The Harland Highway - 770 - CAMPFIRE TIMMY drops by to sing campfire songs. CRAZY news story.

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

Campfire Timmy drops in to sing his stupid campfire songs. A CRAZY news story that might make you afraid to sit on a toilet. DANGERS from above. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, we have a great podcast for you today. What am I in a barbershop quartet or something? Yeesh. Hey, folks, welcome to the Harlan Highway. I am Harlan Williams, your host with The Most. We have a really cool show today. We're going to be talking about something very dangerous that occurred to me and almost became a reality for me. Very strange serendipity or fate or whatever you want to call it.

But it's something that could be dangerous for all of us. Wait until you hear about this. Also, we're going to be talking about a crazy news story that you almost might not believe. This one is just out there, man. Crazy, crazy news story. And then towards the end of the show, I guess summer's almost here. So Campfire Timmy is dropping by to get Summers started or get us in the spirit by singing some of his stupid campfire songs. And I'm not happy about it.

But lucky for us he's at the end of the show. So let's enjoy the first part of the show. Come on now. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because. Because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I got to start to show off with a crazy news story. I mean, this one was just too juicy to pass off. Oh, no, Charles, Nelson, Riley. All right, easy, easy, easy.

Listen to this headline. This is going to send quivers up your spine, sir. Here it is. crazy news story to kick up the show. Python in home toilet bites man's genitals. Oh my god, da-ah. Are you kidding? Here's the story.

A nine-foot-long python attacked a Thai man while he was using his home toilet. His name, which is hard to pronounce, but I'll try Ataporn Bumachachai Hi, hey. Man, I don't even know if that's real. Ataporn Bukakakwai, or whatever it is, 38 was using his squat toilet. What the hell? When the snake, who slithered, oh my God, I got a squat toilet. All right, if you ever kind of forget how lucky you are to live in, in a modern country, that says it all right there.

There are still people on this planet that relieve themselves over squat toilets. And I don't even really know what that is, but I think we can all imagine. It's probably like a piece of plywood over a hole in someone's backyard up by the carrot patch. and poor Ataporn Bumachukwai was using his squat toilet when the snake, who slithered through the plumbing, latched onto his penis. Nya!

Oh, ha, Charles. He told the Thai TV channel it took 30 minutes to get the snake off. Okay, that just, that wording doesn't... Yes, I'm. I was in the bathroom holding my penis and it took 30 minutes to get the snake off. Excuse me, sir.

What did you say? It took me 30 minutes to get the snake off. Are you referring to the reptile or to your member? Well, you know, maybe I did a little bit of both. I got the snake off and then I got the snake off if you know what I mean. Sir? Oh, no, it turned into it.

Wait, I got to keep reading here. I found the comedy way too soon. It's turned into a group thing. It took 30 minutes to get the snake off with the help from his wife and a neighbor. What the hell? His wife tied a rope around the snake and boom a chuck-a-wife opened its jaws before passing out. Oh, my God. Can you imagine being another neighbor looking out the window that morning? You know, the birds are singing, sun's rising, oh, you open the curtains, good morning.

You look down your neighbor and his wife and Bumachukawai or pulling a snake off a man's penis? I mean, you know, visually, it would probably just look like they were pulling some guy's giant penis. Because one could never make the association that one had a snake on its penis. So the neighbor would look out the window and just see how long, a nine foot long python being pulled. Oh my god So there's the white Pull pull His snake

Pull pull boom a chuckaway snake Quickly Pull it pull it I'm pulling I'm pulling Pull hard to tug on his snake I'm tugging I'm tugging

Get it off Get it off I'm trying my best to get it off I mean good Lord Emergency responders dismantled the bloody toilet and released the snake into the wild. Oh, great!

It's still out there. Look out, folks. Before you sit down on the toilet or your squat hole, you might want to spray some snake repellent down there because apparently this snake has an appetite for cock. You know, most snakes want to swallow a mouse or a mouse or a mouse, frog or a baby deer we got we got us a cock python on the loose this thing's hungry for dick pardon my french but this is what the story here it says boom a chuck-of-eye will make a

full recovery oh great now i got to say his doctor's name dr chotima pincherowen which I think is what Bucca Chaka Wai was trying to do over the squat hole was Pincheroan. Dr. Chetima Pincheroen, who saw the wound, said he was lucky. If the bite would have broken his urinary tract, it would have been a big problem. Yeah, I guess you don't want to piss off a snake, pardon the pun, that's swallowing your cock, Pissing down the snake's throat Probably would just make it even matter

Oh, you're going to swallow my cock, well How about some delicious warm lemonade? Hello, Mr. Python. Would you like to meet my spitting cobra? Shh! You want to have a snake fight with Buma Chakaray? I show you a thing or two. My snake can dance better than you.

Mr. Snake. You want to party with this? Good Lord. And then here's more of the headline. It said, A Thai man is recovering in hospital after a routine visit to the bathroom became a descent into the jaws of hell when he was attacked by a snake.

Wow. I mean, guys, guys, guys, guys, can you imagine a snake, a nine-foot python, gobbling down your manhood? Oh, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la psal. Yeah, probably what it would sound like. Good lord, man. That's just crazy.

And especially when you're when you're that vulnerable, You're sitting, you're sitting on your squat hole. It's the last place you'd expect to be attacked by a reptile. If there's one place most people feel safe and secure is behind the locked door of a bathroom. You don't expect an attack to come from below. I'm just glad this snake wasn't looking for a hole to hide in. Imagine that.

Holy God. Our old friend Bumpachukaraya or what a Chewbocker, whatever the hell his name is. Atapun Bumachucky would have had an ass snake. Who knows what it would have done up there? Would have gone all through his intestines and laid eggs and made a python nest in his ass. And then when he least expects it, he's at a movie with a girlfriend, and he's watching the movie. All of a sudden, the snake gets hungry, slithers out of its hole. She's sitting there holding the popcorn and sees an ass python come out of them.

Good Lord. Forget it. Wow. So there you go, gang. That is one hell of a story. Python and home toilet bites man's genitals. So be careful, guys. You might want to wrap your Johnson in tinfoil or something. Or spray it with off or raid or dip it in Limburger cheese,

anything to repel the cock-hungry python. be good lord so there you go uh just another crazy news story here on the harland highway wow my george i think he's got it yeah all right all right enough enough flush that snake away um i want to talk about something that that it was kind of weird. You know how sometimes you think about something and you know, you formulate thoughts and then the very next day or very soon after

like something happens in regards to that thing you were thinking about? And it's kind of weird. The timing's weird. So this is what happened. I was in New York last week. I was there doing the Tonight Show. And so I was walking around a lot.

I was, you know, I walked all over the city. I walked, I walked from like Broadway, Times Square, all the way down to Ground Zero. And by the way, I'll be doing a very special podcast from Ground Zero coming up. So I'll keep you informed on that one. But I was walking through all the streets in New York. And, you know, they're so. many high rises and buildings and window washers and gargoyles and I mean it's really there's so much concrete and structural mass around you that you almost forget how much stuff is above

you know like when you're normally walking down the sidewalk maybe there's some trees some bushes, maybe there's a few houses or a mini mall over to the side, but when you're in a big city, where you're in New York or you're in a place where there's high rises, you forget that there's literally millions of tons, I'm talking tons of materials up above your head. Most of us stand between four and six feet tall, and above that line, there is millions perhaps trillions of tons of mass. I'm talking steel girders. I'm talking concrete.

I'm talking glass. I'm talking metal. I'm talking satellite dishes. I'm talking, you know, all kinds of stuff is up above you. And when I was walking around New York, I was looking around and I was like, Man, it's funny how we just take it for granted that we're all fine. We're walking on the sidewalk and we're like, as long as we don't step out onto the road or a car doesn't come up on the sidewalk,

everything's just going to be fine. But you start thinking, you know, the potential, the possibility of a brick coming loose or a window popping out or even some idiot kids up on a, you know, 98th floor, you know, a hotel balcony throwing something down. I'll tell you what, I did that when I was a kid. I didn't understand how fast and the velocity and the impact things could have when you throw them from a great height.

But when I was a little kid, there were times when me and my little friends threw stuff off of the edge of buildings. And I don't remember if we were really all that worried about if we hit someone. In fact, in our minds, we probably thought it would have been funny. And so you take for granted all the things that could fall and drop, and especially as the infrastructure, as these buildings. You know, in New York, you're talking buildings that some of them can be, you know,

75, 100, maybe coming up to 200 years old. And I think we have it in our head that we think, So once a giant cement buildings up concrete and steel girders, it'll just stay up forever. But guess what, man? Even concrete deteriorates. Over time, the rain, the wind, the elements, just the settling of time, slowly starts to decompose even concrete and cement. Yes, it takes a long time. But like I said, a lot of those buildings in a lot of cities are really getting on in their years.

And I think it's inevitable that eventually, you know, you're going to start hearing more and more stories about pieces of concrete chunks of architecture falling or breaking away from a structure and landing on innocent civilians, people down below. In fact, I think we might even start to see just random buildings, the whole building collapse. You're going to get to a point in time where, you know, giant buildings that weigh millions of tons, hundreds of thousands of tons, are eventually just by laws of gravity and by the ravages of time, will probably just collapse. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping

on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out.

Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, these structures that we build can't stand forever. Now, in some cases, you know, like the pyramids and the, you know, ancient

structures like that, but those are a different type of architecture, different type of material. And so I was walking around thinking, man, I started looking up and I thought, geez, I wonder if something's going to drop on me or if, you know, something's just going to randomly fall or, you know, a janitor could be up on the roof painting and knock a bucket of paint over by mistake or some idiot could be up on his balcony and throw an apple core over the side. or a gargoyle snaps loose and a giant gargoyle flies down and flattens me. And so I was having these random thoughts.

And I was even, I thought, you know, I should talk about it on the podcast. But then I thought, ah, who's going to really buy into that? You know, it's probably stupid. It's probably not that interesting. And I was going to kind of let the topic go. but then yesterday, and this is why I'm telling you, it gets weird, like less than a week from when I was thinking of this stuff,

yesterday I'm walking over to a meeting in Los Angeles. I have to enter a large office building that's, I don't know, I think it's 65, 70 stories high or something. and, you know, I just walked in the entrance, and no more than 15 minutes later, I'm in the meeting, and someone comes running in and goes, oh, my God, did you hear what happened? And I'm like, no, what?

You know, we're all sitting there in the meeting, and this person said, oh, one of the windows fell out from one of the upper floors. I was like, what? They said one of the windows just popped out. out and flew down and crashed on the ground and hit somebody. And I'm like, oh, my God. I was just thinking about this.

And sure enough, you know, after my meeting, I went outside and there's this thick green glass all over the ground. And I talked to the fireman. I said, what was somebody hurt? He goes, someone was hit, but they weren't severely hurt, which is a miracle. Because this was a big ass, this was an office building pain of glass. This isn't like the little glass window in your bathroom, folks, where you keep your ass snakes. This is like a big pain of, you know, thick. You know, that glass they put up in the office buildings is thick.

It's got to be. It's for security reasons and to fight the elements and the winds that hit at a high altitude. So it's almost a miracle no one was killed. So anyways, just something to think about. just another thing to add stress to your life. Thank you, Harland. Thank you. You know, sometimes when my life gets difficult, when I got relationship problems and money problems and work problems, you know what I do, Harlan? I like to go for a nice walk to clear my head. But now, thanks to this segment, I'm going to be walking around, looking up in my football helmet,

wondering when a gargoyle drops on me and kills me. Great. No, that's not the intention of this bit, but it was just, you know, I thought it was pretty interesting, and the timing couldn't have been more bizarre. And what's even weirder is, like I said, I, you know, 15, 20 minutes earlier, I walked that same route, almost the exact same route, to get into my meeting. So pretty weird. Maybe I was having a premonition or something. I don't know.

So there you go. Thought I'd bring that up for you. Keep your heads up, gang. There's billions and trillions of tons of stuff up above you. Forget about getting hit by a meteorite. How about getting hit by, you know, by a chunk of Macy's? Hello. So there you go.

So be careful out there. And let's move on to, um, okay, hold on. I think Roger's coming in. Is that you, Roger? Just come on in. Come on, the door's unlocked, Roger. If you want to come in, you can just, Roger, come in.

Hi. What? What the hell? What the hell what? What the hell are you doing here, Timmy? Ah, duh. Pardon me? I said duh

What do you mean Duh? I'm here to sing Campfire songs Terradacto teeth Did you just call me Teradacto teeth Yeah but I can call you

French toast clit if you want Do not call me French toast clit Where do you come up with this stuff I throw a rope up your ass and pull it out You, D-Timmie, what are you doing here? I told you. You told me what? Duh.

What does Duh mean? Uh, hello, acne face. Stop with the name calling. Good Lord, the minute you walk in here, my blood pressure goes up. Yeah, well, I wish something else would go up. What does that mean? I wish you'd climb up. a giraffe's asshole.

Timmy! Knock it off. What are you doing here? I'm here to sing campfire songs because summer's almost twas put upon us. What? I said summer's almost twas upon us.

What do you mean summer twas'd upon us? I learned that in school. It's Shakespeare. Twat. Twas upon us That's right Summer is

Twas Summer is twine Twanus You don't even know what you're saying Timmy Yes I do Well what are you saying Your breath smells like a rhino's asshole

Just swallowed a baseball bat Timmy cut it out You're not going to be rude in my studio Well I How is that possible? With your face here, it's always rude. You know, if you weren't the owner of this podcast kid, I would not have you in here.

Yeah, well, I am the owner's kid. And K, say raw, say raw, you French fuck. Stop swearing. Good Lord. Well, I said it in French. You didn't say it. French yet. You don't even know French. I do so.

Oh, really? Say something that's more than three words. Okay, I will. I'm waiting. Ah, ala, jaute de alaetta, Jean-de-Plumerey. You look like a pile of

asshole shit. Stop it. You know what? Just Sing your stupid song so I can get you the hell out of here. God, you annoy me. Yeah, well, just because you don't like campfire songs. I love campfire songs, just you don't sing them very good. In fact, you don't even sing them at all.

Why don't you go slam your face in an elevator door? And I hope it's a haunted elevator. And the ghost thinks your screaming mouth is a glory. hole and you get ghost fucked right in the throat stop wow you are really ripe today kid I don't think I've ever heard you this rude did you just say throat fucked by a ghost in the glory hole how do you know about glory holes because I watch my dad's gay porn excuse me nothing no you said you watch your dad's what gay nothing I'm gonna sing my first song good Lord kid do you mind hurry up and do your first song what is it

it's a camping song that's called paint the canoe paint the canoe huh that's right you've probably never been camping so you you probably don't know what a canoe is um I certainly do know what a canoe is well then why don't you jump in one and paddle up your own fat ass cheeks. Sing your stupid song. Okay. Oh, the new canoe. Let's paint the new canoe.

Let's paint the new canoe. Red and orange and blue. Oh, let's paint the new canoe. Red or orange or green or blue. Shal La La La La La La La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Chemistry Swish swish swish swish shush shish la la la la la la la la la la Whish whsch whish whee? What are you doing?

Uh, hello? I'm painting the canoe. What are those stupid noises? They're not stupid noises. That's the paintbrush. back and forth. Kind of like the way your boyfriend's nut sack goes back and forth on your mouth. Timmy! Oh, let's paint the new canoe! Let's paint it orange- red or blue. Whee-wish-wish-wish-wish-wish-wish-wish.

Oh, let's paint an orange or blue. Wheeh! Good Lord, kid! If I went to your camp, I'd run into the mall. I'd run into the middle of the lake and drown myself. Oh, you can't run on lakes unless your Jesus Lord Savior, son of the Holy Lamb. And the last time I looked, I'm pretty sure you're not. You're like old fat guy with pimple face.

You know, Timmy, just get to your stupid neck song. Why don't you get to your underpants and... underpants and snap them shut. Like a snapping turtle. I'm not even going to respond to that. Hurry up. What's your next song? It's a favorite. A favorite of who?

Campers everywhere. And? It's called Who Burnt the Marshmallow? Oh my God. Obviously, you've never roasted a marshmallow probably because you're too busy down at the tennis club rubbing the balls.

Would you sing your stupid song? One, two, three, one, two, three. Somebody burned the marshmallow, could it be? John Jim or Hillary? One, two, three. Somebody burned their marshmallow, who could it be? Maybe it's Karen, maybe it's Sean. But I think it's Terry, because Terry's hair's on fire.

Oh, who burnt the marshmallow? Who burnt the marshmallow? Someone burnt a marshmallow on their ass. That is not a song. Man, oh man, you are demented, kid. I'd like to dement your face right into the Sicily Tyson Museum on the third floor. What does that even mean? The Sicily Tyson Museum.

Figure it out, Sherlock, Bones. You know what? Do your last song, Timmy, and get the hell out of here. You smell, by the way. Look at you sniffing little boys. Shut up and do your last song. What is it? It's a tribute.

Oh, boy, this should be ripe. A tribute to what? Not to what? To who? Stupid cowbell. Who's the tribute to, Timmy? It's to Prince. He passed away recently, you know. Okay, well, I guess I'm not going to get on your case over that. We all love Prince. You're damn right we do, Sailor White. I'm not Sailor White. Do your tribute to Prince.

Okay. Here it is. is stupid do it this is one of prince's best songs i love it okay i don't think i know which one it is yet but it sounds kind of groovy yeah sounds groovy and he's singing okay i wait is that is that Prince? Yes, idiot. Wait a minute. Quiet, I'm listening.

Stop talking. Wait a... This is men in black. This isn't Prince, you idiot. Oh, yes, it is. I'll bet $100 on your crooked eyes it is. It's not Prince. It is too jack-ass.

jumbleweed cunt hey did you just call me jackass jumbleweed conch I sure did this is not Prince you idiot this is fresh Prince of Bel Air yeah right it's Prince it's the Fresh Prince Prince it's the Fresh Prince he's not fresh anymore he's dead he died about two months ago idiot he's not this is the Fresh Prince singing how can you be fresh if he's you're underground in a graveyard. Turn it off. This is men in black by fresh prince.

Will Smith. Turn it off. Stop it. It's already over. You blew it. Way to ruin the tribute to Prince. Farmer cheese McFat Fock. Stop.

Did you just call me Farmer Cheese McFat Fock? You bet your dollars. Twisted-ass cheek, Charlie. All right, get out of here, nut face. Oh, calling me names now, huh? Yeah, how do you like it, kid? Doesn't it feel good? It kind of does.

Get out of here! Your stupid tribute to the fresh prince. He's not fresh. He's dead. Get out of here, you dumbass, freaky knobgobler. Oh, I'm going to tell me. my dad. Good. Get out of here. Campfire Timmy, you jerk. Up yours. Crabbuff ass. Get out. I hope you go to Applebee's and choke on a shishkabob fucker. Get out. Out. God. What a dork that kid is.

Way to ruin the show. Campfire Timmy. First, I got to suffer through his stupid campfire songs. Did somebody burn the marshmallow and let's paint the canoe? And then he tries to pull a tribute to Prince and it's the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, that dumbass. God, Roger, just never nail the door shut next time that little twerp shows up. Go suck a popsicle with your ass cheeks. Get out! Dork?

Let me catch my breath. I've got to end the show. God! Campfire, Timmy! Conjunction, junction, what's your function? Hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my daughter.

Okay, Rod, good. Conjunction, good, good, good. What's that function? Roger. They'll get you Thank you I'm calm down again I'm fine

We're at the end of the show though That kind of wore me out Let's see If I got some announcements for you Yes of course I do Please visit the website Harlow Williams.com Or you can write to me

On the contact link You can write me an email if you want I might read it on the show, or you can leave me a voicemail. 323-739-43330. That's 323-739-43330. And that phone number is at the website, harloweems.com. If you can't remember it, you can leave me a phone message. It takes about six rings before the machine picks up.

We're working on that, and you can leave a message if you like. And I might put that on the show. Love to hear from you guys. Next show, I'm going to kind of give you a little breakdown of my experience at the Tonight Show. I did the Tonight Show just a few nights ago and had a great time, and I want to kind of give you guys a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the process and how it worked and how my night went and how the show went and all that cool stuff. So I'll give you a behind the scenes look at the Tonight Show on our next podcast.

Should be fun. And please remember to get our app for your phone. If you want to listen to the Harland Highway, wherever you go, you just go into your app store on your cell phone and type in Harland Highway or the Harland Highway. And you get the app absolutely free. You get the latest 50 episodes free. And if you want the other, you know, 700 episodes, can you believe it? 700 episodes, it's only $20 a year.

But that also gets you special, special premium member material. It gets you hearing me do stand up live at comedy clubs all over the country, trying new material, interacting with the crowd, doing special events. You also get to hear interviews with some of the characters. You also get my other podcast, which we do periodically, called Let's Have a Fight, where celebrities and comedians have verbal fights with each other. It's a ton of fun, all that for $20 a year when you join the premium content. And, you know, we definitely put out premium stuff once, twice, sometimes three, four times a month, maybe more.

But every month you get extra bonus premium material plus the 700 backlog episodes of the Harlan Highway. So it's a great deal and it helps us out over here with all our podcast activities. Thank you for everyone who's joined and thank you for all who are thinking about it. We appreciate your support, definitely. What else can I tell you? I think that's it for now. Like I said, you can write her phone 323, 739, 43330. And that's it.

We're going to wrap it up, folks. I hope you had a good time today. Sure loved being here with you. And, you know, tell your friends. Tell your friends about the Harland Highway and share the fun. I mean, you don't want your friends to miss out on Campfire Timmy, do you? I mean, really, do you? You want your friends to miss out on those wonderful songs and the dirty language and I hate that fucking kid.

Anyways, that's it. Thanks for being here, everybody. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. And the ghost thinks your screaming mouth is a glory hole. And you get ghost fucked right in the throat. Thank you.