The Harland Highway - 760 - QUEEN ELIZABETH calls in on her birthday. Crazy news stories!

Episode Date: April 21, 2016

Queen Elizabeth turns 90 today and calls the show to celebrate. Crazy news story, and Harland's PISSED OFF segment. Off scoff!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yay. Oh, yay. Goodbye to you. Why am I saying goodbye to you when it's the, this is the beginning of the podcast. Whoops, technical blunder gang. Hey, this is Harland Williams and you are on the Harland Highway listening to me, Harlan Williams, your host. Great show today. It's Queen Elizabeth II's 90th birthday, and she's going to spend part of her day with us. She's going to call in and kind of tell us how she spends her birthday, what she's doing, some of the activities. It should be warm and fun and friendly. I can't wait until we talk to the Queen of England on her birthday. Also, I'm going to be ranting.

I've got some stuff I'm pissed off about in my new Harlan's Pissed Off segment. We'll be letting me vent a little and hearing back. from some of the pavement powders about said venting. Also, a crazy news story, and this isn't good. It involves a bullet and a testicle. And it's not a new kid's book called Barney the Bullet and Tommy the Testicle. It's a crazy news story here on this crazy podcast. So we get all that going on.

It's going to be fun. Put the pumpkin on your head. Let's go. This is the Harlan. What is this, some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is found out.

That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man.

You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. You're starting to piss me off, you little pigly some bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off.

These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man! All right. All right, I got a doozy. I got it, this pisses me off. Oh, this pisses me off bad. because this could get me sick, okay? Listen to this sound.

You know what that is? That's somebody coughing their brains out. I actually recorded that. I only got a little sample of what was a lot of coughing. And guess where I was? Trapped in an airplane. Yeah, the guy in front of me in the seat right in front of me.

Coughing and wheezing and coughing and those were the nice coughs. Here, listen to them again. Yeah, those were like some of the mellow ones. I wish I should have recorded more. It kind of struck me as we were kind of landing how much it was irritating me. And I thought, man, I should record this guy for my podcast. And I tell you, man, and listen, I know we can't help it when we cough. Okay, so this is one of those, this is one of those, it pisses me off just for the sake of venting.

We've all been sick. We all have to cough. We all get colds. We all get the flu. It's horrible. So I can't really fault anyone, but it doesn't mean I can't get pissed off. You know, every time he did it, I cringed, I rolled my eyes. Held my breath.

I thought I better hold my breath for a few minutes, just hoping that a Zika virus doesn't roll back here. His cloud of spray and Ebola flam doesn't crawl over the seat and get in my lung tissue. I'm just like, oh, God, dude. Could you be sitting in the back by the toilets? Did you even have to come on this trip? And that's me just being bitchy. Look, I've been that guy on the plane, the coffer.

So like I said, I can't really be mad at the guy. I'm just, it just, it sucks when you're trapped. When you're in the airplane and you're trapped and you're sharing all that air. And they're right in front of you. And you're worried you're going to get sick. But just you got to hear it. Oh, it's really, it's really. disgusting. And it makes you almost make you all of a sudden, you know, I don't know why it's always

the Asian people, but this is my observation. I don't see anyone but the Asians wearing like those masks over their face at the airport, like the SARS masks or whatever the hell they are. They look like they're about to go into, you know, oral surgery on someone. Hello, welcome to Terminal for a flight to Miami at 3.45, before you board the plane, please lay down in the chair and I remove your wisdom teeth because I have all the gear on my face. I mean, they really look ridiculous. And I'm always like, what's with the people with the, with the masks over their mouths? And then I get it. You get on the plane with one of these like swine flu victims. And I'm like, man, I wish I had a mask.

I wish I had a muffler from an 18-wheeler truck. I wish I was sucking on a muffler filtering, you know, all the Ebola coming through the air. I wish I had a cheese cloth. I wish someone put a burlap bag over my head so I could filter the scum floating in the air. Oh, man. It's horrible. And it just sounds sick, and it sounds, oh, and when you're on a long flight, man, and you can, you know, I actually did this. I actually kind of, I think it was kind of like displaying or acting.

I was like, if I was by myself, I wouldn't have curled my nose and squinched my face and rolled my eyes, but I kind of sort of did it so the person beside me could see it. Not the, not the guy in front of me coughing, but I, for some. reason I needed to vent and I kind of wanted the person sitting next to me to, you know, see that I was thoroughly appalled and disgusted. Somehow that was subconsciously important to me. I'm like, well, I better, I better make a big horrible face the next guy that, next time that guy coughs. I want the person beside me to know how much I disapprove of old, yo, Mucinex Willie up in front of me.

So there you go. That's what I'm pissed off about today. And, you know, like I said, I can't really be mad at anybody because we've all been that guy. But I'm just, my feelings at the moment was I was really pissed off. I just hated this person. And that's not fair. I can't. But it didn't stop me from being really pissed off.

So there you go. That's today's piss off session. And then listen to this. got a phone call, listen to this phone call from one of my earlier piss off sessions where I was pissed off about the people at the gym who fill their giant water bottles at the drinking fountain instead of going into the bathroom and doing it under the tap. Listen to the feedback I got when I got pissed off of that. Hey, Harland. Just heard you're upset with people who fill their water bottles at the water fountain, at the gym.

I got to admit, I'm one of those people. I'll totally do that. Here's why, though. It's so much colder than the tap. It's refrigerated or something before it comes out of a water fountain. It's better. It's always better. You can put the bottle on your neck and your head when you're hot.

But, you know, I'll take your advice of mine. Maybe I'll just fill it halfway now. I don't piss you off and lying behind me anymore. All right. Ciao, Maine, Arlen. Oh, man. See? Oh, God.

Now I feel kind of bad. I mean, I did rant about it. I do get pissed off about it. But this collar, this pavement pounder sounded so nice. It sounded like such a friendly guy. But if I, you know, I hate to say this, but if I was at the gym and he was in front of me, inside and he was like filling up his water bottle inside. I'd be like, oh, this son of a bitch. And that's the, that's the dilemma about being pissed off. Because when you're pissed off,

you're really just channeling all your own like angst and anxiety and anger and frustration. And a lot of time it really doesn't have anything to do with the other person. Or maybe it does. but sometimes, here's what it is. I think sometimes I think people do it on purpose. So let's say this guy who sounded so nice and pleasant, and I feel guilty now, sorry, dude. But let's say he was in front of me in my head. I'd be going, oh, why is this guy got to be such an asshole?

Doesn't he see him here? Why is he doing this to me? You know, it's kind of a self-absorbed. It's like, oh, why me? Why are you singling me out to do this, right? And meanwhile, he's just innocently walking up and doing what he's doing. So you personalize this stuff, and thus you get the pissed offness. So there it is.

So my apologies, I guess, sort of, to the water bottle. The water bottle people, try saying that nine times drunk. The water bottle, the daughter blotter, the otter's daughter. The blotter got her. But then, and again, I kind of don't because sometimes isn't it fun to be pissed off? It doesn't it sometimes it's kind of like if you're having like a normal day and all of a sudden something kind of get your blood boiling and get your temperature rising. Sometimes it can kind of, you know, cut up your day. Sometimes it's fun just to get all riled up for no reason and then move off.

Maybe not. What the hell am I talking about? Now I'm pissing myself off. So there you go. I'm sort of sorry to the water bottle guys. I'm sort of sorry to the coughing guy because I know he couldn't help it. But at the same time, I'm not apologizing for being pissed off. So there, I'm pissed off about those things. And I'll be pissed off again until my next segment of me being pissed off. off there oh good to get that out hello hello hey it's shelley it's shelly it's shelly hey harland it's shelly um what do you think of my about my imitation of you doing an imitation of me um just want to say been enjoying the show and hope that the stand-ups going oh what's that oh Shoot, I got to go. That's my phone ringing. Bye. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What? Just, okay.

Well, I guess just Shelly had to hit the road and get a phone call. Wow. Hey, Harland, it's Shelly. It's Shelly. Oh, what's that? It's Shelly. It's Shelly. Hey, Harland, it's Shelly.

Oh. Hey, it's Shelly. Oh, what's that? It's Shelly. Oh, hey, Harland, it's Shelly. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, we got it. You go get your phone. Call me back another time.

We got it, Shelly. Thank you for calling. We love Shelly. But she had to go get her phone, apparently. So let's just move on, okay? Oh. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. Wow, that's strange stuff. All right. This one's got to be a dozy. This is a fine, fine headline right here for a crazy news story. Here it is. Bullet Lodges in Man's Testicles, Wife Charged in Shooting. Hello!

This happened in Florida. Gee, go figure. Victoria Reed 60 was arrested and jailed Wednesday on aggravated assault battery and domestic violence. charges for shooting her husband in his left knee in such a manner that the bullet traveled up his thigh and lodged in his testicles. Yikes. Holy God. I like the way this bullet traveled. Since when does that happen? Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and EVE.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. and 100% free shipping.

Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian.

A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. We're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August day. This is where the story really starts Weapons Bullet travels Yeah listen I won't be home for four days

I'm going traveling Well where are you going honey I'm probably going to go to some man's testicles I'm sorry Yes I have the urge to go to some testicles Honey Don't don't question me. I'm going, I'm traveling. I'm traveling. I'm going on a sabbatical to some testicles.

Okay. According to a report from the county sheriff's office, the shot was apparently fired during a confrontation with her husband of 16 years over an affair. I don't know. That's a pretty good shot. If, you know, if it's over an affair, which usually involves sex, testicles is right where you want to shoot your lover who's cheating on you. So I got to wonder if this was traveling or this was like a direct shot. The TV station reporter that Reid demanded her husband sit on a couch and told him that she was going to maim him and give him a post-traumatic stress disorder, which she said she also suffers.

She taunted her husband and threatened to shoot him in the face and chest and kill him, official said. The man's condition is not known. Well, how about, I'll give you his condition. He's the victim of a lunatic wife. That's his conviction. How about you go see a doctor? A doctor, you know, I can't figure out.

What do I have? Mr. Smith, you have a crazy. Biosch wife. That's what you have. Okay, do you have pills for that? No, but if she shoots you in the testicles, I can prescribe something. Okay, I think she's capable of that. I like the way she made them sit on the couch. Now, baby, you just sit right down there on the couch, okay?

Because I know you've been fooling around with Aubrey. Oh, she told me. She showed me pictures. You're saying here's some dick pics and whatnot, so here's what we're going to do, baby. You sit down on the couch, okay, get yourself comfortable because I'm going to fire some gunshots all around your head, or I might even shoot you right in the face, just to cause you some post-traumatic disorder, you know. You know what, screw it, I'm going to shoot you right in the knee, and I got these special bullets are called travel testicle bullets. And what they do, you can shoot them anywhere in the world. I could shoot it into the wall, I could shoot it into your shoulder.

I can shoot it into your foot. These bullets, baby, they train to travel wherever they are. They travel right down the wall across the carpet, around the TV, up your lazy boy chair, into your foot, and right up your leg into your big, fat hairy testicles. So it don't matter where you go. This fucking bullet is going to find you, you cheating son of a bit. So I don't know. I mean, it's lucky, I guess, that the bullet lodged.

his testicle. You know, you don't really want it exploding the testicle or coming out the other side of the testicle. Testicle. I get a little nervous just talking about this. So lucky this guy survived. Hopefully he got the hell away from this nutbag. And hopefully, you know, they can remove the bullet.

This guy can make a necklace. and wear it around is Johnson. Hello! Harland, you got a phone call on line 6. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, crap, I almost forgot. Thank you, Roger. Thank you.

She's on the line? Oh, my God, this is so excited. Okay, I don't know how many of you follow the royal family in the United Kingdom. Queen Elizabeth turns 90 today, all right? Queen Elizabeth II, I should say, turns 90 years old today. Unbelievable. So she calls the show from time to time,

and she said she wanted to reach out, share the celebrations with us. And so we got her. Can you put her through, Raj? Okay, awesome. Here we go. Queen Elizabeth II on her 90th birthday. What a treat.

Hello, Your Highness. Are you there? Queen Elizabeth? Hello? Yes, yes, Your Highness. Wow, what an honor. Hello! Yes, it's Harlan Williams at the Harlan Highway podcast, and we're very excited.

Hello! Yes, we're here. Hello? Your Highness? Oh, just a second. Oh, my goodness. I've been holding the phone upside down. Hang on a second.

Hello. Hello, Your Highness. Oh, there you are. You old scandal. Yes, yes, Your Highness. Happy 90th birthday. My goodness. Oh, well, you know, somebody's got to turn old, don't they?

Well, I guess so, Your Highness. And what a milestone. I'm sorry? What a mile. Milestone of a birthday. I don't think I know what that word means. A milestone meaning it's a, what a big eventful, you hit 90.

Okay. You're 90, Your Highness. I think you've made that point. Please move on with it. Hello? Yes, we're here. Your Highness. Do you have any big plans for your birthday, your 90th birthday?

Oh, yes, we've got all kinds of wonderful things planned. First of all, I'm going to get my whole teeth cleaned. I'm sorry? I'm going to get my teeth clean. You see, they're 90 years old, and they look like I've been eating fudge for the last 12 years. Are you saying your teeth are dirty? I'm not saying they're dirty.

I'm saying they're disgusting. They look like they're made out of chocolate. We're going to have all the scum scraped off the royal teeth, and we're going to make royal fudge and hand it out to all the peasants. Wait a minute. You're going to scrape the sludge off your royal teeth and make fudge? That's right, royal fudge, and we're going to give it out to all the peasant. We got to the edge of the gate and throw it over the gate.

You're going to throw your boiled teeth fudge to the people, to the... I don't know why you're calling them peasants. Well, if you're not royal, you're a peasant, really? Well, that's not really a way. Now, secondly, you'll go to the movie theater. I'm sorry? The theater. The movie, what, Your Highness?

The theater, you fucking idiot. Whoa, whoa, whoa, your highness. Well, I don't know how many times I have to say it. Either you've got wax in your ears or you're sitting on a dirty blue handle. Your Highness, I, no, the way you pronounce, are you saying theater? That's right. The theater. Okay, so you're going to the movie theater.

And what I do is I save up some of the yeast in the royal chamber, if you know what I mean. What? The yeast in the royal chamber. The yeast in the royal chamber. I save it up in the royal nappies. The royal nappies, and you go to the theater. The theater? Okay.

And what I do halfway through the movie in the dark while all the children are eating their popcorn. I scorn around in my seat, I lift my royal legs, I pull off the royal napies full of royal yeast. Oh my God. And I swill the napies around in the air, and I fling them at the screen. Oh my God. Last year I went, and I hit Bram Pitt right in the forehead. My nap is stuck right in his forehead. Your Highness, I don't know if that.

The yeast sticks to the screen, and my nap is slowly crawled down the screen. They slide down like a slug on a potato. Oh, my God, that's horrible. Your Highness, I don't know if that's how you want to spend your birthday. And this coming from someone who's got a dirty broom handle up their anus. I don't have a dirty broom handle. And then lastly, and this is exciting, we're good to do it right now. If we could commence, Charles, please turn on the ceiling fans.

What are you doing, Your Highness? We're turning on the ceiling fans. Okay, why are you turning on the ceiling fans? In the palace, we have 25 ceiling fans. Okay. And every birthday, what I do is I rip my shirt off like I'm at an iron maiden cock. What? You rip your shirt off. I tear it off like I'm in the marsh pit in an island-made concert.

Wait, wait a minute. I tear it right off, so the royal tartars are hanging down almost to my waistline. What are you talking about? My royal tartars. Are you talking about your breast, Your Highness? That's what I call them, Tatars. Wait a minute, you rip your shirt off. off.

You let your breasts hang down. Oh, yes, they hang low, the nipples point right to the ground. Oh, my God. I have aerolars that are shinier than most toilet seats. Oh, my God, your highness. Well, don't forget, we do have a royal ariolai polisher here at Buckingham Palace. Oh, my God. Did you just say a royal arioli polisher?

And then what do? Turn the ceiling fans on quickly, quickly! I don't understand why you turn the ceiling. There they go. I can hear them. There they go. Turn them on. Full blast, please.

Full blast. Why are you tearing your top off, letting the royal... Tatas hang down? Yes, why are you doing that with the ceiling fans? Because once a year has a treat to my top. Tatar's, a Tata treat, I call it. On my birthday, I lit my hanging dressed meat. My Tatar's flap in the wind like seagull feathers.

What? Have you ever seen a seagull or an albatross flap its wings? Of course I have. Well, that's what my royal Tatar's look like when we turn the ceiling fans off. Quickly and quietly and fast. Oh my God. Speed them up fast. Here we go. Here we go. What are you doing?

Listen. Oh, you can go. Here we go. Oh, you can hear my tautas flapping in the wind. Are you telling me your 90-year-old breasts are flapping in the wind? Oh, my God. They look like ice cream sandwiches without the ice cream. Oh, my God. Listen to them slapping. Oh, the sweat. Oh, oh, oh, won't you kick me in the eye. Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, there's another one. Oh, they're really flying around right now. Your Highness, I don't know if you should be letting your Royal Tata's flap in the breeze. Oh, shut up. You've got a dirty broom handle up your ass. I don't have a dirty broom. Oh, wait in the forehead. That's going to leave a wilt.

Your Highness. Oh, oh, oh, hold on. One of them stuck in the crowd. My left taco has flipped. They're laid up onto my head and it's wedged in the crowd. Oh! Oh, my Aeriali! The Royal Aeriali is stuck between one of the points

and one of the other points on the Royal Crown. Ow! It's pinching! Ow! The other one is plumping in my face! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! My eye! Oh! My nose is bleeding!

Somebody turn off the damn ceiling fence. Oh, my goodness, so there you go. There you go. So much from the Royal Tartas, snapping in the wind like albatross wings off the cliffs of Doja. Oh, my God. Can I send you some royal fudge? You mean the crap from your teeth?

Yes, we've been scraping it for the last two days. No, I think we've got. to go. Turn up the ceiling beds! Ow! Oh! Oh! Right up my nose!

I've got to nipple up my nose. Oh! Hang up on them! Oh, right to my eyeball! Ah! Oh my god! What the F was that? Holy crap.

Turn the... Are they gone? Wow. Wow. Okay. I'm shutting the show down right here. Forget it. You know, I thought we'd have a real nice thing that the Queen Elizabeth II celebrating her 90th birthday with us, and we get teeth fudge and royal nappies and breast slappings. Just unacceptable. My listeners deserve better. They deserve more. So I'm going to end it right here. Right here.

Let's do some quick announcements. For those of you that want to see me do some live stand-up comedy, I will be in Edmonton, Edmonton, Alberta, April 28th through to, let's see, May, I guess May 1st. And I will be at the comic strip in the West Edmonton Mall. Great Club. We usually sell that puppy out, so please get your tickets online at harlornwilliams.com. The comic strip in the West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta.

And the following weekend, or two weekends later, I should say, I'll be in Gotham in New York City at the Gotham Live Comedy Club. This is a great club. I love playing there. So come on out and check it out. Also, please, while you're on the website, harloweems.com, check out our store. We have all kinds of great merchandise. Also, you can write me and leave me a message. Or if you want to leave me a voicemail, the number is there.

323-739-43.3.3-3-3-3-3-3. You can leave me a message about anything y'all want. I look forward to hearing from you. I might even play your message on the air. How about that? Also, get our app. A few people have called in and wrote in saying that they've had a few little issues with the Harland Highway app.

Please forgive. That's because the people who created the app are doing upgrades and updates to it. So every now and then it might act up on you. but just you can either update it or reinstall it, and it should be fine. We apologize for any of those little glitches. They happen from time to time, but the reason they happen is because we're constantly updating the app

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Harlan Highway, plus all the special content that I do and all kinds of great stuff. So for $20, please join our premium content. Oh, yeah, baby. and that's it for now gang I hope you're doing great thank you for being here as always and we will catch you next time on the Harlan Highway podcast

and until then happy birthday to the queen and chicken chau-main baby can I send you some royal funge