The Harland Highway - 800 - Question of the day, AWKWARD!!! Calls from thiefs!

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Today the QUESTION OF THE DAY involves awkward dating scenarios. Also some low down dirty thieves call the show! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how are you, gang, Harlan Williams here at the Harlan Highway podcast, your host, your mentor, your doctor, your nurse, whatever you need, I'm here. Welcome to the show. Great show today. We are going to be taking a question of the day. Boy, this one's an awkward one. I think all of you might have experienced today's Harlan Highway question of the day. Yeesh. I certainly had a weird experience with what we're about to talk about. Probably you too. And then we're going to take some phone calls from the pavement pounders. I think I talked recently about how I had stolen some plastic forks from Chipotle. Yeah, I think I stole two or three plastic forks from Chipotle.

I felt so guilty and bad that I came out on the show and confessed a few podcasts back. And lo and behold, it drew more criminal element out of the woodwork. Yes, a bunch more of you pavement pounders have called in and fessed up to your fast food crimes. Wait to you here. We're going to have a big circle of forgiveness. We're going to try to get past it, move through our horrible bad behavior and become good citizens. here on the Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harlan, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Not because they are easy, but because they are hot. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is. Here it is. And it's an awkward one.

And it might have happened to you. happened to me recently. Here's the question of the day. Have you ever been out to dinner or lunch or breakfast, whatever? You're out somewhere enjoying an intimate meal with a date. And partway through the date, you look up, you look next to you, and at the next table, or maybe a table or two over, but within close proximity to you,

is another person that you went on a date with before? You know, not a long-term thing, but just someone you had maybe dated before, one or two dates, maybe one date, maybe five dates. It never really gelled. It never turned into anything. And there they are. Well, it happened to me recently,

and here's what happened. and it's very, very uncomfortable. I'm out the other night, you know, with a friend, the lady friend. And we're just sitting there having some sushi. And, you know, we walk into the restaurant. The hostess brings us over to a table. You know, sometimes sushi restaurants are a little tight. They put people pretty close to each other.

It's like if it was a street, it would be the type of street. where the, you know, there's five feet between each house. Well, these tables, there was about, you know, like a foot and a half, two feet between each table. So if you weren't talking or they weren't talking, you could listen in on the other table's conversation. So you kind of had to keep talking so, A, you couldn't hear them and hope they keep talking, so they're not listening in on you. So I'm sitting there, and this was a very, unusual moment for me because the way I identified the person beside me was not by their voice

or by their face recognition or anything like that. It was, for lack of a better explanation, it was because of a very unusual, I guess, portion of their body. I don't know how to put it. Let me explain. So I'm sitting there, I'm probably about five minutes in, sitting there with my lady friend where we're eating, you're having miso soup, we're talking, we're having a laugh. To the left of us is two other young ladies. And they look like their friends, they're talking. And, you know, I can see the one that's sitting across from me diagonally fairly well.

I can see her features, but the one right beside me, the only way I could see her would be for me to actually turn my head and look right at her. She was right beside me in the other seat. So I wasn't going to do that. And I didn't even think about it.

As I sat down, I'm sitting there, I'm enjoying the beginnings of my dinner with my lady friend. And all of a sudden out of the quarter of my eye, This is so odd I kind of, you know, glanced down towards the floor out of my peripheral vision and it's weird because the woman beside me

is, you know, it's a naturally, normally proportioned woman. It's just, there's a woman sitting beside me. But when I glanced over, I noticed that her feet weren't touching the floor. And I was like, wait, what? And I looked again, and I noticed that this woman beside me had unusually kind of short legs. I was like, oh, that's odd. Her feet aren't touching the floor.

It's a full-grown woman. And then I kind of made the extra step to look over a little more and examine her body. And I was like, well, she looks proportioned and she's not a little person. You know, little people, or as some people used to call them midgets, I don't think that's politically correct anymore. So little people, very often, for whatever reason, I don't know. I'm not a doctor, so I don't know. But as you know, a lot of time, little people have heightened features.

They have short stubby legs, obviously, because they're little people. They usually have a, you know, a button. talks that stick out, that protrude. A lot of times their arms are short. They have sometimes their heads seem larger. They have bigger foreheads, et cetera, et cetera. That's just the way they are. Not making fun.

But this woman beside me didn't have all that. She had all the normal proportions, but for some reason she had almost like dwarf-like legs. They weren't completely stubby and short, but they were disproportionately short compared to the rest of her body. So there was some kind of abnormality. I don't know if she was deformed, if it was, I don't know what it was, but it just, it wasn't regular proportions. I said, oh, that's odd. And then all of a sudden I had a flashback to about maybe three years earlier.

a friend of mine and his wife had invited me out to dinner here in Los Angeles. And I said, oh, yeah, I'd love to see you guys. Let's go out to dinner. And they said, yeah, after we're going to go see a show, a live show, and we got you a ticket. I'm like, great. So I show up. And at the time I was a single man, I show up, and we all show up. We meet at the restaurant, and all of a sudden there's another woman there.

And I'm like, oh. Okay, I guess maybe there's a group. And then we all went and sat down and was just the four of us. It was him and his wife, and then they put this woman across from me. And at this point, you know, we were in a crowded restaurant, and I hadn't noticed anything different or peculiar. We sat across from each other. We talked.

And then at one point the women got up to go to the bathroom. And it was at that point that I noticed that this woman had kind of dorfish legs. They were disproportionately short, and as a result, she was sort of short, but the legs looked off somehow. I don't know how else to describe it. And then while they were at the bathroom, I was like, hey, dude, what's going on? What's with this girl? And he was like, you know, his eyes lit up. He said, what do you think?

You like, what do you mean do I like her? You know, what do you think of her? And I go, I don't know. I don't even know. He goes, right? She's pretty cool. and it dawned on me, he was trying to fix me up without asking me. I don't think I've ever been fixed up in my life.

I didn't know if I was insulted or excited or I felt like I was maybe insufficient. I was like, well, what's wrong with me? Do all my friends think I don't have the ability to attract women? I don't know how to go out on a date. Is this what my friends are doing collectively behind my back? They're starting to talk. They're starting to feel pity. They're starting to go through the Rolodexes to find single women for me.

So I was a little taken aback, but then I was also, you know, a little confused by the proportions of this woman. I was like, I feel like maybe she was a little person, but then at the same time, she wasn't. And so she was very confusing, a pleasant girl. girl, actually a good-looking girl, a smart girl. But her body type threw me off. And so I'm sitting there, fast forward to my little sushi dinner. And it was these legs. I go, why aren't those legs touch it?

And then I looked over and I went, wait a minute. Dot, dot, dot, dot. I connected the dots. And I went, this is the girl. This is the girl that's the oddly proportioned girl that they tried to fix me up with who I never saw again after that dinner, because she just wasn't my type. And so now I'm, you know, six, seven minutes into my dinner with my lady friend.

And all of a sudden, here's this girl beside me, who for all I know, you know, my friend and his wife said the same thing to her. They were trying to, you know, fix her up with me. And maybe they said more to her. Maybe she was in on it. I don't know. Maybe this Harlan guy, come to dinner with us. You're going to love Harland.

He's a great guy. You and him are going to skip off and be married. And to be honest, I was uncomfortable with it. We went to this show, and I didn't really know how to handle it because I wasn't really, like I said, I've never been fixed up before. And I never asked to be fixed up. And so with about five, ten minutes left in the day. his live theatrical production. I leaned over to my friends. They said, I'm going to take off.

I've got to get going. Yeah, I've got to get, I got some stuff in the morning, you know, that old chestnut. And so I took off and my friends, I think, were kind of mad at me. They didn't really talk to me for a couple of months. I think they were pissed, but in my defense, I'm like, I didn't have to be set up. I didn't know you were setting me up. And to be honest, I, A woman with disproportionate body parts and little legs is not really my thing. And I'm not trying to be mean, but, you know, that's not really in my wheelhouse. That's not what I'm attracted to. Sorry. And so now I'm sitting here wondering if this girl has recognized me.

And so now I'm kind of, you know, I'm tilting my body a little. You know, I'm doing the little, trying to put my body on a little. bit of an angle. I'm kind of, oh, suddenly the side of my head's itchy. Oh, I think I'll rest my hand on the side of my face. Suddenly, I'm kind of editing what I'm saying out loud to my lady friend. Suddenly my energies change. The volume in my voice has gone down a bit because I don't really want the girl beside me to start listening in or even catch on that it's me. And so now the rest of my meal with my lady friend is uncomfortable. I'm two and a half feet away from the girl with the stubby legs, eating sushi.

And I don't know if she's pissed of me, if she thinks I ran out on her, if she's, if they had promised her, you know, love and romance, and I don't know. Am I a bad guy? Am I a good guy? And so now I'm very uncomfortable, two and a half feet away. and now I just want to eat my sushi and get out of here. They'd already been in there a while before we got there. Guess what?

We finished our sushi, got the check, and we're out of there before them. But it's very awkward. It's very awkward to be in that scenario. You don't know where to look. You don't know what to say in my head. I'm like, should I just turn around and go, hey, aren't you so-and-so? Remember we all went out to dinner one night and, oh, wasn't that great? yeah and I was like I don't want to do that because then I'm going to act like I'm all happy

and act like I had a great time and and then I got to get into like a faux conversation with you and shoot the breeze and ask you how you've been and what you're up to and to be honest I don't care so that's the Harlan highway question of the day have you ever been on a date at a meal and all of a sudden somebody else that you had dated shows up and sits right in your proximity. Wow. I thought maybe I was going to get kicked by those stubby little legs. Wow.

The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, moving on, moving on, moving on, moving on. You know, sometimes this is always really cool to me. Like, you know, someone will phone me at the show here. And they'll make a comment about a podcast I did a while back, you know, maybe even over a year ago, maybe longer. And I did a podcast a while back where I talked about a time machine where you could go back and recapture your youth. And you're like, what the hell are you talking about? Who are you, Michael J. Fox?

We've got to get back to the future, Marty. What it was is I said, you know, if you take a garden hose during the summer and you turn it on and you bring it to your mouth and you drink water from the garden hose, it will instantly transport you back to when you're a little kid. For whatever reason, it just fills your head with imagery of when you used to do the same thing as a child. At least that's what happened when I did it. and I find it charming and enchanting, and it's really weird that something so simple and mundane can kind of fill your head with memories as you drink water out of a hose and have these flashbacks to your youth. And then the other side of me goes, well, wait a minute, does that really happen to anyone else? Am I the only guy or girl that this happens to? And I thought if it's happening to me, it must happen to other people.

and so I guess I got a phone call from someone at the show here who maybe hadn't heard that episode because it's back in the archives and got a great phone call where he called in and shared some of his experiences as he took to the water hose and had some wonderful flashback memories of being a kid. Have a listen. Hey, how are you? That's three points of discussion. Number one, I was watching some fans in my yard the other day, and I got hot and decided to take a drink of water from the hose, and I was immediately put back into seventh grade football practice whenever we were super hot, and we had to take water breaks, and we had to take turns with the water hose. And then I started thinking about the dial on my water hose nozzle, and I was like, man, wouldn't it be cool if I could turn the year? I could basically select which year I wanted to go back to and then drink from the water hose,

and it would be the water hose time machine. I think more people ought to try to go back to that episode. I think of the, what was it, the 500 episode or something, where you talked about the water, the water hose. I think everybody should try it again before summer in, because it definitely takes you back. And I've done it a couple times, and it's weird how it just puts me back into different years. The very first time I did it after your show, I thought about being, like, in second grade and lighting fireworks with my dad and thinking about her old house. And then I just did it like yesterday or the day before, and I was thinking about seventh grade football. So it's almost like you never know which memories are going to hit you at whenever you do it.

It's kind of crazy. It's kind of like how music is the way certain songs make you think about a certain time periods. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, before we go to his second point on his phone call, I just want to interrupt for a second because I just love that message. Thank you so much for sending that because I've verified all the things that I was feeling. You know, it just, you pull that little hose up to your face, and you put your mouth on it, and the water's trickling through your lips, and you're being refreshed, and the sound of the water splashing. I mean, how often do you drink from a hose as an adult? And so it just takes you back, and I just found it so enchanting

that you had these memories of playing football, being with your dad and lighting fireworks. I mean, just beautiful, beautiful imagery. And so I hope it works for all of you. And, you know, I brought this topic up. I think you said podcast 500. And you're right. Everyone should go back and listen to it.

But I think this whole topic now that I've heard from a few people and I've heard from you, I think it's inspired me to dig deeper into this. this topic. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to write a short story. I don't know how many pages it'll be. Maybe it'll be 10, 15, 50, 60, 70. I am going to write a short story about this time machine garden hose. And I'm going to, I'm going to read it to you guys when I get it done.

It will be a special, special Harland Highway podcast, story time with Harland Williams, the water hose time machine. I think I want to write that story and I want to hear that story, and hopefully you guys want to hear that story. I think it could be beautiful. So thank you so much for your call. I really, really love that phone call. Amazing, amazing.

And thank you for sharing. And now let's jump back into the rest of our pavement pounders phone call. Here we go. Second discussion point. I heard your podcast about stealing the Chapulte way forks. And one thing I do is I always take extra napkins, and I always want napkins in my car and my glove box or whatever. I spell something or if I need to blow my nose or whatever. And so sometimes I feel guilty about taking way more napkins than I should.

And, yeah, it's crazy. I feel a little guilty about little things like that. But anyway, I can't wait to see you when you come to Kansas City. Have a good one. Premium member, signing off. All right, a premium member. Thank you. Maybe that's what I'll do.

Maybe I'll do the Time Machine water hose story just for the premium member. It's kind of a little incentive for you guys to do. join up only $20 a year. Thank you for being a premium member. Thank for your great phone call. And as far as Kansas City, yes, I will be in Kansas City, Kansas City at the improv this week. I start Thursday night, September 15th through the 18th. And I look forward to seeing you guys there. Get your tickets at Harlow Williams.com. but let's get back to the second part of your phone call where I had done a show recently where I had been, I convicted myself of being guilty of stealing plastic forks from Chipotle.

I took two when I should have, well, I took three when I should have took one. And you weren't the only one that called in about the theft, the plastic fork theft at Chipotle. Let's listen to what some of the other pavement pounders had to say about it. Joe Harlan, this is a buddy of yours. I'm not going to give my name only because I'm worried about the statute of limitations. I just listened to your podcast from a few days ago about how you stole some forks from Chipotle. And, you know, number one, you're stealing two forks. I can't wait to see that party.

I hope I get an invite because that's going to be one rocking party if you've got two for everybody. but the other thing is I did steal something once and I meant to I was in the grocery and you know how they have those self-checkouts and you know how they have those bulk foods well they had a big tin of a big container full of cashews and they're quite expensive they're like eight ten twelve dollars a pound or something and I it was was a few years ago. I wasn't working. And, you know, I was, you know, short on cash. So I took a whole big bag of, you know, I filled a big bag full of the cashews because I wanted some. And when I went to the checkout, the self-checkout, I looked around and there was nobody there. I knew the cameras could see me, but I doubted they could see what I was actually punching in. So when it asked me to punch in the code after I weighed them, I punched in the code for 99 cents a pound apples, but I got away with, you know, $12 worth of cashews. So, you know, and I haven't, I felt

guilty about it, but I forgave myself. And you should forgive yourself for the forks, too. And I love you, and you make me laugh all the time. And thanks a lot, Harley. Thank you. I can't believe it. He's like, oh, two forks. I want to be at your barbecue. Only two forks.

What the hell? I can't wait to see that party. I hope I get an invite because that's going to be one rocking party if you've got two for everybody. See, that's the stupid thing about my theft and my logic. It wasn't two people. There were a lot of people. and in my mind I'm like oh you know I always go out and buy these plastic forks and by the end of the party there's only usually one or two left so if I if I grab a couple every time I come to Chipotle you know I'll never have to buy you know two dollars and fifty cents worth of plastic forks ever again and that's how that was just so dumb and cheap and I'm like what the now that I look back at I'm like what am I thinking and that's what that's why I had to confess or what I

An idiot I am. No, I don't have barbecues with just two people. Okay? Now, as far as your story goes, hey, man, I appreciate you coming clean. That takes a little courage. I like your logic, though. You're like, I wasn't working, and they were expensive, and I wanted them. And that's kind of what always leads to trouble.

You decide you want something, and you're just going to take it. And you don't care who gets hurt. or how you do it. You've made a decision. You know what? Screw it. I'm down on my luck. I deserve some delicious cashews.

I'm taking them. And then you were kind of crafty about it. The way you, you know, your whole thing with the scanner and the camera. And it was almost a little like, I don't know, are you a professional cashew thief? I don't know. But then I like how you brought it around at the end. You said you felt guilty.

You knew it was wrong. And you forgave yourself. And I like all that, but the whole forgive yourself thing, I don't know if that's allowed. You know, I don't know if we're allowed to do bad things and say, You know what? I just ran over a baby and, you know, God, that kid's a mess. No, not going to make it.

In the hospital on life support, probably he's got a day to live. But, you know what? I think it back on it. I think I'm going to forgive myself on this one. You know, what was that family thing? and I give him birth to a baby. It's not my fault, I hit it. Now, forgiveness is important.

We must ask for forgiveness for our sins. We must ask forgiveness for our faults, for our crimes, of course. But the way you phrased it was a little bit too easy. It was like, you know what, I forgave myself. I stole the cash shoes. I forgive myself. It's all okay. Well, here's what I recommend.

okay you don't have to do it but i recommend like maybe as a little way to even the scales and instead of just saying i forgive myself because at the end of the day you took something that wasn't yours maybe to even the scales you pay it forward you know what you said you took like what eight dollars worth of cashews or twelve dollars maybe to make the world right again a penance perhaps You can do it or not do it. Maybe if you see someone struggling one day or at the checkout counter, or at the gas station, or at the grocery store,

or at Subway or McDonald's, or wherever you might be, you might see someone going, oh, man, I don't have enough money to pay for that. Or you see someone who's maybe a kid. You know, and you know they don't have a ton of money in their wallet. Or maybe you see, you know, a mother with a bunch of children and you can tell maybe she's struggling. Or maybe it's just an average person. You're in front of them in line and you just go,

you know what, let me get that for you, ma'am. I'm going to buy your lunch for you today. How much is that? $8, $12? It's on me. No, no explanation. Just do it. And maybe that evens out the scale and gives you good karma

and washes away your sins instead of you just going, I forgive myself. maybe you pay for what you did by doing something nice for someone else, and it counterbalances the theft. And listen, I'm going to do it too. I'm going to do it for my forks. I'm going to find a way to cover someone's expense when they're, you know, when they need it, or even if they don't need it.

So there you go. Just a thought. But thank you for sharing. And I think we have some more people that wanted to talk about my, my Chipotle theft. Hey, Harle, this is a sec. So on your recent episode, I was doing forks from Chipotle, nothing wrong with grabbing a couple extra forks or sauces or whatever else.

Like when I go to the top of the bell, I'll load up on fire sauce, grab a couple handfuls. But my problem is that you only took. too. So that leads us to believe that you get together you were happy and you're only having two people come over to not have very many friends or is it like a bring your own fork and you're just going to have two extra just in case. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just curious about what was going on with two forts. But yeah, until next time, chicken channel, maybe. Wow, clearly next time I go to Chipotle, I need to steal. like 80 forks, just so people think I have friends. Please do not rate my amount of friends by how many forks I steal from a fast food Mexican restaurant. Okay, I have more than two friends, honestly, I swear. Hey, Harlan, this is Michael.

First time caller, long time listener. I heard your podcast by you stealing forks from Chipotle. Now, I'm not going to cast a finger of shame on you because I'm, I'm sure lots of people do that, but I think I might be able to trump you. I'm a notorious napkin face. Whether I go to Chipotle, whether I go to McDonald's, whether I go to Carlos Jr. I always take at least five to six napkins extra than I need, and I stick it on my glove box. Now, if you're going to go to hell for forks, three forks, I'm sure these dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of napkins I have in my glove box,

well, it's going to give me a one-way ticket to hell. I mean, I use them for good. You spill something in the car, you wipe it up. Who knows? Maybe that's not reason enough to not send me to hell. All right, Harlan, thanks. Oh, boy, Michael, Michael, Michael, thank you for your call. And it just, it comforts me to know.

And Michael had such a nice, friendly voice. I'm sure he's a great guy. And I try to think of myself as a great guy, but it comforts me to know that when I'm standing at the gates of hell in front of Lucifer, who, by the way, has a fork in his hand, when I'm standing there for my theft of two or three plastic Chipotle forks, I will be there with another nice person who stole napkins, a napkin thief. I am a notorious napkin thief.

Notorious napkin, he sounds like one of those old day like Jesse James kind of train robbers from the Wild Wild West. Well, I'll tell you, Slim, that Michael, he's a notorious napkin thief. I'll tell you what. We used to have napkins in this here saloon till Michael came riding through. Well, that's cool. What you want is a napkin thief with some attitude, with some expertise. I'd love it if Satan said to Michael. Satan goes.

Michael, you will burn an eternity for stealing all the napkins. And then Michael just says... Stick over my glove box. What did you say to me, mortal? Stick over my glove box. You dare to tell me the Lord of Darkness to stick napkins in my glove box? Who knows? How dare you, mortal?

Stick over my glove box. All right. Well, there you go. A bunch of thieves on the show today. We're all a bunch of bad thieves. And you know what? Screw it. Screw the penance. You know what? Let's just all forgive ourselves. You know what? I forgive myself for the forks. Forgive Michael for the napkins. Forgive everyone else for the cashews, for the whatever you stole. Screw it. No, just kidding. But thank you for sharing. Thank you for calling. And if you want to call in, 223-739, 43330. I surely hope none of us go to hell for these small little incidents.

We're just too good for that, man. 323-739-43330 is the phone number if you want to leave a message. Love to hear from you pavement pounders. Hi, what's up? Also, you can write me at harlornombs.com. We have a contact link there. can write to me. And also, while you're at harlanwilms.com, check out our store.

We have all kinds of great merchandise there. We can send to you, t-shirts, books, music videos, DVDs, artwork, you name it. We got it. What else? Don't forget to join up for our free app on your cell phone. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harlan Highway. You can join for free.

And it's a great deal, man. Also, you can become a premium member for $20 a month. Just go to harloweems.com. Go to the app page or the podcast page. And you will be directed from there how to join the premium membership. $20 a year. You get all kinds of bonus material, stand-up comedy shows that I do, special stuff with characters.

My other podcast called Let's Have a Fight. Actually, it's coming up very soon. We have an episode of Let's Have a Fight. coming up very, very soon, and you are going to love it. So jump on onto the premium package membership and get in on the bonus fun. And don't forget, down the road, I will be reading to my premium members the short story of the water hose time machine. Now, give me a little time to work on it, but that's coming up. up. So there you go. Hey, thanks for being here today. Please no stealing. No more stealing.

Stick over my glove box. And that includes me. No more stealing. No more free forks. Go fork yourself. And that's it. Thank you for being here, everyone. I hope you had a great time. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway podcast. Let's get everyone on board for the fun. and until next time, everybody. Chicken Chowmaine, baby! Stick over my glove box.