The Harland Highway - 792 - SPECIAL GUEST - Funny funnnny comedian friend Kira!

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

Today Harland has his comedian friend Kira on the show and they have tons of laughs talking about life!! Plus the game Too soon or Not too soon! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Highland Highway. It's great to have you here. I'm sucking on a corn of cob while I do the intro here. No, I'm not sucking on a corn of cob. Or a, wait, a cob of corn. Oh, my God. Hey, welcome to the show. Very special show to have a very funny, funny, funny, funny guest. She's a stand-up comedian. She is hilarious I won't tell you who This is just the intro This is the buildup to tease you But I haven't had a guest on the show

For a little while And I thought it was overdue You know you probably Why does Harland always talk When is he gonna have someone else on the show I mean God he just drones on And his voice is annoying And I think he might have

Halitosis and gingivitis and tonsillitis, and does he ever shut up? So today is your dream. I got a great guest. We had a blast. I had such a laugh doing the show with this special guest. So I won't even tell you who it is. I'll play the intro here.

And then on the other side, we'll just get it rocking and rolling. And let's have some laugh. So here we go, ladies gentlemen. Let's have some fun with our secret mystery guest. here on the Harland Highway. What are you? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard that is fantastic that's wrong with everybody in this crazy place the harland highway what is it opening to what to another dimension this is harland williams you're a bad man you're a very bad man that is fantastic everybody this is harland williams welcome to the harland highway podcast oh what a what a delight this one's going to be uh I have a very, very, very special guest today.

She's hilarious. And I say I like iPhone, iPad. That's how you know someone's hip. She's hilarious. Kira Sultanovich is here. Hilari. Right? Hi, Kira.

Hi. You said that so well and you were so worried. I know. I'm a worry ward. You don't have to be. I wonder if you've ever been to Africa. I have. Have you ever seen a warthog?

Yeah, but you don't have to go to Africa. You know that, right? Why? Well, like they're at the zoo. Okay, so you've seen a warthog. Like a redneck's backyard, too. A redneck, yes, so there's some in Alabama and Missouri. Wild African warthogs are in southern United States.

Now, technically, I have been to South Africa. Does that count? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see a warthog when you're there? I mean, I think they prefer lesbian, but whatever you... Oh, that's the... Lesbian hog? No, no.

Wow. I joke to the lesbians because I want to be one. No way. Have you tried? Have you given it a swirl? Nope. Nope. Oh, dude.

It's like being lactose intolerant and just always wanting ice cream. Oh, have you ever gone for a test drive at a car dealership? No, because I feel like I'd break out in a rash. No, you probably will break out in what looks like. a rash but yeah yeah but no just go to like any like lesbian bar yeah and uh i've been to a million and you've never gone for a test drive no girl girl girl six no oh you should try it i should i will bucket list yeah you'll do it yeah you'll do it one day oh i'm so excited the good the good news for chicks is that whoever you're with if you're with a dude uh they're totally fine with that

Yeah, dudes never minded if there's another girl. No, so I feel like I wouldn't have to even check in with my husband. Yeah, yeah, he'd just, who's that? Yeah. But no, wait a minute. Does your husband have an affinity for a certain type of girl? Like he might not, like he might want at least a seven out of ten or something like that, you know? I don't think he would care.

Would you care, really? Well, he wouldn't go for like a kid in a wheelchair, would he? Like all of a sudden there's a wheelchair in your bed? The kid part is weird. Let's just start with that. Girl, girl, like a girl. Like kid, I meant she had horns like a goat. Like a horn hog.

Yeah. Yeah. I think he'd be fine with that. He'd be okay with you in the bed, him in the bed, a temprapetit mattress and a kid in a wheelchair. A girl in a wheelchair. Again, not a kid. I don't know what. I mean a woman that looks like a goat.

Okay, you're right. I think he'd be okay with that too. He'd be all right. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Right. I hate to see something get stuck in the spokes.

Right. On the wheel. Because you know at least one of the wheels would be spinning during a sex act. Sure. If you're doing it right. Right. And all of a sudden maybe he turns the wrong way and wham in the spokes, dude. Look, that's just a hazard of, I mean, that's just what you have to deal with.

I feel like you're saying a player's got to play. Players got to play. Don't hate the game. Okay. Well, this is good. This leads into my first question here. Okay. Have you been following the Olympics at all? Yes. You have? The winter, though. Oh, the winter, not the summer ones. From last winter, I'm just catching up.

Wow, you watch your TVR'd them? Yeah, yeah. I t-vode them even. Who won the Luzed, you know? The French guy, I think. French, yeah. Don't spoil it. No spoilers. No spoilers. No spoilers. Well, you know, it's interesting because we have the summer Olympics going on, which you'll probably watch next day in the winter.

Sure. And around Christmas time, I'm sure you'll throw them on. But we all, you've heard of the Special Olympics for, you know, people with special needs. Yep. And I wonder, should there be a sports league for people, not Special Olympics, but mental illness? Like people, you know, should we have a professional, you know, there's the NHL for hockey, there's the NBA, there's Major League. Should we have teams like the Seattle Schizzo's or the Kansas Cutters? the Denver depresssoids, the Pittsburgh perverts, Atlanta addicts, Houston hoarders, these type of...

I'm with you. I think it's a great idea, but imagine what'll happen when they lose. Whoa. It'll just be a bloodbath. Yeah, like, okay, so let's say... I mean, that's the worst for a cutter, right? Like, they lose on the luge, and then that's it. Or worse, what if the, like, the Kansas Cutters is an ice hockey team?

team and they got those sharp skates. Yeah. And they're all in the box. I mean, that's really a game till the end. Like they're literally pulling like, like Circtosolang their legs up, pulling them up with this and cutting their bodies. Right. When they don't score.

Oh, you bring up a good point. Yeah. So I think it's a smart idea. Yeah. But really, I mean, man, that game would be intense. Would it help? Would it help people with mental illness, like get out their aggressions or get out their demons or things if they if they could get out and play football or basketball or hockey is that is

therapeutic or anything i would think so it makes sense right you got voices in your head so uh you know you're playing defense but also the voices in your head there's a goalie in there there's an offense you know what i mean you got you got a left tackle a right tackle i don't know what i'm even saying anymore but a left tackle on a right time yeah i think you're talking about speakers now Sure, yes. But I think there is something, this is real, this is 100% true. Oh, my God. I think you need to look up the cannabis games, which are games.

I'm from San Francisco, that's where I grew up. Okay. And I saw advertised there when I was visiting cannabis games. You almost said cannibal. I know. Was Jeffrey Dahmer on any of those teams? Well, I think when you're really high, you also get the munchies. Yeah, so they might be the...

There might be the same thing. But it's games. These are real games for people very, very high. Wow, really? Yes, it's a real event. I saw billboards. I just came from San Francisco yesterday. I just flew in.

I just don't know if I want to be in the stadium when a guy on, like, PCP is throwing a javelin. Okay, so you just aged yourself. Nobody does PCP anymore, Benjamin Button. I don't know what year you just time traveled from, but welcome to 2016. Or whatever drug. What drug should it have? Sure. No, look. What should have I put in there? The 70s...

Molly? I don't want to be a jive turkey. I'm with you. Player, you got to play, player. I don't know what the kids are. I'm just going to say edibles. I'm just going to say everybody's on edibles. But they're all playing very, very, very high. Wow. Which begs the question, you know, all these baseball players and even the Olympiads. Yeah. From, are they the Russians that were recently? They're all jacked up, right?

They all tested positive for drugs. But this, everybody's testing positive for drugs. Everybody's on drugs, but they're on, they're on, you know, edibles, I guess. What about opiates? A cookie. Does that make me old to say opiate? I mean, the way you say it. Yeah.

My voice is old. No. No, no, no. How about some opiates? Hey, kids, you get those quailudes off my front lawn. Get those mushrooms out of your hair. No, mushrooms, I think, is still hip. Oh, mushrooms is good.

Okay. But I don't know what kind of drugs. I'm assuming everyone's just high on just regular old-fashioned weed. Have you ever played sports on, on, and been inebriated, like high? Well, let's separate that question because that's two, that's two questions. Have you ever played sports? Have you? Is the first question.

What do you mean by sports? Like your legs moving faster than walking? Okay, so I, in high school, participated in, in high school sports. Okay. I was not good at them because I always felt bad when the other team was losing. Oh, you were compassionate. Very too compassionate where my coach, Coach Christensen, shout out to Coach Christensen, go Maceteer Jaguars. He would get anger with me.

I'd be, let's say, on first base, I have a runner on first, and I'm telling the runner, don't worry, you guys are down by two runs, but you're going to come up. You're going to be fine. Like I would give them a pep talk. Yeah, you were like psychologically nursing these little bunkeys. And so coach Christians seem like like, Soltanovich, stop talking to your runner. I'm surprised you didn't take a bat to your legs. Well, then I'd be on the Denver Depressives.

Is that the team you pitched? Yeah, the Pittsburgh Pervers. So I just did cross country in high school. Oh, wow. I felt like that's like the least competitive because it's really just a bunch of idiots. running. It's the worst sport. Who was it? Norm McDonald used to have a joke about

he goes, man, I went cross-country skiing the other day. I got tired when I hit Saskatchewan. Oh, Canadian humor. Oh, Saskatchewan. We don't know where that is in this country. You know? I don't even know. We don't even know. That just sounds like a ride at Great America.

When I was a kid, we used to go to Great America and they would have like, you know, the old frontier land. we'd have like a ride and there'd be like an old like animatronic guy with a beard and like panning for gold yeah and then it'd be like the log jammer ride you know and it'd be like we always thought that was Canadians yeah that probably is that's pretty accurate do you guys hollow out logs and ride in them we hollow them out and wear them as shoes oh yeah you guys are the cutest we are the cute we are the cute and the woodsiest if there was a competition for cutest country yeah it'd be you guys

Really? Over Bermuda? Oh, for sure. Fuck me. Yeah. Fuck me sideways. Canadians are like those kittens that are holding on to a branch. Okay. Now someone just aged themselves.

Come on. That poster was from 72, girl. I know it. I was on Quailudes when I first saw. I was on PCP. Right? Wow. I took the PCP all the way to Malibu once and it was a beautiful, a beautiful ride.

Wow. And it says, hang in there. It's almost Friday. That's Canadians. You guys are kittens. I feel like if I went to a pet shop that was full of Canadians just rustling around and cut up newspaper, and I just sat there and you guys were all climbing on top of me and licking me. Meowing.

Except we do. We do that we go like meow. A? Yeah. Speaking of babies, I got to ask, because I know you've had kids, do women ever worry their unborn babies are going to get into trouble in terms? in terms of more than just kicking. Like, could a baby ever, like, crawl up and start playing, you know, behind your face or, you know, sticking a hand or a leg outside and grabbing at things?

Or maybe playing with one of your organs, like a liver, or do they ever move around inside? You've had two inside. Did it ever travel? Did your kid ever travel around inside, in your body, in your womb? Next question. It didn't crawl around? I'll pass. You don't know?

How do you know I didn't have a surrogate? What's that? It's when another person carries your babies. Oh. How dare you? How dare you? Is it possible, though? Can they move around?

I'm going to send you a book that I have for my five-year-old called Where Do Babies Come From? Right. I know where they are. to answer your question it's a ridiculous question right but yes they can reach outside of your body come on and text really you know how your butt can dial yeah i accidentally called a friend of mine that i hadn't talked to in a really long time she's like did you call me and i was like no my unborn baby called you i fetus dialed you i'm so sorry wow so you like left the phone on like a coffee table And they just like, beep pop, boop, beep, pop, you know, they just, like, play with it.

Their little fingers. Now I just have a code because it's like, I can't risk that anymore. It's embarrassing. Imagine the baby trying to put a thumbprint on that thing. Their whole thumb would go on it. You're so tiny. I don't think it was the thumb. I think she just used, like, the umbilical cord, you know?

Oh, bacon. Yeah. Bacon is right. Wow. Okay, good. Have you ever seen an umbilical cord up close in person? Yeah, I used to have one. Like hanging in your closet?

I have it hanging on my, you know, people have fuzzy dice hanging in their hot rod. I've got my umbilical cord. It looks like a pork rind. Yeah, yeah, that's about right. Why, have you seen one up close? Yeah. And where's yours? They're amazing.

Well, I was born in Russia, so they take those away immediately. Oh, bummer. Yeah, they're so mean there. I figure, you know, on Venice Beach, they have those stands where people sell stuff. Yeah. You ever see people that have the necklace and it's like a whale fang or a shark tooth? Yeah. Fuck those sharks. Put a fucking umbilical bacon, you know, the umbilical chunk. Yeah. Because babies get that piece that hangs in their stomach. It looks like a little old spinach. Yeah. It looks like a, like some,

some kelp washed up on their tummy. Like it's like it's a little. How do you know so much? I had one. No. I was a baby. Yeah, I used to be a baby. I was a baby. Yeah, for Reels. Yeah, but. But. Like, no, I was like, no, actually you sold me when you did that. I was a baby once. You sold me.

Yeah. Yeah. If you wouldn't have done that, I wouldn't have believed you. Yeah, I kicked ass as a baby. Did you? Yeah. Oh, man. I used to fall down the stairs.

When I was three months, I used to fall down the stairs from top to bottom. We had 34 stairs just to fuck with my mother. She'd scream and get and I'd lay there. I'd make my tongue come out of my mouth, my eyes rolling in my head foam. And then she'd fucking go nuts. And then I'd just be like, wow, I'm fucking with you. Yeah. You know.

You got her, though, right? I got her, like, all the time. Oh, my gosh. Her face. Did you get it on camera? Her face must have been hilarious. We didn't have cameras. My baby.

My baby. Oh, my God. Yeah, did I nail it? You nailed it. Here's a quickie. This is just a yes or no answer. Yes or no. Yes.

If you cut off, oh, you already know it? Already. Yes. You might change it, though. Listen, if you cut off one of Rosie O'Donnell's legs and hit a whale in the head with it, would it kill the whale? Yes or no? Oh, God. This is math.

Yeah, this is yes or no. I'm terrible at math, though. Would it kill the whale if you whacked it in the head with one of Rosie's legs? Oh, I mean, oh, God. Can I phone a friend? No. Oh, God, it could go either way. I'm going to say,

no yeah you're right oh yes ding ding ding ding ding um for the record what yeah i really like rosy o'Donnell who doesn't why do you think i brought her into the podcast you gotta i want to keep just for the record just for the record okay you said record you're just aged yourself um for the sauna what's the uh funniest sex moment you've ever had like you're engaged in some kind of sexual frolic And, you know, it doesn't, probably doesn't happen a lot, but if something funny ever happened in the middle of it, like something that made you laugh or your partner laugh at the same time, like just something odd, silly, funny. Right now, I was probably the funniest. What, right now? Yeah.

How do you mean? Like, you feel like we're having sex? And I've been laughing and, and, uh. Like, like a mind fuck type thing? Yeah. Yes. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have bad?

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Does that count? Well, was it funny? Like, was there an out-loud laugh? What I'm looking for is because it's rare. It's rare during sex because it's a passionate, intimate thing. Not with me. No, you just... I have had on more than one occasion my husband to ask me to stop cracking jokes.

Okay, that's you cracking jokes, but... All the time. Have you ever laughed? What was funny during sex? Was there something... Maybe a guy slipped? Maybe he said something. Maybe had an expert...

Was there ever a moment that was funny and bad? I don't know. Once... What was it? Now, can I have laughed about it later or I had a laugh in that moment? You know, whatever you want. Okay, I'm going to tell you what I laughed about later. Okay.

Once, it was so bad. Yeah. It was so bad. I'm laughing already. It was just. Like motel six bad. Terrible. Yeah.

The worst. Okay. And I was trying to kind of get it over with. Yeah. You know how women do. well I don't but other guys do yeah by crying by crying yeah oh you did a cryer no no I did the opposite I was like yay I'm done you know one of those yeah and wouldn't he would it was like no he was he could tell he knew you were

bullshit he knew I was speaking so then I was like oh okay all right you got me so then I was like I did it again like a couple minutes later yay that's how I You actually cheered? Yeah, I tell my partners by clapping. Yay! And he knew I was faking twice in a row. And I was like, but guess what? It's never going to happen the real way.

So accept the fake. You got to. You got to just accept it. It's like, don't, it's like you go to a pawn shop and expect the real thing. It's like, no, this is a fake. It's like you go to China and be like, is this a real Louis Vuitton? No, this is called Mui Sipon. And I just

And in that moment I wasn't laughing Because I didn't want to You didn't want to hurt them more Than you already were But once we were done And I got my money And left

Yeah your cash Straight up cash Smart Sheckles It was in Sheckles But I The next day I could not stop laughing

Now what was it Was it the look on his face That made you laugh Or just that you had pulled that stunt off on it. It was every, all of it. The fact that he caught me twice. Yeah, yeah. He busted you. He basically told me that you just fake that. Wow. And I was like, ah, you got me. And then I did it again a couple minutes later. Wow. See, here's where I'm a bit mystified though. Yeah. So you work your way up to

orgasm. Sure. You fake it. But it's a fake orgasm. Right. Like fake cheese. So it's a right. So you clearly didn't enjoy getting there. He clearly saw that it was fake. But then you took the time to do it all again? Because I wanted to wrap. I gave him the light, you know? Yeah, you want to wrap him up. I'm like, wrap it up. You got two minutes.

But wasn't the first fake orgasm, the wrapping up? Yes. So why go back in time, Michael J. Fox? Why would you do it again? Well, he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to let's, no, let's really do this. You know what I mean? Like he was like, no, you fake it.

Let's focus here. Yeah, exactly. Let's ride again, Pinto. There's no focusing. There's no focusing. But why did you let it? Why did you like play his game? I don't know.

I was 20. I didn't know what I was doing. I did what my thing once one time. I popped and dropped in the middle of it. What's pop and drop? I popped a fart. Oh. But it wasn't an accident.

I schemed it like I was, we were in the middle of it and it was intense and I could feel it building up. And I knew I could either just hold on to it, silent it, and just move on. But I thought, you know what? I'm going to, like, crack some thunder here on purpose. Okay. Why did I do that? And we both stopped.

Everything froze. And we just busted up laughing our heads off. And what did that guy say? Come on. Timber. Come on. No, okay. What did she?

I'm going to say she laughed. She laughed. Her eyes just stopped. It's like almost like when you're driving and you see an. animal in the middle of the it was like and she was like what the

and we just stared at each other and I knew in my head that I'd planned it but she just looked and then we just like there's that three second silent and then we both

just busted up laughing yeah that's great and then ever since she's faked it like ever since because of that and now you have to fake your toots

to kind of make it to make it magical again you just called me toots I like that let's Let's shift gears. This one's a little serious here because I always like that, you know, I like to.

These have all been serious. They've all been pretty serious. This one kind of, do you have a fear of dying? Like, do you think about it? Like some people obsess about when they're going to die or do they think about the moment. Is that something that's in your head or do you just let it roll? You know, it's a great question. You know, you can tell by my face that I am a Hebrew.

So you should know the answer already. Next question. Your body, too. It's a real he body. I'm a Jew. Me too. No, you're not. Who's your rabbi? No, you're not. I am, Rabbi Pappenheim, over on Melrose.

Pappenheim? All you can Jew for 99. What? No way, who's your guy? My, um, uh... See, you're not a Jew. I don't go to a rabbi. First thing you know is who your rabbi is, player.

Okay, I'm a real Jew because I don't have a rabbi. What do you got? Just Judaism inside of me. And so with that comes along the natural anxiety, fear, constant worrying about death. That's part of our, you know, Baruchatah, deny, am I going to die today? Why is that? Why is that like Jewish trait? Jews have been killed.

There you go. Yeah. A lot. A lot. A lot. And you know they've done studies that say through your ancestors' DNA, you can experience their anxieties. Whoa, that's a lot.

It's a lot. Because the Jews, as we know, didn't just die. They died. A lot of them died so horribly. Oh. Bad news. Bad news bears. That's an interesting answer.

I didn't expect to get it. That's why I asked it because death is such an interesting element for everybody. And that's a interesting answer. For me, I'm not scared about, I know that sounds so stupid. I'm not scared. Like, you know, what? It's going to happen. It's going to happen, right, for everybody.

All of us. I just feel really bad for the people left behind. That's all. I just, you know, you don't want other people to suffer. This goes back to me playing sports. You understand, right? It's all connected. Like, I don't want other people to suffer.

I don't want anyone else to be sad. Like, for me, I'm like, okay, if it happens, it happens. Hopefully I don't, you know, it's not torturous. But I don't want the people left behind. That just breaks my heart, you know? That's like it sounds like a little bit of guilt, which is. often a trade associated with the Jewish people, too. The guilt thing.

I've never heard of that. Oh, that's weird. I'm going to give it to the Jews right now because that's what I observe. You're not really Jewish. Well, now I'm feeling a little offended, but I'll take it up with Rabbi Pappenheim. Well, Pappenheim, there's no way that's a real person, first of all, unless it's a Canadian rabbi. Maybe if I do a Jewish, you will

see that, you know, he is real. And I met them yesterday at the food court at the vegetable splitzers. You sound like a Jew on PCP. Oh, wow. Like an old Jew. You know why I wouldn't be afraid to die if I was Jewish? Why? I would wear a star of David, which I believe because you, a lot of Jewish people, as you said, are afraid of death.

I believe the star of David to secretly be a ninja star and you use it. You hang it on your neck. If there's an attack, you just pull off, bong, take people out. Was I right? 100% that's how it was that's how it first came about wow so jews are we're ninjas originally jews are the original ninjas but then you gave it up to be like guilty yeah and real estate agents and dentists so you went from ninjas to real estate agents yeah wow i know it's a weird it's a weird flow chart it's a weird flow chart do you like scaling down buildings yes or no

follow the yes do you enjoy wearing all black have you noticed a lot of the Hasid's. It's all connected. It's all connected. Do you enjoy wearing all black? Yes or no? Yes. You follow the arrow, the flow chart.

Do you enjoy like sneaking up on people? Yes. Jews are sneaky. They are, yeah. It's all connected. You're right. I never knew this. I mean, we're all one if you think about it.

Yeah. We're all just one. I take one a day vitamins. Does that mean I'm eating people? Are they made of people? Probably. Look, the, okay, your cells that make up you, Harland, am I saying that correctly? Sort of, but yeah, I like it.

I like the inflection. It's mocking but friendly at the same time. No, it's, again, English is my second language, so you'll excuse me. No way. Yes. Holy crab dip. Your cells, what make up you, your body, your skin, your bones, same thing that makes up this table.

No, those are molecules. Molecules. Same one, same thing. Oh, there's molecules and cells are exactly the same. It's all just the same. It's all the same matter. I'd like to call you on my cells. Is that doable?

Can I... Do you have Verizon? Can I FaceTime you on my cells? What do you have? I mean, if you have a Sprint or Verizon. I've got cells. I mean, what kind of plan? I don't know.

I don't know what your rollover minutes are. I'm not going to get personal. Well, maybe I have the vegetables, pretzels plan. All right. What's that? We are... I got a quick question, and then we're going to play our game too soon or not too soon to end out our program here today. I'm double parked, so...

Okay, we're going to ramp it up right now. As a comedian and a great comedian, as someone that's around the comedy scene, working with other comedians... TBD, TBD. What is another comedian's one of your favorite, like Joe? that you've heard can you can you tell the joke of like one of your funniest jokes maybe you're at a festival or at another comedy club or whatever and you saw someone do a joke and you're on oh god that i love that joke or you wished you had written it or you know what i mean like oh my god there are a million is there one that pops out that that's just like oh my gosh i mean there's one that is it it's so my life right now now. It's a Louis C.K. bit. Oh, it's a whole bit? Yeah. I mean, it's like a chunk.

Okay. But my husband and I say it to each other all the time, because it's basically about kids. Yeah. And how they just constantly want to say something to you. And you're like in the middle of doing something in his bit. And of course, I'm going to ruin it. But he's walking, let's

walking through Manhattan, I believe, in the bit. And, you know, he's dragging his kids. And he's just, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Daddy. And he's just like, oh my God, what? And he bends down and they're in the middle of Manhattan. And he goes, what, what is it, sweetheart? What is it? And then his daughter says, sometimes dogs are brown.

It's such a great joke for parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. And so my husband and I sometimes say that to each other all the time. We're like, you know, my five-year-old intro, hurry, hurry. And then my husband and I are like, oh, God, what does he want? And we look at each other. We go, well, sometimes dogs are brown.

I love it. So when a joke, I feel like when a joke becomes part of your life. Yeah. And I've actually had people, and I feel it warms my heart when this happens. People say, oh, that bit of yours, my friends and I say to each other now, or my husband and I say, or whatever, that I feel like is a success for me. That's like a double you. Yeah.

So, I don't know, that's the answer to my question. Cool, cool. Excellent answer. Did I win any points or? You know, you win an opportunity to play. the game too soon or not too soon because if that answer hadn't worked out I probably would have stopped but I get it this is how we end the show okay um and this this game's real easy you've heard the expression too soon right yes so this uh this is a game called too soon or not

too soon there's four questions and you have to decide if it's too soon or not too soon okay all right yeah here we go first question Laura Croft Tomb Raider opens a chain of gynecology clinics across America and calls them Laura Croft's Tomb Raider Clinic Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon

No No Too soon I did not I thought these were my opinion But there's a right or wrong answer Oh my goodness gracious Okay I'll try harder

Okay. Question two, you got three to go. Oh, my gosh. Donald Trump wears one of Hillary's pantsuits to a rally and sharts into them, leaving a stain that looks like Jesus crying over a dead hippopotamus infant. Too soon or not too soon? Oof, too soon. Yes. Oh, thank you. Yes, good one. Oh, my gosh, this is nerve-wracking. Question three, you're one for one. All right. Waffle house restaurants start a new promotional campaign. Anyone's check that totals exactly $12.63 gets shot in the face with a rifle they keep behind the counter. Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon. Oh, I'm sorry. It's too soon.

Okay. Fair enough. I get how this game is played. The best you can do is tie now. So we'll see. I'll tie. I'll tie. People born with bug eyes are forced to spend.

three days a week in a world-class bug-eye museum. Don't laugh at your own bits. This is unprofessional. This is very unprofessional. Is this how you do it in Canada? Yeah. Let me start this one again. You're on PCP, I can tell. Too soon or not

too soon. Okay. People with bug eyes are forced to spend three days a week in a world-class bug-eye museum. Get it together. Get it together. Get it together. Pressing their bug-eye. against glass enclosures and making children laugh.

They must also eat crickets without blanking too soon or not too soon. I feel like we're having sex right now and you just farted. I mean, obviously, too soon. Yes. Oh, thank God. I don't even know what you just said. I don't even know if you had a verb conjugated in that sentence. I don't even know what just happened.

Oh, that was good. You're tied. That's the best we can do. I get the game now. Yeah. They're all too soon. Exactly. Okay.

Damn, but it's also the way you sit. You got to go too soon. I get it now. You got two of them, though. Not bad. Kira, we want to thank you for being on the Harland Highway. Will you please tell all the people listening where they can see you, your social media, any of your upcoming project? We want people to come to your shows and get to know you and laugh with you.

I would love it. Well, people can find me at kiracomedy.com where I don't update anything. Okay. And I have a one-hour special called You Did This to Me. I shot at seven months pregnant. Wow. And did the crowdfunding for it and everything. And I gave for $20,000, if you contributed $20,000, you helped name the baby.

And we did get someone to do that. Wow. Yeah. Little Igor is a sweetheart. Igor. Was his arm hanging out? Huh? Did he text during the special? He did. He's so cute.

Wow. So it's called, you did this to me. You can find it on, you know, Amazon, iTunes, Google Play, all the places where you get your streaming videos. Good. And you have some social websites. You want people to sign up and join so they can follow you. Find me on the Facebook, Kira Soltanovich, the Twitter at Kira Comedy, the Instagram at Kira Comedy, LinkedIn, you know, wherever, whatever you want to do. Great, great. Well. And I have a podcast here at All Things Comedy. All Things Comedy, yes. What is it called? Please, we want to know. It's called The Kira Soltonovich Show.

And I talk to comedians who have kids and we talk about how they cock block our careers. Wow, intense. Very intense. And how often you do that? Every three months. Every three months. Okay. One every quarter baby.

Yeah, yeah. Well, fantastic. Thank you so much for being here today. Thanks for having me on the highway. Yeah, it was our pleasure. It was an honor, honestly. And folks, please, please. I urge you to go out and track down Kira,

find out where she's playing. You want to see her live. She's hilarious. And get your laugh on, man. Maybe you can even, can they recite some of your lines while they're having sex so they can have a laugh? I would love it.

Great. You heard it from the source, folks. Kira Soltanovich, superstar, mega power, slamaholic. That's it for us. Thank you for being here. Thank you, Kira. Thank you. No, thank you.

And a big round of applause for Kira. I hope you enjoyed our little visit with Kira. And I hope you don't mind that I laughed at some of my jokes more than she did. But, you know, sometimes I, Sometimes I make myself laugh, and then I go and to get a Vetchol. How you're going to say, pretzels, and I settle down a little bit here. But she was great. My thanks to Kira, she is so fun.

And for you premium members, guess what? Coming up in the next little bit, I also recorded with Kira an episode of my other podcast. Let's Have a Fight where Kira and I went toe to toe and did my other podcast and, man, is it fun? So that's coming up in a number of weeks. Let's have a fight with Kira and I. And if you want to hear that, you better jump on the premium membership bandwagon right now because there's going to be a lot more funny guests coming up in the future on Let's Have a Fight as well. So, uh, Kira might be a good jumping off point for you guys.

Just before we go, some quick, uh, some quick announcements. Uh, my stand-up comedy schedule is up on my website, harlorn Williams.com. September 9th, I'm going to be in, uh, in Utah, U-T-H, U-A-H, uh, Salt Lake City. and you want to come and get tickets there. I always have such an incredible time at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City. There's something about it. There's certain clubs where I just get on a roll and I have a flow, and the shows just get crazy and weird and amazing.

And Wise Guys is that place for me. I don't know why. I mean, for some reason, it just goes up a notch at that place. So get your tickets. wise guys September 9 through 10 and then the following weekend the improv in Kansas City oh yeah boys and girls Kansas City hey yep September 15th through the 18th and then two weeks after that I'm in Pittsburgh at the improv in Pittsburgh haven't been there for a while so I'm looking forward to getting back that's Friday September

30th, right through to October 2nd. And then in October, I'm in Minnesota. I'm in San Jose. Then I'm going up to Irvine, California, then Denver, Colorado, then San Diego, then Columbus, Ohio, or Cleveland, I should say. And I'm going to Oxnard. They have a new comedy club in Oxnard. It'll be there in December.

what a fall it's going to be so i go to harlowe williams dot com click on my comedy tour link and find out there's there's links there you can buy your tickets now if you want to uh also while you're there check out our store we have all kinds of great merchandise we can ship out to you fun t-shirts DVDs movies books all kinds of stuff kids books have you ever seen my kids books check them out digital downloads oh my gosh um also please uh get our app it's free you can get our app what's cheaper than free go to your uh your app store on your cell phone and type in the harland highway get the uh the podcast for free the latest 50 episodes are free and for $20 a year, not a month a year, you can get all 800 episodes, plus the Let's Have a Fight

podcast, plus premium membership, plus, oh, all this good stuff. So check it out, gang. I appreciate it. And that's it for today. Hope you had a good time with our special guest, Kira. And let's wrap it up. Let's close the giggle box. And we'll catch you next time. And until then, Guess what? Chicken, a chow, a main, baby. No, too soon. Oh, I did not. I thought these were my opinion, but there's a right or wrong answer.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Okay, I'll try harder. I'll try harder.