The Harland Highway - 750 - Leprechuan KRINKY McKRINCKLES is on the show! Harland get's Pissed Off!

Episode Date: March 17, 2016

Happy St.Pat's! Krinky McKrinckles the leprechuan appears on the show today. New segment called PISSED OFF! Hilary's cankles. THankles!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, what a show. What a show we have here today, don't you know? Yes, we have a great show. It's St. Patrick's Day. So happy St. Patty's Day to all. Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you. To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, we have someone from Ireland coming in. As long as it's not that freak Crinky McRingles, the Leprocon, I'll be happy.

Actually, it is Crinky McRingles, and I'm. very sad about it but let's see what happens uh also we're going to be uh introducing a new segment today a new segment about uh harland being able to vent when he's pissed off it's called the pissed off segment we got that today we have the question of the day uh we're going to be talking about something uh plump and juicy also uh we have we have a caller a uh a page Daveman Pounder called in and left a very interesting and thought-provoking message for us. And all that and more. We're going to have a good, good time today.

So happy St. Patrick's Day. I hope you're wearing something green. And if not, go hang out at the Mucineck guy's house. Because here we go. This is the Harland Highway. Where are I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I want to start the show with a new segment. Okay? We all get pissed off from time to time and we want to vent. We need to vent. We need to let out our frustration. because we're pissed off. So here's my new theme. Whenever I need to vent,

I'm going to play this pissed off theme, and I'm going to vent. Here we go. Hit the new theme, Rodge. Right now, go. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off.

Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You. Pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes!

The fuck is their problem, man! Okay, there it is. Whenever you hear that in the future, you know it's time for Old Harlan event. And here's something that pisses me off. You ever get behind people and they're driving in front of you and they come to a stop sign and they stop as they should as the law requires, but instead of like stopping quickly and they stop as if they're a school kid looking both ways before they run across the road.

You ever get these idiots? They stop and then they look both. ways and then they kind of take in the atmosphere and they have a thermos and they pour themselves a cup of coffee and they watch the birds flying around. You know what I mean? They just they stay there like way too long. And I don't mind it if it's a busy intersection. If there's a lot of traffic, a lot of confusion, fine. I don't care one bit. It's a smart thing to do. But the other day I got behind a car and we were meandering through a back neighborhood where literally we were the only two cars we came to multiple four car intersections still the only two cars and this like this

poke and i say that in the meanest of tone poke pulled up to the stop sign and instead of of stop one gone it was stop one two three four five six and go and the first time i was like okay a little annoying maybe the person's distracted but then but then the second stop sign one two three four then the third stop sign five six it's like get your ass in gear ass one it says stop. It doesn't say coma. It says stop. It doesn't say linger. Okay? Move your ass.

And who the hell stops for real in a in a backwoods back intersection where there's no one around? Who comes to a complete dead stop? I bet most of you don't. Most of you kind of to come to a, they're almost like 98% stop, but you're like, almost completely something. There's no one around.

I'm going to keep going. And this jack quad probably used up at least, I don't know, 15, 20 seconds of my valuable life. How dare they? One, two, three, four, I better look all around. There's no other cars at any stop sign at the four car intersection. We haven't passed any cars. There's been no cars coming the other way. There's no children running around.

There's no dogs. There's no one walking on the street or on the sidewalk. It might as well be a post-apocalyptic nuclear dead zone. There's so little life except for the guy behind you that has places to go and has things to do. So go sit on a mushroom somewhere else, slow ass. There, see, that's my new segment. It's the I'm Pissed Off segment, and Harlan just gets to vent. That feels so much better, and now let's move on with the show.

Ted's Lucky! He's got Lucky Charms. Always have to be Lucky Charms. The cereal, sweet surprises. Hearts, moons, stars, clobbers. They're coming. I'll make a box to hide in. Ooh, rusted Lucky Charms! magically delicious well it is uh st patrick's day today uh for all you irish folk out there uh happy saint patrick's day i've got irish heritage my mother's uh maiden name is odonnell

so i've got all kinds of irish going on in me baby um and uh rogers said we have a special guest coming in today i don't know who it is but uh i guess we're going to have a talk about Ireland, about Irish heritage, about the meaning of St. Patrick's Day. I'm guessing it's obviously somebody Irish, hopefully a scholar or a historian, perhaps. Who do we have, Roger? Who? Are they here? All right, well, don't tell me.

I want to be surprised. Just send them in and let's just roll this. This will be a lot of fun. So here comes someone in. The door is opening. Wait a minute. Oh no No, Roger, not him

No Oh, shiver me timbers It's Crinky McRingles The Irish Leprecon Oh God, no, Roger Shiver me timbers Flokty Dockty Shlarkty Dockty Flarkty

Roger, why? I do not want this freak in here Oh, why wouldn't you want a real-life Leprocon in here Shiver me timbers Flokty Dockty? Stop with the stupid Irish sayings. Well, I wouldn't want someone to tell me to stop with the Irish sayings on my own day.

Shiver me flirtty, darky, flirty, shiver me timbers, flirty, darky, shiver me timbers! Stop it! What the hell is wrong with you, guy? Well, nothing's wrong with me, shiver me flirty. It's St. Patrick's Day, don't you know, young fella? I know it's St. Patrick's Day, and we were supposed to have someone in here with a half a brain. Oh, shiver me timbers, don't make fun of a leprechaun. It's bad luck, me timbers, shimber. Flimmerty dim, glimberty glimberty glim, glomberty, glimberty, glim. Stop! You're going to stop with the little Irish, whatever it is you're doing.

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, what do you want here? Well, it's St. Patrick's Day. I thought I'd make a nice big giant stuffed Irish potato. I don't want a nice, big, stuffed Irish potato. It's shiver me Timbers Day. You've got to have a nice, Irish stuffed potato. It's not shiver me Timbers Day,

And it's not... Flarkty, darkly, clarkty, darky, darky, flirty, darky! What is that you're even saying? Those aren't even real words. Well, that's how me shiverby timbers, leprechauns talk, me, boy. I'm not your boy. Now, what would you like on your nice, big, fat, hot Irish potato? Listen, I don't know if I've made myself clear.

I do not want a fresh hot Irish potato. Would you like some sour cream on your hot Irish potato? Shiver me florkty timbre me dark. Clarkety darkety darkly dark. Stop it. Every year you show up and you give me a migraine headache. That's what you give me an Irish migraine headache. Don't want a hot stuffed potato with sour cream.

Well, how about some chives and some bacon on your hot Irish potato? I'm sure you'd like some nice chives and bacon on your hot Irish potato. Shiverty flork, clarkledy dork. Shiver me timbers, clarkdy, darky-dark-dy! Get them out. Get them out. about a nice shamrock shake then don't you know wait a minute what did you say a nice irish shamrock shake flurkti dorky okay maybe maybe i will have it i do like those shamrock shakes

from macdonald's not for macdonald's i make them the real way the irish way shirkleddy flork florkty glorgty how do you mean Have me your coffee mug there, little feller. All right, what do you want with my coffee mug? I see there's some coffee in it still, shiver me timbs. Yes? Well, let me pull down my pants and blow some fart bubbles in it, and you'll have a nice shamrock shake.

Shiver me timbers, shiver... Shiver me timbers, that one came out like a fresh-fried onion potato, shiverably flour. Get him out. Get him out. The guy just farted in my coffee mug. It's a real shamrock shake she be. Shiverty flork. Clitherly nork.

Clipperty glomberty glark. Get him out. Get out and slam the door, you little elf. You dirty little Irish elf freak. Ah, suck me fried potato. Suck me fresh whipped cream. Me fried potato. And how about I stick one of me curly leprechaun shoes

Rade up your big fat rosy-red arsehole Shiver me tim, globberty glimbberty-dibberty-dibbordy-dim! Get out! God! What, I don't know, does anyone else have a migraine but me? What the fuck is wrong with that idiot? God, my head is pounding. Roger, let's just move.

Thanks a lot for letting Crinky McRingles in here. Last guy I need to see on a festive day like this. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. let's do something out let's do the question of the day let's do that come on the harland highway question of the day all right this is a big one and it's it's been on everyone's mind you know it's an election year every time you turn on the tv or the radio it's election election election and as you know on the democratic side Hillary clinton is running and uh you know

you always see you're wearing the pantsuits When was the last time you ever saw Hillary in a dress? Think about it. When have you ever seen Hillary in a dress? And here's the reason why, and I feel kind of sorry for it, because obviously she's self-conscious about it. But I think the real reason she does it is because the woman has massive cancels. Yes, cancels. And my question of the day is, what the hell are cancels?

Many of you are probably wondering what the hell cancels are. And I don't know that I have the answer, but I, you know, I know what they look like. Like cancels are, you know how most women's ankles taper? You know, you got the thigh, you got the knee, you got the calf, and then the calf tapers down to the ankle, and then you got the foot, right? But when you have a canckel, and I hate to draw this comparison, but this is the best way I can describe it is with a canckel, there's no taper. There's a lack of tapering, and the thickness of the calf kind of goes right down towards the ankle.

So you almost get what, unfortunately, for anyone with cancels, you get the elephant effect. It's kind of like It's kind of like it looks like an elephant's leg You know, an elephant, it's just round And it goes all the way down to that foot So I just looked up cancels in the dictionary C-A-N-K-L-E, canckel An unusually thick or stout ankle

The name comes from a blend of calf and ankle canckel very much you're welcome um so with hillary i guess she's you know she's a public figure she's running for office and and you really don't want anything to be a hindrance or something that people can make fun of even though i'm about to do it but keep in mind i make fun of all the candidate so don't label me anything um so as a result she always wears these ridiculous pantsuits where she looks like a hostess at the olive garden and and there are pictures on the internet there has been the rare time when when hillary made the mistake of wearing a dress and some paparazzi caught her and it's not pretty i'm not trying to be mean it's just it's not

pretty. It's like, you know, Donald Trump's hair isn't pretty? Or Donald Trump's squinty eyes aren't pretty? Hillary's cancels aren't pretty. So wisely, she hides them. But if you see the pictures of her and you see the cancels, you just go, whoa. You just go, those are big cancels. Like I start thinking, shouldn't she be on a riverbed in Colorado somewhere? Stomping. dinosaur footprints into the clay or into the rock you never see dinosaur footprints just stamped into the there's it's always in the bed of a riverbank i feel like hillary's giant cancels she should just be hammering hand just stomping around on the river bank and her pantsuit

with her shoes off her turquoise pantsuit on the edge of her river her friggin't cancels just coming down right into the rock or maybe make some money off the cancels you know go go up to napa valley the you know wine country and open a vineyard can you imagine the the the wine the grapes hillary could crush with her cancels she could be up there making uh cancels Clinton Pino Noir. How about a nice, how about a nice crisp glass of sparkling

cancels rouge? Oh my God. Hillary could just, she could roll her pant legs up on her green jumpsuit and just be stomping up and down in a big cedar barrel.

Crushing wine. And I hate to be morbid, but, you know, we all die. We all have to die one day. I wouldn't mind one day if I'm at like a flea market or something. And I see what I think is an elephant foot with umbrellas standing in it. And I buy it and I put it by my door and I do some research. I send it in for DNA and it turns out it's not an elephant foot. I've got an umbrella stand of Hillary's cane.

just one of them because you don't want to who has that many umbrellas right so so the question of the day is what the hell is a canckel and and i wonder how the hell do you get them is that is that a thing is that a birth is up a birthright you know you you come out and you've got cancels or is that is that uh the result of eating too many eskimo pies or or too many waffles too much fried food, maybe not enough calcium in your diet, your ankles just swell out. Unbelievable.

So there you go, man. There's the Harland Highway Question of the Day. What in the name of holy buffalo meat? Arcankles. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan.

How's it going? So I heard you mentioned Spinoza the other day. That was really cool that that randomness came up there. Spinoza's like the best. Like, he's very underlook. Because what he says is so strong and powerful. He was kind of a mystic, but he was also a rationalist. So basically people that are atheists or people that are religious might slip out and have a problem with it.

But he basically looked at things like, put it off, in general, he said science is the language of God. So basically he said he believed that nature itself is dualistic, so it's good and evil, it's positive and negative, but that God is totally good, only good. And as an extension of God, came the dualism which we embody, even though we have a part of God in us. Or I should say, he says everything is made of thought and extension of thought of God. So that's the universe.

So the universe is thought and extension of God. Pretty deep stuff. But anyway, the way he says is the point to be rational is to use nature or science to talk about God. So if you were to just put every, if you were talking about science, you would really be talking about God. So he would look at the Bible and he would find all the places that people saw metaphors and he would say, no, no, no, no, no, this is literal. and all the places that people look at literal like the fundamentalist he would say

no it's a metaphor like they thought a metaphor was fireballs coming from the sky you know killing villages in the Bible right now that's you know meteors or whatever or you know Jesus

you know his blood as wine anyway yeah point is snows is the best I mean, everybody rips him off. Nobody cites him, except for, you know, cool people. But, yeah, man, like yourself. Thank you.

Hey, right on, man. I'm glad you liked that I brought that up. You know, I didn't really know much about the man. And, yeah, I did mention him in a recent podcast. It was just kind of came up randomly as a fluke, and I looked him up. I appreciate you enlightening us a little more as to this man who was a deep, deep thinker. And I appreciate your words there. Very, very cool.

You know, it's nice, I got to say, it's nice to know that intelligent human beings lived on our planet. You know, people that were deep and formulated thought. because, and I don't want to be too mean, but, you know, I had that idiot on earlier, Kringy McRingles, the leprechaun, and the guy just, you know, it's almost like the biggest idiot I've ever heard in my life, and then to hear something deep like this, it, you know, I think my migraine just went away. So thank you for that phone call. It, it just kind of took away all the mental retardedness of that stupid leprechaun and by bringing me back into the world of intelligent speak

it nullified that... What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no! What are you doing back here, Crinky McRingles? Well, I heard you talking poorly about me, me, boy. And I have to warn you, it's not a wise thing to be talking poorly of a mystical master. Magical leprechaun sluggledy dark, clark de fork, gibbledy glark, clark. Oh, really? And what are you going to do?

Well, how about I put my curly-tipped leprechaun shoe, right up your puffy little arsehole and pry it open like a can of fucking beans? You know what? Watch your language on my show. How about I put me curly leprechaun slipper, right up your nostril and open it like a can of a can of fucking Del Monte. Fucking pineapple chunks. Slipperty glibb. Glorvety glurb.

Snobblety snot. Glob. Would you knock it off? If you can't handle a few bad words. I shan't be letting you slander me. Especially not on my own day. St. Patti's Day. Me, creaky McRingles,

getting abused by a piece of crap like you. I don't think so, flogglety, Shiver me timbers, shiver me timbers, florty doorky? Would you stop saying shiver me timbers? Well, how about this? Suck me! Rosie red Irish ass cheek, you dirty bastard. How about that? You sweet and sour fuck face.

Stop with the language. Well, you shouldn't have called me out there, me boy. You dirty, dirty, potato sucking shit wand. Stop it, get out of here. I'm going I'm good and ready I'm a magical mystical Get the hell out of here All right

But I'll be back next year And I'll be shoving a whole bag of my taiters Rate up your fat Scottish arsehole I'm not Scottish You are in my book You big fat Scottish Freckle-faced redhead arsehole

Shiver me timbers Glorkelty glark Clark de gnaugty Shirk de clibber me bling Shut up and get out! I'll see you next year with me, curly leprechaun slippers, and I'll pry your asshole open, like a bag of Orville Redenbockers popcorn from the microwave, shiverdy glark,

cobbledy schnark. Get out! Fuck! Roger, please! I can't do it anymore. I'm ending the show. I've got a, my head is throbbing. I wouldn't be surprised if most of our listeners just shut their listening devices off.

And if anyone's still listening, which I highly doubt, I am apologizing for not only that demented, freaked out leprechaun elf, but the horrible language. Just horrible language. Good Lord. What is happening in this world? Let's end the show right there. I'm sorry, guys. You know, we're right at the end anyways,

but it couldn't have ended soon enough. I'll tell you that. Jeez, let's talk about something more fun. Just added a new comedy club to my yearly roster here. I'm going to be in Erie, Pennsylvania. Junior's Last Laugh, that's Erie, Pennsylvania, March 30th through April 1st. The club is called Junior's Last Laugh, Erie PA, March 30th to April 1st. So get your tickets for that.

You can get them at Harlan Williams.com right at my website. Click on the stand-up tour link, and it'll take you right there. And then following that, April 7th, the comedy party begins. That's Tom Green, Polly Shore, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, myself. We're doing a three-night comedy party. The first night's April 7th, Juliet, Illinois, at the beautiful Rialto Square Theater. And then April 8th, we'll be going to the Coronado Performing Arts Center in Rockford, Illinois. and April 9th for the Five Flags Theater in Dubuque, Iowa.

It's going to be great. Then later in April, I'll be at the Brea Improv. That'll be April 14th to 17th, Brea, California. Then I'm off to Edmond and Alberta, April 28th to May 1st at the comic strip, and then Gotham Live, New York, May 13 and 14. So some great dates coming up, but you don't want to miss the comedy party with me, Tom Green, Bobby Lee, and Pauley Shore.

It's going to be a blast. That's four major headlining comics all under one roof in a beautiful theater. Please get your tickets, tell your friends. And like I said, go on harlandwilms.com and just click on the comedy stand-up tour link. If you want to call me, and leave your thoughts in my voicemail box. 323-739-4330, 3233-739-43330.

Or you can write me at harlemwilliams.com. There is a link for you to leave a message. If you'd rather email me, please make sure you get our app. You can now get the Harland Highway phone app. Just type in the Harland Highway in your app store, and boom, you are in. You get the latest 50 episodes free, and if you want to get all 750 episodes of the Harland Highway,

join our premium content. It's only $20 a year. And with that, you also get my special live stand-up comedy performances. You also get my whole other podcast called Let's Have a Fight. We have a great fight coming up very soon with a comedian Adam Ray, Brad Williams. These two go at it, and it is hilarious. So please join your contribution. Your $20 a year also helps fund all the podcast activity I do.

And yes, $20 a year is very, very cheap. That's like two visits to McDonald's, right? So I thank you in advance. And the people that have already joined, thank you so very much. You guys rock. and I love bringing the comedy and the laughs to you guys minus crinky mcringles of course what a pain in the ass so we'll leave it there everybody hope you're doing great happy St. Patrick's Day

all you Irish folk and everyone else who likes to enjoy the Irish holiday all the best keep it green keep it real in the deal and florty dorky schnorky shiver me kimbers and until next time

a great big green bowl of chicken chalman baby shiver me timbers