The Harland Highway - 796 - BBQ Eddy returns. Harland is a THIEF. Death by music!

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

BBQ Eddy calls all over the country to try and find a BBQ. Harland steals and is so guilty he needs to confess. A strange, musical way to die! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, good news, everybody, good news. Guess who's on the podcast today? Barbecue Eddie is back. Oh, yeah, just in time, just before summer snuck out the back door into fall and winter. Barbecue Eddie is on the show today trying to get his grill happening, man. Good times with barbecue Eddie. Also, yours truly, who I know you think of as an angel. I know you think I'm a little innocent angel

but I did some stealing and I'm going to confess I'm going to confess to my crimes on this podcast yeah this is going to be heavy this is going to be dramatic how many of you have confessed your sins out in the open the way I'm about to not many so stick around for that

also a crazy new story today oh my God some guy was killed by the most unimaginable method and apparatus you could ever think of. It's almost hard to believe it's so twisted. You'll want to hear how this guy met his demise tragically in the Harland Highway crazy news story. It's so sad. It's almost funny.

But that's what we do here. We look for the funny and everything, because this is the Harlan. Highway Where am I What is this Some kind of a joke Or something

Welcome to the Harland Highway What are you talking about words Son, you got a panty on your head Shut up and sit down You big ball fuck Oh God, what's happening here What's happened

Hey Harland, it's Shelby You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway We choose to go to the moon In this decade and do the other thing Not because they are easy But because they are hard That is found out

That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man.

You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. My client should go right to fucking jail. The son of our bricks is guilty. Oh my God, the shame, the shame. It's true. It's true, ladies and gentlemen, okay? That man that is guilty as me. And it might be you, too. You might be just as guilty as I am. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I got you. Have you ever done this? And I just did it, and I'm fessing up because I'm so riddled with guilt. I just did it earlier today. and I can't live with myself

so this is kind of like a confession here on the Harland Highway it's like going to confession at church I need to cleanse my soul I need to get rid of my guilt have you ever gone into a restaurant or a fast food place and taken something

I don't know if it's stealing but taken something like here's Here's where I'm guilty. And here's why I have to do this segment and I have to cleanse my soul before I get to the pearly gates and try to redeem myself in front of God and the devil. I went to Chipotle today, you know, the fast food Mexican place. And I got myself a little burrito bowl to go. And I went and filled up my drink with Coke, my cup with Coke. and then I went to grab a plastic fork

to eat my burrito bowl and somewhere in my head I went oh wait a minute I'm having a little barbecue at the house tomorrow I'm having a little get together I might need some extra plastic forks and instead of taking one plastic fork I took three plastic fork

And I feel so bad about it. Why did I do it? Why would I do something like that? But the forks are out there free. They're in a little bowl. There's hundreds of little plastic forks. But Chipoli makes good ones. They're sturdy.

They're thick. They're not like the flimsy, like white plastic ones that you ever get a plastic fork, one of the cheap white ones, and they're so thin. They snap in half in your macron. macaroni and cheese where you put them in something that's too hot and they literally melt and curl up

not the Chipoli plastic forks man they're thick they're sturdy they're hardy they're worth stealing black man there is a slime he is a slime if he's allowed to go free then something really wrong

is going on when you are out of water You're out of order. I took my order. I took my order from Chipoli, and when it came time to go and get a fork and put it in the bag, I put three. Oh, I mean, and the other thing I feel guilty, but I'm so cheap. Why would I do that? Normally, I'm not cheap like that.

Normally, I don't think like that. Normally I don't go, well, you know, if I grab a couple of forks here, I don't have to go to the grocery store and pay for some plastic forks. Oh my loving I'm like What am I thinking Two lousy plastic forks But somehow it got into my head And I don't steal

And I guess I guess because it was free Maybe it isn't even stealing I don't know that legally it is stealing Maybe I'm guilty of taking more than I needed But I just feel so stupid I drove away I walked away

I slunk through the door of Chipotle looking around to see if I actually looked around to see if anyone saw me. The guy standing beside me getting his Coke, I kind of, I kind of glanced to my side to see if he saw me put the extra two forks in my bag. What kind of low-life scumbag am I? Fork stealer. That man, that's sick crazy. Oh, God, the guilt, the shame. Oh, God. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to put the stolen forks out at the barbecue. And where did it get me? How far ahead of the curve? How far ahead of the game of life did it get me? Did I save a nickel? Did I cheat the system? Is that why I did it? Did I do it because I felt like I was.

giving it to the man. Oh, yeah, corporate America, corporate. Chipotle, the big corporation, I showed them. I pulled one over on Chipotle. And even when I was driving home, I was trying to justify in my head. I go, well, how about the times when I went into Chapulte and the service was slow? For about the time, you know, the chick behind the counter, I asked for some sour cream.

on my burrito bowl and she was kind of light with it. She didn't put very much on or, you know, I asked for chicken in my burrito bowl and she was kind of chinty. Well, now I've evened the score. I got two extra forks.

Don't mess with this guy. So I had all these rationales in my head. At the end of the day, I was just an idiot. I was a cheap, misery, dumb, idiot. Forks. thief.

And I'm confessing, and I'm hoping Chipoli forgives me, and I'm hoping you forgive me. And most of all, I hope that the big creator in the sky forgives me. Do you realize that thou shalt not steal as one of the Ten Commandments? Can you imagine if yours truly, your humble host? Harland Williams ends up in the fiery pits of hell with Hitler. and Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden and Ben Stiller. I don't even know why I threw his name in, but can you imagine if I end up down there with Satan for eternity

because I stole two plastic forks that were free? So I'm going to do it right here. God, please forgive me. Forgive me for my sins, dear Lord in heaven. Please forgive me. I will never take free forks again. Please forgive me. I want to go to heaven.

Please. So I don't know. I wonder if the people at my barbecue who use the plastic forks will get a residue effect and they go to hell for using stolen merchandise. It's just an endless cesspool. It keeps going on and going on and going on. This whole thing is out of order. You're out of order.

The whole trial is out of order. They're out of order. But let me ask you this, oh faithful ones, as you sit there and gloat and sit on your high and mighty thrones, judging me, condemning me, chastising me for my lowly deeds. But let me ask you this.

Have you ever done it? Have you let he without sin cast the first ketchup packet? from McDonald's? Let he who is without sin cast the first ashtray from the hotel room. Let he who is without sin cast the salt and pepper shaker from Denny's.

Aha, you see where this is going? How many of you have committed this sin? How many of you who are destined for hell have taken too many of something? Have you taken too many straws at Burger King? Have you taken too many napkins and Arby's? Have you taken too much horsy sauce?

What have you done? Maybe you'd like to phone in and confess your sins. At least I manned up to it. Yes, yours truly a lowly fork thief. Oh, the shame. But at least I asked. for forgiveness. You son of I met you.

You're supposed to stand for something. Hello? Hello. Hey, Arnold. This is Zach. So I'm a little behind on the podcast right now. I just listen to the 4th of July episode about your barbecuing. And Barbecue Eddie didn't make an appearance at all.

I was just making sure he's okay. making injuries around because I thought of all people that Barbecue Eddie would have showed up from your barbecue anyways maybe you can just touch the base

on where he's at and what he's doing until next time chicken chal mane baby this is Eddie he wants to party but they just hang up

you know on anyone I know what is it? Hello how's it go How's it going, man? How's it going, man? Good, you.

Awesome, it's Eddie calling. Hello? Hey, man, it's Eddie calling. Who? Eddie? I was going to see if you want to crank up the barbecue today or get the barbecue going.

What's barbecue? Slop some baby back. some baby back ribs down and maybe crack a few hynikins or something. Oh, I don't think I can go. Maybe, you know, I could get some cord on the cob and stuff and we can slap some butter on it and hit the barbecue up. Oh, let's your barbecue? Yeah, you know, I just throw a barbecue together, crack some hynikins.

Oh, okay. Um, maybe slap some ribs down. Oh, I don't think I can need it. Some chicken breasts or something, maybe power, power slam some chicken breasts. Nope. Um, I don't know, you like pork chops or something, or... I think it's a more number. Oh.

Uh, it's Eddie. Uh, it's calling about the barbecue. I don't know if I was a buddy-to-you-can-power slabs some shrimp kebabs or something and slap them around. Hello? Hey. What the hell? What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay, here it is. Our crazy news story. This one is wow, let me just read the headline here. Ready? Death by, can you guess what this guy was killed by? Death by bagpipe. Man's lung illness linked to mold an instrument. So this guy, a bagpipe player, killed by his own bagpipes. Here's the story. Listening to the bagpipes has been

compared to torture. But who knew that playing them could kill you? British doctors are blaming the death of a 61-year-old Liverpool man on his bagpipes whose moist, dark interior apparently provided an ideal breeding ground for fungus. Authors of the case report are calling the man's condition bagpipe lung. Do you imagine that every time you talk? Do you sound like a bagpipe? People like,

Oh, hey dear Billy, where were you today, lad? Oh, it was at the store, don't you know? I went down to the store to get some milk and butter. Go on and get out of my way. I've got to go to the store and pick up some eggs. The man's demise appears to be the first documented case of death by bagpipe, experts say. Quote, it sounds like a Monty Python skit

or an Agatha Christie story gone wrong. The technical name for the man's lung disease is hypersensitivity pneumoniaitis, which occurs when the immune system tries to fight off a foreign invaders such as mold or yeast. The ensuing inflammation ends up scarring the lung make it harder for patients to breathe, and I guess eventually they die.

Good Lord. It just gets worse for this guy, too. I mean, God, it's like the top of the story said the bagpipes are kind of hard to live with to begin with, but when they come killing. But it gets worse, the bagpiper suffered for seven years with symptoms of dry cough, shortness of breath and weakness. The illness left him able to walk no more than about 65 feet, according to the study, although he had been previously able to walk more than six miles.

Good Lord. I wonder what happened when he hits 65 feet. He's like, okay, here we go. Let's see, 59, 60, 61, 62. 62, 63, 64, 65. Oh, there's a sharp note. Oh, that my bagpipe lungs kicking in there. Oh, ha!

I'd well play a funeral march for somebody. Can you imagine it when he coughed, it sounded like a bagpipe? A variety of things can trigger lung inflammation, including the dust shed by pigeon feathers, a condition known as pigeon fanciers lung. Oh, God. Remind me to stay away from pigeons. But it said this bagpiper had no contact with pigeons. I mean, that would be a double kicker.

You know, he's blowing on his bagpipes. And just when he takes his mouth off, the thing to breathe in and take a breath. What the fuck? Why is that a pigeon flying by? Suddenly I can't breathe. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, they say they tested the man's bagpipes and found a wide. array of mold and yeast. Ew.

Imagine your musical instrument with a yeast infection. God. Yeah, I don't play the cello anymore. It got a yeast infection, yeah. Used to play the trumpet before the yeast infection. I was with the Boston Philharmonic

until half of them got a yeast infection. You know, I got herpes off my friend's clarinet I'll tell you that. I mean, I got an STD off, off Carol's harp. And I don't even want to tell you about the AIDS I got off, you know, Bill's grand piano. I mean, holy fuck. It said that if the mold and all that crap had been identified earlier and he had stopped playing the bagpipes or clean them regularly,

he may well have just gotten better, King says. Sounds like he needed to douche his bagpipes. It sounded like he needed like a jar of summer's eve. And just spend a morning douching. Get the oil and vinegar in there, man. Clean that chamber out. Three years ago, an English bagpiper named John Shone came close to death from lung disease linked to his bagpipe. Research has also reported.

respiratory problems in trombone and saxophone players who failed to properly disinfect their instruments. Geez. You ever notice we haven't heard from Kenny G. for a while? I wonder where that guy is. Maybe he's at some lung hospital getting his stomach pumped with him and Rod Stewart. Ian Claibum, chairman of the president of the. bagpipe society in England.

The real thing is, the funny thing is, there's a bagpipe society. Has heard reports over the years about infections related to bagpipes, but he said he has no plans to give up his beloved instrument. There's more risk crossing the road, I reckon, is what he says. I wonder if these guys are doing more than just playing their bagpipes. I'm starting to wonder I'm starting to wonder if maybe there's more

than just their lips going around the bagpipe Oh, you know they name them Susie Oh Susie, that's it Oh, Susie, that's it Oh, Susie, Susie Girl Oh, oh, that's it

Susie, hit those high notes for me Oh yeah Oh, come on, come back here, behind the tool shed, Susie. Aye, that's a good lass. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, my God, Susie, I got the yeast. Oh, Susie.

Oh, but you feel so good. I cannot stop. Oh, your yeasty little musical minks. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So there you go. For all you bagpipe players, clean the yeast and the fungus out of your

bagpipe and live a little longer. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Thanks for calling Sky Hotel Mike's in here. How may I help you?

Hey man, how's it going? Good. How are you? Awesome. It's Eddie calling. Okay. I was going to see if you wanted to do that barbecue today or if you have time? You want

the schedule for, I mean the hours? The restaurant hours? No, I was wondering if you wanted to crack the barbecue on and throw some ribs on and stuff today or? We're a Sky Hotel. We don't do.

Maybe pop and drop some baby back ribs and crack a few Heinekins or something? No, we don't have them. Yeah, we have a Korean-Japanese-style restaurant, and you can... I know, but I'd see it if you wanted to come do the barbecue today, we could slap down some Cajun catfish filets or something and pop them and drop them or something, or... No, sorry. Maybe power slam some Heineken's or if you have time, or...

Um, hello? Hello? Sorry, I, what was it? Yeah, it's going to see if you wanted to, maybe if you had time to power slam a few hyniquins and stuff. Okay, um, okay, so what would you like with, you're Eric? No, it's Eddie. Eddie calling about the barbecue, seeing, uh, we could get together and throw it on and fire it up. No, you're, yeah, we're a hotel, we're not... Sorry, no, yeah.

So have about a yard there or something, or we could fire up the queue, or... Um, you can't just wait a second. Oh, sorry, yeah, we don't have the yards for that purple. We could just put it out in the grass or something and, like, smoke some ribs and... No, sorry about that. Power crack some lichens or something. or just probably an hour and a half? Yeah, sorry, we don't have that service for the particular barbecue.

Is there anywhere close by where I could power slam the barbecue or? No, we don't have anywhere nearby. Is there anywhere I could power slam it or? You can check other motels or hotels, but our hotel, no. No power slamming at your hotel? No, sorry. Oh, well, how about you? you, you want to grab a

finiken after work or something? Sorry, I'm working. I cannot grab a drink with you, though. I mean, after, like, when you're done, we could pop and drop a couple of hynicans, or? No, sir, I'm sorry. What time do you finish? I could

roll by. I don't finish until late midnight today. That's okay. We could go down to, you know. But I got to sleep, sir. I cannot go take a drink okay okay is there anything else I can help you with I guess if there's no way to barbecue I guess I'm out of luck here yeah but I'm sorry I do not

have that information like I said so you can tell at our motels or hotels but in hours no you're sure about that drink later though huh you don't want to just crack a Heineken later tonight at midnight or I don't drink I I have to drive home I sleep I could drive out the truck I could drive you know, just looking for someone to have a harnikin with and stuff. I could drop you off, no problem. Okay, but, uh, why do you not do that service the way? Um, okay.

We could glaze some shrimp and, um, if you got time, I mean, just looking for, for someone to have a beer with, kinda. Okay, so, um, if you're, okay, you do, if you don't have a reservation, then I have a guess, I have to check them out now, so. Okay, well, maybe tomorrow, how's tomorrow look? Tomorrow there's the same date, so I can't,

there's only, there's a lot of gas in front of me now. Can I call you tomorrow? Is that, uh, maybe crack a hynican or? No, I'm sorry. Okay, maybe next summer, or? Hey, what the hell? What about next summer? What the hell?

That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, poor Eddie. Will it ever happen for him? Will he ever get his barbecue? And can you believe summer is coming to a close? Another summer?

I promised you we'd get Barbecue Eddie in there and we did gotta have barbecue Eddie man are you crazy but I hate to end the show

on a down note I don't want it to be down but you know I always feel a little down if I'm being honest when summer ends it almost feels like summer is the reason we do

the rest of the year isn't it it feels like all right I'll suffer through winter and fall, as long as you give me a summer. And that whole rainy spring thing is fine, but it's still a bit chilly. But if it rolls into summer, okay. Summer's like the dangling carrot. We all wait for summer.

Summers when so much fun stuff happens. Summer's when we go fishing and swimming and water skiing. And we have summer romances and we run around in our shorts. We get tans and we feel good and we feel rejuvenated and alive. And it just, it always feels weird when it starts to end. We're in the last week of August. And it makes me sad because you know the cold's going to come and the shorter days with the darkness and the, you know,

it's like another year till summer and sure I look forward to it, but it's just, I don't know. So I don't want to bring everyone down, but it is a little sad. And I hope you guys had an amazing summer. I hope you had a great summer. And it sounds like Eddie went another summer without his barbecue.

Poor guy. Maybe next year. Poor barbecue, Eddie. Oh, poor, poor barbecue Eddie. This is Pete Hank's a million. for barbecue, Eddie. Where in the hell are you at? I got the sweet corn from the farmer's market. Where in the hell you at? I got the baked beans with the coleslaw and the little sesame seeds in it you like. Where in the hell you at? I got the Hineken ice down in the hog cross. Where in the

hell you at? Pants a million. Uh, hey, Harlan. Harlan, hey. This is Teddy. I've been looking for my cousin, Eddie, because I wanted to see if he wanted to, you know, throw a couple of sausages on the grill and throw back some coronas or Heineken's maybe. So, I don't know if you know where he's at. I keep listening to your podcast. Hey, be quiet. Those are my ducks. They're Indian runner ducks They're quite chatty But they don't They're not for eating on the grill

By the way, they're my pets I'm looking for Teddy Or I'm Teddy I'm Teddy. I'm looking for Eddie To do a little barbecuing What's up? Can you shine a light on it for me Please, my man Thank you

Bye Happy grilling This is Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up. Hey, how's the call, man? Pardon? Hey, hi, it's Eddie calling. What, what, what the hell? That was Eddie, he wants to party, but they just hang up.

Oh, man, even the French people are hanging up on Barbecue Eddie. Well, I hope you enjoyed Barbecue Eddie, and I hope you enjoyed a great, great summer. I know there's still a little bit of it, you know, it still lingers a bit into September, but for the most part, she's all wrapped up. but I hope you had a great, fun-filled, healthy, happy summer. And here's to many, many more. And as we roll into fall, let me bring to your attention my stand-up comedy schedule. I will be touring all over the United States of America, man.

Starting September 9th and 10th, I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah, at Wise Guys. Incredible club. So much fun. And then the following weekend, I'll be in Kansas City. Kansas City at the Improv. That'll be September 15th through the 18th. So please go online and get your tickets to follow the end of September, September 30th. The first weekend of October, I'll be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv. I haven't been there for a year or two. Looking forward to being back there.

All these dates are available at harlandwilliams.com. Okay, so you can just go to my website, harlandwilms.com. Order your tickets. All the links are there. You can order your tickets now. Get ahead of the curve. Reserve your seats and come see the kid in action. It's going to be a blast.

ladies and gentlemen. Also at the site, you can phone me. The phone number is 323-739-43-30, 3-2-3-739-43-30. Leave a message. You might get it on the air like some of our wonderful listeners today. Also, you can write me at harloweems.com.

There is a contact link. I look at all those emails, so look forward to hearing from y'all. Don't forget to check out our store. There's a great store at the website where you can order some fun merchandise. We'll ship it out to you. And lastly, don't forget to get our free app on your cell phone.

Just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and you can download the app for free. You get the most current 50 episodes for free. If you want the archived episodes, which is almost 800. That's a lot of listening. It's only 20 bucks a year. Plus, you get all kinds of bonus material that regular listeners don't get. You get live stand-up shows that I do. You get my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight where me and comedians and actors have verbal arguments. It's a ton of fun,

and for 20 bucks a year, you can't go wrong, man. So please join the premium membership. You can do that by going to the website and clicking on the app page. And you're in. 20 bucks gets you all this extra amazing bonus comedy that you won't get on this podcast. So there you go. Keep it real in the deal. Let's have a fun fall and winter. And until next time, shut your barbecues down and chicken. Chau me. Baby! Well, how about you? You want to grab a...

Finan after work or something? Sorry, I'm working. I cannot grab a drink with you, though. I mean, after, like, when you're done, we could pop and drop a couple of hynicans, or...