The Harland Highway - 745 - UNCLE HARRY calls the show. Bratty actress's!

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Today Aunt Ruthie's husband, Uncle Harry talks to Harland on the phone. Bratty actress's. And DANGEROUS exercising. Sing ling a ding! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the good ship, lollipopit. Now you're going to be singing that all day long, I guarantee you. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, y'all. Great to have you here, all your pavement pounders and whatnot. Great show today. A little bit of family action happening. One of the pavement pounders called in and asked to talk to one of my family members. Wait to you hear this phone call.

call. Also, a crazy news story where some snooty little actress is doing something that really rubbed me the wrong way. Wait to hear this story and hear me rant. Hear me rant and roar against this young actress who really got my hairs up. We'll also be talking about exercising? What are the benefits of exercising and are there benefits to exercising in a gym or exercising outdoors? Wait till you hear the horror story about a friend of mine who decided to do her exercising outdoors and has just about paid for it with her life on a couple of occasions. So an interesting debate. So let's get on the comedy highway here. Let's roll down the Harland Highway. Let's have fun. This is the Harland Highway.

Now I'm. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harlan, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird.

That's strange stuff. Oh, okay. This crazy news story actually ruffles my feathers a little bit. Listen to the headline here. Emma Watson, she's the little actress from the Harry Potter movies. She's done like six Harry Potter movies. Probably has more money than all of our family members combined. Probably has more money than all of us listening,

combined. And Emma Watts in this little, I think she's only like 19 years old or something. She's a kid. She says she plans a one year sabbatical to focus on activism. Good Lord. So she's taking a sabbatical from acting. First of all, I hate that word. It's the most pretentious word. I'm taking a sabbatical yeah it's been a really tough year i need i need a sabbatical real bad yeah i know you can get them down at the massage parlor for about uh 2599 oh really do they have good sabbaticals down there oh you better believe it yeah really nice um let's read this article it says prepare yourself to see less of Emma Watson. Uh-oh, whatever will I do? On the big screen anyways, the Harry Potter starts taking a year-long sabbatical, focusing instead on her work with the United Nations.

He for she, Gender Equality Project, as well as for her own personal betterment. Good Lord. I'm sorry, he for she, gender, equality? Wow. Okay, I guess, you know, you can put your time wherever you want. Aye, aye, aye. But here's where my feathers get ruffled. You know, to have a girl that's like, you know, 19 years old or whatever the hell she is,

and to say she's putting her acting, she's taking off acting for a one-year sabbatical. Did you know how hard Hollywood is? Do you know how hard it is to get an acting gig in a TV show and a movie, even like a tampon commercial? Do you know how competitive it is? Do you know how much people struggle? Do you know how many people have sold their soul just to get a walk-on part on friends or the Big Bang theory?

So many women have thrown themselves at big-time directors just to get two lines in a Hollywood blockbuster. Outside of the kind of sleazy side, there's also legitimate actors who dedicate their every waking hour to going to acting classes and school and auditioning and just pounding the pavement and doing everything they can. to just get noticed, and maybe if they're lucky, build a career. I think the percentage of actors that make it into a full-time working profession as a career, I think like the percentage is like 3% get through. As a guy who's done a lot of acting, I count my blessings every day, man. And it comes and goes. There's years when you get two or three movies or you get a sitcom or you get a bunch of stuff.

And then you could go two, three years with nothing. I've been there. So to hear this, you know, this girl come out with this press release and this announcement, it just kind of rubs it in the face of people that are like, really? you're like barely through puberty and you're taking a year-long sabbatical to focus on yourself when I've been going to, you know,

the Harry Adler Acting Academy for, you know, nine years and eating peanut butter in my empty apartment. Taking the bus to auditions, begging to get someone to see me. Here's more of the article. She laid out her plans in an interview with feminist writer Bell Hooks for some magazine. She goes, I'm taking a year away from acting to focus on two things, really.

My own personal development is one. I know that you read a book a day. My own personal task is to read a book a week and also to read a book a month as part of my book club. I'm reading a lot this year and I want to do a lot of listening I want to listen to as many different women in the world as I can well how about a bunch of out-of-worked actresses

saying fuck you Emma Watson fuck you want to read a fucking book how about I fucking let you read my fucking phone book and all the fucking connections in it that I've built up over fucking 15 years and it hasn't led to fucking nothing. Why don't you read that book?

I mean, it's just so freaking... Why do we have to know this stuff? You're turning down, you know, starring roles in movies so you can go read? Why don't you read in your trailer in between scenes? Why don't you read when you do one movie a year for, you know, 42, million dollars and have the rest of the year off to get your nails done. Why don't you read it night before you? I'm going to take a year off and listen to women.

Holy shit. I don't know. I'm not even a girl. I'm not even a woman and I'm pissed off at this. Like, I can only imagine if I'm a struggling female actress and I'm reading this crap, or even if I'm not. Even if I work at a hair salon or I work at Home Depot or have my own business, whatever women do anything these days.

You know, even if you're not an actress, you might read this and go, what a pretentious little snoot. I mean, just go away for a year. It's not like we're all sitting up. Were any of you sitting at home and wondering what the little girl from the Harry Potter movies was doing next year? I don't I wasn't thinking about her I couldn't give up flying but she she feels the need to like come out and tell the world about oh everybody stop listen I'm taking a year off to read and listen to women good lord man it's just so damn pretentious it's almost like just grind it and you're grinding it in people's faces that oh I'm so good I'm so pop I'm so in demand.

I can just shut it all off. And when I decide to turn it on again, it'll all just be there. I don't have to crawl through the trenches with all the other actors and actresses. Maybe I'll take two years off. Who knows? I've got a lot of reading.

I'll try to read every book in the world and listen to every woman. Well, I hate to say it, Emma, but I bet a lot of the women are going, fuck you, bitch. so there you go this crazy news story of the day if you happen to bump into a little actress hanging around at a Starbucks reading a book looking like she's got nothing to do guess who it is yeah emma i'm on sabbatical watson why that poor kid all the rotten luck i was with her a couple of hours ago and bought her some soup

Speaking of rotten luck, Jeff friends that have rotten luck. Have you ever had rotten luck? Here's an argument I have for going to the gym. Okay, I don't know how many of you go to the gym. But the argument for going to the gym is so that you're inside and you're not outside. Okay, I have a friend of mine, wonderful girl, beautiful girl, active girl, likes to stay fit, likes to stay in shape and used to go to the gym and then she kind of switched gears and now she kind of decided well I'm going to be outside I want to jog I want to ride my bike I want to

do this I want to do that so in the last like three years okay she started she started doing the running thing so she started running around town in in Los Angeles and one of day she tells me out this horrible story where she's at an intersection and she's jogging and she's waiting for the light to turn and some crazy maniac guy walking down the street like grabbed her and was trying to punch her right in my face and he was yelling at her and said I'm going to beat they live in you know what out of you and she said she was like ducking and this guy was wailing he was throwing punches and she was screaming And this guy literally tried to assault her.

And she was fortunately able to kind of avoid him actually connecting. But she said this guy was swinging right at her face. And he was yelling, I'm going to punch your face in. And it was very violent and scary and horrible. And I'm like, God, I guess that's what happens when you run out in the street. So then probably like three quarters of. a year later, a year later, she's bicycling and she's going along on this little road and I guess she kind of lost her concentration or she didn't and she doesn't really remember

she, her front tire like hit the curb and she went head over heels, landed, uh, landed on her back on, on the ground in a little ditch, blood coming. coming out of her ears and her nose, a broken collarbone, like horrible, like someone was driving along and saw her laying there. They thought she was dead. Apparently when the ambulance came,

they said she'd lost like a ton of blood and was like getting, getting close to being in trouble. And, you know, she went through this traumatic accident. And then, of course, shattered her collarbone and had to wear this ridiculous cast and this get-up. And she was literally on her ass for like six months.

So you go out to exercise for, you know, an hour to try and get in shape. And your reward is six months of nothing. You're not even allowed to barely get up and walk around. so you've just like made yourself go backwards half a year so then the reason I'm bringing this up cut to this weekend she sends me a pitcher yesterday she's wearing her jogging pants and she sends me a picture and the jogging pants

she was out jogging obviously and the front of the jogging pants are ripped open on both knees just shredded and just her knees are exposed, covered with blood, scraped to hell. So I went to check up on her, actually earlier today, just to see what's going on. And she said, yeah, sometimes when she's jogging, she likes to sprint. So she started sprinting, and I don't know if you've ever seen this, but sometimes when there's trees and near the sidewalk, the roots grow onto the sidewalk.

and lift the sidewalk up. I don't know if you've seen this, but it's dangerous, man. The sidewalk actually, like, it almost looks like a drawbridge. It starts coming up. So she was running full tilt. Hit one of these tree root sidewalk booby traps. And just went tits over Thursday, scraped her friggin' knees wide open. And, you know, when I went to visit her.

today she could barely walk she was in severe pain she was limping on one leg i mean you know you go to the gym this stuff doesn't happen and and you know yeah it's nice to be out in in exercise road but i started thinking you know if this is happening to her it must happen to people all the time i think a lot of people i remember i did a podcast a couple of years ago where i actually looked up the amount of people killed every year riding their bikes out on the streets and in public. And I think it's like something horrible, like 900 or, you know, 1,500 people a year are killed riding their bikes in the streets.

So you've got to imagine people running and jogging and doing all this exercise stuff. You've got to figure there's some fatalities. There are at least some injuries, you know, twisting an ankle, breaking an ankle, getting hit by a car, getting hit by someone on a bike. like tripping, falling, maybe like this girl getting assaulted, maybe someone's following you, maybe someone's, you know, chases you, maybe a mean neighborhood dog chases you and bites you. I mean, I don't know. It's kind of unlucky.

So what I'm asking, you know, what I said to this girl friend of mine, I said, look, no more being healthy out in the street. You want to be healthy, go to the gym where you're in a control. environment. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. And in my heart, I don't really believe that. I mean, you know, there's nothing better than being in the outdoors. but, man, I don't know. It's, you know, it's dangerous out there. Oogabuga. I want you to be healthy, but just watch yourself. Yikes.

So I hope my friend's okay. I hope she heals up all right, and I hope none of you guys ever run into this kind of stuff. Me, I'm going to do my jogging and weight training and exercising in the damn gym. Thank you. No one's ever been run over by a treadmill. No one's ever been hit by a stationary bike.

If they have been, they're exercising in the twilight zone. There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. Hello? Hello. Hey, Holland. You've had Aunt Lucy on the show a lot, and you've been talking about Uncle Harry, but you've never actually had Uncle Harry on the phone. Where is he?

Is he at a casino in Las Vegas? Is he dead? Is he in the Titanic? Where is he, Holland? Just a quick question. Love the show, by the way. Well, thank you for that. I'm glad you loved the show.

And that's a great question. It's a fair question. You know, I have Aunt Ruthie on the podcast a lot. My aunt from up in Rochester, New York. And, of course, she's married to my uncle Harry, a wonderful man. And you're right. He's never been on the phone. And so Roger is in the booth.

He's dialing him up. Have you got him, Raj? Hang on, folks. Have you got Aunt Ruthie? Uncle Harry? Uncle Harry's on the line? Okay, good. Okay, well, I'm glad you asked, so we have Aunt Ruthie on the line,

and I guess Uncle Harry's not much of a talker, so it looks like we got him to get on the phone, so we're going to have Uncle Harry and Aunt Ruthie on the line here. Yeah, patch him through, Raj. Here we go, gang. Hello, Aunt Ruthie. Are you there? Hello?

Aunt Ruthie, it's, it's, Harland. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How are you, Little Angel? Doing great, Aunt Ruthie. How are you? Oh, well, you know, we're in the middle of the winter up here, Angel, in the middle of Rochester, New York, and it's, my Christ, the snow's coming down like God's got dandruff falling out of his underpants. Uh, okay. Are you okay, though?

Well, it's freezing cold, little angel. I'm sure it's warm down there where you are in California, in the Hollywoods. Well, it is pretty nice here. I don't want to rub it in. Oh, you're such a little sweetheart, making your movies and your televisions and whatnot, little angel. Yeah, Aunt Ruthie, and I heard that Uncle Harry's going to get on the phone today.

Oh, God, yeah, let me see. Let me get them. Let me go. Hang on, Doll. I'm going to go get your Uncle Harry. Okay, sweetie pie. Okay, Aunt Ruthie. All right, hold on.

Harry, Harry, can you pick up the phone, please, Harry? Harry, will you pick up the phone? Yes, it's Holland down in Hollywood's California. Will you get on the phone with him, please? Oh boy, if it's too much trouble... Quiet, pick it up. Hello? Uncle Harry? How are you, boy?

Oh, I'm great Uncle Harry. How are you? Well, you know, it's cold as a witch's kid up here. We got the heating bills going through the room, for Christshank. Oh, yeah, you got the heat running and whatnot. Holy Craig, you know, when I was a little boy, Holland, when I was a little weper-snapper, we lived through the Great Depression. Did I ever mention that? Yeah, you mentioned it a few times.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Harry, don't go into the old Depression bit again. I'll go into it if I want to. When I was a boy, when it got cold and we had no food to eat, we ate our sister's shoes. You ate your sister's shoes? Oh, boy, here we go. get, Harry, would you knock it off? We ate our sister's shoes, and sometimes, if times were really tough boy, we'd eat our sit, we'd eat their feet. You'd eat your sister's feet?

You heard me, a little bastard? I'll watch your mouth, Harry, for Christ's sake. Stop cussing in front of the little fuck. Well, he asked me how I was doing, and if you think it's easy to live through the Great Depression, there were times. When we'd have no food on the table and I'd have to, we'd eat wallpaper. And sometimes we'd eat shingles off the roof. And sometimes my mother would make stick soup. And we'd eat tree bark.

We'd wipe our asses with tree bark. Oh, my God. Oh, Harry, stop. We'd you stop talking about your ass and wiping your ass with tree bark. Well, we're cheering the department. Oh, would you stop with the depression, little angel? Holla wants to talk to you. When we were in the depression.

Uncle Harry, we can talk about something else. There's nothing more, boy. They're talking about the Great Depression. Nobody had no money. Nobody, I didn't even have a car. You know how I got around town? You ought to know how your Uncle Harry got around town. I'll tell you.

I had to stick a roller skate up my ass and roll everywhere. What? You heard me, you little bitch now. I had to stick a roller skate in my ass crack and roll all over town because I didn't have a car. You hear me, boy? Oh, Harry, would you talk nice to the child in Holland? I'm sorry. Your uncle Harry's.

It's like the depression happened and he never got out of it, for Christ's sake. I can hear you talk. woman. And speaking, I wait, where's my goddamn Brussels sprouts? I told you, I whipped me up some Brussels sprouts about two hours ago. You know, during the Depression, you know what we ate because we didn't have Brussels sprouts? I'll tell you what we ate. We ate our neighbors. What, Uncle Harry? That's right, boy.

When we got hungry, we'd go next door and eat the neighbors, the kids, the mother, the father. We had to eat. Are you telling me? Oh, don't listen to him, Angel. All he ever talks about is the depression is the depression that. All it does is depress me. I'll tell you that, little monkey. What's going on with you, boy?

Well, thanks for asking, Uncle Harry. I'm down here in, as you know, in Hollywood, California. I'm working in the entertainment industry. Oh, let me tell you here something, boy, when I was a kid, during the depression all right movies were three cents

for the matinee and five cents to take a lady out in the evening to the beju and I'll tell you what I always sat in the back row so I made sure

your Aunt Ruthie gave me a bejew I'll tell you that Oh Harry stop it you're just being dirty you fucking pig Well those are the days when you still had your teeth, Ruthie.

Stop talking dirty in front of the boy. Although sometimes you'd get popcorn kernels in your gums, and they shredded my old bag of meat like a wood chipper. Harry, talk about something nice. Well, during the Depression... Uncle Harry, are you sure you want to be talking? Shut your gob hole, boy. I'm telling you, during the Depression,

we'd go to the movies, and in those days, They had black and white movies, just like God created them. None of this colored bullshit. Well, I don't think it's, you know, the coloring of films wasn't an advancement, Uncle Harry. Yeah, well, so was the shaving of a horse's ball sack. Uncle Harry. Oh, Harry, would you just, I'm sorry, little angel. Your Uncle Harry's so animated.

He can't get out of the past. And another thing, boy. We would sit there and we would watch the movies And it would be so cold outside We'd stay in and watch the movie a second time We'd hide under the seats We'd climb up into the rafters We'd do whatever we had to do to keep warm during the Great Depression, boy

I'm sorry you had to live through that, Uncle Harry But maybe isn't it time to move on a little bit Oh, why don't you go drive a tractor up your fat ass? Uncle Harry Harry, would you be nice to the boy? He's disconcent. He's asking about how you want you do Well, why does you?

You know, I don't need to take any gut from a teenager. I'm not a teenager anymore, Uncle Harry. I'm, you know, kind of a full-grown man. Well, during the Depression, you grew up to be a man when you were four years old because we didn't have nothing, boy. we would, when you're four years old, you'd be out chopping wood, you'd be catching catfish, and if you had to,

you'd fuck the rear end off of your neighbor's wife. Just, Harry, would you stop it? Well, I'm just telling the boy, stop, the Christ's sake to get your head out of the Depression. Uncle Harry, maybe it's time to move on a little bit. And maybe it's time for you to go suck the rear end of a kid. Handlestick. Uncle Harry, I... Oh, Uncle, hang up, Harry.

I'm tired of you. You hang up. And where's my goddamn Brussels sprouts, woman? Oh, crap. You know what? Hang on. Go sit in the living room. I'm bringing your goddamn Brussels sprouts.

Hello, I'm Joe. Aunt Ruthie calling. I'm so sorry. It's okay, Aunt Ruthie. I know Uncle Harry doesn't like to talk on the phone, but my listeners were wondering who, you know, what he was up to, what he's doing. Well, you know, Angel, he just sits around. He sits around here.

He eats his Brussels sprouts. He watches Jeopardy. You know, he's done so many farts into the cushion on his chair that, I mean, that thing looks like melting tar on a Louisiana highway. It's ridiculous. Yeah, I can only imagine. I mean, for Christ's sake, I have to put mothballs in his underpants, little angel. It smells like somebody, you know, boiled a hamburger on a witch's ass, for Christ's sake. Okay, Aunt Ruthie. Thank you for that.

Listen, I better get going. Hang on. Where's my stressful bruntz, women? I'm coming, Harry. Good Christ. Sometimes I wish that man would just swallow a fucking three-hour fire log and shut his garb hole, Holland. Well, let's be nice All right, Angel, I've got to run me And Uncle Harry love you so much I'm so sorry he was in a bit of a mood today, Angel

That's okay, Aunt Ruthie It was just nice to talk to him Tell him I said goodbye and give him my love Okay, hang on uncle Harry Holland says Goodbye and he gives you his love You tell that boy to Drive a Mac truck up his ass

Okay, well I'm gonna go little angel you take care okay and ruthie loves you angel thank you aunt ruthie i love you too okay goodbye angel little feckle face boy bye ruthie wow wow okay well there's uncle harry wow wow wow yeah it has been a long time since i've actually connected with Uncle Harry, and he's a sweet old guy, but he's one of those guys. I think he's, like, in his 80s or 90s, and just, you know, some people just never kind of get their head out of the past, and he still talks a lot about the good old days and the depression, and that's fine, but I don't know, it even sounded like he was watching an old

TV show in the background there. I couldn't tell what the hell that was, but anyway, so thank you, caller, pavement pounder, for inquiring about my uncle Harry. There's a little, you know, a little snippet of them. And maybe he'll be back on one of these days. He doesn't like to get on the phone as much as Ruthie. So there you go. I think that's a real sweet, you know, family-oriented spot to end the show.

I think that's beautiful. So we'll stop it right there. Let's do a few little announcements here, y'all. Don't forget, if you are a premium member, the Let's Have a Fight podcast airs on Tuesday, March 1st. Okay? So we're talking like tomorrow, baby. Yeah, it airs tomorrow. Full on, full podcast.

Let's have a fight podcast with me and Adam Carolla, Superman, superstar, Adam Carolla. We just go head to head, man. We're going to be talking about incest. We're going to be talking about global warming. We're going to be talking about women farting, all kinds of important things. Wait and see who wins the fights. And then if you want to see me do live stand-up this coming March,

March 10 through 13, the Houston Improv in Texas, Houston, Texas, March 10 through 13. And then going over into April, the comedy party, starts. If you haven't seen any ads for this yet, the comedy party is a comedy throwdown with me, Tom Green, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, and Polly Shore, and we're all doing the same theater in Dubuque and Rockford and out there in the Midwest, Illinois, Iowa. That's April 789, check Harland Williams.com to see if we're in your city or near you. You can come out and see us.

It's going to be awesome, folks. All four of us doing stand-up comedy in gorgeous theaters, one night only in each town. Please go to Harlandwilliams.com. Check my stand-up comedy link. And you can order your tickets right online. We don't want you to miss out. It is going to be a comedy party.

And then the following week, I will be in Brea, Brea, California, just outside of Alaska. April 14th through 17th, and that is the Brea Improv, April 14th to 17th. And then Canada, I am coming home. April 28th to May 1st, I will be in Edmonton at the Great Big Mall at the Rick Bronson's House of Comedy in Edmonton. Going to be a blast. So a lot of great stuff coming up, man. Also, while you're at Harlan Williams.com, getting your tickets, check out our store.

We have great, fun merchandise we can send to you. And you can browse around the whole website. And also, gang, please get our app. We now have an app. It's on Android or Apple. You can download it for absolutely free and listen to the Harlan Highway on your phone. You get the most current 50 episodes. and then for 20 bucks a year

you get almost 700 episodes backlogged episodes 700 for 20 bucks plus a special bonus material me doing live stand-up comedy interviews with some of my characters and my whole second podcast that you can only hear on Harland Highway Premium

it's called Let's Have a Fight where I have a verbal joust with another comedian or actor or funny person coming up tomorrow Adam Carolla on the Let's Have a Fight podcast so please join only $20 and it also helps

fund all this crazy podcast stuff that I am into and ultimately bringing to you so thanks in advance hope you can join up and thank you for being here today everybody I hope you had a good time Keep the phone calls coming, 323-739-43330, or if you want to write me, you can write me at Harlanwilliams.com, and the phone number is on Harlanwilums.com, too.

Follow me on Twitter at Harlan Williams, and until next time, chicken, chameen, baby! That's right, boy. When we got hungry, we'd go next door and eat the neighbors. the mother, the father, we had to hate.