The Harland Highway - 773 - LISTENER MAIL BAG. Also, Harland orders some flowers.

Episode Date: June 9, 2016

Today we read some of your email's on the show as well as discuss the concept of sending flowers to someone. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, my, my, I stuck a pizza pie in my eye. Wait, what? I did not stick a pizza pie in my eye. What I did is I stuck a microphone in front of my mouth, and I'm about to do a podcast. This is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harlan Highway podcast. There's nothing in my eye, let alone a pizza pie. Welcome to the show, everybody.

Great show today. we are, we're going to be talking about something wonderful and delicate that I did. I don't know if you've ever sent flowers to somebody, but I'm going to share my 1-800 flowers experience with you and see how you feel about it. So we're going to talk about that and then later in the show, the listener mailbag. As I, as you know, I always ask you guys to send me your emails

with your thoughts, ideas, questions, likes, dislikes, etc., etc. So today we're going to get to some of your emails. I'm going to answer some of your letters to the best of my ability. I hope I live up to it. And we're going to explore. We're going to explore your thoughts. And I'm going to share my thoughts and intermingle them with your thoughts and see how we come out on the other side.

Always an adventure when we go to the Harland Highway pavement pounder listener mailbag. But here we go. Put your helmet on, gang. This is the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, I did it. I got on the telly today. For those of you that don't know what the telly is, it's the telephone.

Actually, in London, the telly is the television. but I'm, you know, this is my podcast, so if I want to make the television a telephone, I'm going to damn well do it. I mean, you know, I might make the toast of the microwave, you know, these are the, I might make the bed, the shower. This is my podcast, and I will make things the way. I want them. Anyways, I got on the telephone, and I dialed 1,800 flowers, and it's funny because you have to, look for the letters, and as you can hear, you have to spell out the word flowers. Okay, as you know, all the numbers on your keypads have three letters on them. So when was the last time you had to do that is spell a phone number?

So, you know, the 1-800's like, boop-boop-boop, no, I can dial 1-800. But then all of a sudden, I'm, it's like I'm in third grade looking for letters on a chalkboard. I'm like, let's see, F. Oh, there's the F's on the three. Where's the L? Where the hell's the L? Is it on the eight? Is it on the nine?

Is it on the seven? Where's the freaking, oh, there it is right in the middle on the five. Okay, so now I need the O, let's say, seven, eight, nine, four, three, two, six, six. You know, you just, it's like a, suddenly you're playing jambalaya or, or, uh, Kino or something in Vegas. You're just searching this board for numbers and letters. I almost finished, you know, 1,800 flowers. I almost yelled, bingo! So anyways, I go on 1,800 flowers and listen to it.

Here's what you get. You have a choice. You can go with the automated choice, where you do everything through the telephone, through computers, or you can connect with a live person. I decided to go with a live person, but here's kind of what the computerized version sounds like.

Welcome to 1-800flowers.com. If you're calling to place an order, please press 1. To check the status of an existing order, please press 2. To speak with a customer service specialist about an... If you need to place a sympathy or funeral order, please press 1. To place an order using our automated service, please press 2. Oh, that felt good. I like cutting their voices off.

You know, before they can continue, I'm just like, beep, beep. I've heard enough of you, thank you. Beep. All right, let's keep going. Here we go. Please enter the product code for the item you wish to purchase. If you're not sure what to order, say, help me choose. Help me, Obi-1, Canobi.

Sorry, I misunderstood. Please enter the product code for the item you wish to purchase, or say, help me choose. Help me, Obi-1, Canobee? I still didn't get that. please enter the code for the item you wish to purchase. If you're on our website, this is a four to six digit code found just below the picture of the product. If you need help choosing the perfect gift, press the star key.

It's a Star Wars reference, you doorknob. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Please hold while I transfer you to the next available agent to complete your order. So there you go. That's me messing around a bit with the audits. automated version. But, you know, I wanted to talk to someone. I didn't want to go through all the pressing of the buttons and going through, you know, you're ordering flowers. So they're going to have a million different varieties. And I was just like, screw it. I'm going to talk to someone.

So, so I went on and I, I chatted away. And it's a little bit of an arduous experience. I mean, you know, they double, they check and double check. You know, you say, could I have your name, Yeah, Larry Smith. Could you spell that? L-A-R-R-Y, S-M-I-T-H? Okay, just so I have that correct, sir, that's L as in lampshade, A is an apple, R as in robot, R as in rhubarb, Y, as in, you're probably getting fucking annoyed already, you know, and it's like the, so then they, you know, they kind of got to do it, but, but, you know, to order like a little vase of flowers took like 15 minutes. And I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. And, you know, all of a sudden, the next day you find out that your recipient never received their flowers. So it's a little bit of a pain in the ass. But the bigger dilemma is sending the flowers.

You know, it's a great little way to tell someone you're thinking of them and it's an expression of nature and beauty and color and, you know, it attacks the nose, the sense of smell and the sense of sight. And there's a lot of, like, visceral reactions to getting flowers. I think it's kind of synonymous that people know that getting flowers, is a sign of affection and love and caring so so it's a cool thing so my dear aunt my mom's sister uh took a little spill and she was under the weather and had to go into the hospital

for a little a little brief spell to recover and uh and so i wanted to let her know i was thinking of you know she's way up there in canada and i'm down here in southern california and and it's just it's hard to connect a phone call and a text and it's just not enough in my opinion. So I decided to send her some flowers and it feels good. It feels good because you know when you get flowers, that's a statement. You know that that person lights up and they know that you went out of your way to make sure you knew they were thinking about you. So flowers is a nice thing. But here's the dilemma. Okay. My poor dad who also took a little spill. this is a tragedy of when people get older.

I'm sure a lot of you have dealt with it. Old people fall, man. It's scary. You know, if you go on the internet and look up the statistics of how many people die, old people die from falls, it's a lot, man. And if it doesn't kill them, it very often breaks a hip or a bone or a shoulder or an arm. and that kind of begins the spiral towards death, I hate to say.

A lot of people, when they break these big bones, they can't recover. Their body doesn't have the strength or the healing power that it did in their youth. And so anyways, you know, my dad is recovering from a little fall. Thankfully, he didn't break anything. You know, he's just shooking up a little bit. And, uh, and it's weird because with men, it's very awkward to send flowers.

You know, this is my dad. Like, I can't have, you know, can't send my dad a bushel of roses or sunflowers or, or the harvest collection. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Williams, there's a delivery here for you. Yeah, what is it? Well, it looks like your son has sent you something. Oh, really? What'd that kid send me? Well, it looks like it's the harvests.

collection, Mr. Williams, a wonderful splash of violets, purples, greens, and yellows, just a brilliant array of field wildflowers. I mean, he's gay. My kid's gay. Oh, Christ, I knew it. You know what I mean? It's like, how do you send your old man flowers? So if someone out there is inventive enough and has enough ingenuity, this might be a a hot tip. If you use this, please cut me in for 10% of your business, but a business that specializes in sending stuff to men, okay? Because women, you know, women, flowers are more effeminate, flowers are beautiful and delicate, like women. And it's mostly women who receive flower action to send to send your dad.

a bushel of roses or a beautiful bouquet is just, it's very awkward. I wouldn't do it. I don't think my dad would understand. I think it would confuse them. It's not manly. You know, you should be able to send your dad a bag of pork rinds or a football with sweat stains on it

or some new tube socks. Or, you know, I can't, dad, I love you. I hope you recover. Here's some lemon-scented shit. shaving cream from 1-800 shaving cream oh that's my boy i'll tell you what my boy's not gay he just sent me some lemon-scented shaving cream wait a minute lemon-scented he's gay oh god i knew it so uh so anyways that that was a little bit of of my uh flower dilemma so my aunt got the flowers and my dad unfortunately just just to settle for a phone call.

I can't send my dad chocolates or candies. I don't want to send them a greeting card. I mean, what do we send our dads? Somebody start 1-800 dad.com or something. And again, I want 10%, please. Must have 10% for this brilliant idea. And so there you go, man. So there's a little bit of a quandary, but, you know, you love your male and female relatives equally.

But it's just, you know, society makes it a little tougher to reach out and show that love and affection for the old man or the guy friend. You know, let's say you have your buddy, your best buddy from childhood. Steve is racked up in the hospital with a broken leg. You know, you can't send them flowers. Can't send them chocolates. You can't send them a balloon full of helium that says, I love you. Hey, Steve, what chick sent you, uh, send you that balloon that says, I love you on it floating over your bed?

Oh, that was my, my best friend, Harland. Well, Steve gay. I think he might be gay. You know, you just, you can't win. So anyways, a little tip, little tip here. If there's someone in your life, if there's a, someone that you haven't connected with for a while, if there's an auntie or a mother or a sister or a niece or, you know, someone that's kind of out there that you think of that's been part of

your life, but they're maybe on the fringe because you don't get to see them that often or they live far away or yada, yada, yada, maybe some flowers, you know, you can probably send overnight some some wonderful flowers between like you know 45 and 80 bucks and what's that well you know what's that in the course of a year to send an expression of of thoughtfulness and caring and love to someone maybe you don't get to say that too very often or if somebody's down and out or hurt or sick just a just a little tip no pressure you can tell me to go screw myself Just an idea. Um, so there you go.

That was my, my 1,800 flowers experience. And, uh, here's hoping that my auntie, uh, Annie Sue recovers and, uh, is back on the road to health and happiness. And my dad, and you know what, I'm going to send my dad some flowers. Screw it. Screw it. Just to mess with them. I'm sending my dad like the, the spring sunflower spectacular arrangement. This arrangement includes 12.

bountiful sunflowers, nine Goldilocks, and 12 black-eyed susans, all arranged in a wonderful bunch with velvet ropes around the stems, and a beautiful vase with unicorns, and... Are you kidding me? My dad would come hunting for me with it with a rifle. He'd be like, man up, you little bastard. You know what I mean? I should just be able to send my dad like a log with an axe sticking out of it. You know, not a giant, not a towering pine, but maybe like a, you know, maybe a two foot long pine log with the bark still on it, maybe even some bugs, and just an axe sticking out of it.

Is there a delivery service that could do that? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. Mr. Williams, your log with the axes here. Oh, well, that's my boy. The axe is pink, Mr. Williams. Oh, I knew it. Anyways. So there you go. 1,800 flowers.

By George, I think he's got it. Hello. Hello. Arland, hey. Man, I got to call you out on something. Something from your last episode. I believe you were reading an email. You started to read email,

and we heard a little bit of paper crumpling in the background, like you were getting out of a letter to read. you said you were reading an email so I don't think emails are on paper buddy what do you have to say for yourself oh

there's a round brownie all right you can tell me buddy wait what letters I have no idea when you're talking to you about we get letters every day

mailman mailman Mail today Reach right in and pull one out Those letters I love those letters Let's find out what you've got to say Oh boy Mailman

Ding dong I don't know what he's talking about I don't know what kind of computer you use dude But letters Letters are letters Okay I don't know if you have a fancy modern computer from outer space but hello emails the word mail my emails are on paper okay

can you hear that this is an email like I press escape on my computer key and this like paper comes out of my computer with my emails on it what what what version of computer do you have that you what anyways uh let's get to uh some of your letters I haven't read letters from the mailbag for a little while. Let's see, we have a letter here from Brandon. Subject ladies' room.

Oh, yes, I talked about the whole transgender and the open bathroom policy where either sex can go into a bathroom. So let's see what Brandon has to say. Hi, first off, big fan. Thank you, Brandon. So on the statement you made on the girls' bathroom being nice and clean, that would be a big no. Okay, L-O-L.

As a custodian, I have found when cleaning the bathrooms, sometimes the girls' bathroom is way grosser than the men's. In the men's room. Oh, sorry, way grosser than the men's. I forgot to put a period in there, Brandon. In the men's room, you get to piss on the lid. In the girls' room, you can find menstrual blood and the stink of the used.

MaxiPads left behind is just as bad or worst. So yeah, mens room can be a lot cleaner. Take care and thank you for all you do. Rocket Man. Thank you, Brandon. Well, yikes. Do we all feel it? Do we all need a little moment to get through the queasiness?

I guess Brandon could be right. I'm not a custodian, but I didn't think of that. I think I might have to read that again. In the men's room, you get piss on the lid. Okay, so yes, I believe a lot of men piss on the toilet seat. They don't lift it up. They just let it rip. And Brandon says, in the girls' room,

you can find menstrual blood and the stink of the used maxi pads left behind. I like it that he went to a brand name. It wasn't the stink of a tampon. He went right to maxi pads, which I think is actually a brand name. Well, good point, Brandon. Well said, you know, I guess when I think of it, you know, I have actually, you always kind of give women the credit for being the clean and the neat. But, you know, that you mentioned it,

I've been to girls' apartments or houses where they've been like 20 times slobier. than a lot of guys' places I've been to. So I guess I shouldn't just assume based on gender that somebody's cleaner or dirtier. I think as human beings, no matter what we are, we can all be messy and nasty. So there you go. Let's go to another email. Hear that? Email.

Okay, what do we have here? Okay, this is from Sheila. And the subject is transgender. Oh, okay, here's a woman's point of view on the bathroom issue. A message, love you, boy. Well, I like being called a boy. It makes me feel young and spry. She says, spot on with the bathroom issues.

If you were born with ovaries, you are female. Born with testicles, a male. Sorry, no way around it. Go in appropriate bathroom. it is a mental disorder if that person thinks otherwise. Damn political correctness and liberals. Shut it. It's called common sense.

You think a grown man who only wants sex with little boys and girls because they identify with them is okay? Kind of same thing. It's a mental disorder and they need help. Hmm, I'm not, that got a little muddy there for me. It sounds like Sheila is not a fan of transgenders using the bathrooms, which was kind of my point. I was more, you know, I don't really want to pick on the transgenders

because, you know, if something is calling to you from inside and telling you you need to be gay or straight or transgender, you have to walk in their shoes. It is odd for most of us to think about changing our sexuality but then you have to go, gee, what if I was born that way? What if I lived a tortured life feeling like I wanted to be a woman or a man? And yes, I agree. It's very odd, and it's hard for most of us to relate to it because it's so extreme.

I find it really hard to get my head around it. But then I always come back to, good Lord, what if that was me? and I had the option to change and, you know, maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm not normal, maybe, you know, if you want to say mental sickness, you can say whatever you want, but it doesn't change the fact that people have desires and people have needs and, you know, whether it's right or wrong, you know, it's such a touchy issue. So I don't want to condemn the transgender people, but I do still think regardless of whether you want to be a man or a woman, the bathroom thing, I totally agree with Sheila. It is common sense. I do not think we should be mixing the bathrooms. My God, it's one of the few sanctuaries we have. Women should be allowed to do their business with other women and men should be allowed to do their business with other men,

let alone bringing children into it. It may seem all like free and open, but I'm telling you, man, it will lead to problems. I mean, are you telling me if you're like a 15-year-old high school boy and you're in the bathroom combing your hair in the mirror and all of a sudden a woman walks in the men's bathroom that looks like Angelina Jolie and goes into a stall and I mean, you know, what's going to happen?

You're going to get boys that are confused. You're going to get, what if you've got like kind of a purve, deviant guy in there combing? Is there a 40-year-old man that's only been laid twice and he watches porn all day? And all of a sudden an Angelina Jolie like model walks in and pulls down her dress and sits on. You don't think there's going to be some trouble somewhere down the line? Dalo, I think it's a bad move. We've been just fine all these centuries separating the bathrooms. I don't think that's one of the things we can leave alone.

We don't have to seem like such a progressive society that we don't have to take into account gender needs while in the bathroom. So, Sheila, thank you for your letter. The debate rages on. And I get your, you had a definite passion about thinking that the transgender's, I think, let me see what you said here. You said it's a mental disorder. And, you know, I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

I'm not a physician. I'm not a psychologist. And I don't know that you are either. And so sometimes when people have extreme needs and points of view, like I said, before you condemn, you sometimes have to give a little wig of room. I'm not saying you have to agree with it. I'm not saying you have to be on board with it. But sometimes you've got to show a little compassion and go, what if that was my son or daughter? What if that was me? What would I need? What would I do? and so you know

you might have to be a little open to the concept but that doesn't mean because someone has a need they can force everything that they need on the rest of society I think I think you know that's where it gets muddy so anyway interesting debate interesting letter thank you for that

and let's move on let's move on to another email I don't think emails are on paper buddy what do you have to say for yourself how about this yeah i'm telling you guy my emails come out on paper i don't know how i don't know why maybe i have one of the early max the apple computer but mine i press email and they come out of my computer so let's let's read one more and uh boy the grief i get i hope you're not suggesting i'm behind the times or something You know, I don't know what kind of newfangled rig you have, dude, but let's get with it, guy.

All right, here's another email. Let's see what this one has to say. This is from Albert. Albert says, hi, Harland. I love your website, but I feel I must comment on your podcast regarding the presidential candidates. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Here we go.

Talking politics. President Obama was elected to be a president and not a campaign. If he didn't accomplish something, it wasn't for the lack of trying. He faced unprecedented levels of obstruction from Republicans in the House of Representatives when trying to pass immigration reform, infrastructure funding, tax reform, and smart gun controls, just to name a few things. Congress and only Congress passes laws. It's up to the president to sign or veto those.

laws. If Congress refuses to pass the laws that people want, the President cannot do anything about it. Then when he uses executive orders to pass laws on a limited basis, he is accused of shredding the Constitution, which is absurd as he used to be a constitutional professor in Harvard. It has been my experience that when people complain about the President that he didn't do enough, those people have a very limited understanding of. of how our government works. Uh-oh. Casting aspersions.

Trump is running as if he wants to be king rather than president. He has a very superficial understanding just like his followers of the issues confronting our country. I'm not even sure he knows how government works. Needless to say, he is in for a rude awakening either during the general election

or, God forbid, he becomes president. keep up the funny stuff, Albert, thank you so much for your letter. You know, I appreciate your honesty, your thoughts, your insight, your intelligence. You know, it's always tough when you talk about politics because people are diametrically opposed to each other or they refuse to see each other's side or they're convinced they're right or, you know, It becomes heated. It becomes passionate. Let's face it. You know, I think it's obvious from your letter that you're not a fan of Trump and you're probably more of a Democrat and a President Obama supporter, which is fine and great.

And I totally respect your decision to choose who you like. But I always say to people, be careful when you don't agree with. the other side. Be careful about making blanket statements and dismissing the people of the other side. Kind of like you did a little bit in here. You said it's been my experience when people complain about the president that he didn't do enough. These people have a very limited understanding of how our government works. And then you went on to say superficial, blah, blah, blah. And so you're kind of clumping people together saying that they don't, in a way you're calling them stupid, that they don't understand how the government works and blah, blah, blah.

Now, I can get into it with you about Obama, what he did and didn't do. And as far as, you know, his veto action, you might want to recheck that. I think you mentioned here that Obama, I think I'll quote you here, you said that when Obama uses executive orders to pass laws on a limited basis, he's accused of shredding the Constitution. Well, you better go back and check about Obama's executive orders and vetoes. He's done quite, quite, quite a few of them. but I don't want to get into you know Trump or Obama or Hillary and Trump I think the point that you kind of inadvertently made

for me personally and maybe I can try to communicate or convey this to you and the listeners is there's a bigger issue Albert then in my mind than the candidates there's a bigger issue than Obama than Hillary than Trump than Congress, then the House of Representatives. I think what's at play now in America is the system.

I think I'm going to go right past particular candidates and parties and delve into the political system. And it's become so messy and cloudy and competitive and dysfunctional that all the things you said in here are, to me, is just like garble and noise and let me read to you again. He faced unprecedented levels of obstruction

from Republicans in the House of Representatives when trying to pass immigration reform, infrastructure funding, tax reform, smart gun control. Congress and only Congress passes laws to... So all these... terms, all these, all these issues, all these things did get fumbled up by Congress and the House of Representatives and politicians with their own agendas and parties with their own agendas. Let's not forget, man, we're all Americans. We're all, we all want a better country.

We all want the same thing, but the system is so fangled up. The two parties are so hell-bent on holding onto their power and being sticks in the mud on both sides, I don't want to bend for this, I don't want to bend for that, I don't want to be flexible. They're so busy fighting each other that we, the public, me and you, Albert, and everyone listening, we're standing on the outside at the UFC. We're sitting outside the cage, watching the Democrats and the republics have a cage match fight, and we're sitting out in the auditorium, and guess what? They forgot to turn the heat on.

They forgot to turn the air conditioning on. They forgot to put cushions in the seats. They forgot to supply food and water for the people who paid to come and see them. They forgot to provide safety and security for when the fights broke out. You know what I'm saying? It's like, well, they're busy fighting and trying to get their point across and blocking each other and maneuvering around the chess pieces, we the public are watching our roads deteriorate, our airports deteriorate, our schools, our cities, the gun laws,

the immigration laws, our national security laws, our military, and that's the responsibility of both parties. That's not a partisan thing. That's that is the responsibility. of Democrats and Republicans, they're supposed to be looking out for us before they look out for their fucking party. We're all Americans and we all deserve to be heard and we all deserve to have the people that we elected and whose salaries we pay do the job. And they've become so self-absorbed and so self-obsessed and created, they have created a system that's ineffective and they've immobilized themselves and they're so busy fighting that nothing's getting done and when it does get done it takes 5, 10, 12 years for things to get done

but because they need to make so many compromises to make each other happy and so that neither side looks like a loser in front of the media who can't wait to point fingers and call people winners and losers, we'll end up getting bits and pieces of a bill or a law. Rarely do we get a sweeping resolution on something. They give us little nuggets. Well, we'll give you a piece of health care. We'll give you a piece of immigration,

but we won't give it all to you just so it looks like, you know, you didn't win or we didn't win. And so it's ugly and it's off. and it nullifies your email, Albert, about the separation that you speak about between Obama and Trump and Congress and Republicans and Democrats. What it is is all of us, all of us citizens standing out here suffering while these two whiny bitches fight with each other. And we're all standing out here, regardless of your loyalty to a party, we're all standing

out here as citizens because that's what we are once you take the parties away. We're all just people trying to live, eat, work, have families, make money, heat our homes, put food in our mouths. And we can all stand around the UFC cage and hold hands and know that we are one voice. We are one unified race of human beings. And so the reason I talk about Donald Trump is that is he a wild card? Is he unpredictable? Is he a little dangerous?

Is he a little crazy? Yeah. But I want to see a guy like that come in and blow the shit out of, as I said, the system. The system is what's broken. and if Donald Trump can collapse it for both sides, look, Donald Trump has been used and abused and and ripped apart by his own party, just as much as he has been by the Democrats. The Republicans have done everything in their power to knock this guy off his soap box. So is, so, so are the Democrats. It's, it's sickening. And you know why the Republicans are so scared

of Donald Trump and are trying to wipe him out, it's because of what I just said. They don't want to lose their system, their system that they're comfortable in, their system that lines their wallets, their system that they're used to, the system that's ineffective, but keeps them in power, keeps them in play, keeps them relevant, keeps them important. If Donald Trump was on the Democrat side, I'd still vote for. for Donald Trump. I don't care what side he's on. I want a guy like Donald Trump. Fuck an allegiance to a party. My allegiance is to all of us. The citizens of the United States of America, the human beings, that's my allegiance. I don't give a fuck about Hillary's

platform or Donald Trump platform. Most of it's bullshit and lies. And if you don't see that, I'm worried about you. And so what I hope is that a guy, a radical, a dangerous outside of the box thinker, can come in and explode this shitty going nowhere system that is holding all of us back. Are there incremental steps forward here and there and sideways? Sure. but do you think that America's moving at the pace and the speed it should be moving

if America was a car do you think we'd be a clean running high octane fucking speed machine ripping down the racetrack or would you say were a clunky oil gunked up battery dying, broken windshield wiper, low air pressure in the tire,

you know, dodge neon, clunking down a highway full of potholes and cracks. Because if you say that we're a super fast, slick racing machine with the engine humming, I think you're living in an illusion. And that's what America used to be, and that's what America should be. That's what America deserves to be, and that's what America can be. And that's what the world used to think America was. And I'm not talking about flexing military muscle and being bullies and trying to police the world. I'm just talking about the people, the citizens, the business, the societies, the ideas, the inventiveness, all that stuff firing on all

systems of, you know, modern roads, modern transportation systems, modern bridges, modern airports, modern schools. But we're not. We're a clunky old, beat-up rusty car rolling down the road. Not much has changed since we bought that car in 1975. Why aren't we fucking, we should be a Tesla right off the line. We should be whipping down the road at lightning speed and a. modern vehicle, high-tech, slick, intelligent, and the envy of everyone who looks at it,

not in a cocky, demeaning way, but in a way that makes people strive to be bigger and better and smarter. And in doing so, create a better world. And instead, we have this fucked up, egocentric, self-serving political system where these two bickering, bickering, old parties that remind me of fucking shitty neighbors yelling at each other over the fence and hoping that one of them gives in or one of them gets their way or you know it's just it's it's so immature and disgusting that it makes me sick and so Albert I really respect your opinion I really respect your letter and I hope that that you would go outside of the parameter of your mind

and start to look at politics through the prism of a system. What is a system that works and what is a system that it works for the people? Picking sides and throwing rocks and calling names and saying he said, she said, ain't going to get us nowhere, man. we as a country need to visualize that sleek, finely tuned Tesla, whipping down the road and figuring out a way that everyone has the ability to drive it, everybody has the ability to touch it, everybody has the ability to ride in its wake and go along for the ride. and I believe we're smart enough, we're industrious enough,

we're just creative, great people in this country, and we're not shining right now. The system is not letting us shine, not only to our own people, but to the rest of the world. And so I don't care if Trump comes in and blows it up and dismantles the system. And who knows, Albert, maybe because he is such an outsider, maybe this guy with his wild ideas and his different way of doing things

and calling things the way he sees them, you know, change isn't always a bad thing. You know, if you make a change and you don't like it, you can change it back or you can change it to something else. But for the last few decades, there ain't been a lot of change, even though politicians will stand up there and tell you how much they've changed. But if you really look into it, if you really open up some books and some newspapers, and you really research how much President Obama or George Bush has changed stuff in the last 20 years, I think you're going to be disappointed, buddy.

I hate to say it, and I'm not picking some. sides. I said George Bush and President Obama. So I'm not picking sides. But I would think about getting my head out of this loyalty to a party that I hate to throw cold water

on your face has very little loyalty to you. You know, think of these politicians and these parties as a manipulative stranger. Imagine picking up a hitchhiker. And the hitchhiker, you knew nothing about them and you said, oh, well, where are you going? And the hitchhiker was really

smooth and crafty and good at using words and good of playing mind games. And you were going down the road to Boston, but he wanted to go to Minnesota and somehow within two hours of sitting in your car, he was able to smooth talk you and manipulate you into driving them all the way to Minnesota. You let him out in Minnesota and then you're standing there going, shit, wasn't I supposed to be going to Boston? Well, that's what these smooth-talking wheeler-dealer, snake-oil politicians are doing. And, you know, history will show that if it isn't Donald Trump, my friend,

someone else will come along. Because this system can't last. It has to explode. It has to implode. Someone else will come along and pray that it isn't someone that's radical. like a dictator or like a Hitler. At least with Donald Trump, you can look at a guy who's kind of the epitome of the American dream. He's a self-made billionaire who took the American standard, the American principle,

to follow your dreams, shoot for the stars, be as big as you can. And this guy's used that and done it and turned everything he's done pretty much into a success. along the road to success there's failures but this guy has way way more successes than he does failures and that takes a smart man that takes intelligence that takes a certain mindset and sometimes you need an outside of the box mindset

to stir things up I've said this before the guy who mapped the human DNA was a scientist he was a surfer dude that was outside of the circle of traditional scientists. I met a prominent scientist who told me this story. I think I've said it before, but this was a guy that no one in the scientific community really liked. They thought he was a wild card.

They thought he was a whack job. And these guys spent trillions of dollars and trillions of hours of time trying to map the human DNA or the human chromosome or whatever it is. and they were stumped time after time and all of a sudden this wacky guy who used to hang out at the beach and wear surfer shirts and stuff

the outsider, the nutty guy that everyone kind of thought would ruin everything and didn't know what the fuck he was doing. Guess who, guess what he did? He's the guy that found the answer. And his answer is leading to so much more scientific

discoveries, his mapping of the human DNA or the human chromosome, whatever it is, has opened the door to isolating cures for diseases and figuring out how human beings work and preventing diseases and it's unbelievable. But it took a wacky outsider to kind of blow up the staunch beliefs and the staunch feelings of everyone else in the community. So I would say keep an open mind. Let a whack job or a guy, I won't even call him a whack job. You know, for all the insults Trump's been handed, why don't you look at what he did? This is a guy that wiped out 18 opponents, 18 well-seasoned politicians that come from the very system I've been talking about, Albert. And he blew them out of the water.

He destroyed them, and did he do it in an unconventional way? He sure did, but that doesn't matter. The end result is he did it. And there's a genius to that, man. It's not easy what he did, but he did it. Whether it was through insults or whether it was through his tact or whether it was through his planning, this guy found a way to beat everyone else. And that takes some smarts, man.

You know, you can't just say that it's a fluke or an accident. This guy has figured out a way to change the game. And I wouldn't ignore that so easily. And you've got to figure if he's hell-bent on changing the game and fighting and clawing his way to try and be president, I have a feeling this guy could get shit done. I have a feeling he can make a difference. I have a feeling that he can move the needle.

and even if he doesn't, I'm willing to give him a chance because I think the outsider can do a lot more than these stale fucking agenda-riddled politicians that lie to our faces, they have affairs, they swindle money, they cheat, they lie, they have secret bank accounts, they all this stuff. You know, the scandals never end on both sides of the aisle and enough man

and enough for me boy oh boy look at you Albert your letter got me fired up and I hope you take my response to you as not trying to tear apart

or tell you how to vote or lean with your politics all I'm asking you is to maybe to open your mind and expand your horizons beyond the the nattering voice of whoever your candidate is and instead of looking at someone on a podium telling you all this bullshit look around what's around the candidate it's like if you see a cow in a field okay

focus on the cow but then look around the field what's out in the field what's around Don't get caught up and being, you know, staring at the jingling silver keys. Oh, shiny stuff. Because they are masters. They are good at pulling you in and keeping you focused, almost like hypnotists. Think for yourself. Be careful about being so tied up in an allegiance to a party because both of them are crooked.

And maybe start getting your head. around how can we blow up this system and rebuild it so that it works and things start happening for all of us and I'll leave it right there wow holy smoke that was the list this is the longest email I've ever had good Lord so food for thought um some of you might have tuned out like three minutes into this but you know I just you know Albert's struck a chord with me and I appreciate his letter and above and beyond all, Albert, I do respect your opinion and I would never paint you as being an idiot or stupid because of your political leanings. And I would say to you be just as open from your side towards other

people. It's okay to disagree, but you know, you have to let other people have their point of you just as they need to let you have your point of view. And you can't paint them with a brush. You just have to respectfully go, I don't agree. And if you can explain why you don't agree, even better. So we'll leave it there. Holy smokes. Wow, I'm exhausted. I'm going to go get a sweetest massage from Hillary Clinton right now. I'll have Trump pour the oil all over my glistening body and Hillary can massage me. I mean, She's working for me, right? These politicians are working for us.

So you know what, you little bastards, massage me. 90-minute Swedish massage from Trump and Hillary. I want Enya playing in the background. I want scented candles. I want eucalyptus oil. And when it's done, I want Hillary and Trump to slow dance to lady and red in the dimly lit room will I put my clothes on? There you go.

Good imagery, right, Albert? Hey, thanks for listening, man. I appreciate you writing in, and I will try to keep up the funny stuff. This commentary wasn't so funny, but, you know, I like to answer your letters honestly and thoroughly. And this was a very good email. I don't think emails are on paper, buddy.

What do you have to say for yourself? Well, you know, Guy, I've tried to tell you, but you don't want to listen. And we heard a little bit of paper crumpling in the background, like you were getting out a letter to read. You said you were reading an email. I'm telling you, I'm reading my email, my computer. You know what? I don't think emails are on paper, buddy. What do you have to say for yourself?

Look, I told you, dude. There's a round brownie. all right roj close up the mailbag that's it for today uh thank you for writing in everybody close it up roge um another letter from our last birthday oh yeah there you go hey thank you everybody for writing in sorry if i got a little long-winded on the end there but hey it happens um if you want to write to me uh it's at harlowewiliams.com There's a contact link on the page, and you can certainly, certainly drop me a letter.

It can be as serious as Alberts, or it can be as silly as a $3 grasshopper with a turbanon. It doesn't matter to me. I try to answer them honestly, thoroughly, and efficiently. And if you're too lazy to write and you'd rather leave me a voicemail, you can do that too. 323-739-43330. That's 323-739-43330. That number is also on the website, harlomwilliams.com, if that makes it easier for you. And while you're there, we have a wonderful online store, or if you want to buy some fun merchandise, you can always do that. We have all kinds of great stuff. And also, please check out our premium membership, $20 a year.

Get you all our archived episodes, almost 800 archived episodes, $20 a year, plus special bonus material. My complete other podcast that I do from time to time called Let's Have a Fight, which is a wonderful podcast where comedians and actors have verbal boxing matches. It is a blast. You can only hear it if you're a premium member. You also get recordings of my live stand-up comedy as I work on new material. materials as I spritz with the audience. Tons of fun. So please join up. It's only $20 a year. What you do is you get the app on your app store. You can have the Harland Highway app on your phone

and listen to the Harland Highway really easily wherever you're traveling. Put your little earbuds in. You can listen on a plane. You can listen at work. You can listen while you're working out. Oh, it's so much fun. And that's free. The app is absolutely free. You get the most current 50 episodes of the Harlan Highway. Absolutely free. And then if you feel like you want to do the upgrade, there is a function on the app to do that. Or you can do it at my website at the podcast link at Harlan Williams.com. So thank you for everyone who's joined. I hope you're enjoying the premium content. And for those of you that are thinking of it or haven't done it yet, please get on board. It's only 20 bucks. And we kind of funnel the money back into

all this output we're doing with our podcast experience. So that's awesome, guys. Thank you for being here. We went a little long today. Normally, I'm not this long, but, you know, I got into it with Albert. Crazy Albert. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah, Albert.

So keep the letters and the correspondence coming. And that's it, man. I better get back into my paper emails and check them out. And while I'm doing that, until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. What do you have to say for yourself?