The Harland Highway - 787- Expert on CROCODILE deaths. Bernie Sanders farwell speech.

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Expert on CROCODILE deaths calls the show. Bernie Sanders farewell speech. Crazy News story about crocodiles. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show. Don't you know it's going to be a super show? Oh, what was that? Look out. Hey, it's me, Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland I Way podcast. I am your host. I will be here walking you through it, talking you through it. A crazy show.

We have a Bernie Saunders speech at the Democratic Convention. And let's just say it's not what. you expected. Maybe Bernie didn't roll over and die. Where do you hear Bernie's speech as filtered through my mouth? Also, we have a crazy news story about a woman that met an untimely death in Northern Australia. Pretty kind of a stupid way to die, too, but it happened. It happens every year. And then to follow up the crazy news story, We actually have an expert who's a biologist who deals with large reptilian creatures. And that might give you a tip as to how this woman met her grizzly end.

But he's going to be here to give us some scientific insight on how her murder or her death might have occurred, how and why. It's fascinating. It always is because this is the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams?

Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow.

That's strange stuff All right, this one is This one is a little grim But it is crazy Crazy news story Here's the headline My friends Are you ready

Crocodile Snatches woman During a late night swim Yikes Here's the story A woman Snatched by a crocodile Just that word

snatched. I don't like snatched. Snatched, it is not a, does it does not have good connotations. Taken, kidnapped, abducted, snatched. There's just something very ominous about snatched. Nothing snatched ever becomes out good, right? You get snatched, You're gone, man. A woman snatched by a crocodile during a late-night swim in northern Australia is likely dead, according to local officials. Well, yeah, probably, likely. It's late, it's dark.

You're swimming in an area with saltwater crocodiles, the biggest crocodiles on planet Earth. These things get over like 22, 22, 23 feet. They weigh two tons. Likely, yeah. Likely you're fucking not only dead. Likely you're inside a crocodile suitcase right now, if you know what I mean. The woman identified as Cindy Waldron, 46, was swimming with a friend in shallow water at Thornton Beach in North Queensland.

When she was grabbed by a crocodile. Oh, now she's grabbed. No longer snatched, she's grabbed. Officials have grave fears for the welfare of Waldron, who is from New South Wales. How proper is that? We hold grave fears for the welfare of Cindy Waldron. Grave fears. What do you mean great for the welfare?

How about just saying, I'm afraid Cindy Waldron was swimming in crocodile-infested waters in complete blackness, and she's totally fucked. I mean, there's probably a crocodile shitting her out of his crocodile asshole right as we speak. Cindy Waldron is completely no longer existed on this planet. She's completely fucked. But we do hold grave fears for her welfare. Good Lord. According to the police, Waldron's friend tried to grab her but was unable to pull her ashore.

Let's see, 98-pound buddy from college versus 23-foot, two-ton apex predator, Who's going to win that tug-of-war, gang? Saltwater crocodiles, which are found in Australia, are known for being aggressive towards humans, though it's been years since a fatal crocodile attack in the area has happened. Lord, Lord, Lord. It says her and her friend most likely weren't aware of how dangerous the area can be.

They'd been walking along the beach and they decided to go for a swim just in waste-deep water, exactly where crocodiles like to lurk at Thornton Beach and probably on a very nice, clear night, it says. I don't know how, you know, I don't care how clear the night is. None of us have the ability to see. Does any of you listening have catfish eyes? Can you see underwater in the dark? I mean, it's hard enough for most of us to see underwater or through water during full daylight hours. At nighttime, you're talking about looking into the dark, blackened water

at a creature that is an expert at concealing its whole 23-foot body and just having its little bumpy eyes stick up over the surface of the water. I mean, there's a reason these creatures outlasted the dinosaurs, ladies and gentlemen. They're brilliant predators. These are creatures that can eat and then not have to eat again for a whole year. Is it any wonder they survived? And by the way, this part, her and her friend most likely weren't aware of how dangerous the area can be. Well, every year, every year, three, six, ten, twelve human beings get eaten by these crocodiles.

How do you not know when you go to Northern Australia that these predators are lurking in the rivers and streams and lakes and even the ocean? These things have adapted to salt water. The area where Waldron was last seen is near areas tourist frequent to see crocodiles. What? Oh, my God. They say there are signs throughout the area warning visitors. The unfortunate incident was the result of human stupidity. Yeah, you think?

The police say this was a tragedy, but it was avoidable. There are warning signs everywhere up there. Officials continue to search for signs of Waldron. Hey, Jim, you see that giant piece of alligator turd over there? Yeah, I think that might be her. Yeah. I mean, look, man, I'm sad that this woman, you know, was consumed by a crocodile but like I said it happens every year people ignore the signs you have to balance like

how how important in life is a midnight dip in a dark crocodile infested river sometimes there's things that can wait you know it's like oh my god it's so hot out And they should, I'll just, if I just go for a quick dip, I mean, it's not going to kill me, right? I mean, I'm just going to, you know, I'll just, I'll run in, I'll just go waist deep, just like, in and out dip, underwater, splash, and then me and you can go, you know, roast marshmallows by the fire. Well, guess what, dummy? It ain't happening. if you see a sign or multiple signs of a giant crocodile and it says this motherfucker will eat you you don't go in the water you tough it through the heat you go look for a glass of lemonade

you see if any of the other campers have maybe a bottled eight ounce bottle of water you can cool down with You don't go skinny dipping in the middle of the night in crocodile country. So there you go, gang. The crazy news story. Rest in peace, a little lady. At least you had 49 years of life. And, you know, it's a tragedy at the very least. You at least provided some sustenance for a year for a saltwater crocodile.

Yeesh. Hold on. What? What? Oh, you got a guy? Okay, this is cool. Well, this is good. Okay, it sounds like Roger was able to, while I was doing that crazy news story, Roger was able to dig up a crocodile expert, Roger? Oh, cool. Okay, so Rogers, just let me know. Roger, my producer in the booth there. I guess we have a guy who, who's a crocodile wrangler, and he's a biologist? Okay, cool. So this guy, I guess, studies the lives and habits of saltwater crocodiles in Australia. And why not talk to him? I mean, it's very pertinent to this story. So let's put him through. What's his name, Roger?

Wally Hasbro? All right, Wally Hasbro calling in from Queensland, Australia. Let's talk to him right now. This should be fascinating. Hello, Mr. Hasbro. Are you there, sir? Hey, good-day, Holland. How are you, mate?

Hey, there you are you. Boy, thanks for calling in. This should be fascinating. We just finished doing a tragic story about a woman that was eaten by a saltwater crocodile. And it happens every year, Holland, it's, you know, it's coming up here, unfortunately. Oh, it's just, I can't imagine. imagine how that goes down. Well, these are some of the biggest creatures of all time.

They're some of the oldest creatures on planet Earth. As I heard you mention, they outlived the dinosaurs, and they just have a voracious appetite, all, and they can consume things as big as a full-grown cow or something as small as a baby bird that falls out of a tree. It's just remarkable. Just remarkable, the skills, the predatory expertise they have. You can hardly imagine that something so big and so clumsy-looking can move so silently and effortlessly through the water.

And you can't see them coming, especially during the nighttime, Holland. Wow, yeah. I mean, you know, we've all heard the stories, and like I alluded to, this seems to happen every year. year. It's true, Arland, every year, and they said the word stupidity in there. And I'd like to, you know, upgrade that term and actually say borderline retarded. Well, I don't know if we want to throw the word retarded around. Well, Holland, what would you call it if you saw signs all over the beach that said warning, man-eating crocodiles, don't go in the water. But you go ahead and go in the water, but at night time, I mean, that's the sign of a fucking retard right there, Holland.

Well, you, that's a little harsh. I mean, people do make mistakes. Yeah, and also, Holland, people are retarded. Well, look, I mean, you got to have a little sympathy for this woman. Well, I don't know. I mean, you know, if she didn't get swallowed by the fucking, you know, crocodile, I picture this bird walking right in front of a fucking 18-wheel of truck and getting a fucking body crumb.

Well, let's skip forward, sir, Wally, to you said you've done endless amounts of research on these types of attacks, and how does one research a saltwater crocodile attack? It's all fieldwork, Alan. The only way to do it is to go out in the field and observe these attacks happening, and that's exactly what I've done, extensive hours of research, and Well, how exactly? I mean, it's not like you're there when people have been attacked. Is that what you're saying? Well, actually, Arland, you know, when you're a dedicated biologist and a scientist and a research of the way I am, you have to commit to what you do in order to get the data to, you know, accumulate results in scientific facts and data and build a library, you know, so that the rest of the world cannot tell.

into that data and understand a certain species. Okay, so you've seen an actual human being attacked by one of these crocodiles? Absolutely, Alan, on numerous occasions. Whoa, well, that's just got to be, you know, fluke timing or happenstance. I mean, are you saying you just happened to be there when human beings were taken down in a river system by a giant saltwater crocodile? Kyle? Well, not exactly, Holland. There is a method to my madness. Well, can you tell us how you've observed these attacks? Absolutely, Holland. Look, I've got a wife. My wife, Maggie, she's what I call

a breeder. I'm sorry? My wife Maggie, she's what I call a breeder. A breeder? That's right. I mean, my wife, Alan, she pops babies out more than an Irish woman drunk. on fucking Guinness. What do you mean? You guys have had a lot of kids? My wife and I have had over two dozen kids over the last 25 years, and it hasn't been easy. She stretched out like a canvas tent at a Walmart parking lot. Oh, well, okay, that's a little too much information, Wally.

Well, I'm telling you, Holland, you don't have two dozen kids and not have, you know, residual damage. I mean, my wife's, you know what, is... you know, I could almost drive a smart car up there. Okay, Wally, so you've had two dozen kids. I'm not sure what this has to do with your research. Well, in order to see these crocodiles in action, and it's almost like the old Mayan society, the Inca society, where they actually made human sacrifices to the gods.

Okay, I'm not getting the connection here. Well, in order to do research and actually observe a human, attack from a salty, as we call them, a saltwater crocodile. We've actually had to put live human beings in precarious situations in order to accumulate the data. What do you mean? You're telling me you put people out in the crocodile-infested waterways? Absolutely, Holland.

But don't worry, it was just my kids. What do you mean it was just your kids? Well, we've got so many kids, Arlen, and we're down to two now. I told you we had two dozen at one point in time. That's 24 fucking children, and I can say it again, my wife is stretched out like an Iranian Persian blanket on the floor of an olive garden. I mean, it's just... Okay, sir, you don't have to keep telling us how worn out your wife's baby birthing area is. Well, Arland, so what we do is we get the...

kids and we raise them up until about 16 where they're at least over five feet tall and are representative of a general height ratio for your average human being. Do you see what I'm saying? Well, you're okay. I mean, not to say that we haven't floated a few of the babies out just to do some extra research to get the bite force of the saltwater crocodile, which by the way, Holland, their bite force, and this has been proven through my research, their bite force can, it's the strongest in the animal kingdom. They can crush a turtle shell the way you slam your balls in a car door. Okay, Wally, please, with the metaphors.

I get it that you're kind of a bushman and you use probably some salty language up there. I like the way you said salty. That's good, because that's what the fucking crocodiles are called. We call them salty. Yes, we know you said that already. But then you said I was using salty language. I mean, this shit cracks me up, Arlen. Hey, everybody.

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here. Here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back.

I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything well up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. Okay, so I'm finding this a little unorthodox that you've taken your own children, wait till they're the appropriate size, and you... Well, what we do is we wade them out into the water, we fix them with their bodies with transmitters and pressure-sensitive wiring and all kinds of stuff, and we basically, you know, we rule the cameras all, and then we watch.

the children get eaten alive by the fucking salties. And I've got to tell you, it's as dramatic as you could imagine it, and the data we have accumulated is invaluable. I mean, sure, I've lost, you know, almost, you know, the 12 children, but it's, you know, what we get back, Holland, is invaluable. You're telling me you sacrificed your own children to research crime. Cockatile attacks in Northern Australia. I got to tell you, too, all, and you know, a lot of parents, a lot of their income goes into saving up for college funds and tuition and, you know, dentist stuff and, you know, doctor bills and all kinds of bullshit that you have with kids.

And I'll got to tell you, I mean, we bought a brand-new Corvette Stingray with all the money we've saved, and we've added money because we've been able to sell the research we've done with the sole. Water Crocodiles. And you used your kids to do this? Look, it's not like we can't have more. I mean, my wife's, you know what, is ready to go. I mean, her thing, her lips are rolled out like red carpets and a movie premiere in Hollywood. Okay, sir.

Wally. Well, I'm just saying, Arland, and you know, somebody's going to do the research, mate. And, you know, if it's not me, who's it going to be? I mean, I've got to do it. sir you cannot sacrifice your own children to observe how saltwater crocodiles eat human beings too late done and done holl and i can't reverse it so we might as well use what i've collected the important biological data information that i've collected we've put it in the library of natural science and it's there for the whole world to see

and hopefully in the future we prevent these retards from walking into the water in the middle of the night. Again with the retard. Yeah, that's what they are, Holland, fucking retards. No, what I meant is can we not use that term? Well, Holland, let me ask you this. If you walk into the water in the middle of the night,

naked in a crocodile infested river, where there's signs everywhere, what do you call that? Well, it's a little stupid. Well, I'll go one step further. It's fucking retarded, Arland. Oh my God. Can I tell you, we had a baby, and one of our children was born with Down syndrome,

Holland, and we were like, you know, we might as well get rid of this one a little earlier, right? Because, you know, it's a lot of work with the Down syndrome children. Oh my God, no, Wally, no. So instead of letting that child grow up, we thought, well, we've never done a study study with like a five or six-year-old, you know, where their child only comes up to about three feet, and we thought we might have a little trouble because, you know, the kid can't

swim very well, and he's short. So what we did, Arland, is we wrapped him in bacon, and we drizzled him with shrimp oil. What are you talking about? Well, do you entice the salty to come and get him? We covered him with bacon, wrapped his legs, and his head, and we left little eye slots for his eyes. It looked like he was wearing a Batman mask made out of bacon, and we waddled him out into the river, and we drizzled shrimp oil, and actually put sesame seeds and sunflower seeds in his hair is a little, some croutons. My wife loves croutons. In fact, one night when we were getting a little naughty in the bedroom, she popped 12 or 16 right out of her. You know what? All right. Are you telling me you floated your poor Innocent Down syndrome,

out into the water. Wrapped in bacon and we put some shrimp oil on them just to get the, you know, get the flavor in the water to get the salty to come up. This is ridiculous, sir. It's criminal and you should be in jail. Oh, well, look at you.

High and mighty, eh? Well, next time you go in for a swim and don't get eaten by a crocodile, you're fucking retard. Don't call me a retard. By the way, I'd like to wrap you in hot, melted cheese and salami and float you in the river and have a fucking salty eat your fat flubbery ass cheeks.

Hey, Roger, who is this guy? I'm the guy that's going to float your fat ass and hang up on him. Oh, I'm a salty and I'm going to bite your fat ass, all it. Hang up on him. What the hell was that, Roger? That, I want to apologize. You don't put, you don't put humans, you don't put babies. maybe this man took advantage of a Down syndrome child?

Good, look. Did he say he put croutons and shrimp oil on that little boy? Unbelievable, man. You know, maybe there's a reason certain people live in the outback of Australia. They're just not acclimated to living with regular people who are a little more sophisticated, 100 apologies. Roger, maybe you should screen these guys a little more, before you tune them into our show.

Why do we always seem to get the freaks? Oh, God. Hillary Clinton will make an outstanding president, and I am proud to stand with her tonight. Thank you all very much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would rather be eaten by a saltwater crocodile than I just,

I want to send out my. most heartfelt condolences to interview Bernie Saunders people. Those of you that supported Bernie, that loved Bernie, that followed his message, believed in his message, you just saw a man fold his tent and collapse and go home and kind of piss all over everything he believed in. And it's just, I got to tell you, I'm not a Bernie fan. I don't follow Bernie and I don't follow Hillary. I hate Hillary even less, but I watched as Bernie endorsed a woman

who he himself said was not fit to be the president of the United States. I saw him endorse a woman who he accused of rigging the system. I saw him endorse a woman who fiendishly, planned, elusive debates, limited debates, you know, had it in the bag for Bernie with crooked people in her own party, and Bernie acknowledging during his whole campaign that the system was rigged, that his own party was conspiring against him and working against to make sure that Hillary was the anointed one and handed the run for the presidency. And for you, Bernie, people who are some of the most passionate political voices I've seen or heard in probably my lifetime.

I don't think I've ever seen people so fired up over their candidate and showing up at rallies and holding signs and yelling and wanting their voices being heard. A message, by the way, that the media, who also had it in the bag for Hillary, pretty much ignored, or at the most gave very limited media exposure to, you're talking to a man that was filling arenas, a man that was getting 30,000 or more people at his rallies compared to Hillary who was getting a few hundred if she was lucky. And so this isn't a political shout-out for me to endorse or knock any political party or candidate. This is me, this is me like sending flowers and chocolates and putting flowers on the graves of the Bernie supporters. I can't imagine. I even feel disappointed and cheated and lied to and depressed. And I don't, I'm not even a Bernie supporter. I can't imagine what you Bernie, you burners are going through.

And then, you know, to run up against this vile woman Hillary who's acting like, you know, she knows nothing about it. She knew nothing about what Debbie Warts or whatever her name is. Debbie Hissle Buns Warts, whatever the hell her name is. pretending she has no knowledge of what happened. And then after it all comes out that Debbie and her crew conspired against Bernie, challenged his religion, his faith. Borderline mocked him being a Jew.

Hillary turns around and hires Debbie Washerman Warts. gives her a position in her organization. Man, oh, man, guys. As I said, I'm not going to make this political, but I just continue to shake my head at how corrupt this freaking whole system is, how corrupt Hillary is, and the people are blindly just looking past it.

Oh, so as a little, as a little, you know, way to make the Bernie supporters feel better, I want to close the show out and do the speech at the convention that Bernie should have done that I know all you Bernie supporters wished you had heard. And so here's take two. Here's the real Bernie speech that should have happened. when he got up on the stage the other night. Instead of endorsing the woman that conspired against him and unfairly took him out of the race, he should have gone with his true inner voice

and said to himself, you know, if I really wanted to change the world, change the system, I'm like coming up on 80. I'm never going to be able to run for president again. The system is corrupt. I'm going to speak out now while I have this platform on global television and say this as my contribution to the Democratic Convention.

Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. I would ask that you all just calm down. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. My name is Senator Bernie Sanders. I am here today at the Democratic Convention, and I would just like to say, to all my followers, to all my fans, to all my constituents, and all of the people that were part of the Bernie Sanders, revolution. I would like to say to you to the country of the United States of America, I would like to say to the whole world right now, as I stand up here and watch Hillary Clinton about to receive the nomination officially as frontrunner and candidate for the President of the United States for the Democratic Party. I would like to say to Hillary Rodham Clinton, I am not happy with how this went down.

You cheated, you lied, you conspired against me and my whole campaign, and instead of standing up here and endorsing you and telling the world how fit you are to be President of the United States, Hillary Clinton, you can bend down and grab your cancels and let me shove this piano straight up your lying email ass. You stole the election from me. I had integrity, I had honesty, I had a game plan

that although not loved by everyone, was at least sincere. Up yours, Hillary Clinton. I am Bernie Sanders. I urge all of my followers to stand with me and walk out of this convention right now. We will all go to Denny's and have a roast beef sandwich, and then we will burn New York City to the ground.

Thank you very much. I'm Bernie Sanders. Fuck you, Hillary Clinton. Good night. Okay. There you go. Yeah, let's hear it for Bernie Saunders. Oh, God. Now, although that might have sounded a little harsh and a little angry, I really wasn't doing it for me. I hope that you Bernie Saunders fans, like I said, I'm not really a Bernie guy, but I hope somehow I tapped into something pleasing to Bernie Sanders fans who can at least fantasize. Listen, they love Bernie, man. They're still going. At least they could fantasize through my little ramble there That that's how it really should have gone And I just I don't know how Bernie like gave in

And you know all that hard work he did He just kind of handed the throne to Hillary And said how great she was And how does any politician do that When you spend when you spend months and months Talking about how unqualified they are and how bad they are, and then you turn around and say how great they are. Oh, we need to do better.

We need to do better. So there you go, Bernie fans. You can thank me later. Or maybe that pisses you off. I don't know. Maybe a lot of Bernie fans did go to Hillary. I don't know. I know I wouldn't.

I don't like to be conned. I don't like to be deceived by my own party. So there you go. I think we'll leave it right there. Keep everyone's passions and temperature rising. Ha ha. And we'll see how this whole thing plays out. More to come, I'm sure. That'll be the end of the show right there. Let's do a few announcements. Well, I got you here. Please go to Harlan Williams.com. Check up my stand-up comedy schedule. All my fall dates, fall and winter dates, have now been posted. I might be coming to your city or town, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Salt Lake City, Irvine, San Diego, San Jose.

I mean, I'm motoring. Kansas City. The kid is motoring all over the country. So make sure you check harloweems.com. Go to the stand-up comedy schedule, and you can get your tickets now. We start in September. We roll out in September, ladies and gentlemen. I think the first stop on the tour is actually Salt Lake City, if I'm not mistaken. Let me just check here.

Yeah. Salt Lake City, September 9th and 10th. Then we go to Kansas City, September 15th. And then we're in Pittsburgh, September 30th. So it is starting. I hope you enjoyed the show. Well, you're at harlo-williams.com. You can call me 3-2-3-739-4-3-30.

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So that's it for today. Hope you enjoyed the show. Watch out where you go swimming. Watch out for crocodiles. And I hope you had some laughs here today. Thanks for being here, everybody. And until next time, Chicken, Chalman, baby.