The Harland Highway - 780 - JULY 4th podcast - BBQ's and pool parties!!

Episode Date: July 3, 2016

JULY 4th podcast - BBQ's and pool parties!! Harland throws a July 4th pool party and talks about the in's and out's of it all! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yes. Here we go. Stand up. Put your hand on your heart. Take your hat off. It's the July 4th, Harland Highway podcast. So some patriotism, people. Welcome, everybody. I'm Harlan Williams. And today we will be dedicating the show to the Independence Day of the United States of America. We're going to be talking about July 4th at the barbecue, the pool party, one of which I had. I had a July fourth one and we're going to be talking about all the strange and interesting and fun things that went down at said barbecue uh that's later in the show also have you ever floated around a pool in a blow-up inflatable isn't that supposed to be relaxing isn't that just supposed to be the most calming sensation in the world well guess what it isn't wait to you hear why it isn't yeah it's uh it's really not

what you think it is. And then also the question of the day, it might be a little bit of a history quiz for you. But it involves July 4th, and again, we're going to be talking about, you know, the Independence Day, the things that happen and things around the holiday. So let's do it.

All right? You got your party hat on, red, white, and blue. Here we go. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Well, well, well, well, well, so Summer's here. Right, Summer's here, gang? And Summer is the time to relax and unwind and sit by the pool and throw your feet up and lay in a lout.

chair and get a suntan and not over-exert yourself and float in the pool and just take it easy until that moment comes when you have to blow up the dreaded pool floaty you know what I mean gang right you you bought the little uh you know the little uh you know $4 air mattress at Walgreens You bought the inflatable ring You bought the inflatable lounge chair You bought the cheap

You know $6 air mattress That has such thin rubber in it There's condoms that have thicker rubber And you buy it You get it on you go oh boy Oh boy Oh boy I can't wait to float around All afternoon on my

new air mattress in my pool. I even got an air mattress that looks like a killer whale. Oh, everyone's, I'm going to be the envy of the neighborhood. I'm just going to blow it up, I'll float, and I'll have a beer in one hand, and I'll have the tunes play in, and I'll have a cheeseburger in the other hand. I'll just float back and forth on my nice little quiet swimming pool.

Oh, wrong. because what you forgot, you dumbass, is you forgot that you got to blow the goddamn freaking inflatable, what you'ma call it up. That's right. And you don't have anything to blow it up with you're going to do it with your mouth. And you're like, oh, what the hell? Oh, I got to blow the thing up.

But that should take, what, three, four minutes? I got this, no problem. Let's see, take it out of the box, unfolded, okay? Let's put my lips on this little rubber-tubey thing here. I love the taste of freshly manufactured rubber tubing. Very unique flavor all over my mouth now suddenly. And let's start blowing. And now my head is dizzy after four breaths. I can barely breathe. It feels like I've been on a stair master for 45 minutes.

I'm coughing. My face is red. My eyes are bloodshot, but I have not even put a dent in this thing. What the hell? And I don't even smoke. it feels like I'm in a coffin gasping for air oh my god right and you start blowing into this thing and for the first like 79 breaths this thing it doesn't change shape it's still a crumpled heap of plastic rubber on the floor and you're like you know what I give up I'm not gonna screw it I don't need to float around on the pool and relax Well, I'll give it three more breasts Oh, wait, what was that?

What was that? I just saw a little, I saw something move. I saw something move right down at the end of the crumpled up air mattress. Something definitely, it's a little higher. It looks a little bubbly. Oh, I can't stop now. Oh, my God, I can't reach like I have asthma. I mean, then you see a little progress

and then you get hooked. And then you see like the little bit down at the end and you're like, oh, okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now we're clearly four minutes away from the finish line. 30 minutes later, it's not even half full. You're like, children, bring me a pen and paper. I need to write. my last will and testament.

Of course, Daddy, would you like to lay down on the air mattress? But no, it's not full yet. Good Lord, man. Holy shit, it is just, it's a killer. And your throat's getting all weird and your cheeks start tingling. Right? Your cheeks feel weird and there's a... Suddenly there's pressure behind your eyes and on your temples and you're sweating.

You're like, wait a minute. I'm blowing this thing up so I can do what now? Oh yeah, relax in the pool. Well, I guess if I have to have a stroke and a heart attack and a seizure to relax, it should be worth it. So now you're getting pissed. And you're like, I'm like, I'm gonna finish this motherfucker. I'm gonna blow...

I'm not letting this thing beat me. This thing... What is it? Made in Taiwan? Sparky, the floating killer whale? Fuck, Sparky. And then you realize suddenly the little rubber thing is right down

where Sparky's penis should be. And you've realized you've been given a blow job to an orca for the last hour and a half. You're like, now I know what it... Ugh. And then you finally get the thing filled up. You get your air mattress filled up. And you take that last breath.

And you take your mouth off the little rubber hose. And all of a sudden, oh, wait, wait, I should have taken my mouth off. All the air is escaping. Wait, wait, cover it with my thumb. And you can't get the little plug in. Wait, I can't get the plug. There's saliva all over it. It's slippery.

Then you lose about 35 breaths, 35 painful, God-given breaths. Like, oh my God. Now you're blowing it back up again, and you get it all done finally. You get the plug, I'm like, yes. I got the air mattress blown up, and you hold it up. And you go, wait a minute.

What the fuck's this big saggy chunk at the far end? What the, what the, wait a minute. With the pillow, the inflatable pillow is a separate compartment? You gotta be, have you seen this? The pillows are separate compartment. The pillows twice as fat as the body part because the pillows where you put your head. And you're already laying on the floor dialing 911. Hello, 911, how can we help you?

Yeah, I just, I'm just trying to relax. Okay, and how can we help you? Well, in the process of trying to relax, I had a five-stroke heart attack and a coronary bypass and I swallowed my tongue. And I think I gave a killer whale a blow job. Okay, sir, we'll be right over, sir. Hello, sir? I mean, so then you're blowing up the pillow.

And by the time you throw this goddamn air mattress in the water, you're too tired to go in swimming and you go in and have a nap in bed. And your kid's neighbor jumps in the pool, dives on your air mattress with his elbow, pops a hole in it, and you never get to use the damn thing. So have a relaxing summer floating in your pool. We're just getting started, gang. Oh, yes, that's it, right there.

Oh. Yes, yes, yes. Below the orca, blow the killer whale. Oh, yes, that's it. Oh, don't stop. Oh, here it come. Oh, free willy, free willy. Oh, oh.

Free willy! You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on. time the harland highway question of the day okay let's get to the question of the day and then let's you know we should definitely get into some july fourth independence day stuff man are you kidding me uh but but this question has to be asked and this is this is an uncomfortable question i don't like asking this question of the day uh but i have to ask it gang do any of you go to Chipotle?

It's good, it's delicious. I like it. I didn't go to it for the first few years, and then I kind of wandered in there one day, and I actually liked it. But I got to ask the question of the day. I know the ingredients of Chipotle are rice and beans and chopped chicken or chopped pork and lettuce

and sour cream and corn, and chopped tomatoes and onions and peppers and guacamole and all that stuff you want. But is there someone also putting X-lax or some kind of laxative in Chipotle? Like that they get all those bins of stuff. They get all those little separate bins. Would you like some corn? Would you like some sour cream? Would you like some lettuce?

Would you like some white rice or brown rice? would you like some X-Lax? Because I don't know. As good as that stuff is, I don't think I've ever eaten a food item that's caused things to move around so much, if you know what I mean? And I, oh, God, I hate talking about this,

but I need to know from other people. Other people who have eaten a Chipoli, is it, is it, it's like within 20 minutes to half an hour. God forbid you're in a subway or you're somewhere where you can't get to a restroom because things are on the move after Chipotle. It is, it is, I don't know what the hell's going on with Chipotle, but they might want to change it to shit Pulte, okay? Because I think that's, you know,

It's one of the active ingredients going on there as you eat that shit paltly. And you got a, you got a shit paltly pretty fast, man. I mean, the food's not shit, but the food, woo, it starts the rumblins. It starts, it's the, the tautonic plates start shifting. You know, I don't know what the hell it is. So, you know, that's the question of the day. What the hell do they put in Chipotle? And is everyone else having the same effect that me and other people I've talked to are having?

It's like, you know, if you have to go in, to see your doctor for any type of enema or any type of, you know, colonoscopy. Forget about the medicine that they give you at the hospital to cleanse you. Just go to shit Pultley. Holy God. That thing makes you vomit out your rear end like a polo, like a baluga. a whale with a fucking Kaiser roll in its blowhole. I don't even know what that means, but it's, I got to know,

is everyone else dealing with shit Pultley the same way? Anyways, I'll leave it there. It's too, I don't even like thinking about it, but I had to ask. There it is, the Harland Highway, shit Poltley question of the day. The Harland Highway, question. And if you do want to leave a message for me, because I really do want to hear if everyone else is having this issue, 323-739-433-30 is the number.

3-2-3-739-433. You can phone and leave a voicemail. For some reason, the voicemail rings like five or six times before it picks up, so don't get frustrated and hang up. hang in there and nobody answers the phone. It's just a machine so you can just go off and ramble. You have about two minutes to say what you have to say and be interested to hear what you have to say. 3-2-3-739-430. Okay, let's not delay any more.

It's Independence Day. It's July the 4th. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping

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Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, this is a big day. We gained our independence. The United States of America gained their independence.

But do you know who, from who? Does anyone know from who we gained our independence? I can give you a hint if you like. I mean, if you really want me to, you know, give you a little hint, we could sit down and have a cup of tea and we could talk about it. Yeah, that's right. The United Kingdom, the British monarchy, the British rule. Uh, the United States broke away from the Brits, July 4th, 1776.

The 13 American colonies voted, elected to break away from British rule. And, uh, and here we are. We got the cheesecake factory. We got Burger King. We got, you know, salad bars and flat screen TVs and all kinds of great stuff. But I joke, but in all seriousness, I mean, my God, the things the United States has accomplished. And you got to ask the question, what, you know, what would have happened had the United States stayed under British rule? Well, you know, it's weird if only you could have a time machine or you could alter history and see what would have been different.

Would things have been better? Would things have been worse? Would the Internet ever have been invented? Would penicillin ever been discovered? Would AIDS have ever started? Would the United States have gotten the first rocket ship to the moon? Or not? Or maybe what if we did more?

What if we were already colonizing Mars? Because we stayed with the British. And the British, you know, for whatever reason, they just had, you know, a stronger work ethic or something. And, you know, we got to find Mars. and then we colonized Mars in the name of the queen. I don't know. It's interesting to think.

But I have to believe I kind of have a feeling that breaking away from British rule, it was a sign of how fiercely independent the people who came to America wanted to be. There must have been this spirit and this drive and this will inside of the people for them to say, you know what, we want to break free. We don't want to be controlled. We have things we want to do, things we have to say, things we want to try. And so I think in my heart, I have to believe that by breaking away from the British rule, it opened the floodgates for this new world, this new country, this new society,

to just go for it, to reach for the stars and, and, and, and, you know, reach for their maximum potential and show the rest of the world that this is why we needed to break away. There's so many things we want to do and try. And so pretty fascinating stuff. And of course, you know, to honor to celebrate July 4th, most of us throw a little party or a shindig or a doodily ding dong, daggilly do-do, whoever that is. And so this year I had a little party, a barbecue up at the house. And good time. I mean, we had the pool going and we had the barbecue going and friends and music and, you know, just hijinks.

People flashing people, people, doing cannonballs. people, you know, burning their wiener on the barbecue, people drinking too much, people sitting in the hot tub for like nine hours, and they get out and they look like a prune. But it's funny because when you're the host of a barbecue or a pool party or a July 4th, it's interesting because you learn a lot about your friends. you kind of get to see how timid they are you know because when it comes to the pool a lot of men and women get nervous or get you know anxiety about revealing too much skin or showing off their body parts you know some people are self-conscious about maybe a little too much weight here or a little belly roll there or a little scar or so it's interesting to see just how free-spirited and how uninhibited some friends are versus others.

But at the end of the day, it's like no one should care because you're all friends, right? So it's like, if everyone just like gets in their bathing suit and bears it all, whoopty-do. And that's usually what, you know, what I encounter. People mostly just go for it, you know. but a lot of other interesting things happen at the old July 4th barbecue. First of all, you know, you usually at a barbecue or a pool party, you want an even mix of men and women, boys and girls, right? So knowing that, you know, most people are going to gravitate to the guest bathroom at the house,

I purposely went in there ahead of time and, like, loaded a lot of it. it up with like five extra rolls of toilet paper. Okay, you got the roll, you get the full roll on the spindle beside the toilet, and then you got like the five backup rolls in the cupboard where you know people are going to look because that's where everyone puts it. And this is the funny thing about girls. Man, do they love their toilet paper. I'm not kidding.

I went in and was doing the cleanup after the party. and the toilet paper spindle was empty. It didn't even have the empty cardboard tube on it that holds the toilet paper. It was just empty. It was the shiny metal, like the hoot ornament on a Rolls-Royce. Just a shiny silver, empty. Nothing looks more empty than an empty toilet roll holder. So it was gone, and I went, oh, I wonder why they didn't replace it.

I mean, I put five full rolls of toilet paper under the counter under the sink. Well, I'll go replay. I look under the sink, Ghost Town, not a one. And I know the boys aren't using all that toilet paper. But the girls, they just, oh, I don't know what they do with it. I have a feeling that girls don't just wipe with toilet paper. I think they love toilet paper so much that when there's, sitting on the toilet, they unroll it and make

origami. I think they make little shapes like giraffes and swans and paper tigers and trees and suns. I think they sit there and they make little shapes. Let's see if I fold the bounty three ply this way and then flap this cotany soft corner over this way

and then flap this. Oh look at that. I made a hippopotamus. And now I'm going to wipe my ass with it. Uh, um, or I don't know if you're bringing scissors into the bathroom and making, you know, cut out dolls, making crafts.

I just can't imagine you use that much toilet bear. Maybe you roll play. Maybe you go in and have fun. He's like, you know what? I've been wanting to do this so long. Today's the day. Today is Egyptian mummy day.

Today I'm getting this toilet paper And I'm just rolling around my body Until I look like a mummy I just no one's gonna see me Because I'm locked in the bathroom And I'm gonna be a mummy that's taking a pee I'm a pee mummy I mean I don't know what the hell you guys do with that stuff in there

Do you throw it in the air and skip around in circles And let it you know when you throw a roll a toilet paper in the air It kind of slowly rolls out into the air and floats down to earth that's very it almost looks like uh you know some kind of fairy dance is that what you girls are doing just rolling the throwing it in the air and skipping around as it slowly floats down all around you what are you doing with the toilet paper ladies so anyways that that was that little thing and then the next phase that happens is uh you get that you get that next day when everyone's gone and you get to clean up the tons of stuff

all over the house and it's just it's so funny like you don't really realize what people are doing in your house or where they've been you know like there'll be the standard bottles and cups and sun tan lotions like out in the yard and on the the deck chair table and you know sitting on the ground but then suddenly you go in your bedroom or you didn't even know anyone was in there and behind your record player there's three empty bottles of corona like wait what and then then you look down you know but behind your your shoes and your cupboard and there's like a glass with a lime wedge in it huh who the hell was in what huh are those tear stains on my hardwood floor with someone in here crying?

Or suddenly you find a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and you're like, wait a minute, did someone go home naked? Who's are these? Or you find a bikini, half a bikini? And you're like, wait a minute, one thing girls don't do is lose track of their clothes, especially their bikinis. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Someone must have been really drunk.

You leave your bikini. You're hammered. And then, you know, then it gets weird. You know, I went into the kitchen and, you know, I've got some items up on the counter and stuff, like a cookie jar and a spice rack. And I saw a little piece of paper sticking out from behind my spice rack, which is not affixed to the wall. It's a little wooden cabinet.

So there's some empty space behind it. And I know, what's that? And I pulled it out and was attached to something bigger. And it was like three paper towels. rolled up with like chicken breast bones in them you know you know the chicken breast like when you eat all the meat there's that whole like it looks like Noah's ark or something it looks like you know somebody shot a cat you get to all those ribs and the there's like a whole like bundle like I could I could have fed a tiger at the zoo if I could throw it over the wall I was just

like the hell is this was Colonel Saunders at my party how did this fried chicken get behind my huh and then you you know you go to clean up and then there's the mystery items you know there's always like a mystery item like uh you know some kind of trinket or or uh towels i always seem to have four extra towels i'm like wait a minute what's this towel this this door of the explorer towel isn't mine what who who who Who's this St. Louis Cardinals Beach Towers Belonged to? Who the hell of the St. Louis Cardinals?

You know, and there's like unopened, you know, half open bags of marshmallows and burnt sticks. People got into roasting marshmallows. And then you always find the beers where they're like opened and you go to grab the bottle. and uh someone's only had like two sips and you're like wait what the hell why'd you even open this dude you just pour it out in the garden and you're you're dousing your your plants with alcohol and then

you come out later your plants are like drunk hey man you got any fucking fertilizer we can smoke dude fuck i'm hammered i know i got roots in the ground but could you pull me up and throw me in the fucking pool, dude. Me and the azaleas would like to party with that rose over there, dude. And fuck, check out that sunflower, man. I'd like to smoke his ass. You know, you're just, you're watering your yard with beer. How about a nice, how about some delicious, nutritious, uh, nutritious Budweiser to help getting your foliage growing lush and green? Huh? And then there's the stains, you know, there's always the weird stains on your floor. I had no idea, ruffled potato chips had so much grease and oil.

You know, I have a tile floor, and the areas where the potato chips landed, they're just like a grease circle around them. It's like, you know, you get the crop circles out in the field. If you drop a potato chip in the right place, you just get, leave it overnight, there's like a grease circle. You're like, ew. I had no idea these things. I thought these were crispy, crunchy chips.

Where did all this moisture and grease come from? You know, and you got the corn nibble it on the ground from someone's a chili salad. It was like a dollop of guacamole on the wall, and you're like, what the hell is that? and then cake icing that's the real you get a cake going oh my god oh look at that the side of my chair is vanilla with sprinkles geez i never knew my furniture could look so delicious it's just hilarious and then and then the pool water when everyone's gone and you wake up the next day the the pool water which the day before was crystal clear now looks like some kind of like potato leak soup from panera bread or something it's just there's this murkiness in the

in the pool water i'm waiting for swamp thing to rise up and strangle me and pull me into the depths of the murky swampy pool water i'm waiting for like electric eels and snapping turtles to come out if i put my foot in the water it's just like you can't even see that you can't even see the little round filter thing at the bottom. The pool's so full of haze and parasites and body salts and sweat and tanning lotion and probably, yes, urine. It's just a human soup in there. Let's say, can I get a dump truck up here with chlorine and sulfuric acid and anybody owned a sandblast? good lord this pool

so give me the hazmat crew up here man even the bugs that usually land in this water won't do it we're like fuck that I'm gonna go land in a sewer somewhere that pool is that water green or brown what the fuck oh it's fun though man

isn't it and then the last thing I'll talk about is that barbecue grill. Holy God. I mean, you know, you've had, you know, 40 people grilling. Your barbecue grill looks like somebody dipped it in the tar sand somewhere. The tar pits. They're just dripping with dried black grease and oil. I mean, at what point do you ever see a drip?

You know when something drips? It's called a drip because it's. It slowly, gravity pulls it down. It's like when a rain drips off your roof, right? It goes in the gutter, and then it drips down to the ground. Well, on a barbecue, when it's all said and done and everything's cooled off, there's black drips that never dropped. They're like frozen.

These black drips coming off the grill, and then they forgot to separate and drop to the bottom of the, the barbecue they're just hanging there it's like when you go there's like stalagdite in an underground cavern just black dirty undropable drips of grease and grime and of charcoal and yish i mean it's just a whole new world in there but anyways there you go at the end of the day it's fun. We all had a blast. Celebrated July 4th. And I hope you guys had a good barbecue. Maybe me rambling about my barbecue will bring back some fond memories to your little get-together, whether you were the host or you just attended. But nonetheless, hey, I hope you had a great, great

fourth. You might be having it right now as this podcast is playing. uh obviously i had mine yesterday but uh i want to wish all y'all a happy fourth july and many many more and keep on barbecuing baby i'm not your daddy all right all right all right well i'm not your son her daughter i don't know but anyways uh that's the end of our show i'm not your daddy and i'm not doing any more podcasting. We're done. Like I said, I hope you have a great holiday. Happy Independence Day. Thank you for being here. Tell your friends to get on board. Don't forget, you can call me 323-739-4330. 3-2-3-739-43. If you want to leave me a voicemail, you can write me at Harlem Williams.com. Check out the website. Check out our web store. And don't forget to join

our premium membership, $20 a year for all kinds of extra bonus stuff for you to listen to. Also, get the free app on your app store and your cell phone. Just type in the Harland Highway and absolutely free. You get the most current 50 episodes of the show. And then if you want to get the whole back library

of almost 800 shows, it's only $20. It's unbelievable price. And you get all the bonus. material that I pop in, uh, you know, probably two, three, four times a month. I'll drop in some really cool bonus, uh, premium member content for you. So there you go, gang. Thank you for being here and, uh, happy red, white, and blue. And until next time, chicken show me, baby. Thank you.