The Harland Highway - 793 - AUNT RUTHY AND LIVE STAND UP SPECIAL

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

On this episode Harland gives listeners a small FREE SAMPLE of PREMIUM CONTENT to entice listeners to join the PREMIUM MEMBERSHIP. Live stand up comedy recorded on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood and Aunt Ruthy reads Curious George to Harland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, have a banana. Yes, have a banana. How are you, Lirtle Nargerns and Flaugdolblogdens? Welcome to the Harland Highway. It is I, Harland Williams. And today, a very special show, because we're going to let all you pavement pounders have a little tiny taste of what it's like to be a premium member.

Now, we've been doing the premium membership for maybe just about a year now, maybe a little shorter, maybe a little longer, and people are loving being premium members. And a lot of you are probably on the fence. And a lot of you are probably like, I don't understand what the hell is a premium member, man? Like, is that like premium gasoline or what? No, a premium member gets special, special content, content that the rest of you do. don't get to hear. And so today, in order to let some of you inside of what the premium content sounds like, I am going to play a couple of segments that the premium members have already heard a long time ago. This is the stuff that you've been missing out on. So I'll

explain more on the other side of our theme song. Let's go. Let's get premium. This is the Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck.

Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. It is fantastic.

What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man.

You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, so first of all, premium members, the people that are already premium members, please don't get upset, don't get mad, don't feel like you're being cheated. As you know, I put up a lot of people. premium content for you guys. But there's people that just will never go in and listen to it. There's people that will never spend the huge amount of $20 to join premium membership. And to clear up any confusion, what we're going to do today is play some premium content,

just two segments out of many, many, many. So again, premium members, please don't be upset because this is the only real way I can get other people to join the premium membership is by playing them a little sample. So let's say I put up 40 premium segments. They're going to get two today. One's that you've all, you had the,

you were privy to hearing way before anyone else. So I don't want you to feel you're getting ripped off like, hey man, I paid premium. Why are these people getting it for free? Well,

they're getting it for free because I want to get more people onto the premium boat. And it's only two little segments. So I hope. I hope you understand where I'm coming from and you're cool and you don't feel ripped off in any way. They're getting 1% of what you guys get. And I'll probably do it again way down the road just as a little teaser.

This is like a teaser. So all you got pavement pounders that haven't joined our premium content, $20 a year. It gets you all kinds of extra stuff with the characters. It gets you extra stuff, special shows that I do. It gets you a live stand-up comedy that I do. And so on today's very special episode, and I hope all of you line up and join the premium membership, which you can do by going to harloweems.com

and go on the Harland Highway app and join, or go to your cell phone and just type in the Harland Highway on your app store. and it's very easy to become a premium member and been getting great feedback. People are really loving it. So I want you to love it too and at the same time help support the podcast. So two segments today.

One is live stand-up. It's one that I did not too long ago where I pretended I was the world's only Zika comic, stand-up comedian. So this is me live at a stand-up comedy club. and then the second one is a special, special visit with me and my Aunt Ruthie. And again, this is stuff that only premium members were privy to, and I want you guys to get on board.

So have a listen. Hope you enjoy. And if you become a premium member, this is the kind of great stuff you're going to get to have. So here we go. Let it roll. Oh, hey, hey, hey, premium members. How are you?

Welcome to another premium edition of the Harland Highway, just for you. No, no, no, no, no. The other wonderful pavement pounders don't get to hear this stuff. Just you. Because you went ahead and became a premium member, and you deserve to be treated special. And so you get all this material that nobody else gets to hear. Just you.

PMs, premium members. So thank you so much, you guys, for joining up. I hope you're enjoying the premium content. As you know, when I go out and do my stand-up comedy, I like to experiment. I like to try different things. And so today's premium content is yours truly down at the world-famous laugh factory

on the sunset strip in Hollywood, California. live. Well, it's not live. I recorded this live, but it's obviously not live, because I'm talking to you. Dallow. But on this night, I decided to kind of go up on stage under the fantasy that I was the very first stand-up comedian with the Zika virus. I was the I'm the world's first Zika comedian Now I don't really have the Zika virus And I I feel bad for those that do

And this isn't to mock people with the Zika virus It was just a it was just a ridiculous point of view To go on stage You know being proud and touting That I'm the world's first Zika Comedian It's just it's so ridiculous that I thought it would be funny And so I played that up quite

a bit out of the gate. I built everyone up and kind of ran with it. And then, you know, as I went along through most of this acts improvisational, I don't know that I even did any material. I might have. I don't know if I did. I think I was up there 20 minutes. I'm not sure if I did any material at all. But I talked to the crowd. And you'll hear there's a beat in here where I I kind of figured out, well, I kind of anointed some guy that was sitting alone, that he was a serial killer, and I ran into some Asian people in the back where I talked to them about their culture. Now, keep in mind, sometimes when you listen to this stuff and you're not there, I don't

know if sometimes it sounds like mean or vicious or cruel, but it's not, believe me. The way I approach my audiences, the way I deal with them, it's all with a wink and a nod, a grin on my face and the people in the crowd know that I'm messing with them to a degree. Most of them do, but it's never malicious. It's never meant to be harmful or mean or it's just silly and fun and it's ridiculous. And if you're in the room and maybe you'll capture this listening, you will catch the tone and the mood and the feel that I set when I cast my spell over these. these victims over these these customers so so here we go let's go along for the ride please enjoy the world's first Zika stand-up comedian just for you my premium members

thanks again for joining and enjoy the show bring this guy up he's one of my favorites seriously love watching and perform you guys are going to love him start clapping right now get the energy up Larry Smith from Fresno guys, come on! Perfect, Ralph, perfect, thank you. Whoa! Hey, gang, how about a hand for the whole room? Everyone's really been trying out.

I feel like it's been a real honest, honest effort tonight, and I appreciate that. I want everyone to know the staff, the management. The management, Louise Carlson in the back. She's back there. Our sound guy, Tom Edison, he's up there. You know, if you're going to laugh at people. Carol Davidson in the kitchen back there.

We've got the, I see people have drinks. Great, great bartending staff back there. We got Eddie Montgomery and Paul McCharles. great I thought you're going to laugh with people and maybe not proud for me it's great to see everyone

this is wow this has been a whirlwind week for me as I guess most do you know have people been watching CNN who watch the CNN from the Fox and MSNBC

Maybe not the crowd for me. What a world when you look at people in the media and the spotlight and you just have no idea the firestorm that erupts when you're thrust into the spotlight the way I was this week. And I had no idea that coming out this week as the first North American comedian, and it wasn't easy, the first North American comedian with the Zika virus. And, you know, the questions that they've all been asking, you know, how did you get the Zika? You know, how do you feel? Do you have night sweats?

So you shiver, do you, you know, do you hide in a corner and shiver in your own shadow? Do you go to merry calendars and sweat into your meatloaf? Things like this. And here's how I got it. And I think we all know, we all heard of the Zika virus. we all know it's a sexually transmitted disease from mosquitoes and uh in a way i guess i blame myself gang sir if you could just pay a little more attention to my world um anyone here been to florida at all this should help try the room again have you big man i said you had your hand up right away man when

were you there my love pardon me love two weeks ago two weeks ago what one was What part of Florida were you in, my dear? Miami. That's the area. That's where it went down for me. That's where I got Zika. What were you doing down there, my love? Vacation.

Pardon? Partying, beach. Partying, and then there was a beat. Well, this is where it happened to me. The mosquito, and again, sexually transmitted disease by a mosquito, mosquito I'm on the beach late at night the air is warm it's tropical there was a full moon kid I know you must like your full moon because you know you've got that teen wolf hairdo and I'm out on the beach and as anyone here ever had sex on the beach be let's

be honest gang look I do real comedy I don't come up here and make up premises I don't Oh boy, I'm tired, I just flew, hey, you know, I do real shit, so you don't like real shit. You know, why don't you just grab your clits and fuck off? Has anyone had sex on the beach before? There's got to be someone in this room who's had sex on the beach. Have you, Manitrager, thank you. Which beach, my love? Manhattan Beach.

Miami Beach. You're just like a Samson. one. But, so, you know, you get this sexually transmitted diseases by mosquitoes, and here I am in the hotbed of Zika. I'm in Miami. I'm on a beach in the middle of the night, and I'm naked. You know, sir, you can picture that if you want. I'm naked on the beach, and I'm going to get a little graphic here, but let's not all pretend we went to hoo-ha college. okay we're all human i think everyone in this room has had sex so if i get a little graphic i just

calm down uh i was on the beach just giving her okay i mean i was on the beach i was just giving her you know just like fucking deep and delicious with can's deep and delicious I'm there on the beach and I'm fucking this mosquito. And it must have been a virgin because there was blood everywhere, right? Just blood. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer's yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better,

not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer

specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So not think a mosquito. Has anyone been bit by a mosquito this summer at all? Anybody? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you've done just about anything. Now and I won't ask the ground, I'll just come right to you. Anyone ever slammed their cock in a revolving door? Oh yes. Of course you have, ma'am. While you were getting fucked on a beach and fucking...

Man, if you would do me a favor and just look away, I don't like your eyes. You know what's kind of a dumb animal, you know, their diet is blood, okay? They don't care about blood types, they just want blood, they want to suck blood. And you think if you were a specialist in consuming blonde, you... That a red cross truck? Hold on, I know my sirens. Shh. Oh, okay.

If some guy in a truck, someone's going to, you know, throw him on a routine, he can go, you know, he can go to veggie grill, put his clit on a port-a-low mushroom. fellow mushroom sandwich and slammed up with a fucking Chinese Korean waffle iron. Fuck him, I win that round. But, you know, you think if you're a specialist in sucking blood, you'd have an idea, right? Like an anteater knows to go into a fucking ant-nest, okay? fucking ante in those, you know, there's a fucking toymite mount over there. I'm going to go lick me some fucking toy mites.

I'm a fucking anteed over here, right? See, you think a mosquito would go right for the fucking vernacular or whatever that I'm in? The jugular, is it the jugular? Think of it in a fucking juicy, like, heroin vein or something, right? With these fucking dumbass, I'm going to say it, fucking retod fucking mosquitoes, You'll just be one like on your fucking eyebrow, where there's tons of fucking bone, like right there, the little fucking thing. How does it even get in there? What do you get off me, you retard?

Are you retarded, too? I don't want to offend, and she's everything. She's a retard, too, and I don't want to offend. Great. I just noticed you're all alone, guy. We don't laugh at a lone people. We don't laugh at them because we have compassion for our fellow human beings.

We don't know this loner's story. We don't know why he's alone, why he's hurting, why his eyes are filled with pain. We don't know why he's got a brand new Home Depot shovel in the back of his car. And it's compassionate human beings, ladies and gentlemen. You know, the giggles stop at McDonald's. We, the laugh factory.

We care about our fellow human beings, and when they're alone, while the rest of us are secure and safe in a group with a companion, We reach out to our friends that have nobody. Why are you alone, guys? The what? They canceled on you. Who's they? The people that were going to show up.

The people that were going to show up. Friends? So-called friends. So-called friends. Imaginary. What's that? You can't go catfishing, right? You can't go catfishing.

No, no, we're going to grab on a lot. Because if you look in this sea of faces of people that are with someone, they can wake up in the morning and go catfishing. But you can't wake up in the morning and go catfishing. But you can't. because you have no one to untie the boat and push you out. But what you do get to do tonight that they don't is you get to enjoy murdering.

And they don't get that because there'll be witnesses, but you, alone, creeping through the blueberry bushes. There's a couple back here. I just got to point this up because I don't want to hurt anyone with my comedy. Retard, I do this for fun. This isn't about hurting. This is about having some giggles. I don't know if you saw the sign.

This isn't the Cheesecake Factory game. This is the LaGythe Factory. Now, earlier I made a reference, and it might have been cold, it might have been in sensitive for me to throw it out there, but I believe I said a Chinese-Korean waffle iron. It was a throwaway. I didn't think it would hurt anybody. I didn't think it would hit anybody right here. But then, with my perceptive eyes, some say I have the night vision of an owl. I don't say others do. I look towards the back of the room, and I see two Asian friends. One looks Chinese and one looks Korean.

And I have to ask you two, do you have a waffle iron? No. No. No. We don't make wafel iron. You what? Koreans don't make wafel iron. Koreans don't. I was talking to the Chinese ladies.

So you're Korean, my friend. I'm definitely Korean. You're definitely Korean. Did you think I was going to run down in DNA or something? Now I know Korean people have beautiful, exotic names. Most of us have boring run-of-the-mill names. David. Larry, Karen, Barbara.

But this fucking Waffle Iron Wingnut, this guy's gonna have one of the most flowery, beautiful, exotic names you've ever heard. In fact, some of you are probably gonna shark when you hear it. Now, sir, no bullshit, I want to hear your full name. full name, first and last, go. And when I say go, I mean, that's probably your first name, isn't it? What's your name, Guy? Give it to me.

Work with me, Guy. Work with me. It's Songwu. Was that right? Yeah. It's Songwu. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen. to take advantage of the beauty of that name, the exotic sensibility of that name. Tonight, I want all of you when you're achieving, when you orgasm.

I don't want you to moan or yell up our Lord's name. I want you to go, ah, ah, chung-woo. Ma'am, are you Chinese, my love? Me? No, the lady beside my Korean friend, Chung Wu. What, ma'am? Philippino. Philippino.

Same thing. Now, ma'am, I know you have a beautiful, exotic name with a hidden meaning to it. Many of these Asian names have a meaning like, Chung Wu probably means god of fire, or twilight. or dragon with ginger vitus, something. Am I right laying chunk? Now, man, your name, ready, go. Maria?

Maria. So you're Mexican, Puerto Rican? Maria what, ma'am? Sanchez. Sanchez. Can I say two words? Can I say two words? Ma'am, have your permission to say two words?

Ancestry.com I'm a Filipino, she's Filipino. I'm a little Vietnamese schoolboy, huh? So if you could take your hand off your mouth, your mouth that makes me think you're a spitting cobra from the jungles of the Borneo forest and you put to inject venom into my face and if you give me a hard time my friend will kill you well now I didn't expect you to cheers that now I think we just fucking peeled back the onion right there right there great crowd real

sexual energy here to know. Just sexual energy here to know. Ma'am, you have a very, very cheery disposition. Your name, my love, and then I got a pop right into my routine, gang. Ma'am, your name, love? Stephanie. Beautiful name, huh? Shall we? You like that?

Chabaca, did you hear me? Stephanie, what do you do, my love? Let's get through this gang and then we're gonna pop right into my routine. Let's have some summer fun. What do you do, love? I'm going into my senior year. You're going into your senior year. Here we go, whereabouts, love?

You see Santa Barbara? Do you see Santa Barbara? No, I don't, because I'm surrounded by walls. Do you see fucking Santa Barbara? Like a fucking X-ray vision with this national. Stephanie, gang, here we go, okay? Okay, here we go. What are you studying at USC, ma'am? Let's see, ma'am. Here we go.

What are you studying stuff first? Huh? Film. Holy shit. That'll be nice getting hold of people's dirty teeth. You can not scratch your chin. How are you, ma'am? You're having fun?

Let me ask you this. You ever put a cheerio in your asshole and whistle a Rihanna song? song? You will, you will. You will. Get a little, you will. Get a load a whistle and will you are here.

Well, you can maybe not waitress in the middle of my routine. I don't have to make a living, but, you know, sometimes when a waitress approaches in the middle of my summer concert series, I'm actually going to lie. I like this guy right here. I'm going to call you Cool and Luke, because you got the cool. I look around this room full of nerds and losers. What I see is a cool guy right here.

Give me your name guy and then we're going to jump right into my app here. Eric. What is it? Eric. Here we go, gang. Here we go. Let's lay down some pipe. What do you do, what do you do, Guy?

You work for the government. Holy shit, everyone's a little tense right now. Everyone's a little mad at the government. We got two incredibly opposed presidential candidates right now. Can I just take a little, before we get into your life, can I take a little, who's going through the trumper? Who's trumping it up? Now, one person in here is for Trump. We wouldn't be honest about that.

What's that, ma'am? What's that, beach fucker? I can't believe no. One person is going for Trump. There we go. See, now, I know there's other people, and this is the sad state of American politics. We're in the land of the free.

America, the land of the free, and no one in the free. this room felt free enough to say what they wanted to vote for. That's sad. So I have to assume everyone else is voting for cancels. Okay, have you seen the fucking beef patties of fucking people? Shouldn't she be on a riverbed in Colorado stopping dinosaur footprints in the mud? Now I see I got the light and it looks like I don't have time to pop into my eye. Oh.

Well. Well, there you go. The technology and my recording device just fizzled out there right at the end. But luckily I was just, it was on my last words. I was about to say good night to the crowd so you didn't get to hear my final goodbye. But as you can hear, I did get to one joke in my act right at the end. The Canckel's joke about Hillary Clinton is a real joke from my act. So I guess the whole rest of that whole set was just made up on the spot.

And I guess the thing I like about doing that, not only, you know, it feels like the crowd likes it, but I just don't know what the hell is going to come out of my mouth. And, you know, I have to listen to these back. just to make sure that there's no technical glitches or anything like that. And I hate to sound like a jack-wound, but I was actually laughing myself listening to this. There was some, I don't know, that's the fun of comedy. And that's the joy of what I do. I get to laugh with people.

I get to laugh at myself. I hope I make you guys laugh. And that was a fun night with the world's first Zika comic, serial killer in the the crowd. My Asian friends, we had a woman who liked to have sex on a beach. We had a woman that went to UC San Diego and I convinced her that I could not see San Diego and so on and so on. So I hope you guys enjoyed that. It is an honor, a pleasure to supply this material just for you guys, my premium members. Please tell your friends to jump on board. And I sincerely thank you once again for making the effort to support the show and support the podcast and all that

fancy stuff. So there you go. Until the next one, gang, keep it real in the deal. And we'll hit you up soon with more premium content. Until then, you know the drill. Chicken. Chowmaine, baby. So there you go, my regular pavement pounders.

There's a little taste of what premium members get, you know, two, three, four times a month. I try to drop that kind of stuff into the premium membership. And now here's another little sample. And this is the last one you're getting because I don't want to give too much away and I don't want my premium members to get pissed off. You're going to get one more clip. This is a visit with me and Aunt Ruthie, and then after you've heard these two, I urge you to go into the App Store, join the Harland Highway app,

join the premium membership $20 a year for all this extra stuff. And I hope it's making you laugh. And I hope you feel it's worth it because I think the people that have joined have been really excited about it and really think it's worth it. So I want you to enjoy it as well. So here you go. Here's me with a very twisted, as it always is, visit with my Aunt Ruthie. Hey, hey, hey, premium members.

How are you? Happy New Year premium members. So glad to have you here. Thanks for being premium members. And as you know, being premium members, you get special treatment. You get special material that no one else gets to hear. except for you premium members. And this is a wonderful heartwarming segment where, as you know,

my Aunt Ruthie calls into the show a lot. And I never talk to her. She always leaves me these long-winded phone messages. She always seems to get into trouble. And so I thought I better finally call her back and just check in. And lo and behold, it turns out, it just is so heartwarming. When I was a little boy, she used to read me curious George book. and I got on the phone and she got sentimental

and asked if she could read some curious George to me and you know hopefully it's it's it's going to be nice but I always worry about Aunt Ruthie she's a little bit off so she did leave me that message that she wanted to read me some curious George let's let's get to her phone call and Roger can you hook her in okay roger is dialing her number right now and uh premium members i hope you enjoy this phone call

between me and my wonderful aunt ruthy up in brooklyn new york okay she's she's on okay roger's signaling me she's on the line let's uh let's pick it up uh hello aunt ruthie how are you oh hello little angel listen to your voice you sound like an angel playing a harp and a middle of a cloud full of dandelions and the lemonade. Okay, well, how's Uncle Harry Aunt Ruthie? Oh, Uncle Harry's good. He's having his afternoon nap, little angel. He's laying down.

He's resting his psoriasis scabs. He has four or five of them all up and down his legs. He looks like some kind of, almost like a couple of giraffes walking side by side when he wears shorts. What do you mean, Aunt Ruthie? Well, he's got these goddamn psoriasis scabs all up and down his legs, and, you know, he spotted like a fucking giraffe or a leopard or something. I mean, when he walks around the house, it looks like a couple of giraffe necks crawling around the floor. I mean, it actually makes me feel sick. Oh, my God. Has he got his ointment?

Well, I put some oatmeal on his legs. Uncle Harry says he, the oatmeal takes away the itching from his psorias, little angel. Have you ever put oatmeal on your legs, little angel? Ah, no, Aunt Ruthie, I haven't. Well, if you ever get these big red psoriases scabs with the dry skin and the flaking and the posse, try putting some fresh oatmeal on. Okay, Aunt Ruthie, I get it, I get it. Oh, you're such a sweetheart.

How's everything down in the Hollywood? You're making the movies and the televisions. Angel? Well, you know, right now I'm getting ready to do a comedy tour. Oh, that's so funny. Oh, you like my... No, I'm just, I say it's funny because your uncle Harry and I, we never found you that funny, and I guess I find it funny that you're actually, do you making money doing this, are your little angel? Uh, yes, Sam Ruthie, I actually make a living at telling jokes and being funny. Okay, I can't tell

if you're joking with Aunt Ruthie right now because I find it hard to believe that someone is boring as fucking... Aunt Ruthie, if we could just get on with it, you said you wanted to Oh, that's right. Listen, Angel, when you were a little boy, do you remember

when your mother had to go to the, you know, to the clinic? Well, yes. And, you know, she'd go for a few weeks of the time, sometimes maybe a couple of months at a time. put her in that funny little room. Yes, yes, Sam Ruthie.

And you'd have to stay with me and Uncle Harry and I would remember, I would put you on my lap and I would read you the book about the little hairy monkey who got into all kinds of mischief and whatnot.

Yeah, I remember Curious George. It was my favorite little book. And you know, well, Angel, I almost well up with tears when I think about the time we spent together you with your little mop top and your freckles and your diaper sticking out from under your pants. Well, okay.

And I was wondering, a little angel, I missed those times together, where we sat together, just you and your Aunt Ruthie. Well, I remember them sort of Aunt Ruthie. And I was wondering if, you know, if maybe possibly I could just, you know, well, we're on the phone, I could read you one of the curious George stories with that little hairy fucking The ape. Well, I think he's a monkey, Aunt Ruthie. Whatever.

He looks, to be honest, he looks Armenian. To me, I've never seen so much hair. Aunt Ruthie, now let's... Would you mind, little angel? Would you mind if I just read to the story of Curious George? Just one of them real quickly. We'd do Aunt Ruthie's heart a world of good. Well, that's a little awkward.

but... Oh, don't be so shy, little angel. Come on, you little fuck. Aunt Ruthie! Come on, let Aunt Ruthie read to you, Curious George. I mean, look at this hairy little fuck. He looks like a baby Robin Williams. He's got so much hair all over.

Okay, Aunt Ruthie, yes. Go ahead, and then I've got to get going. I've got things to do. I understand your Hollywood heart shot, little angel. Okay, here we go. Curious George. And I'll read you this story, and then I'll tell you what the picture says. You mean what the picture looks like?

Whatever. Excuse you. No, I mean... Can I read, please, little angel? Yes, yes, Aunt Ruthie. Go ahead. Okay, here we go. This is George. He lived in Africa. He was a good little monkey and always very curious.

And on the picture, he's swinging around on a tree. Eating a banana. But, you know, if you ask me, it looks like he's sucking a yellow cork, if you ask me. Aunt Ruthie. I'm just saying it's a very phallic image, and the monkey's got this fucking naughty grin on his face. Like, he just came from like a monkey gay bar or something.

Aunt Ruthie, can we? Okay, let's keep going. One day, George saw a man. He had on a large yellow straw hat. The man saw George, too. What a nice little monkey, he thought. I would like to take him home with me. Hello, can we get an amber alert in the African jungle?

This fucking purve wants to take the hairy little boy. Aunt Ruthie! Well, I'm just saying, I mean, I find it a little queer that, you know, a guy, first of all, who has a yellow hat around? What is he a beekeeper or something? I mean, this guy's wandering around in the woods. Look at the hairy little monkeys. If we could just keep going, Aunt Ruthie.

Okay, here we go. He put his hat on the ground. And, of course, George was curious. He came down from the tree to look at the large yellow hat. And then there's a picture here, and it's all. Have you ever seen that show, Little Angel? You've been in Hollywood. You've probably been on it.

To catch a predator? Have you ever seen that show, Little Angel? there's a picture of this guy and he's not only is his hat yellow he's wearing like a yellow jumpsuit and yellow shorts and he's looking up at the tree the little hairy bastard

and then it's almost like he puts his hat out like it's a trap just waiting he's hiding behind the tree waiting for this little fucking hairy Armenian monkey that Aunt Ruthie and the monkeys aren't Armenian I know Angel I'm just saying because the hair

they're both very hairy Well, that's a little rude. Can I finish here? Go ahead, Aunt Ruthie. The hat had it been on the man's head. George thought it would be nice to have it on his own head. He picked it up and put it on. Now, do you see that?

They used the word head twice. And that got me thinking, maybe this pervert with the yellow hat wants to give the monkeys in the head. He wants to take the little monkey penis, put it in his mouth, and roll the tip of it around on his top. Ruthie! Can you not... Can you just stick to what's written on the page?

Well, I mean, you don't have to yell it to Ruthie. I'm just trying to read you a story, Holland. Okay, go ahead, please. The head covered George's head. He couldn't see. The man picked him up quick and popped him into a bag. George was caught. Oh, my God.

What is this? It's almost like sex trafficking with a head. hairy little. It's not sex trafficking. Well, there's a picture here. He's got his hat over the monkey and then he's got him tied in a bull up bag, Holland. He remember when you were a little

boy and your uncle Harry brought home a whole sack of potatoes in a bullap bag? He remember that and he cut them open and they all dropped out on the driveway and you thought your uncle Harry had done some dinosaur shit. Remember you love dinosaurs

when you were little boy? And you saw like 78 potatoes bouncing around on the driveway. And you thought you were, you said, in your cute little voice, you said, Uncle Harry do Tyrannosaurus shit. Remember that? And then Uncle Harry pulled you by your ears and slapped your ass to like glowed pink like Rudolph's nose. Yes, I sort of remember that. Are we near the end here?

Well, you don't have to get snappy, Arland. can you keep reading please aunt ruthie the man with the big yellow hat put george into a little boat and a sailor rode them both across the water to a big ship george was sad but he was still a little curious and oh my god in this picture we got a sailor in a rowboat and the pervert and the yellow has his arm around the little monkey as they sit in the back oh my god this is like a child abduction here

Unbelievable, Holland. Aunt Ruthie, it's not a child. It's a monkey. It's a monkey. Can you feel? Hold on, Holland. Hang on. Oh, my God.

Your Uncle Harry's starting to wake up. Did you hear him coughing? Yes, I think I heard that. Oh, my God. Did you hear the flem in his throat? Oh, God. I've got to go run upstairs to the medicine cabinet and get the mucinix.

If I don't give him a mucinix, and I swear to God, green fucking mucus dribbles out of his throat and, like, forms lily pads on the floor around the house. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the mucus coming out of your uncle Harry. If I don't give him a mucinax, he drools, he coughs up big splats of green flem and it looks like goddamn lily pads all over the house. It's undidthra.

Oh, God, there we go. I got to go, Holland. So you're not going to finish the story? I don't have time. Your Uncle Harry comes first, but it was so nice talking to you. I'll call you back, Little Angel, and finish the story soon, okay? Oh, my God. Oh, there goes a lily pad right on my...

Oh, right on the fucking hardwood floor. Disgusting. Okay, M. Ruthie, I'll let you go. We can finish the story another day. Thank you, Little Angel. Angel, Aunt Ruthie, loves you. Goodbye, little angel. Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's lily pads everywhere. Mucous lily pads. Oh, my God. Aunt Ruthie, you better go. Oh, God. Oh, boy.

Okay, so there you go. My Aunt Ruthie calling in and reading Curious George to me. and now I feel a little traumatized. Does she gone, Roger? All right, good. I mean, not good, but wow. Pretty disturbing and odd. I guess she's probably going to want to call back at some point and finish the story.

Unfortunately, I hate to say it, we got distracted by Uncle Harry's mucous lily pads, but so there you go, premium members. I hope you enjoyed this special moment, this special phone call between me and my Aunt Ruthie and the reading of Curious George. Once again, thanks for being a premium member. Tell your friends to get on board so they can enjoy this craziness as well.

And until the next premium member shout-out, chicken chow main, baby. So there you go. That's not the real chicken chow main. That's the recorded chicken chow main. So I hope you enjoyed that little peek inside the premium world. Please jump on and join, become part of the premium membership, and have the laughs that everyone else who's already joined is having. Thank you, my premium members that exist. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for letting me let our regular pavement pounders have a little taste sample of what they're missing out on. and thanks to all. And now here it comes. This is the official chicken chowmaine.

And we're back to our regular show, the next podcast. Thanks, everyone. Chicken chow main, baby.