The Harland Highway - 786 - AUNT RUTHY calls in. Too much information. Canadian rock tune!

Episode Date: July 25, 2016

Harland's Aunt Ruthy calls the show to complain about getting old. Have you ever given 'Too Much Information'? Also a COOL Canadian rock tune. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. How are you, everybody? Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I'm Harlan William. Why am I sounding like a Klondike gold miner? Uh, anyways, welcome. It's me, Harland Williams. Thank you for being here today.

What a show. I hear rumor that Aunt Ruthie has left me a message on my answering machine. Uh, so we are going to, uh, listen to Aunt Ruthie's message. message today. I don't know what she's going to say. She's a bit out there. She's old. She's, but I love her. So Aunt Ruthie is on the show today. Also, we're going to take a few calls, phone calls from you, the faithful listeners, the pavement pounders, some interesting, honest, straightforward calls today. Also, the Harland Highway question of the day. Today is a very revealing question of the day that's going to make you examine your inner,

monologues and see if they become outer monologues. Interesting stuff. And then towards the end of the show, I'm going to play you a really cool, cool rock and roll song. I think you're really going to like it. It's by a Canadian artist that it's just a really nice song. You'll probably find yourself listening to it over and over again because it just kind of gets in your head and it's smooth and cool and hip, just like the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it?

Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Zach. So, uh, I just got done listening to your episode about, uh, Tossing Salad. Well, I happen to love tossing a girl's salad, like right when she gets out of the showers, when I'm down there, down south eating her out, I just slip on right down to the booty hole. Don't know what it is, but just something about it, I really enjoy doing it, and I found that a lot of the ladies actually really enjoy it themselves, like having it done.

um and then on the flip side even uh i don't even mind having it done to myself like when a girl's giving me a blowy or whatever you would like to call it uh just slips on down there and just goes and plays my old booty hole boom uh just talking about it gives me chills but everybody's different man uh the body's a playground have fun but until next time chicken chalman baby Whoa. Wait a second there. Holy jumping jingle buns. Youch. A little too much information, maybe. But I respect your honesty. I mean, I got to respect your honesty. You opened right up about the tossed salad. And you gave us a lot of important information. Apparently, according to you, the ladies like having their salad talk. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm even engaged in this conversation.

But, you know, hey, man. Thanks, thanks for your phone call. And, you know, that's kind of the way it goes on this show. We talk about anything and everything. So, uh... Just talking about it gives me chills. All right. Cool.

Well, thanks for sharing a lot. And if you want to leave me a voicemail, you can do so. So, and, you know, as you heard, you can say whatever you want. 323-739, 43330. Hello, Harlan. It's Debbie from Arizona. I've called you a few times. I just want to say, I'm glad you'll still do your serious stuff

because I really do enjoy hearing your views. I listen to plenty of podcasts with comedians, and they all have a political view, and they talk about it, and I really enjoy that. But I, of course, love your comedy. And so I will request, as I always do, that you will please bring on Aunt Ruthie, because she's my favorite. And I just want to say, keep doing what you do. And I love you.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I love you, too. And, you know, I will periodically, regardless of what anyone says or thanks, I will. from time to time do my more serious podcast just because I think it's it's uh you know it's nice to mix it up and uh as I said in the future I will give uh warnings to uh to y'all before I post um and as far as Aunt Ruthie oh my God I'm so glad you mentioned her uh because you know it she just left me a phone message yesterday and uh and I you know I haven't heard it yet so I'm going to play it and just perfect timing on the Aunt Ruthie.

So, Roger, can you roll Aunt Ruthie's phone message? And I hope it's not a long one. She likes to ramble. Okay, here it comes. Thanks for your calls, guys and gals. Aunt Ruthie. Hello. Hello, Holland.

Hello. Where is he? Hello, Holland. Are you there? A little angel? Oh, my God. Hello, Holland. It's your Aunt Ruthie.

Ruthie calling from a Rochester, New York doll. How are you? I'm sitting here. Your Uncle Harry's over there in the chair. He's always watching television, and he falls asleep. He's in his underwear. It's so hot up here. I think we're in the middle of a heat wave angel and we're sweating,

and our air conditioning's not working, and your uncle Harry has all the windows open. I think I saw some mosquitoes come in, and I don't know. It looked like some of them were sucking back. blood from his testicles. I'm worried he's going to get Zika balls. I can't believe it. Anyhow, Dahl, the heat is just killing us. I mean, you could fry an egg on a nun's ass. It's so hot and sticky up here, and your Aunt Ruthie's worried. I had a little bit of a shock

of the other day, Angel. I got so hard. I went in the bathroom, and I had a nice cold shower. You know, I had to cool down my core, my body temperature, and I turned around, and I looked in the mirror, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. There was a pug in the bathroom, you know, those little dogs with the punched-in faces and the wrinkles and the nose, and they got wrinkles all over. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Uncle Harry was banging on the bathroom door. He said, Harry, Harry, there's a pug in here. There's a pug in the bathroom. Oh, my God.

And Uncle Harry was like, he was like, open the door, woman, open the door. And I said, I can't open the door. I'm naked. You haven't seen me naked. It's in 1974. And then he said, well, what does it look like? And then I looked in the mirror. And I realized I'm so stupid sometimes, little angel.

I just feel so stupid. I looked in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. And I realized I was naked. And it wasn't a pug after all. It was the rolls and the meat just on my pelvis, right above my, you know, my special old lady area. It was all the wrinkles and jelly rolls on my belly and my lower abdomen. They're rolled over and, you know, just flailed up. And it looks like somebody squished a lasagna under an army boot or something, little angel.

And, you know, there's my little, you know, old lady, you who, hanging down. It looks like a dog's, my little dog's nose with the little hair that I have left on there. And so my whole groin area, a holl, it looks like the face of a pug. Oh, my God, I was so mortified. I mean, I didn't realize I had so many wrinkles. And then Uncle Harry's banging on the door. What, what's going on in there, woman? What's going on?

And I said, it's okay, Harry. It's not a pug. And he's like, what is it? And I said, well, if you must know, since you're my husband, And it's my groin. I'm an old lady. I'm 87 years old. Everything's hanging down and rolling

and folding up. And my groin looks like the face of a pug, for Christ's sake. And then Uncle Harry being the smart ass that he is, he says, well, why don't you come out on the lawn and I'll throw a stick for your groin? And I said, don't you give me any of your lip, Harry, Or I won't make you your favorite meatloat for dinner, you dirty, fat piece of crap. And then, of course, Harry went right back down to watching television in his underpants

and surprised he even got out of the chair. But I was just, well, the thing is, Holland, I was totally shocked, and, you know, it's not easy growing old. I mean, my goodness, you know, I looked at my groin area and my pelvic area. You know, my magic spot looked like a pug's face. that was out in the rain, and then, of course, I went up my chest, and my breasts looked like, you know, somebody hung a couple of buckwheat pancakes from, you know, a clothesline out in the backyard. I mean, they were just hanging there dangling and flat and, you know, flapping around. And as I was jumping around screaming, because I got a pug on my groin, it's, I've got these

buckwheat pancakes slapping in the wind, and I'm just like, oh, my God. And then, you know, unfortunately, I went up even further, and I looked at my throat. And, I mean, this thing, it's got so many rolls and wrinkles in my throat. It looked like an uncircumcised penis that was slammed in a revolving door, for Christ's sakes, Holland. I mean, this thing, my throat looks like, you know, I could swallow a pumpkin hole or something. And, you know, Holland, I guess that's why I'm calling you. I was feeling a little down, a little insecure about getting old. I mean, Angel, if you can only think, think, little Angel.

It was just, it was almost like yesterday when you were a little, feckle-faced boy. Do you remember, Holland? You were a little feckle-faced boy, and me and your uncle Harry took you down to the malt shop. Do you remember? And we got your nice chocolate milkshake malted, and you were loving it. But what happened is the guy at the malt shop put a cherry on top of your malt. And you sucked it through your straw. I don't know why your lips are so powerful, but are you gay?

Anyhow, you sucked it cherry right through your straw, and you started choking on it. And your uncle Harry tried to do the Heimlich maneuver, and nothing happened. And then I had to run across the malt shop and drop kick you in the throat. Lucky I took some judo classes when I was in college. You know, I popped that cherry. You couldn't say your Aunt Ruthie popped your cherry. Ireland. But anyways, Angel, I hope you're good. I hope you're having fun. It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. In fact, I think for dinner, I'm going to go outside and make your

Uncle Harry a casserole out on the sidewalk. I hope you get some nice cold weather real soon, Angel, but we miss you. Me and your Uncle Harry miss you. And I'm going to send you, I hope you like puppies, because I'm going to send you, I took a couple of pictures of the pug. I was wondering if maybe you could come up with some names for my pug that, you know, I keep in the front of my pants. It's all a little secret hall, and maybe I could call them wrinkles, dimples, or, uh, you know, flap lips or something. I don't know. Anyhow, Dahl, I hope you good making your movies and your televisions down in Hollywood. I miss you so much. Please give me a call when you get a chance. Your Aunt Roofie loves you, okay?

Give us a kiss. Goodbye, Holland. We love you. And Muggle Wamps, that's what I'm going to call my flappy little frontal area, the pug. My pug pussy pussy, I'm going to call him Muggle Wumps. Muggle Wumps loves you to. Say goodbye, Muggle Wamps. Oh, my God, I just did a pussy fart. What, did you hear that, Holland? It sounded just like a baby puppy, like a pug. Oh, my God. How did I get all that air up in there for Christ? Oh, my God. All right, Holland, I'll talk to you soon. You're Uncle Harry, and I love you. Goodbye, little angel. Shut up, Mugglewap.

Oh, oh, I just punched myself right in the pussy. Oh, oh, my God. Oh, stop pat. Oh, wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Aunt Ruthie. Yay, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packed.

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That, you know, here's the, it's like our caller at the beginning. Oh my gosh. Roger, hang up, please. It's like our caller at the beginning. You know how I said, oh, way too much information. Well, that's it right there.

My Aunt Ruthie, look, she's an old lady. They're used to saying their mind. As you get older, sometimes you lose the filter. I feel bad that her pelvic area is drooping and sagging and resembles a pug. But these are things that happen as you get older. We start growing men boobs. and she put it buckwheat flapjacks, and, you know, it's just part of the human condition. So we can't falter, and I respect her honesty and her openness and her candor,

and that's the type of relationship we have. I love you, Aunt Ruthie, but boy, yikes. And you know what? I think this could be a really good question of the day. Roger, let's make this the question, the Harlan Highway question of the day. Play it. Harland Highway, question of the day. So here it is.

Here's the question, and I guess we should thank Aunt Ruthie for this one, but the Harland Highway question of the day is, do you share too much information? Is that something you do? I think we've all done it at some point in time. You know, you're in a conversation, or you're at a party, or you're at a social gathering, or maybe you're just one-on-one with your mother or your father,

your father or an intimate friend and you feel like oh man I can tell this person anything I can this is my family this is my cousin this is my sister this is my girlfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend I can say anything

they won't judge they won't and then you blurt something out that you think you're in a safe place and the minute you kind of let out too much information uh you see this kind of look come over their face like wait

what you you you did what where with who how does that happen what what a canoe paddle how and and and and you're like you feel good about yourself going into the too much

information ramble because you're like well I'm one of these people that has nothing to hide I'm one of these sophisticated you know out front people that is secure enough with him or herself that I can, I can release my inner secrets and skeletons. I can voice my opinions. I can give too much information. And the recipients will be overjoyed that I'm so open and sharing that they won't even think of judging. They'll just love me all the more because I'm so forthcoming and forthright.

and then it kind of goes in the exact opposite direction. And even worse, you ever do it during your relationship to your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your husband or your wife? And you get in that zone where you're like, well, this is my significant other. If I can't tell them, who can I tell, right? So anyways, Cindy, I wanted to tell, you know, when I was in college, I had this three, some. I have this threesome with these two amazing, what? What do you mean? They were just girls I knew at college. No, I don't know them now. What? No, I don't talk to them on Facebook. What are you getting at? No, it's not Janice and Carol are friends from the, from the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the club. No, no, it's not them.

No, I just wanted to tell you this story because you're my wife and I trust you and I can tell you anything. What? No, I'm not on Tinder. What do you get it? Right? And then it just blows up.

Or they hold it inside and they act accepting and loving and you know, cool with your story with too much information. And you think, man, that was a great experience. You know, I told my wife this stuff.

that, you know, if I told anyone else, they'd probably call the police. So I'm really dead. My wife is so cool and hip. And your wife or your husband is real cool and hip until your first fight. The next fight after you gave too much information. Because then you're in the middle of that fight. And it could be a fight about who takes out the garbage cans or who's supposed to do the dishes. And you're like, well, Carol, you said every Thursday you are going to do the dish.

Oh, that's right, I did. And who does the dishes on Friday? The two girls you had the threesome with? Wait a minute, what? Yeah, that's right. You probably have your girlfriends from the threesome that you did in college come over and do the dishes. Wait, how does that intertwine with what we're talking about?

Oh, yeah, what other secrets do you have, pervert? Right, so, so it can totally backfire, man. and then sometimes people just give too much information because they're trying to be braggards or they're trying to be cool. I remember I was at a social gathering once. I was at a bar. And there was a guy I know an acquaintance.

And, you know, there's a bunch of other people around. We didn't really know them. Just kind of this gathering started. And we ended up out to this dinner with these people that are affiliated with some work. work stuff we were doing and blah, blah, blah. So it was a big table full of people. Like, you know, it was like one of those 22-person tables at a restaurant with food and drink

and the guy who owned the company who was paying for everything. And I was there. My acquaintance was there. And all these other people were pretty much strangers. And for whatever reason, my buddy, speaking of threesomes, decided he would hold court at this restaurant table. he was kind of seated in the middle so there were people all up down

and he goes well let me tell you about the time I had a threesome he put his arms behind us he was like well it was me and these girls and he just went into detail and he was sitting there acting like everyone wanted to hear this and he was the cock of the walk

and I was just sitting over there cringing him like dude what are you doing man like most of these people can't relate to me what you're saying and you don't really even know them and what the i don't know what the hell he was doing but it was way too much information and it can happen in all kinds of scenarios i'll be honest i don't like it when i'm out with a girl and a dating scenario or even a girlfriend and you know she starts talking about maybe some nasty stuff you know yeah when i was in a couple of years ago i had

some vaginal warts and I had to go in and get them scraped off and I had some bleeding there was some residual bleeding and some pus elements um but I got through it there's a few little scars would you like to see them and I'm like no no no I don't even want to know that you had vaginal warts I know we're intimate I know we're dating I know we're maybe a couple maybe you're even my wife can you just keep that under your little vaginal wart hat And then sometimes you tell stuff where you think you're being honest, you think, well, you know, I'm just going to be super honest. I'll feel really good getting off this off my chest and my partner will be like, I'll be like, wow, you know, my boyfriend just told me all this stuff that, you know, I probably shouldn't know.

But now I feel more secure and safe with him because he was so forthcoming and just the way he shares. and that can go south real fast. That can go. I won't even tell you what I did. See, I'm not going to tell, I'm not even going to do what I'm talking about. I'm not about to give you too much information, but I remember I had a girlfriend once,

and I confessed to her, I told her in a casual setting, something I didn't have to say, but a certain topic came up, and I said, oh, well, you know, I did dot, dot, dot, dot once. dot dot once dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot and i was expecting oh wow thanks for thanks for being so honest and telling me and instead it was like what how could you be so too oh god so how how when else

have you done this yeah like and i was just like oh god the exact opposite of what i wanted to have happen by sharing too much information oh uh just talking about it gives me chills and yet despite that like our earlier caller here I sometimes admire you know the ability to just blurt stuff out and not be ashamed and maybe not even care about the consequences

I mean if you think about it if you break it down our caller at the beginning of the show basically said he likes to lick women's buttholes pardon my French and he in turn likes a woman to lick his butthole. I don't think it could get any more graphic or intimate or revealing than that,

but he just said it in such a casual, free-flowing way. I happen to love tossing a girl's salad, like right when she gets out of the showers. When I'm down there, down south eating her out, I just slip on right down to the booty hole. That you almost got to admire it and wish you could be so forthright. with your innermost intimate thoughts. I don't know what it is, but just something about I really enjoy doing it. And I found that a lot of the ladies actually really enjoy it themselves, like having it done. I mean, honestly, how many of you people listening would have the courage to be that honest and open?

How many of you listening would have the balls to share too much information? How many of you would be willing to say this in a crowd? And then on the flip side, even, I don't even mind having it done to myself. Like when a girl is giving me a blowy or whatever you would like to call it, just slips on down there and just goes and plays my old booty hole. I mean, good Lord. Could any of you look your friend or your family member or your partner or anyone you know in the eye and utter such words?

I mean, maybe there's an art to it. Maybe there's a skill to sharing too much information. I mean, if there is, this guy's the king of it right here. This guy's like the king. He's the Elvis of sharing too much information. I mean, just listen to him. Doesn't he sound like Elvis right here? Just talking about it gives me chills.

Oh, just talking about it gives me chills. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for licking my booty hole. Thank you. Oh, just talking about it gives me chills. Oh, all over my booty hole. Ooh, I love the way he calls it booty hole. Oh.

Just talking about it gives me chills. Why can't you see what you're doing for me? When you lick my booty hole, I get chills. Yeah Thank you Thank you very much Okay There you go

There you go That's it The Harland Highway Question of the day Do you give out Too much Information Well thank you very much

The Harland Highway Question of the day What we've got here is to communicate. All right. Why don't we end the show with something fun

I like to do from time to time and some of you love this and some of you hate this, but I like to do it. It's a way of creating exposure from my brothers up to the north. Every now and then,

I lay on you listeners around the world who listen to the Harlan Highway. I like to expose people to Canadian singers, rock bands, artists, that we're part of my youth growing up that created great music, great sound. And I know that a lot of them, you know, a lot of times great musicians and other entertainers, comedians, and actors and people like that. They never make it out of Canada because it's not that easy to do.

And so they might have some limited exposure, but it's hard for Canadian talent to really break through big time globally. and be heard sometimes. And so I like to expose you guys to some of these artists. Here's a guy, kind of a bluesy guitarist, really cool, nice clean voice, a guy named Colin James out of Canada. And I think I played this song way back when for you folks, but it was a really bad, like scratchy, bad version of it. And so I got a nice clean MP3.

I don't own the rights to the song. just playing it, not to use it on the show for anything other than hope you guys will like it and go out and download it on Apple or iTunes or, at the very least, be exposed to the name Colin James. So here it is. It's called Wide July by Colin James, another obscure Canadian talent. The very first you, you learn it's true, is that you shouldn't try to fold the people you're close to and now you're finally foregone, I really should have gone If I left you on your old, you wouldn't do like you're supposed to

Why do you lie? Don't want to hear your alibi You want to know the reasons why You left me here to cry But you were out there loving him And now you're acting real nice With your sugar and spice You were out and thrown the dice

Your tent is out a rail swim Why do you lie You better make a correction Can I have this deception Start treating me right We had disgusted Till I was disgusted thing that I got to say all about sleeping in another man's bed.

Why do you die? Why do you lie, baby? You know, I'm going to be able to be. The very first room you'll learn it's cool That you shouldn't try to hold the people you're close to And now you'll find it full grown I really should have done If I left you on your own

You want to do like it's boasted Don't ride you to lie Why'd you to lie? Why'd you lie? Why'd you lie? No! Why do you like? Yeah, call it.

The very first rule you learn You learn in school Is that you shouldn't try to fool The people you're close to Yeah Oh, I love it I love it You know bluesy mellow

Kind of a good story hook You know, why do you lie Why do people lie Seems like everybody lies And you know I just thought that was a cool summary song And again Exposure to a very talented musician

So hopefully you will look him up on iTunes Or wherever you download your music And maybe that's a song or one of his many other songs That you might not have known about Because he's a Canadian guy Working it hard up in the Great White North And you weren't aware of him So if you want to show him a little support

And you know get his music Now you know what to do Where to go Colin James Ladies and gentlemen and I think we'll lose you can't get much cooler than that right I'd be lying and Colin James would not like it if I lied um I would be lying if I said there was any other cool way to end the show but there's no cooler way than that Colin James song so we'll hang it up right there I hope you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed the whole show thanks again

for your calls if you want to call in and leave a message look what it leads to it led to question of the day, for God's sakes. If you want to call in 323739, 43330, it is an answering machine. You won't be talking to anyone so you can say whatever you want. It does take about five or six rings before the machine clicks in. So be patient, hang in there, and leave me your message, whatever it may be. 323-739, 43330. That phone number is on the website at Harlowyms.com, if that helps.

And at Harlowyms.com, you can write to me and leave a message. We have a link there for you to contact me. I do read all the emails. And eventually we read them on the show. We play your messages on the show. It's my way of interacting with you. Oh, Charles Nelson. I'm sorry.

That slipped out. Also, please, please check out our web store at Harlewiams.com. All kinds of hilarious merchandise. for you to buy. We will ship it out to you. T-shirts, books, DVDs, movies, CDs, comedy, specials, artwork, you name it, man. Digital downloads. Oh, yeah, baby. Also, please get our app. You can get the free app in your app store, the Harland Highway app for your cell phone. Just go into your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. Download for free. You get the latest current 50 episodes of the show for free. and if you become a premium member for only $20 a year, you get all almost 800 backlogged episodes of the Harland Highway, plus all my little premium content add-ins. I do a number of them a month, me doing live stand-up.

I have another podcast called Let's Have a Fight. I mean, I do some bonus character stuff, all kinds of interesting stuff. $20 a year, and you become a premium. member and only you get to hear the premium stuff so I want to thank my current premium members and I encourage you to join up you can do that through the app or you can do that through the website Harlanwilliams.com love to have you on board thank you so much everyone for becoming premium members and that's it I think we'll leave it right there be good to each other keep on smiling enjoy your

summer. And until next time, chicken chamehamee baby. Just talking about it gives me chills.