The Harland Highway - 790 - SEX MONKEYS!! Leaf blower madness. Pissed off Harland

Episode Date: August 8, 2016

Harland gets PISSED OFF about the dentist. Crazy SEX MONKEYS. Leaf blower madness! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord love a lemon meringue pie. Eh, eh, eh, well, then don't love a lemon meringue pie. I love the Harland Highway podcast because that's what we're doing right now. We are podcasting. My name is Harlan Williams. I am your host. And what a show we have today? Later in this show, we're going to be talking about a very sexual tribe of monkeys, of great apes.

Very unsettling. There's some crazy sex. antics going on in the jungle folks. I will be talking about that. Also, I'm going to dry my hair with a leaf blower. Let me just throw that out there. I will be drying my hair with a leaf blower during today's show. And then we're going to have my Harland gets pissed off segment where this was a really weird situation. I was at the dentist. And, something happened at the dentist's office that set me off, got me in a pissed off frame of mind. I was vulnerable. I was in a chair. I had hoses in my mouth. And all I could do was get

pissed off. And you'll hear why when you listen to the podcast today. Crazy, crazy stuff. So let's do it. Let's get the plaque off our teeth. Let's get ready to laugh. Here we go. This is the Harland Highway What are I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. It is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay. Oh boy. I'm running, running late.

I was late getting into the studio this morning. You ever have one of those days when you're just running late? And so I didn't have. a chance to dry my hair. I'm still, my hair's still soaking wet. I just got out of the shower. What? Roger? I asked Roger to find a hair dryer for me. All you could get was a leaf blower? Yeah, I see it. There's a giant leaf blower on the desk here. You won't. Dry my hair with the leaf blower. Are you, well, okay, I guess. I gotta dry my hair hang on here with me gang I'm I'm it might be a little unconventional

but I'm gonna dry my hair with a leaf blower is it is it is it gassed up okay Roger gave me the thumbs up it's gassed up I'm I'm turning on the leaf blower I'm gonna dry my hair hang hang with me here gang here we go whoa whoa oh boy oh my eyes my eyes Ah, oh, God! Right, I can't, I can't even... Oh my God, oh, it's blowing my face sideways. I can't, I'm early, okay, and my hair is crooked. My, my skin is, I've got,

Holy, holy, good Lord. Oh, my God, well, look at that, my hair's like, 90% drive there's a little spot on the back here hang on one sec okay here we go where we go i think we're going oh oh wow my eyes again ow oh oh oh my eyes oh my mouth is going over i hear like a dog with a face out of lindoc wow that is really strong hold on just a little A little on the side here. I think I got it. Oh, here we go.

Right there. Right there. Ah, okay. Okay. Okay. I look like a, well, my hair looks like Michael J. Fox's hair. It's all like, it's all feathered. And there's a dam. What the hell is this?

There's a twig in my hair. But that was pretty fat. You know, Roger, I was like, this is ridiculous. And now I got to say, like, that, that's like the fastest I've ever dried my hair, but I got to say my face feels a little crooked here. Let me just realign my mouth. It's kind of like blue, there's so much wind, kind of blew my, my whole face is. There, there will, there we go.

Okay, uh, we did that. My hair's dry. I'm ready to do the show, gang. Uh, and, uh, why don't we start? with, uh, you know, me being pissed off. How about that? Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams.

You're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck. These fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Okay, this, this, this one is kind of mixed, okay?

I'm pissed off, but it's hard to be pissed off because of the situation. Here's what it is. I went to get my teeth clean today. How many of you have been through this torture chamber session? I mean, there's got to be a better way than this, this archaic, antiquated, barbaric method of scraping the scum and the crust off your teeth. Oh, God. And we all get it.

Some of us don't. Some people have perfect white, shiny teeth. And that's a whole different pissing me off thing. It's more like I'm jealous. But the rest of us, you know, if we leave our teeth for like a month or not a month, like six months or seven or eight months or a year, let's face it, you get a little bit a crud down in the gum line and you know they're not as white as they could be yada yada yada so so you know twice a year i try to go in and stay hygienic and healthy and they say that you know if you get if you get

stuff in your gums it can also the same plaque can go into your heart and it's the same exact same plaque that that clogs your heart arteries and i mean good lord so it's just it's all scary all around so twice a year I go in and I don't know if you've had your teeth clean if you haven't you should but basically it takes about you know half an hour to an hour and they lay you down and they open your mouth and they get these really sharp like toothpick like metal wiry things and they scrape your teeth and they go they stick them down beneath your gum line and scrape the the gunk out of there. And it's horrible. So I use the nitrous, man. I get that they have the nitrous gas. They put a little mask on your nose. It's like, right? Just that comforting, that hum, that hiss.

And you kind of go off into la la land. You're like, you're high during the whole thing. And then when they shut it off at the end, you're like perfectly clearheaded. So it's like an insta high. but I am so squeamish and so I just hate I think we all hate having our teeth poked and prodded but especially with these little wiry like metal implements and tools that they use and then you get the sucking thing you know the thing that sucks your saliva and your blood and oh so so it's bad enough I got to go down and by the way you're paying for it it's like 200 bucks by the way to get tortured. And all you S&M listeners right now are going,

really? Oh, my God, let me sign up for that. Can I wear my leather mask? But you lay down and you open your mouth and in goes your dental hygienist and they're scraping and it's pretty intense work. And you're using sharp implements on someone's gums which are very sensitive and full of like pressure points

and, you know, sensitivity points that lead to pain. And let's face it, I don't think our gum line was meant to be lifted up and scraped and all that's wonderful stuff. And so it's painful. There's bleeding. You know, your gums bleed rather easily when they're poked with metal objects. And so it's sensitive. of, and it takes concentration and focus because you don't want the person cleaning your teeth

to kind of drift off and start, like, accidentally going too deep or poking the roof of your mouth or, God forbid, hitting a nerve or whatever. So here's where I'm pissed off, and it kind of sucks because my dental hygienist is such a sweetheart. She's an older lady. She's as nice as they come. She's so sweet. She does such an amazing thorough job. and she's very focused and intense

and takes her work very seriously but on today for some reason she was a chatterbox she decided you know that I was going to be her social event of the day or I was the tea party or whatever and all of a sudden she's talking about her vacation and don't get me wrong I love this lady

she does a great job and she's sweet but there's some jobs where you shouldn't be talking. And this is where I was getting pissed off. And not only that, I'm high as a kite. And she's telling me about her vacation. She's canoeing and she's hiking and she's camping and she's going here and her husband did this and they had to take a plane and the tickets were too much. And not only is she chatting about it like going on and on.

And I'm like in my head, in my inebriated. Nitra's gas head, I'm going, focus, focus on the teeth, focus on the gut, blood lines, on the gum lines. I taste blood in my mouth. Ow, that hurt, you know. And then not only is she chatting, but she's asking me questions. She's talking to me like we're having a coffee at Starbucks. She's talking to me like we're sitting at Denny's over breakfast.

So how about you, Harland? What are you doing this summer? been in a small plane? When was the last time you were camping? Isn't it fun? Tell me about your summer. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, lady, there's three tubes in my mouth, sucking blood and water. I've got a mask on my face. I'm breathing in nitrous gas. I'm stoned. And PS, you've got like wire implements up in my gum line scraping and I'm sitting here clenching. my fists crossing my toes my testicles are up

in my belly button my butt cheeks are clenched for some reason I feel like I just sucked on a lemon I'm as nervous and tense as a tight rope walker who just had Vaseline put on his rope

I don't want to be here I can't talk my mouth is full it's bleeding you're poking at it what do you want me to say And so I'm doing my best. I'm like, uh-huh, uh, oh, I want to do it. Yeah, I sound, I hate to be mean. I sound like a mentally challenged kid.

How do I, how do I vocalize? I'm like, you know, I like to go camping and something like that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, no, no, your husband? Oh, yeah, well, like, oh, this summer I'm going to go camping or, you know, I've got a new sleeping bag. You know, it's like, good Lord. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Guess what she brought up? Guess what she decided she wanted to talk about. You guessed at the election. She brought up the out of nowhere. So, uh, Harland? And I don't want to know. have to tell me but who do you think's going to win this crazy election and I'm like in my head I'm like this is a trap what do you mean you don't have to tell me if I tell you who I think's

going to win that's probably and then she's like you know no matter what you say I don't I don't think that that's who you're voting for I just wonder who you think's going to win and then she start of course this is in Los Angeles in Hollywood where everyone hates Trump. Everyone's a blind sheep following Hillary, of course. You know, she could crap on the Pope's doorstep and they'd stand up and applaud her. You know, they just blind, blind sheep, lemmings running off the cliff for Hillary. Corrupt. Oh, I don't even want to get into it. But anyways, so now she asked me, asked me about the election. And you guys know, I've said it. I'm voting for Trump. I like Trump.

And I won't even get into all the reasons. And I know there's people that are hating me right now. Who cares? It's a free country. So I'm thinking, wait a minute. This lady is clearly a Hillary lady. She's in my mouth with sharp instruments. And I'm about to say I like Trump?

What? Now my stoned mind is in a dilemma. And I had to play the Canadian card. And I think it was very clever. I played two cards. I played the Canadian card. And normally I don't back down from, you guys know, I say, what I believe I say. If someone asks me who I like, I say it.

I'm not a coward. But when someone's, you know, reaming my gum line out with metal instruments, I'm going to play it smart, man. This is a game of mental chess all of a sudden, right? so here's what I do I play the I play the Canadian card and I play the statistic card and she goes you know well I'm well she's doing my teacher so who do you think's going to win the election Harland and I go you know the I was like and so she stopped for a minute so I can she pulled the pipes out of my mouth and I was actually able to talk and I said well first of all, I'm Canadian, and I lied a little bit. I said, so I can't even vote, but now I'm

American, too. There was a time when that was true, but now I'm American, so I can vote. I said, I can't really vote. I said, as a Canadian, it's fun just to sit back and watch all of this. I really had to kind of lie, but do you blame me? Wouldn't you? You're laying in the torture chair? And then I said, I said, well, I kind of look, I break it down more like this, statistically. I said, it's very, very rare that any political party in America lasts more than two terms. I think it's only happened twice in the history of American politics. I could be wrong, but I know there was Reagan, Reagan, Bush, Sr. And then there was one a little further back. But it's rare statistically. It could.

happen, but it's statistically rare that a political party lasts more than two four-year terms. And so I said, well, statistically, I think the Republicans are going to win. I think Trump will win because of the statistics. And this, like, this worked. She was like, oh, Harland. You know, I never thought of this angle. You know, I've talked to a lot of people about this, and you're the first one that's kind of now you're making me think you're right i'd never i'd never brought this into the equation harland

and now i just took a nice big like breath of nice i was like i was like okay i just i sucked in the nitrous and my brain just started skipping through a field of dandelions with sugar sugar cream clouds and tangerine lollipops and I was holding hands with koala bears and I think Dorothy was there and a you know a fudge whale

swam through the sky and an upside down giraffe made of licorish I was like I think I did it I think I bullshitted the torture master I'm just breathing because the deeper you breathe the nitrous the higher you get

man And I'm just sucking it in. I'm like, I just got over that torture speed bump. Can you imagine if I said, oh, I like Trump. Trump's going to win just because I like them. Can you imagine how deep she would have dug those? You son of a. Oh, sorry, Harlan.

Look at this. I just found a cluster of film and crust way, way up in your gumline, almost right under your eyelash. Right? So I played it smart, man, and she was quite impressed with that answer. And I was in the safety zone, man. But nonetheless, the reason I'm pissed off is because, you know, don't talk to me, don't start a conversation with me when I'm incapable of responding.

You can talk, but don't expect me to answer. And if you're really focused, like, focus, like, I don't want, I don't want the pilot of an airplane coming on the loudspeaker as he's landing. Coming on the, and go, hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Boston area. We are just lowering the lightning gear, and we're about to touch down in about a minute and a half here. This is the most crucial part of the flight. anyone who's studied aerodynamics knows that most plane crashes occur as you're coming in for a landing. And I thought I'd take this opportunity, ladies and gentlemen, to welcome you to Boston. And how about a knock-knock joke?

Knock-knock. Who's there? Stewardess. Stewardess who? We don't call them stewardesses anymore. We call them flight attendants. So anyways, let me tell you about my summer plans, ladies. and gentlemen, as we come in this very crucial moment, as we slowly lose altitude and approach land at 600 miles an hour from the sky, I, uh, I mean, can you imagine?

There's some jobs where you just fucking need to focus and shut your pie hole. And like I said, as much as I love my dental hygienist, next time, shut your pie hole. because when you talk, when you're grinding in my gums, you're pissing me off. Oh, yeah. Let's switch gears here real quick. Let's go from something, you know, that pissed me off to something that I don't know what it made me feel. I mean, I'm a nature show guy. I like to watch my nature shows.

So if you see me sitting on the couch and the flat screens. got a whole bunch of speckled giraffes and praying mantises and beavers making a damn. Don't disturb me, or I'll freak out on your face, your freckled fat face. But I was watching a nature show the other day, and I couldn't decide if this was a good thing or a bad thing or a disturbing thing, or it was unreal. I guess the most recent, the most recent species of great ape, you know, amongst the gorillas and the chimpanzees, they found a species that's smaller than a chimp. They resemble chimps, but they're called the bonobos. They're the bonobo, whatever, chimp or great ape or whatever.

But they were the most recently discovered, I think. they were discovered in the 30s or something like that. And they live in, I can't remember if it's the northern part of the Congo or something like this. It doesn't matter. But what does matter is unlike chimps who resolve their differences through tribal warfare and violence and raiding each other's territories and pummeling and. violently mulling and killing their opposition, the bonobos, and by the way, the chimp clans and the guerrilla clans are ruled by dominant males.

Okay, and apparently in the chimp clan, especially, the male chimps love to just beat the crap out of the women. They're just, they're like wife beaters, these big hairy freaks. They get off, whenever they get frustrated or they get bored, they just wail on the women, the women folk. But in this bonobo tribe, it was the complete opposite, and it was, in a way, it was like, okay, I get it. But in another way, it was like, holy crap, this is disturbing. The bonobos are ruled by women. women are at the top of the hierarchy.

Women are the ones that make the calls, but it's not through violence. It's not through intimidation. It's not through aggression. The bonobos are very sexual. Yeah, the bonobos resolve things by running up to you and humping you. They run up and they run up and and tick

your genitalia they run up and and and start playing with your sensitive areas they run up and just start humping your face or rubbing their vulva all over you and I'm not making this up I watched it I watched it on my nature show because I like to watch nature shows and it was very interesting. I thought it was kind of like the narrator of the show described them as the hippies of the jungle because it's all about love, baby, love, peace and love,

free sex, man. And I thought, okay, I get it, but then all of a sudden, this free loving society, the bonobos, it took a really weird turn because they started showing that they did, The kids were involved. Like there could be a six-month-old or a one-year-old or a five-year-old.

If that kid started acting up, one of the bonobos would run over and pardon my French here. But they'd grab the two-year-old and the women would rub their pussy all over its face. Thing would be screaming. You know, five bonobo women run up and start rubbing their. oyster bake all over all over this little guy or girl it was quite startling and then there was some footage where a little baby was causing a ruckus ruffling around in the leaves

and an elder ran over and started like again this isn't me jerking his chain like his little tiny little monkey weiner I mean, it looked like a pink inchworm hanging out of that black hair, and the mother's, like, tugging on it, like she's, you know, calling for room service at the Waldorf. What the hell? And it wasn't just humping.

There was, like, there was, like, rubbing and grinding, and it's just very disturbing. It's kind of like what you'd see, you know, at the Motel 6 in, uh, somewhere in northern Ohio on her. Saturday night after the bars close. It was very disturbing, man. But I guess the thing that astonished me is it seemed to resolve all the issues in this monkey clan. They're not monkeys, they're great apes.

It just, everything, you know, there'd be a disturbance. They'd all flock together. It'd be like, sometimes it was six, seven at a time, just like a, it was like a black, furry ball of umping it was like a giant uh jungle fuckball i know that sounds weird but you know they're up in the trees they've all got black fur but the ladies vulvas are like big and yellow it looks like a conch shell crawled out on the beach and in the blackness and all this of this wall of this cluster of monkey fur. There's like 12

like oyster eyes peeking out, rubbing all over the place furiously. I was just sitting there going, that's freaking disturbing, man. And in the middle there's children and the boys and the men and the it was just like they should rename them the perv monkeys

or something. The orgy monkeys. But nobo doesn't really describe how freewheeling these whack-a-doodles are, man. And I thought, okay, at the end of the day, if nobody's getting hurt, nobody's getting maimed and nobody's getting, you know, these chimpanzees literally rip each other apart, man. It's a violent, horrific death.

They murder each other, chimpanzees. The bonobos just like, get it on, man. They go into porno mode. And everyone walks away kind of smiling, but then I'm wondering what the, is there mental disruptions in their brains? Do they need to see a counselor? Is there, is there psychological damage? I mean, can you imagine being a three-year-old monkey boy? And your grandmother, your aunt, and your seven sisters come over and decide to do a clam rub all over you?

Just because you were a little noisy rustling in the bushes? I mean, God, I'd be, I think I'd be suicidal. I'd be so traumatized. It was just like bizarre. I don't know if there's, there's footage of these bonobo on YouTube, but I'm not making this stuff up, gang. And so I'm just mystified and freaked out. And I guess in my head, I'm like, God, is love the way?

Is, is, is human, is, is human, is monkey contact the way? Or is it, is it better to have the violence and the, the anger and the, I mean, I almost, I almost sat there wondering, what's more disturbing? But I guess if I lived in the jungle, if I'm being honest, would I rather be ripped from, limb to limb, and my genitals bitten off and my eyes gouged out by 14 aggressive, very strong muscular male chimpanzees? Or would I rather be like rubbed on and humped in the face and overly sexualized by a bunch of crazy monkey broads? I don't know, man. Oy, aye, y, y.

At least at the end of the bonobo, I was going to say rape, but the bonobo rub. At least you walk away. But how demented is your brain after that, man? It's like going through a car wash of vulva. Just rubbing and grinding. Unbelievable.

Anyways. I had to talk about it because it kind of blew my mind. So if you get the chance, go on YouTube and see if there's any bonobo action. Forget about if any of you are checking out porno sites. Just go to go check out the bonobo action, man. That should turn you off of everything for the rest of your life. You'll probably become a priest. I'm thinking of becoming a monk.

in the Swiss Alps after watching my nature show. Alleluia, hallelujah. Oh, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hallelujah.

Ah, who, ho, oh, oh, blah, blal, glah,

oh, blah, blah, oh, oh, oh, God. Maybe I got to stop

watching nature shows. sweet lord bonobo heaven wow there you go there you go i think we end the show right there with those visuals yikes yikes and triple yikes um hey before i go a few quick announcements uh please check out our our app the harland highway app you can get it in your cell phone in your app store Just type in the Harland Highway, and you are good to go.

You can download the app for free, and you get the current 50 episodes, the latest 50 episodes that are current, and then for 20 bucks a year, you get the whole backlist of episodes, and you get special content, and you get all kinds of great stuff if you become a premium member, 20 bucks a year. You can also write me at Harlan Williams, You can check out our web store at Harlow Williams.com, and you can call me at Harlowwilliams.com. 323-739, 4330. 3-2-3-9-43330 is the number. Leave a message. It takes a few minutes for the phone to pick up.

I think it's like six rings. I'm trying to fix that. But hang in there and leave a phone message and maybe we'll play it on the show. so that's it for today i hope you had a good time um and uh you know until next time stay out of the motel 6 in northern ohio and chicken chal maine baby