The Harland Highway - 769 - Harland visits the Tonight Show. Burping lunch.

Episode Date: May 25, 2016

Harland thinks he might be a bird?? Harland visits the Tonight Show. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Harland Williams, and, man, we had a crazy week here. We had some technical difficulties with Monday show, podcast number 769. And now we had some trouble getting it up and running, and a bunch of you rode in and called and said, hey, we can't get it. We can't download it. So we had to deal with a bunch of technical issues. and now it's Wednesday, tomorrow's Thursday, and so what we're going to do, it would be stupid to release a podcast today and then Thursday.

So we're going to combine 769 into Monday and Thursday. It's kind of like a 69. It's like the Harland Highway is doing a 69 position one on top of the other, blended together. So think of this is the 69er episode. So we apologize. this is like the first time where we've had to kind of miss an episode

but it was due to some technical snafus so some of this podcast you will hear is kind of a day outdated but then I updated at the end and we're talking about bodily functions we're talking about the Tonight Show we're talking about how you rate talent

all kinds of fun stuff let's do it episode 769 the Harland Highway What are I? What is this, some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams.

You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Yes, yes, here we go. This is the Harlan Highway podcast. Welcome one and all. Good to have you here. We got a great show today, as always.

When don't I have a great show? I mean, what are you crazy? You think maybe I'm not going to have a great show for you today. Maybe you've gotten crazy. You've got a nutloosh in your head here. I wanted to bring up something that's slightly uncomfortable. I think this has happened to all of us. It happened to me the other day, and it got me wondering, man.

It got me wondering, who the hell am I? What the hell am I? What kind of living organism am I? And here's what happened. I was out for a walk. Okay, I was out for a little walk, just strolling down the street on a nice sunny day, people all around, you know, noises, friendly faces, footsteps in the street. And all of a sudden, and this is delicate, this is not for the faint of heart, but all of a sudden my body did something that I don't know that I understand. or like.

But I just did like an innocent little burp. You know, a little, little burp in my mouth. It wasn't allowed, like, you know, big loud, you know, I just drank three cans of beer burp. It was a subtle little burp. We've all burped. And during that burp, that subtle little burp that turned out to be not so subtle, a, how do I put this delicately, but you know, don't, don't shoot the messenger, but we've all

had this happen, I believe. That's why I want to talk about it. In that burp, in that burp action, if you will, a little cluster or a little pile or a little segment or a little mound. I don't even know how to, a little dollop maybe, I don't know, a little chunk, a little puddle of, of food that I had had, like, earlier that day came up in my throat, like, you know, just, you know, maybe a thimbleful, or maybe, you know, I don't know, a spoonful, a little tea, spoonful of what I can only describe as unregurgitated food. It wasn't vomit, like it didn't come from the bottom of my stomach, like vomit. It came up like little chunks. It wasn't fully digested. It wasn't in a super liquidy form the way vomit is. And I know you people are like, what

the hell is he talking about my I feel queasy but but I need to talk about this it it got me thinking so it came up like a like a little chunk of meat and and some of the savory condiments and flavors the garlic the little maybe a little piece of onion I know it's awful but I think you know what I mean it's like sometimes you do do this burp and and a little a little um little segment of your last meal somehow comes up with it. And you had said meal like, who knows how long ago, six hours ago, eight hours ago, nine hours ago, and suddenly you're walking around and if you're not willing to spit this stuff out, you've suddenly got this, you've got this memory of a past meal in your mouth.

It's like, oh, those ribs I ate eight hours ago, they're back. Boy, and you can still taste the taste. Like every single taste comes with it. And it's not a vomiting taste. Like I said, it's a taste that still smacks of what the meal tasted like. And so now you're walking down the street, smiling of people, and unbeknownst to them, you've got part of your, meal from eight hours ago sloshing around in your mouth. And I'm wondering why? Why do I suddenly

have rib meat and potato and onions in my mouth? I was, what? What? And all of a sudden, I got this, this primal instinct. I don't know if you've ever seen on the nature shows when the birds or the coyotes that the wild dogs of Africa that they carry their meal around in their stomachs. And when they get back to their hatchlings, or they get back to their cubs or their puppies or whatever you want to call them, they regurgitate. They bring up all the food in their belly and they kind of puke it right into their little baby's mouths for them to eat. And so here's me walking around.

the street of a big city with a mouthful of regurgitated, you know, prime rib and coleslaw. And I'm thinking, what if my primal instinct kicks in? And I start looking around for a baby. Suddenly, I'm grabbing someone's baby and I'm like, feed my child, feed. Eat the nutritious giblets, my child. The little babies like crying and opening its mouth like a little baby bird in a nest. Don't worry. Feed, my child.

I'm spitting up ribs and prime rib and catfish and all whatever came up. Feed, my child, you shall live, my child. I don't know. What is that? Is that why that happens? Why is there little piles of food coming up inside of us? I mean, I've studied anatomy. I think we've all studied human anatomy as Has anyone ever seen a little food pocket? We have our atoms apple, we have our thorax, we have our trachea, we have our esophagus. Is there, am I missing something?

Is there a little storage facility? Is there a little food reservoir, muscle or stomach somewhere hidden in my throat? Should I ever be lost at sea or deserted in the desert? Well, I should be okay for another day. I've got some fish and chips and a peanut butter sandwich right here in my throat suitcase. Delicious. Oh, that just tastes just as fresh as when I ate it 14 hours ago. Oh, my God.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, there's the gravy. You know, I wish I had a side dish. Boy, what I wouldn't do for some wonderful buttered corn. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, there it is. Good Lord. I mean, what do we chipmunks?

It's like you ever see squirrels and chipmunks when they're out hunting for nuts. They shove like 500 sunflower seeds into the pockets and their cheese. is that what we have, some kind of a reservoir, a food reservoir hidden in somewhere in our throats that I'm not aware of? Like, how could food just be sitting there all that time and not be noticed or swallowed? Why didn't it go down with the rest of the food? Why is it waiting around? Why is it slacking off, man?

So I don't know, uncomfortable, weird, I don't even like to talk about it. I know you're probably sitting here cringing, but I think it's probably happened to you guys, too. I can't be the only one with a food reservoir meat pocket in my throat. Eat my child. Eat the succulent ribby beef, my child. Don't mind that it's really. wrapped in a cocoon of phleg, my child. Good Lord.

So there you go. I'm a bit mystified. I'm a bit more than a bit disgusted. And what happens sometimes, I hate to admit this, sometimes instead of spitting out, I think I actually chewed on it a little bit. There was like a piece of meat. I think I actually like chewed on, like,

I'm like moved it around in my teeth. I'm like, wait, what's this? I'm like sliding it around in my mouth. I'm like, it's still like a fibrous piece of flesh from my baby back rims at Applebee's. I'm like, well, I better break this down better. Obviously, I didn't do a good enough job chewing the first time nine hours ago.

I best chomp down on this and shred it up more so I can get it down into my belly. Boy, oh boy. So there you go. That was a very strange experience for me. And real creepy. Yeah. But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Ms. Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never. These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the American people. Thank you. All right, well, let's move on to something a little more palatable, shall we say, something that we can stomach, if you'll pardon the pun. I had gotten a call for one of you pavement pounders not too long ago talking about the, or asking my thoughts about the,

the Axel Rose ACDC merger, and whether I thought it was a good idea, or whether I thought it was sacrilegious, or whether it was just a commercial, you know, buyout, all kinds of reasons. and if you listen to the podcast a few back, you would have heard my answer to that question. Well, the gentleman, John, from Illinois, who posed the question, he listened to the podcast with my response, and he in turn decided to call back

and leave a response on my response. and let's see if he liked what I had to say about Axel Rose being with ACDC or whether he was opposed to my thoughts and opinions about the subject. So here's his call. Hey, Arlen. It's John from Illinois again, from Peoria, Illinois. I was the one that called you and asked your thoughts on Axel Rose singing for ACDC, and I heard your reply, and I have to say, Harlan, you actually changed my mind,

and I think I called you with that reply, but now a new development has happened. I went on, I have a, I play guitar, and I went on a guitar group on Facebook, and I posted the question, and just kind of gave a little bit of, you know, my new insights from what you had told me. And it's, you know, I'm getting back about 25% say, you know, I'm a great, and 75% says, here, I'll read one for you. He's a talentless hack, and, uh, I don't know.

I, I, I, I, you change my mind. I have to, and I've heard them, I've heard Axel sing with, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. ACDC since then, I don't know what sounds good, man, and I think those people have to not either let's be a Guns and Roses fan or an Axel fan or I don't know, man. I liked a combination, and I didn't actually hear them until you had given your reply and changed my mind about it. And then I went on YouTube and kind of searched it up and heard him singing with him.

It sounds great, man. But 75% of the people on the guitar group I posted said it sounds like shit. But I don't know, man, I'm still with you, man. Like I said, you have a different way of seeing things, and you changed my mind. And I thought it was awesome seeing him play with English Young dancing around on the stage in front of him. And I don't know what was up with the wheelchair in the cast. But anyway, I just want to say thanks again. And chicken chamee, brother.

Well, there you go. Thank you for your response, John. You know, it's interesting how sometimes people are very resistant to change. They like things to stay the way they are. And I have to say that when it comes to bands, you know, there is the purity factor. I don't necessarily love it when a band finds a new singer or new members. It just doesn't, you know, somehow feel like the same band. It clearly isn't the original chemistry.

the original mix that made those bands popular with people. But sometimes, as I said in life, people get older, people get sick, people die, people change. Artists can have fights with each other and not want to work together anymore. And so I think we, the people, the consumers have to be open and we have to give artists some wiggle room. And you have to remember that they're not just artists, but like I said, they're there are human beings that need to make a living and have to express their art. And, you know, it's not easy to plug one band member into another band. It's not like they just go, hey, let's get this guy. You know, they probably audition these people. They spend time with them. They see if there's a chemistry. and I think the thing that stood out the most in your letter there, John, is that, you know, when someone calls someone a talentless hack, I think people have to be very conscious of their remarks

when they're sitting on their couch and, you know, look at their own lives. Someone like Axel Rose is certainly not a talentless hack. talking about a guy that took the rock and roll world by storm, who made a global impact, who sold, you know, hundreds of millions of records, who turned people on to rock and roll, who rejuvenated rock and roll to a degree at a time when people weren't rocking quite as hard as guns and roses. and, you know, there's a reason why people become so popular. It's because they have some degree of something that people like.

And so I always caution people who are sitting on their couches, who have never had the balls to go up on stage, who have never performed in front of a crowd, who have never even stood in front of a crowd and talked, Or maybe you have. Maybe you've had to get up and say a few words at a wedding or a birthday party or a work function and you realize how freaking intimidating and scary and hard it is. And you realize that's something you're not good at or you would ever want to do.

And then you go and sit on your couch and eat your Pringles and call a professional who's up on stage every night, a talentless hack. Uh-uh. I'm not going to let that stand. You know, people who get up on stage and perform their hearts out, and whether you like them or not, are not talentless hacks. I mean, half the talent that they have is the ability to overcome being terrified of performing in front of other people that they don't even know. That is a skill set on its own before you even get.

to how good they can sing or do comedy or do a play or. And you always have to remember that these people that put themselves up there and out there, it takes a certain amount of courage. And to just sit back and call them a talentless hack really isn't fair. Now, yes, there are artists who seem to be better than others. There's people who excel and don't excel, but to name call and insult people and degrade them is probably not the best way to go, especially when you're talking about a mega talent like Axel Rose, who clearly has a whole world of talent, or he probably wouldn't have resonated so hugely on the music scene.

It's one thing if you're at a nightclub, at a truck stop, and some guy's up on stage and he doesn't have a good pitch to his voice and his guitar's out of tune and his lyrics aren't very good and yada. Okay, you could say someone like that maybe has limited talent. But for those of you that like to be the armchair critics here, how many of you have got up and done karaoke? Why don't you think about that? Why don't you think about your karaoke persona and think about how shitty you sing and how out of tune you sang and how stupid you look standing drunk up on stuff?

stage at the nightclub, thinking in your head that you're some kind of Frank Sinatra or Axel Rose or Michael Boubley or Beyoncé or Whitney. Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. In your head, that's who you think you are when you're singing up there. You think you're the best voice anyone's ever heard. And guess what? There's probably people sitting in the bar going, Holy shit, what a talentless fuck. Right? So why don't you put your talent up against someone like Axel Rose before you're willing to call him a talentless fuck? It just, it ain't cool.

And for those of you that have people you hate, maybe you hate Drake, maybe you hate Justin Bieber, maybe you hate Britney Spears, you can hate these people, but to call them talentless fox is probably not accurate. I mean, at some level they have talent. Whether their talent is their looks, whether their talent is their moves, whether their talent is their voices, whether their talent is their lyrics. Usually people that make it past the karaoke stage of life usually rise to the top because they have some level. of talent. Now, it's fine to say, I recognize that talent. I don't like that talent. That talent does not stimulate me. That talent does not feel legitimate or feel credible to me. That's fine. But, you know, I come from the stand-up comedy world, and I think I've drawn this parallel

before, but, you know, very often you'll hear comedians make fun of character. Carrotop. Caratop is a prop comedian who works in Las Vegas primarily, and they'll make fun of him because, you know, he doesn't kind of do the traditional stand-up comedy. He incorporates a lot of props and visuals into his act. Well, guess what? All those comedians that call him a talentless fuck and a hack, I'll tell you what, Caratop plays to sold out theaters in Las Vegas twice a day every night of the week. Karatop makes like $10 million, $20 million a year. Well, these other guys that think they're so much better slug it out on the road for $40,000 a year. And just because, you know, you don't think they have talent, doesn't mean that they don't have talent.

So that's all I'm saying. You're allowed to not like somebody, but I would, I would, I would discourage you from calling people talentless fox because, I don't know, that just, that just seems unfair. Walk a mile in their shoes before you label them so harshly. So there you go. That's my follow up. John, I'm glad some of what I had to say made sense to you. not that I was trying to sway you in one direction or the other. Obviously, I love it that you made your own decision, but I'm glad I was able to shed a little light onto the whole conversation about Axel Rose joining forces with ACDC. Good stuff.

Hey, thank you so much for that call. And I love hearing from you guys. It's always a treat. I'm trying to find my phone number here for you so that if you want to call me, you can. I don't have it here. I do not have it right in front of me. But if you want, you can go to my website,

harloweems.com and check it out. And the last thing I want to talk about here today is something really cool. You know, I've been a ranking, on the late night talk show circuit for the last few decades. Conan and Jimmy Kimball and you know the Daily Show and politically incorrect and and David Letterman and all these Conan all these people and Tuesday night this Tuesday tomorrow night yours truly will be making his first appearance with Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show doing a little stand-up comedy

and I'm very excited not only because it's Jimmy but also because this will be my third host of the Tonight Show that I've got to work with. I think I did the Tonight Show with Jay Leno maybe, I'm thinking maybe almost 20 times I was on the Tonight Show with Jay. It could be a little less. It could even be a little more. I mean, I was on the Tonight Show so many times with Jay. And then I went on when Conan O'Brien was the host for one year. He was only in there for one year. I was one of Conan's guests on the Tonight Show when he was in Los Angeles for that one year. And now this will be my third Tonight Show host during my career and very excited. This will be a lot of fun. Jimmy Fallon actually worked with Jimmy a number of times

in the stand-up world. There was a time way back when Jimmy was still in Los Angeles where he open for me at a club one weekend. And then later on, when Jimmy was on Saturday Night Live, we actually did a really, really fun college gig together. We did an outdoor event. It was just me and him doing stand-up comedy at an outdoor stage at a university. And after the show, Jimmy and I just had just a crazy night. It was kind of mirrored that movie almost famous, I think, the movie about the Rolling Stone Reporter. It was the first movie where Goldie Hawn's daughter popped onto the scene.

But it was a movie where a young Rolling Stone reporter followed around a up-and-coming band, went on their tour bus with them, and so on. and there's a wonderful scene in that movie where the reporter was up all night with the band as the band got invited back to some fans' house and they were in the pool and they were drinking and they were partying it up and so me and Jimmy Fallon had a night like that after this gig we just kind of got taken all over this city and we went from parties to social events, to bars to we ended up back at a frat house we were playing pool we're having beers we were

it was just like this all-night thing where me and jimmy were kind of like the toast of the town and it was super fun man i'll never i'll never forget it we just had such a good time so um looking forward to seeing jimmy and that'll be tomorrow night on the tonight show i'll be uh be doing stand-up comedy i haven't done stand-up on a late night show for a long time usually I go and I sit down and talk, but I decided, you know, I want to get my stand-up out there in front of people more. I want them to, you know, enjoy my jokes, enjoy my routine. And so The Tonight Show and Jimmy were like, come on, let's do this. So I hope you tune in. I hope you have a few laughs. And we'll leave it right there.

Hopefully when you're watching me, you don't regurgitate any of your dinner. I really don't want you chewing on yesterday's lunch while you're watching me perform. Disgusting. So there you go. I think we'll end the show right there. Thank you for your calls. If you want to call me, please go to harlowe Williams. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, so this is where I come back in and take over from what was the technical difficulty show. So, as you know or may not know, I already did the Tonight Show. I did it last night in New York City and I flew home

and I got right onto my into my studio to fix the technical snafu because people were having trouble downloading the last episode here, this episode, 769, which was supposed to air on Monday. And because I was in New York and I was running around doing all the Tonight Show stuff, I just did not have time to deal with this. So I'm doing it now. So for the first time, I'm kind of combining Monday show and Thursday. show together. So unfortunately, it only means we'll have one show this week. So 769 was supposed to be

Monday show and then I was supposed to record Thursday show tomorrow. But since it's, you know, we're only 24 hours apart, even less, it doesn't make sense to do two full podcasts. So due to technical difficulties, this is a weird off week. And so I apologize that you, that you're kind of being cheated out of one of the episodes, but you know what? Life happens. Stuff happens. Sometimes we just have to deal, ladies and gentlemen.

Charles Nelson Roe. Okay, enough, Harlan. Calm down. Sorry. But anyways, I did do the Tonight Show last night. So maybe this is kind of interesting that I

talked about, you know, before, and now you get me on the same show, talking about after, but I don't want to overdo it. So what we'll do is next podcast on Monday. I will tell you about my experience on the Tonight Show, how I felt it went. I'll give you a little hint. I was very happy with it.

I just had a riot. I had such a good time. I'm still high from it because I just did it last night, less than 24 hours ago I did the show I left the show jumped in the limo got on the airplane,

flew back to Los Angeles and so I'm still just totally buzzing from having such a great time on the tonight show but I don't want to overdo it so I'll talk to you about it on Monday and again sorry for the little snafu

but you know sometimes we just have to deal with this technology business and the internet and all the crazy stuff. So thank you for being here, gang. Thanks for your patience and understanding. For those of you that did watch the Tonight Show,

I hope you enjoyed it. I got a few phone calls on it. I'll play those on Monday. A few emails, things like that. And I give you some feedback. If you want to see it, you can go to the Tonight Show.com And you can watch me do my set on their website, on the Tonight Show website.

And speaking of websites, don't forget to visit harlandwilions.com. You can write me there at Harlem Williams on the contact link. Or if you want to phone me and leave me a message, 323739-43330. That's 3-2-3-739-4330. That number is on the website if you can't remember the number. Also check out our web store and tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. Please, please, please. I promoted the highway heavily on the Tonight Show last night, which was awesome.

And we want to expand the world. We want other people to ride down the highway with us. So tell your friends, please get the app on your cell phone. All you have to do is go to your app store and type in the Harlan Highway, and it should come up. And you can download for free. You get the most current 50 episodes for free. If you become a premium member for only $20 a year, my goodness, you will get all 800 episodes, almost.

We're almost at 800. You'll get my other podcast, let's have a fight. You'll get access to my live stand-up comedy. You'll get access to special interviews, all kinds of great stuff. So, awesome, awesome. Again, thank you for being here. I'll let you go.

But until next time, chicken chowmaine. Babah, bab, bab, bab, baby. Chicka, chicka, chicka, chachia, chica chichichia chachau ma'amain, baby.