The Harland Highway - 744 - ADAM CAROLLA fight! Sushi and chess!

Episode Date: February 25, 2016

Have you ever been in the looney bin?? A fight with Adam Carolla. Sushi chess. Phone calls from the Pavement Pounders! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoa, whoa, whoa, welcome to the Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-highway, way, way, way, way. Okay, sounds like we're having some audio problems. No, that was just me being an idiot. And that's what this show is, me being an idiot. Wait, what? Welcome to the Harland Highway. All you pavement pounders. My name is Harland Williams. Welcome. We're going to have fun today. We're going to be talking about, have you ever played chess? Have you ever had sushi? Way do you hear how we combine the two? Uh-huh. Yeah, it's true.

Also, have you ever been in an insane asylum? I say that you have. I say that most of you listening right now have been in a padded room. I'm standing by that. I'll explain why during the Harlan Highway question of the day. Also, we have a... an exclusive clip with myself and Adam Carolla from my second podcast called Let's Have a Fight that's exclusive only to premium members for $20 a year.

We're going to play you a little short excerpt of the Let's Have a Fight podcast in hopes that it lures you into spending 20 bucks to become a premium member. And lastly, we're going to take phone calls from you, the pavement pounders, and see what's on your mind if you have minds, because this is the whole. Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is. The Harland Highway Question of the Day.

It's a little eerie, but my question of the day is, have you ever been in a padded insane asylum cell or room? Uh-huh. You know those rooms, the white padded rooms? They put people in when they kind of go bonkers and they go nuts. And if your answer is no, I'm going to dispute that answer because I can tell you that you have been in a padded insane asylum cell

you know where you ever been in an elevator in an office building or a hotel yeah yeah I think all of you have you ever been in an elevator and they're doing repair work to it. And for some reason, they put those padded sheets and blankets

and whatever they are on the walls of the elevator. And you get in the elevator, you walk in, you think you're going up to a meeting on the 43rd floor. And suddenly you step into this small, square confined space with padded walls and the doors shut behind you and suddenly you're in a you're in a sane asylum you're in a sane asylum you're in a a sane asylum padded cell and you might even be in there with other people oh

cases and coffees and people farting and people but whatever it is isn't it creepy they put you that they I don't know why they put that padding up it's all the way from the roof down to the floor and a lot of times it's white just like it is in the insane asylums sometimes it's blue. But it's the creepiest sensation. You feel like you've walked into a nut house. You're just going up to pitch an idea on the 28th floor. You're going up to grab some lunch with your sister who works at a law firm and suddenly you've been committed. You're at the Otis elevator house for the mentally deranged. You're you're at the asylum. You're at the asylum. for those who like to go up and down it's really creepy and I'm guessing they put that padding up

when they're doing repairs in the office building so that they don't damage the walls and bash stuff into it is creepy man elevators are wacky enough you know think about it where where else in life you get shoved into a small rectangular or square room with complete strangers people you don't know people you don't really

possibly trust and the door shut and seal you in and you're in close proximity to those people sometimes 15 at a time 20 10, 8 or even more uncomfortable if it's just you and one other person and then you throw in the insane asylum

nut house loony bin white padding I mean is that is it an invitation to a serial killer party stop the music this is getting serious Roger I mean it's all when you're in an elevator and so I'm just saying my question of the day was have you ever been in an insane asylum padded white cell nut house freak house and I think the answer for most of you

now now that you've heard what I've had to say I think the answer is yes you crazy insane Freaks out! Second floor, hardware, children's wear, ladies lingerie. Oh, good morning, Mr. Tyler. Going down. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah!

Uh, how many of you like to play chess? Do you ever play chess anymore? Um, and how many of you enjoy sushi? Well, I dare say that both of those things can happen at the same time, and without you really knowing it, they do. What happens is when you go and order sushi, you always, the way you do it with sushi is you

kind of order three or four dishes. And if you're with somebody at dinner, they usually order three or four dishes too. You get the soup, then you get the tempura, then you get a few pieces of tuna, then you get a like a spicy salmon roll, and then you get some atamomai, and then you get some marmee, and then you get you know, a piece of other fish, and then you get a little tower of sashimi. I mean, there's constantly things coming to the table. And what's funny is, when you sit down,

you sit down at the table, a traditional sushi table usually has like a candle on it. There's the jar with the soy sauce in it. sometimes there's little dishes for you to pour the soy sauce in for when you dip your sushi and then you order waters you order your drinks maybe you get a Coke and then maybe you get sake and they bring a flask of sake to the table

and then the little shot glasses that accompany the flask of sock of sake and see you've got all these dishes and elements and chopsticks and there's all this stuff at the table and what happens is a lot of the time they either bring everything at once or they'll bring a portion of it and they kind of okay let's plop down the soup let's plop down this big long rectangular dish full of sushi let's plop down these the sushi rolls let's plop down the atomami let's plop down the the dipping sauce, and suddenly you're on your little sushi table, and you're moving pieces around to try to accommodate everything.

It's not like when you go to the cheesecake factory or Denny's, they slap down one plate. Here's your bacon and eggs, or here's your steak, here's your omelet, here's your chicken fried steak, boom. You know, they put the mashed potatoes and the side dishes all on one plate, boom. Bacon eggs, hash browns, boom. all on the same with sushi everything separated so suddenly you've got this limited surface space on your table and yet they keep ringing things and so half your meal is spent maneuvering and manipulating these plates and suddenly it's like sushi chess it's like tuna ahi to your yellowtail

five my shrimp tampora to your Your terriaki eel, seven. Your octopus to my black cod nine. Let's see. Here comes the big move. Here it is. Oh, boy, it's my sea urchin to your miso soup. 12, diagonal, across.

Checkmate! You're paying the fucking bill. Checkmate, I won. It's just, I'm sitting there the other night doing this with someone, and I feel like I'm playing some kind of bizarre game of chess with fresh uncooked seafood. I'm moving strips of flesh around on the table. I'm sliding things.

I'm manipulating. It's like I'm doing a Rubik's cute. tube of raw fish. It's like I'm putting together a puzzle or a something. It's almost like there's some kind of geometry to it all. Like when you make a crop circle or you have to, you know, it's like these pavor tile. You ever see the pavor tiles they put in driveways or on streets or like different rectangular shaped bricks? that they somehow fit together and they'll do a whole driveway or a sidewalk.

I feel like I'm putting fresh fish paver stones all over the table. And you're fighting for space. There's just, you know, you're just fighting for just the right amount of space. You know, the tempura is teetering right on the edge. And then just when you think you got no more room, They bring you another bowl or plate of something, and you're like, okay, let's see. Let's move the tempura here, the candle over here. Oh, soyas sauce can go right over here.

Let's put the napkins on your head. Let's put the tuna roll over here. It's just crazy. And it's kind of fun. It's part of the whole fun sushi experience. So hopefully you're out there somewhere enjoying a nice game of sushi chef. and as long as the uh or sushi chess i should i should say and as long as the the food is fresh and good i guess everybody wins check mate or how about uh char mate char is a type of fish that seems more

appropriate checkmate doesn't do it but char mate or maybe it's checkmate i won sushi chess so you're paying the check yeah that's it check Check Charmate. Boom. Have a nice day. Be sure and tell them large marg sent you. All right. Speaking of wicked laughs,

hey, I've been encouraging you guys to join my premium membership because you get so much cool stuff when you join the premium membership. And one of the things you get is my other podcast. The only place you can hear it is if you're a premium member, it's called Let's Have a Fight. And my next fight, which is coming up on, let's see, when is that one coming up? The next big, Let's Have a Fight podcast is coming up on March 1st, Tuesday, March the 1st. And it's between me and Adam Carolla. Oh, my God.

You know how opinionated and sharp Adam is. So, holy smokes, it was not easy fighting with Adam Carolla. And we fought about incest. We fought about should girls be able to fart. We fought about global warming. And here's just a couple of clips. This is a really condensed version of what you will get if you join my premium package for only $20 a year.

You will be hearing fights between me and other great comedians and actors and funny people all through the year. It's really its own entity. And I'd hate for you to miss out for 20 bucks a year you can get it. Just go to the Harland Highway app on your phone or go to Harlowiams.com and you can download and become a premium member for 20 bucks a year. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent to scorer. greatly for free and fast.

Don't wait, better sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

Well, here we go. In order, it's little clips of me and Adam fighting about incest, girls farting, and global warming. I hope you enjoy. Wait a minute, this is ridiculous. Are you telling me that you could interbreed with someone in your own family? Honest, horny, family-oriented, and one could argue super family-oriented people into criminals. For doing something that is natural, is breastfeeding, or dropping a deuce on a winter's day. Also, this is something that Aligarchies and royal families and Blue Bloods have been engaging in

for millennial. Yeah, and have you seen Queen Elizabeth's teeth, dude? She looks like a lemon shark. Dude, did you not ever watch the Walton's? Were your parents? Did you or did you not watch the Walton? Yes, and it's time for you to go to bed, John Boy. Yeah. Your parents. You never heard them in the same room saying good night, John Boy's penis. It was just good night.

They separated. Were your parents related or not? Yeah, no. And look, and look what we got. Oh, look at you. Look what we got. I'm this. A guy who makes squid noises.

That's right. I'm this close to going on to that friggin' heritage.com or whatever it is and see if you're in love with your dad. Ancestry. Yeah, you and your dad holding hands on Ancestry.com. How do you, how would you, why don't you give me an example? How would you even seduce you? your own mother. What does that look like? Seas candy in a Walmart sleeping bag? What are you? That they have not purged and let out of their systems. I can't believe you're making farts

psychological. They're just little clusters of green gas that well up inside your intestine. And you give us the Dr. Phil answer. You're talking about it's a fart. Let me, Dr. I will Dr. Phil your head with some knowledge for second here. What if there was an emotional version of what I'm suggesting? So farts are emotions coming out of a girl's wonder wheel. What if every time a woman, your girly, was thinking about something, it was gaining interest, it was festering and decaying inside of her, emotionally, it just would come out, like she was farting running up a flight of stairs.

You'd never have another argument. That's called a machine gun fart by the. the way when there's more than six keep going all right all i'm saying is is what we do with our teslas our wind farms and our solar panels it's still not going to put a dent it will not put a dent in what's going on in china india and parts unknown so this idea that we can drive this fire truck that has a steering wheel that's not hooked up to any axles yeah from the back of the hook and ladder truck. It's just turning like it would in front of the supermarket when your mom would put a nickel in it when you're a kid and you just sit there in that little

spaceship and turn that wheel that was just on a carriage bolt not hooked up to anything. That's us. We act like we're all going to get together. Me and Michael Moore and Al Gore are all going to get together. We're going to go over to Arts Deli and we're going to settle this whole problem. But shouldn't we at least try? You're acting like it's a complete right-off. I mean, there's a kid, I think, a 15-year-old kid that has invented some kind of system. It goes out in the ocean. It's as big tower they've planted to the ocean floor and using the ocean's currents. It's drifting all the hundreds of tons of plastic bottles that have been just discarded.

This was a 19-year-old kid that's solving this problem. So it's incumbent on the rest of us to try and solve the emissions problem. I can't believe you're knocking Tesla when they're helping to solve the problem. of emissions. Yes, but if that garbage barge floats out in front of the Kennedy estate in Hyannisport, it will be sunk post-paced because they're hypocrites. That's what I'm saying. Now, there you go.

That is just a little sample. That's like three or four minutes of almost a 40-minute podcast where we go at each other, man. And I won't tell you who won. I won't tell you who won the round. Not only do we have the arguments, but there were some heavy insults thrown and just a blast. It's just a blast this podcast, very entertaining, also informative and a lot of fun. The way it works is one of the fighters, whether they believe in a topic or not, have to take a side. And even if they don't believe in it, they have to become the voice of the every man and fight for something.

they might not even believe in, should that be how the coin toss comes out. So if you enjoyed that little clip, you're going to love the Let's Have a Fight podcast. As I said, 20 bucks a year, and you're going to hear a whole mess of different people fighting. And some of them get out of control. Some of them are kind of soft and subdued and very intelligent. Some of them are just insult festivals. You just don't know what you're going to get when. people are animated, amped up, and fighting.

So as I said, go to harlan Williams.com and check out the app page or just go on your phone and type in the Harland Highway podcast on your apps. And you can download it and you can listen to this stuff right on your phone. So there you go. I hope you enjoyed that sample clip of Let's Have a Fight. Shut up and sit on, you big ball fuck. Hello? Hello?

Hello. Arland. I recommend you change your diet from chicken chalemain to something a little more healthy. Perhaps a beef and broccoli or a more of a dumpling-oriented diet. What do you think there, Arland? I think the chicken chamein is quite an old-school MSG-laden hellish kind of a meal, don't you? All right, may he?

Cheers. Duck, all orange. Okay, yeah. Cheers. Yeah, dumplings. Beef from broccoli. Duck al-A-range. And by the way,

one of the fakedest British accents I've ever heard, but I appreciate the effort. He's like, I got duck all orange. Che, oh, hello, all. It's like George Michael's bastard stepchild.

But thanks for the call, dude, and thanks for the dietary tip. Wow. Not. Hello. Hello. Harlan, Lumpy Gravy. I have a sad report for you. I recently saw my first slitsy.

I'm in southeastern Michigan, so unfortunately it made it east. and I have to tell you when I saw it I went, what in the hell is that? The city shop this guy's looking. He's wearing a wifebeater, of course, and he had a beard that came to a point.

So this guy had a lot going on and while you're right, it needs to be stopped. Chicken Chalmane. The old schlitsy. Oh, God. I'm sorry you had to see that. For those of you that didn't catch

an earlier podcast I did. These guys that put the little ponytail on the top of their head. Have you seen it? It's the new trend. It's the new fashion statement. And I christened it to the Schlitzy because Schlitzy is the name of a character that was in a movie way back, I think it was in the 40s or 50s called Freaks.

Called Freaks. And it was about freak shows in the circus. And there was this one lady who was bald, looked like, you know, she was probably had brain damage or something. She looked a little, you know, and she was bald except for a little ponytail sticking out of the top of her head. And her name in the movie was Schlitzy. I don't know if that was her name in real life, but I decided whenever I see one of these goofy dudes with the ponytail sticking out of the top of their head, they're called Schlitzy. So I'm sorry you had to see that. I hope you're okay.

Get some counseling. Get some therapy. And I think you'll get through it. It's so funny that you mentioned that he was wearing a wife beater. For those of you that don't know what a wife beater is, it's kind of like, you know, the undershirt, the sleeveless undershirt. With the, you know, the, I guess, I don't know, the straps go over the shoulder.

Not straps, but the, how do I? describe it it's it's a sleeveless undershirt basically it's like the most basic of all undershirts and they call them wife peters and uh it's just interesting to me that that something so violent got attached to an article of clothing and the fact that but you know today in this politically correct world we often refer to them i still call it a wife peter and uh even though beating your wife is not funny in any regard. It is kind of, you know, if you can take away the violence, it is kind of funny that a stupid undershirt conjures up visions of anyone wearing it

probably has an attitude wherein they beat their wife. And so, as I said, taking away the harsh, you know, connotation of what the term. wife beater means it's actually kind of funny and it'd be kind of funny if other clothing were just named after you know like like if if jared from subway had a shirt and his shirt was called the uh pedophile pervert or if uh you know john wayn gasey or ted bundy these serial killers had had pants or an article of clothing like the cereal killer pants.

Yeah, look at that guy in his serial killer pants. What about Jeffrey Dahmer? Wearing his cannibal Sunday best. Oh, I see. I see you got your cannibal loafers on today, Jeffrey. Oh, yeah, I'm hungry. Look out. You look pretty good.

I'll see you later. Right? Or if you're a moron or a sex. pervert or a violent person or you're an idiot. Oh, I see you wearing your, uh, your idiot shorts today. How's that working out for you, stupid? Duh, not so good. Duh.

So it's kind of interesting that an article of clothing got not only kind of a stigma attached to it, but something like severely violent wife beater. You don't see that at Macy's or Kmart. Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where the wife beaters are? Ah, yeah, man, they're just down in aisle 7. You see that big poster, that chick with the black eyes and the blood coming out of the corner of her mouth? Yes? That's our wife, Beater, Roe.

Okay, thank you. Planted to beat your wife later? Well, I'm going to try. I'm going to slap her around a bit, and, you know, hopefully it turns into a beating, but I'm going to need the shirt just to, you know, get it all started. I got you. I'm wearing one under this collar. shirt I beat the shit out of my wife last night oh okay well nice talking to you yeah fuck off

it's just ridiculous so uh hey thanks for your uh phone call what you want to do one more before we shut down the show okay roger says take one more phone call and then we'll shut her down all right rog lay it in hey harland my name is eric and i'm calling because i think i have a solution to the whole pen issue that's been brought up over the past couple of podcasts. So there's this product, this pen called the space pen. And the reason why it's called the space pen is because it was, or the Apollo astronauts used it. They took it a space and they used it because it could write in zero G. I think it's called a Fisher Space Pen and the cartridge is pressurized.

So you could write with it here on Earth, you could write with it upside down, you could write with it underwater. So I think this might be the thing you're looking for, the pen that you're looking for. And I think I might have to look for one myself and give it a shot, see if it works. But I hope it works. anyways thanks for all the last and take care all right eric thank you man you know yeah eric's right we had a bunch of calls i was talking about you know why pens run out and why they you know when they get near the end part of the ink comes out and part of it doesn't and you're in the middle of writing an important check and you know the pen always seems to die right when you don't want it to

blah, blah, blah. So a number of people called in with some answers for that. And Eric just, you know, told us about the space pen. And I'm with you, Eric. Let's go shopping, dude. Let's me and you go shopping. And then, you know, we'll get our space pens. And then, you know, let's hit outer space for a couple hours and do some writing.

You know, maybe we can catch up on some letter writing. And then, you know, why don't we just head right underwater? and, you know, do some underwater, you know, letter writing and maybe some sketching and stuff. And then, you know, maybe we can go upside down for a little while on dry land, like just stand upside down. And we can write notes to each other and whatnot, dude, with our space pens, dude. Hilarious. I think it's so funny that there might be a pen that actually exists that does all this. and if there is, why isn't that all they sell? Why sell any other pen?

If you've got a super pen that does it all, why risk getting a regular pen? I mean, what happens if you're in the middle of writing a grocery list and you accidentally get sucked up into space on a UFO and your pen doesn't work? Or what happens if you're sitting on a boat writing a novel a speedboat and all of a sudden you hit a wave and go flying into the air and suddenly you're underwater and you're trying to write your novel and your pen's not working underwater because

of all the salt. Got to have a super pen. And let's say you're writing, you know, writing your taxes up or something and all of a sudden you're in a plane and the plane hits turbulence and you're flying upside down. And you're like, damn it. Damn it, my pen's not working. If only I had a space pen. Well, all that goes out the window if we all had space pens, man. So Eric, brilliant. Thank you. This is great news. I'm going to get my ass down to NASA and hopefully the gift shop's just full of space pens.

Maybe they sell flippers too and hell. helmets and upside down harnesses. Let's hope. I want to work my space pen. I want to work it hard. But great phone call. Thank you, everyone, for your phone calls. If you want to leave me a message,

if you want to respond to a question of the day, if you want to sing me a song, if you want to tell me a story, feel free to do so. It's just an answering machine, so you're not going to be talking to anybody. You can say or, you know, sing or do whatever you want. The number's 323-739-4-3-3-0.

I think the things programmed to ring about seven times before the answering machine picks up, but don't let that deter you. Hang in there and leave a message, and maybe we'll put it on the show here. 3-2-3-739-43-30, or you can write to me at Harlandwiliams.com. The phone number is also at Harlowyms.com.

while you're there, please check out my comedy schedule, stand-up comedy, this weekend starting tonight. Yours truly will be in Scottsdale, Arizona, at the House of Comedy. Excellent comedy club. Please get your tickets online at harloweems.com. And then two weeks later, March 10 to 13, I'll be at the Houston Improv, the Houston Improv in Houston, Texas. and then April 7, 8, 9, the comedy party starts. Oh, yes, the comedy party. This is a theater tour that I'm doing with Polly Shore, Tom Green,

and Bobby Lee from Mad TV. It's all four of us under one roof on one stage, one great comic after another. It's going to be an awesome, awesome show. Tickets are going fast, so please don't get left out in the rain. April 7, 8, and 9, one night only in each town. This is happening in Iowa and Illinois for now, and then hopefully we extend the tour out to other locations. So harloweems.com for all your ticket information. Also, don't forget to join the Harland Highway Premium membership.

$20 a year. Get you all kinds of bonus material, stand-up comedy, interviews. My second podcast called Let's Have a Fight is exclusive only for premium members. Let's have a fight is when I do verbal battle with other comedians and actors and funny people. It's $20 a year, which ain't nothing. Go to your app store, the Harland Highway, and download on your phone, the Harland Highway app, and join our premium membership. I thank you in advance for doing that. Also at harloweems.com.

Check out our store. Check out the site. And that's it, man. Thank you so much for being here today. And we will catch you next time. And until then, beef and broccoli. No, dumplings. No, chicken chalemain, baby.

Perhaps a beef and broccoli? or a more of a dumpling-oriented diet? No, I'm sticking with chicken Chalmain, baby. Duck all orange.