The Harland Highway - 752 - SENIOR FUENTES drops by. CRAZY news story.

Episode Date: March 24, 2016

Harland's gardener, Senior Fuentes drops by the studio for a chat. A crazy reptilian news story. The things you lose when you get old. Oldy moldy!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Doom, do, do, do, boom, boom, boom, there's a place that I remember, and it's the Harland Highway. How can we forget the Harland Highway? We always remember the Harland Highway. Doon, do, do, do. Welcome, everybody. I am Harlan William. Welcome to the podcast.

Today we are going to be talking about all kinds of wild things. We have a crazy news story. Oh, my God. Wait, do you hear this. It involves a large reptile and some illegal drugs. Yikes! Also, I got some disturbing news from one of my sisters. She lost something, something that she can never get back.

Wait till you hear what she lost. Also, one of my pavement pounders calls the show and compares me to Adam Carolla, an interesting comparison. And then I've heard a rumor that my gardener, Senor Fuentes, is coming in today. I never like it when he comes into the studio. He's my gardener. He should be at home turning turnips over in the garden.

He always causes me stress. But hey, that's why we're here to get rid of all our stress, because this is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams?

Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow.

That's strange stuff. All right. All right. Let's kick it off. It's something wacky and wild and weird. Oh, how about this for a crazy news story? Okay?

Here's the headline. Cops find crocodile when they smell pot. Yes, this is in Wisconsin of all places, not really known as crock country. I don't think there's anyone, you know, kayaking through the bayous of Wisconsin looking for crocs

so here's the story investigators answering a call to search a house that smelled of marijuana found pot and a crock when they got inside kind of rhymes oh look at there there's a pot crock um they found a crocodile in the basement of the residence

according to drug unit officers. They were called to search the home when sheriff's deputies' noses were tickled as they looked for a man wanted on a warrant. Six teens, a half pound of marijuana drug paraphernalia, and items indicative of drug sales were found inside the home. And I guess they found a crocodile, too, of, you know, hey man, um, has anyone got any papers?

No? All right. Well, like, has anyone got a bong we could use? Oh, wow. Um, all right. Well, hey, does anyone have a crocodile maybe? Um, I don't know why I need a crocodile, but, you know, maybe we could like put the weed in his mouth and use it as a crock bong. The crocodile native to southern Florida, the Caribbean parts of Mexico,

and the Central American coast of Venezuela are not permitted within the Wisconsin city limits. The reptile was neglected and possibly in poor health investigators, say. They turned the reptile over to Wildlife of Wisconsin, a nonprofit that usually rea-healibated, rehabilitate snowy owls at this time of year. Yeah, I don't think any animal care person or animal wrangler is really prepared or qualified to handle a crocodile. It's almost like that movie Fargo. It's like, okay then, righty. So what you got there then?

Oh, okay, good Oh, okay, yeah, you got You got yourself a crocodile then? Okay, sure, yeah, well, why don't we just put it in here With the snowy owls then? Oh, for sure, yeah Oh, yeah, they'll get along fine I mean, you know, they're snowy owls

And they're crocodiles, I mean, they're all critters Yeah Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ho-ho-ho-oh Oh wait a second where's the owls I don't know but the crock sure looks heavier

the owls must have flown away for sure right I don't know man I can see someone in Wisconsin getting handed an alligator and they're like oh what is this like a movie prop or something I'm not sure what this is and you know you got a

wonder, what the hell the stoners want with a frigging crocodile? Like, stoned people are the last people on the planet that should be handling pets that can actually eat you. Uh, dude, um, this is really killer weed, dude. And also, if I might add, bro, um, is there a reason why I'm halfway down the throat of your, giant lizard, dude, because I'm really starting to get, like, some cramps and, you know, I'm feeling like, I'm feeling a little, like, closed in right now, dude.

It's just bizarre. And then they say the crock was not in good health. Well, you know, you're a freaking crocodile. You're in some stoner's basement with secondhand, like, pot smoke swirling around. this this crocodile was probably like stoned out of his head for most of his life like do what do you guys want to like you know maybe put me in a bathtub or something or you know as much as i like hanging down here and you know playing we and you know watching like movies and videos and stuff like i could really use some moisture like my skin like all this

secondhand smoke is really drying me out. Like if someone would moisturize me or maybe just drop me in a river or a lake or any body of water, it would be really cool, dude. I mean, serious. And oh yeah, I also got the munchies like if one of you can swing by the zoo and like get me a small zebra or, you know, a fucking gazelle or something, man. I mean, I can really fucking use some tasty snacks, dudes. unbelievable so there you go cops find crocodile when they smell pot

no big surprise crazy news story to kick off today's podcast rice rice a rugby the San Francisco your tree

hello hello Arlen just listen to the Adam Carolla episode and I liked it and I was thinking about you guys And I think I originally heard about you by listening to an Adam Carolla podcast.

And the difference between you, too, is that you approach things with love and you bring people together kind of with humor and bring everybody together. And I think Adam kind of separates people. He's very divisive. He's very intelligent and he's funny, but he's kind of mean. He's kind of mean-spirited. and though I think Adam Crowell has a definite voice that a lot of people identify with and he says something that a lot of people don't, he kind of maybe loses some of his listenership because of his tack.

So anyway, that's why I prefer to listen to you and your crazy silliness, and that's why I listen to and download your podcast versus, I only catch Adam if I'm in the right food. So anyway, keep doing what you're doing, buddy. Chicken chal me. Well, well, well, well, well, thank you for the phone call. Thank you for the kind words. And, yeah, Adam's a buddy of mine.

Adam's been really good to me. He's had me on his show a lot. And I bet a lot of people have heard of me through his show. But I don't disagree with you. Adam, Adam takes more of an attack approach. to things in life, he kind of, you know, I don't know if I want to say, find the negative, but he, maybe it's like you suggested. Maybe he's a little angrier in his, in his approach to topics and people and things like that, which, you know, if that's just the way he's wired, that's the way

he's wired. And, you know, whatever his approach is, it resonates. People, I mean, the amount of listeners Adam gets compared to what I get is like probably in the hundreds of thousands. I mean, Adam's one of the top podcasts in the system. But then again, Adam also dedicates every day. And, you know, he has a, I mean, Adams, for those of you that don't know Adams set up, I have a, I have a little podcast that I do everything on my own. I put in the music and the sound effects, and I do all the editing and the titles, and I posted, I compress it. I do everything. From top to bottom, I do everything on my podcast.

Adam, God bless him, as the luxury of a staff. Adam's got a studio. He's got a little warehouse where he's got a whole studio set up. He's got like five microphones. He's got cameras. He's got, when he does a podcast. He's literally got four, four to five people live on the air with him, pushing buttons and taking calls and, you know, moving dials.

And, I mean, man, oh, man, his, you know, he's like a giant, like a carnival cruise ship. And I'm like a rubber dingy following behind. so Adam I'm very impressed with Adam because he really has this great he has this great setup he has he has this great team of professional people I mean he really commits to this podcast and he does a great job but that's not to say you were talking more about his attitude and yeah his attitude is a little more aggressive and angry and mine's more like I try to be more positive and find the light in things, even though sometimes I rant a little. Adam tends to gravitate more towards the dark.

But that's the beauty of this. That's the beauty of Adam. That's the beauty of what I do is you get the yin and the yang and you get to decide what you like. And, you know, Adam sometimes drifts into the light and I sometimes drift into the darkness. And it's the great thing about the point. podcast forum because it's just wide open. You don't have to answer to you don't have to answer to any producers.

You don't have to answer to any corporate executives. It's really a very free-form type of medium. And, you know, there's days when I'll talk about something really dark like murder or terrorism and then the next day I'm reading a poem about love. but I do tend to lean towards, you know, life's too short for anger in my mind and, you know, hatred and stuff like that. So I always try to gravitate towards positivity and light and encouragement. And I'm not saying that Adam gravitates, you know, completely towards hate or anything like that. But I think Adam just has like an anger chip in them that, that drive.

his machine and it works for him and it's probably an important voice in the world that needs to be heard and he definitely has a bit of the market cornered with his voice but i've talked to adam about this and i remember uh about a year and a half ago i guess he did an animated pilot for a network and he was gracious enough to show me the pilot because uh my background's in animation so i know a lot about the animated world and i have my new show coming coming up on Disney, my animated show. So Adam showed me the pilot, and my note to him, I said, I said, Adam, it's a cartoon, but you come across is really angry.

And I kind of echoed what you said. And I said, you know, it's a little bit tough to watch because you're so angry in it, you know. It's like, angry can be funny, but sometimes angry just sounds like angry, and it's not funny anymore, which isn't to say Adam isn't funny when he's angry because he is but I think when it came to watching it in a cartoon version it somehow

I don't know it didn't translate as well and so I don't think the cartoon ever got picked up maybe one day it will but but I think Adam knows and I you know I've certainly said that to him before and you just got to go hey that's the way the boy is wired um so yeah

I appreciate your comments. You know, I would encourage you to, you know, just listen to what you want to listen to. If you enjoy what I do, that's great. If you enjoy what Adam does, that's great. Or if, you know, maybe a little dose of both of us, we balance each other out. I think that's why it's fun when I go on Adam's show or Adam comes on my show is, you know, it's kind of like these two kind of energy forces budding heads. It's like I'm kind of more light and silly and goofy, as you mentioned, and Adam's more kind of, I'm going to attack you and you're an idiot and I'm going to, you know, and I think it makes for some really fun listening.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget.

After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. So, as I said, Adam's a buddy, and I love what Adam does, and I appreciate that you like what I do. Thank you for your kind phone call. And I'll end with this. Listen to both of us, if you so desire. I'm really riding the fence on this one, but it's because Adam's my buddy.

And I don't feel like you attacked Adam in any way. I think you're just being very honest, and that's fine. And if anyone can handle honesty, it's Adam. My God. So there you go. Thank you for your feedback. And let's move on, baby. Oh, no.

No. No. Oh, God. What is he doing here? Roger. What is he doing here? I can't believe it. Why is...

What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? Hello, senor. I'm your gardener. I know you're my gardener. And did you see a gardener, a garden anywhere in my studio? No, senor, would you like one? No. What are you doing at my studio? You're supposed to be at home gardening. I came to tell you something, senor. Okay, you couldn't wait till I got home? No, senor, it was very important. What is it, Senior? This is my gardener... Roger?

I told you not to let my gardener Senor Fuentes into my studio. That's Senor Fuentes. That's what I said. No, senor, you said it shortly, but it's actually spelled longly. You said Fuentes, but actually it's Senor Fuentes. What do you want, Senor Fuentes?

Puente! Stop it! What are you doing here? Well, senor, I came here to tell you that I got date-raked. Sorry? I did like you told me, and I got the date-rake. You got date-raped? No, senor, date-rake. What are you saying?

Date-rape? No, senor, you told me to go out and get the date-raped. date rake. I did not tell you to go out and get date raped. No, senor, you're not hearing me properly. You told me, because the dates were ripe up in the tree. Okay, the dates in my date tree. See, senor. And? And the dates were falling on the ground because they are ripe, senor. What's that got to do with date rapes? No, senor, you told me to go and get the date rake from the Home Depot. The date rake? See, senor, so I can rake up the dates.

Okay, so you got the date rake? Oh, I got the date rake, all right, signor. When I went in the underground garage, I had the date rake with me in the underground garage at the Home Depot. Okay. Well, I just thought you want to know that in the underground garage, I got the date rake. You know, you're making it sound like

I was date-raked? You weren't date-raked. I'm just telling you, Signor, in the underground garage, I was all by myself, I was walking to my pickup truck. All of a sudden, there I am, with a date-rake. So you're in the underground garage with a date-rake, so?

Well, I'm just saying, you know, there are cameras down there. So, who cares of it? someone sees you walking through the underground garage with a date rake. I don't know, senor, that's what I'm asking you, senor. It's fine. You're allowed to walk through the underground garage with a date rake. Okay, but then I got it into the back of my truck. What in the back of your truck?

The date rake. You, what do you say? You put the rake in the back of your pickup truck? See, senor, I got in the back so I could, it was very, long and I had to make it fit so I got in the back of my truck now I'm in the back of my truck with a date rake you're getting the date rake in the back of your truck see senor I got the date rake real good in the back of my truck so you're in the underground garage with the date rake with the date rake and then all of a sudden I'm uncomfortable in the back of my truck my hands are pressed

against the window my face is pushed down in the cushion on the seat because I'm having a real hard time with the date rake in the back seat of my truck, Signor. So you got the date rake in the underground garage and then in the back seat of your truck. I got the date rake. You got the date rake. What are you saying, senor? I'm saying date rake.

I thought you said something else. Well, you're giving me, you're getting me tongue-tied, Fuentes. Sorry, signor. It's Signor, it's Signor, Fuentes. Yes, I know. So what happened when you left the underground garage? With the date rake? Yes, with the date rake.

Well, of course, I took it back to your house immediately, senor. Okay. Well, that's why I'm here, senor. Why are you here? Well, I took the rake into the tool shed and accidentally the door slammed behind me, so now I'm in the tool shed in the dark with the date rake. So now, so you're in the, now you're in the, now you, now I'm in the tool shed with a date rake, seigneur. You're in the tool shed with a date rake and it's very scary.

I can't see. I can feel the rake's claws all over my skin down my back, even on my face. Do you see these red scratches, senor? These red scratches from the rake, these are date rake scratches right down my face. and my underpants got ripped and right down my back, it's like the claws of the rake. I got date-raked claw marks. Stop it!

Jesus, Signor, Fet. You're making it sound like... Like what, senor? You're making it sound like you got date raped in an underground garage, in the backseat of your truck, and in a dark tool shed. Well, it is what it is, Senor.

I mean, you did ask me to go and get the date. break all right are we done well seor unfortunately it doesn't end there oh really yes signor on the way over my bleeding couldn't stop that my back the rake the welts on my back on my face I had to stop at the motel 6 and wash off in the bathroom you stopped at a motel 6 to wash off the date rake scars the date rake scars And I didn't want to leave the date-rake out in the truck, Signor, in case somebody stole it. So? Well, senor, I brought the date-rake into the motel 6.

Oh, no, here we go, Fuentes. I know, senor, I was washing my face to get the date-rache blood off my face, and I got soap in my eyes. Okay. So I'm turning around, I can't see. I'm blindly stumbling through the room. I trip over the bed and land right on the date rake in the bed. I'm getting date raked all over the motel sick sheets. All right, enough.

Get out of here. I'm telling you, sir, I was, I was, senor, I was date raped in motel sick. You weren't date raked and get out. I was just wondering if maybe you could give me some counseling. I feel so confused and alone and scared, senor. You're not confused and alone from a rake. Get out of my studio I've got things to do

Well if you don't think maybe I need a little Emotional tenderness right now Signor after being date Raked in an underground garage in the back of my truck in a dark tool shed And in the dirty, crunchy sheets Of a Motel 6 Then maybe nothing

Get out You're making this whole thing sound like something it's not But I have the rate down in the car right now. Maybe I could go down to the boiler room and get out of here. Is there a janitor's closet where we could be alone? Get out! Idiot! A date rake! God! All I wanted, I planted a date tree in my art, okay? I love dates. They're delicious. And this time of year they get ripe, they fall off. I told my gardener, Mr. Fuentes, signor,

To go to Home Depot and they have a special rake, they're collect because the dates get all muddy and ripe, and so I told him to get the date rape, rake. And this guy can't even get a rake home without getting into all kinds of trouble. I mean, it's unbelievable. I forgot to tell you, Signor, I got a backup date rape just in case the first date rape broke.

And both of them fell on top of me. It was like a group date rake. Get out! What a dumbass. Date rake. My apologies to everyone listening. Roger, can you not let my gardener... Who lets their gardener come to their work, their place of work?

Can you not... If you see them in the hall from now on, can you not let them in? I'd rather not spend 10 minutes in my show talking about date rakes Anyways, let's shift gears I want to tell you about something funny That happened to me the other day I phoned my older sister

And, you know, when you start a converse year I was like, hey, how you doing? What's going on? What's the latest? And so I said to her, I said, hey, what's going on? What's the latest? She goes, well, I went to see the doctor doctor and I shrunk an inch. And I'm like, what? She goes, yeah, I went to see the doctor and

I'm an inch shorter. I'm like, I just started laughing. I was like, what the hell are you talking about? She goes, it's what happens when you get older. You lose height. And I realize she was right. I'm like, that's true. As you get older, you kind of start to shrink a little. And so I had to make a joke. I said, oh, you lost an inch. Well, I, you know, I told you not to play in the dryer. And she laughed a little. I don't know how amuse she was.

I mean, you know, how hard does one laugh when one has lost an inch of what they once were? Can you imagine losing an inch of your body? It's one thing to lose it when you lose weight. You know, when you, let's say you're 130 pounds and you go down 120 pounds, you don't lose any height. But imagine losing an inch of height. And it's not like you were crushed under a rock or you got squished by a dump truck. It's like you're being penalized for getting old. Well, you're over a certain age limit.

We're going to have to shorten you just a little bit, just to keep you in line. We're going to have to cut you down to size a little. You've heard the old saying. Yeah, I've heard it, but I didn't think you'd really do it. There, you just lost another inch, right there, smart, Alec. No, I was just commenting on what you said. There's another inch. You're down three inches.

You got anything else to say, tough guy? No, sir. I mean, it's kind of a weird thing to hear. Losing an inch, and then on the, you know, always the yin and the yang. I was talking to some people today, and it came up that there was a guy, some guy that was up in the space station for a year.

And he came back to Earth just like a few days ago or a week ago. And he's in a wheelchair because when you're in space, this guy gained two inches. And so he's got to be in a wheelchair until his like body. body reacclamates or squishes down again. So this guy comes back with two inches. My sister lost an inch. Hey, dude, you've got two.

Why don't you give one to my sister, man? Let her feel whole again. The poor little midget. I mean, the poor little, my poor little sister, well, she's my older sister, my poor older sister. Poor little angel. Lost an inch I mean how's she supposed to feel

Goes to the fairground And she can't get on the roller coaster Because she's not this high I mean Can she still wear the same clothes You know this blouse Used to fit really nice But now it's a little baggy

It's almost as if I I lost an inch I don't know. It's weird, man. I don't want to lose an inch. It took me my whole life to get to where I am. I'm like 6-2. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be 6-1. Ew. What's it like to be 6-1? What kind of loser altitude is that? I'm 6-2, baby. I don't want to be seen with a 6-1er. get my ass up into space and become a six-fiver, man.

So I thought that was pretty, pretty interesting and funny. I hope you guys don't lose an inch. I hope my sister gets her inch back. Maybe that's what I'll get her for Christmas. I'll just buy her an inch somewhere. There's got to be money buys anything, right? Money can buy you anything you want in this life. I'm going to buy an inch somehow, some way.

Or maybe she just needs to, you know, buy an iron maiden or go to a torture chamber and get stretched. Poor little midget, my poor sister. God. So there you go. Funny, funny story. And I think I'll leave it right there because, you know, can I get any notes?

nuttier than that. Yikes. You've got to love those little Star Trek sounds. So let's get into a few announcements before we close the door on the old Harland Highway here. I got to stress to you guys, the comedy party, okay?

Okay, Hoosers, it's the comedy party. And it's coming your way real. soon. Okay, we're talking like two and a half weeks, April 7, 8, and 9. And if you're in the neighborhood or you have friends that are in the neighborhood, please let them know. It's April 7, 8, and 9. It's a comedy party. It's a tour I'm doing with three other great comedians, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, Pineapple, Express. Herald and Kumar go to White Castle. He's so funny. Little Korean guy, just hilarious,

often gets naked during his shows. Tom Green from MTV and Road Trip and Freddie got fingered. Polly Shore from Encino Man and son-in-law on MTV. And then you got me. That's four headlining comedians, all in one beautiful theater night after night. We start the comedy party at the Rialto Square Theater in Joliet, Illinois, April 7th. The next night we're at the Coronado Arts Center in Rockford, Illinois. That's April 8th. And then we end the comedy party on the following night at Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa, April 9th. please please you got to come out to this gorgeous theaters gorgeous settings four headlining comedians

we're all coming out one after the other and just ripping the room apart with our stand-up comedy and it is going to be phenomenal and we're going to have a blast all four of us guys are friends and we're just going to have a good time we are going to make you guys laugh Chances are you're going to love all four of us. And even if you love two of us, even if you love one of us, it's still worth the money. But I think you're going to love all four of us. And it's really a great, great night of stand-up comedy. It's rare to see this caliber of stand-up comedy all under one roof.

So get your tickets. Go to Harland-Williams.com. Click on the comedy party on my stand-up. up tour link. It's April 7, 8, and 9, and please, if you're not in that area and you have friends or family that live near Joliet, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, Dubuque, Iowa, even Chicago. We're only an hour outside of Chicago. Let your friends know about the comedy party, okay? It's going to be great. Also, the following weekend, I'm in Brea, California, which is just outside of Los Angeles.

April 14th through the 17th, Braia, California, at the Brea Improv. And then over into May, May 13 and 14th, you can catch me at Gotham City Comedy, Gotham Live in New York and Manhattan. That's May 13 and 14, Friday and Saturday. Just go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on the stand-up tour link

and you can get your tickets right through there. Haven't been to New York for about a year. Looking forward to going back there. What a great town. And while you're at the website, please check out our store. We have all kinds of great merchandise, t-shirts, books, digital downloads, movies, paintings, all kinds of great stuff. And if you want to write to me, you can shoot me an email. at harland williams.com or if you want to call me and leave a voicemail 323739 43330 that's 323739 43330

also get on your app store and download the harland highway app for your cell phone you can listen to the podcast wherever you go just plug in your headphones and you got it's a great app there's all kinds of cool features on it you can fast forward you can fast rewind And don't forget for $20 a year, you can subscribe to our premium membership where you will get all kinds of bonus material from yours, truly, including recordings of my live stand-up, interviews with some of the characters you hear. And of most note, my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight, and the only place you can hear it is if you're a premium member. and it's a great podcast. We get comedians having verbal arguments with each other, three rounds, and it is really fun to listen to.

So $20 a year is all it costs, and you get a whole second podcast from yours truly. Please check it out, and thank you in advance if you do buy the premium membership. It's a great deal for $20. So that's it, gang. I certainly hope you had a great time today. We are here to put a smile on your face and an onion bun in your heart. So we'll leave it right there.

And until next time, chicken. Chalmaine, baby. I'm the creature from all of space. I got a mean an ugly face.