The Harland Highway - 802 - Sex, insects, ringtones, and dirty SEXTING!

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

Harland enters the cicada sex orgy zone. SPECIAL ringtone hell. Dirty SEXTING. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello everybody. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. My name is Harlem Williams, and I'm feeling kind of sexy. Oh yeah, I'm feeling kind of sexy. This is the Harlan Highway podcast. You are my special guests here today on this nutty-n-none. podcast and I am your host. My name is Harlem Williams and we'll be spending some time here today talking about some fun things. I'm going to be focusing on sounds a little bit during

this podcast. Interesting sounds that I think some of you might be able to relate to or maybe not be able to relate to. But nonetheless, we're going to be to be to be going to be talking about that. Maybe read a couple of letters from the Harland Highway Mailbag. I know you, you wonderful listeners like to write in now and then and ask me questions or make statements or just tell me to go F myself. No, no, no, no, never that, never that. So yeah, we're going to have a good little podcast today. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for being here and let's kick it off with a little adventure I went on

outside just recently you know with summer coming to an end and fall blowing in that's my best fall I do impressions of seasons I don't do voices I don't do celebrity voices I do seasons

This is fall blowing in, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you very much. Try the ribs. No, but I was out walking because, you know, it was a beautiful day, and I wanted to, I wanted to wallow in the sunshine and the sounds of summer and the feel of summer. You know, and you're standing out there in a short-sleeved shirt and the air is warmer than your body temperature and you just feel you just feel like there's there's no barriers between you and

the elements it's just it's so nice to move and flow and warm weather you're unencumbered you're not uncomfortable and so i literally went out for a walk and i went and i sat under a tree i was touring in kansas as in kansas city missouri i was in missouri like you know the farm belt So, you know, fields and grass and trees all around. And I thought, damn it, I want to get out and just enjoy it. So I went at the peak of the day, like 3 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock in that window. Where the sun was high and the air was warm and clouds were drifting by. and I went on this walk and I ended up kind of stepping into a bit of a sexual situation.

Yeah, I walked right into the middle of some hot, steamy sex. I don't know if you've ever done this, but I'll tell you what, when I was out in the field, when I was out on my walk, I actually kind of recorded the situation. and I'm going to play that for you right now because it was a little weird. It was a little weird. I'm a full-grown man, you know, kind of getting in the middle of some weird and interesting sex. So here it is. I hope this isn't too dirty for you, okay?

Whoa, listen to that. I'm sitting here. under a tree and uh you know it's the end of summer and i'm hearing this noise and apparently it's it's a cicada call listen good lord it's a cicada if you don't know what a cicada is it's a big long creepy-looking fly huge fly with big red eyes. It looks like it's been possessed by Satan. They got big wings. And I guess this time of year, they get horny. These damn cicadas get all jacked up. All they want to do is plow. And I guess I've been told that that high-pitched creepy noises, their mating call. and so I'm sitting here

right in the middle of a pervert session or something I'm sitting here some guys, you know, getting all jacked up to call out his girlfriend or something It's pretty creepy It's gone kind of quiet here for a minute Uh oh No, that's coming from another tree

but it's pretty blatant I mean imagine if humans were that that blunt if they wanted to you know tap that booty or have a booty call or power pound imagine all you had to do as a human

is climb up into a tree and just got e I mean, God, if only were that easy. You can get rid of all these dating apps, Tinder and Bumble and Match.com. Hey, man, I'm feeling like I need a little action in the bedroom. I think I'll climb up this pine tree. Hang on.

so uh i don't know it sounds like it's stopped there's one in the distance so maybe this guy attracted you know maybe maybe that horrible shriek actually attracted a haughty and maybe he's stopped because he's like right over my head and the branches getting it on plowing making some red-eyed bug sacks did you imagine having sex with something with Big bulging, red eyes just staring at you. Got to be like making love to Damien's Rottweiler. Yikes! All right, well, I'd better get out of here

while the going's good before the Hornfest starts again. I just wanted to kind of let you guys know. I'm just sitting outside. I went for a little walk. And I sat down under a tree. Nice green grass. You know, I figured, you know, with the warm weather almost gone, I want to absorb the, you know, this summertime feel like it's a real hot day.

Ooh, listen. Ooh, I should call him back. See what happens. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see if I get a response. I figure if I don't get it within a few seconds. Oh.

Oh. Oh, it worked. Listen to that. I got a call back. I got the cicada swipe left on me, man. E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-------------------------------------------------------l. I'll let you-l, let you guys share in my little afternoon walk, sitting under a tree in the sunshine, right in the middle. of cicada sex oh god

it was kind of weird it was weird being out there and you know for the person that's not familiar with cicada sex you know you could just imagine someone who's not local wandering around they're hearing they're like what

Henry what the hell is that do these people put their car alarms and trees? But I hear a car alarm up in the tree. Do they park their cars in the trees? So there you go. A little greasy, a little weird,

but, you know, this is the world we live in. And speaking of sounds and speaking of opposite sex, here's another sound that I find kind of curious, and some of you might have gone down this road. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, As you know with your cell phones, you have the ability to assign certain little ringtones to certain people in your phone book.

So for most of your friends and people you work with, it's probably just, you know, the regular phone ring that you have. But for that special someone, are you like me? Like you put in a special ringtone so you know it's them calling? Like, it's, instead of just like, bring, bring, bring, tring. Instead of that for everyone,

for your special somebody, you've got a, you do, doodoo-d-d-d-l-de-d-le-d-d-d-le-d-d-le-d-le-d-le-le-d. You know, some kind of, some kind of special little thing. And here's what's interesting about them.

Because most of the time, I think when you, when you enter those into your cell phone, it's at the beginning of a relationship, right? You're like, oh, my God, this girl is so special. Oh, my God, I've got a new girlfriend. I can't wait to hear from her. Oh, my God, I just, I'm so nuts about this girl.

I think she could be the one. Oh, my God, I got to give her a special, I'm going to give her a special ringtone. So every time she calls, it'll go, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, yeah, that's it, that's it right there. And so over the first, like, you know, a few weeks, maybe the first few months, oh my God, every time you hear that, your heart just goes a flutter. You've got butterflies, maybe even have cicadas flying around inside you.

You're like, oh, my God, it's her, it's her, it's her. Oh, my God. Oh, she's calling me. Oh, she's texting me. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm going crazy. Oh, I'm so glad she got back to me. Right?

And it's your special little ringtone. Just, it's so special. It's your special girl or your special friend or whoever. You just, oh, you're so excited to hear it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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have fun don't throw your back out but then yes friends yes i hate to go there but then as often happens when you're mixed up with another person emotionally maybe things just start to get a little boring maybe things start to get a little tired maybe things start getting a little annoying Maybe they start getting repetitive, maybe they start getting overbearing, maybe the other person's worn out their welcome a little bit, maybe you're not that enthused to hear from them as much as you used to be at the beginning. But yet, you've already committed to... And now when that fucking thing goes off,

instead of being all a flutter And you feel like skipping down the street and whistling Now you hear And you kind of stop mid-step You know like when you're trying to sneak through a house quietly And you step on the creaking floorboard And you just freeze All of a sudden you hear

And you're like Oh my God, is that her? Oh, fuck! I was going to watch football by myself today and order a pizza. Oh, shit, I was going to go out with my other buddies and my other friends, and, oh, man, I just wanted to be left alone tonight. And you're like, oh, right? That special little, special little ringtone that made you wistful and light on your feet is now like a, ball and chain man it's like you hear that thing and you're like ah it's like claws on a chalkboard

it's a cell phone you're just freak it out you're like damn it she got me and you think well i can just ignore it i don't have to it's it's a cell phone i don't have to it's not her it's a machine it's a device i don't have to answer it and so you don't you avoid it for what five six maybe seven minutes it's really not easy to get into the double digits before you're like oh fuck i guess what gang you got to answer it yeah yeah yeah you can maybe get away with ignoring it once but twice oh and then when that cell phone calls out to you a third time you're like oh damn it you're like oh damn it like a coyote that put

put his foot in a trap it's like you know you better answer it because they know that you heard it why didn't you answer your phone why didn't you text me back I texted you three or four times well I don't know why wouldn't you

are you seeing someone else is there someone there? Oh I'm not important enough oh I see okay okay sure okay so fuck you right and so that that sweet little innocent ringtone that that you thought was leading to so many things has now become your master and you've become the slave and it drives you nuts it's a complete turnaround have you done it and you can't you can't get rid of it i mean if you get

rid of it you feel guilty or you feel like you're going to get caught or who knows Oh, it could be a curse, it could be a blessing. I mean, this is the thing cell phones have done. They've opened up this whole new world to us. These types of things didn't happen in the old days on a rotary phone. Or when a cell phone just had one ringtone, but now, oh no. Now there's all these little things that can come back and get you. How about this?

Anybody done any sexting? You couldn't do that with a rotary phone. You couldn't hold a rotary phone or a keypad phone up to your junk and take a picture of it. You sure can now, man. How many of you have been sexted or have tried sexting? Oh yeah, I won't deny it. I've been sexted. I've been sexted some wonderful pictures, believe me.

I've been sexted pictures that would probably shepherds. Shut down Playboy and Hustler for being obscene. That's, I mean, good Lord. And look, no offense to the ladies, maybe a little bit of praise. I'm finding that women really love to sex. Like, and sometimes quickly, you know, it's like, you think, you know, you meet someone, you get their number. You think maybe you'll start texting to them, get texting with them.

you get to know them. Maybe you'll go on a few dates, maybe five, six, seven, eight, nine dates, maybe somewhere down the road. They'll send you a naughty picture. Maybe, you know, maybe they've pulled the edge of their skirt up or maybe, you know, a little peek at their cleavage. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The ladies, and I've talked to my guy friends about this, the ladies are, the ladies are hungry to show it all, man. I've met ladies and I know some of my buddies have met ladies within hours within hours of meeting someone new you turn on your phone's like hello

I see me some breastuses I see me some assises I see me some Vigee Gs oh my God it is I don't know if it I don't know what it is. I'm trying to get into the mindset of women.

I wonder if they're like, well, I better show this guy my stuff really quick before he moves on to someone else. I better show him what I got. I better show him the goodies because, you know, I don't want some other girl sexting him before I do. I don't know if it's a competitive thing. I just don't know if women are more free with their bodies. But damn.

You know, you're turning all of us into Hugh Hefner's ladies. It's no wonder Playboy and all these magazines are going out of business. What dude needs to read Playboy when he can just look through his phone and see Miss January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, September, February, and all right there. Yay, aye, aye, aye, yeah, Santa Maria. But wait, wait, wait, let's not just stop with the ladies. How about you guys? Have you sexted to your ladies? It's not easy.

I tried it, man. I tried. I didn't really, but this is, you know, for the sake of the comedy bit. I'm one guy for the record that will never sext. But for this comedy bit, I'm going to say that I have.

So here I go. Oh, yeah, I've sexted. He's a fake. I've, oh, man, I've sexted. And it's not easy when you're a guy. Because, look, for women, you clearly have two breasts. You know what they are. Either they're breasts or the idiot you're sending them to thinks you somehow got real close to an owl,

and he's looking into owl eyes. Okay, there's no mistaking the woman's lower nether region, the Bermuda Triangle. But for a guy, good Lord, the penis just hangs with the nutbag. It's a clunky thing. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, if you don't have the lighting. And the angle, just right, it becomes very ambiguous. I mean, it doesn't look like a penis. It looks like roadkill.

If it's too shadowy and at a weird peculiar eye, it looks like roadkill. You know the kind you've seen it? It's like a squirrel on the road. And the back end of its body is completely flat, but the pressure pushed all his innards up into the front part of his body. So he's got that one eye that's popping out of the side of his head. right it's got that one bulgy eye sticking up

that looks like the tip of the I mean it's just the penis does not look good not at you know you almost got to enroll at DeVry and take a class in photography welcome to the art

of photographing the penis today we'll be practicing low light photography from a wide angle so as to capture the girth, the venous, and the mushroom cap in all its majesty. You know what I mean? It's like, whoa. And so, you know, you got these horrible pictures of your wiener,

and then you sexed them, and they're in your phone. And I accidentally, this, oh, my God, this, I don't know if any of you other guys done this, I accidentally sexted the picture of my junk to my mother. Oh my God. I accidentally sexted my mother. And she texted me back. She goes, Harland, are you at SeaWorld? And I'm like, what, what? I had to cover. I was like, I texted her back. I go, yes, mother, we're at SeaWorld. And she goes, oh my goodness is that a moray eel you know our father your father and i saw one of those when we went snorkeling in the bahamas oh it was it was like it was almost tame it came right out of its cave it swam right up to us when we were stroking it i'm like no god don't say that it was wonderful it was long and it it actually wrapped itself around my neck at one point it was just so so that the texture of that eel it was and i'm like oh stop delete so there you go man and like I said I've never sexted anyone it's not I just I'm

too nervous maybe I'm not confident enough maybe I just don't want to do it I don't want the world to see my junk my junk is for special people and and the other thing is it's not like dudes delete the naked pictures of the girls And I doubt the girls delete the naked pictures of the guys that just hang in your phone forever. So you could lose your phone. You could end up getting pissed off at someone. Maybe someone's embittered and they put your private parts on Facebook. Who knows?

I don't want random pictures of my family jewels appearing on LinkedIn. I don't want to Google my own nuts one day and see them on Google images. Thank you for putting those up, whoever it was. Thank you. You know what I'm saying? So sexting and ringtones and cicada sex, it's all there. It's all nutty and it's all there. I don't know.

Do you guys have the courage to sex? And maybe it isn't that easy for women. Here I am being presumptuous. Maybe, you know, maybe, you know, I think the breasts are a pretty good topic, you know, subject for photography. But now that I think of it, the Vaj could potentially be rough. I mean, if you're doing an overhead view of it, like kind of the Google Earth shot, you know, in the wrong. lighting. It could, and I don't mean any offense. Now, this isn't to degrade you, but I'm just saying from an optical point of view, from above, someone could misread it as an aerial shot of

the Grand Canyon. I don't know. Is that possible? Could it be, you know, misinterpreted as someone thinking there's a sea cucumber laying on the beach? I'm just asking. Could someone think maybe they were, someone was at a Chinese restaurant and took a picture of a dumpling? I don't know. A little dumpling? You know how at the top they're, forget it.

I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. Oh, God. You know, I was going to do so. I was going to dip into the mailbag and read some letters, but I don't think anyone's going to be able to concentrate a, A dumpling on the beach? Are you kidding me? Oh, there goes my phone.

Oh, I'll leave it right there. We just got carried away. Anyways, gang, if you want to hear some more laughter and have some more fun with yours truly, you know, you can always come and see me. I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. That's right, the Pittsburgh Improv. That's going to be coming up, geez, in about two weeks.

That'll be September 10. September 10, I'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv, right through the weekend into the beginning of October, October 1st and 2nd. So that's Thursday through, or Friday through Sunday, at the Pittsburgh Improv. and then let's see where else in october you can also find me in minnesota at the mall of america the house of comedy great club that's october six to october ninth and then i love this club man

back to california october 20th to the 23rd i'm in san jose california oh i love san jose beautiful club you got to get out there and see me in san jose it's like it's like an old uh Opera house. It's like a great big theater with balconies and just fantastic. Also, if you want to join our premium membership here at the Harland Highway, all kinds of great features. I should give you an update. You know, I told you I was going to write a story about the water hose, the water hose time machine. And gang, I have been going at it. I'm already at almost 50. 50 pages. I don't even know if it can be considered a short story anymore. I got so immersed in this story. I got so sucked into it that I'm having a great time writing it and I can't stop. I think this thing's going to be 60 pages by the time I'm finished, but it's almost done. And I'm going to read it to you guys on the Harland Highway podcast, but if you join the premium membership, you'll be able to get all of it in its entirety.

because for the regular listeners, I'm going to do like 10 minutes every week until we get to the end of it. But if you're a premium member, you can get it right away. 20 bucks a year to be a premium member. So go to my website, harlandwiliams.com, and you can click on the app page

or you can click on the podcast page and it'll tell you how to join 20 bucks a year get you my other podcast let's have a fight it gets you live comedy clips it gets you rare interviews it gets you the whole backlog of the harland highway starting from episode one i mean come on 20 bucks a year also get our app our free app in your app store just click the harland highway and you get the the latest 50 episodes of the show absolutely free and all the features that come with the app so you're going to love that ladies and snordle gloggins. And what else can I tell you?

Write to me if you want at harlowewilms.com. If you want to send me a letter, there's also a phone number on the website where you can call me and leave me a voicemail. Maybe I'll put your message on the air. I love hearing from y'all. And that's it. We'll leave it right there.

Or you know what? Sexed me. Even though you don't have my phone number. Just pretend. and as I said, I've never sexted, but I had to say I did for the comedy bit. Hope you liked it.

All right, gang. Hey, thanks for being here. Great having you guys along for the ride. Hope you're enjoying yourself. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway and we'll hang it up right here. Until next time, my friends. And check.

Chicken. Chalman, baby.