The Harland Highway - 778 - A legless woman calls the show. Scary FRUITS!

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

A woman who lost her legs calls the show. When fruits turn scary. Calls from the Pavement Pounders! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ding dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the witch is dead. Thank God. I've been waiting for that witch to die forever. But we're alive. We're all alive here at the Harland Highway podcast. You're alive, I'm alive, and we are going to commune and come together and share a podcast together. We're going to share thoughts, we're going to share laughs, we're going to share tears and emotions. We're just going to be together. What a show we have today. We're going to take some of your phone calls. We're going to take some of your phone calls today.

Hear what you have to say. Also, I'm going to be talking about a type of fruit. Have you ever read a fruit that scares you or creeps you out or intimidate you? I've got some fruit that's got me weirded out, man. So we're going to be talking about that. Also, a crazy news story, a woman in, the United Kingdom had a severe trauma, a severe physical accident. And the news story's crazy.

But then on top of that, Roger, my producer, was able to get in touch with her over in London. And she's going to be calling in later to talk about this horrific accident. And we can't wait to hear how she's coping. She lost some body parts. So hang in for that. We don't want to lose you because this is the heart. Harland Highway. Where are I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is found. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

Okay, does somebody please? Charles, Nelson Ryan. Does somebody please want to tell me what in the name of sweet Mother Mary and the Motherettes is going on with bananas? Does anyone know? Have you ever bought bananas? You know, you buy them in a bunch, a great big bunch of ripe bananas. They like a man, you won't go home. you buy a great big bunch of ripe bananas and you take them home and boy oh boy they ain't ripe for very long are they gang

hoary schmalk yeah um i don't know what it is with these bananas they sit on your counter and they start to turn pretty fast you know it's like day one you don't have one you walk into the kitchen oh there's my bananas i don't feel like one today You know, suddenly there's some black spots on it. You're like, Jesus, these banana, they were so nice and bright and yellow yesterday. Maybe I should get them to a dermatologist. It looked like they have melanoma. What are these black spots on my nice, clean yellow bananas? And then day two comes around and you go in and your banana looks like a leopard.

Looks like a bunch of leopard tails on a vine. It's like, what's with all these black spots all over my nice yellow bananas? And they're just getting sicker and sicker, but once they start turning, man, they go quickly. Like other fruit and vegetables don't go as quickly as bananas. And then like day three or four, forget about it. Any hint of yellow is gone. You've just got these giant black things It looks like a gorilla paw

I got a gorilla paw sitting in my fruit bowl I got some kind of monster claw This big big giant black fingers All clumped together Trying to grab the other fruit They're kind of scary They're like cancer hot dogs sitting in a bowl It's like a magic, magic severed gorilla pop.

Maybe I should make a wish on my rotten bananas. I wish I had some nice, fresh yellow bananas is what I wish. But man, what is it? Take it easy, bananas. Why you got to go rig a mortis on my ass so quickly? Slow down the death and decay thing a little bit there. They're like the zombies of vegetables. of fruit.

It's like fear the walking banana. Good Lord. I just kind of feel bad for the bananas too, you know, at least if an apple goes bad or a orange goes bad. You can't really see it that much,

you know? But this, it's like watching an old relative die in the cancer ward. Oh, I'm not feeling too good today. I'm a banana. I've got giant black spots all over my skin. Anybody got any jergin skin moisturizer? Maybe that'll help. Or maybe if someone would fucking eat me, I wouldn't be dying here of cancer. So I don't know. I think I might have to back off the bananas, man. I mean, the only upside is at least you know the thing's rotten. You know, I guess there's nothing worse than biting into an apple or an orange or some other kind of fruit. You don't really realize it's rotten until it's in your mouth, and you're like, good God, this tastes like a donkey's ass.

What's with you, plumb? Why couldn't you be more like a banana and let me know? Why couldn't you get skin cancer and turn black? Good Lord. Oh, I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm going to be all creeped out that the giant black gorilla paw is going to be crawling out of the fruit bowl and pulling itself along the floor. Like a horror movie, like there's an old horror movie called The Hand. Remember that?

The Hand? I'm just picturing this giant brown black gorilla paw climbing out of the fruit bowl onto the floor and crawling across my living room floor down the hallway into my bedroom. All of a sudden, I wake up out of a nice sleep and I feel something on my throat. It's like the gorilla paw, the banana gorilla paw. Why did you let me go stale? Why did you eat me? Uh-huh. Get off.

Oh, God. Food, food, food. The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff All right, here we go Let's do it

Let's do a crazy news story Because this one really They're all winners But this one, this one Good Lord, this one has a leg up On all the others No pun intended Here's the headline, everybody

mom goes to hospital to give birth, leaves legless. Now, right out of the gate, that doesn't make any sense to me. How's she going to leave if she's got no legs? But yeah, you heard it right. She goes into the hospital to give birth to a baby and leaves legless. This is in the United Kingdom. A mom delivered her eight healthy child at a hospital. but a medical glitch

caused the woman to lose both legs as a result a medical glitch excuse me doctor the baby has been delivered okay lovely now let's remove her legs why would we do that doctor I don't know why wouldn't we

well you have a point doctor apparently this 31 year old Ella Clark had a potentially dangerous placenta condition during pregnancy common with women who have had cesareans. Clark delivered most of her other children that way, and remember, she's had eight. She suffered complications during this C-section that caused her to lose 12 pints of blood. Okay, this is becoming a little clearer, but oh my God, I don't even like to think of 12 pints of blood. I'm getting queasy.

She delivered a healthy baby girl, Winter Rose, the newspaper reports, but Clark needed five blood transfusions and an emergency hysterectomy. Doctors placed a turnicay. Doctors placed the mother into an induced coma, and while she was under, blood clots formed in her legs and halted circulation. Surgeons were forced. to sever both legs below the knee. Oh, my God. I don't mean to make light of it, but, you know, it's kind of lucky this happened after the baby came out

because, you know, when she was trying to deliver and the doctor was like, okay, love, put your legs up in the stirrups. Oh, wait a minute, you don't have any more legs. Um, well, try and hold your nubs in the air. point your stumps to the ceiling fan, would you, darling, so we can... I mean, good Lord. When the woman awoke, Mrs. Clark, she was unaware she had been in a coma for days

and ready to hold her newborn. Instead, I was told doctors had amputated my legs. Boy, that's nice, huh? Excuse me, could I hold my new infant baby, please? Absolutely, Mrs. Clark. By the way, before we hand you the little bundle of joy... Yes. We've chopped your legs off.

Oh, lovely. Could I have the baby now? What the fuck did you do? Nothing, we just chopped your legs off. You know, I'd stand up and kick you right in the testicles, but I guess I can't. No, you can't. Sorry. A hospital spokesman has expressed sympathy to Mrs. Clark and says they're conducting a full and thorough investigation.

But that's little consolation of Clark, who's now trying to acclimate to prosthetic legs. Her days as a busy, active mom, permanently unended. Yeah. Yeah. She says, what life can I have now? prove the newspaper adding that her kids are afraid to even hug her because they're scared by her stumps I'm sorry I'm laughing but that's

just whenever you hear the word stumps I could you my children are afraid to hug me they're scared of me stamps even at Christmas I put Christmas stockings over me stamps but they're still not food They still know That under me Christmas stockings

I've got me stamps Holy shit What about the baby that was born How about little What was her name? Rose, Winter Rose That chick's got to be having Some guilt when she gets older

Huh? Mother could use that against her Excuse me Winter Would you mind taking me to the store? Oh, Mummy, I'm going out with me mates. We're going down to the bowling alley. Oh, well, I wish I could bowl. I don't have any legs, though, Winter. And you know why I don't have any legs, don't you? Because I gave birth to you, you fucking twat. All right, Mother, I'll take you to the bowling alley.

And would you mind rubbing me stumps on the way there, darling? Oh, my God. The kids are afraid to hug her because they're scared by her stumps. She says this has impacted us far worse than you can ever imagine. The couple have started legal action against the hospital. Wow. I mean, look, it sounds like they weren't malicious about it. It sounds like they had to cut them off to save her life.

I don't think he can turn around. and sue people that, you know, if they hadn't cut her legs off, she would have died. So, you know, you got to ask that question. What's fair? What's right? Excuse me, Winter, would you be a love? It's a bit chilly in here today. Would you run upstairs and get your mom's sweater?

Oh, mommy, can't you get it yourself? Well, I would if I could, winter, but, you know, I lost me fucking legs giving birth to you, and I can't very well run up and down the stairs on me fucking bruised stumps now, can I? Oh, mommy? And well, you add it, why don't you come over here and rub me stumps, love? Rub me rubbery stumps, oh God. Yes, mummy. Shall I lick them?

Yes, lick them. Lick me, dirty, pointy, bruised up stumps. Oh, my God. We should try and get this lady on the phone, Roger. I mean, this is an interesting story. Do you think you can dig her up? All right, let's see if Roger can get her on the phone and we can talk to her.

I think this story warrants a conversation. It's pretty intense. So while we're doing that, let's jump into something else right now. Let's just grab one of your phone calls from the pavement pounders. Well, Rod, are you looking her up? You're going to track her down over in the UK? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun.

Liam Neeson. Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly Dog. Chili Dog, not included. The Naked God. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. All right, let's listen to one of your phone messages, and then when we come back after that, hopefully we'll have Ms. Clark on the line.

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Mike from North Carolina, and just want to let you know that I'm a big fan of your show, and definitely a huge fan of Rocket Man. And God wish that would come back on for a sequel, and then you would fulfill your show. sequel dream but uh don't think it'll ever happen but i'm still rooting for it good luck and again love your show chicken chalmayne baby oh hey michael what a what a wonderful uh what a wonderful voicemail thank you uh so much for listening to the show and yes i will never give up on a sequel

to rocket man i mean you never know in life what happened you know but uh i'm so glad you like that movie. So many people still watch that movie and love that movie. It was one of my favorite movies to make. And, uh, you know, we'll keep a candle in the window. And who knows? Maybe before I'm 90, we, uh, we get back up in space and, uh, and, uh, you know, do the sequel to Rocket Man. Thanks for your call, man. I appreciate you listening. Uh, let's take another call. Hello? Oh, my God. I don't want to be on the show. I'm scared. Hello. Hey, Arlen. My name's Derek, I just had a question for you. I'm having some trouble deciding on Halloween costume.

I figured you'd have some good ideas and let us the pavement pounders have them. Thanks. Oh, yeah, Derek, I got the perfect Halloween costume for you. You ready? This will be great for you. Why don't you go out dressed as a calendar? Yeah. And on the date, October 31st, just put a big red circle around it because that's when Halloween is.

This is summer, dude. We're in the middle of the summer, but I got to be honest, if you showed up at my door on a hot, warm, sticky June night dressed as Darth Vader or Spider-Man or Wonder Woman with a pillow slip

and it was dark, and I answered my door and you were like, trick-or-treat, I'd either shoot you or I'd laugh my head off. So, yeah, dude, why don't you dress up as a calendar?

Hello? Oh, my God. I don't want to be on the show. Oh, I'm scared. Hello. Oh, my God. Hello. Oh, I'm scared.

Hello. I was watching hockey earlier, and I noticed there wasn't many black people in it. Is it because hockey doesn't like them, or they don't like hockey, or is it when white people swing sticks, they run? Oh, I'm scared. No, you're right, kid. There's not a lot of black people in hockey. You know, I think there's, wow. From what I can see, and I watch quite a bit of hockey, I'd say maybe there's.

a dozen, maybe a dozen, maybe 20 from what I can see. And I don't even know if it's that many. And over the course of hockey, over the course, if we're talking about the NHL, I'm not, I mean, there's probably a lot more black people in hockey in general, but if we're talking about the NHL, I mean, the ratio's crazy. It's primarily, it's like kind of the opposite of basketball.

basketballs, the majority of players are black with some white. And with hockey, the majority is white with a few blacks. And as far as Asians go, there's hard. I don't know if there's any Asian hockey players. I know there's some Asian basketball players, Asian baseball players, but I don't know if I've seen any Asian hockey players. So hopefully all that changes because, you know, you want everyone in there, man. Throw everyone in the mix.

As far as black people being chased by sticks, a kid, news alert, nobody, white, black, Asian, Indian, whatever, likes to be chased by someone with a stick. Okay? Hockey's not about chasing people with a stick. It's about using the stick to shoot the puck. Come on, kid. Come on. You're starting to sound almost as crazy as Cinnamon Boy or Campfire Timmy. And I don't even want to talk about.

What? Hold on. Well, okay. Sorry to cut you off, kid. Thanks for the calls, everybody. Speaking of calls, Rogers says he has this lady Nancy from the United Kingdom on the line. She's calling him from the UK. All right.

And apparently she went in to give birth to her eighth. child. And when she woke up from a coma, both her legs have been amputated below the knee. And apparently she's got stubs, but we'll let her tell the story. Put her through, Roj. Uh, hello, Mrs. Clark, are you there, ma'am? Yes, ma'am. This is Harlan Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Oh, how are you? Good to hear from you all. And how's the weather there Are you here in the United States? Yes, ma'am. I'm in California, sunny.

California, it's nice and warm and sunny. Oh, I'm so envious of your whole, and it's always so great and dreary here in London. I know, ma'am. I know. What can I say? Well, it's always lovely for you to call me on such short notice. I understand you should read my story in the newspaper.

Yes, ma'am. And first of all, we just want to say, you know, how upset we are and we feel sorry and sad for what you've had to endure, what you had to go through. Well, it is a beautiful, you know, it's a real kicker is what it is. A real what, ma'am? A real kicker. A real kicker? Yes, it's just a, you know, it's a real kicker. Well, I wouldn't say kicker.

I mean, you don't have any legs. I'm sorry? Nothing, ma'am. So can you tell us a little bit about what you're going through or what the situation is with the hospital? Well, as you know, Harley, I went and had my eighth little child and I had a caesarian section. It was my seventh cesarean section, you see.

I've got so many scars on my stomach that people thought I was out. Actually, I worked at a cotton plantation during the slave days, and I was hung up and whipped on my belly. I'm sorry? Yeah, I've got so many scars on me tummy. It looks like I was whipped by a slave driver, Harlan. Uh, whoa, that is a lot of scars. Well, I've been cut open more times than a, you know, a red snapper at a sea.

food restaurant, really, when you think about it. Yes, yes, ma'am, I understand. So, you went in for your eighth child. Oh, my little snow, my little lovely snow. She's like, She's an angel hauling. Oh, I bet she is, but unfortunately there was a weird twist to this childbirth. It was, you know, I went in there, and I was having trouble, and, you know, that things got a little complicated and there was some internal bleeding and this thing I know I was asleep

and when I woke up uh you know I had stubs you had stubs yeah you had stubs yeah that's right you know I went I went to get up out of my bed and go to the loo and do a little tinkle and I fell right to the floor and smashed me chin and I thought what in the name of heavens is wrong with me what I did I fall so far out of bed, and I looked down, and oh, my God, my legs were gone. Oh, my God, and I've got these little stubs, and I, you know, I'm really upset because I wanted to join a soccer league, and I wanted to run a marathon, and I wanted to ride my new bicycle all, and now I can't, can I? Well, no, I guess you can't. Boy, that's unfortunate.

But what I have learned to do, Arlen, is drag myself along on my arms, right? I can drag myself along like a seal. Like a seal? Right. Have you ever seen a seal on the beach, jumping, flapping along on the sand, with his forearms running on the beach? Yes, ma'am. Well, that's what I do when I go shopping for groceries.

If I go to church, I go down to the pub to have a pint in the afternoon, I just run down the sidewalk on my hands, my little stubs flapping behind me, and I make seal noises. Would you like to hear them hauling? Did you say you make seal noises? Well, I might as well if I'm running down the sidewalk on my hands with my stubs flapping in the hair. And why do you make seal noises?

Well, if I'm going to look like a seal, I might well sound like one for God's sake. Ah, okay, let's hear your seal noises. Okay, here it is. Picture me running down the sidewalk on my hands going to church, and my little stub's flapping in the air bumping on the sidewalk, and I'm like, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay, that's good, ma'am. Okay, that's good, ma'am. Okay. Mrs. Clark. Mrs. Clark! I'm sorry, Harlan. I'm sorry. I get carried away. Wow, that's a bit intense. And sometimes just for fun, I'll balance a beach bowl on me nose

when I'm walking down the sidewalk with my stubs, flat in the air and whatnot. You balance a beach ball on your nose? It's actually quite nice that other people in the neighborhood get quite a kick out of it. A lot of them come out of the front doors and throw sardines at me, and I'll jump up and snap them right out the air. Well, jump up as much as one can jump up on rotten, bumpy stubs. Wait a minute. So you're flying down the sidewalk with your stubs behind you.

You're making sealed noises. You're balancing a beach ball on your nose. And the people on your street and in the neighborhood are throwing sardines at you, like you're at a sea world marine land show? Exactly. And, you know, the fish are full of protein hauling, so it helps me move along. And if anyone's got a swimming pool,

I'll dive in the water and jump up. And it's a lot of fun, I must say. I don't think my stubs would be so much fun. Wow. So it sounds like you've kind of almost adjusted to these stubs, you know, more than, you know, First, it sounded, according to the article, you were considering a lawsuit and you were upset. But now I feel like it's like everything happens for a reason, Holland, and I thought to myself,

life in another life, I was a seal. You were a what? If I was a seal in another life, and now, oh, I got a sardine starting me, just a minute. it is. You mind if I re-digested, Arlen? What do you mean? Well, sometimes I cough up the sardines and re-eat them. Ah, I wish you were... Oh, hey, excuse me.

Okay, you were saying about being reincarnated? Well, I feel like I've been another life. You know, we all believe that in another life we were another animal, or were we some kind of other thing. So I think I've come to realize that, in another life, Holland, I was a seal, and now I've come back full circle with me little flapping stubs.

Wow. Whoa, you know, I'm just catching my breath here. I don't blame you, Holland. It's quite shocking, isn't it? Well, how's your relationship with your daughter? With snow? I mean, is there any friction between you, too? Because, you know, you know, she is kind of

reason that you lost your legs. Well, we do have ups and downs all. And, you know, sometimes I do get a little bit of my temper going, and if she's not behaving herself, I'll put one of my stubs around the back of her head, and with my other stub, I'll slap her across the face. You know, it's all about being a parent and administering discipline. Wait a minute, you slap her with your stubs? Well, it's like a spanking, isn't it?

Except I lock the back of her head so she can't move. And I slap her in the face back and forth about 12 times with me stub, with me right stub, just slap, slap, slap, slap, until she starts drawing and learns a lesson. So it looks like, you know, when she goes to school with black eyes and whatnot, she has to tell her principal. She's been stubbed by her own mother. Wow, that's intense.

Holy God. Anyways, Harland, it's not as bad as it seems. I'm learning to cope with it. And soon maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to join the soccer team I've always dreamed of. And, you know, I can kick the ball with me stabs. Well, you certainly have an optimistic outlook. It sounds like you're adjusting pretty good. And, you know, we wish you all the best, Mrs. Clark, and, you know, you and your little daughter.

Um, you know, congratulations for coping with a bad situation. Oh, thank you, Harlan. And before you go, would you like, you sound like such a nice boy. Would you like me to do you a painting? A painting, ma'am? Yes, what I do is I dip me stubs in paint and grape juice and crushed up, you know, berries. And I get a canvas and I do what's called stub art. Did you say stub art?

That's right, Holland. I've invented my own way of doing painting, you see. And I'll get me stubs covered in paint and oil and berry juice. And I just rub my stubs all over the canvas, and I make the most outlandish. And people are paying for this stub art. People are paying for the stub art? I got $10,000 for I did a portrait of Queen Elizabeth with me stub.

and I've got 10,000 quid for it. Can you believe it? Wow. Well, you really are an optimistic person. I'm going to send you. I'll do a painting, Arland, of me slapping me little daughter in the face with one of me stubs. Would you like that? I guess so. But thank you for joining us today, Miss Clark. Ms. Clark, are you okay? Sorry, Harlan. It's just its feeding time.

My neighbor's standing out on his diving board in his backyard with his pool wiggling a sardine over the water. So I'm going to go and jump in and have an afternoon snack some sardines and tea. Okay, thank you, Mrs. Clark. Best of luck. Thank you, Harlan. Oh, my God. Holy God.

Is she gone? Roger? What, did I just hear what I thought I heard? It sounded like she's gone? Well, it sounded like she was off to her neighbor's yard to jump for fish. She sounded a little bit too excited almost. I call me crazy, but I almost got the impression she was enjoying these stubs. It sounds like they totally transformed her life.

Is it possible that having her legs cut off was some kind of manifest destiny that just, you know, she's an artist, she's the neighborhood loves her, she's doing an animal seal show at the aquarium. I mean, wow. I thought that phone call was going to be like a giant downer, but this woman's just, You can't keep her down. You can't keep her off her stubs. Wow. Madness.

Jeez. Well, I think we should wrap the show up right there. I don't know if we can top. See you, lady. Whoa. All right. Well, thanks for being here, everybody. Don't forget to join the premium membership.

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Digital downloads. Come on, man. So check it all out. And I do thank you for being here. It is an honor and a pleasure to have you, and I hope you're doing good. And until next time, you know what I'm going to say. Chicken. Chowman, baby!

Oh, my God. I don't want to be on the show. I'm scared.