The Harland Highway - 798 - Mr. Featherstone visits Harland in studio. Labor Day madness.

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Mr. Featherstone visits Harland's studio and forces him to go to a hospital to deliver a baby. Our food habits! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy. What a show we have today. This could be, this is a tough one, Yang. Welcome to the Harland Highway. How are you? Happy Labor Day. Good to have you here. I know I sound a little down, but it's for a good reason. My boss, Mr. Featherstone, came into my studio today, and he wants me to do something unconscionable for Labor Day. I don't think the man understands what Labor Day means. I think he might be conflicted or mixed up. And so at the risk of being fired and having my podcast canceled, he's forcing me to go out and do something that I don't really want to do.

But for the sake of keeping the podcast on the air and keeping you folks entertained, I'm going to do it for you. The things I do for you. So watch out for this Labor Day special. Also, we're going to be talking about food habits. Do you have some interesting food habits? I know I do. I'm going to confess up to them.

I'm going to share. I hope you do too. So we'll be talking about that. Mr. Featherstone, Labor Day, and I'm going to be doing something in a hospital. This is the Harland Highway. Where are I? What is this?

Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is sound. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it?

Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hey, ho, yes, we are in September.

Can you believe it? Oh, my God. Fall is rolling in. It's Labor Day. Unbelievable. The year is. creeping on past. We're in the home stretch, man.

The fall. September, October, November, December, December. Wow. Can you believe it? Hold on. Excuse me. Hello?

Excuse me? Hello? Oh my God. That's my boss, Mr. Featherstone, sir. Hello, how are you? Sir, what are you doing down here? in my control room. You never come down here.

Yeah, well, laity da and fiddle-de-D. Sir? You heard me. Sir, why are you in my podcast studio? So this is what it looks like, huh? Yes, sir. This is the control room. There's Roger through the window over there.

Who? Roger? Oh, your life partner. No, he's not. My life partner, sir, that's Roger, our producer. Well, he looks like a life partner, I'll tell you that much. Look at his hair. What about his hair?

It's brown. Uh-huh. Sir? Uh-huh. Sir, Roger is the producer of the podcast. The plod, plot. The podcast, sir. The plow, plow, plow.

Plewa. Sir, it's pronounced podcast. Well, I don't speak German, so what's your point? Well, what do you mean? What's my point? You came down to the studio. Usually I come up to your office, sir. I don't know why you call this a studio.

Smells like an Italian kitchen. What do you mean, sir? Oh, take a sniff. Smells like lasagna farts in here. Sir? Speaking of farts, have you ever farted on a Christmas elf at the mall? Sir, I don't fart on things. You walk right up to them. They're so small, you can fart right on the forehead.

Sir, I don't fart on Christmas elves. Well, you should try it. I mean, your goddamn studio here smells like burnt lasagna. Sir, what are you doing in my studio? Well, I own it, don't I? Well, that's true, sir. So what are you, uh, Mission Impossible? Grilling me?

What do you mean? No, I'm just asking what you're doing down here. Yeah, you're questioning me like, uh, who are you? Homeland Security? No, sir, I, it's just odd that you would come down to my studio when I usually go up to your office. Yeah, well, there's someone else. Somewhere else you go. Where, sir? Do you have funny little bars downtown?

Sir, I don't go to funny little bars downtown. Oh, really? What about the oily canoe? The oily canoe? Yeah. Sir? Yeah. Sir, what are you doing here?

It's Labor Day. Okay, yes, that's true. So you're going to do a special show for Labor Day. That's what I'm talking about right here and now. Wise Cracker? I'm not a white crack. So I'm just asking you. Yeah, well, it sounded like you were wisecracking.

Save your cracking for your guy friends, if you know what I mean. Sir, I don't have guy friends. And what does that mean cracking? That's insulting. Well, you got a crack in your ass? Yes, sir. Well, I'm pretty sure you've done some cracking, haven't you? Sir?

What about Labor Day? I want to do a special for Labor Day. Okay. So? So? What? So you're going to go to the hospital. What do you mean I'm going to the hospital?

You're going to go down to the hospital and deliver a baby. Well, I, what are you talking about? Are you joking, sir? It's Labor Day, isn't it? Yes? And when a woman's about to have a baby, what does she do? She goes into labor. Right, and today's Labor Day.

Yeah, but that's a different... And you're going to go down to the hospital, find a woman in labor, and give birth to a baby. Sir, wait a minute. No, no, no. I am not going to... And here's the other catch, Dingle Buns Mabala Dingle. sir you're going to find a woman in labor with a speech impediment what are you talking about so it sounds like not only are we delivering a baby but we're doing something for charity what does a speech impediment have to do with it uh hello have you ever heard someone with a speech impediment uh...

sir that is not a speech impediment it's probably a grunt from one of your guy friends down at your funny little bars. Sir? How about this one? You ever been down to the greasy laptop on 45th and 92nd? Sir, I haven't

been to the greasy laptop. Ah! Sir? Ah! Sir, I am not going to a hot... You're going to a hospital, Hyman Viner. Are you going to find a woman in labor

and you're going to deliver her baby? Are you going to be walking? Are you telling me that if I don't go to a hospital on Labor Day and deliver a baby for a woman who has a speech impediment, for a woman, you're going to fire me? That's right. Sir, this is out of the ordinary. And speaking out of the ordinary, let me ask you this, have you ever farted on an ice sculpture? What do you mean an ice sculpture, sir? Well, you fart on it, and it melts.

Sir, I have not farted on an ice sculpture. Well, you should try it. I farted on one at the State Fair a few weeks ago. It was an angel holding a bouquet of flowers. I farted in its face and its face melted. Sir? You got a problem with that, Captain Kirk? Captain Kirk?

Uh-huh. Sir? You heard me now. You get down to the hospital. Sir, that... You better get gone, or you're going to be fired? Sir, I have one more segment to finish. Can I have ten minutes, please?

I bet that's what you say to your guy, friends. Sir? Uh-huh. Sir! Uh-huh. You got ten minutes, and then you better be down to that hospital recording live on Labor Day. Yes. Sir. And don't give me any attitude or I'll send you to the zoo and have you licked the stripes

off a zebra. What does that even mean, sir? I don't know, but you got the tongue for it, I bet, with your guy, friend. Sir? I got to get back to work. I better hear that report from the hospital. Yes, sir. And while you get some air freshener in here, it smells like Olive Garden not a fuck fest at a Motel 6. Sir? Goodbye. Good Lord. Roger, did you hear this crap?

Are you... Oh, my God. All right, Roger, let's get to the next bit. Play a commercial so I can get organized. We'll do the next bit. And then I've got to get down to the freaking hospital and deliver a... What did he say? A baby? Yeah, I got that with a speech impedimentary.

Unbelievable. Go to a commercial. Oh, God. Why do I do this? Conjunction, junction, what's your function? Hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction, junction, how's that function? I got three favorite cards that get most of my job done. Conjunction, junction, what's their function? I got an end button or.

They'll get you pretty full. far and that's an additive like this and that but that's sort of the opposite not this but that and then there's ore o r when you have a choice like this or that and flat and ore get you pretty far conjunction junction what's your function hooking up two box cards and bacon i'm run right milk and honey bread and butter peas and rice hey that's nice Dirty but happy, digging and scratching, losing your shoe and a button or two. He's poor, but honest, sad but true. Boo-hoo-hoo!

Conjunction, junction, what's your function? Okay, enough, thank you. I just needed a little minute there to get my head together, wrap my head around what's about to happen here on Labor Day. And we had this bit lined up that I want to talk. about before I have to leave. So let's do that. And if I sound a little distracted, I, you know why. But anyways, I wanted to talk about, do you do this?

Do you do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do you, do, you, do you, you, do you, you, you, do not know how to talk. Look, see, I told you, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm tongue-tied. Do you, do you, do you, do you, have it eat? That's what I'm trying to. ask. Do you eat out of habit, force of habit? We all have to eat, right? We all need sustenance for our bodies. We need to keep the engine running. We have to put fuel in the

engine. So we eat. But do you have any foods that are force of habit where you're kind of at the point where you're kind of like Pavlov's dog? You're kind of programmed to eat certain foods like me when I go to the movie theater. I think a lot of us might be trained to do this. I just, I automatically get the popcorn with the butter on it. And let's face it, the popcorn at the theaters now is not very good. It's got that fake, it's not even butter. They call it golden butter flavoring.

And you go to the machine and it pukes it out. all over your popcorn. And because it's not behind the counter at a lot of theaters, now it's out by where the straws and the condiments are. You just go, oh, my God, are you kidding? They're letting me put the butter on? I mean, normally, in most theaters, they always let, they put the butter on.

They're like butter Nazis. They control the butter, but they're going to let me do it. And you just go nuts. You just, like, You're there for like four minutes. You open your glass of Coke. You put some butter in there. More butter, more golden topping.

And it's all over the place. It's splashed all over the counter. You feel like someone should take their clothes off and lay down and get a massage. There's so much oil everywhere. You don't know what it is. Golden butter topping. Well, that doesn't say much. That could be paint finish, you know?

So we don't know what it is, but by force of habit, we just, a lot of us automatically ask for the popcorn. And the price is astronomical. I mean, think about it. How much is a bag of uncooked popcorn kernels? I bet it's 25 cents for a giant bag. And they charge us like $4 or $5 for the popcorn? for Christ's sake.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But you do it. You just do it because you're forced. And I go to another theater where they actually use real butter and the popcorn's actually pretty good but there's sometimes when i don't even want the popcorn i go to the movie thinking i don't want the popcorn and then i get to the snack bar to get you know a licorice or a hot dog and i go give me the popcorn it's part of the deal it's force

a habit i got to do it give me the damn popcorn right or you go to your favorite restaurant and you always, you tried an appetizer once, and it was delicious and you got to get it. Even if you don't want, it's like, all right, give me the lobster beast. I was just going to have a steak, but, you know, give me the lobster. And you know going in, even when you're dieting. That's when it's really hard. Or about when you order a pizza? There's like three billion combinations you could do.

You could do, you could do anchovy. pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms, onions. You can mix it up. You can do sausage. You can do red peppers. You can do bacon. But how many of you always get the same damn toppings? I've been doing it for like 20 years.

Yeah. Double bacon, mushroom, and onions. Yeah. It's almost 90% of the time it's the same. It's like a, it's a food habit. Or how about when you watch your favorite show on TV? Maybe you're watching The Walking Dead. Maybe you're watching NFL football.

How many of you have the food habit? Well, you might even not be in the mood for it. You might be full, but you're like, oh, I got to get the submarine sandwich. And the smoothie, that's, that's, that's. my thing, even though I don't feel like it. It just, they go hand in hand. It's a food habit. And one of the worst ones is when you, you know, you get in this food habit where you somehow feel obligate, you do your breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but you're one of those 10 o'clockers at night, right? You're like, oh boy, it's 10 o'clock. It's probably time for

bed or I should go down to the deli and get a corned beef sandwich and some potato salad and a cream soda. I'm guilty. That's my go. It's like 10 o'clock at night. I'll be out in the town doing a comedy club. I'll be working a comedy club in Hollywood or I'll be out at a party or I'll be socializing. Sometimes I'll even be sitting at home. It's like, oh, it's late. I'll be watching TV. Well, I guess I'll go to bed right about after I have my big, thick, fat corned beef sandwich with potato salad and cream soda. What am I an idiot? But we have these food habits, man.

What are your food habits? I want to hear, man, because I just kind of expose some of mine. And a lot of them aren't healthy. That's the other thing. It's not like your food habit is, well, I think I'll sit down and have a radish, a couple of parsnips, and a glass of cod oil.

Yeah, you don't do that every day. They're usually like bad habits. So I want to hear from you. I don't want to be the only one here. Come on, call me. 323-739, 43330. 323739, 4330. Let's hear some of your food habits, where you've been locked in.

You know, it's when you go to the grocery store and you shop, you know, you mix it up. You'll buy eggs, you'll buy meat, you'll buy dairy, you'll buy bread, you'll be. Oh, this week maybe I'll get some English muffins. Oh, this week, oh, there's an interesting frozen TV dinner. Oh, look at that. Bananas. I haven't had those in a while, right? You mix it up.

But not the food habits, man. Not the food habits I'm talking about. You know what they are. So I want to hear from you. I'd love to hear your food habits, your rituals, the way they go down. 3-2-3-739, 40, 3.30. Let's share some food habits. Maybe I'll even adopt some of your food habits.

So there you go. You know, I actually got through that bit better than I thought, Roger. It started off a bit I was discombobulated But I actually got into the bit And I stopped thinking About what I have to do now But

Thank God So here we go folks Uh Roger Play another commercial And when we get back I'll be down at the hospital And Good Lord

I'll have a remote microphone with me And because it's Labor Day My boss He's going to fire me if I don't do this, folks. So bear with me. I don't want to do this to you. But apparently I have to deliver a baby on Labor Day because women go into labor. He thinks Labor Day means he just doesn't get it that Labor Day is about work.

So not only they have to deliver a baby on Labor Day, it's got to be, I have to find a woman with a speech impediment. I don't know what that's all about. He says it's for charitable reasons. all right roger do it and folks when we come back we'll catch you at the hospital good lord for the shortest days of the year stretch your time by shopping at k and b k and b has the e pt pregnancy test kit single for just 1049 the double just 1399 the eight count replains moisturizer is just 1049 gynolotrum and cream cream disposable or seven count inserts is just 1099 and the combo pack or seven count pre-fill

Applicators is just 1449 at K&B. When the days are short, really long, unconvenient at your nearby K&B drugstore. Personal yours. Oh, God. Here I am. At the hospital.

I guess I got a text from my boss, Mr. Featherstone. I guess they found a lady with a speech impediment. I'm just waiting to go in to the into the room, the delivery room. I guess she's in there right now.

I just, I just, one of the nurses popped their head out and said her water just broke. This is ridiculous lady. I'm about to go in. I'm wearing a blue hospital gown. I've got the little mask over my face. I've got rubber, blue rubber gloves on right now. I'm sitting out in the hall. People are staring at me.

Hello? Yes. I'm not a doctor. some Asian guy just rolled his eyes at me so I'm about to go in and I guess I'm going to give birth to help a woman give birth to a woman with a speech impediment

what's her name? Roger texted Zelda Edelheim Zelda Edelheim Good Lord It's okay They're waving me in. Okay, I'm going in, I'm going into the room. Oh, my God, there she is on the table.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, she's, oh, she's just huge. Her legs are up in the stirrups. Oh, my God. Mrs. Edelstein, hello, I'm Harland Williams. I'm here to deliver your baby, ma'am. Ma'am, I'm here to deliver your little baby, Zelda. Oh my god, you know, man, I hate to say you sound like, man, I hate to say you sound like a sea cow.

Oh my god, I, oh my God, there's something coming out. Oh my God, I see a head. I see ahead, Zelda. Push, ma'am. Can you, can you push? Can you breathe? I'm saying we... Push, push, push, push, push, push. Oh my God, there's a head coming out. Zelda, there's a head.

Push, push, push, push, wish, wish. Oh, my God, are you barking? Oh, who! Oh, there's the arms, there's the arms. Oh, my God, look at it. It's all purple. and pink and blue what I don't understand Zelda what are you saying I don't get what you can you speak clearly oh my god oh oh here it comes your push

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god I got cream all over my face. I've got, I'm covered in, pardon me, ma'am. I don't understand, Zelda. I'm sorry, I cannot make out what you're saying. Here, hold your baby. Oh, God. I am covered in placenta. I am covered in vitriolic fruit. I don't know what I'm covered in it. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right.

Ma'am, I hope you enjoy your child. I'm gonna get out of here and give you some alone time with your baby. Okay, you don't have to give me the finger, ma'am. Okay. Whoa! She just threw some placenta at me. Whoa! Watch!

Watch it! I'm out of here. Oh, fuck. Okay, I'm out in the hallway. You know, I think I got in the show right here, ladies. And my hands are freaking trembling right now. I've got, oh, God, there's something on my head. Oh, God, it's like jello, pink jello.

I'm just going to end the show here. This is traumatic for me. The baby was all purple and blue. It was messy. Eich. Um, wow. Wow.

I just, I feel a bit queasy. Okay, listen, if you can, please get our free app, the Harland Highway app at, uh, at your, on your phone. Just go into your app store. Download the Harland Highway. It's absolutely free. You're going to have a blast. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway

so they can experience the miracle of birth. Jeez. Please call if you have a request or a message or a song or something to say. 3-2-3-739-40-3-30. I want to hear your food ritual. 3-2-3-7-39-43-30. Oh, God.

I'm all bloody. And also, you can write to me at harlomwilliams.com on our contact link. I'll read your emails. And check out our store at harlomwiliams.com. And, oh, my God, she's coming out. Oh, my God, no, I didn't drop your baby. No. Oh, my God, she's chasing me.

Oh, my God, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Chicken Chalman, baby!