The Harland Highway - 763 - SENIOR FUENTES in studio. Harland gets PISSED OFF.

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

Harland's new PISSED OFF, segment airs again today. Calls from Pavement Pounders, and SENIOR FUENTES, Harland's gardener, drops by. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Little Red Corvette Oh wow I'm still mourning print a little bit Still thinking about them But you know what Let's move on let's move on We're here to do a podcast Let's have some giggles

We can still mourn but we can still move on Welcome to the Harland Highway I'm saying it in a sexy voice Because it is the sexiest podcast in the world Just kidding Welcome to the Harlan Highway I am Harland Williams, your host. What a show today.

I'm going to be doing one of my pissed off rants today. Wait to you hear what I'm pissed off about this time. And then I'm also going to hear some of your calls about what you're pissed off. Sounds like some of you were pissed off about what I was pissed off at. Also, one of our pavement pounders calls in with a ghost story. I'd asked if any of you had a ghost story, and one of our pavement pounders actually has a ghost story. Ooh. And Senor Fuentes is coming by today.

I don't know why. I don't want him to come by. He's my gardener. He should be gardening. Why he comes by my studio on the 12th floor. I don't get it. But he is. Also, some other phone calls from the pavement pounders.

And we're going to have a lot of fun. Okay? So let's get all garlic ready. And this is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello? Yeah, this is Blake from Dallas.

I just wanted to share my ghost story with you. It happened one day I was at work. and I had a customer whose yard I was treating and I was pulling a bunch of hose to the fence. I opened up the gate to the backyard and there was this old man sitting there and he was wearing blue overalls. He had white hair. He looked to be about 80 and he looked like physically there and as if there was an actual person standing there. and he was doing something weird he was just standing there

like staring at the fence and he was like very close to the fence and he was just kind of standing there staring at it really intently and I thought okay that's weird because I opened up the gate and I didn't like startle this guy or anything

he didn't look over so I thought okay that's very strange so I reached down to grab more hose that I drove to the fence to finish the backyard and when I looked up the guy was gone so that's my story wow that is pretty scary yikes um yeah i had asked you guys if you had any ghost stories and uh whoa that is uh that is some scary stuff when you're when you're in the

proximity of what you perceive to be a spirit or a ghost and it sounds like uh according to the phone call we just had. This happened in the middle of the day. Gentlemen working out in the yard on a job and looked up and there's this person standing there that wasn't there before the yard was sealed off. It was closed. And then you look away for an instant. And when you look back up, that so-called person or figure is gone.

A little freaky, man. I mean, I don't think there's a lot of people. people that get to see something as definitive as what you saw. I think people hear noises, they hear creaking, a door opens by itself. Maybe they think they saw something, but it sounds like you had a real good look at something standing there. And that's frightening, man. And what's interesting, it was out in a garden.

You were like doing some landscaping. Wait, what? Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, not you. What are you doing here? Oh, God. What are you doing here? Hello, senor. What are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? My name is Senor Fuentes. I know your name. You've been working for me for eight years. You're my gardener. Senor Fuentes. I know your name. I am in the middle of work. I know, senor, but I heard you talking. What do you mean you heard me talking?

Well, I heard you talking about ghosts and things like that in the backyard. So? Well, I thought I should let you know, senor, that while I was working in your yard today, there was some paranormal activity. What do you mean there was some paranormal activity? Things started happening all by themselves, Signor. I was not touching anything, and all of a sudden things started moving. What are you talking about, Fuentes?

It's the middle of the day. What were you doing? I was raking the yard, Signor, I was trimming some bushes, and all of a sudden it happened. I did not even touch anything. Well, all of a sudden, what happened? Oh, senor, it was terrifying. I will probably have to take some time. time off with full pay, of course.

What do you mean take time off with full pay? I'm just talking maybe two or three months because I was so terrified and traumatized by the paranormal activity in your yard, Signor. There was no paranormal activity in my yard, and you're not getting four months free pay without working. But, senor, I'm telling you what happened in your yard was beyond supernova.

What are you? There was no supernatural in my yard. There was no ghost. There was no paranormal activity. Well, I don't know how old you explain it, Signor, but all of a sudden, it started coming up from the ground all by itself. What started coming up from the ground all by itself? Water, signor. What do you mean water? It was haunted water, signor. It was haunted water, signor. It was probably water from the graveyard or from the nether world underneath where all the dead people are. Water from the graveyard in my yard? See, senor, it was, well, I guess it was 2 o'clock right on the nose, and all of a sudden, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, up came the water. What do you mean 2 o'clock?

It happened on other days too, Signor. It wasn't until I listened to this show that I realized it was bare and normal activity. Probably water from the graveyard. Are you... What do you mean water popped up? The sprinklers, Signor, they went on all by themselves. The sprinklers? See, Signor, I was terrified.

I ran behind a tree and I was shivering and shaking. I'm sure maybe I'll need four or five months to get over the trauma. Are you telling me the sprinklers popped up out of the ground at two o'clock? See, senor, I did not even, I don't know how it happened. They just came up all by themselves. It was horror. I screamed like a little boy on a field hockey team with shivering and crying. Fuentes, you idiot, senor.

My sprinklers are on an automatic timer. They come up every day at 2 o'clock. Well, are you sure they're not haunted, senor? They're not haunted, you idiot. They're on a time spring. You know this. You've been working for me for six years or eight years or whatever it is. Why don't we say nine and you can pay me for the extra year?

I'm not paying you for the extra year. The sprinklers aren't haunted. They come up on a timer system. They're automatic every day. What's the matter with you? Well, they certainly scared me, Signor. Oh, all of a sudden, they scared you. And they never scared you before?

Oh, they did, Signor, but I didn't want people to think maybe I was seeing things, quote, unquote, and that Senor Fentas was perhaps crazy. Oh, you're crazy, all right. So about that five months of free pay so I can go and relax. You're not getting free pay. The sprinkler system isn't haunted. It's automated, you idiot. Now get back to work.

Well, are you sure maybe, do you have the phone number? What phone number? You know, for the Ghostbusters, Signor. There's no number for the Ghostbusters. The sprinklers aren't haunted. They're automated. How about that dog? What do you mean, how about that dog?

You know, Scooby-Duby-Doo, where are you? He looks for ghosts. Maybe he can help. I'm telling you, they're not haunted. Get out of here. Get back to work. Scooby-Duby-Doo, where are you? Senor Fentes is on a four-month sabbatical in Baja.

Can I have another margarita, signor? Please. up. Stop mixing the Scooby-Doo theme with your fake free pay. Well, maybe I have to call the city and let them know that you're not calling anyone. Get home. There's work to be done. Zoix. What? I just said Zoic, seor. What does that mean? That's what Shaggy from Scooby-Doo says when he's sees a ghost. Next time the sprinklers pop up, I will say, Zoinks. Would you get out of here and get back to work? Okay, senor. Scooby-doo. Where are you? Get out of here! Zoinks!

Get the hell out of here! Like, okay, senor. Like, okay. Stop talking like Shaggy in a Mexican accent. Get out. Boo! What did you do that for? Did it scare you, signor? Yes? Well, now you know how I feel, you asshole. Get out of here!

Scooby-dooby-doo-do where I... Get out! We got some sprinkler action! Walk to the door! Keep going. Gooby-dooby-dovy-doo-doo-dy-doo-d-d-di-d-d-d-d-d... God! Why do I even keep that guy on my payroll?

Nutbag Just comes in here I'm trying to work You pissing me off And you know what I think that You know what Roger

Hit the thing Since I'm already pissed off This is a good time To play The pissed off Theme Do it Don't piss me off

This is Harland Williams And you're really Pissing me off Oh you're starting to piss me off You little pigless some bitch Bitch Yeah You're

You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck. These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man. Oh yeah, thanks to Senor Fuentes for putting me in this frame of mind. Here it is. Here's what's pissing me off lately. Oh, so pissed off. I'm turning into Charles. Oh, Nelson Riley.

Here it is. We've all been in the elevator. All right. We've all got in the elevator. And usually when you're in an elevator, you're going somewhere. You're usually going to an appointment or a meeting or to your hotel room. And it's one of those rides.

you don't really want to be interrupted, right? You kind of just want to, it's a small, confined space. You don't like being in there with people. You just kind of want to get there and go. And here's where I get pissed off. When people come in, let's say I'm on the ground floor and I'm going to the 15th floor, okay? Put yourself in my shoes.

Be me for a minute, you lucky bastards. So you get on the ground floor, you're going up, and all of a sudden, your elevator stops on the eighth floor, okay, which is weird because usually elevators, once they start going up, they just kind of go all the way up. It's when you're coming down that they seem to stop a lot and pick people up. But once you get on the ground floor, you usually go up. It's rare that people in a hotel or an office building are kind of like going up to another floor. But it happens. So I'm on the ground floor. I go up.

Someone gets on on the eighth floor. I'm going to the 15th floor. They walk over and press the little button. Bing! And guess where they pressed it to? The ninth floor. Yeah. They went from the eighth floor to the freaking noise.

floor what the fuck's the matter with these fucking people oh they can't fucking go to the fucking stairwell and climb up some fucking stairs fucking 15 fucking feet to the next fucking floor they gotta come on my fucking elevator and slow down my fucking momentum hey what's the fucking matter with these lazy you know what I mean that's just that's just what goes through your head, man. It's like, seriously, you're gonna take the elevator up one freaking floor

dude or dude that? And maybe I can get it if it's a girl and she's at work and she's wearing like the high heels, you know, the office shoes and it's a little tough to walk up and downstairs. Maybe I'll cut you some slack.

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You know, one freaking floor. Like, take the stairs, you jack wads. Right? Am I right here? Friends, people, citizens, of planet Earth? Shouldn't people just take the stairs if they're going one floor? I guess I have to look inside myself and go, have I ever been that guy?

Have I ever been the jack quad that's gone up one floor? Yeah, I guess I have. I guess, you know, none of us want to really take the stairs. And the stairs are always kind of creepy, aren't they? Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why we take the one floor. The stairs in hotels and office buildings and parking garages, they're very iffy. If they're not kind of really vacuous and gray and spooky, because there's like nothing in there,

there's always just kind of this weird hollow hum, right? It's like the pulse of the building. It's the empty chamber. It's the little side corridor where there's no one's done any decorative work. It's just like raw cement and brick and metal railings. And it's kind of spooky in there. It's very empty and ugly. Or maybe you get in a hotel.

Or there's like smashed beer bottles and wine bottles and, you know, some junk people from the prom have been like partying in the stairwell and there's like cigarette butts out on the concrete stairs or even worse man you go to a parking garage holy crap you might as well step into an outhouse at a at a roadside rest stop or a coa campground man i don't know what it is but homeless people or drunk people or just people in general love to piss in the stairwell of parking garages. Oh, yeah, man. And it is, I don't know what it is,

if it's because the air is so still back there, but it just permeates. I mean, you don't just walk by the smell of urine in a parking garage stairwell. It literally lifts itself up off the floor and wraps itself around you like a blanket. You ever see one of these emergency rescues from a river or someone falls through the ice

And the rescue teams pull people out of the ice And as soon as they get them on land There's like nine people there throwing a blanket around them That's what the piss stain does In a parking garage stairwell, man It looks like a shadow on the floor It's a big dark stain It looks like a shadow, and it literally gets up off the floor and envelopes you.

It wraps itself around you like a cloak. I don't know if you ever saw that movie Ghost at the end when the bad guy was getting chased. All these shadows started to come to life off the wall and out of the darkness and out of the corners. They started to climb up off the street and wrap themselves around. The bad guy that tried to kill Patrick Swayze, his best friend. trying to kill him or did he had him killed that that that that scene where all those shadows wrapped around that guy and killed them that's well that's with a pee stain and a parking garage stairwells like man so maybe my my pissed offness and the appropriate word pissed

Maybe it just got transferred from people taking one floor on the elevator to the creepiness and dirtiness of stairwells. Or maybe this is a double pissed off bonus feature. But either way, I'm pissed off. Stop taking one floor. Go put your rubber galoshes on and wander through the piss and the cigarette butts. and the broken glass, and the vomit. Oh, yeah, there's vomit in those stairwells, too.

Just wander through it like a trooper. Keep a pair of rubber galoshes beside your desk at work. And tough it out, you lazy, bastards. There, I feel better. I got it all out. Thank you. Excuse me. I was going to let it go two weeks ago when you were getting on about this water bottle thing at the gym.

My gym has a water bottle filler attached to the water fountain. So I feel that your anger is in the wrong place, Harlan. Your anger is real. I get it. You're thirsty. You're tired. You're hot. You want that cold, delicious water.

But the guy that called this week is perfectly right. He wants that cold, delicious water, too. Putting the bottle on the neck is great. So, I'm just saying, instead of being mad at the guy who wants cold delicious water, why don't you tell your gym to get their shit together? Chicken chal mane, baby. Wow, all right. That caller was pissed off, too, and I think he's right.

I like that answer. I really like it. You're right. the damn gym should provide a little water bottle filler station, right? It's their gym. It's incumbent on them to keep their customers happy. I think you're on to something, man. And at the very least, it occurred to me that, you know,

and the issue is people using the water fountain to fill their water, bottles. It's something I was pissed off about several podcasts ago, but we're still getting calls about it. At the very least, maybe the gym should put a little placard up that says, please do not fill your water bottles at the drinking fountain. There's a difference between drinking and filling. Okay? When you're filling a bottle, you're not drinking. When you're When you're drinking, you're drinking. So maybe they have to do that. They need to have a filling station for water bottles.

And the other issue is, too, that when you use a water fountain, a water fountain shoots up and arcs. It looks like the St. Louis arc, right? So filling a water bottle is kind of inaccurate because you're not getting a direct stream of water. You're kind of capturing the water at the end of its arc. Whereas if there was a water-filling bottle station, they could just have it in the wall and you could lift a tap

and the water could shoot straight down into your bottle and fill it twice as fast, blah, blah, blah. So excellent suggestion. I hear your anger and your pissed-offness on top of mine for a pissed-off sandwich. and I dig it, man, you're right. You know what, let's switch gears out of being pissed off, and let's take a call where someone was actually really happy.

How about that? Hey, little fish and chips. It's your mom and dad, Gabriel and Carol. Oh, God. We just wanted to tell you how much we loved your show and Brian this evening. I'm so proud of you. We are so proud of you, son. you and your crumb cake of a comedy show

and we want to thank you so much for being the greatest and the comic on the planet and we look forward to the next time we get to see you down the road and you are just the absolute best, darling. Thanks for talking with us after the show. That was very nice of you. We had a great time and you You are the man, and talk to you later.

Oh, and chicken chalmane, baby. Yes. Wow, how about that for a nice, kind call? Holy smokes. Wow, thank you so much for that wonderful phone call. This wonderful couple, and I never got their names. They might have told me their names when I talked to them after my recent stand-up comedy show in Brea, California.

But sadly, I forget. I do apologize, but, you know, I meet so many people. I forget sometimes. But these were fantastic, a fantastic couple. They had come to see me before down in Irvine and probably a few other places. And when I walked out on stage in Brea, just about a week and a half ago, two weeks ago,

before I'd even said a word, these wonderful people stood up, they were in the front row and gave me a standing ovation as I walked up on stage. Talk about great positive energy. Wow. And everyone could see them, obviously, because they're right at the edge of the stage. And, you know, they were just there, and they were clapping, and they were smiling and laughing. And it was like so wonderful and nice of them to do that for me.

and so as a joke, when the laughter settled down a bit and the clapping, I said, ah, thanks, Mom and Dad. I love it when my parents come to the show. Kind of as a joke as if they were my supportive parents, and thus them telling me they were so proud of me and all that stuff. But they were not my parents. They were just adoring and wonderful fans of what I do, and I so appreciate, you.

your kind words, and your positive energy, and that's great. And I'm sure we'll see you down the road. As I said, I think I'm going to be in Irvine, California later this year. I've got to figure out what the date is on that. Oh, here it is. It's November. I just flipped open on my schedule, and it's November 3rd to the 6th in Irvine, California, the improv. I know that's way down the road, but.

At any rate, I'll probably see those wonderful folks there. And thank you again for that. And I appreciate you coming to the show. For those of you guys that haven't been out to my live stand-up comedy shows, please come out, find out where I am, and come join the fun. I hate to brag, but I put on a damn good show, folks. I really do. It's a mixture of killer material.

It's a mixture of me talking to the audience and improvising on the spot in the moment. It's a mixture of making up a new material on the spot. It's a mixture of just giving it. You know, whenever I go out to do a show, I give it. I give it 150%. And I really put on a show and put it out there. and I bet there's a lot of you listening that have never seen me do live stand-up. So if I'm in your town or city, come on out.

I don't think you'll be disappointed. If you are, you need to call me or write me and let me know because I'm very proud of the show that I do for people, and I don't think many people are disappointed. So thanks again. If you want to see where I am, check my schedule at harlandwilms.com. You can find my stand-up tour link there, and a lot of great clubs still to come up. Let's see.

Next week, I will be in New York, New York City, at Gotham, the Gotham Comedy Club, right in Manhattan. Great club. I'm going to be there May 13th and 14th only. And then later in the year, my God, I got all kinds of great clubs coming up. I'm going to be in Utah. I'm going to be in Kansas. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh. I'm going to be in Minnesota.

I'm going to be in San Jose. I'm going to be in Denver. I'm going to be in San Diego. I'm going to be in Irvine. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio. I mean, we're just getting started here, folks. So if you're in any of these cities, come on out and witness the nutcake that I am. And, you know, as our gracious caller said, you know, I'm usually there at the end of the show to shake hands and spend a few minutes talking to people.

And, you know, who knows, we could actually have a moment and chit-chat. So there you go. And I think we'll leave the show on that cheery, positive, upbeat phone call. Thank you again. And if you want to call me, because I love to hear from you guys, whether it's a ghost story, or whether you're pissed off, or whether you're challenging me, or you're agreeing with me, or whatever it is. You can sing a song if you want, like this guy. I'm the creature from all the space. I got a mean and ugly face.

You see? You see how easy it is? So there you go, man. You can call me 323-739-433-30. That's 32-3-739-433-30. And if you can't remember that number, it is on the website, harlomwiliams.com. There's also a link, a contact link. If you don't want to talk, you just want to write me something,

I do read all the emails. And if you do call my system set up, so it rings about six or seven times before the machine. picks up. We're trying to get that fixed, but it's a little bit of a waiting period, but it will pick up. Don't give up and hang up the phone.

You will get put through. It's just a voicemail. You won't be talking to anyone, so you kind of have the freedom to say whatever you want. And the good, the bad, and the ugly, I love to hear it, and I might put your call on the show.

While you're at the website, harlornwilliams.com, check out our store We have incredible gifts and merchandise that we can ship to you. Hilarious T-shirts, the Magic Fuck-Off t-shirt. You've got to see it. Go to the site. There's a little video. You can watch and see how the Magic Fuck-Off t-shirt works.

It's quite spectacular. People love them. We have books. We have digital downloads. We have artwork. We have all kinds of great stuff. So please go to the store. Also, I want to thank my premium members more and more.

premium members are joining all the time. I'm adding material just for you. You get your own private crop of material. And from live stand-up to special interviews to my whole other podcast, let's have a fight. It's only $20 a year. Plus, you get access to over 700 archived episodes of the Harland Highway podcast. From the very beginning up to the latest 50 and then the latest 50 are free of course but if you're a if you're a premium member you get all the back catalog for $20 that's 700 episodes that's like binge listening i don't know if you've ever been watched on binge watched on netflix but it would probably take you like a year to listen to all my podcasts for $20 are you joking so uh i

I appreciate all those who have joined to help out. It kind of covers my costs a little with all this podcast stuff I do. And I love bringing you guys premium material. And for those of you that are thinking of joining, I thank you in advance. Jump on board for 20 bucks. Again, I don't think you'll be disappointed. And if you are, you can just bail. But I think once you're there, you'll want to stay.

Like I said, New York, May 13 and 14 at Gotham Comedy Club. Going to be awesome. Get there. And lastly, I'll remind you, download the app for your phone. We just had it updated. There were a few little glitches, but the update is available now. And you'll see it. It will show up in your app store with all your other updates.

It's totally, totally free. The app, you can listen to the hard. Harland Highway, wherever you go. The most current 50 episodes are totally free. 20 bucks for the premium. And that's it, man. Wow, what a show Ghost Stories, Senor Fuentes. I got pissed off.

I mean, good Lord. So we'll leave it right there. Hey, everybody, thank you so much for listening. I hope you had a good time. Had some laughs. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. Come on out and see me at the comedy clubs. And until next time, everybody, chicken, chameen, baby, boo!

What did you do that for? Did it scare you, signor? Yes. Well, now you know how I feel, you asshole. Get out of here!