The Harland Highway - 759 - GHOST STORY on the road. Spring rain! Animal fear.

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Harland plays a haunted theater and gets shown a ghost. The sounds of spring rain. Harland reads from his new comedy book. Why do animals fear us? Fear the rear!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yes, yes, yes, yes, welcome, welcome to the Harlan Highway, starting the show with a little bit of a quieter, quieter tone today, subtle tone. interesting show. I want to kick the show off with something a little supernatural. Yeah. I don't know if if any

of you have ever seen a spirit or an orb or a ghost. Have you ever been in a haunted house? Have you ever felt something go bump in the night? Have you ever if you ever

I don't know seen an object move without any real reason just maybe floating through the air yeah it was interesting I was recently I recently did this comedy tour

last week called the comedy party and it was me myself Tom Green and Paul We did this thing called the Comedy Party, and we played these very old theaters in the Midwest. Rockford, Illinois, and Joliette, Illinois, Dubuque, Iowa.

By the way, thank you to everyone who came out to the Comedy Party. Man, did we have a great time. Packed houses and really good stuff. but in the process of doing our tour it was a three-night tour we played two of the venues we played were very very old theaters and one of them was was very old and one of the stage managers told us that you know the marks brothers had played there and charlie chaplain and bob hope and Liberace and all these incredible performers had played at this theater that was built in the 20s and towards the end of the night she kind of let it slip that the place was haunted

and I was like what the heck you're talking about she goes oh yeah we've seen ghosts of like little boys and and various people um one of the ladies that worked there said you saw the ghost of a little boy dive behind some of the seats and keep in mind this is one of these huge theaters with the upper balcony and the opera seats and the the chairs are covered with like red velvet and chandeliers and just ornate and you know beautiful paintings up on the roof and and gargoyles and all these details it looks like you're you're you're you're waiting for, uh, you know, the creature from beauty and the beast to come out and start dancing. Um, so anyways, uh, she told me that, um, she, uh, she had seen a ghost. She actually

took a picture of a ghost. And I was like, whoa, she, she, like, pulled out her iPad and, um, and, uh, and, uh, you know, said, look, I got a picture of a ghost. And so I thought I'd start the show with a little bit of a ghost story. And I'll let her tell the story. I recorded her as she pulled out her iPad and showed me the picture that was very, very interesting. So have a listen to my little ghost story to open the show here on today's Harland Highway. picture. Okay, so you're in the theater. Tell me what you're in the theater, this huge, beautiful theater. Are you by yourself? No, we were having a show. You're having a show, and then you took your

camera out. I went up this aisle and went up into the landing up here. On the balcony? Yes. So when I got to the top of the stairs, I was making sure my flash was off because I don't use a flash in the theater. Was there a show going on while you were up there? Yeah. It's a wonderful life. They were getting ready. And I took an accidental photo in. Look at what showed up. Wow, I'd have sucked in here. We're here? Yes.

Looks like a guy in a suit. Yes. I can see the tie. No, if I was taking a picture on purpose, I would get a whole person's body. What's that light? That's the movement. It looks like a guy in an old suit with a tie on. That's what I said.

You can see his shoes and everything. You can't see his head. I wish you could see his head. But I did. know i was taking a photo of anything wow that's scary oh i think it's awesome and even the clothing looks old like from like how old is this theater the 20s 1926 is when they did their first show and his clothes look like they're from that era oh wow that's creepy tom come and look at this ghost she caught a picture of a ghost and it's like he's leaning in the windows up there and looking in

tom look at this she got a picture of a ghost isn't that crazy There? Yes. Yeah, look, he's got a tie on. I mean, see the glow and, yeah. That was in this theater. Isn't that crazy? Wow, that's amazing.

Wow. So you didn't know you took it until you looked at the picture? No. It's not. They're just not buying any shows right now, so there's no shows coming in. Oh, okay. So you didn't know you had a ghost until you went back and looked at that. I'm going to take a picture of this theater right now.

I was going through when I was deleting all the, you know, pictures that get fuzzy and messed up. And I had seen that, but I kept going to do the other ones. I almost deleted it. Was that with a flash? No. I was making sure it was awesome. So if I take a picture right now, I might get a ghost. You could get orbs.

Somebody got one on stage, and I couldn't find it. We had the table set up, and we were people up there, and some kid took a picture. How many times did Bob will perform here? Six. So there you go. Crazy, kooky ghost story. This picture really was quite amazing. And I did take pictures of the theater. I took about five or six pictures of the theater, the seats. I took them from the stage. And I looked at them very closely. I zoomed in. I looked at any little abnormality, any weird shadow, any weird light. And alas, I did not see a ghost in any of my pictures. pictures, maybe an exit sign, but that did not scare me very much. I've seen many exit signs in my life, and so I was not scared. So there you go, a little ghost story, and if any of you guys

have any ghost stories, please, please share them. You can write me at harloweems.com, and when you're at harlanwilums.com, the phone number to our voicemail is right there on the homepage. If you want to share a quick ghost story with me on the Harland Highway hotline and it's a good scary ghost story I will be happy to play that

it's always exciting to delve into the supernatural but let's let's shift gears here speaking of supernatural I wanted to share with you you know years ago i wrote a book called the things you don't know you don't know it's still still out there um still out there on the internet i think it's on amazon i think it's on uh you know

it's on my website you can you can get it on uh as a digital download you can order a hard copy um and basically it's a it's a book about all these incredible facts that you might not have known about, little things that might be right under your nose that maybe you weren't aware of. And so the reason I'm talking about this is that, you know, I'm starting my second book. I'm writing my second volume of the things you don't know,

you don't know, the things you don't know, the things you don't know, volume two. And I thought I'd share, give you guys a little pre-examination, sample of some of the things you will read about in my next book that's coming out soon. And as I said, these are just facts, little tidbits that you don't know, but you don't know that you don't know them, and that's the gist of the book. So let me get to the first one. Did you know that you could easily become a baby giraffe?

And I'm reading from my new book here as follows. many of us go through life fantasizing what it would be like to be a baby giraffe, to have its sweet disposition, soft, gentle stare, and calm, laid-back personality. This is the desire that eludes most of us, and the majority of people go to their graves, never having experienced the beauty and serenity that overtakes one once they become a baby giraffe. In the old days, a person would have to plan an expensive trip. to Africa. Safari out into the grasslands, tear off all one's clothes, paint large spots on the body, and run gracefully through the knee-high grasses. The perils of this are obvious, puncturing one's

foot on a sharp twig, or zebra vertebrae, stepping on a poisonous serpent, or worse yet, being ambushed by a lion laying stealthily in the brush. But as the seasons change, so So too do the requirements for being a baby giraffe. Today, it's much more cost-effective and practical. In fact, becoming a baby giraffe is something you could do when you first pop up in the morning, whether you live in a rural farm community or the most populated city in the world. The new adjustment comes to us unsuspectingly and unknowingly from the fast food industry. We've all ordered fried chicken at KFC or pop-up.

or anywhere that serves a good old-fashioned drumstick. And we all know the incredible bonding power of crazy glue, liquid glue found in any hardware store. Well, allow me to submit the marriage of these two products, chicken drumsticks and crazy glue. And before I give you the net result, let's invest in a little draft anatomy. The common draft is one of the most outlandish,

looking creatures on God's green earth. They have necks that can grow eight feet high or more. Who needs that much neck? Their legs are long and gangly and their faces are pointy and bumpy, but most curious of all is the two stumps perched atop their heads. What are these ambiguous protrusions? They're not antlers, and they're certainly not horns. Just what are the giraffe stumps? If you look close enough, the answer becomes quite evident. They are upside-down chicken drumsticks. Yes, unbelievable but true. Who knew that drafts carried delicious deep-fried chicken legs on the tops of their heads?

And it is from this realization that we come full circle and complete our quest to become baby giraffes. All we really need to do is take a few dabs of crazy glue, stand two chicken drumsticks, on their end and affix them to the top of our heads. Presto, giraffe stumps. In just four quick minutes, you have become the baby giraffe you've always wanted to be, and your head smells delicious. So there you go. A $4.99 in a four-piece family pack and bingo your baby giraffe.

Invest $4.99 in a four-piece family pack and bingo. you are a baby giraffe so there you go there's just one of the things you didn't know you don't know um and uh you know why don't we do one more and here's one that kind of plays into the theme of what we're talking about earlier ghosts and haunted things and again these are direct readings from my my next book the things you don't know you don't know volume two a little treat from my book. And by the way, it's not out yet. You're just getting, you're the first to hear it.

You're first to get free little samples. Here we go. Did you know that albinos are just ghosts that don't know how to float? Mm-hmm. That's right. Let's read. There are many different species of flightless birds.

Penguins, kiwis, emus, dodo birds, ostriches, certain ducks and cormorants also cannot float. It seems preposterous. They all have feathers, they all have wings, so how is it they can't fly? It's a question as old as the ages, and perhaps we will never know the answer to why they don't fly. But it does help us start to answer another question as old as the ages. Just what the hell are albinos?

With their haunting semi-transparent skin, powdery eyebrows and hair, and red Damian eyes, we have all wondered what are albinos. There aren't many of them relative to the living population, and conversely, there aren't many of them relative to the dead population. What? Yes, the dead and living population. We all know that one thing in life is certain, and sadly, it is death. And if you believe in poltergeist movies, then you know full well

that there are some lost souls that get trapped between the realms of the living and the dead. In essence, they are ghosts waiting for the moment when they will pass to the great beyond. And what do we know of ghosts? For one, they scare us. Two, they say boo a lot. And three, they float. Or do they? Of course they do.

But in all areas of our conceivable existence, we always must. account for flaws, abnormalities, for lack of a better example, birds that cannot fly. And this, my friends, is the plight of the albino. You see, albinos are just ghosts that don't know how to fly. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount, and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Albinos are the emus, dodoes, and ostriches of the spirit world, if you will. They wander among us, and are seen by us, they even blend in with us. Without the ability to float and hide

behind a furnace, up in an attic, behind a gravestone, then what option does a floatless ghost have? It would be rooted out in a second. Its best plan while awaiting passage to the next life is to buy low-profile clothes, shop, live, and eat with a living do. In essence, blend in. But there are many of you doubting my words right now. Preposterous is what you're thinking. Well, before you throw my theory out the window,

I urge you to do some investigation work of your own. The proof will become self-evident once you visit an albinos home. Yes, try to get yourself into an albinos home or apartment. It is here you will see clear proof that my ghost theory is accurate. As you walk from room to room, the kitchen, living room, bedroom, what have you? You will notice large holes in the drywall, holes measuring about the same height as the albino living there. living there. These punctured walls are the sad scars left by albinos that have repeatedly

tried to walk through walls. Yes, they literally have tried to walk through walls just as a ghost would. It's not abnormal. It's instinct. An albinos' half ghostly body almost has no choice in the matter. The way in which a newborn baby whale rushes to the surface to inhale its first breast of fresh air, so goes the instincts of the albino to want to walk through the walls the way a ghost does. Hopefully in time, over many generations of albinos, evolution will afford the albino the ability to float just the way a full ghost can. Until then, we wish the powdery critters all the best and hope that stitches aren't required when attempting to float through the next wall. so there you go um yeah i guess you know albinos are just ghosts that aren't ready to go yet

they don't know how to float so there you go a little sampling of uh of um my my next book the things you don't know you don't know volume two i'll keep you posted when that comes out by the way if you want to get volume one go to harlow williams dot com go to our uh go to our online store and look around under the book section and you can find the things you don't know you don't know volume one you know how to whistle don't you just eat you just put your lips together and blow okay let's let's do a question of the day this this involves um dating sites how many of you are on a dating site be honest be honest Be honest, how many of you are on Tinder? How many of you are on Farmers Only.com? Easy.

Here's a question. Here's a Tinder question. Okay? See if you have the answer. If a cucumber, okay, matches on Tinder with a C, sea cucumber, where do they meet? I mean, if the sea cucumber comes on land, it's going to suffocate and die, and if the cucumber goes into the water to meet the sea cucumber, it's going to drown. So how, what, how, why, how, How do they do it? How does a sea cucumber and a cucumber ever hook up, man?

And that's another question. When two cucumbers get together, which by their very nature are large phallic objects, large phallic shapes, who's doing who? And I hate to be naughty here. I hate to be rude, but who's putting it in and who's taking it? I mean, can somebody tell me what cucumber sex looks like? You know what? Maybe not. Maybe not. But on the topic of nature, this is a whole new topic, by the way.

Because this occurred to me the other day. And I found it very fascinating. You know, if you look in the plains of Africa, you know, if you ever watch a nature show in Africa, you know, you'll see elephants walking around with zebras, walking around with rhinoceroses, walking around with gazelle, walking around with Springbok, walking around with wildebeest. You'll even see foxes and birds, and, you know, you'll see animals mingling. Or if you ever go through the park, you'll see ducks and swans and geese all swimming together. You'll see pigeons running around with sparrows. You know, you'll see a deer walking around with a rabbit. What I'm saying is in nature you've got these combo packs.

Even in the water you'll see, you know, a turtle swimming with fish. You know, you'll see fish swimming near a snake. So what the hell is it about human beings that the minute we get near anything living, it just fucks right off to the hills. Do you know what I'm saying? It just goes, man. Like, you know, anything, any other living creature can go near,

another animal, unless it's a predator prey situation. If a, if a, you know, a gazelle sees a lion, it's going to high tail it. But most animals are very comfortable around each other, and yet when it comes to us humans, man,

animals want nothing to do with us. Like, hey man, look at, you know, did you see that guy over there walking? He looks like a nerd, dude. Yeah, I see him, man. I mean, we're just a couple of elk, right? Yeah, so?

And we're just grazing, like, minding old business. That guy totally looks like, you know, he's just hiking. He's got a walking stick and a water bottle. Yeah, but there's something about him, man. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like, I'm getting a really bad vibe. Yeah, just that blue sweater he's got around his neck and the t-shirt with the peace symbol on it. Yeah, like, you know, let's fuck off.

Let's get away from that fucking guy. That's a human, right? I mean, what's interesting to me is, as human beings, we don't have the capability to catch anything. Who here can chase a bird or a fox or a raccoon or a deer and catch it? We're like the slowest creatures on the planet pretty much. Lizards can outrun us. Mice can outrun us.

Maybe you could catch a toy. tortoise or a turtle. There's very few living creatures we can catch, and on top of that, most living creatures, their instinct is to bite or fight back. So why are they so freaking afraid of us? What

is wired into the every other animal on the planet's DNA? That they're just like, you know, I'm cool with everything, but those fucking two-leggers. Fuck those two leggers, man. I'm out of here, man.

Like, I'm gonskies. It's baffling because, you know, I think a lot of us like to get close to nature, right? We'd all love to walk up to a bird or something, you know. And it's almost like I take it personally, it's like an insult. Sometimes I'll even, you know, if I'm down by the ocean or something and there's some seagulls or a pelican or a cormorant or even a fish swimming. in the water, I'll kind of tread softer than normal. Like I'll lighten my steps, I'll

slow my pace. I'll kind of like adjust everything so that the animal in no way thinks that I'm any type of aggressor or a threat. But uh-uh, if you get within 40 feet of these things, they're fucking gone.

I mean, the only dummies really are dogs. Dogs will run right to you. Oh, there's the two lines. Oh, I'm going to go over there. I'm a dog. Thank God for dogs, right? They're the only ones that kind of look for humans.

But everything else, man, it's sad. And I guess my big question is, what is it about us that is so feared and hated and reviled? It's just like that they know something. We don't. They know that humans are untrustworthy, that humans are bad news. Humans are up to no good. But is that really fair? I mean, you know, maybe 1% of all human beings are actually like hunters. It could be a little more or even a little less. But how many of you listening, you know, are the type of person that throws a rock at a moose or has a hunting rifle or a bow and arrow? I'm sure a few of you do. But even then, how do the animals know that we have these weapons that are able to kill them? Well, what is it about us that they just freaking fly, man? I don't know.

Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe if they didn't, we'd have animals all over our backyards. We'd be like sunbathing and a mountain lion wanders up. Hey, you smell like coconut, and that means delicious. I don't know. But even, you know, I walked up to a butterfly the other day that was sitting on a flower. I'm thinking, surely this butterfly is so engrossed with the delicious nectar and pollen that it's so eagerly consuming that it's just going to let me approach and watch it.

No. I get within like four feet. That thing's gone. I don't know. Even insects hate us. Even insects try to move away from humans. What are we? Who are? Why are we so, why are we such the outsider? What did we do? They just, they just must know that humans are, are we assholes? Is that what we are? Do they know that they're like, okay, humans are cool, but there's always that one stupid kid in the group that wants to throw a rock at my head? And that's probably true. There's always that one idiot that instead of petting an animal, he wants to, like, drop a brick on it or throw a rock at it or something. But I find it fascinating that animals across the board pretty much sense that human beings, beings are trouble and there's something in that that makes me wonder if somehow we're not

these weird outsiders that maybe we did come here from an alien race maybe we didn't evolve from the great apes maybe we were dropped here by some type of alien life force because you got to think if god created us with all his other creatures why would why would he make us the less lethal of all why would you make us the one that most all animals are petrified of we don't have any natural weapons we don't have fangs we don't have claws we don't have horns we don't have we don't have you know we don't have speed we don't have the agility or the the the power that other top predators have. I mean, truth be told, if we got into it with a deer, the deer would, if it was a fight to the

death, a deer would probably win. Because they've got that unrelenting muscle and, and, ah, I don't know. I'm just insulted. I'm hurt. Why can't I just wander up to a bear and stroke it lovingly under the chin? Why can't I roll an alligator over in the mud and rub it's belly? Hey, little fella, how are you? You, how are you, you 20-foot long man-eating machine? You know, why can't I walk up to a giraffe and stand under its belly and tickle it? He-he-he-h-h-h-tri-tickles, he-h-h-h-h-draff tickles, he-h-h-ha-ha-ha! I don't know, man. But listen to this. Outside, I'm going to walk outside. I'm switching gears because it's raining

I want you to hear this rain I'm walking out onto the deck do you hear this do you hear the rain I'm outside it's warm I have my shirt off I'm standing under the canopy

of a roof on an outdoor deck and the rain is pounding down. Doesn't it sound soothing? It's kind of relaxing, isn't it? Beautiful summer rain? Well, spring rain, I should say. Listen to that. I'm just going to shut up for 30 seconds so you can hear it. Something very romantic about that.

I'm not trying to seduce you, I promise, okay? I'm not trying to seduce you. I really just wanted to share that with you. I was in my studio, and I decided to walk outside, and, you know, there you go. think we'll end the show on that that's very soothing and pleasing to the ear and uh just get you in a relaxed mode yeah drift off to sleep or drift off to work drift off to your life whatever you're doing i'm gonna leave it right there with the spring rain coming down

thank you for listening today a little bit of a mellower podcast today some deep reaching thoughts sharing literature questions ghost stories kind of a fun one a big big mixed bag today of stuff spring rain um let's uh let's do a few little announcements here well i have your ear Don't forget this weekend Yes This sorry not this weekend Next weekend I should say April 28th

Through the weekend I will be in Edmonton, Alberta Thursday Through Sunday At the comic strip At the West Edmonton Mall And then we're doing a special show

Monday night In Red Deer, Alberta Red Deer, Alberta at Joe's. And Red Deer is a wonderful city right between Calgary and Edmonton. So if you can't get to Edmonton to see me, we're doing one night only Monday, May 2nd in Red Deer, Alberta. Great place. Go online, go to Harlow Williams.com, check it out. I might not have posted the Red Deer gig yet because we just found out about it.

So I will get the info up and get you all the information so you can get tickets. Also, the following two weeks later, May 12th, sorry, May 13 and 14, you can catch me in New York City at Gotham. Gotham Live in New York City, that's May 13 and 14. So I hope we see you there. played in New York in almost a year, just under a year. So I love playing New York. Also, if you want to write me, you can write me at Harlan Williams.com and look for our phone number there.

You can also leave me a phone message. Don't forget to get our free app. Type in the Harland Highway in your app store, and you can get the free app. Also, hopefully you'll become a premium member for $20. You get all this bonus material. So I think you'll enjoy that. So there you go. Let's leave it all there.

And I was going to go up with some music, but I think I'll go back outside and see if I could catch some more rain for you. End it with a little spring rain. Yeah. here we go thanks for listening everybody we'll see you next time and until then chicken

chamein baby Thank you. Thank you.