The Harland Highway - 781 - GEORGE MICHAEL calls the show. TOSSED SALAD. Crazy news story.

Episode Date: July 7, 2016

George Michael from pop group WHAM calls the show to discuss sexual acts. A crazy news story about a dead baby. The act of tossing a salad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, superstars. Welcome to the podcast. I do like to call you superstars just to make you feel good right out of the gate. I want you to feel good about being here at the Harland Highway podcast. My name is Harlan Williams. I'm your host. Right, superstars? Right?

What a show we have today. We have a crazy, crazy news story that's tragic but yet comical at the same time. It's very sad, but yet very bizarre and twisted, and somehow there's humor in this sad tragedy. So we'll be talking about that. We're also going to be talking about kind of an awkward, disgusting sex act. How many of you have had your salad tossed? Ew!

That shouldn't sound bad, but it does, and we're going to get into it. And then apparently, because we have this conversation, I've heard that George Michael might be calling in from Wham to talk about his sex acts. I can't even get it out. I'm so, feel queasy. George Michael wants to talk about some of his private, homegrown sex acts act recipes. God, I don't even want to talk about it. I feel sick.

Everybody get their barf bags. It's going to be a tough. on, but this is the Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck.

Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place?

The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening? To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man.

That is fantastic. Alibus! The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff Oh boy Oh boy

This one is Ridiculous This crazy news story is both ridiculous And sad But yet Oddly I'll just let you hear the headline Uh

Dad tried to save baby Left and Hot Car By putting her in the fridge Wow So on the surface, you got to kind of laugh a little, but then, when you think about it, oh, let me read this story. This happened in Texas, a father who allegedly left his six-month-old daughter in a hawk car causing her death. Oh, God. Tried to revive the baby by putting her in the refrigerator before calling 911, according to a warrant released.

The father told investigators that he took his five-year-old and three-year-old children to daycare at about 9 a.m. He stated the youngest child named Fern, according to her grandfather, wasn't going to day care that day because she had a virus and was running a fever. When the father went home, he said he forgot the baby was in the car and went inside the house to take a nap. He says he woke up around 1 p.m. roughly four hours later, he said he discovered the baby was in the car and went inside the house to take a nap. woke up around 1 p.m. roughly four hours later he said he discovered the baby was in the car and ran outside he found her unresponsive and took her in the house first of all who are these people that forget children in the car man it's like you don't even forget your cell phone in the car how do you forget a living human kid the police said he placed his daughter in the

refrigerator for an undetermined length of time prior to calling 911. I mean, it's just as tragic as this is, it's just sort of comical, too. I mean, you picture a guy shoving his kid in the fridge. Did he put her in the crisper next to the lettuce? Was she on the egg shelf? Was her head resting on a salami? Did he spill cottage cheese on? I mean, you don't want to laugh, but, God, you stuff a kid in a fridge.

You figure the fridge is full of food. And while you're stuffing the kid in there, do you see all the food and get a little hungry? And in the middle of it, you know, I got to save this kid, but a delicious ham and cheese sandwich would be nice right about now, too. Maybe, you know, is there anything wrong with having a Budweiser while I revive my boy? I mean, good Lord. I mean, you stuff a kid in the fridge like a like a salmon? Good God. The warrant goes on to say that he told officers he called his wife a 911 while trying to perform CPR on the child.

Well, where did he do that in the fridge? now he's kneeling in the fridge he's halfway in the fridge the child's in the fridge he's probably got to run and put a hat and mittens on good god this poor kid you know you know there's got to be confusion and panic and are some of you picturing like him accidentally squirting ketchup across the kid and mustard and relish, just spilling, and suddenly it's a hot dog kid? I mean, this isn't laughing, this isn't a laughing matter, but this is ridiculous. They say that they found the baby dead in the kitchen while being interviewed, the father told deputies, he's an unemployed high school teacher. He said his wife of 12 years is a veterinarian.

in Plano, and she was at work during the incident. Well, how about that? There's some irony. Well, she's saving the life of a beagle. Well, she's reviving a Siamese cat that had a cat stroke. Her husband's at home with Wally in the fridge, trying to bring them back to life. You know, right next to last night's leftover meatloaf.

The kid's head's probably rolling around in barbecue sauce and mashed potatoes on his ears. I mean, this is horrible. Can you imagine she spends the day saving animals and her husband's at home killing the kids? Good God. they say that She calls

Stan Theodore calls his son Michael of a fantastic doting dad He declined comment on why his son May have forgotten Fern was in the car So this is the father Father's saying his son's a fantastic doting dad Yeah real

Real fantastic I guess Does the word fantastic and dead Go together Do those words match well he's a fantastic dad even though his three-year-old's dead i mean he's a doting father over his dead child the article goes on to say every year at this time it happens to people from all walks of life he says of the tragedy it's something we should all be more aware of and i guess they're talking about babies dying in cars you do hear about it every year

it's horrible the article goes on to say that the father is rocket science smart said one of the superintendent at the schools he did a great job for us while he was here we all had an understanding of how much he loved his children we are all mourning just like he is I don't know man do you want that guy teaching your kids at a school

and then one day you asked the janitor to wheel a fridge into the classroom? Teacher, what is the fridge for? Well, that's none of your business, children, but just be aware that should you die, I will be putting you in there. We're scared, sir. Don't worry, I will create a nice bed of lettuce for you to lay in. It'll be like your final resting place will be in a salad bar. and when your eyes closed for the last time, I will put croutons on your eyes and slather you with thousand island dressing

so that you can go into the next Great Beyond deliciously. I mean, God. So the father, sadly, was charged of manslaughter and was released after posting $20,000 bonds. And what's interesting, the temperatures where he was, where it was only like in the 90s. Usually you hear about kids dying when the car heats up over 100 and stuff. But nonetheless, despite kind of the silliness I'm talking about in this story,

I do feel very bad and very sad that this child lost his life. And, you know, in all honesty, if we're talking scientifically, it might not have been a bad move, you know, when someone body, when someone's body overheats, it might not have been a bad move to try and get cold air on the victim and try and lower the body temperature. If you think the child might still be alive, or you might think that by lowering the body temperature, you could help revive the child. It's probably, if I'm being honest, it's probably not that. dumb but they say in 2016 child vehicular heat stroke deaths this year guess what the number is

this year and these are the ones that they've probably tracked down 16 16 poor little kids lost their lives in this type of incident so there you go all right to the little fridge boy and we do feel sad but you know there's something very odd about this new it's a crazy news story and it had to be read um i think i'll go get a cold one no no i'm not that's wrong i meant a beer i didn't mean i don't keep children in my fridge hey you want a cold one i got a six year old from baltimore in here would you know No? Okay, how about a Budweiser? No, no more jokes. Poor kid. All right, there it is. Crazy news story.

Wow. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich. Okay, speaking of beds of lettuce and crispers and food items and sandwiches and I want to bring up something that's probably a little uncomfortable for all of us, but it's part of the vernacular. It's part of the English slang language. And this has been said to me as a joke several times over the years by girls, and I always am a little befuddled that a girl would make this kind of joke because

it's crude, and it's a little off-putting, and it's a little soft pudding, and it's a little sexual but over the years and I don't know if any of you have had this but I've had girls make the joke oh I'll toss your salad what you know it's like

oh you go to a restaurant with a girlfriend or a bunch of friends and you're sitting around you're like oh the salad looks good some girl chimes in oh I'll toss your salad and you're like wait what and then there's always the giggling and the the uncomfortable way oh really you know

and for those of you that don't know what it means and I think there might be a lot of you it's one of those weird sex terms you know like the 69 position or the doggy style or the missionary position but this is actually a sex term where people say all toss your salad, and just hearing it sounds vile. I don't even like saying it or hearing it. I don't even like talking about it, to be honest. But it was just thrown at me not too long ago as a joke. And it's one of those things where I think a lot of people don't know what it means.

And so I kind of went on YouTube to see if anyone knew what it meant. and I tracked down a conversation There was like five or six young, youthful people sitting in a diner And the topic comes up And one girl at the table is not in the know About the term toss your salad And so she's a little mystified

And she feels left out Because everyone else at the table knows what it is And they're chuckling and they're kind of laughing at her Because she doesn't know what it is but she gets the sense that it's something dirty. And I wonder if any of you have been in this position. And, you know, listen to this clip and kind of put yourself in her shoes

for those of you that don't know what it is. And then afterwards we'll talk about what exactly toss your salad actually is. Listen to this. We all got something. They're being weird. Do you know what is a toss of salad? Yes, I guess. How come I don't know? Tell me.

Tell me. How come she know? Don't make me feel silly. Why does she know? Oh, poor girl. Tell me. Why did she know that? You don't know what it is.

The toss, okay, let me imagine, hold on, let me imagine. Two, you don't know what it is? Toss is salad. I don't really not. I thought it was a dirty term for having sex. Nah. No. Okay, salad, okay, maybe the pubic hair.

No. Stop right there. I want to tell her. Tell me. No. Don't do it, don't do it. Don't do it. Why?

Come on, Dion, look out for me. Mom, you don't want to, you don't want to know what it is. That's when you eat the booty. Oh. What does that have to do with a salad? It has nothing to do with a salad. Okay, so there you go. That's probably a common conversation that many people have.

And it's true when I first heard it. I'm like, what does toss the salad have to do with anything? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter

how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly for, free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a clickaway. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your

discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And it's just you know when this girl was to clearly befuddled but yes for those of you that don't know

according to urban slang it means to eat someone's booty hole to have to lick to get in there and mow down on somebody's rear end specifically the the anus

there your salad's been tossed are you happy but it's such an odd one it doesn't make sense and I you know I looked it up and apparently this is a term that started in prisons where I guess new inmates in order to, you know, set the tone for bunkeys in prison, I guess maybe it was a right of passage or an initiation, but prisoners use the term, you know, that new inmate's going to get his salad tossed,

or that new inmate's going to toss my salad. It just, it's one of those ones that doesn't make sense. It sounds horrible. It literally makes me never want to be a salad. vegetarian. It makes me never want to go to the soup plantation. In fact, it makes me never, ever want to have another salad or a coleslaw or a lettuce wrap. And I hope I haven't ruined it for all of you. Next time you're sitting down at dinner with your family enjoying a nice tossed salad. And in the middle of it, you think about this podcast and start your gag reflex

kicks in. And you're just sitting there and you throw up all over the table in front of your family and friends. Carol, are you okay? Yes, it's just this this tossed salad. Isn't it delicious? I tossed this salad this morning. No, no, mother, stop, please.

Oh, it's just one of those wonderful tossed salads I've ever done. It's just so fresh and tossed and I put Thousand Island dressing and oil and vinegar all over the tossed salad. No, Mother, not. So anyhow. There's the mythology, and I'm sorry I had to bring it up.

You know, I talk about things that come up in my life, and when someone makes a joke like that, it's the kind of joke that kind of sticks in your head. And so I thought it was worth talking about here today. I hope that clears it up for you. And I guess I have to say it, happy toss salad to all of you. Oh, God. Hello?

Hey, Harlan. True fan here. It's McGee, baby. I'm in Chicago. I'm hoping you're coming to Chicago soon. You played me on the show a couple weeks ago. Anyway, I wanted to say hey, say thanks for the last. And I'm hoping for some more George Michael, get it right this time.

And I like when you put on some of your stand-up stuff, too. Uh, anyway, chicken chalmy, baby. Hello, Holland. It's Josh Michael calling. Oh, no, no, no, no. Large, large, no. Well, just say no, Alan. I did just say no.

Well, fuck you and fuck you. You Chinese. Chicken salad sandwich. I don't have a Chinese chicken salad sandwich. Why are you calling? Your fiduciology called me over in the United Kingdom and said I should listen to your show because you're doing the segment on the tossed salad, Ireland.

Okay, so? Well, I don't know. I thought it sounds a little fun to me. A tossed salad sounds like. fun to you? I mean, God knows I've had my share of toast salads, darling. I mean, I've had so

many tossed salads. It's like Galapagos tortoises come and feed at me asshole. Stop! Galapagos tortoises do not feed at your asshole. Well, it certainly feels like it at times,

Arlen, I must say, when you've had as many tosses... Stop it! I do not, nor do my listeners want to hear about your tossed salad excopades. Well, just because you're, you know, old-fashioned, you know, just because you're so old-fashioned, you know, just because you're so square. I'm not square. I just don't need to be doing that. Oh, look at you, eh, Arlen?

Look at you sitting there in your little glass house. Afraid to try new things, eh? Afraid to have a little toast salad. What are you doing? I'm making a toss salad noise, Arland. Stop it! Good God, that's disgusting. A little Sutting and Slipping, Ireland.

Stop making that noise, George. Hello. It's George Michael. It's not George. If you got to say me name, you say the whole thing, Ireland. You don't just say half of it. Well... Show you a little respect, Ireland. Look, why don't you show a little respect?

Why are you calling here? Well, you see, she were talking about tossed salads, darling. I have a few of my own little fun things I like to do. What do you mean you have fun things you like to do? Well, kind of like the tossed salad, but I made them up myself. What do you talk? What, like, like sexual acts? Well, hello, welcome to the 25th century chocolate fudge face.

I'm not chocolate. Fudge face. Well, can I tell you about them, Arlen? I'd rather you didn't tell them about me, George. It's George Michael. You're fighting

sideways running elevator at a fighting mental institution. I'm not a sideways running elevator at a mental institution. Hurry up and tell me your stupid

perverted sex things. They're not perverted, Orlin, maybe you've got to open your mind up a little and try one out, like squeeze the goldfish. What did you just say? That's my first one, Arlen, me sexax. Squeeze the goldfish. What do you mean squeeze the goldfish? Well, that's what it is. It gives you a lot of sexual pleasure. What?

I'm talking about squeeze the goldfish, Arlen. What the hell is squeeze the goldfish? It's like toss salad, but it's my own creation. What is it? Well, what you do is, have you ever been to the pet shop, Arlen, and they've got these goldfish with the great big eyes with bubbles on them? They look like the eyes are popping right out their heads. Yes, we've all seen.

It's like a goldfish, a coy fish. They've got, it looks like they've got air sacks for eyes. big bulbous, big pungy eyes. And what you do, Arlen, is you get a bunch of dental floss. What, dental floss? That's right. And what you do is you wrap it around your testicles, round and round at the base of your testicles, right by your scrotum. Oh, God, come on.

You wrap the dental floss around, and it mint, the mint kind, if you want, a little bit of an extra kick, Arlen. The mint, you're wrapping mint dental floss around the neck of your testicle sack. That's right, and you just make it tighter and tighter, and eventually it cuts off your circulation, Arland, and your testicles bulge out like goldfish eyes. Oh, my God! And that's why it's called Squeeze the Goldfish, and they become. very sensitive,

Oh, then you're... No, I don't want to hear any more about squeeze the goldfish. And if you dip your bowl sack in a fish tank, the other fish take it's another...

No, nobody is... Nobody is putting dental floss around their testicle sack so that it causes their balls to pop out like goldfish eyes and then dunking them in a fish tank. Well, I certainly are.

of, Arlen, and sometimes the other fish nibble at your testicles, and it's very erotic. Are you telling me, you dip your swollen fish-eye balls into a fish tank and let the other fish nibble on them? I've got to tell you, Arlen, it beats paying for a massage at a massage baller, if you know what I mean. You are sick, dude. Squeeze the goldfish. Well, what about blind the cyclops, Arlen? What?

I said blind the cyclops. What do you mean blind the cyclops? Well, you know, have you ever seen a cyclops, Arlen? It's like a big giant monster with one eye. Yes, we all know what a cyclops is. And if you were to blind it, how would you do it? What do you mean, blind? I don't know.

You put a stick in its eye or you poke it in the eye? Exactly, Arlen. If you've done it before, it sounds like, you know it pretty good. Know what pretty good? Blind the Cyclops. What are you talking about, George? It's George, fucking Michael.

You're fighting Chinese chicken salad, fucked up Japanese onion bun, potato salad, fucking dildo monster. Are you done? And you've also got a garlic bread fucking fat face. What is blind the Cyclops? Well, hello, it's when you stick something in someone's asshole, right?

Oh, God. When you point your tongue or you stick your wallie-whacker in someone's cyclops. Are you referring to someone's bunghole as a cyclops eye? Oh, hello, Arland. Welcome to the 91st century. What planet are you on, fucking dildo? Oh my God You know what?

We're done here, George Michael Oh, look, you sent me a whole name Maybe I got you off your game, eh? I don't care. We are done. What about when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii, Ireland? What? Do you remember when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii?

Yes, that was an episode of the famous episode of the Brady Bunch show when the whole family went to Hawaii. Right, and that's another one of my sexual acts, Ireland. One of your sexual acts is the Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii. Right, you know, if you look at Hawaii from the air, right, it's like a big fat island in the middle of the ocean. It's kind of round, and it looks like the top of a volcano.

And if you look at the anus from far above, It looks like Hawaii. So if you have five or six gentlemen that want to go into your... Oh, no, you don't. Are you talking about a gay gang bang? That's right, Holland. The Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii.

I can already hear the Tiki drums right now. Stop doing the Tiki... Goodbye. Goodbye, George. It's George Michael, you fucking subway sandwich. fucking snow tire fuck face get him off

Roger get him off oh you can get me off in Hawaii with the Brady bunch all and get him a gang up oh my god

I feel sick why does he do you let him call in Roger good night Nellie Frittato squeeze the goldfish Blind the Cyclops and the Brady Bunch go to Hawaii.

All this because I mentioned Toss Salad. There are many things I regret my life, and this is at the top of the list. A thousand apologies to my listeners. What a freak. I got to end it right here, gang. I got to end it right here. If you want to comment on this or any other segment you've heard,

please call us. Leave a message at 3, 2,000. 3739, 4330. That's 323, 739, 4330 like this last caller did. He requested George Michael. Roger heard it in the booth, and before I could put a kibosh on it,

suddenly I'm talking to that nut. About, oh, God. You can also write me at harlemwilms.com. We have a contact link there. You can send me an email. I will be reading the listener mail very soon, an upcoming episode. And please visit the harlandwilliams.com online store while you're at the website.

You can buy all kinds of fun merchandise. And don't forget to get our app, our free app, on your cell phone, gang. That's right. On your cell phone, type in the Harland Highway on your app store, and you can get it absolutely free you get the most current 50 episodes free and then for 20 bucks a year if you want to be a premium member you get almost 800 of our episodes right from the very beginning up to now you get all the harland highway episodes plus as a premium member you get my bonus material uh which is my other podcast called let's have a fight and uh you get all kinds of

other interviews and stories and my live stand-up appearances that I record and play for you. So it's a great, great, great premium show for 20 bucks a year. You can't go wrong. Everybody who's on it reports that they're loving it. And I thank you all who have joined and are having a great time with the premium content. So there you go, guys. As always, I appreciate you being here. story that people like George Michael call in and kind of sour the show.

But, boy, what are you going to do? You can't stop phone lines, right? That's it. We're going to go for now, and I've got to go cool down. Until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chalman, baby. I've had so many toast salads.

It's like Galapagos Tos. Otis is come and feed it me asshole.