The Harland Highway - 755 - CAMPFIRE TIMMY visits the show. Harland goes PEE!

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

After an emotional call from a Pavement Pounder, Campfire Timmy comes to the show and sings. Harland has a strange and twisted story about his pee. Holy she hee! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. What a show we have today. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know what that part was, but I felt I needed to do an insect noise. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. This is the Harland Highway podcast. Greatly appreciate your attendance here today. Interesting show today. My goodness. Very odd. I'm starting the show with a very delicate topic. I'm almost hesitant to talk about it, but it revolves around me urinating. Yes, it's a long, twisted, strange tale of me and my urinating. So get ready for that. Maybe not for the most sensitive of ears, but it's a story that has to be told. It involves murder. How often you get murder and pee together. Okay? And then we switch. Gears get an amazing phone call from one of the pavement pounders, a very sensitive, touching, wonderful phone call that by accident, or I should say by default, leads to Camp Fire Timmy having to come into the studio and sing his campfire songs, which I absolutely hate. So talk about the yin and the yang here today on the Harland Highway.

Put your seatbelt on, your helmet, your diaper, because here we go. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams.

You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. All right, who wants to hear a, and this is an odd way, maybe uncomfortable way to start the podcast. Who wants to hear a piss story? Yeesh. Everything just got real quiet. Yeesh. Yeah, you heard me. I said a piss story. But like, is that even a thing?

Gather around, children. It's time for a piss story. Yay! Yay! Quiet now, children. Well, Grandpa tells a piss story. Well, this is a piss story, and I don't know how to pull. put it any more delicately, my friends, ladies, and snargle dargans, pavement pounders, and ears, ears that are listening to the show. It's very awkward for me to tell this, but I feel like it's got to be told. We all wake up in the morning, and one of our first orders of business is to urinate,

or the more trailered trash way to say it, take a piss. Oh, Kai, I'm going to take a piss, and there's millions of ways to say it. Yeah, I'm going to do a tinkle. Oh, I'm going to take a piss. I'm going to drop some lemon. You know, there's a million ways to say it. So, uh, like you, you know, this isn't just me, gang. Like you, my fellow human beings, I got up and sometimes I get up.

I mean, we all get up to, and we get up and we take. a tinkle there is that is that is that more respectful um so i got up i get up to take a tinkle and on several occasions i i meander into the bathroom and i stand over the toileto and i pull out the junko this is getting real awkward man this is way too personal but i feel like i got to share because I feel guilty. I pull out the junko and I'm just about ready to, you know,

release the crack and take a pee. There's another term for it. Take a pee, will you? You know what, Davidson? You're a little rowdy today. Just take a pee. And I look down into the toilet bowl and, you know,

you're just expecting this nice clear, crystal clear water, you know, that's just awaiting your yellowy water. And on several occasions, and this has happened over decades, I don't know if it's because of where I live or, you know, you people have it, but I think every home has its share of household pests, right? Spiders and flies and bed bugs and dust mites and, you know, all the little things that crawl around in our houses that we kind of put up with. And there's this one critter that, you know, I've only really seen it here in California. It's called a silverfish.

I don't know if you want to look it up on Google, but it's creepy looking. It's about the length of like your big toenail. And it's a creepy-looking critter. It almost looks like some kind of prehistoric crab or something. And I thought, but before I talk about it, I better, you know, I better look it up so I can describe it to you. But before I do, the silverfish, every now and then, I'll go to the toilet to take a tinkle, and I'll look down and there'll be a silverfish in the toilet bowl, either on the rim, like, you know, on the rim, not in the water, but on the rim,

like almost like it's on a porcelain beach, sunning itself next to toilet water, or it'll actually be floating on top of the toilet water, because they're insects and they're light, so it floats. So here I am, I pull out the old junko. I'm ready to, like, empty my... myself, and I look down and there's a living creature, one of God's creatures. God, if you believe in God and God created all creatures, one of God's masterworks, because every living creature is a masterwork, everything serves its purpose, everything has

all its moving parts and pieces, and it's a miracle. If you expand your brain into the vast cosmos of space, the endless billions of mind, of galaxies out there, and the closest they've come is maybe finding a microscopic microbe and a Mars rock, you have to appreciate that even an ant or a dust mite is a masterwork of evolution, is a masterwork of life. And so even this, shall I dare say, lowly silverfish, is an incredible creature with legs and arms and eyes and obviously some kind of a brain and the ability to make decisions and I mean, good Lord, if this was the only creature living in 50 trillion miles

worth of galaxies, it would be the supreme creature. It was the only living creature on planet earth. It would be an evolutionary windfall. It would be unbelievable. But because we live on a planet with millions of species, it kind of gets lost, insects, and lower creatures seem to, their genius seems to get buried under, you know, the bigger, bolder, brashier creatures on the planet. So let me tell you about the silverfish. I looked it up on Wikipedia, and if you want to look at pictures of it,

go on Google or wherever you go, A silver fish is a small wingless insect And it's common name derives from the animal's silvery light gray and blue color Combined with the fish-like appearance of its movements Its diet consists of carbohydrates such as sugar or starches Maybe that's why they live in my house. I'm like, all I eat is candy. Silverfish are nocturnal insects, typically 13 to 25 millimeters,

which doesn't help most to you because that's metric. Their abdomens taper at the end, giving them a fish-like appearance. The newly hatched are whitish, but develop a grayish and metallic sharp. as they get older. They have three long circhi at the tips of their abdomens. They look like antennae, one off the end of their body, one facing left and one facing right. They also have two small compound eyes,

despite other members of this family being completely eyeless. Like other species, silverfish are completely wingless. They have long antennae and move in a wiggling motion that resembles the movement of a fish. This coupled with their appearance on silvery scales influences their common name. Silverfish typically lived for two to eight years. Good Lord. I mean, you know, you don't think of the insects in your house having that long of a lifespan.

Eight years? I mean, some dogs only live eight years. Silverfish are agile runners and can outrun most of their predators, including spiders and centipedes. However, such running is only possible on horizontal surfaces as they lack any additional appendages and therefore are not fast enough to climb walls at the same speed. They also avoid light.

Ooh, they come out at night. Yikes. All, let me just tell you what they eat. And then after that, I'll get to my pith story. Silverfish consume matter that contains polysaturide, such as starches and dextrin in adhesives. They eat adhesives. They're glue eaters. You got to ask the question, how do you poop out glue?

I mean, you're eating something that sticks to stuff. You eat glue, it's probably going to stay inside you. Talk about constipation. The adhesives include book bindings, carpet, clothing, coffee, dandruff, glue, hair, some paints, paper, photos, plaster, and sugar. Good Lord, maybe these things are good to have. I mean, most of us, you know, we drop dandruff and skin flakes and hair all over the floor. Some of them eat cotton, dead insects, linen silk, or even their... own. During a famine, really, a silverfish goes through a famine? Oh, oh my God, we're all out of hair

and dandruff. Hurry, eat the babies. What was I going to say here? During a famine, they may even attack synthetic fabrics. Listen to this. Silver, Superfish can live for a year or more without eating. Good Lord. How is that? I don't know how... See, that's what I mean. Everything created on Earth is like a freaking miracle, man.

Yeah, I'm not really feeling hungry today. I think I'll, uh, you know, I don't know, maybe, uh, a year from now. You want to grab lunch, Eddie? Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's, uh, let's call it a year. I'll meet you over at the, uh, sink. We'll get some hair and dandruff. Yeah, that sounds good.

See you in a year, man. Pretty bizarre. All right, I'll end with this here just to set up this whole piss story. Silverfish are considered household pests due to their consumption and destruction of property. However, although they are responsible for the contamination of food and other types of damage, they do not transmit any diseases. All right. you go. I'm going to leave it there. That's the backstory on the silverfish. Now, here's what

happens. I show up to go to a tinkle. I look down and there's, over the years, there's been silverfish floating on the toilet water. And it's the first thing in the morning, and we're all kind of repulsed by insects. These things kind of look like they're from the cockroach family. And so what do I do? I take one of God's living miracles and like some kind of backwards

redneck ass munch I piss all over the damn thing. Oh yeah, I just I just let it flow. If it's sitting on the porcelain shoreline

beside the toilet water beach, I blast it off. I aim my penis fire hose and blast it off the rim into the water. Things starts wiggling around like crazy. And then I just, boom, I go right in on its head. Boom, and my powerful stream of manly urine and just pummeling this little miracle of God. Suddenly this thing's tumbling under water and a yellowy, acidic lemonade bag. And it's twirling and fighting for its life.

And I'm standing there half asleep with crust in my eyes. My hair's all crooked. My eyes all puffy. And I'm like, man, I just woke up and I'm murdering something. I mean, how mean is that? This is where the guilt comes in. I just woke up into the world in my first order. of business is to piss all over one of God's creations, to murder it, and not even kill it

in a dignified way. I could have stepped on it. I could have sprayed bug spray. I could have flushed it. Oh, no, no, no. The marksman in me, the video game guy in me decides, well, look at this. I got a target first thing in the morning. I'll do the most dignified thing one could ever do. I'm going to piss this thing to death. And I'm just like letting it rip and who knows the horrors that this

thing's going through. It was just sitting there sunbathing on the porcelain coast. It was floating. You ever float on an air mattress and a swimming pool? It was just floating around. Nice calm toilet water. Crystal clear. And suddenly

it's in a frothy bubbly, yellow, acidic, you know, warm. You know how warm urine can be. Imagine how warm it is to an insect that's probably scalding. Suddenly it's frothy. Suddenly it's in a whitewater challenge. It's going down the Colorado River. Going down Piss River without a dinghy.

It's just tumbling and bobbing and resurfacing, trying to take a gasp of air and its little silverfish lungs. Oh, is there a lifeguard on the toilet rim? Oh! And then alas, it's just too much. I don't want to sound manly, but my powerful piss stream is just no match for one of God's little creatures. and slowly, sadly, the silverfish gives up the urine fight, succumbs to my acidy yellow lemonade,

and slowly starts to sink and spins around in the aftermath of my piss. Oh And there's my piss story And do you see why I feel guilty But yet It's one of these repulsive creatures That you're not sure What are you gonna do?

Reaching oh look at the little silverfish Let me reach my hand into the dirty toilet water And scoop it out and put him free on the floor So that when I'm asleep Because he's nocturnal He can crawl all over my face And lay eggs in my eyebrows I mean, what are you going to do?

If you saw a cockroach in your toilet, would you save it? And here's where I'm guilty, because I've told you guys before that I, you know, I'll be on my way to work and see an ant or a bumblebee or a hornet in my swimming pool buzzing around, trying to get to the wall, trying to not drown. And I'll actually take time out of my day to save. I'll reach in and scoop these critters out of the swim.

swimming pool, but yet I don't save the lowly silverfish. You know, I don't stand at the edge of my pool and piss all over a bumblebee. Die, you little honeymaker. Oh. So I feel like a bit of a hypocrite, and I'm guilty, and I feel like I'm murdering. I feel like all life is precious, but I guess I have an off-limits rule. When it comes to critters in the house, that's different. Okay?

In the house is different. You've invaded my living space. I have to sleep. I have to eat. I don't want you crawling on me. I don't want you crawling on my food. You shouldn't be here. You're going to die by piss.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So all I can say is, you know, I'm sorry, Silverfish community. I don't know why you would crawl into my toilet in the first place. I don't know how you crawl into a toilet, but somehow you manage. too. I'm sorry that I do it and I feel even more bad when I see, when I flush you and I see

you swirling around and I know that you're going to some sewage treatment plant somewhere where it's even going to get nastier. It's not a good way to die. So here's my tip for any silverfish listening to my podcast today. Just stay out of the toilet. Okay? Crawl around the rest of the of the house, do it at night when I'm asleep, live your eight years, outlive many dogs, and I will do my best to leave you alone. But just stay out of the toilet. Okay? There you go. There's my piss story. I hope you enjoyed it, boys and girls. Now roll out your sleeping bags and go to sleep. I'm the creature from all the space. I got a meat and ugly face.

All right, all right. Speaking of camping and unrolling your sleeping bag and whatnot, I want you to listen to this phone call I got from one of the pavement pounders very moving very powerful kind of astonished me and and reminded me of of how the world works in such weird and unusual ways and what an unexpected connection uh something that i do on the podcast here created out in this crazy giant world of ours have a listen hey harland it's Abbott in South Carolina, and I just wanted to point out something to you, but mainly just wanted to thank you.

I have a son on the autism spectrum, and he loves Campfire Timmy, and he loves the campfire songs he sings, and he actually, I heard him singing one of them the other day. I didn't think that he was actually paying attention to me streaming the podcast to my car, but he was in his car seeing the backseat, singing some of the songs, and I thought it was hilarious and it blew my mind but what i really wanted to say was that um your your podcast helps me connect to my son uh where he can't um uh vocally express himself uh fully at least he's able to express himself um you know through one of your characters and we have that connection and i and i wanted to thank you for that so um chicken chame oh wow abbott abbott thank you for uh that's an

incredible phone message, it literally moved me to hear that. And it made me think, my goodness, there are small, weird miracles in this world. The idea that that moron, Camp Fire, Timmy, has a positive effect on anybody, including your wonderful, precious son who is dealing with autism. It just blows my mind. I'm glad that through all his annoying, annoying visits to my studio, it's benefiting someone somehow. And that just blows my mind that he loves the songs

and that it helps you and he connect together. And first of all, thank you for such a wonderful call. Thank you for sharing that. I'm so happy that Camp Fire Timmy is bringing you closer together with your son. That's the upside. I love that. That's beautiful. The downside is my boss upstairs, Mr. Featherstone, heard your phone call.

And he's demanding that because of it, I bring Campfire Timmy in today. And as I look over sitting here beside me, He's here, and I've got to endure another round with this freckle-faced freak. Hey, watch it. Don't tell me to watch it, kid. I heard what that nice man said, and you better be good because my dad upstairs, he said I need to be here. I know he said you need to be here, and I know you did something good for the

the young boy. And I do good for the whole world because I sing campfire songs. I don't even know if what you do I would call singing. Why don't you watch your mouth, gobble gook? Don't. Okay. You know what? See, here's where you go off the tracks. You are a kid and you start calling me names. I'm an adult, okay? Yeah, well, if you're an adult, I'd rather suck a turtle fart. What? Kid! Stop it with the insults. I haven't even started yet. Listerine teeth?

Don't call me Listerine teeth. I wish someone could because your breath smells like the ass end of a cabbage truck. Kid? Are you going to let me sing for the little boy or not? Yes, I don't have much of a choice. I got Mr. Featherstone upstairs. who says, I have to. Believe it or not, as much as you're, if you want to call it singing, agonizes me,

I'm willing to suffer through it for that little boy who loves you. Yeah, I bet you've loved a little boy. Stop it. What are you saying? Oh, what part of this math equation don't you get? You plus little boy and... Stop it! Cut it out.

How's your buddy Jared? Knock it off, kid. I'll kick you out of here. You better not, because I'm going to sing for the little autistic boy. Well, hurry up, and do it nice because he's probably listening right now. Of course he's listening, because I'm here. You're the one that they turn off. Garbage Baghead?

Stop calling me Garbage Baghead. Okay, how about dirty mop ass? I'm not a dirty mop ass. Sing your stupid songs, your campfire songs. All right. You don't have to yell at me with your tangerine dream garbage truck breath. Hurry up! Ah, suck a grilled cheese sandwich through your eyes.

Kid, what is your first song? It's a campfire song. We know it's a campfire song. What's it about, dummy? It's about baby animals in the woods. Okay, and? Okay, and what? So sing it.

Sing your... Sing your asshole. Stop it. Sing your song. Sing your asshole. Kid? I'm gonna throw you out of here. Okay, let me sit.

Oh, baby animals in the woods, baby animals cry. Baby animals cry. Oh, baby animals in the woods. Baby animals cry. Kid! Shut up, I'm not finished. Oh, baby animals in the wards. And animals cry.

Ah, Ken, knock it off. Shut up, you wrecked the end of my song. That's not how baby animals cry. Sounded like someone shot the damn thing. I'd like to shoot you with a butter cannon. There's no such thing as a butter cannon. I'll bet there isn't. Jared's house

Stop talking about Jared Do you have another song? Maybe We'll do you or don't you Of course I do I always do three We'll do your second one so we can be done with you I'd like to roll you over in a cement mixer

And pour concrete on your head Fat Face McSallad Face Stop calling me Fat Face What's your second son? song about. What do you think it's about? It's about camping in a tent. What about camping in a tent? Sometimes people fart in tents. Come on, kid. You're not going to do a farting in the tent song. You better believe it. Esophagus face. Hurry up and do it. I am. Hurry up.

Stop looking at me. Shut up and do your song. Oh, everyone's in the tent, everyone's in the tent, everyone likes to vent, cause everyone's in the tent. What was that sound? What was that sound? Billy did a fart in his sleeping bag, oh, Billy did a fart in his sleeping bag, Billy did a fart in his sleeping bag. Oh, the tents are full of gas The tents are full of gas The tent smells like Billy's ass

The tent smells like Billy's ass All right, stop it That is not a campfire song It is so I go to camp And that's what Billy did The tent's full of gas It smells like Billy's ass Would you like to know? Why don't you

invite Jared over and have a snort. Kid? Boy, oh boy. It's amazing anyone likes you, including that darling autistic boy. He's my friend. Why don't you go suck on the side of a dairy queen? Why don't I go suck on the side of a dairy queen? Yeah, put your big fat gopher lips on a dairy queen and suck a hole in

the side do what's your last song idiot shut your clam trap what is your last song it's a good one oh okay gee there's something new up yours garlic bread willie stop calling me garlic bread willie are you gonna let me do my last song or what what is it relax it's called i can't feel my face What do you mean you can't feel your face? That's the name of my campfire song. You got a campfire song that called I Can't Feel My Face. That's right. I wrote it myself. You wrote a song called I Can't Feel My Face.

Yeah, you ever gone camping, Timble Dump? Stop calling me names. Just get to it. This is your last song. And then you're out of here. Good, why don't you come out of here? Sing it! Okay! Here it is!

Oh, you told me that I like you, and I like you, and you like me, and together we like each other so much that... I can't feel my face when I'm with you! But I like it. Yes, I like it. Oh, I can't feel my face when I'm with you. But I like it. Stop, stop, stop. What's the matter with you?

That's not your song, kid. It is too. I wrote it when I was sitting by the campfire. You did not write. That belongs to an R&B artist. Oh, says you. What would you know about R&B? What's that stand for?

Rump and butt? It doesn't stand for rump and butt. Let me finish my song. Oh, I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I like it. But I like it. I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I like it. Stop it, get out, get out, get out. You're an idiot.

You're a moron. I don't know why anyone in the world would like you. The autistic boy likes you. The autistic boy likes me, and I'm doing it for him. I don't care if the autistic boy likes you. I don't care if a kid that dropped out of a helicopter likes you. Get out of my studio. I can't feel my face when I'm with you.

I bet you've felt a lot of faces. I bet you felt a lot of little boy's ass cheeks. Get out of here. Out. Holy crap. What is wrong with that? idiot. See, this is why

now my blood pressure's up. I'm angry. I'm riled up and, you know, God bless, if Campfire Timmy gets through to some people, fantastic. But this is why I rarely have him on the show. He drives me up

the wall. I mean, God, my skin's clammy, my scalp sweating, my face is all sweaty. Your face? Well, I can't feel your face when I'm with you, because I like it. Get out. Go suck a machine gun ass. Out! God! Roger, never again.

Hey, Harland. It's Shelly. It's Shelley. Stop it, Roger. Now you're just messing with me. You wanted that kid in here, didn't you? You know what? I'm ending the show. I'm ending. it right now. That's it. I cannot function under these conditions. In closing, again, I'm so happy that Campi or Timmy connected you with your son.

I really sincerely mean that, but outside of that, I am I just can't tolerate that stupid kid. Good Lord on a lemon bush. All right, let's get to some announcements here. The Comedy Party, yes. We go from rage to laughter.

The comedy party is coming your way. It's actually this week. It is going to be Thursday, April 7th, 8th, and 9th. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 7, 8, and 9. And I'll tell you what it is. It's a great, great comedy concert. with Harland Williams, that's me, Tom Green from MTV and Road Trip and Freddie Got Fingered,

Bobby Lee, one of the funniest Korean comics, if not the only Korean comic. You know Bobby from Mad TV and Harold and Kumar, go to White Castle, and Polly Shore, the Weitz-Zall from MTV, and all his movies, and C-No Man and son-in-law. And we're all going to be performing together forming the comedy party. We are very excited.

The four of us went out to dinner the other night. We went and got sushi and we were just all sitting around talking about what a great time it's going to be. And we're all excited to come to your city or town and just yuck it up. Now, Roger, turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off. Jesus, man. Let me get back to this. So the comedy party, let me give you the venues and the dates and everything because don't want you to miss it.

Rialto Square Theater in Joliet, Illinois. That's April 7th. Coronado Arts Center in Rockford, Illinois. That's April 8th. And the Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa, April 9th, okay? So these are our first three cities of the comedy party tour. It's all four of us at once. Tickets are at harlandwilions.com.

Just go on harlidwiliams.com. Click on my stand-up tour link. And there are links to all the venues right there. The seats are filling up fast. So please get in there and get yourself a good seat while you can. And this is going to be a real good time. It's rare you get four major headliners under one roof and four funny headliners under one roof. So it's going to be really, it really is going to be a comedy party.

And if you don't live in the area, if you don't live in Joliet or Rockford or Dubuque, and you know people that live in the area, please let them know. Even if you're in Chicago, man, it's only about a 45-minute drive out to some of these towns and cities. So if you're out in Chicago or in surrounding Chicago area, man, take the journey. Come and see us. We are going to have a blast. So see you at the comedy party, April 7, 8, 9th. The following weekend, yours truly will be in Brea, California.

This city is just outside of, Braia is just outside of Los Angeles. Great Club, the Brea Improv. That's April 14, 13. through 17, and then the following two weeks later, I will be in Edmonton, Alberta, yes, at the West Edmonton Mall, at the comic strip, a great, great comedy club. That's the weekend of April 28, 29, 30, May 1st,

and going to be great. And then as we get into May, May 13 and 14, I will be in Gotham, Gotham Live in New York City, great comedy club haven't played in New York for about a year so that's going to be a blast also while you're at harlem williams.com getting your stand-up comedy tickets please check out our store we have a great store on the site where you can order merchandise we'll mail it out to you and and also you can write me at the site Harlan Williams.com. There's a contact link or if you want to leave a beautiful message like our caller did today

or a crazy message like our callers do every day. 323739-43330. 3-2-3-739-433. The number, phone number is on the website if you can't remember it. Also, please get the Harland Highway app for your telephone. Just go into the app store on your phone. Type in the Harland Highway podcast and boom, you can download the app for absolutely free. You get the 50 latest episodes of the show. And if you join our premium membership, you get all 70, 750 episodes of the show, including extra bonus premium material, live stand-up recordings of mine. Also, my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight, where comedians have verbal fights with each other.

uh just great stuff man so uh please it's only twenty dollars a year for the premium content and uh it's just extra extra bonus laughter premium material for you guys to enjoy so there you go um that's that's our show for today keep it real in the deal uh have fun out there and uh great to have you here thank you for joining in and until next time chicken Chalmayne, baby. Why don't you go suck on the side of a dairy queen?