The Harland Highway - 749 - BUTT dialing! Being on full terrorist alert! Harland does stand up.

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Harland has a moment of being on full terrorist alert. Have you ever been butt dialed? Harland does a strange stand up comedy set. Set? You bet!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hotline, hotline, call me on the hotline with your love, with your love. No, no, no, no, don't do that. Hey, just sit back and listen to the podcast, because you're at the Harlan Highway podcast, and all you have to do is listen. You don't have to call the hotline. I'm Harlan Williams, your host, and what a show we have today? Interesting show. We're going to get serious for a little beat, and we're going to talk.

about how all of us have to be more vigilant, how we have to start looking out for our own self-preservation in this violent world of terrorism and how we've kind of begun to be trained and told and directed on how to watch and listen and look. And if you see something, say something and don't be afraid to report things. And I had a crazy experience with this. So wait, do you hear this story? Also, we're going to be talking about butt dialing. Have you ever been butt dialed? Yeah, it's kind of weird.

It's very conflicting. We're going to talk about butt dialing. And then towards the end of the show, some live stand-up. I did a very special show where I wasn't allowed to go on stage with any material. I had to take suggestions from the crowd and do my stand-up based on their suggestions. It's crazy. But so is the Harland Highway. Where are I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening? To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Okay, it's an odd one, but I think it's a fair one. How many of y'all? How many y'all have... have ever been butt dialed. That's my question of the day. Do you know what that term means but dialed?

I think it means when somebody has their phone in their back pocket or they sit on their phone or they kind of dial your number with their butt. I have this one buddy of mine who lives up in San Francisco, which I just realized that probably seems about right, getting a butt dial from San Francisco. that butt dials me all the time. And it's so weird. It's one of my best friends. And I'm always like, hello, Reg.

Hello. Hello, Reg. And I just, you know, I hear like ambient sound traffic and all this crazy stuff. And it happened again just the other day. And I'm like, hello, Reg, because, you know, his name comes up on my ID, my caller ID. and I'm hearing like, I'm trying to listen, and I'm hearing it almost sounds like he's shoveling. Like I'm being like, it sounded like he was digging a hole with a shovel. But then I thought, what if he's like had a heart attack or a stroke and he's laying on the ground and he's incapacitated and he can't speak and he's laying there and he's grunting and he's,

what if it's not a butt dial? What if it's a call for it? So I stay on the line. I get concerned for my buddy. So I yell. I'm like, hello. Are you okay? And then I listen.

I listen for clues. Is he grunting? Is he mumbling an address? Has he been abducted? Is there duct tape over his mouth? Is he in the trunk of a car? I'm listening for clues. Wait, was that a lighthouse?

Was that a train track I heard? Was that a Foghorn? I'm going to need all this for when I do the police report. And I don't know what's going on. And it's really weird. You kind of don't, should I hang up? And then I've got this guilt. I'm like, what if that was his last, someone caught him?

They buried him in a coffin under the earth. And this was his last phone called just before his battery died to reach out to a friend to help save his life, and I just hang up. Like, hello, who's that, Redge? I can't hear you, whatever. I'm going to the mall. I'm trying to get an Orange Julius, dude. Stop fucking around, Radge.

I'm trying to order an Orange Julius, and I'm going to Panned Express. Stop calling me and not saying anything. But, Tyler. But what if, right? What if a, that's the problem with butt dialing? You're not sure. What if it's your grandmother, your, your father?

mother, your parents, and they're, you know, I've fallen and I can't get up. And you just think it's a butt dial. They're laying on the floor, gasping for breath, crawling across the lollent, the tile, the tile, like a sea turtle. You know, sea turtles crawl up on the sand. Your loved one is crawling across the kitchen floor like a sea turtle, gasping. for breath into their phone, and you're like, oh, whatever, butt dialer.

So it's a bit of a dilemma, right? And even the term butt dial. Like, you know, if you think of it, what if a butt did call you? What if someone's ass actually called you? What would they have to say? Um, hello? Um, hello?

Who is this? His calling. What? Who is Johnny? Who? What? Oh, God, who is this? Is this what? Oh, is this a butt dial? Hello? Hello? Oh. Where are you calling from? Talk to me. Oh, don't you talk to me like that. I'm going to come right over there. How dare you? You, oh, nobody says that to me. Nobody. Stop it. That's so. God, okay, I'm hanging up. Who's ass? You're an ass. Ass.

Whose ass is this? Mother? No, wait a minute. Dad, is that you? Okay, Carol, I know. Barbara, is that David? Is that you, David? Oh, God, I'm hanging up.

I mean, right? I know it's a little rude and a little crude, but isn't that a real authentic? but dial would actually sound like? I got a wonder. So I don't know if it's happened to you. It's happened to me. But dialing.

Have you been butt dialing? The Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Grandma, your voice sounds funny. Do you have a cold or something? Okay, let's switch gears here. Can we talk about something a little more serious here for a second? And how about the sign of the times, the sign of the times we live in?

This is pretty concerning, but this is real. This is a real story that happened to me. So I was over in Florida recently, and I was doing some stand-up comedy shows, and during the day, I had some time open, and I thought, oh, I'm going to go see a movie, right? So I can't remember what movie. I think I went to see Deadpool. And so I go to this big theater. It's one of these big, like, you know, it's at a mall,

and it's like 28 theaters or something. One of these big AMC-type theaters. And I'm walking up the big steps and going in the big glass doors. And on the glass doors, something new that you're probably starting to see at theaters across America due to the violent tendencies, the horrible murders that have happened in movie theaters, people being shot up and killed.

And, you know, people, you know, in this kind of terrorist climate we live in, where people are, you know, detonating bombs like we saw in Boston, and we saw the radical Muslim attacks in California. and, you know, the world's just changing, right? It's getting scary. And a lot of this terror activity is being perpetrated by, you know, the terrorist side of the Muslim faith, the people that have demented and twisted the religion and use it as an excuse to terrorize and maim and murder the rest of. of the civilized world.

And so I'm walking into this theater, and there's a sign on the theater, on the glass doors, it says no masks or costumes, and we have the right to search your bags, and it says no knapsacks, no large bags, things like this, like stuff that obviously is like, okay I get it now it's kind of like the security deal right so I go into uh I go into the Deadpool movie and you know I bought some popcorn and I got some drinks and I walk into

it's a pretty big theater but it was in the middle of the day it was like a weekday so I walk in and I think there's like four other people in there and uh and then I walk in and I always like to kind of sit up near the back. I'm a backseat guy. So I sit right in the back. And about two minutes later, a young guy comes in, okay? And it looked like he was of Middle Eastern descent, maybe even East Indian descent. His skin was light brown, maybe looked at Pakistani or, you know, he had kind of a tanish color skin. And I, you know, I guess, am I racial?

profiling someone, I don't know. All I'm doing is telling you what this individual looked like. And I thought, oh, cool. I didn't think anything of it, but then I noticed he had a backpack on. And I was like, oh, that's interesting. I thought the sign kind of said that we weren't allowed to have backpacks. But it was, you know, it was a fairly hefty backpack. and if I'm drawing a comparison

and in this day and age, right, they're telling us, you know, if you see something, say something. Okay? So suddenly I'm comparing this backpack to the ones I saw in the Boston Marathon bombing. This thing was almost a carbon copy.

Same dimension, same size. It was kind of bulked out a little bit. And as far as the racially profiling, I hate to say it, this guy looked like he was either from a Middle Eastern or an East Indian heritage. And so as much as we're told not to racially profile, you know, after seeing so many horrific things in the media and on the news and seeing that those things have been perpetrated by a certain group of people, I, in a very honest and unracist,

way, couldn't help but make that connection. I went, oh, here's kind of a tan-skinned man who looks like he's, you know, from the Middle East, in the theater with a large backpack. And I had just finished reading a sign that said they weren't allowed, and I just finished watching stuff on the news, and I've just been told if I see something, I'm supposed to, so all of us are supposed to be kind of on the alert for this type of. a thing. But yet at the same time, we're told not to racially stereotype or racially profile and believe me, I would never want to do that. I don't think most people do. But I have to ask myself, if I'm being honest, if a freckle-faced red-headed kid from Scotland walked in with

pasty white skin and a backpack, I don't know if I'd be quite as concerned. Because as we've seen, there's a pattern to these things. And there's a, like, I said, there's certain people doing these things. And so suddenly I found myself going, wait a minute. You know, I'm making all these connections that, you know, I've been kind of told to make through the media and just based on my own kind of concerns. And so I'm like, no, I'm not going to be that guy. I'm not going to be the stereo. I'm not going to, you know, it's just a kid.

That's a normal kid with a backpack coming to see Deadpool, which, you know, at the end of the day is a violent movie. It's a superhero movie. And then I started thinking about one of the worst movie theater shootings was when the weekend the Batman came out. Some guy went in dressed as the Joker and shot the... And so there's kind of this parallel, this connection between fantasy superhero movies and a lot of younger. people that maybe have half their imagination stuck in that world. And this, this kid looked to be right in that age group. He wasn't a full grown man, but he wasn't a kid. He was probably like a mid-range teenager, maybe early 20s. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get Get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And so I'm kind of fighting my impulse to be kind of paranoid and to be, you know, fall into that whole, well, I better, you know, I better do something.

And so I'm kind of suppressing that urge. But then I'm also going, is that the smartest thing to do in this day and age? Am I, am I an idiot for not kind of listening to that inner voice that we've been told to listen to? So I'm fighting with that, and all of a sudden, this guy gets up and leaves the theater, but conveniently leaves his backpack right there on a chair. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. So now my, my spidey senses are tingling even more. And I'm thinking, whoa, this is kind of exactly the stuff they told us to look out for.

Why would this guy come into a theater? And why would he leave a bulging backpack? I don't often see that. Do you ever see that? Have you ever gone to a movie and see a guy come in with a big backpack and leave it and then walk out of the theater? I've never really seen that before. And this guy was alone. And so now all the bells and sirens are going off in my head.

And I'm like, I'm going to wait for like three minutes. And if this guy doesn't come back, I'm going to do so. I'm going to go warn somebody. And now the theater's starting to fill up more. More people are coming in. And then I'm sitting there and I'm going, wait a minute, three minutes. I could be dead in three minutes. What if this guy just walked out of the theater?

He's on his cell phone right now pressing the detonator. And so now I'm being that proactive guy that they tell us to be. I get up out of my seat. I leave my drink and my popcorn. And I almost can't believe I'm doing this. But this is the, you know, I just got warned on the way in the theater. They told me to watch out for this kind of shit. So I'm being the guy.

I'm complying. And also I'm just trying to be a smart human being and stay alive, which I shouldn't have to do on a Thursday afternoon going to see. a movie. But this is the world we live in. So I get up, I walk out of the theater, and I'm thinking, okay, maybe that, you know, obviously this guy has two places he can go. He either went in the bathroom or he went to the snack bar.

But why would he go to the snack bar if he, you know, he already came in. Most people, don't you do this? You buy your ticket. First thing you do is walk to the snack bar and then you go to your seats. So I thought he's got to be in the bathroom. so here I am. This is unbelievable. This is a real story. I kind of sneak into the bathroom and it's a pretty big bathroom because it's, I told you, it's a big complex. There's like 22 theaters in there. And I walk into the bathroom and me, Harland Williams, I'm literally kind of sneaking through the

bathroom, crouching down, looking for feet. in the stalls like you'd see in the movies like you ever see a gangster movie where where bad guys hide in the bathroom stalls and the the bad guys walk through the walk through the bathroom and look under every stall well i didn't get up close but i literally was like hunched over and i looked under every stall to see if there was some feet now like i said this was mid-afternoon during a weekday so luckily there was no one else in the bathroom but the problem is neither was this guy my suspect oh my god so now i'm like wait a second this fucking guy just left this guy who looks you know middle eastern or whatever fits the profile that we've all

seen in the media unfortunately and i apologized to anyone who's middle eastern but this this is this is the world that radical terrorists have have created for us So now I'm going, this fucking guy better be at the snack bar. So now I walk all the way down the hall. I go to the snack bar and I turn the corner and thank God there he is. He's getting popcorn. But also I'm going, is that just a ruse? Is that just kind of him, you know, in case there's video cameras?

You know, this is how deep my suspicion goes now because I'm trying to play it out because I've watched so many news stories where, you know, the detectives do all the after-the-fact stuff. Well, the camera here showed this and that, and it showed how they were sneaking. So I thought, what if the guy was very aware of security cameras and was using the snack bar as his kind of bluff to be out of the theater? And so now I'm kind of standing in the shadows hiding behind the, you know,

the claw machine that reaches down and grabs the stuffed animals. Suddenly, I go to see a movie. Suddenly, I'm a magnum PI. I'm a detective. I'm doing surveillance. I'm sneaking around men's bathrooms. I'm hiding behind claw machines. I'm staking out my mark.

All I wanted to do is see a movie. It's insane. I'm like, what kind of world is this that I had to get up and follow a guy into the shitter and then out to the snack bar? So I watch him for a bit to make sure he's actually making a purchase.

I'm watching him looking up at the menu and I see him talking to the girl. And I'm going, okay, okay. I guess he's getting some snacks. Why would you buy snacks if you were blowing something up unless you're really sadistic? And you want to like sit on the curb

and watch the movie theater. eat or burn while you eat Orville Redenbocker, right? So I'm kind of mostly convinced that everything's okay. And so I make my way back out to the theater and I kind of get back to my seat and I'm sitting and I'm looking at all the other people and I'm going, why didn't you people see this? Why weren't you as observant as I was? You people here almost, you almost owed me your lives. I almost went out and reported this guy

and got them to evacuate the theater. I'm sorry I ruined your Deadpool movie, but at least you're still alive. And that actually entered my mind. There was actually a beat where I envisioned myself standing down at the exit going, excuse me, everyone. We've all got to leave immediately.

Do not to ask questions. Just get out of the theater now. Please follow me. Like, I actually did a little training video in my head. And I know I sound exasperated and shocked and flummoxed, and it's because I am. I just never thought we'd live in a world where this is what I'd have to do going to a movie. I've been warned by the media. I've been warned by the actual theater that I'm sitting in.

and now I'm playing lifeguard in between sips of coke and my hot buttered popcorn. Wow. And I don't want to be in that position. You know, nobody does. I'm not racist. Most of the people in North America in the USA aren't racist. Is there racist? Are there, is there racism?

Sure. But most of us aren't like that. But now, thanks to radical terrorist Muslims, they've kind of put us in a corner where we have to make assumptions now. We have to cast aspersions. We have to be vigilant. We have to make deductions. And we have to put little pieces together based on what we've seen and what we've heard and what we've been told and what we read. And, man, is it unfortunate? I almost feel guilty about it, you know, but I'm never going to feel guilty about trying to save my own life

for somebody else's life. I mean, at the end of the day, we didn't create this. And so what's really unfortunate is the people of the Muslim faith and people of, you know, the Middle East and Pakistan and all that region that has inadvertently been pulled into it in such a negative way because these horrible people, that have committed these crimes

have pulled them into it by association, and it's awful. Millions of innocent people now get a second look for dubious things, and they shouldn't. And so it's a real weird balancing act that everybody has now. And so this was like a real story that happened to me, And again, I'm just chalking out. Sign of the Times, man. I don't know if any of you have had to deal with that. Maybe that should have been the question of the day. Have any of you had to sneak into a bathroom and follow a suspicious character

to the snack bar at the movie and almost make a report? Yikes. I don't like it, man. But that's the way it's becoming. That's the way I'm becoming. I'm very vigilant now. And by the way, it's not just like in, you know, we have to look like, look at that sect from the Muslim terrorist world. But let's not forget there's other races of people.

There's white people. There's Hispanic people. There's all races of people that are capable of horrific murders and crimes. And anyone can pull out a gun or make a bomb. And so now I kind of look around wherever I go. And it's pretty crazy, man. It's sad. It's a sad, sad commentary on our times.

Hopefully it goes away soon. I don't think it is, but one can only hope. So there you go. I thought I'd share that with you. Rod, let's get back to some funny stuff. I'm not trying to be negative here. I'm just telling you a part of, you know, it's reality. I'll leave it right there.

And let's move on. Let's end the show with some ha-ha-hoo-hoo-he-he-ha-ha, shall we? Dude, you got a tattoo. So did you do it? No. Oh. Dude, what does my tattoo say? Sweet!

What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet! What about mine? Dude, what does mine say?

Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude. What does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude. What does mine say?

Sweet! You, you idiot! Your tattoo is dude. Your tattoo says dude. Your tattoo says sweet. Got it? All right. So I said we'd leave on some laughs. And I don't know. I don't know. This is questionable. Because what I'm going to play for you is I just did this. This is fresh off the grill.

I literally just did this about an hour ago. Okay? I went down to the comedy store on Hollywood in Hollywood on the world famous sunset strip. And I did a stand-up set and I recorded it and I was going to save it for my premium members who paid $20 a year and they get this kind of special material. but when I put premium material up I always want to make sure that it's premium and this bit that I did I'm not sure if it's good or bad it's kind of I'm in the middle with it and here's why it was a special show at the

comedy store it was called On the Spot and it was me and Joe Rogan and a few other comedians and basically we're not allowed to go on stage and do material. The way it works is we go on stage and all we can do is take suggestions from the audience and whatever they suggest, we have to break into a, hopefully, a comedic routine about it. And so what happens more often than not,

whenever you do improv, because I've done a lot of improv over the years, and whenever you ask the audience for suggestions, for whatever reason, they always seem to, gravitate towards dirty things. Like, oh, like, gynaecologist and blowjobs and, you know, masturbating. And for some reason, people are, you know, porno, like people always yell out dirty things. And so tonight was no different. Of course, you'll hear it.

I think the first suggestion I got was something dirty. And when you're improvising and to show that you're playing along with the rules, of the game, you have to kind of just jump in. That's what I've learned over the years. You just have, no matter what the topic is, no matter how uncomfortable, how rude, you kind of have to jump in and talk about it.

And because it's something, you know, a topic that was definitely out of my element and out of my, you know, kind of framework, I just started rambling. You know, when you're up there alone on stage with a microphone and there's a whole room of people staring at you, waiting for you to say something you you just reach deep down inside and hope for the best

and i just don't know if this was any good or if it you know it was it too rude was it you know at that point you can't worry about what's rude or not rude because they've they've given you your topic and you got to go with it so instead of putting it on my premium content i thought you know it's so fresh off the grill i think i'll just play it for everyone here on the regular old Harland Highway, and I'll let you guys be the judge. If it sucks, I apologize. But remember, I was put on the spot, and you have to ask yourself, how would you have done being put on the spot?

So, you know, if it sucks, I apologize. If it's funny, thank you. And if it's in the middle, then so be it. But whatever, I took my chance. I had the balls to go up there and expose myself. and do it, and here's the end result. I hope you like it. You know, it was fun to do it.

It sounded like the crowd was having fun, but I'll leave the final judgment up to you. I hope it gives you some laughs as we close out the show. Here it is, me doing my stand-up, making it up in the exact moment. I want you to welcome your next meeting at the stage. Super funny. He's been in so many movies that are classics in my favorite. Please welcome.

Harlan Williams. Yeah. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Thanks, buddy. Thank you.

Wow. How about a half for my son, folks? Great kid. We were throwing sticks today in the park. He jumped up. I threw a lasagna, six feet in the air, and he caught a. the air and he caught it in his teeth the little bastard maybe you could look away well let's get into it i watched in the back how it works

and i guess i'm going to be taken suggestions so who's got some popcorn for daddy Rim jobs. What was it? Rib jobs. Rib jobs. All right. Great. We had one just ten minutes ago.

You're welcome. Yeah, rib jobs, you know, there's a lot of sexual acts. I mean, we all love sexual acts. You know, we have fellatio, we have conalinguists, which are two really odd words. They're kind of like, anybody here to speak Latin at all? They're kind of like either Latin words or they're like dishes in a Greek restaurant. It's like, you know, waitress, I'll have an order of kundalengas and a side of halachio with the Tatsiki dip. But really, you know, everything else is like a suck job, a fuck, a blow job, a fucking ass ram.

Conalingas, is it virtually himself under the words. But then we get to REM job, right? And that's a tough because not a lot of women go in for that, right? That's one when you've got to be kind of comfortable with someone, comfortable enough to ask him to give you a rim job, or you got to be on a first day with an out-and-out fucking hoe. It just gets there on her own. there on her own, like, you know, a rabbit put it down the glory hall, you know?

You could take orders later, I'm doing a show. But the worst experience I ever had with a rim job, you know, it takes a lot of courage as a guy to ask for a rim job, because, you know, it's a nervous thing for guys to ask running outside of regular sex. Like, you know, when you get with a girl and it's new, you know, you're almost nervous, say, hey, can I get a blow job? You kind of just let stuff fall into place, right? You don't really want to ask for stuff. And the rib job is probably at the top of the list.

You're sweating like a choir boy just after you suck the pineapple out of a turtleneck sweater. You could take your hand off your mouth until you shut up. But, so I was out with this girl, I went on, I'll be honest, look, you asked about it, I got to talk about it. I, you know, I thought, you know, I wouldn't mind a rib job, right? Who wouldn't mind, what guy in this room wouldn't mind a rib job? Already I was feeling really alone and lonely out there, but I just went to pie. alone and a vulnerable pie, like a kid from home alone who put the Tabasco sauce on his face.

And I thought, I'm not going to get a rim job going down to, you know, the Ritz Carlton. I'm not going to get a rim job looking for fresh beef down at the Soho Club. These are sophisticated women, right? So I head down to South Central, you know? I look for an edgy girl. Look, it doesn't matter the ethnicity, black, white, Asian, Mongolian, down syndrome, doesn't matter. Anything, anything goes, right? You've got to get an edgy girl to do a rim job.

So I go down to South Central L.A., and, man, I found one. And I got her back to the Motel 6 in Fresno. Got her in the car. We drove up there my clunky old cab. marrow and you know we're laying on the bed naked and everything's going well I'm semi-a-wrecked and I said hey Grzolda can I know if you're gonna laugh maybe I should stop I said I you know this is an edgy girl rough girl I said hey Grinsalda can I get a rip job off yeah and she says

fuck man no fucking problem I love to do fucking rib jobs essay they said essay are we writing a test and she said no and so I'm a little nervous I get spread that I saw you have to visualize this so this can't ask for it spread eagle like a lyric from a Rod Stewart song grounded holes sticking out and I closed my eyes I got nervous you ladies have done them you know what I thought and fortunately for me you know what was the real kicker for hers I thought okay she might like this because just two days earlier I had my ass sole bleached in Glendale the panda eye I call it the panda eye and so I'm laying there stretched out like Sharon Stone of two

Furphy vulture festival. No, I close my eyes. I'm like, I don't know if I can watch the rim drop. And I'm laying there, and I feel like, man, is her tongue that delicate? Like, you know, like a draft tongue, velvety? Because I don't really feel anything. And I'm laying there.

I feel like, God, it's like maybe 10 minutes of guys, 15 minutes. And all of a sudden she goes, oh, I'm finished, essay. And I'm like, holy fuck, you got magic lips. I didn't even feel it. I didn't feel the rim job. And she goes, What are you talking about my fucking lips for, I say? And I said, the rim jaw.

She goes, asshole, I was outside putting new wheels on your ear. Oh, you're going to grow up. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You a 10-minute rib-john mislead. You're fucking grow. That's what I just have a standing ovation and a root gun.

That's what I just did. All right, that topic didn't work. Let's joke in us somehow. Who else has something? What else we got? Luke Skywalker being gay. Luke Skywalker being gay? Wow, okay.

Speaking from experience. Man, Luke Skywalker. I mean, this guy is the symbol of manhood for every gentleman here because we grew up on Luke Skywalker, right? He was like, we idolized him. He was the guy that combated evil. He took on the forces of evil. He went to the dark side and looked it right in its fucking bleary,

clear-sill-coated eyes and fucking attacked him, you know? And it's frightening to think that, or maybe it's not. You know, this is a new age. Maybe it's liberating to think that Luke Skywalker was gay. Okay, he's got the word sky in his name. Who knew? The sky had a rainbow in it, all right? Luke Skyrimmer. But it's interesting to think, you know, the symbolism in the Star Wars movies, when you think about, you know, if Luke were gay and we looked at Star Wars through the prism of his intergalactic homosexuality.

Hello, Chewbacca? Seriously, now just a giant walking hairy nut sack, right? Okay, I might step back into rim jaw. What am I doing? Oh, that whole rim jaw thing was my whole set? This shit's easy, all right? Why'd you have such a shitty time? That's my son. I can get the fucking kid.

I told him if you run into trouble up here, tell him you're doing a one-woman show. Did he do it? Woo! That's my point. We get him the rim job later. He said, you can not eat. I'm doing a show. But, you know, since I have two minutes and the Luke Skywalker thing's really not going well, let's get one quick two minutes.

Monogamy. What is it? Monogamy. Excellent. Monogamy. When I was a little boy, I grew up in Canada, and we know in Canada there is snow, snow, snow, everywhere. And nothing warmed my heart than to get out on a beautiful, crisp, snowy morning, five feet of snow, go down to the park, and monogamy down the snow. Why are people mourning? This is fucking hard. to look at my own greasy reflection at so I think. All right, well, I really didn't realize I went on so long of a rim job.

In a way, it was my best moment. Your sucked. Thank you, everyone, enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you. It was my father, everybody. Okay, okay. Thank you enough. Thank you.

So, as you can see, I don't know. I hope there was a few giggles in there. But, you know, the time went really fast. Like, when I was doing that whole rim job routine, I literally thought that was about two minutes. And the guy told me afterwards it was about seven minutes long. And I'm like, what the hell? So I wasn't.

really able to get going on any of the other topics because I saw the guy flashing the light in the back and that's the signal that my time's up. So right in the middle of the Luke Skywalker thing, he said, my time was up and I said, well, how much time? He goes two minutes. So I thought, I'll try something new and it didn't really work out. So there you go. My premium members who I said I was going to save this for, I will present you with something else. I have have another, uh, cool show coming up very soon and, and, uh, it's a whole different format. And we will, we will put that up as a, uh, as some premium content. So I hope everybody enjoyed this for what it's worth. Good, bad, ugly, whatever. It's all in the name of fun and

having some laugh. So let's leave it right there. Uh, let's do a few announcements before we get the hell out of here, before we all go get a rim job, uh, uh, uh, everybody? let's see what can I tell you let's talk about the comedy party that's right the comedy party boys and girls uh the comedy party just so you know is an incredible stand-up show that i will be doing uh in april um it's with myself uh tom green you know tom green Polly Shore. You know Polly Shore. Bobby Lee from Mad TV. You know Bobby Lee. Yeah, you do.

And it's called The Comedy Party, and it's all four of us under one roof. Are you kidding me? One night only in three cities. Let me tell you where they are. Joliet, Illinois, at the Rialto Square Theater. These are all beautiful theaters. April 7th. April 8th, the Coronado Arts Center, Rockford, Illinois.

Beautiful. Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa, April 9th. So these are 7-8-9, the comedy party, Pauly Shore, Tom Green, Harlan Williams, Bobby Lee, all at these beautiful theaters, one night only at each place. Go to Harlan Williams.com, and for God's sakes, get your tickets, because I'm telling you they are going fast. If you have friends that live out in that part of the world in the Midwest,

please call them, alert them, tell them they don't want to miss the comedy party. Believe me, we are going to have a blowout, and I thank you for spreading the word. Also, the following week, April 14th, that will be in Brea, Brea, California, just outside of Los Angeles at the Brea Improv. That's April 14th to the 17th, and at the end of the month, the homeboy returns to Canada. I will be in Edmonton, Alberta at the Comic Strip, at the West Edmonton Mall. I think it's the biggest mall in the world. This is April 28th through the whole weekend of April 28th.

So make sure you get your tickets for that. Those shows usually sell out really quick. And then in May, May 12th to the 15th, Harland Williams returns to New York to Gotham Live. Two shows Friday and Saturday night, May 13th and 14th. Love doing shows in New York. What a blast. So there you go.

Check all these dates out at Harlan Williams.com. You can order your tickets right there. Click on the comedy link. While you're there, check out the store. and Williams store. We got all kinds of great gifts we can send out to you. If you want to leave me an email comment, you can click on the contact link. Or if you'd like to leave me a phone message, 323-739-43330. That's 323-739-43330. The number is on the website. And don't forget to get your Harland Highway app on your cell phone. Just go to your app store.

type in the Harland Highway, download it, and then please, if you get the chance, join our premium membership for $20 a year. Not a month. I know you thought I was going to say $20 a month. $20 for a year. That gets you almost 800 episodes of this show. It gets you all the premium content, special stand-up comedy stuff, special character stuff.

my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight. We have some great fights coming up in the tube and just good stuff. Good, good stuff. So I hope you can help us out and join the premium membership. And that's it, man. That's all we got for today. I hope you're healthy. I hope you're well.

Thanks for listening. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway. And, of course, until next time. Chicken, show me, baby.