The Harland Highway - 751 - SPECIAL GUESTS - comedians Adam Ray & Brad Williams

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Harland talks and laughs with comedians Adam Ray and Brad Williams. Breasts, dating, animals, and moles, are all covered on today's show! Blow by blow show!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway. This is kind of like a bonus intro because I have another intro coming up, but this is a very special show. So I really want to milk it. Today's show is not your ordinary show. Today I have two guests, two wonderful, very funny, interesting, great guests, comedian Brad Williams and comedian Adam Ray. They're also actors and writers and very creative, inventive people. And we're just going to sit around and chew the fat. We're going to talk about fake boobs.

We're going to talk about childhood memories. We're going to talk about the fights we've had with girls. We're going to talk about strange things on women's breasts. We're going to talk about all kinds of fun things. I mean, these guys are comedian, so anything we talk about just tends to get funny real fast. So I hope you enjoy it. I hope you enjoy our little sit-down conversation with these two great guys. It's going to go through the whole show from start to finish because it got so good.

I decided we got to do the whole 35, 40 minutes. So settle in. Here we go. This is the Harland Highway. What is this, some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody. in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. This is Harland Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. And what a beautiful, sunshiny night. You know, I have some amazing guests here on my show today.

One of them could be related. and one of them, I hope, is related. Two hilarious, hilarious comedians. And these are guys that I work with all the time. And we've been having a lot of laughs over the years. You've seen them in movies. They've got some new TV projects they're going to tell you about. But let me welcome them without further delay.

Brad Williams is here. And he's the one that I think I might be related to. Well, I mean, same last name. So we're hoping somewhere down the line if you climb the family tree. one of your... Maybe I can blame the dwarfism on you for some weird reason. Wait, what's that?

What's the dwarfism thing? What is that? The condition I have that makes me... Oh, you're a dwarf? Yeah, yeah, I know. I never talk about it. Okay, he's a dwarf. Are my other guess, Adam Ray, are you a dwarf?

No, I just have a dwarf fetish. Yeah. Okay, okay. So Adam Ray is here as well. Hello, Adam. Hi, Har. And hello, Brad. Hello.

Do people ever call you Bradley, or is it just Brad? My mother, when she's mad at me. Oh, wow. Yeah, because that's my actual name is Bradley. Yeah, it is Bradley. So when I hear that, I have some sort of Pavlov dog reaction, and I just start tensing up, like, oh, God, I did something wrong. Wait, she calls you Bradley and you eat dog food?

Yes. Wow. I mean, we had a weird relationship growing up. She wasn't sure how to raise a little person properly. She doesn't know. Is this what he eats? Yeah, she didn't know if the diet was consistent with other kids my age. And she saw some of those purine.

commercials where the dog seemed pretty active and they said this dog food stimulates bone growth and so uh she said well maybe that'll do the trick and then she just had me eat that instead kibbles and grids wow too soon now adam when your mother gets mad does she call you adamly no she just breastfeed's me oh she'd go for a sock go for a nice little boob suck calms me down oh does she warm it up first or is it cold or warm milk it's a personal question but yes she does she warms it up yeah i don't like uh cold titty milk and that's on my resume. It was my high school yearbook quote. And it will be my platform when I run for office in 2025. How do you want, do you like have to slap on your breasts in a microwave for like

four or five seconds? How do you warm a breast? I appreciate you asking. So how you do it is you take the tit out of the blouse or mumu or um, raincoat. So your mother's Hawaiian. Moomoo's Hawaiian. What'd you call her? Hawaiian? Too soon. I felt like that was too soon. You know she was beating on a pineapple farm, how dare you? Well, what? She was? From age six to nine. She got a couple of nice Hawaiian punches on a pineapple farm.

Isn't that what you're supposed to get? Wow. Does she have a Magnum P.I. must have? Not with that attitude. We were talking about the dog food. Yeah. And you guys, we were, just before we started, there was a really good question thrown out. Yeah.

Should, you know, people who have a kitty litter box in the house for the Should it just be cats that have a litter box, or should there be other things or people even? Well, the thing is, is I feel that as a little person, if I had a key litter box and people just walked into my place and they're like, what's this? Where's your cat? I go, oh, no, I use that. Because you're little. Yeah. They'd probably be like, oh, okay, that's what those people do.

Oh, my God. So there's a height requirement. Yeah, like, people don't necessarily know the stereotypes of little people. Like, they're all kind of mystical. Dude. So I could just say, like, oh, no. No, my people shit in a box. Oh, my God.

And you know 30% of the people would go, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I think it was real. And they'd pass it on. Yeah, they would go to a party the next night and be like, no, you did, here's, fun fact I just found out last night. A dwarf's shit in a box. Yeah. Wow.

They do. This is true. Yeah, they do a power squat and they just shit in the box. I don't like that. I don't like picturing you shitting in a box, but what I do like is seeing you after you do the dump, like using. your paw to put the gravel over top of it. That would be cute. That would be darling. Yeah, you got, you got

you got to do that rear, like, whenever a dog shits, they do, they do that kick. They're like, fire up the grass behind them for some weird reason. It's like they're doing, they're like burning rubber. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like a rooster tail on a, on a boat. What does taking a shit have to do with kicking

up grass? Like, what's the, what's the connection? I have no idea. I just did a shit. I better pull up some grass. Yeah, it's so angry. Maybe just the leftovers of how angry the shit was that you just need to tear apart Mother Nature. Imagine if, like, you took a giant dump, and I'm sorry we got off on this foot right up. I mean, I'm... Imagine you just took a giant dump, wiped your ass, ran outside to your 73 Camaro, and did a 50-foot burnout down your street, and the whole neighborhood just run.

You must have just dropped the huge one. Like, how does... What? Yeah, I don't know when that move began, like, followed, yeah. Maybe there was I don't know It's weird It is weird

Like when a bull in the bull ring Like stomps his hoof You know he's Piscas As a guy stabbing him with a sword Yeah that makes sense Why you're so angry at your turd player Is what I'm gonna get tattooed on my back Right

Absolutely that would make a wonderful tramp stamp on you Brad is right though about the Those dwarf stereotypes Like when you don't know about Something you create your own limitation about what's possible. I don't know that he drove until I rode with him. Oh, really?

Two months into hanging out, we were leaving a comic club. He's like, do you want to ride? And I was like, on your dragon? What do you mean? Wow, really? Yeah. There's a car involved. So people will pass on that kitty litter thing to, like, there will be listeners to this

right now who are like, oh, so that's not what it is? Yeah, I love it. That's funny. That would totally blow people's mind. And I remember the story you told me the first time that you shat in a box. Yeah. What was it I forget? Because there's been so many times. Well, you said you got invited to, who was it? Christopher Reeves' second. Guy goes right to a guy in a wheelchair, a beloved hero who got crippled by falling off a horse.

Great. Nice choice. Was it from falling off the horse? Did I do anything in Helen Keller's box while you're at it? Jeez. I mean, that's the thing. Doing something in Helen Keller's box sounds like the most fucked up porn time ever. Yeah, really? Or the best porn ever, depending on what you're into. Yeah, she never saw it coming. Wow. Or heard it coming. Wow, wow. This is the best podcast I've

ever done. I mean, we're trying to offend absolutely everyone on this part. I think we're doing it. This is classic goal. Wow. I was going to ask you guys, because, you know, we all, do you have a girlfriend now, Adam? No, I'm still playing the single game. But you have it? You have a later. I have a girlfriend who lives with me now.

Oh, wow, dude. He's an adult now. Yeah. Oh, wow. Interesting. So then people walk into my apartment and they see, and they see an Asian girl and they go, does every dwarf have one of these? Oh, really?

She's Asian, huh? And I go, yes, every dwarf comes with, it's like a play set. Like, sometimes you get those action figures. Yeah, like, uh, he man came with that little. The scepter. Yeah, yeah, he came with that and the little guy that had the red coat on that kind of floated. Remember that? Superman? Sure, whatever.

Jesus. Way to bring it back around. Blue tights, big ass on his chest. Batman came with Robin, you know what I mean? So it's like, yeah. What? So like you walk in. That sounds like a porno right there.

Batman did what with Robert? So yeah, so you just walk into my apartment and I have a lovely half Chinese woman that greets you and you're like, wow, Brad, Brad's doing well. Did you set out? Because some guys have, is it the word proclivity? to towards Asians or did she just fall into your lap like oh she's Asian but I won't she's now she's my girlfriend

Are you seeking out an Asian girl? Was not seeking out an Asian girl I don't believe they have That dating app has not been created yet The dwarf seeking Asian I don't know what they would call that I mean so We would call it Stanford University

Maybe call it Pandasexpress You know Pandus Sexpress you know I could work That could work. I'd be a user. I'd put some plum sauce on that spring roll. Yeah, but...

Well, what I was getting at is you've been with the ladies, obviously. Adam says good, but what I wanted to ask you guys is we've all had fights. Yeah. With our girlfriends. And my question was, what was one of the dumbest triggers for a fight? Like, you get into a full-blown fight, the silent treatment, yelling, however it ends up. But what was one of the dumbest triggers for a fight? dumbest jumping off

points for a fight, a real fight with a girl that you were going out with? Freshman, I've got two. Okay. One of them's quick. Okay, freshman year of high school, I went on a camping trip with a group of friends. And my girlfriend at the time

decided to give me the silent treatment out of nowhere and flirt with one of my best friends most of the camping trip. Just out of nowhere. In the fort, out in the woods. Out in the woods. Okay. So at one point, we're all laying on the beach and finally we're starting to get some conversation and some connection back in our lives and I'm laying down next to her and we're kind of like you know cuddling a little bit and I'm kind of like you know gently caressing her body and uh and Brad put your pants on and so

I reach over and I see what I think is like a speck of dirt like below her left bosom oh boy and I start to scratch it off and I go oh let me get this off and by the way we just started to patch things up a little bit okay and I start scratching and she just doesn't move and I'm like well this this won't come off and she goes that's my mole you idiot and I go and I just commit to it and I go It's not being cooperative. I'm trying to get this baby off. Like, joking it? Yeah, yeah.

She didn't talk to me the rest of the trip. We get back to school. She's like, gives me the cold shoulder. And then I just call... The cold mole. I call her out in like in the middle of school, like, one day being like, what did I do? She's like, you tried to rip my fucking mole off.

And I was like, you were the one that gave me the cold shoulder and even put me in the position to overcompensate to try to connect with you because you weren't giving me. Anyway, second one. Wait, wait, before we move on. She's married with three kids and she's unhappy, so fucking, yeah, that's what you get this. You win. Here's the thing. The mole is still there. I've never heard of a mole under a tit.

It reminds me, you ever see these guys that get the tear drop tattoo under their eye? Their mole probably looked like a tit tear. So like her tit killed someone? Yeah. So then they got like the little mole tattoo. Yeah, you got the mold tattoo. She's in a gang. I'm careful around this tit.

That's a sign. Had I known that, I wouldn't try to scratch off a gang symbol. Wow. So, what's the other one? The second one is I, you know, once I started doing a lot of sketch videos, I did one where when Jersey Shore became popular, this website called Comedy Time had me do a video that was playing an MTV executive, like a greasy Italian typical, like, just like, hey, Tony Ma'Othony,

and like, I'm the exec that put Jersey Shore on the air. And so I'm doing just, and just being very Italian and hyping up the stereotype. And my girlfriend at the time was Italian. flipped out about the video and was like, you're making fun of my heritage and my family and just lost it and the next time we saw each other

it got brought up and I threw a pillow at her and uh... Wow, did you hit her in the mole? This one was this one was molest below the tits. Wow. She had mole-free tits. She had a John Boy Walton tit.

Get that big mole. God. So miss, but she, I never forget her face when I got Brad with that. Let's take a moment. And of all the things that we've laughed at so far, John Boy Walton Titt. I'm just like, that is, that sounds like the worst disease

that a doctor could come in, like, you know what, the test came back positive. You have John Boy Malt Tits. But here's a strawberry sucker. Oh, way too soon, guy. That's what we call the... Wow, power jammed. You just power jammed up.

I'll never forget her face, though, when I threw the pillow. Sure. Because we hadn't gotten... Like, that was, you know, that was the closest to... of a violent act that I got in that relationship and probably to this day but that's your idea of beating a woman with a feather filled pillow

well you know I wasn't I knew I wasn't gonna put her off feathers fly everywhere does that scene where they're slowly falling down it back well it was a but the pillow had some girth to it it had some weight I'd filled it with ball and balls but the point is you ever slap a girl with like a pigeon or a robin or a little bird feathers I mean a condor a condo that would do it

I mean, they're in danger. That's not very sensitive. Yeah, well, tracking it down is the first step. Luring it in with its Christopher Reeves shipbox. Oh, what about you, Brad? The weirdest fight I ever had with a girl, and I feel like I'm going to the dwarf jokes too many times, but it does play a part of this.

Yeah, this is real, yeah. This is absolutely real. And I've said this on stage, and people think it's a joke, it's not, it's true. I do have a sexual fantasy that I want to have sex with a woman who's dressed up as Snow White. Oh, really? I want to do that. I want that for you. Yes, this is like my thing.

Like, if I would ever go to the Moonlight Money Ranch, I'd be like, yeah, Snow White, do that. Just like I want to fuck a girl dress as Hitler. Oh, really? Yeah. No. Wow. Would you have to be Heil while you're doing it? How dare you?

How dare you? So, the girl I was dating at the time was Mexican, and she wanted to dress up as Snow White for me, which is a very sweet thing to do. Like, hey, let me do the fantasy for you. Yeah, Mexican Snow White. Yeah, Mexican Snow White. She kind of said to me, she's like, yeah, I'm going to dress up as snow white for you. And my reaction was, you're Mexican. Like, it doesn't work.

I mean, because if she were to dress up as snow white, that would look like one of those, like, pinatas that was hanging in one of those restaurants. But it's not called snow white because of, like, copyright infringement. Yeah, right. So it's demented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a little off. Yeah, it's called, like, precipitation beige instead of snow white.

Right, right. Yeah, so, like, she said, like, yeah, I'll be snow white for him. Like, ah, you're Mexican. It won't really work. And then she got so, like, I'm trying to do what you want to do. And I'm like, okay, Princess Jasmine, maybe that could work. You're broke brown. But, like, you can't, like, her name is snow white.

Like, the whole thing is she has snow colored skin. Yeah. Yeah, that porcelain, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So it just doesn't work. You should be dating an albino. That would be nice. That would have, like, snow blinds.

Yes. Wow. Exactly. So that was the weirdest fight about how she couldn't actually play Snow White. Oh, that's great. But, like, it makes sense because if she had told me, like, I want to have sex with DeKimbe Matumbo, I'm not going to put on an Atlanta Hawks jersey and start waving my finger on going, no, no, no, like, I'm not going to do that. That's not the same thing. Dude, I feel bad for you, though, now because you've backed yourself into a corner. Now you have an Asian girl. Right, right, right. So you're just going to have to put off your Snow White thing. Yeah, she's got to be Chun Lee from Street Fighter.

That's the only thing you can get. You know what? I'm okay with that. Or Connie Chung, the TV reporter. Do you have a Connie Chung fetish? I mean, she is married to Mori Popovich, which I think if it's good enough for Mori, it's good enough for me. Wow. I said nobody ever.

Wow, unreal. Let's switch gears here. That was some good stuff, guys. I really enjoyed it a lot. Good to be here. Whoa, what was that face you just made after you? I saw a fly. Oh, really?

Did you? You look like you were judging the fly? No, no. Okay. If you could have an animal trait, you know, there's so many animals in the world. A lot of beautiful creatures. They can do so many things. If you could have like one trait of any type of animal, I'll go to you first, Brad, because

I went to Adam. What would that be? What kind of like, you know, some animals have stingers and poison and wings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. wings like flight sounds awesome yeah yeah but I I feel like that's to surface okay I'm gonna go deep cuts ooh and go uh the ability for lizards to regenerate if you like chop a limb off and I like fuck you and boom their tail just grows right back yeah they'd say fuck you yeah and yeah I would I would absolutely want that trait kind of wolverineish from like just like swamp thing did that too yeah you just heal

You know what I mean? Like, I would do that. So, yeah, the traits of a lizard. Oh, that's a great one. I didn't see that. That's really cool. Yeah. If you ever got in a weird accident or something got cut off? Right. So if I'm in, like, in that scene from 127 hours, we're going to chop my arm off to escape the canyon. Like, fuck it, don't care. And then the arm just grows right back. I like that. That's a great one, Adam. Now, I have a question, though, follow up. Would the arm be bigger than your current arm? Oh, so like I slowly...

Yes. So you could tell what... parts of me have been chopped off more. Yeah. So, like, I have a Hulk right arm. Yeah. And then the left arm, like, just some, like, weird, like, Chris Elliott's character from scary movie, too.

Oh, yeah, those little hands. Yeah, with, like, little baby arm. Yeah. My child. So it's like, it's like, wow, he's cut off his arm 39 times. Yeah. What if it didn't stop growing? Like, what if you were in Florida and the palm of your hand was in Minnesota?

Like, it just kept growing. So it's like Mr. Fantastic. Yeah. Just like, Fantastic Four just stretches out. The damn arm didn't stop. What about you, wild thing? Well, the, um, no one's called me that since my bar mitzvah party. And that was me.

I yelled it out from the back. I was like, who's that strange man who keeps seeing flies? How dare you? How dare you? William Golding. Uh, I would say porcupine initially because that seems fun to have that type of protection. But I also think people are, you know, that's, that's, that's, people are going to be standoffish, and I want to be approachable to all creatures.

You know, I think that's a good way to live your life. And people are going to see all of the quills, is that? Yeah, quills, yeah. And go, oh, well, that guy, you know, I can't relate to that guy. And that also seems scary. But, you know, if people are coming at you and we live in a scary world, so maybe those quills would come in handy. That being said, I would love to have the strength of a chimpanzee. Oh, really?

Because the way that I've seen them furiously masturbating at zoos. What? Or ripping branches off of trees Yeah Same motion Same motion Or clapping They just seem like they've got

You know hey Do I have a bowflex? Maybe Is it working out? That's not what we're talking about Yeah But would I love a little more Strength in the upper body?

Sure Would I love that strength of a chimpanzee? Definitely I'm curious why didn't you just go to like a silverback gorilla Which are like 50 times stronger than a chimp? That's like the That's too much

That's like the Venice Beach muscle guy. Oh, yeah, I got you. I don't want to be able to like, I don't want a woman to be like, just take it easy. Yeah. You know, when you're about to, you know, make love. Yeah, you don't want your pectoral muscles to have six-pack eggs. I don't want to, yeah, I don't want my, yeah. I just have six-packs everywhere.

I don't want, if I do connect with a pillow, I don't want it to actually do some damage. Yeah, but you want enough strength to throw the, if you grab a mole, you can rip it right off. I got you. That's actually exactly the amount of strength on it. Can you imagine. you pulled her mole off and she just went like a balloon she just like deflated that was the cap you asshole

and as she's disintegrating she goes then I fucked your friends here's a this is a yes or no question I got one for each of you and it's just a yes or no and then we'll move on these are called little quickies which sounds like me having a one night stand

oh hello snow white little quickies now back to the snow white thing Because there were seven Dorffs, would you do your girl seven times in one night? Wait, Dorffs or dwarfs? Dorff, what did I say? Dorff. What do you say?

Dwarf. Yeah, does the W not exist in the Canadian Alpha? Dwarf? Yeah. Dwarf? You said Dorf. So Stephen Dorf is there? What other Dorffs are there?

The whole Dorf family? Dorf on golf. Is it dwarf? Yeah. There's a W in there, baby. Dewarf. Yeah, yeah. Well, now you're saying it weird.

Now you're hitting the W too hard. That sounds like a place I'd go fishing. Down at the dwarf. What's wrong with you guys? What did you learn to speak? Yes or no? Okay. This is for Brad.

Do centipedes cross their legs when they sit down? 50 times. Yes. Yes. That's right. That is right. He's right. Can we give them?

Can you show a little love for your friend? I'll give it up. I'll give it up. Adam, do Starfish's assholes look like starfish? No. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better? sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be

better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. No, they look like Arsenio Hall. Awesome. So they have like a one long finger come out of there?

he does have long he does have very long fingers have you ever heard of a creature called an eye eye it sounds like something that agrees with someone it sounds like a sailor i yeah yeah yeah it's it's like a marsupial that lives in like madagascar and if you ever look at them they've got this really like i'm not even like if this

was their hand their middle fingers about like four inches long and it's really thin and they use it to stick into into nuts and take the meat out of nuts. They're just bizarre-looking creatures, but Arsenio has like eye-eye fingers. Jesus. How do you know about that animal? You've been hanging out with Rogan too much?

Let's say, let's just say, I don't pick my own nose, guys. Wow, got, see, that's what you get when you get that half-baked money. Oh, yeah. You get your own personal nose picker. Oh, my God. I want that. If you had a kid, and I know one day both you guys will, what's the, what's that one father's son or father-daughter? moment that you would love to have like when you think down the road you know my dad never did

this with me or it doesn't even have to be that it could be thanks for bringing that up sorry sorry it could be that for adam it would just be there yeah yeah hey anybody else had their mom buy condoms for them oh my lord i would have loved i would have loved you know i says if my dad was around more maybe he would have maybe i would have had a man tell me hey and if you're going to have a girl over closed the door so that your mom doesn't walk in on you. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was weird. Your mom walked in on you when you're having sex? Yeah, that and first time I'm masturbating. But it wasn't the first time that I was doing that in the womb. But when she walked in? Yeah. What did you do? Get out of here.

Were you just mortified? Didn't stop. I mean, yeah. You didn't stop? No. Oh, sure. Went and warmed up a titty right after that. Oh, my sweet.

No, I, uh, the, mold meat. Moll meat sounds like a Disney villain. It didn't make the cut. Wow. We've got Jafar and Moll meat. Yeah. So, um, I would, I mean. You didn't hear her coming?

There were no door, footsteps. There was no. I was out of a loud masturbator. Wow. I had the Phil Collins, Sousu Studio blasting real loud. Oh, my God. I didn't hear anything over there. There might have been music on.

Might have been some Billy Ocean. Get out of my dreams. Get into my car. I mean, it's a very essential song. I think the moment I would like is... With your kid. Yeah. The playing...

Anything sports-related, because I'm a big sports guy. Oh, really? And I think the playing catch thing would be really cool. Like, Field of Dreams type of moment. You got it, but I wouldn't walk into the corn knobs. Yeah. Yeah. Corn knobs.

Corned knobs. I wouldn't walk into the corn flakes here. Corn knobs. Is that like something like corn nuts, but then they have the knobs, too? They're like, well, we got these knobs. What do with them? Well, let's salt them, fry them, and sell them. the people from North Dakota.

I guess the maker of Cornuts isn't coming on the podcast anytime soon. Well, you never know. Don't tell me how to run my own podcast. Yeah, I want that playing catch and when he figures it out because obviously I wouldn't start playing with him tossing the ball around

at like two, but maybe you have to so that he can actually catch it at five. So what if it's a little girl, though? Like, is it the same thing? You'd want to just play catch with a kid or if it was a girl, would it be something else? Then I get the poll, and I put it right.

the middle of the backyard oh god i'm joking jesus to do to do gymnastics on oh okay no i would no i would yeah i would still play with her too because i think uh yeah i mean i think catch is a universal game yeah and it it uh it's not gender specific yeah cool that's beautiful man bowling though i would not let my daughter bowl why not i just think if you're going to become a professional female bowler you will have a mullet possibly a goate and really giant hands and whether those hands were big from the get-go or they just get bigger from the way you extend your fingers into a giant

ball. Why you got to crush your child's dreams, dude? Do you hear that future Adam Rick? Do you hear that Shrek Jr.? Wow. That the name picked out. You will not be a bowler. You can be anything else. There's not even a Shrek 1, but you're going Shrek Jr. Yeah. You're already dmenting

your own kid. Brad, what's that magic moment for you and your kid? Boy or girl. Boy or girl to have a kid. Like, okay. One of My first memories with my dad was when he taught me how to dance like a white guy. And it was to the song, I saw her standing there by the Beatles. He played that song and started dancing. It's like, this is what you do.

And like he started like moving and stuff. And then I kind of imitated. So yeah, I would want that. I would want that dance moment. Teach your kid how to dance. Yeah. Wow, that's cool. And that's kind of how I got my popularity when I was in.

junior high in high school because all the cool kids were the wallflowers that just like hung up the side of the gym during the dance. He was like, who's stupid? And I was looking at the girls dancing like, well, I want to be next to girls. Yeah, yeah. That's what I want to do. So I went out and started dancing and everyone

started surrounding me and cheering and stuff. So I was like, that was a really cool moment for me. So yeah, dancing with my kid. That's the type of moment you have to videotape too. Because when a little kid starts dancing and they bend their little legs and it's like the cutest thing ever. And it's a lot of like

marionette-type action where the joints aren't moving, they're not flowing so good. But it's amazing to see like my nephew's a year and a half and like he will bounce, even though he has no actual moves yet, which you know is the reason we lost the toddler

dance competition last Sunday and I'm still not over it and I'll say it publicly. Jackson, well, can figure it out, dude. Step ball change, step ball change, raise the roof, robot. Does the fact he was born with no legs have anything to do with it? You know what, Harlan? I don't make excuses for myself or my family.

Too bad he wasn't a lizard. No, but you're right. But you're right. But you're right. Yeah, yeah. I thought maybe we all lost our... It wasn't just you that lost your... It was all three of us at once just went numb.

I jumped off the train. This is our last little question here, and then we're going to wrap it up. But I wanted to ask you guys, because we were talking about girls and dating, the fake boob thing. Like, some guys love it. Some guys, hey, are you guys down with it or no? Have you had any experiences you want to share? Well, for me, it's just like, okay, they kind of, there's that phrase you get what you pay for.

Yeah. Discount, discount breast implants is not. It's like buying coo puffs at the dollar store. Right. Larry's breast implant shop. Yeah, you don't. Like, I had a friend of mine that she was looking to get a boob job, and she literally found, she like, no, this guy will do both of them. First of all, that's a weird thing to say, both of them, like, because some just do one.

Yeah, right, right. So, this guy would do both of them for $800. I'm like, don't go there. Out of his car. Yeah. And it's not even his car. His buddy's letting him borrow a car. It's a van.

It's got nice interior. It's okay. There's room. I was like, don't do that. Pay because I've seen them where someone obviously went to a good doctor. And it's like, wow, these are fantastic. You can't even tell. Yeah, where you're surprised, where they tell you, it's like when you find out that Michelle in Full House was played by two people.

Yeah. Both Olsen twins. You're like, what? These are the, I'm feeling these and they feel like real breasts, but now you're telling me something different. Yeah. And this is. But you guys are okay with the touch, the feel of them? Or are you, some guys are repulsed that you don't like it.

I wouldn't say repulse because it's still a. breast and it's still great yeah but what is it that you're feeling that that feels off to you like what's the sensation on a good chest day my pecs can get pretty toned so i don't want to feel myself yeah yeah yeah does that make sense like that's not what you said earlier when your mother walked him that's what she caught you doing yeah so don't give us that line of bullshit what was it cocoa's at the 99 cent store what did you say cocoa pops they're called chocolate crispy nugget balls at the 99-cent store. Did you like the feel of them?

Do you like the texture or is it too gross? Like I said. They smell different too. They smell, what do they smell like? Syrup. Syrup or a spalding basketball right out of the package. Like when you open tennis balls. That's actually, I like that smell though.

Yeah, I do too. Yeah, it's great. You want to huff later? I got some spaldings in the car. Mom! I need an adult. And a racket. Oh, you're sorry.

At least in a fake boob, you know you're never going to get a mole. This is true. Yeah. I mean, I think, again, I think boobs are great, but I think there is a vast difference. It's, I mean, I don't know. It's almost like, like if, and I think at this stage in the game, too, you can tell a woman with fake breast, it wants to, it's not going to be a surprise for the fellow when you get to that stage, right? Like, they're showcasing, they're proud of them, right? They get them and they want to now show.

Sure. So you can, and I think you can tell more often and not, right? Yeah. When you try to, you know, try to not get caught staring, but you can tell. Sure, that, and some are like so incredibly perky. They're like, okay, they're not supposed to point up. Yeah, right, right. There shouldn't be a compass.

Yeah, yeah. Compass titties. Yeah. But so, and it's, you know, to me, it's almost like, it's a little bit of a letdown. It's like, if you go to Denny's and you order a grand slam. Yeah. And they bring out hash browns with pubs on them. You're like,

no, that's not what I ordered, but I'm still going to eat it. You know what I'm saying? So you've never ordered your hash crowns with pubs. That's all I heard. Wow. Again, when I run for office, I've got two platforms.

What about you? Do you have a favorite? I don't mind them. You know, I'm not opposed to them. It's like, you know, they're big, they're round, they're fun, you know. I don't mind them at all. Unless they don't move at all. I think the ones that just don't even

There's no bounce or jiggle You have to have a little Yeah You have a little Like you have to that moment Where they're running And you go okay Like they're going up and down

Like boobs do Yeah I feel like Welcome back to how Welcome back to the boob You know they go up and down Like boobs do I feel like that would have

Somebody out there heard that And go Oh that's what they do I feel like that would It sounded better If I did it as Morgan Freeman Like you know When they bounce up and down

like boobs do you know boobs just bouncing up and down hard as a rock like God intended them to be unmovable and tasting like basketballs fresh out the package yeah exactly all right that's the best place to leave it Morgan Freeman talking about fresh boobs right out of the package before we go guys please Adam tell us what you're up to where people can see you find you or you're touring about your project? I love that. Well, I have a new show on TBS out called separation anxiety. It's a game show that I co-host with

Eliza Schlesinger. Tuesday nights, 10 p.m. TBS. Set your DVR. It's an hour-long game show. It's edgy. It's fun. It's a new twist. A couple things that are coming into play a shitty internet game show with me for $2,500.

They get separated and somebody actually goes with Eliza on the main stage and finds out that they're actually playing for 250,000. dollars, but the person with me has no idea. They still think they're playing for $2,500, and the person with Eliza picks the categories for the questions that they're going to answer with me. And I have an earpiece

in, and I'm a puppet for Eliza, so I do a lot of silly shit. That's Tuesday nights at 10 on TBS. Stanned up dates, Adam RaytTV.com, a bunch of tour dates coming up. The new Ghostbusters this summer, you can see me in the... Yes, Adam's in the new Ghostbuster movie. That'll be cool. And then Brad and I

are podcast about last night, which you've been a frequent guest on, and always. I always bring the heat. Yeah, about last night. Check it out. Are you on Twitter, too? Oh, Twitter at Adam Ray Comedy, Instagram, Adam Ray 33. Great, man.

Check Adam out. He's hilarious. Find out where he's playing, doing his stand-up shows. Watch his show, please. And, Brad, I know you're doing a lot of great things. Can you fill us in, buddy? Brad Williamscom for all the tour dates. I'm on the road pretty much every weekend, it seems.

Obviously, the podcast. Twitter at Funny Brad. Instagram at Brad Williams' comic. and look for me on Netflix this summer in Christopher Guest's new movie called Mascots. Oh, really? Yeah. He's fantastic. Yeah.

He's the man. Oh, he's, did you get to improv in the movie? I got to, I hope to God, this scene does not get cut. I got to do a scene just me and Fred Willard. Just going back and forth, just going back and forth, improvising. Oh, that's the best. And my new special will be on Showtime in May, I believe. called Daddy Issues.

So, yeah, Brad William's Daddy Issues. And be on the lookout for that. Well, folks, please check out Brad. Follow his comedy schedule at his website. And, guys, what a pleasure. Thank you both for being here. Well, you're the men. And you're, I mean, you talk about, you know,

come seeing me on the road. That is highly because of your generosity and taking me on the road for so long. Oh, love it. Yeah, man. You, love having you. Me and Adam have worked together a ton, and we have a blast.

So much great experience. Yeah, thank you. Well, hopefully we do some more real soon. Yeah, hopefully we go see more Johnny English screenings. This guy ruins the podcast right at the end. Folks, this has been Harlow Williams with Brad Williams and Adam Ray. Check these guys out. What a blast.

Thanks, guys. And until next time, everybody, chicken chalmy, baby. So there you go. What a fun time. time, just shooting the breeze with those great guys. Thanks for listening. And just before we slip out of here, I might have done my chicken chameen a beat too early. But I want to remind you guys of some dates coming up, some stand-up comedy dates.

You don't want to miss. I'm talking about April, the comedy party, which starts April 7, 8th, and 9th. Dubuque. We're in Joliette. We're in Rockford, Illinois. Joliet, Illinois, Dubuque, Iowa. It's April 7, 8, 9. It's me, Tom Green, Polly Shore, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, all under one roof. Beautiful theaters, unbelievable settings. You can't go wrong. Great value for your money for headlining comedians from movies, from television. And we are going to bring it. Trust me. We are going to bring it. We are going to put on a great show for you guys. So if you can't make it, if you're not in the hood and you have friends or relatives that live in that region, please let them know. We don't want anyone to miss out. April 7, 8, 9, the comedy party. And then April 14th to 17, you can catch me in Braya, California, just outside of Los Angeles at the improv. And then April 28th through the weekend, I will be in Edmonton, Alberta at the comic strip, at the West Edmonton Mall, great club. And then May 12th, actually, sorry, May 13 and 14, yours truly will be at Stand Up Live, Gotham, Gotham Live in New York City, unbelievable club.

So please check that out. If you want to write to me, harlandwilms.com is the email address. If you want to call me and leave a phone message, 323-739-43-43-43-30. It's 3-2-3-739-433. And please get our app. Go to your app store and type in the Harland Highway.

You can get the podcast on your telephone. And please join our premium membership. only $20 a year, and that gets you lots of extra bonus features, including my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight, where comedians and celebrities fight it out. They have verbal arguments, and it's a blast. And actually, the next one we're doing is going to be with Brad Williams and Adam Ray. So that's coming up very soon. Those guys get into it big time, and you don't want to miss it.

It's only $20 a year. Get to your premium membership. And well, you're at harlomweems.com. Check out our store. We have all kinds of great t-shirts, books, videos, CDs, digital downloads, all kinds of amazing stuff just for you. Get in there and make your order and we'll send that stuff out to you. So all that out of the way.

Hey, thanks again for being here. And as I said earlier, I'll say it again. And that's all for now. We'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken, chameen, baby, for the second time.