The Harland Highway - 771 - AUNT RUTHY calls the show. Harlands journey on the TONIGHT SHOW.

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Harland takes us on a behind the scenes journey from his visit to the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. AUNT RUTHY calls in to discuss Harland's Tonight Show appearance. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? No, okay, well, let me tell you mine. Harland Williams, that's right. It's me, Harlan Williams, and you are listening to the Harland Highway podcast. Probably the sexiest podcast on planet Earth. All right, creepy, creepy way to start, but let's keep going. Thank you for being here, everybody. Today's show is a special show.

It's dedicated to a behind-the-scenes look at the Tonight Show on NBC. Yours truly was a guest on the Tonight Show, and I thought it would be fun to share with you the process, or the process, as they say down in Times Square, behind the Tonight Show appearance, at least for me, from my perspective. of. So I'm going to take you on a little journey through that. And then also, you know, family always tend to watch you when you do something important in your life.

So, of course, my family watched me on the Tonight Show. And my Aunt Ruthie, lives in Rochester, New York. She watched it with my Uncle Harry. And apparently she left me a message telling me what she thought of my appearance. So we're going to get to that. It's going to be fun. This is the Harland Highway What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Yes, it's the Tonight show. with Jimmy Fallon. Tonight, special guest,

Harland Williams, actor-comedian, Harlan Williams. Ah, ha, ha, ho. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That is actually, hey, hey, hey, hey, that is actually the truth, ladies, gentlemen. I don't know if any of you caught me about a week ago on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Very exciting moment for me. And I thought today, for the first part of the show, I would kind of take you through the excitement,

take you through the details of doing the number one top-rated talk show in the country. and obviously the whole legacy of the Tonight Show and yada, yada, yada, just for your information, this was my third Tonight Show host, Tonight Show appearance. I never got to do the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, but I did get it with Jay Leno. I think I did the Tonight Show with Jay Leno maybe between 15 and 20 times, maybe even more. I was on that show a ton. And then when Conan O'Brien came along and did the Tonight Show for a year, I did one episode with Conan. And then before I could do another one, he was gone. And then Jimmy Fallon came in as the third host of the Tonight Show. And I was always

looking forward to the day when I'd get the call to come and come and do the show with Jimmy. And by golly, It just happened last week, and there I was my third Tonight Show host. Wow. That is very exciting, and it's been an honor. I mean, with Jay Leno, it was an honor. Jay was on there for decades. Always appreciative of Jay having me on, and then when Conan had me on, you know, just an honor.

The Tonight Show of all the talk shows is the oldest and the most seeped in tradition, and kind of is the one most probably embedded into the American fabric. It has such a long history. And so to be on there is really, really an honor and a privilege. And so, you know, for many years, the last almost a decade and a half, I've been doing these talk shows, and mostly when I'd show up, I'd do panel. I would sit down and I would do panel. I would just sit on the couch and talk and be funny and tell stories and jokes.

And I realized, you know, I haven't done stand-up on a late-night talk show in forever. You know, I'd done it on Letterman, I'd done it on Leno, I'd done it on Conan. And then I just got tired of doing the stand-up. And I thought, you know, I just want to sit down and relax and not have to carry the weight and the pressure of doing, you know, a stand-up set. and believe me, it's a lot of pressure. When you're out there alone and you're supposed to make, I think it's 5 million people or 6 million people to watch the Tonight Show,

you got to go in their living rooms and make them laugh. If you don't think that's pressure, my God, how many of you have been scared to stand up at your friend's wedding and say a few words? So imagine this, my friends. So I went ahead and got the call. And the process begins where they have a talent coordinator, Michael, who runs the stand-up comedy portion of the Tonight Show. And, of course, I had to meet with him, and I had to, you know, work out my set, talk through with him,

which material would work best, which was the most palatable for the Tonight Show, which would probably work with the audience the best because, you know, there's an art to doing late-night talk shows. People don't just plop down and start talking. And, you know, there's a lot of preparation. And most guests and comedians, almost every word of what they say is kind of goes through a screening process out of the gate. So that the host isn't thrown for a loop

and they make sure they're hitting some great bullet points and blah, blah, blah. So I got together with Michael and then, you know, I flew up to New York. And what I did up there is I went around to all the comedy clubs, you know, the two nights prior to being on the Tonight Show. And New York is littered with comedy clubs. And so, you know, as soon as it got dark, I was flying all over the city. You know, I went down to Caroline's Comedy Club. Broadway. Then I went down to the comedy cellar at 1130 at night.

You know, that famous comedy club that you see on Louis C.K. show. Then I'm over at Gotham, Gotham Comedy Club, but another part of the city, which is just an amazing club. Then I'm at a place called The Stand, which is like a hot new comedy club emerging. And my God, I'm just flying all over the city working on my set. and it's weird because, you know, when you do your set, you're pulling pieces from out of your hour-long routine that you normally might not do in that particular order. So you're basically, you know, piecing together your TV act

based on the hour of material you have in your stage act. And so that's a little bit of a dance and a fine art to pick the right stuff and put it in the right order. and then you have to kind of figure out how to say it out of sequence compared to how you normally say it. So that's pretty interesting. So then I go from working on my set to the big day. The Tonight Show sends a limo over, and I go down.

They have a nice hotel for me. I walk down. You know, I got TMZ'd going out of the hotel. There's people there who ought to take pictures, and somehow they find out where you're staying. It's very weird. And then you jump in the limo, and we go over to the show. I go up the elevator.

There's a security guard and an intern who are a greeter who comes down and meet you. You go through security. You're whisked up to the floor. The elevator doors open, and suddenly you're in this hallway, this big, wide hallway. And it's almost like one of those old Hollywood movies. There's props rolling past. You, there's people in costumes, there's other celebrities, there's writers, there's people

with headgear on and microphones, and there's people talking into walkie-talkies and there's security and there's, you know, well, it's just, it's kind of like chaos up in that hallway. It's kind of fun. The minute that door opens you, you're in this bustling, you know, mess of activity. And you're like, oh, wow, it's something's happening here, you know, and it's just, like people moving and and it's it's really exciting then they bring you to your dressing room you have your own dressing room with your name on the door and they've got drinks in there and food and your own little tv to watch the show and they they've got gifts oh my god they had chocolate bars and

candies and they found out my shoe size and they got me a brand new pair of slippers uggs slippers Oh, and then, you know, there's t-shirts and all kinds of little gifts. And so you're waiting in your dressing room and, you know, they bring your contract into sign and then one of your agents shows up from the agency to make sure that they're there representing. And then Michael, the stand-up talent booker is there, just talking you through your set and going over your life. and you're just kind of hanging there, waiting for the show to start.

Then you're watching the monitor. You see Jimmy go out, and Jimmy Fallon goes out and rehearses his monologue. And then you go out for a rehearsal. They come and get you, and you go out and you kind of figure out your staging. And if you need any special shots, and you figure out your mark. You have to stand on a certain mark on the floor, and you've got to know where to look, and you've got to know which cameras are pointing at you,

and they ask if you want to have cue cards, and, oh, man, it's a real hustle and bustle, but it's very exciting. It all gets the adrenaline going, and then they check your wardrobe. They want to make sure what you're wearing doesn't cause the cameras to flare up. Sometimes if you wear bright whites or dark blacks or stripes,

it can mess with the cameras. They don't want you wearing logos and things like that. So there I am waiting around in my dressing room. And all of a sudden, coming down the hall is Lauren Michaels. Lauren Michaels, you know, the guy who created Saturday Night Live and the guy who created kids in the hall and the guy who actually owns the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know if he owns the Tonight Show, but he works with Jimmy, has a deal with Jimmy. And so Lauren Michaels was in the hall.

I was like, oh, my God. And I'd worked with Lorne before I did a movie a number of years ago called Superstar. So I ran up to Lorne, and he was very warm and friendly. We shook hands and shot the breeze a little bit. Then I go back to my dressing room, and I look across the hall, and there's Martin Short and Maya Rudolph standing there. I guess they're getting ready to tape a show across the hall, and I'm like, oh, my God, there's Martin Short, my hero,

My, you're such a comedy great. And I go back into my dressing room to futs around to grab a drink of water, a blah, blah, blah. And lo and behold, all of a sudden Martin Short comes whisking into my dressing room and starts attacking my snacks. And I was just laughing my head off. And I'm like, oh, my God, we hugged. Martin sat down and we just talked for 10 minutes. And just a real bonus treat. to have Martin Short come into my dressing room and sit and talk with me.

It was just so fun. And then he left, and then they whisked me down to the hair and makeup. The other guests are doing their thing. Tyler Perry was a guest, and James Franco's brother was a guest. And so, well, James Franco's brother's on, I'm down. They're doing my hair and makeup. And then they bring me back to my dressing room. James Franco's brother's bit ends.

They go into a commercial, and I'm up next. And you're like, wow, here comes the adrenaline. And you're like, oh, you know, it's like waiting for your turn to go out and hit a home run. And so they come and get you, and they go, you're ready, Arland? I'm like, yeah, and a bunch of people, you know, fist pumping me and saying, go get them, kid. And everyone's in the back hallway now clustered, all the workers and the guards. and people are just filling the hall. He's watching.

There's a big flat screen TV monitor back there. People watch the show back there. And so they take me out, and now I'm standing behind the curtain. You know, the curtain that everyone walks through, it's so exciting. I'm like, standing there, and the floor producer is standing with me, and his name was Mike as well, and just, you know, the energy's gone, and there's a guy with his hand on the curtain, and ready to pull it.

And all of a sudden, you hear the music swell. They're back from the commercial. The roots are playing their instruments. And then you hear Jimmy start in. He's our next guest is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, boy. And I forgot to mention, too, by the way. This is a big part.

While I was waiting in my dressing room after Martin Short left, Jimmy Fallon came by. Jimmy comes by and he's just hanging out of my dressing room and we're talking. We're reminiscing and we're talking about, believe it or not, Jimmy Fallon used to open for me. Well, he just didn't open for me regular, but he opened for me a number of times on the comedy circuit. And so we were talking about that. We were talking about a gig we did, an outdoor gig we did at a college together once. I mean, it was just, it was really great to see Jimmy.

I was genuinely super happy to, to see him again. It had been a long time since I'd connected with Jimmy. And he seemed genuinely happy to see me. And it was just a love fest. And so that was super exciting. You know, so now I'm all pumped up. I'm in the back. I'm at the curtain.

Jimmy, Jimmy says my name. The guy who runs the curtain, pulls the curtain back. I go walking out, and there it is, man. Bright lights and cameras and camera people, and the roots are on my left side, the band, the roots, the house band, and there's Jimmy over at his desk. They lower the lights, so Jimmy's kind of huddled in the dark. It's just weird that, you know, you're there,

and there's people on the stage with you pretty much. You got Jimmy Fallon, the host, and a whole band flanking you on either side. And then, of course, in front of you, the most important part, the audience and the audience were very, very warm and gracious to me on that night. I mean, they just lit up and they were, you know, they were cheering and they were, you know, as soon as I kind of waved to them, they just, it was a really big swell of applause and adoration. And it really, it just got me pumped up, you know, it got me pumped up to give them a show. I mean, I was planning to do it anyways, but it was just the adrenaline and the excitement. And my biggest fear about doing shows like that is, am I going to get nervous?

Am I going to start sweating on camera? Am I going to get fidgety? Am I going to forget my lines? That rarely happens to me, but every now and then it can happen for whatever reason. Maybe I'm having an off night or I'm in a weird mood or whatever. but not on this night. I mean, I was just so relaxed. And the minute they started clapping, I was like ready to go, man.

I was on my game. And, you know, the first joke rolled out of my mouth, and it just knocked them dead. And then the second one and the third. So every joke that I picked out from my set just really, really won the crowd over. And the more they were laughing, the more relaxed I got. And I was turning around and talking to Jim. in the middle of my set for, I don't know why.

I just kind of followed my impulses. At one point I even turned to him and I said, right, Jimmy? Huh? And he just, you know, bent over on his desk laughing. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then I get to my last joke, and boom, I deliver it. And the crowd just goes wild, and I'm standing there. I took a little bow. I was so grateful that they enjoyed it.

And then Jimmy came running over and gave me a big hug. And he said, oh, we want more. I want more. And I was like, man, I wish I could do more. You know, once you're out there with that hot crowd, you want to keep going. And then Jimmy motions me over to his desk, and we go over and sit down. They throw to a commercial. And then when we come back, it's me and Jimmy sitting there.

Jimmy thanked me again, and I thanked him. And it was just a great, great outing. And that was it. That was the end of it. I literally, you know, walked off stage, went to my dressing room, collected my stuff. ran down to the elevator. They took me down out the building. My limo was waiting there, and they whisked me to the airport.

And just to put it in context, the show tapes at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and ends at 6 o'clock. So I was there at about 3.30 for all the rehearsal and the warm-up and the makeup and all that stuff. So I whipped down to my limo. I get in it. They whip me to the airport. my flight leaves at 9. I'm back in Los Angeles. Because of the time change, I get there at 12.30 at night.

I just missed seeing myself on the Tonight Show on the other coast, on the West Coast, which is kind of weird too. So, of course, I had DVR and I sat down. I took a deep breath, got something to drink, and watched myself on the Tonight Show. just hours after doing it and was very, very pleased and happy. And the experience that I felt inside was just as, it was confirmed by how I felt I looked on the television. I was having so much fun and I was so relaxed and I was enjoying myself and being playful.

and I think that all came across on my set on the Tonight Show. So there you go. I don't know if that's interesting to you guys, but I thought, you know, let's be honest, how many people do the Tonight Show? And I thought maybe you guys would kind of like to see the blueprint of kind of the process and how it works and what's it like when you're there

and the feelings involved and the adrenaline and the rush and the trepidation and the preparation. and all the stuff that goes into it. So hopefully you enjoyed going on that little Tonight Show ride with me. Again, my thanks to the Tonight Show for having me so much fun. And God willing, hopefully I'll be back there again soon in the near future and we'll do it all again. So thanks for listening.

I'm a little exhausted. Raj, throw to a commercial and we'll come back and talk about some other stuff. Woo! Okay, Rod. That's cool. Thank you. That's cool. Thank you. Thank you. I'm very. Thank you. on the hall. Got a little drink of water. I was chatting away. One of the things about doing a Tonight Show appearance is that the whole world gets to see it. And inevitably, your friends and family watch it. And Rod, you're telling me that we have a message from Aunt Ruthie called? Okay, so apparently my Aunt Ruthie called and she watched the show

and I guess she wants to tell me about it or I don't know. Let's see what she has. to say, can you play the message, Raj? Okay, here we go. This is a message from my Aunt Ruthie about my tonight show appearance. Hello. Hello. Hello, Holland.

Oh, my God. Is he's not there? Hello? At Holland, it's your Aunt Ruthie calling Angel. How are you, Dahl? I miss you so much. I'm over here in Fortchester, New York. I know you're down in the Hollywood.

making your movies and your television little angel with your little freckle face oh my god you're so cute i just want to hop an onion in my face i don't even know what that means but god you're trying me crazy little harland uh your uncle harry's here can you say hello to holland harry harry can you say hello to your grandson your nephew please your grandson your nephew whatever the fuck he is. Can you say hello? Oh, well, that was your uncle Harry.

He was a little, he was having a nap, Paul, and so don't be offended if you couldn't make out what he was saying anyway, Angel, I just want to tell you your uncle Harry and I,

oh my God, we watched you on the Joan Rivers show or whatever it was you were on, the late night talk show with Murph Griffin. whoever they held out with your kid was on there. My God, Holland, you look sad.

Your uncle Harry and I were like, my goodness, he looks like he's been into the donuts and the dairy queen, and maybe he's been barbecuing outside. I mean, you looked like a chubby little, it looked like there was three of you on stage, little angels. So, I mean, I don't mean to be insulting, but you might want to trim down a little bit, And your hair looked a little fucked up, too, a little angel.

I mean, when you were a little boy, do you remember that time we were at the fairgrounds? And one of the little bastards from the Ferris wheel, he walked up a lugie and spit it off the top of the Ferris wheel, and it went in your hair, and your Aunt Ruthie was rubbing around with her fingers in your hair, and she got goo all over, and I thought, my Christ, is this child what's leaking out of this child? I thought maybe you had some kind of a virus or some kind of fungus. I thought you were contaminated. Do you remember? And I put you in the porta party and locked the door for about an hour.

I thought maybe I could decontaminate you as something. And you were in there screaming and yelling that it was 100 degrees and it smelled like, you know, poo inside. But I was just trying to, you know, be safe, little angel. Anyways, your hair, I mean, your hair run. The late-night show there that you were on, the Jay Leno thing, my God, Holland, it looked like, I don't know, it looked like, you know, are you balding or something? Do you have leukemia? I mean, I don't know what, you know, something looks a little funky, if you don't mind me saying.

I mean, your sideburns, I mean, it looks like, you know, you went swimming in a swamp and a couple of leeches stuck on the side of your fat fucking face and trying to suck through your. your favor and suck some of the fat out of your face, little angel. I mean, my God, Holland, it's like a free liposuction down at the swamp, for Christ's sake, and your eyes looked a little baggy. If you don't mind me saying, Angel, you know, your Aunt Ruthie's just looking out for you, but your eyes looked so puffy, like maybe, I don't know, maybe you know, someone, you were at a truck stop, but maybe a, you know, maybe a homosexual

truck driver sucked on your eyes or something, some kind of pervert, you know, you couldn't get your pants off, so he sucked your eyes out, you know, your bags under your eyes were all puffy and it looked like, you know, he looked like, honestly,

somebody smashed you in the face with an owl or something, I mean, but, you know, Holland, and your voice, when you talk on, on the late show was thing there with Mr. Letterman. It was just, you know, is there something wrong with your voice, Angel? I found it irritating. I actually went into the kitchen during your stand-up segment,

and I started grating my hands on a cheese grater just to distract myself. But I have to say your clothes look nice, Angel. I'm always on the lookout for stuff from the Salvation Army. So if you could let me know, little angel, which Salvation Army you got your outfit at, that would be just wonderful, because maybe we have some homeless people that live on the end of our street, and I could direct them to the same place you got your little outfit you wore on television in front of six million people, Angel. I mean, good Lord, it looks like, you know, somebody threw up gravy in a monkey cage and you somehow put it on your skin. I'm not sure where you do your shopping. I don't know if there was there a K-Mod in your house that caught on fire, and they decided to sell the shit charred or something. I mean, Christ, you looked like maybe you were running around at Hiroshima,

you know, looking for a rental car or something, and you have a good, Christ, little angel. But anyways, as far as your material goes, your uncle Henry and I, we just couldn't relate to it, Holland. I know you're trying to be funny, and I know you're trying to be, I don't know if you're trying to be current, or maybe you, but we just didn't get it. I mean, you know, where were the knock-knock jokes? Knock-knock. Who's there? Not funny. Not funny who. Oh, my nephew, Holland Williams, that's who. You know, this type, I mean, your bits were just, you know,

your uncle Harry fell asleep at one point. There was drool running down the side of his mouth, little angel. It went right down. He was, you know, he's sitting there to tapless. He likes to air his man tits out, and his drool went right down in between his mantits, and they're puddled up in his hairy belly button overflowed, and went right down into his pants,

and he got his mothball, dusty old weaner covered in his own saliva. I mean, good Christ, I almost threw up. up my parsley and Brussels sprouts that I whipped for dinner, you know, Angel. But my God, Holland, what an achievement. Overall, just a wonderful, wonderful outing. We told all our friends, and we're also going to call all our friends back and apologize for you being such a fuckstick. But your Aunt Ruthie loves you all, and, you know, I always support whatever you do,

you're dumb fuck, and I really, really love you. missed you so much. Me and Uncle Harry just wish you would come and visit, and we hope we see us more on the television, okay? Maybe if you could get on one of those reality shows, Holland, where they wheel people into the hospital, you know, people in car accidents, and maybe got hitting the head with a brick, or sometimes they get short, and they bring them in and they see the doctors working on them, maybe you could get on one of those shows, and we could see you get a gift.

hatched up and get a caesarian section or something because, you know, with your fat belly meat, it looks like you have, you know, triplets in there or something. You probably have infected ovaries if I know you, you're dirty. Anyways, Angel, your Aunt Ruthie loves you so much. We're so proud of you. Do you want to say goodbye, Harry? Harry? Hang on, Angel. Harry, do you want to say goodbye to Holland? Oh, Christ. You know what? He's still coming out of his nap.

He probably thinks he's back in Vietnam or something, the dumb shit. Hope a helicopter hits him right in the mantet. Anyways, Holland, give us a call when you get a chance. We're so proud of you. Such a wonderful boy on the Tonight Show with... Who was it? Conan O'Brien. Okay.

Wonderful job, Angel. And Ruthie loves you. Bye. I ain't heavy would you get up Your drool's coming out of your pant leg Go and squeeze your belly button You pig, come on Jeez

Yikes Okay well I guess Any Any pride I was feeling about my tonight show appearance might have just Flown out the window Not the most glowing review

What did she say It looked like a homosexual truck driver sucked my eyes off. Good Lord. What the hell is that mean? Oh, family. You know, family can just be the most critical of all sometimes, I guess. But I hope you guys liked it. I hope at the end of the day you guys enjoyed it.

If you haven't seen the show, I know it was up on the Tonight Show web page, Tonight Show.com. I don't know if it's still there. I don't know if they archive this stuff. You can probably go on the Tonight Show.com and type in Harland Williams and maybe my set will show up and you can enjoy watching it.

And you be the judge. Please don't be as harsh as Aunt Ruthie. And I do not have leukemia for the record. I don't know what her issue was with my haircut, but Aunt Ruthie, if you're listening, I do not have. leukemia. That's a, it's a haircut. Good Lord. Maybe next time I don't tell anyone. I just go do it.

Okay, well, that brings us to the end of the show. A whole show dedicated to the Tonight Show here, but, you know, I thought it was a fun event. I really wanted to share the experience with you guys. Hope you enjoyed it. And I'll keep you posted, if any, more appearances. on the Tonight Show or any other show, Arise. Before I go, let's do a couple of quick announcements here, if you don't mind. Let's see.

We are putting out our premium content. If you want to be a premium member, it's $20. All you do is go to my website, harlornwilliams.com, and go to the podcast link, or you can join by downloading our free app, the Harland Highway app on your cell phone. Just go to your app store, type in the Harland Highway. Boom, it's free. You get the latest 50 episodes of the show for free.

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Chalman, bab, bab, baby. I don't know. Maybe, you know, someone, you were at a truck stop, but maybe, you know, maybe a homosexual truck driver sucked on your eyes or something, some kind of pervert, you know, you couldn't get your pants off, so he sucked your eyes out.

You know, your bags on your, Your eyes were all puffy. Thank you. Thank you.