The Harland Highway - 767 - OZZY OSBORNE calls in to discuss his divorce. Private parts.

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Ozzy calls in to discuss his split wish Sharon Osborne. The strange things that our private parts do. INKY the octopus has escaped! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, my goodness. What a wonderful podcast. I just love it. All right, that was not a glowing endorsement. That was a low-energy, lame-ass intro. So let's do it right. Hi, everybody. This is Harlem Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway, the incredible podcast of which I am the host. Thank you for being here. Great show today. Oh, my goodness. we have a crazy news story about a creature from the sea that is on the loose. Watch yourself. Yikes.

Very interesting. And then also, we're going to be talking, it's going to get a little sexual. We're going to be talking about the things that men and women's private parts do. It's a little unsettling. I'm not comfortable talking about those things, but I was kind of pushed into the conversation by one of the pavement pounders. So we're going to be talking about men and women's private areas.

Also, Ozzy Osbourne is calling into the show. Oh, my God. I guess him and Sharon Osborne split up. And so he's going to be calling in and we're going to be talking to him about what the hell happened.

So stay tuned for that. It's going to be a great show. It always is because this is the Harland. Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello? Harland.

Just listening to your last show. Oh, boy. Woke up, sweaty. Hold back. covered in sweat, slippery. Okay, okay, yeah. What, hello? Anything else?

Okay, well, I guess somebody, like my show made somebody wet. I'm glad you're wet. That's an interesting concept getting wet. And, you know, this might get a little into a little graphic area here. But it's kind of interesting that, you know, the difference between men and women, when it comes to being aroused, it's kind of odd that, you know, a man, when he gets aroused, pardon me for being graphic again, but when a man gets aroused, he gets erect. And when a woman gets aroused, she gets damp. She gets wet.

She creates moisture. Like a tropical rainforest or a marine layer. She generates moisture down there. A man's body physically grows bigger, which is a bit of a freak of nature to begin with. And a woman's body generates moisture. Very strange.

Very strange. These arousal signs. Very odd. And I'm not a woman, obviously. I can play one on TV, but I'm not one. But I got to imagine that could be a little uncomfortable if you're out and about let's say you're at work or you're riding the subway or you're you know and you're sitting there in your nice dress or you're in your jeans or whatever you're

wearing and maybe you start fantasizing or daydreaming or maybe the guy sitting across from you or you see someone that's hot and sexually arouses you and suddenly you're dealing with Oh, boy. This is tough for me to talk about. You're dealing with a marine layer coming in? Oh, boy. You're dealing with moisture? Oh, oh, in a certain area.

I don't want to say gravy. That's just gravy just feels a bit lumpy and inappropriate, but, you know, syrup. Is it sap? I don't know It's just I'm wondering if it's awkward for the ladies And and and and and what is the you know With the erection there's a limit okay The erection can only go so high and so far

On each man it caps out But with a woman When do the waterworks stop Does the moisture keep coming? No pun intended. Oh boy. Does it does it dole itself out

accordingly so as not to make a small puddle on the ground so as not to embarrass the woman who's creating the moisture by dampening

her groin area and leaving a big wet mark? Wet. Slippery. I mean, what are the limitations of the moisture? And I'm sorry we have to talk about this, but this caller said he woke up wet and moist. Oh, boy. Woke up sweaty.

Whole back covered in sweat. Slippery. So it's his fault that I'm having to talk about this. But how does a woman cope when she starts walking around? Is there noises? Is there like a... I mean, does it sound like a seal got up out of the ocean and is walking along a sidewalk? Does it sound like an octopus crawled out of the sea and is pulling himself through a drive-thru?

I know, it's horrible, but it's not my fault. It's this guy. Hold back covered in sweat, slippery. This guy made me start thinking about that, and I'm just having a... an honest conversation. I'm not trying to be vile or rude or, you know, degrading to women, but it's a natural organic function that happens, and maybe us men don't understand it. Oh, boy. And it just seems odd. You know, what, when you're running, when you're, when you're sweating, when you're exerting your body, you sweat, you generate water. When you cry, you generate watery tears oh boy but when a woman gets excited and generates oh boy moisture and I

don't know that it's water per se that's the thing I don't know what it is oh boy it's gooey sweaty and it's slippery I don't even like talking about it but this guy made me talk about it this guy whole bat covered in sweat slippery sweaty slippery, sweaty, slippery, sweaty, and all righty. Stop it! So I guess what I'm wondering is, is it uncomfortable? I know that if a man is out and about and he's on a subway or at a restaurant or in church and all of a sudden, he pops a boner in his pants,

that's uncomfortable, that's, that's a situation. So I'm wondering if a woman. When she gets excited, does she... Oh, boy, forget it. Thanks for calling, you son of a... You son of a... Oh, boy. Rice, a rumy.

The San Francisco tree. Hello? Hello. Hey, Arlen. There's a couple of pavement powders here. Banksy, Nick, Calvinstown. Just saying, we love your show. You have a filthy mouth.

Oh, boy. Great. Thanks to that guy. made me talk about something whatever let's move on let's just move on Roger let's just go to something else

so I'm not talking about that stuff anymore please the Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird That's strange stuff All right let's switch gears here And well

You know, Roger, you just sent through this crazy news story, and it kind of... I did mention octopus is in the last segment. And now the crazy news story, here's the headline, oh, brother. Here's the headline, Inky, the octopus escapes New Zealand aquarium, makes it to the ocean. Holy jumping. Listen to this story. A well-loved octopus named Inky escaped recently from the National Aquarium in New Zealand. The aquarium manager says the lid to the octopus tank was left slightly ajar after maintenance one night.

He said he found this rather tempting, climbed out. And he managed to make his way to one of the drain holes that got back to the ocean, and off he went and didn't even leave us a message, just off he went. Yeah, you'd think something with eight arms could at least write you a message. You know, you use four arms to lift the lid, three arms to crawl down the side of the tank, and, you know, the eighth arm to write a little goodbye note. How inconsiderate, Inky?

Well, don't blame me, I'm just an octopus. I don't know how to write. Well, you should learn to write if you're smart enough to get out of your own tank. Why don't you try swimming underwater, you stupid ass what? All right, Inky. It also goes on to say octopuses are fabulous escape artists, and it's absolutely not surprising that he saw an opportunity to explore, and he took it. According to the

Aquarium Octopus escapes from aquariums are common Well if they're common Why not build a better lid? Hello? Put a brick on top of the lid I don't know that Octopuses can move bricks Oh, you'd be surprised what we can move

Enkie? Well, it's true, you know Enkie? I'm just saying you don't have to give me any attitude, ass face. Anki! The drain pipe in New Zealand aquarium was about six inches wide. Octopuses can typically squeeze through an opening as small as their mouths or beaks, as that is the only hard part of their body.

Well, I think we already discussed that in the earlier segment. I'm not going there. You have a filthy mouth. Yeah, I heard from one of my other pavement pounders. I mean, seriously, a whole segment about boners and the liquid between a woman's legs. Anki? Do you know if that liquid is salty at all? Because I'm a saltwater creature.

Stop. Anke! I'm just asking. Anki! It says their muscles are less like our biceps Wait, their muscles are less like our biceps than our tongues So they can flow in any way that even if our muscles were detached from our bones Our muscles could not do

All right, I don't even know what I just said there, but I'm reading I'll try it again Their muscles are less like our biceps than our tongues so they can flow in any way that even if our muscles were detached from our bones, our muscles could not do. That's just messy. It too got me confused. Enki?

I'm just saying... Can I finish, Enki? Okay, go ahead, ass face. A slime covering Inky's skin would have prevented it from drying out as he oozed from his tank to the drain that led to his free. freedom. And the suckers on his tentacles, which octopuses can use to taste food, would have also helped propel him across the floor. I've got a whole bunch of suckers, fucker.

Enki? I'm just trying to rhyme. Well, that's not rhyming. That's rude. Oh, really, sucker, fucker. Stop it. Each sucker... Fucker. Inky? Each sucker, Sucker, stop.

Each sucker can lift an enormous amount of weight. According to the aquarium, a three-inch diameter sucker on a giant Pacific octopus can lift 30 pounds. Well, there goes you brick on top of the tank theory, ass face. Inky? Would you cut it with the insults? The curator of the,

of the aquarium says Octopuses get out of aquarium so frequently not because of their Houdini-like escape skills nor because they're lonely their solitary creatures Tell me about it But because they are generally Super Curious

Kind of like that little monkey Curious George I guess so, Inky I guess so Enky Fucker Anki It doesn't mean that Inky was unhappy where he was.

Oh, really? Would you like to be in a fucking cubicle for the salt water? Astronauts don't go into outer space because they don't like Earth. They just want to see what else is out there. The aquarium said Enki was brought to the aquarium from a nearby reef just a few years ago,

so it's likely he'll be able to survive in the wild. Who wants to go back to the ocean? man, I'm going to the playboy mansion to live in Hugh Hefner's swimming pool. I bet there's a lot of that pussy juice you were talking about it. Enki! Would you knock it off, you foul-mouthed freak? Lord Almighty. You're like a nasty little octopus.

Can I finish? Go ahead, finish. God. And while Inky didn't leave a note, There was a different tell-tale sign that he did indeed escape and wasn't stolen. A trail of water from his tank to the drain pipe of freedom. So you left a trail of water, huh? Well, maybe it wasn't water.

What are you talking about? Maybe it was that pussy juice you were talking about. Anke! You're the one that brought it up for a woman gets a fog bank. She makes gravy. She makes syrup. Enki, I was trying to forget that segment. Well.

All right, thank you. Go back to the ocean. What a weird story. But I'm happy for Enki that he got away. I mean, how many animals probably longed to get out of their cages at the zoo or, you know, fish out of their aquarium and to make it back to the water? I guess what I'm curious about is Maybe the aquarium was right near the ocean

But I don't know It seems like a treacherous journey To get into a drain pipe And successfully make your way all the way back to the ocean That's almost like a dirty, smelly version Of finding Nemo Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's like that scene in the Shawshank Redemption when the guy, you know,

broke out of the prison and he had to smash his way into the sewer pipe and crawl through human waste for half a mile until he plopped out into the drain ditch, you know, 400 yards from the prison. Good Lord. Well, anyways, this is a happy ending. I'm glad Inky made it back to the ocean and his success in being an escape artist worked out. And yet one more entrapped animal.

is free thacker inky you have a filthy mouth crab apples all right let's move on to something this is a little gossipy but I'm sure you know it sort of interests

most of us and it's kind of sad to see or maybe it's great to see you never know the inner workings of somebody's marriage but it looks like Sharon Osborne is splitting up with Ozzy, Ozbourne, who I always liked Ozzy.

You know, I was a Black Sabbath fan back in the day, and I kind of always felt like Sharon Osbourne rode his coattails to become a celebrity. Because, you know, look at Sharon Osborne, and she's not really talented at much. She's not really that spectacular at much. She's kind of famous for being married to a famous guy. And, you know, I just always found her like a bit of a parasite that she's always, you know,

who cares what Sharon Osborne has to say? Had she married some guy named Larry Smith in the suburbs, we never would have heard of her. But she kind of ran with Ozzy's name and, you know, kind of became a chat show host. and some people think she's kind of charming and likable. I kind of find her a little bit manipulative and annoying. But I guess Roger tells me we have Ozzy Osbourne on the phone today to talk about the breakup. And I guess this won't be an easy call because this is a fresh wound.

But is he on the line, Roger? All right, let's patch him through and let's talk to dear old Ozzy. and see what the hell's going on. Ozzie, are you there? Hello, Ozzie, are you there? I go on. I'm going to get my fucking a little thing around.

Hello? Yeah, I might be just getting a lemonade or something. I'm out of a raspberry lemonade or something. Hello, Ozzy. are you there? Hello. Yeah, Ozzy, it's Harlem Williams here at the Harlan Highway. How are you?

Oh, it's Holland. How are you in Harlem? I'm good, Ozzy. Listen, I know this is a sensitive time for you to be talking, and I know you're going through a lot right now. She left me. Sharon, she left me. Sharon, one second she was there, and the next second, I couldn't find her. Yeah, well, that's the way it works when they walk out the door, Ozzy. I know, but I woke up in the morning, and she wasn't in the house, and I'm like, I was like, Sarah. Okay, and I'm going to share.

Okay, and... Oh, then I took a dump to me, and my... I'm wearing an adult diaper now, and... What, you're wearing an adult diaper? Yeah, get me a lemonade, please. I said, are you wearing an adult diaper? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm going to, I'm probably in 75, you know,

down. I used to be able to just yell for Sharon. I'd be like, Sharon, you know, no problem at all my, and now if I yell too hard, I'd take it and they're going to dump to my fucking adult diaper on. Oh, well, uh, okay. So, so, can you talk to us about what, what happened between, uh, you and her, Ozzy? Well, I mean, she got tired of me in my antics, so, you know, waking up on the kitchen floor

with a fry pan on my head and, you know, waking up in so nice the mornings I'd wake up in the car park with, you know, in the backseat of the car. I mean, it was really awful, Holland. So you were just, You're falling asleep in weird places and doing weird things?

I guess the real, what really got Sharon kissed off is when I had sex with one of our dogs. We've got all kinds of little dogs, and I, you know, my eyesight's not as good all on my hearing. And, you know, she walked in and I was having sex with one of our poodles. You were having sex With one of your poodles, Ozzy? I mean, I didn't know How was I supposed to know? I mean, it was, it was long, it was heavy, it was nice

It was, you know And I mean, it really felt good, of guys I've been with a lot of chicks And this one, you know, it got really hot in there Wow Um What was the incident at your daughter's school?

Oh, I went to the parent teacher meeting for Kelly at a school, and this was a few years ago, so I don't know why Sharon's still going on about it, but I, uh, you know, I fucking, uh, I fucked one of the lockers on. You, you fucked a locker. Well, it was open. It was hanging open in the hallway, and I just, I think. You know, I pulled down my pants and I took out the old bat stick and I just, you know, started fucking in the, you know, in the hallway there. And it was, you know, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I don't think you fuck a locker, Ozzy. Well, you know, if it's going to be open and present itself like that, I don't, well, wouldn't I fuck a locker? Okay, so you, you fucked a locker and you fucked a dog. Is there any other reason why your marriage dissolved? Was there communication problems? Was there... I'm sorry? What are you?

What do you need to communicate problems? I'm sorry, I can't understand you all. Ozzie? Oh, is it what way are you? Can you ever come in a crime from? All right. Can you slow down a little? I'm having trouble hearing what you're saying.

Oh, he said, all? Well, what are you making me in a cream? No, but they said. All right. Well, I can't understand a word. Your mumbling seems to have gotten worse as you've gotten older. Well, I'm not. You know, all.

I mean, she can't. understand me and then she's, you know, she's obviously got communication problems. Okay. Um, was there anything else? Was there,

was there any drinking involved? Well, you know, the Hall of McCornington and science, you know, if you don't, if you don't drink,

you're fucking dehydrate and die, right? Well, yes. We all have to drink. We, know that, Ozzy. Right, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, why am I any different? You know, if I wake up in the morning and I have, like, three or four bottles and, you know, Jack Daniel and a bottle of spin off, and, you know, like, you know, 10 or 12, you know,

fucking burn-wise and coronas, I mean, well, what am I supposed to do just dry up and die Holland. You're not supposed to dry up and die, Ozzie, but, you know, you're supposed to drink water, lemonade, gatorade, orange juice, apple juice? Well, I mean, you know, sometimes I mix those in with, you know, the other stuff, and it's fucking delicious, really. Okay, and what about drugs? Were you doing any drugs?

Well, not your all. I mean, you know, I'm a fucking rock star, mate. I mean, you know, do you know any rock stars that don't do drugs, Ireland? Okay, well, it's one thing to do them when you're out on tour and you're younger and you're in the band, but are you telling me you do them now while you're still in the middle of your marriage? Oh, I mean, if you fucking heard Sharon's voice, I mean, they're fucking Australian bullshit on. I mean, you have to kind of fucking do drugs together. it's fucking, you know, block it out

and a fucking voice that she's like fucking up. Oh, come on now, Ozzy. Oh, Ozzie, can you please stop fucking the dog, Ozzie? Ozzy, why are you fucking the locker, Ozzie, are you drinking? You know, that's fucking fucking fucking bullshit.

And who would have fucking lived with that when I was fucking high as a fucking code fucking Coedine and OxyCotin and fucking heroin and Clark all them. Wow. Wow. You really are a handful, man. What are your kids think about all this? The rock kids.

I said, what do your kids think about all this? Well, I've got kids. What do you mean? Have you got kids? Well, you mention kids. Do you all have kids? Yes, you have two daughters and a son. Oh, okay, what's the name, son?

What do you mean? What's their names? You know what? I don't really like to me, these fucking kids. They don't like me at all, because, you know, if the girls are looking good, or maybe I like to fuck them. Did you just say what I thought you said? Well, you know, all that is, you know, you know, what a girl's,

a fucking bird's thing. She needs a good daddy like him, you know. You're not... Wow. I think I'm starting to see why Sharon had some difficulties with you, Ozzie. Yeah, well, you know, it's not my fall on.

If she can't fucking keep the shit together on, you know, having a go at the dogs and, you know, stuffing me meat in a fucking loco, or, you know, having a little fucking drink to stay alive, and, you know, Maybe she should go out with a fucking priest Go out with a priest. By the way, I fucked a priest once

and I was 19 back in London. All right, all right. You know, Ozzy, you've got a lot of fans out there. Boy, you're a piece of work. Is there anything you want to say to your fans before I end this call? Oh, yeah, if that, if you have... Is any of you a good-looking at all, I'd like to fuck you?

Did you just say you want to fuck your fans? Well, I know, if I got a lot of them, is that someone who got a big little fucking bastards? All right, thank you very much, Ozzy Osbourne. We're sorry about your split up. Thank you for calling in. What about you all, what do you look like? Because I don't sound like I'll have a go at you, you dirty little schoolboy. Goodbye, Ozzy.

Come on, stick your head in the locker hall in and I'll fucking plow you like a fucking Oklahoma cornfield, you dirty little monkey. Okay, hang up on him. Good God. What the hell was that, Roger? Jeez, Louise. Whoa. I am a little... little too shaken up to continue, I think. That was most disturbing.

Oh, my God. You know, it's always sad to see somebody's marriage come to an end, but I think we all kind of felt Ozzy was a beloved character, but yikes, he is a little, little out there. Yeesh. Well, let's close up the show. I think that's a good closing point right there. Hey, if you want to leave me a phone call and tell me about your night sweats and, you know, leave any type of comment you want, please call. The number is 323-739-43330. It is an answering device, so that it rings about six or seven times before it picks up, but hang in there. You'll get your call recorded. and you have about two, three minutes to leave whatever message you want to leave. Also, you can write to me at harlandwiliams.com.

We have a contact link there. And if you can't remember the phone number, 323-739, 43330, the phone number is on the website. And you can call or write. Also, well, you're at harlandwilums.com. Check the harland highway, merch store, which is in there. We have all kinds of great merchandise you can order and have sent to your door. And please, please, please join the premium members who are getting all the bonus material by becoming a premium member. Ozzie, again, making me cough. Become a premium

member, and it's only $20 a year. You get all almost 800 backlogged episodes of the show. You get the most current 50 shows for free. You get bonus stand-up comedy material. You get bonus interviews with characters, bonus interviews with Harland, bonus interviews with friends. You get my complete other podcast. Let's have a fight.

Oh, my God. There's so much there for $20. a year, and I think you'll really enjoy it. My thanks to those of you who have joined already. I've been getting great feedback from all the premium members. I'm glad you're enjoying it. And that's it, man. To get the premium membership, just download the Harland Highway app, which is free.

You don't have to become a premium member to download the app. It's on your phone. Just go into your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. And boom, you got the app free. Very cool. Way do you get it. And enjoy it. Hopefully I can keep you laughing wherever you may be.

So there you go. Thank you for being here, everybody. And watch out for Octopi wandering around in the streets. And until next time, chicken. Chalmaine, baby. Oh, boy. Sweaty. Slippery.

Oh, boy. Thank you.