The Harland Highway - 756 - TEXT stalkers. Listener MAIL BAG. CRAZY story!

Episode Date: April 7, 2016

Have you ever been TEXT stalked? Letters from our listeners. A crazy farm animal story. And, Harland gets pissed off. Scoff scoff! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Heaven's Demergetroyd, even. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams. And I don't even know if you understood that, but it was like, Holland Williams. Translation Harland Williams, and you are on the Harland Highway podcast.

Don't know why I was talking like that. It's only going to get better from here. Trust me, we are talking about some great stuff today. Have you ever been text stocked? Yeah, that's right. You ever have a friend or a buddy who texts you way too much or a lover or a way do we get into this? Also, I'm a little pissed off about something, so we're going to do my new segment where Harlan's pissed off. Where do you hear what I'm pissed off about this time, but I'm really pissed off.

Also, a crazy news story that involves a small, adorable little farm animal, and way do you hear. what happened to this little critter or what almost happened. Unbelievable. And then, of course, we are going to go into the Harland Highway pavement pounder mailbag. Yes, you guys have been sending me lots of great emails to Harlowilliams.com, and today

we are going to read a whole bunch of your letters and answer your questions and reply to all the things going through your head, if you even have a head, because most people don't. This is the Harland Highway. Where are I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Don't piss me up.

This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off These fucking assholes These fucking assholes

The fuck is their problem, man All right, here we go We're starting it off with me pissed off And here what I don't know how many of you can relate to this This one might be only in my life but how many of you go to the gym and you go to the gym and you work out or if you do what I do I play racquetball man

and I don't know if you play racquetball but man you work up a sweat you work up a thirst you work up a it's intense cardio competitive so sometimes you walk out of the court as a loser and you're sweaty and you're dripping and you're

you're pissed off because you're lost and you're so you meander over to the water fountain at the gym and it's okay if there's someone there ahead of you drinking they bend down they drink they they leave maybe there's two or three people in front of you drinking but what pisses me off is you get these morons with their water bottles yeah they got these full-size water bottles and they don't even look like they've broken a sweat. They look like, you know, they're in their tight clothes and their neon spandex workout pants and they've been, you know, meandering around or whatever.

Maybe they are sweaty. I don't care, but people stand there in front of the water fountain and fill up their water bottles at the water fountain. And they just stand there and they hold the thing and the water's kind of hitting and missing because, you know, water fountain spurts aren't exactly accurate. So the water's kind of half going into the little hole

on the top of the water bottle and half of it's going. They just stand there and stand there and stand there and stand there filling their bottle with water and you're standing there going, you know what, dude, I'd really like to take a drink. I just lost a game.

I'm not in a good mood. And even if I'm in a good mood, this is a water found for people to drink. You want to fill your damn water bottle. Go in the bathroom where there's 15 taps. Fill your damn water bottle in the bathroom. And what really cracks me up is their water bottles are never empty. They're always like, you know, half full. I was like, really?

You're going to drink all that water in the next like half an hour? Okay. What would you just crawl across the desert? Water! Water! At the very least, there should be an etiquette where if someone walks up who doesn't have a water bottle who wants to use the water fountain for what it was intended for, which was to bend down and drink with your mouth,

there should be some kind of etiquette or unwritten rule that you step aside if you're filling a giant water bottle that takes half an hour to fill. Like you're going on some kind of expedition through the jungle, and you're getting your monthly water supply. Move your ass. There. Oh, I've vented. I got it out.

I'm still pissed off about it, but at least I got it out. What we've got here is failure to communicate. All abroad! The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff All right

Here it is Here it is crazy news story Here's the headline Kind of an odd one The way they always are Farmer Saves baby lamb With wife's blow dryer

Huh? Here we go This is a little weird a quick-thinking English farmer saved a lamb that had fallen into a freezing water trough with the help of his wife's blow dryer. Okay. I wonder if he put any product in the lamb's wool.

You know, this, this is, I think what you really need here is some gel. I really think some jerry curl or some gel. And have you ever thought about frosted tips? Um, Ed D of West Lodge Farm and Desbarrell, England found the day and a half old lamb sodden and very close to death. Ooh, he was soddened. Oh, I'm afraid the lamb's sodden. He's very close to death.

Uh, he was very close to death after the animal climbed into his mother's freezing water trough. So this is what the guy did, kind of ingenious. he dried the lamb off with a blow dryer and after 15 minutes put the freezing animal in the plate warmer section of his oven with the door open. Wait a minute.

Wait, wait a minute. Is that, is that, wait, are we saving the lamb or are we cooking the lamb? Hold on. I mean, that gets a little sketchy right there. My goodness, David, what are you doing with the lamb? Oh, I'm saving it. I put it in the oven to warm it up, heat it up at 450 degrees.

It sure is smelling good, David. Aye, it is smelling good, isn't it? You know, I haven't done the groceries in five or six days. We don't really have anything for dinner. Well, I mean, we do have a lamb. Warming up in the oven? Well, that's what I was thinking. I mean, he smells delicious.

Aye, but I'm trying to save his life, woman. But what are you trying to save his life for, David? So that we could eat him a little later on down the road? You've got a point there, woman. Do you have any mint jelly and some garlic butter? I certainly do. Well, get it on the little bastard and let me close the oven. door and we'll cook some fucking dinner.

I mean, holy God. You start sticking a lamb in the oven to warmer. Hello, that's called cooking. That's called broiling. Yeah, yeah, there was a chicken running around in the backyard. So, you know, I mean, all I did was put him on a spit

for an hour and a half. And I don't know what happened to his feathers and stuff, but his skin's crisp. be brown and I was just trying to warm him up but man it's he delicious pretty wild stuff I mean holy smokes that's one lucky lamb

how many people have ever put a lamb in the oven and then taking it out and set it free in a field and what's the lamb thinking you know he's going well this uh this blow dryer thing is a little that little unique

I do feel like I'm warming up I'm probably good to go I mean you know you've been blow drying me for half an hour and by the way thanks for the part in the middle okay now now you're putting me and why are you opening the oven door but yes it's nice and warm in here

but but why are you cutting potatoes and putting them all around me like garnish I mean, that lamb must have been shitting his woolly little pants. Holy God. You don't want to be livestock. You don't want to be domesticated livestock and put it anywhere near an oven, man. I mean, it's a pretty good guarantee that, you know, years down the road,

that's where you're going to go. But don't, don't pretend you're safe. And shoved me in the old oven. Hello. So there you go. The little lamb lived. They set the thing free. And tragically, as I said, only to be eaten on another day.

Rice. A rumy. The San Francisco tree. Letters. Oh, we get letters. your letters every day mailman mailman mail today reach right in and pull one out those letters I love those letters let's find out what you've got to say oh boy mailman mail today all right let's do it

haven't got your letters in a little while so let's dip into the The pavement pounder mailbag, as you know, you can always write to me at harlandwilliams.com. We have a contact link on the website, and you can write to me. Also, if you get the app for your phone, the Harland Highway phone app, you can also write to me. So here's the first letter. This is from Robert Lambeau. Subject is the Harland Highway poll The message says

I started the Harland Highway poll a while back to allow listeners to vote for their favorite characters on the show including Roger. So far three people have contributed. I voted for two. So that means really only one person's contributed. Am I right? Robert says,

I was hoping you could help promote it in an upcoming podcast. Well, I don't see why not, Robert. I think it could be interesting to see how the characters are tracking. If you want the address, it's T-H-H-H, which probably means the Harland Highway, T-H-H-H-Pol dot blogspot.com. T-H-H-Pol dot blogspot.com. dot com and I went on there

by the way thank you Robert that's probably something I wouldn't have thought of doing I know that probably took some time and effort on your behalf to set that up so I appreciate your enthusiasm and your interest and I don't know if people

are going to flock to your website and start participating but maybe they will I don't see why not and maybe if you start to get inundated with people, you know, creating activity for your blog spot. You can give us an update further down the road.

So let me give it to you one more time. You can go and that's a Harland Highway poll. You can vote for your favorite character. It looks like Rogers set up a pretty elaborate list and you can just click on the names you like. and that's H-T-T-P back to back-splashes

T-H-H-H-Polblogspot.com T-H-H-Polblogspot.com And let's see if that leads to anything. Thank you very much, Robert. All right, let's go. Let's go to another letter, shall we? All right. This is from Matthew Burr

Surger on. Subject, the Force of Nature. Oh, my stand-up, my last stand-up comedy special. That one's a couple of years old now. I'm actually starting to put the pieces together for a new stand-up special. But let's read Matthew's letter here. Hi, I wanted to rent Force of Nature on Amazon,

but I can't do such because my credit card is from a Canadian bank. That's weird. I don't see why that should make a difference. Is there any way I can maybe send you? you the money, PayPal for a downloadable version on Dropbox or any other file hosting website. I don't have a DVD player. I can pay the price of the DVD if you want. Thanks for letting me know. I just bought Crowd Control and I owned it since back when what a treat. Clearly my top five stand-up comedy shows. I'm a French speaker from Montreal. Pardon my English. Ha-ha-ha. Thanks. I heard you

speak about a half-bake sequel. Do so. Oh, well, we have a French-Canadian, part of my heritage. I am French-Canadian on my mother's side, as you can tell by my sexy raspy voice. Unfortunately, Matthew, I do not have any kind of digital download that I can send you. It's a little weird that Amazon doesn't accept your credit card. I'm a little befuddled and confused by that but maybe keep trying maybe write a letter to them I wish I can help you but I just I don't have that capacity

and for those of you that don't know what a force of nature is you can also watch it on Netflix Matthew maybe you didn't know it was on Netflix if you have Netflix you can watch it Force of Nature is my last stand-up comedy special it's about an hour long and it's quite unique because I did it out

in the wilderness I stood on a mountain in the middle of the desert and did my whole routine to no audience. I just yelled it out across the desert. And it's very interesting and very different and a lot of fun and hopefully you'll like it. But try and check it out. If you want to order a copy, we do have them in the Harlandwilms.com store. And we can always send you out a DVD to your mailing address.

So thank you for that letter, Matthew Bergerald, my little French-Canadian friend. And let's see what else we have in here. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to be better. to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly

for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. By the way, if you want to write to me, as I said, just, you know, hit me up on harloweems.com. All right, here's a letter from Stop Ruffling the Paper. Robert Smith, subject, hilarious crow bit.

Message, I could not find this. You wake up to a beautiful morning and, and could I post it? Ah, you're talking about, yeah, I did a bit years ago about crows and how, you know, all the other birds in the, in the bird kingdom have these beautiful singing voices and crows sound like, ah! Like they need a tracheotomy or something. I'm not sure on which of my specials that, that bit appears. But, yeah, if you can find it and you want to post it, by all means, you go ahead and share the laugh. with other people. Thank you for your letter,

and I'm glad you like it. All right. Let's see who else we got here. Here's a letter from Kyle Campbell. All right, Kyle. Hey, Harland, really enjoying the Harland Highway. I listen to it at work all the time, and it makes my workday fly by,

puts me in a great mood, makes me think, and makes me laugh. Well, that is great to hear. I remember you most from Employee of the Month and as the Highway Patrolman in Dumb and Dumber, great memorable scenes and a few of my favorite movies. Right on! I discovered the podcast world pretty recently

and listened to your podcast with Pete Holmes and Kevin Pollock and enjoyed them both immensely. I didn't want them to end and was happy to find out that you had your own podcast and I'm greatly entertained by it. It's nice to have over 700 episodes to download from and I plan to listen to all of them. Wow, good for you.

You're absolutely hilarious and insightful. Love the podcast, the YouTube videos, the movie roles, and your stand-up. Man, you're making me feel good here, Kyle. Thanks for the laughs and the countless hours of entertainment, and thanks for reading your one-of-a-kind. Chicken Chalman, baby. Kyle Campbell from Columbus, Ohio. P.S. tempted to buy the magic fuck-off t-shirt from your one.

web store soon. Ha ha, genius. Wow, man. Well, those are some nice compliments. Kyle, thank you very much for all your input. I'm glad you love the podcast. Please spread the word, tell your

friends. And by all means, go in the web store and buy the magic fuck off t-shirt. It's a hilarious shirt. Basically, it's a bunch of jumbled letters. People walk up to you and say, hey, man, what's your shirt say? It's just a bunch of letters. And basically, you grab the

bottom of the shirt, you do a slight lift and fold it up to the top letters and the jumbled letters become the words fuck off. It's a little crude, I know, but it's people love it. It's hilarious and it's only 20 bucks at the web store. So, uh, very, very cool. Thank you, Kyle. Let's see what else we have. All right, here is a letter from John K. It says, thanks for the Trump show podcast 694. Thanks for the Trump show podcast number 694. Hi, Harland.

I am a longtime Democrat, voted Democrat ever since Clinton in 92, who has recently come to the same conclusion as you about Trump. I appreciate you expressing your honest thoughts about Trump and I think more of us will have to speak out in a way that you did. No doubt party liners on both sides have put many of us in a long-term status quo trance. More and more I believe people are waking up and are waking up and finding it refreshing listening to Trump being Trump.

Why wouldn't we want someone like this leading our country in this world? Don't see how anyone can look at Hillary or Jeb and think they're going to take our country anywhere different. So thanks again Harlan. Cheers. John in Minneapolis. By the way, I particularly enjoyed your recent show about Letterman and the show

to the guy who is feeling down on his life situation. Good stuff. Oh, well, thank you very much, John. You know, whenever I talk about politics or Donald Trump, I don't do it to try and convince people or to make them change their minds or to preach at them. I do like to talk about my feelings about a politician and what I believe. And I believe if you go and listen to podcast number 694, the memory serves

me correctly. I kind of was talking about Donald Trump long before he kind of surged. I think I I think I did that podcast when the elections were just starting. It was before Trump had blown up and actually become the frontrunner. And so I think a lot of what I said was kind of like, almost like a weird prediction of things to come. I think I was talking about Trump during the time when he, you know, the race had only been on for two, three weeks. And everyone was saying he was a joke and a clown. and it was a carnival and he'll be gone in three days and nobody's taking him seriously.

And whether you like Trump or not, I'm very happy to see that all these talking head ass clowns in the media, whether they're on Fox or CNN or MSNBC, all these asswads that seem to know better than the rest of us that seem to want to guide our decision-making. And they're so, so determined. to tell us who's worthy of our votes and who's an ass clown and who's who's legit they're so quick to try and make you feel like a fool or an outsider or stupid if you don't vote for

who they think should be running for president or becoming president and I don't like that I've always been an underdog guy and I didn't like the way Trump was getting pulled. pushed around and treated. So I did a whole podcast about it, number 694. And I still stand by it today because he's still getting dicked around and people are condescending and is he a perfect candidate? Does he say some strange, bizarre thing? Sure he does.

But I'll take that crazy stuff over a steaming pile of bullshit from one of these traditional candidates who tell you the same things over and over election cycle after election cycle, and nothing ever changes. They just manipulate you with their talking points, and they say what they have to say, they pull what they have to pull, they try to press all your buttons, all the sociological buttons to try and get elected, and then things just keep on cruising along status quo. And so I think I was kind of standing up for a self-funding politician who, who had no agenda, who wasn't letting anyone puppeteer his mind, his brain, his motives, his policies.

And I thought that was pretty admirable. Whether you like Trump or not, you know, the rest of the political spectrum to me is very dark and evil and mind controlling. And you got to make sure at what point you're being, you know, you have some. someone talking to you from the pulpit or you have a system that is trying to herd you like a bunch of sheep into a certain direction to keep you down. Don't be fooled. So if anyone wants to go back and listen to that episode, it might be quite prophetic. Is that the word? I don't know.

All right, let's do one more letter here. And thank you very much for your letter. That's very interesting to me that you actually kind of were a Democrat now are thinking of going the other way. Here's another letter. Oh, same topic. Okay, name J.M. That's it, just the initials. J.M. subject.

Thanks. Hey, Harrell. Thanks for playing my phone call and reading my email message about the Trump podcast. Very cool to hear and an honor. The Trump show is one of the most insubes. Aspiring shows you have ever done. Chicken Chow Maniac. Oh, well, thank you very much.

Yeah, you know, interestingly, it's always kind of difficult to throw your political opinions out there, which I find strange in a country that's supposed to be where you're allowed to be free and say what you want to say. But people tend to jump all over you. They get very emotional, and a lot of times people can't just. hear your opinion and go, okay, I heard what he or she said, I agree, I like it, or I disagree, and I will move on. A lot of times you get people becoming very angry and vocal and, you know, you're a fucking idiot and what are you retarded and that guy's a fucking, that guy's Hitler, and, you know,

just all that mumbo-jumbo, all that rhetoric. But regardless, I throw my thoughts out there. If you liked them great, if you don't great, but it's nice to hear that the last two people who wrote in are people that appreciated what I said. So there you go. I think that's a good place to leave it on a nice positive note. Roger, close up the mailbag.

Thank you for your letters. And keep them coming right to Har website at gmail.com. Or just go to Harland, Williams.com and click on the link. If you'd rather write to me, or if you'd rather, sorry, call me 323-739-43330. 3-3-3-739-43330 is the direct hotline. So there you go. Thanks so much, pavement pounders, for your wonderful letters.

Keep them coming. We'll read some more in the future. And for right now, Roger, as I said, hit it. Let's close up the Harlan Huff. Highway Mailbag Another letter from our listener's day

bomp all right let's end the show with this this is interesting I think you all know this sound right

you all know this little endearing little sound sometimes it elicits excitement sometimes it's fun

sometimes it's dread but you all know this sound right you just got a text and you're like oh it could be it could be a friend it could be someone hit me up for a date it could be news about a party it could be somebody sexting me maybe it's some nice hot nude pictures maybe i got some good news maybe a buddies in town maybe it's someone i haven't heard from for a while right it's it's it's a neat little sound it's like it's like getting

It's like getting, uh, mail in a mailbox. But what if, what if you have a friend? A well-meaning friend, a friend who likes you, who likes to stay in contact with you, who likes to communicate with you, who, oh, there we go. Who enjoys texting you that, who enjoys texting you maybe a bit too much? Have you, have you, have you had a friend like this?

And there's still a friend. you still love them, you still care for them, they're your buddy, they're your girlfriend, they're your boyfriend, they're your wife, they're your husband, and they're well-meaning, and they like to let you know that you're thinking of them, and they like to flirt with you,

and they like to keep tabs on you, and they like to track you, and they like to stalk you, and they like to know every single goddamn thing you're doing every fucking stuff. Second. Do you have one of those friends? Do you have one of those text friends

that just won't fucking quit? And it drives you insane? And you try to like not text them back for a while and they don't get the hint. It just makes them text you even more. Or you directly kind of give them a hint.

Yeah, I'm going to be working for the next little while so I can't text you. Well, that's fine. for you, but they don't care. They're not working, so they're just going to keep texting away. They're like, well, just because he's working doesn't mean I'm working, so I guess I'll send them funny little emojis and I'll tell him jokes and I'll write cute little things and I'll send pictures and I won't give him any breathing space at all just when he thinks he's in the clear. boom

I text his ass again I'm a tech stalker is that possible is that a new term I've created a text stalker how many of you have been text stocked I have I've even like blatantly said

you know what you gotta stop with the text okay you gotta knock it off I don't text like this you gotta knock it off that's right I've had people text me over 60, 70, 80 times in one day. And because it's friends or it's people you like, you're like, oh, God. And then you blatantly, I've just texted back, stop texting me.

I can't do the, you're allowed five texts a day. But they don't care. They don't stop because they're text stalkers. And text stalkers aren't rational people. They just keep texting you and texting you and texting you and texting you until you drive your car off a cliff and die. And on your gravestone it says he was texted to death.

So don't kill the people you love, the people you care about with texts. Don't overwhelm them, don't drown them, don't bury them with your texts. Just a few a day. A few here and there to remember. Remind them that you're out there, that you're thinking of them, that you care. In fact, I'll text you right now just as a little reminder.

And speaking of reminders, before we close the show out here, with the scary notion of a tech stalker, Don't forget tonight we kick off the comedy party in the Midwest. Yes, the Midwest of the United States of America. Tonight is the night we kick it off. The Comedy Party starring Polly Shore, Tom Green, me, and Bobby Lee from Mad TV. Tonight we started Joliet, Illinois, yes, April 7th. We are at the Rialto Square Theater tonight in Joliet, Illinois. Tomorrow night, the Coronado Arts Center in Rockford, Illinois.

And on Saturday night, the Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa. Please come out to this show. It's all four of us, four major stand-up comedy headliners, all on one beautiful stage at these beautiful theaters. Come on out. Tickets are available at harlandwilliams.com. Just go to my stand-up comedy tour link on the website, and it will take you right to where you can purchase your tickets. And if you can't make it, if you're listening to me from another part of the country,

please tell your friends and family if they live in the neighborhood of Joliet, Illinois, Rockford, Illinois, or Dubuque, Iowa. And by all means, if you're in Chicago or Minneapolis, or Indiana or Cincinnati. I mean, just get in your car and drive. We're not that far away. I think from Chicago, some of these cities, it's only like an hour, an hour drive.

So it's going to be well worth at the comedy party, April 7, 8, 9. Come on out and check us out. And then the following weekend, yours truly will be in Brea, Brea, California, just outside of L.A. The Brea Improv. April 14th through the 17th, great, great club, love working out there, come on out and enjoy.

And then at the end of the month, starting April 28th to the beginning of May, I will be in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, at the comic strip at the West Edmonton Mall. Oh, my goodness, such a great club. That one usually sells out like every night, Thursday through Sunday. So get your tickets right away. Like I said, Harlem Williams.com at the stand-up tour link. And I certainly hope I see all you guys there at my upcoming shows. So there you go.

Also, please feel free to write me so I can include you in the Harland Highway listener mailbag. That's also at Harlan Williams.com. Just click on the contact link. Or you can, as I said, you can leave me a phone message, 3.3.000. 233-739-43330. I love hearing from you guys. I love playing your messages. So please, 3-2-3-739-433-30. Also, please get our app, as I mentioned earlier, the Harland Highway phone app. Just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway. Boom. And while you're in there, please, for $20 a year, join our premium package. You get all kinds of extra bonus material. Stand-up. my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight All kinds of great stuff

For only $20 a year That's two trips to McDonald's And it really helps Keep keep me doing all this stuff That I do So thank you for those who have joined And for those of you that are thinking of it Do it, man, do it

You won't be disappointed, I promise And that's it I think we'll leave it right there for tonight and I hope you had a good time. Certainly enjoyed talking to you. Don't put any sheep in the oven. Keep it with the Chinese food. And until next time, chicken, chamein, baby.