The Harland Highway - 757 - Dr. Debbie Thymer talks cancer. CELEBRITY RACES TRUMP VS CLINTON

Episode Date: April 11, 2016

LIFE COACH Dr. Debbie Thymer takes calls today to try and help people with their problems. CELEBRITY RACES with all the presidential candidates running down the track. Stack it back!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your address because I'm a stock. No, I'm not a stalker. Hello, I'm Harlan Williams. I'm just a host. I'm just a host. That's all I am. A host at this wonderful podcast, the Harland Highway podcast, which you are now on. You are rolling down the Harland Highway. Great to have you all aboard. What a show. What a show today. Great show today. Dr. Debbie Timer is here taking phone call. and helping people. She's a life coach, and she helps people with stressful situations, with medical problems, with psychological problems, all kinds of problems. So she'll be here and look forward to her advice, which is always great. Also, celebrity races.

Oh, my God. Celebrity races. Today, the four presidential frontrunners, Trump, Clinton, Cruz, and Saunders are running down the track full speed. I don't know who's going to win. Charles Parsley will be here later to call the race towards the end of the show. And in the middle, if you can believe it, I got a very interesting phone call from someone who also has bugs in their house and may have peed on them. Oh, what a show.

Get ready. This is the Harland Highway. Where I am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Well, hello everybody, I'm Dr. Debbie Timmy timer, and I just want to say hi to all our listeners across the country. Hi.

Today we'll be taking all your calls, letting you voice your concerns, out your baggage or your dirty laundry and I'm here to help walk you through it because I am your life coach so don't be afraid don't pull back as you know I'm a trained professional and what we do on this show for the next little while is I listen to you. I listen to your stories and your problems and see if I can give you some life coach. Help. And help you to arrive at some new conclusions and maybe give you a little advice to help you get your life back on track. I'm Dr. Debbie Timer. And let's take a call all away from North Carolina today.

And I believe we have David on the phone, David. How are you today? Hello? Oh, oh, hello. Dr. Debbie, is that you? Yes, this is Dr. Debbie, Timer, and how can we help you today in your life? Oh, my goodness. Dr. Debbie, it's so nice to talk to you in person.

I listen to your show all the time. Well, thank you very much. That's a very nice compliment. And what would you like to talk about today? Well, Dr. Debbie, I don't know how to say this. Well, just take a deep breath and talk to me. Okay, what are you doing? Well, you told me to take a deep breath, Dr. Debbie.

Okay, um, I metaphorically just take a deep breath, relax, and tell me what's going on in your life. Oh, well, Dr. Debbie, about a week ago, yeah, I don't know how to put this delicately but I lost one of my balls. Oh, okay. Well, that's not so uncommon. David, many men go through this, and I know it's hard to cope with. It really is hard to cope with,

and I just, it's never happened to me before. I've never lost a ball, and I just, I feel a certain amount, of shame. I feel a certain amount of guilt. I feel like I let myself down. Now, David, that, those are natural reactions. Part of that is because of your hormones. Part of that is because of your ego. It sure is. I've never had this happen to me before. It's so humiliating, Dr. Deb, to lose one of your balls. Well, it certainly is. It's, it's a little, little emasculating, to put it mildly.

It sure is. I mean, I just, I've never felt so emasculated since I lost my ball. Well, just so you know, David, many men across the country and around the world go through this kind of event. It is a little earth shattering, and it's just something that men have to cope with. May I ask your age, sir? I'm 52 years old, Dr. Debbie, and as I said, in my whole life, I never thought this would happen to me. I mean, just a shameful, shameful moment.

Now, now, let's not beat up on ourselves. Uh, David, there's no shame in cancer. I know. I'm sorry? There's no shame in testicular cancer, David. It happens to many, many men, as I said, all over the country, all over the world. Now, where did this happen? Where did this event happen?

Well, Debbie, it was in Northern California, and it was a beautiful Sunday day, just a little bit of a wind blowing. Okay, well, I don't think the weather conditions have much to do with it, David. Well, you know, there are some experts that say that, you know, Well, the weather conditions have a lot to do with it, you know, depending on, you know, how hard you want to, you know. Well, David, I think there's many more factors that lead to testicular cancer than weather conditions. It's part of your genes. It's part of your heritage, your DNA. Well, now, Debbie, Dr. Debbie, you keep going back to testicular cancer.

I know, that's the medical term, and I know you've been a little more blunt, a little more crass when you say you lost your ball, but if we're going to be technical here, and we're going to talk about it in an honest way, testicular cancer is... Well, now, when I say I lost my ball in Temple Beach, Dr. Debbie, I meant I lost my ball. Yes, I understand. I am a certified psychologist. I understand the terminology. Where did, uh, when did you find out you, you were, uh, you know, going to have to deal with this, David?

Well, I, I guess I was on the 17th hole that I, I hit the nine iron right into a stand of pine trees, Dr. Debbie. And I was looking around for about two hours. I'm sorry, you were, you were aware now? I was on the 17th hole. I hit a straight shot, what I thought was a straight shot, right toward the green, and I took a bounce, and it hit a little divot on the fairway, and my ball flew right into a stand of pine trees. I'm a little confused. You said you had testicular cancer? Cancer? No, Dr. Dibb. I said, I was ashamed that in all my years of golfing, I've never lost a ball.

and on the 17th hole, I don't know what happened. My ball hit a divot, bounced into a stand of pine trees, and got buried under the needles, or under some leaves. Are you telling me that when you say you lost your ball? That's right. You're talking about a golf ball? Well, yes, Dr. Debbie, and I'm so ashamed. You know, my friends were with me,

and in all my years of playing the game, they've never seen me lose a ball, and it was just earth-shattering. I thought you were talking about losing a testicle, you fucking idiot. Well, now, I don't know why you need to start cussing at me, Dr. Debbie. When you said you lost a ball and it was grieving you and you were upset and you're having trouble functioning... Yes, that's right. You were talking about a goddamn golf ball rolling into a fucking pot.

Hind Forrest, you fucking idiot. Now, Dr. Debbie, this was a very upsetting event for me. I never did recover the ball, and my friends were laughing at me. They're like, you lost your ball. You lost your ball. Oh, oh, oh. Look at

David lost his ball. And they were laughing at me like he-he-he-he-he-ha-ho-ho-ho. He-he-he-he-ha. He-he-ha. Stop the fucking laughing. You fucking golf asswad. Wait, pardon me, Dr. Debbie?

This is a show where we deal with people who have ailments, who are suffering, and you're talking about losing a $7 fucking golf ball. Well, now, this was no $7 ball when I lost my ball. This was a Arnold Palmer. These balls are 40 bucks of pop, Dr. Debbie, so you can imagine how devastated I still am. I never did find the goddamn thing. Okay. You need to hang up and call a fucking sports show, you fucking jock-headed golf cart driving, dildo face.

Okay, now there's no need for that. I'll come down there with my putter, and I will smack you right between the eyes, you fat, bitch. Hang up, you stupid cockbite. I'll bash you in with my fucking driver, you stupid fat fuck. Hang up, you stupid... What the hell was... You know what? let's go to a commercial.

I'm a little flustered. I'm a little hot. Dr. Debbie's a little hot. Let's go to a commercial and maybe we'll come back and take some more of your calls. I am your life coach. What the fuck was that?

Did you not hear that asshole say he lost a ball? Okay, you've got to clarify this shit. Fucking idiots. I'm going for a coffee. Hang up. Fucking asshole. Stupid fucking asshole.

Be sure and tell him Large Mards sent you. Oh, God. Poor Dr. Debbie. Poor, poor, poor Dr. Debbie. But isn't it nice she's out there to help people with all their dilemmas

in life? Isn't it nice to know there's professionals out there to help us cope? Here's something that I have trouble coping with, and maybe I should call Dr. Debbie about it, but I'll dump it on you guys, because I think you might be able to relate my faithful pavement pounders. Have you ever had the old I bought a carton of ice cream dilemma? Right? You know what I mean?

You go to Baskin Robbins or Ben and Jerry's or the grocery store. and you live alone and you buy the big tub of ice cream and you know you shouldn't but you do anyhow and it's it you know you kind of you kind of create this twisted logic

where you go well I'll just eat a little bit at a time I'll have a scoop here a scoop there it'll be nice to have it in the freezer are, but that doesn't diminish the, uh, the calorie count. That doesn't diminish the, uh, the amount, the mass that you consume and stuff into your body.

No, it doesn't. And so I, I have this, I have this psychological fight with the ice cream. I don't do it a lot, but every now and then I buy a tub of ice cream. And I'll eat a little. little, and I never feel super great after I eat it. It's fun while I'm eating it, but afterwards I feel kind of gunky, and I start, you know, sometimes you started visioning the lining of your heart and your intestines and your colon and all those horrible tubes that fill your body. And you just picture like, you know, you ever see a, you ever leave ice cream in a dish or don't

finish a milkshake and it crusts up. in your glass or in your bowl or you leave a little dollop on the counter and when you come back tomorrow it's like hard as like dry lava and you're like oh my God what's going on on my insides I'm going to ice cream myself to death

I'm going to have an ice cream stroke I'm going to have an ice cream attack and so once I get through like the top quarter of the ice cream tub I look at it and I go, man, I still got over half. I still got over half of an ice cream tub to go through. And I go, you know what, in the morning, I'm going to throw it out. I'm just going to throw it in the garbage. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always

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I don't need all that. I've already tasted a little. I don't need any more of that gunk inside me. That sugar and the food coloring and the chemicals and the... And of course you wake up in the morning and you're like, you know, that stuff I said last night. Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, if I just deal a little...

little bit more you know it's who am i hurting if i have another little bowl just a little bowl not a big bowl just just a scoop when i'm watching tv after a hard day i owe it to myself yeah right and so you just talk your way into it and then before you know it you've eaten a whole tub of freaking ice cream and that's not good but the whole time it was sitting in your house and you were you're in mental anguish and you were trying to decide to toss it or keep it or tough and while all this tug of war is going on in your head your mouth is eating the damn ice cream so yes life is full of dilemmas i hope you don't have the ice cream tub dilemma the way i do and thank god i think i only maybe do that once a year maybe twice so i shouldn't feel that bad right but boy does it get

under my skin. Let's shift gears before I get all fired up and end up calling Dr. Debbie about it. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harland, is this where you want to do when Jesus comes back, testing all over the little poor silverfish?

Anyway, a couple of discussion points here. First, I feel the same way about insects. Like, I save them all the time when I'm not hungry. or even if I'm at my office, like I'll save an insect, throwing them outside, even fly. Ridiculous. But at home, yeah, I just feel anything in sight. And if I wake up to a silverfish of my football, definitely be aiming for them. So weird.

But yesterday, I killed some other type of flying insects. I actually need to Google it. I'm not sure exactly what it's called. But it was kind of gross-looking, and I ended up flicking it off of. a window and a cell to its injuries to the floor and then I ended up stepping on it and then as I went to

go clean it up with a napkin I saw the little insect blood, the little goo that comes out of them and my mind immediately expanded into kind of what you're talking about like God's species like these little creatures like it's kind of a miracle of how

how these things take shape and how they come about it's really crazy to think about But then I started thinking, I started feeling guilty for stepping on it. Like, man, he's a helpless little creature. Why didn't I just put him outside like I would any other time? But there is something about being in your house that you just automatically, instinctly, like, step on an insect. But anyway, what was crazy is that I started feeling a little guilty, and I thought, like, what, like, did he, what was his stop process?

Do insects stink at all? Like, I know I've seen documentaries on stuff like this. on the Science Channel and Discovery Channel. But, you know, you still wonder, like, was he thinking, oh, no, this guy's going to affect me? What is he doing? I've done nothing to him. And then he's dead. And did he have any insect friends that I affected?

Was he just hanging out for a little bit, and then he was going to go have beers with his buddies somewhere in a hive? Or, like, where does he normally live? Is he just a free floater? like a traveling nomad where he just ends up house to house or does he hang out with a couple of people or a couple other insects like his own anyway so yeah every time i do kill an insect that sort of thought always just automatically comes over me like it transforms my thought process for a little bit thinking about that particular insect you know how was he made how like how can you put an answered anything in this crazy-ass world okay i'm going to stop the message right there because i

just have to say you know when when i record this podcast i'm i'm you know i'm constantly questioning myself is any are any of these topics of interest to anyone can anyone relate to them does anyone does anyone care and i got to be honest when i did the whole uh thing on the last podcast about me peeing all over an insect that found its way into my toilet bowl I thought, did I just hit a new low? Are people going to listen to this? Is this going to be engaging in any way? And here we go.

God love us. One of the pavement founders calls in, and obviously the story resonated with him as he went on to share his experiences with insects and how he murders them the way I do, and et cetera, et cetera. So thank you for sharing. Fascinating to hear that

I'm not the only one in the world that fills guilt and has to deal with the life and death scenario of God's greatest creatures. It's, you know, big and small greatest creatures. And then I want to play the rest of the gentlemen's, although if you're a murderer, should you be called a gentleman? I don't know. But I'd like to play the rest of his message just where he says goodbye and wraps things up because this put a smile on my face. When I finish my message here, I just wanted to tell you that I love the Cancer Benefit show. You're doing an awesome job. And I wanted to tell you how awesome it is being a premium member.

Whenever I sign in and listen to premium content whenever you post it, it feels awesome. Like you feel kind of like it's unique and, you know, I just feel like a premium member. Like a premium member should feel like I feel awesome and just like think it's really cool. So definitely everybody should be getting a premium member. It's freaking so cheap, and it's really awesome. So anyway, keep on rocking, man, down the Harlan Highway. Love it. See you. Well, right on.

Thank you. That put a big smile on my face. Thank you for that. A glowing endorsement at the end. An insect killer. Loving the premium content. And I'm glad you feel special because that's the reason I put the premium function on the show. It really is special content

And I said it the other day I feel guilty that the rest of you can't hear it I'm not saying that you're getting ripped off With what you are getting But the premium content really is special stuff And the only way you're going to really experience it The way our wonderful caller is and has Is to get on there

It's only, as he said, it's so dirt cheap It's $20 a year I hope you guys get a chance to join the premium club. $20 a year. Just go to your cell phone. Join the app. The Harland Highway app. It's in the app store, and you can join the premium membership for $20. Or go to my website, Harlem Williams.com, and you can sign on through there on the apps page. And I'm so glad you're enjoying it. I'm glad it makes you feel special. I want it to. And that's why I created the premium membership. That's why I save very, very special material for the premium membership,

including live stand-up shows that I do, including my completely other podcast, the Let's Have a Fight podcast, special interviews with some of my characters, etc., etc. So a great phone call about bug murder and a great ending to the phone call with some very high praise on the premium membership and the podcast in general. So thank you so much. If you want to phone me and leave a message, you know where to do it. 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. 3.3-739-433.

Or you can write me at the website harloweems.com. All right, let's get back into the crazy stuff, shall we? Oh, this is so exciting. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. What a beautiful afternoon for a race. I'm Charles Parsley, and what an incredible race we have lined up for you today. We have all the political frontrunners from the 2016 presidential campaign from both sides of the aisle. From the Democratic side, we have Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bernie Sanders will be competing against the Republican side, Mr. Donald Trump and, of course, Ted Cruz.

Our four races today are in top form. They're all lined up in the gate, jockeying for position, and it promises to be a wonderful, very competitive race. Of course, all four of our races today are competing to be the President of the United States of America. So a victory in today's race, of course, could bode well for publicity, purposes, and bragging rights and help propel a candidate's campaign to the presidency. And now here they are. They're lined up. They're really jostling around there in the gate. They're getting ready. The bell's about to ring.

It looks like Hillary Clinton's bucking up and down, like she's got a tuna fish sandwich up a bottom, and Donald Trump is licking his lips. Bernie Sond. Here they go. There's the bell, and they're off, they're off, and they're running. They're running down the track. There they go. Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Bernie Sonders, and lying 10 crews.

It looks like Donald Trump is off to a fast lead here, the 6'5 strapping billionaire, charging down the track his hair flopping over in the wind standing up on the top of his head he looks like a sailfish jumping out of the ocean and here comes Hillary Clinton it's hard to get away from her with those giant cancels stundering down the track like some kind of Jurassic Park Brontosaurus slogging through the mud and there's 10 crews 10 crews running down the track he stops he stops he pulls out a plan looks like a map of some kind. He's showing it to the audience. He's showing them a map of all the states. He says he's won, but he hasn't really won. And there's Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is wandering out of the gate. He seems to be meandering. He's taking off his pants and his shirt. He's wandering around on the track in his tiny whitties and his brown penny loafers. He just seemed his hair's all messed up. He just seems to be mumbling and wandering. around like a homeless man and there goes Donald Trump Donald Trump he's running down the track

it looks like he's getting a bit of speed but here comes Hillary Clinton it looks like Bill Clinton's run out onto the track and is helping Hillary down the track the way he always has helping her do something that she's not quite capable of doing and Hillary's running in charge but wait she stopped she's pulled out of Blackberry and it looks like she's she's sending emails Who could she be sending them to? It doesn't matter. She doesn't really care. She's furiously texting emails,

and this is giving Bernie Sanders a chance to wander past her. He just meanders by in his loafers, his tiny whitties, and it looks like he's stopping in front of the crowd. He's stopping Bernie Sanders is stopping in front of the audience. He's grabbing some purses. He's grabbed a few purses from some of the patrons in the stands. He's walking down the stairs. and he's handing the purses to other people.

He's redistributing the wealth right here in the middle of this incredible race, and it's too late to stop and look at him because here comes Ted Cruz, running as fast as he can, giving it all he's got, but just like in the election, it's probably not going to be enough. And Hillary Clinton sending out more emails on a Blackberry, furiously typing as Bill Clinton, tries to lead her down the track, tries to get into the finish line the way he has during this whole election

because she can't seem to do it on her own but she just keeps furiously typing emails email after email there's some FBI agents standing up in the crowd looking at her with panaculars, very interested in what she's doing and there's Donald Trump he seems to be slowing down

in fact Donald Trump has come to a complete standstill he seems to be looking up into the sky for no reason like he's dazed and confused but not as dazed and confused as Bernie Saunders. Bernie Saunders, who is now, oh my goodness, it looks like he's pulled out a bong and he's smoking marijuana in the crowd with some young people with long hair and dreadlocks.

And Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz is running as fast as he can. It looks like he's passing Trump. He's passing Hillary, whose cancels are still stomping dinosaur footprints into the mud. He's overtaken to Donald Trump. He said, it looks like he's going to cross the finish line, but wait, here comes something's coming out of the sky. It's a giant helicopter with the word Trump on the side. Oh my goodness, Donald Trump, the billionaire politician, has jumped in his helicopter.

There goes the helicopter. It's speeding to the finish line, and it's taken over the line. There it is. Donald Trump crosses the finish line first in his very own private multi-million dollar. helicopter aircraft what a wonderful fight Bernie Sanders still looks like he's doing the wave up in the stand with a bunch of shirtless hippies Hillary Clinton yelling at her husband Bill and now Chelsea's coming into the fray and they're all arguing about this stomping their feet Hillary stomping her cancels it's if she's pounding why we can read her lips she's saying why aren't I in the White House yet?

I deserve it. It's owned to me. I deserve it. And of course, Ted Cruz, who is pouting, Ted Cruz who is standing at the finish line, trying to convince the judges that he's actually won the race, even though he clearly lost it. What an incredible race today, ladies and gentlemen,

here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races, Donald Trump, your winner, takes it in his helicopter. I'm Charles Pazley, and we'll see you next time at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, what an exciting, exciting celebrity race. The four presidential contenders, unbelievable. I thought the Donald was not going to get there, and then right at the last minute, boom, out of the sky,

comes his chopper. Didn't see that coming. Good race. We'll end it there. I can't imagine the podcast getting any more exciting. But let's do a few quick announcements before we bail on out of here. If you want to see me doing some live stand-up comedy, April 14th. That is this Thursday.

this Thursday in Brea, California, just outside of Los Angeles, about 30 minutes outside of Los Angeles to the east. Take the 10 East, and you will find me at the Brea Improv. That's April 14th to the 17th. Great club, going to be a great show. And I look forward to seeing you guys there. The following two weeks later, starting April 12th, You can catch me in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the West Edmonton Mall.

Great club in there called The Comic Strip. Unbelievable. I usually sell this freaking club out every day I'm there. So don't be disappointing. Get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com. Go to the stand-up tour link and click on there, and you can reserve your tickets for all these shows. and then later in May, May 13th and 14th.

Woo-hoo! I will be, May 13 and 14, I will be in New York City at Gotham, the Gotham Comedy Club. Gotham City, Gotham Live. Great, great comedy club. So hopefully you can come out and join us again. All the tickets available at Harvilliams. Also check out our store at harlough williams.com for all your fun merchandise. If you want to write me, you can write me at harlumwiliams.com.

There's a contact link or if you want to leave me a voicemail. 323-739-4330. You can talk about insects in the toilet or you can talk about whatever you want. 323-739-4-3-3-0. I might put your message on the show. Wouldn't that be fun? Also, please, please, please, as our wonderful caller recommended, please get the premium content so that you don't miss out

on any of the top-notch quality premium material that I'm putting up there for you guys. Only $20 for a whole year. Most sites charge way, way more than that. And you get my stand-up, you get my special interviews, You get a whole other podcast that I do called Let's Have a Fight where comedians have verbal fights, three rounds, and it's really funny. It's really fun. And let me treat you special when you become a premium member. Indeed.

20 bucks a year. Also get our app. Just go to your app store and type in the Harlan Highway podcast. And it's free. can get the app for free, you get the latest 50 episodes, and if you become a premium member, you get all 750 episodes. That's another bonus to being a premium member. So all kinds of great stuff, guys and gals, pavement powders. So I hope you get on board. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And it is an honor and a pleasure. And until next time,

you know the saying, chicken. Chau-me... Baby! I'm the creature from outer space. I got a mean and ugly face. Yay, whee, yu-y-g-g-ye.