The Harland Highway - 788 - Dr. Ascot returns. Poems of love. The NEW Ghostbusters.

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

Dr. Ascot returns to discuss Harland's reading of his LOVE poem. Thoughts on the NEW Ghostbusters movie. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I want to say what an amazing podcast we have lined up for today. But unfortunately, Dr. Ascot makes an appearance on today's podcast. He hasn't been around for a while. Dr. Ascott, my on-air psychiatrist, psychologist, that the network mandates that I have because they don't think I'm mentally stable, so I have to do these on-air therapy sessions or. I get the pink slip. So he drops by. Also, I'm going to be talking about the new Ghostbusters movie with the all-female cast in response to one of the pavement pounders' phone calls. We're going to chat about, should it be all girls? Interesting conversation.

And then hopefully something nice in the show. I'm going to dig deep and share a very private, intimate poem that I wrote to an ex-girlfriend just to kind of spark the atmosphere of love and talk about love and talk about intimacy and, you know, share some thoughts on life and the process of falling in love and how beautiful it is and how wonderful it is

and blah, blah, blah. So kind of a mixed show today, but isn't it always mixed or mixed up? No matter what, you're a nut. This is, the Harland. Highway... What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about, where? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello. Hello there, Harlan.

This is Nate Collins, Sacramento, California. I just finished listening to your latest podcast about the Superficion. They're pissed off about the superheroes and the gender swapping and all that. And I have to say, man, I was just walking with a smile on my face, listening to that podcast. Like, yes, somebody said it, you know. I just think it's really stupid how they couldn't create more characters, you know. That was the first I'd actually been heard of Thor becoming a woman. Like, why?

That doesn't make any sense to me. But I got a question for you now. Because at the end of the little section you were talking about, about, you know, about making male characters female. So I'm curious, what are your thoughts on the Ghostbusters, the new Ghostbusters movie? Because there's a lot of controversy about, you know, all four characters being played by women. And I don't think you've touched on it on the show, and, you know, you're a comedian. And I know you, I'm sure Ghostbust is one of your favorite movies as it is mine.

So I'm just curious what your thoughts on that. Anyway, I thought it might be something to talk about on the podcast. You have a great day, man, and chicken shall mean, baby. Yeah, Nate, great. That is a great topic. I was ranting and raving about how they're masculating Hollywood and turning all the male heroes, movie heroes, into female heroes. And they're making women characters, the ones that come in and save the day now.

They walk past all the men and kick ass and, you know, which I've said I don't mind women here. but I just feel like they're overdoing it now. They're oversaturating it. And that led to your question about the Ghostbusters. And, you know, I have no problem with the Ghostbusters being women. But here's the problem I do have. I feel like that might have been the whole angle that the reboot of the franchise was based on. I just, you know, the way they marketed it and the way, you know, the atmosphere is right now with

exactly what I just said, bringing back, or having women be the dominant cast members in these movies. I don't feel like the Ghostbusters franchise came back from an organic place where it was like, man, that movie was so cool back in the 80s. You know, let's bring it back. Let's, you know, people just loved the Ghostbusters. Let's, let's redo that movie. and make it greater and better and just revisit it and bring it to a whole new generation of

people. I get the funny feeling and I could be wrong that somebody somewhere just went, you know, we should bring Ghostbusters back, but we got to do it with women. You know, it's time for women to be the Ghostbusters. You know, it's time to show that women can be powerful and funny. and deal with the undead because the men had their turn. Like, I don't know, there's just something about it, the way they marketed it, the way that they, you know,

why didn't they split it up? Why not put like, you know, two men and two women or, I don't know. It just felt too pretentious to me in a way. I got to be honest, I haven't seen the movie. And I don't know that I have any desire to see it. I did like the movie in the 80s. and I don't necessarily think it needed to be redone. There's some movies I think you just leave them the hell alone

because they can't be, you know, they can be redone, but why, you know? And I almost felt like there was a bunch of people in a boardroom or dealing with the times we live in going, you know, we got to put more women out there. We got to, you know, fine, make a movie about four women. But it almost felt like they're almost stuffing the women into the Ghostbusters to prove a point or to, or you know how animals mark their territory? You know, they scratch on tree stumps or they urinate on logs or they, you know, they do things to, I almost felt like someone somewhere was like, you know, we got, that was a successful franchise

with men, but we've got to show that women can do it just as well. We got to show women are Ghostbusters too, because we can't just have to. men, you know, dealing with the nether world. That's sexist if there's no women sucking ghosts into the ether. You know what I mean? There's something about it smacked of like political correctness and I don't know. It just, it didn't feel like totally organic and fun. And yes, the actresses that they got to play are all funny girls.

They're all talented girls. and I don't have any proof. I don't have any data. It's just, it's like kind of a weird film that got on me that resonated with me. And I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I'm just being honest. It just felt like a marketing ploy and another move to like push women into iconic places that were, that are, you know, being held by men or have been created by man

or were, you know, started with men. And I don't know. It's like if you create some beloved characters, like the four guys that were the original Ghostbusters, you know, Harold Ramos and Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray, and unfortunately, I forget the fourth guy. Let's face it, he wasn't very famous. Like nobody knew who the hell he was.

And even in the movie, he was kind of like, yeah, there's the fourth. guy over there. But it's like they were so good and they did such a good job and it's like, I don't know. Why revisit that? Like I would have rather seen, in all honesty, because I really do think those women are talented and comedy forces in their own right, just as equal as Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray and all the other ones.

In their own right, they are just as powerful. But give them their own vehicle. You know, why stuff them all in something that's going to be compared and challenged and competitive with the original movie that didn't really need to be done? Why not create, you know, four funny women and, you know, maybe they're window washers. They're a bunch of nutty window washers or they're bank robbers or they're, you know, if you want to go supernatural, they're zombie hunters or, you know, I just think they could have been better served. original material, which in the end, I think, complements them better because it lets them start with new material, started a new starting line, and they in turn can create their own iconic characters for future generations and current generations to enjoy.

But instead, I felt like this was all part of that play where, you know, let's push women on everyone. and I'm all for pushing women on us but you push women let them be original let them let them create their own voice let them be funny on their own so something just felt off to me and I guess I'll leave it right there

it didn't feel sincere it felt felt like there were some backroom, boardroom politically correct motives attached to the movie and again no proof but that's just the vibe I got. I mean, if I can put the foot on the other shoe for a minute, or is it the shoe on the other foot? I don't know.

Something to do with feed and shoes. How about this? Do you remember the movie Thelma and Louise with Susan Sarandon and Gina Davis? Remember it was a coming-of-age movie where these two crazy housewives took off across the country on a road trip and got into all kinds of trouble and all this stuff, right?

I mean, it was a classic movie with two strong women characters and we all loved it. So do we want to redo Thelma and Louise with two dudes? Do we want two cast members from Saturday Night Live? You know?

Do we want you know instead of Thelman Louise like Larry and Wally or Mark and Eddie That's what I mean like that That was like a classic movie There was no real reason to redo it with men

And it feels like You're almost doing it to just prove a point Oh men can do it Men can men can And maybe they could I don't know but why Like just that that's my point about the female Ghostbusters.

Boom. So there you go. That's my assessment of the new female Ghostbusters. Again, kudos to all those funny women. But in closing, would have rather had seen all of them in a movie, the four of them together in an original screenplay where they just could have been hilarious. There you go. There's my answer.

Thank you for calling in. if you want to call and ask me a question or a query or whatever 323-739-4330 3-2-739-43330 love hearing from you guys and keep those calls coming baby will you shut that thing off oh it's lovely it's just lovely harland it's shade dog hey man I've been listening to all these other podcasts and I start checking ears out you fucking rock man

Good job, dude. I like your podcast a lot, man. I've been a founder here since Rocket Man. Anyways, keep up the bill work, dude. Later. Well, thanks, man. Thanks for the compliment, dude. I really appreciate it.

You know, I try to keep the podcast fun and crazy and kooky and interesting for y'all. And I like to, in keeping with that, I'd like to try something. Every now and then I do this. You know, I dip into poems. that I've written, and an ex-girlfriend of mine sent me a poem that I'd written for her many years ago, and you know how relationships get. They're good, they're bad, they can turn volatile, the emotions run deep, the passions run deep. And, you know, this was a girlfriend that I, over time, you know, broke up with, or she broke up with me, or we both kind of

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, over the course of the relationship, as you all know, you build, you build moments, you build memories, you build, you build, you know, time in your life together. And sometimes, you know, when things aren't going well on the frustration mounts or the passions mount, you know, it just, it becomes this volcano of emotion that comes out of you. And sometimes in order to cope, or sometimes,

in order to express to a significant other that I may be involved with. I like to write things down sometimes in a poem, and that sometimes speaks better than, you know, me verbalizing or getting into a fight or a discussion or a debate or anything like that. So recently one of my exes sent me a poem that I written, I had written her at the kind of the height of our relationship at a point where you know there were some great great moments we stayed together for many years and uh and there were amazing moments i still talk to her uh you know because there was a lot there that was good but you know there was also stuff that that didn't work that didn't mesh and that's eventually why we broke up and so she sent me this poem that i had written her

probably when things were at a crescendo when the emotions were running high when we were confused and scared and vulnerable and wondering which way to go. You've been there, or do I end it? Do I keep it going? Will I ever find someone else? Oh, and so I guess all this stuff came gushing out of me at one point. This is, like I said, this is a few years old, but she had always hung on to this poem and said it had great meaning. And she said it really seemed to sum up where we were at the time.

and so I was happy that I had written it because it still to this day resonates with her and means so much and when she sent it to me it reminded me of where we were at and how dramatic things can get and I asked her I said are you cool if I could share this with my listeners

because I felt like it was kind of a I don't know it felt like there was some strong stuff there that you know that might be be interesting and might reflect into some of you and your relationships. And so with her blessing, she said I could share this very intimate poem. And as you know, I don't often share this kind of stuff. But I thought it was worth sharing because it, like I said, it might resonate

with some of you out there that might be going through some hard times or might be in that place in a relationship where the tensions and the passions are mounting. So without further ado, here it is. A little slice of my life and a little piece of one of my relationships. And a poem that I wrote, I won't mention the girl, but a wonderful girl. Still have love in my heart for this girl. And here's what I wrote to her. You know what?

Before I do this, Roger, give me some nice back. ground like some romantic kind of nice Spanish guitar music for this. Look, can you, can you give me some? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it, right there. All right, here we go. Now the table's set. Let me read this love poem, which is titled, by the way, The Fiery Poem. Like a dog rolled on its back, you leave your heart exposed. Take a pounding on your chest till the blood runs out your nose. And love can make you fight, love can make you lose, love can take a bite, love can make you choose. But when the tide rolls back and the storm has gone away, you emerge from the black,

and it's your eyes that make me stay. Emotions stalk the shadows like a killer in the alley. You become my drink of water as I crawl across the valley. You murder me with your words, but resurrect me with a smile you crush me with your cruelty but only for a while hiding in the glove box you cannot find a clue to why the world spins

spins me into you I hold you like hot chocolate on the cold frosty nights and with that quiet warmth. It erases all the fight. So don't you dare look at me or in me with those eyes. They know too much so round and blue, thinly disguised spies. The challenge lights the fire and the fire likes to dance. Desire is our sire and destiny. our chance.

So there it is. I don't know if that resonates with you, any of those words, any kind of feeling came over you, hearing the poem. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't. But I always say this, even though sometimes love becomes toxic, becomes combative and love comes and love goes I always consider the fact

that I had the privilege of even being in love as monumental I've met people in life that have said what does love feel like they've said I've never been in love and I guess it was love that made me dig down and find these words that meant so much to her and now when I read them back means something to me so even though it doesn't always end the way you want it to

remember life is short and just to be in love is probably one of life's finest offerings. So in the end, I thank the beautiful, wonderful girl that inspired this poem. And I'll let it speak for itself. And I'll leave it right there. I'll leave it.

right there whoa whoa whoa what the hell what the hell hello alland oh god what are you doing here askott

ohland don't start saying my name what uh roger did you let him in olland what are you doing here alland i heard the poem you just read olland

Oh, God, and? Well, as your therapist, Arland, it's obvious to me, Dr. Ascot, that you have some deep, unresolved issues, Arland. Oh, no. Ascot, you know, I just did a beautiful poem. I don't really want you getting your grimy hands all over it. Arland. Stop saying my name! Ohland Stop it

Holland What are you doing And why are you wearing A butterscotch colored sweater And lemon yellow loafers Ohland Let's not deflect the attention From you onto me

Alland Well I find it distracting that you're here And I find it extra distracting That you would dress like this And is that gel in your hair Holland, let's focus on the deep, emotional feelings you have. I don't want to! Arland, you will get a pink slip if you don't do your on-air therapy with me, your psychiatrist, Dr. Ascot.

God! I don't want you invading my space! Holland, you just shared your beautiful poem with everybody. Well, had I known you. You were listening, I probably wouldn't have. You just make things creepy. Arland. Stop saying my name, Dr. Ascot. Holland.

Stop it! What do you want to say? Arlen, your poem obviously touched on some deep, deep psychological themes. It's quite evident, Arlen, that you went through a turbulent, relationship, but you're still holding on to some of those deep, deep feelings of love, Holland. No, I'm not, Dr. Ascot. Thank you very much.

I told you this is from an ex-girlfriend I wrote this poem, and it was from like probably six years ago now, maybe more. Holland, it doesn't matter. Have you ever left cheese or a head of lettuce in your fridge? Yes, what's that got to do with anything? And you know how mold grows on the cheese, Arland, and fungus? Okay! And it starts to smell rancid like dirty garbage from a garbage dump?

Okay! Well, that's what you smell like, Arland, in your heart. What? Your heart smells like a dirty, vile garbage dump. and your arteries are full of mold and fungus, Holland. Would you knock it off? Good Lord! Holland, what you need to do is get the emotions out of your system, Holland.

Well, I told you I'm not hanging on to anything. Well, that poem says different, Alan, and I think it's time that you purged your love. love for what was her name i'm not saying her name out of respect for her and out of for my own privacy reasons i don't want to say her name was it karen holland no it wasn't karen alice no it's not alice cynthia no it's not cynthia well then let me name her for you holland what do you mean let's just call her clunk. What? Clunk, Arland.

What do you mean clunk? That's what I will call her since you don't want to give her a name. You're not calling my ex-girlfriend clunk, Dr. Ascot. Arland, don't yell at me with your fungus-covered heart and your garbage-dump lettuce mouth. I don't have a fungus heart or a garbage-dump lettuce mouth. Holland. Stop saying my name. Holland, I need you to purge these emotions that you still hold on to to clunk.

Her name's not clunk. Holland. And stop saying my name. Clunk. Stop it. Holland. Stop it. Clunk.

Stop saying. Holland. Stop it. Plunk. Stop saying clunk. Clunk! Allent. Stop saying Harland!

Clunk. Stop. Get out of here! I'm not finished, Arland. I think you have to purge Clunk's memory from your heart. You're not going to leave until you're finished with this, are you asked God? Exactly, Arland. That's what I'm hired to do, Arland. Can't believe you get paid in your butterscotch shirt and your lemon yellow loafers and your gooey hair. Holland, let's focus on you and clunk.

Her name's not clunk! I want you to pretend to vomit, Holland, so that you can puke up all the memories you're holding onto of clunk. I want you to spew all your dirty emotions on the floor and try and forget. Well, that sounds real romantic, Ascot. vomit, Arland. I'm not going to vomit my memories. All these memories are holding you back, Arland.

It's best if you purge them or puke them up. Maybe I don't want to get rid of my memories. They will just foul up your life, Holland, and slow you down, like a stain on your soul. I don't have a stain on my soul. Have you ever woke up in the morning, Arland, and there's stains on your sheets? What do you mean? I'm not going to answer that. I think you know what I'm talking about, Arland. Puss, blood, other things.

I'm not going to talk to you, of all people, about stains on my sheet. Well, clunk is a stain on your heart, Arland. Her name's not clunk. I'm afraid clunk is a shart on your heart, Holland. What did you just say? Clunk is a shart on your heart. A shart on my heart. Think of a stain on your sheet, Holland.

Have you ever sharted in your bed? Oh my God, are you kidding me? You're equating. my wonderful romance that I had to a shart stain on my bed sheet shart on your heart, Arland. Clunk has... She's not named clunk.

Nobody sharted on a heart. Get the hell out of here, you freak. You're totally ruined a beautiful poem. What the hell was that? That was the sound of your heart doing a shart, Holland. Get at it. Roger, I want him out here. Get out, get out, get out.

Clunk. Get out! Do you want me to go out that door, Holland? Yes, Ascot. I want you to go out that door. And when I close the door behind me... Yes? What happens, Arland? Yes.

If it goes clunk. Get out of here! Idiot, what happens if it goes... Her name's not. Clunk! Shot on your heart, darling. Nobody shot. Out! Out, out, out, out! Clunk. Get out! Jesus, God, Mother, and Mary, and the other kids she didn't even have. Talk about a buzzkill. Wow.

Just ruined, you know, I put a lot of effort into that poem. It holds very sentimental and loving memories for me, and this idiot Dr. Ascot comes in, and, for lack of it, to borrow one of his terms, shard it all over my poem. What a dillweed, man. Unbelievable. I can't believe that stupid idiot. God! Makes me want to shoot myself. and clunk to the floor all and stuck it out

God! I'm not clunking to the floor I'm going to end the show right now I'm too upset I'm too damn upset Roger I can't believe you let Dr. Ascot in here right after I poured my heart out for my listeners for the pavement pounders you probably ruined it for them too by letting Ascot in here.

Clunk. Get out! Holland, you should hear what it sounds like when I walk down the marble hallway in my hard dress shoes. It sounds something like this. Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Get out of here! That's it.

Show's over. Show is over. Roger, don't let them in once more. clunk. Who would name their beautiful child clunk? What a dork, man. What a dumb dork. I'm going to end it right here. All right. If you want to call me and leave a message, a phone message, 323-739, 43330. 323739-4330 is the message machine. It takes a few rings to pick up. get in there and leave a message. It's just a generic message, and I might play your message on the show.

Also, you can write me at Harlanwiliams.com. We have a contact link on the website. We also have the phone number there, too, if you can't remember 3-2-3-739-4-3-30. Or if you want to make it all so much easier, just get our free app. Go to your cell phone, go to your app store and type in the Harland Highway, and you have direct contact via email, you have the phone number on the app, you have the most current 50 episodes of the show. And if you want, you can join up to our premium membership and get all eight, almost 800 episodes of the show, plus all the bonus premium content that I put out there. Lots of live stand-up comedy. my other podcast called

Let's Have a Fight Special interviews and stories Oh, it's a deal 20 bucks for the whole year Okay, to get your premium membership For the Harland Highway Everyone's loving it And I thank all of you

Who have become premium members I love creating that content for you guys I almost feel bad doing it Because everyone listening now You're missing out on it And I feel a little bit bad but, you know, I got to treat the premium members with some great bonus material.

So there you go. What else can I tell you? Well, you're at the site. Check out our store at harloweems.com. We have some great fun merchandise you can order. Digital downloads, T-shirts, books, CDs, DVDs, all kinds of great stuff. Artwork, music.

We just got all kinds of stuff in that old. you know, online store at harlewiams.com. I'll tell you that much. And what else? That's it. I want to say thank you for being here. I hope you enjoyed the show. And until next time, chicken.

Chalemaine, baby. Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Thank you.