The Harland Highway - 779 - Call from a TERRORIST. Question of the day. Russian Roulette with Charles Manson

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

A very intense call from an apparent terrorist. The question of the day involves seafood. Musical brainwashing by Harland, and a game of Russian Roulette with Charles Manson. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, what a show, what a shoe. No, I said shoe at the end, and I meant show. This is not a shoe by any means. Maybe a slipper, because it's comfortable, but not a shoe. Welcome to the Harland Highway, y'all. I'm Harlan Williams. This is the podcast, the Harlan Highway podcast. I'm your host.

And, man, what a show today. Yes, I'm going to do it again. I've done it in the past. It's been a while since I've done it. I'm going to brainwash you with a song. Yep, I'm going to play a song over and over so it gets in your head and you don't think you're going to sing it or hum it at some point in the very near future, but you will.

My brainwashing always works. Also, we have a very serious call. We actually somehow got linked up with a real, this is scary, folks, a real terrorist. Okay? This is not messing around. This is a dangerous guy. We are going to be talking on the phone to someone who's actively claiming to be involved in terrorism. So this is going to be intense.

Also, the question of the day, we have a wonderful question of the day that could be delicious. And then towards the end of the show, Russian roulette. I will be playing a game of Russian roulette that I never lose with someone very famous. It's all here on the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. You have a buddy who knows a guy?

Well, Roger, that's pretty serious. Hello, folks. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm talking to my producer, Roger, in the booth here on my headset. And wow, so you have a buddy, you got a buddy who knows a guy who's a terrorist, like a terrorist? You think he might be a terrorist. Jesus. Should we get them on the phone?

Can we even do that? Okay. Roger's telling me this guy has a, what, one of those phones, the disposable, like, sim card phones where you can't trace the call? Well, where are we calling them from? Where's he calling?

We don't know. Jesus, I don't know. I don't know if we should be talking to a guy like that. I mean, the world we live in with, God, the terrorist bombings everywhere and blow-ups and yikes. Maybe we owe it to our audience to talk to this guy. I mean, this is something that affects all of us. It touches us almost on a daily basis now.

Somewhere in the world, someone's, you know, committing an act of terrorism with explosives. Really? Okay, all right, folks, this is serious stuff. We're going to, let's put this guy through. Do we know where he's from, who he is? Does he have a name? He says, what? He says to call him Waldo?

As in, as in where's Waldo? From the kid's storybook? Because, okay, Roger's telling me, because he can never be found. You never know where he is. Okay, Waldo, okay, this is going to be, I'm a little intimidated to take this call, man. This is weird. All right, put Waldo through and let's see what we can learn from a real act, according to Roger's buddy, an act of terrorist.

Put him through. God. Um, wow, hello? Hello? Hello? Okay, I don't hear anyone, Roger. Are you sure this guy's on the line? Hello?

Is there someone there? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello, Mr. Williams. Yes, hello, we're here. Where are you? I cannot say where I am.

You can't say where you are? That's not a good idea, Mr. Williams. Wow. Wow. Okay. I, uh, ooh, this is, this is a little, uh, a little intimidating. I understand. It's not every day you talk to it.

Your life terrorist. No, no, it's not, uh, how should I address you, um, sir? Just call me Waldo. Waldo? Yes, Waldo. Like, where's Waldo from the children's book? Yes, where's Waldo? because you never know

where's Waldo you never know where's Waldo that's what I said Mr. Williams You never know where's Waldo

so you better watch your back I better be very very careful because wherever you go if you go to the bar if you go to the cheesecake factory

if you go to the the church you go to the airport. You always have to ask yourself at the back of your head. Where's?

Waldo. That's a little chilling, sir. Boy, oh boy. Can I just get right to it? Why do you do this stuff? Why not?

Why not, Mr. Williams? The world is changing quickly. Some people like to strap on a GoPro camera. Some people like to snowboard. Some people like to jump out of an aeroplane. Me, I like to make fun. Oh, that's just chilling.

I'm going to keep it very real here, sir. I'm not going to sugarcoat this. That's chilling. You just sent a shiver up my spine. Good. I hope I give you goose pimples Well you know You sound a little ominous and a little

A little frightening I've never talked to someone like you before Good I hope I make your nipples hard Pardon me sir You heard Waldo Why do you do this sir Can I ask why do you

Why do you take your Your radical outlook on the world, out on the rest of the innocent people of the world? Innocent, Mr. Williams. Hold on a second. I can't stop laughing. Could you say it again, please? Sir, I don't appreciate this. Say it again.

The innocent people of the world? Sir, sir, sir, that's just the way of me going to make a mockery of me. I'll tell you, Mr. Williams. The United States of America. a mockery of the whole world, the United States of America, and the free world they think they own and they control everything well. I've got a little bomb in my briefcase that tells me maybe Waldo.

Waldo controls the world. Well, boy, this is just... little creepy, but, you know, sir, maybe I can't argue with you. When you say you're walking around with a bomb, I'm not liking this conversation, but in a way you do hold the cards, don't you? And I'm just going to say it because I think we're having an honest conversation here, but it's perverse, sir. It's very perverse and twisted, and I don't like it,

and I'd only get any of my listeners like it. Oh, why don't I send you a box of Kleenex? You can dry your eyes. Why don't I send you some nice soft, fluffy Kleenex tissues? You can wipe up the little tears coming out of your eyes. Sir, did you find this funny? Well, you do hear me laughing, don't you, Mr. Williams? Yeah, I do hear you laughing, and people are dying all over the world.

I don't find any of this funny at all. I mean, just the fact that you wake up in the morning, and are you telling me you build bombs? Yes, of course, saying to Mr. Williams. Where are you now, sir? I cannot say. I cannot tell you where I am, Mr. Williams, but just know. wherever you go wherever you see

you think to yourself wait a minute where's Waldo oh you know sir to take a beloved kids book character

I even have the striped red and white sweater Mr. Williams set a little beanie cap wait a minute you're telling me you dress Like, I have the glasses and a little prompon on top of my head. You actually are dressing like Where's Waldo?

You better watch out, Mr. Williams. Sir, this is just, you're making me very uncomfortable. Good. I want the whole world to be uncomfortable, Mr. Williams, because. Time is ticking. What are you doing, sir, Mr. What are you doing, sir? Time is ticking Mr. Williams. Could you stop that, please?

It's rather disturbing. Tick-tock, tick-tok, where's Waldo? Sir? I'm going to ask you, and this is not easy, because, you know, you've disrupted a lot of lives. You've got the whole world on the edge of its seat, because we never know where or when you're going to strike, and it's just the fact that your target,

as they say, soft targets. That's right, Mr. Williams. Have you ever had soft ice cream? Soft ice cream? Like at the Dairy Queen? Yes, I've had soft ice cream at the Dairy Queen. Well, maybe you better look around the Dairy Queen and see if there's somebody sitting there with a striped.

That's your name, isn't it? Red and white shirt. and some sick of black glasses and a little hat with a bomb on it Mr. Williams. Stop it! I know that.

Good Lord, sir. Why do you make the... You know what? How do you make these bombs? It's not hard to make a bomb, Mr. Williams. It's not hard to make a bomb. It's quite simple. It's basic science and chemistry.

And any fool would go on the Internet and learn that or maybe a bomb. And you just use raw ingredients? Yes. It's very simple. I have right in front of me right now. I'm building a bomb as we speak. Wait a minute, sir. You are building a bomb as we speak. Roger I don't know if I can continue this

call Stop the ticking I don't recommend you tell me what to do Mr. Uriot I'm giving the orders here Okay Sir how do you make a bomb It's very simple

You just take this in monia You pour it into this can You add some sodium nitrate You connect with the copper wiring Just like this You put Some high end

Very volatile Liquid nitrogen You pour Oh my God What Holy fuck Whoa! Whoa!

Hello? What the... Roger? What was that? Holy shit! Shit. Okay. Whoa.

Let's go to a commercial. Uh. Oh, he's gone. Is he... I think he... I think he might have just blown himself up. If you'd like to make a call... You know what? Good riddance, fucking asshole.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your office. Good riddance. Let's go to a commercial. So I need to clear my head. Wow. That was fucking heavy, man. Whoa. Oh, mighty ISIS.

Dedicated foe of evil. Defender of the week. Champion of truth and justice. Almighty ICE. I didn't win. I lost. Is it a lesson that I never met him? Gotta get out of the smell that I'm under

My love for you What do you have to be a heartbreaker When I was being what you want me to be But such as everything I ever wanted Has passed me by Hey, Highland, this is Bill, Trueax, up in Cooperstown, New York. You played a song here a while ago trying to get stuck in our heads, and it didn't actually get stuck in my head,

but I just got in the truck, turned on the radio, and that song was playing. I didn't even notice it was playing until I started singing to it, because I guess it did actually get in my head. Hey, keep doing what you're doing. Later. Yep, and I'm about to do it again, pavement pounders. That's right.

Every now and then, I brainwash you. I play a little riff, I play a little ditty from a popular song, and I am planted in your head, and you walk around going, there's no way I'll ever start humming or singing that out loud or singing it in the shower. You know, there's no way hard. Harlan's brainwashing's gonna work on me. My mind is too strong.

My brain is too powerful. He cannot brainwash me into singing a jingle. Well, suck on this. Why do you have to be a heartbreaker when I was being what you want me to be? And you're going, no, no, no. Harland, first of all, what are you doing listening to a cheesy old Dionne Warwick? song, and I'm like, well, I'm not. I pulled it out of the files to torment you with it.

And yes, you will hum it or sing it, or it'll be in your head. You know it will. You can fight it. You can pretend it's not going to happen, but all of you listening, at one point in the shower, driving, or doing something, you're going to be like, Why did you have to be a heartbreaker? When I would say, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Let it get in your skin. Let it get in your pores. Build it off. Here it come. Oh, why do you have to be a heartbreak? Oh, you're going to sing it. You're going to sing it. You're going to hum it.

You're going to be in the shower. You're going to fight it. You're telling yourself, not me, not me. Others will succumb to Harlan's brainwashing methods. But not me. I'm not going to sing, why did you have to be a heart? I think some of you are singing it right now, in fact. Most of you are probably right now it's running in your head and you're just, oh, it's going to happen.

I'm going to get you again. Only the very, very strong. Maybe 4% of you won't get caught in my Dionne Warwick. Why did you have to be a heartbreaker spider web? But the rest of you, you're done. You're done. Why do you have to be a heartbreaking? Is it a lesson there even new?

I'm selling everything I've ever wanted I love for you. Why do you have to be a heartbreaker Read out with me and what you want, be to be. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Notice I'm letting the music linger a little longer, just to make sure it's in there nice and deep. Oh, yeah.

The question of the day is a big question, yet it has to do with shrimps. That's my question of the day. How many damn shrimps have you eaten in your life? How many damn shrimps? And you know what shrimps are, right? Those little curly things that swim around in the sea. They look like commas, swimming commas,

or they look like the bass clef or the treble clef and on a music sheet. I think it's the bass clef. It's that little curl. It's like a little pink fleshy bass clap or a little pink fleshy comma, chubby little pink veiny comma with a tail. You know, I just started thinking about this recently. Like everywhere you look, they're shrimps. And you get shrimps in your food.

You get shrimps in your spaghetti. You get shrimps in your Indian food. You get shrimps in your Thai food. You get shrimps in your Chinese food. You get shrimp salads. You get shrimp cocktails. You get shrimp this, shrimp that. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I realized, God, I've probably eaten, you know, I picture shrimp. You ever seen video on Nature Show? of a giant school of shrimp in the ocean. It's like a black cloud of shrimp. They're just all twirling around like a shrimp ball,

like 40 feet wide and 60 feet deep, and all the fish come in and attack it. And I think about it and I go, I've probably eaten 60 feet deep and 40 feet wide of shrimp in my life. I mean, God, I've eaten a lot of shrimp. shrimp and i just can't you can't stop thinking about this question if i've eaten not many shrimp how many is everyone else eating and whenever you go to a buffet or a buffet there's always like tons of shrimp everywhere you go to any restaurant there's fried shrimp there's there's grilled

shrimp there's barbecued shrimp there's oh my god it's like that forest gump guy anyway like i was saying shrimp is the fruit of the sea You can bovote it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's um, shrimp kebabs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp. Shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. Okay. Wow, anything else?

That's about it. Well, that's probably not about it. I mean, shrimp dildo, shrimp onion rings, shrimp hairdo, shrimp lexas, shrimp potato face, shrimp cauliflower. I mean, you can put shrimp in front of everything. My wife's a shrimp, shrimp wife, shrimp daughter. I mean, I mean, think of it. Shrimp's. heart of your life.

At all stages of your life, there have been shrimps around. Okay? You can't say that there's been cauliflower all around or asparagus or teabone steaks. No, these are things that come and go, but shrimps are always around. They're just nutty little pudgy little curly cues. So my Carland Highway question of the day is how many shrimps do you think have been consumed since the beginning of shrimp fishing? I mean, can you imagine the number?

It's probably enough to fill an ocean. I mean, how many trillions, gazillions of shrimp have been eaten by human beings? Right now, there's 7 billion human beings on planet Earth and probably, six billion of them eat shrimp. How many of you personally eaten? You might as well, you know, you might as well transform yourself into a giant whale shark. If you could line up the giant cloud of shrimps you've eaten in the course of your life,

you might as well just be a giant whale shark with your mouth gaping open, gliding through the ocean, sucking in giant schools of shrimp. and that's it that's my question of the day how many damn shrimps have you eaten in your life well shark face the harland highway question

of the day hello hello hey harland about your bit on the murders at the mansion how many did they kill and how many of you killed

in Russian roulette, you two-faced hippocrypt. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Holy jumping. So I did a story a few weeks ago, a few episodes ago about my birthday party, my Bob Sagat birthday party

at the Charles Manson House, which was twisted. And now I get some feedback from one of the pavement pounders here about murders and and, you know, he brings up a good point that for all the murders Charles Manson might have been responsible for, I am guilty of having my fair share of blood on my hands

because for whatever reason, God has blessed me with the ability to be amazing at a game called Russian roulette, where Russian roulette is where you load a single bullet into the chamber of a six-shooter handgun. and you go back and forth with a partner and you see who shoots themselves in the head before the other one does. It's called Russian roulette.

And at the end of the game, someone's dead. And I've had so many challengers over the years. Celebrities, politicians, you name it, man. People come out of the wood. That's the thing when you're the best at something. There's always someone that wants to take it down. The only problem is, I don't want to be good at this. I don't want to be the champion of Russian roulette. I don't know why I have this God-given gift. But apparently I'm being told

now that Charles Manson is being let out on a special day pass from San Quentin Prison to come and play Russian roulette with me. Is he here? All right. Let's play a little commercial And when we come back, ladies and gentlemen, me and Charles Manson go toe to toe, head to head with a round of Russian roulette. And even though he's a hardened murderous criminal, I think I already know the outcome because I never lose this game. But let's see what happens. Rodge, play the commercial. We'll get set up with Manson and we'll go from there. Wow.

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Charles Manson is here in the studio sitting right across from me at a table with a loaded handgun between us. How are you, Charlie? It doesn't matter, man, how I'm doing. What matters is how the sun and the moon are doing together because we all have to live on this planet. Okay. Shall we play Russian roulette? Mr. Manson?

Yeah, why don't we play, man? Why don't we play? Okay. Do you want to go first? What's first? What's first? I mean, you know, what was first? Did God create the baby horse or did God create elephants?

Okay, you know what? Why don't you go first? Because I kind of want to win this time. And it'd be nice if you just like lost on the first round. You give me the gun, man. Oh yeah, yeah, this feels good, man. It's like Mother Earth. This is like the first time I socled on my mother's breast.

to feel like a gun in my hand is like it's like holding a brand new baby all over again even though I've never held one oh man okay can we just is it ready to go I think the whole universe is ready to go man okay let's you go first ready that that's it put the gun up to your temple and here we go bow bow bow bow wow wow wow wow okay well wow man it's like The hammer and the lock is like, oh, it's like watching the first caveman ever figure out how to start fire, and how to bring the world into its evolution, and the stars on the skies cluster together for an immaculate orgasm. All right, take it easy, Charlie. It's my turn. Hand me the gun.

Take it, take it as if I'm a priest offering an altar boy his sacrifice. All right, just give me the gun. Cut the drama. Ready? Oh, I'm always ready. I've been ready since the dawn of time. Just go. Okay, ready?

Bow! Bow! Oh, meow, meow, now! There, see? Nothing. It doesn't matter, man, because I am a never-ending beam of light. God made me as an impenetrable beam of light that doesn't know the meaning of the word shadow. I do not know the blackness.

I do not know the dark. I only know, perpetual light into the unit. Would you shut up? Put the gun to your head. Hurry up. Oh, the head. The cradle of the brain. The brain that oozes all the creativity and the...

Shut up! Mow! Mow! Mow! Please! Mow! Damn it! I told you, man, I'm indestructible. I'll even take an extra shot. Just to prove to you that I am a...

timeless as infinity. Here, look at this. Give me another Mao, dude. Alright, if you want an extra one, I demand an extra one. Just like the pancake deserves the syrup. Alright, Mao! No problem. What? Ah! Well, there it is. I told ya, I... It's always the outcome. There was no doubt.

Are you okay, Charlie? Can I get you something before you go into the next life? Tell the ostrich that mother's going to be fine. Okay, I'll do that, Charlie. I'll tell the ostrich that mother's going to be fine. Goodbye. Once again, I am the champion of Russian roulette, and I don't want any more challengers.

I don't want any more comers. I don't want anything. I'm not proud of this, but it is something I do well. RIP, Charlie Manson, and you know what? I think we end the show right there. That's a little heavy.

Let's end it right there, Raj. Wow. Let's see, do we have any announcements coming up? July. I don't have any stand-up gigs. I try to take the summers off to relax and enjoy life. Yes, I do, darlings. So all I can really encourage you to do is, you know, go to the website, harlindwilliams.com, mosey around.

You can call me 323739, 43330, and leave your questions, comments, or whatever. Also, you can write me at harlemwilms.com. The phone number, by the way, 323-739-43, 33-3-3-739-40. 3.30. And at the website, Harlowilliams.com, there is a contact link where you can write to me. I love hearing from you, people, wonderful peoples. And your letter or your phone message might make it onto the show. So don't be shy. Don't be afraid. Give us a call. Drop us a line. 323739, 43330.

And while you're at the website, make sure you check out the Harlowilliams.com merch store. We have books, DVDs, shirts, t-shirts, music, digital downloads, movies. Oh, it's just endless, like being at an online Kmart. You can order some stuff. We'll send it out to you. Hopefully keep you laughing. And don't forget to join our premier membership. With the premier membership for $20 a year, you get all kinds of amazing bonus material,

stand-up comedy performances, my other podcast, let's have a fight. Oh, my gosh, all kinds of wild stuff. What else? Get the app, the free app. Go to your app store on your phone. Type in the Harland Highway. You can have the Harland Highway app right in your phone.

Listen whenever you want. Whenever a new episode comes in, it automatically loads onto your phone so you can hear it. You don't have to go searching around. It's all right there. It's got the phone number so you can call in. It's got the premiere button if you want to become a premier member, all this cool stuff.

The Harland Highway app free at the App Store, the Apple App Store, whatever the app store is on your phone. And that's it, man. I hope you had a good time. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway so they can enjoy the. madness. There's no other podcast, trust me, that does Russian roulette. Okay? Because there's no one else that's as good

at it as me. So there you go, gang. That's it for today. And until next time, everybody, chicken chalemain, baby. Every minute, gotta get out of the smell that I'm under, my love for you.

Why do you had to be a heart, I prayed, when I was being what you want me to be, suddenly everything I ever wanted Has passed me by This were meant Not you and I My love is stronger than the universe My soul is crying for you

And that cannot be reversed You made the roots And you could not see You made a lie I thought of hurting me Out of my mind I had held by the power Of you love

Tell me when do we try What should we say goodbye Why do you have to be a heartbreaker always being what you want me to be. Certainly everything I've ever wanted has passed me by. Why knew you have to be a heart? Why do you have to be a heartbrainer? Is it a lesson there

Even you Selling everything I ever wanted I love for you Why do you have to be a heartbreaker When I was me and what you want me to be Said it's everything I ever wanted as has been divine.