The Harland Highway - 803 - Human RABIES. Harland does STAND UP. Pissed off at TV.

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

Harland does a live stand up show for you to hear. Do you have rabies? Pissed off at TV anchor people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God, what a show we have today. Oh, my God. I don't know why I'm talking like a valley girl, but maybe I'm a valley girl, and maybe, you know, I'm just trying to let it out. Actually, this is the Harlan Highway podcast, and I'm not a valley girl, okay? I'm a mountain man.

Hey, you can hear all kinds of fun stuff on today's show. I'm going to be talking about getting rabies. have you ever had rabies ladies and gentlemen if you're shaking your head and saying no harland i've never had rabies well in my valley girl voice i'll say yes you have you have you have had rabies wait till i tell you how you've had rabies uh also um one of my pissed off sections my rants where i get pissed off yes i'm going to be getting pissed off at something today you will hear me go off about it believe me and then uh a little treat

for you folks, something I normally save for the premium members, but I want to give you guys another sample of what we do on the premium side of things. It's me doing a quick stand-up comedy set live at the Improv Comedy Club in Hollywood, California. You'll get to hear me working on some new material, spritzing with the crowd. It's going to be a whole lot of fun. And then a little tribute at the end of the show to the late great Gene Wilder, and there you go. Get ready. This is the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this?

Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it?

Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, okay.

Raj, let's start this off because I'm not going to have a good podcast if I don't get this off my chest. Okay, there's something that's irritating me, something that's getting under my skin. You guessed it, ladies, and gnergle, gnarg, glargans. Something is pissing me off. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. And you're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch.

You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Okay, okay, here it is. Here it is. As we know, it's election season, okay? There's a lot of speeches going on. There's speeches by Hillary. There's speeches by Donald Trump.

There's speeches by President Obama. There's speeches by the vice presidential candidates. There's bombings going off. There's terrorism. There's speeches by police chiefs. There's speeches by city mayors. There's speeches by, you name it, everyone's given a speech. Okay?

And what's pissing me off, ladies, and gnargle glorgans. Is you'll be watching the news, and, you know, they'll be building you up for 10 to go. In 20 minutes, President Obama will be making a speech from the White House in three minutes from now Donald Trump will be giving a speech about his military policy and in five minutes from now

Hillary Clinton will be talking about her email scandal whatever it is right so you're sitting there you go oh you've got my interest I want to hear about this I want to see what this is all about I'm very interested you piqued my interest you idiots

so I stick around and I wait for the speech to start and what happens is all of a sudden the speech starts and the news anchor is sitting there still talking, well, the speech starts. And the idiot news anchor is telling you that the speech is starting and telling you what the person giving the speech is going to talk about

while the person giving the speech is giving the speech. They're like, oh, well, it looks like we're live here. It looks like President Obama is giving a, a speech on the ISIS terrorist problem. It looks like he's probably going to be talking about how we combat it, our defenses. And in the background, you're seeing President Obama on TV talking live to the audience.

And meanwhile, this news anchor just keeps going. So it's probably going to be an important speech. And who knows what he's going to say? And I'm like, well, if you'd shut up and just throw to the speech, you idiot, We could hear what he's saying because he's giving the speech right now. Well, you're blabbering away. Oh, God, it just infuriates me. Can you hear how mad I am?

I mean, just the minute you see, the person you've been telling us is going to give a speech, the second you see them giving the speech, just shut your piehole news anchors and go, oh, they're talking, let's go and listen right now. But instead, they sit there and they talk over it and you miss like the first three minutes of the speech because these idiots are telling you that somebody's giving a speech and that they're going to show it to you, but they're not showing it to you because they're busy telling you how much they're going to show it to you. Okay.

I think I feel good. I think I think I vented there. So I'll use newscasters that listen to my show, and I know all of you do. Yeah, right, not. Just shut up, throw to the speech. us hear what's being said live in the moment and shut your pie hole. Thank you. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

And speaking of communicating, you know, I'm always telling you guys you got to get on the premium content. You got to join the premium package for $20 a year. And a few podcasts back, I played you a little clip of my... podcast that's exclusive for uh premium members it's called let's have a fight and it's verbal fights and uh it's a ton of fun so that's for premium members and one of the other things i offer on the premium uh network here for 20 bucks a year did i say that already is uh i offer live live clips of my stand-up comedy shows it's me working on new material it's me it's me spritzing with the

crowd. It's me trying new bits. And I'm going to play one for you just so you folks that don't have the premium membership can get a sampling, get a taste of what you're missing and the fun. And in this stand-up comedy clip, it's about a 12, maybe 15-minute clip. And it's interesting because last podcast you heard me talking about sexting. I was talking about sexting and how it can go. wrong and how hard it is and all this and that. And so you'll hear me take that bit that I did on the podcast and take it on the stand-up

comedy stage during this stand-up set and test it on a crowd as a new bit that I do. And I had a lot of fun doing it and a lot of other fun things happened. So here it is. Here's a sample of yours truly live. This is recorded just last night at the Hollywood Imphemy. Improv, the world famous Hollywood Improv in Hollywood, California. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope if you like it, you'll join the premium membership so you can hear a lot more. Here we go. Play it, Raj.

Put our hands together, the one and only, Harlan, William. Thank you. Hi, Jay, give a head to my son, man, here's a fly. We were canoeing about an hour ago if it seemed a little tired. We were up canoeing in the Los Angeles River, that big cement channel way. We hit a few corpses and some shopping carts. What a treat. Good to see, everyone.

Welcome to the fall, my fall concert series. Thank you for being here. Anyone from Utah? Let's get started. Anyone from Salt Lake City? Good. It's good to be back. I was just in Salt Lake City. Lake City and not the most diverse culture out there. It's nice to see somebody, I see some

African American, they see some Asian, they see some Latinos. I was in, this is for real, I was in Salt Lake City last week. You won't believe this later. I went to a Black Lives Matter rally. I was the black guy. I asked the cab driver, he said, hey, take me to Chinatown. I ended up with a food court of Pandexpress, sucking on a spring roll. What the hell is that all about, thank? Tradecrank players. I went to IKEA.

You got to go to IKEA in a hall. That's when they do all their sales. Do you ever go to IKEA Love? You've never been? Oh, you got to go. What's that man? Three miles. You live three miles from Ikea if you have you ever been to it?

Yeah, so you've got to go to the falls when all the sales are happening. Maybe you look like you could use some new stuff. First of all, it's the biggest building I've ever seen in my life. How big? It's like the size of nine football fields. I feel like they should be parking blimps inside of IKEA. It's so huge. It's like a, it's like a Home Depot and a Walmart got drunk one night.

Focked and had a chubby Swedish kid. There's wild stuff. I go in and first thing you see in like, have you been good guy? Because you're looking like you'd rather be out playing with a dead deer's clit or something. This guy just like... to IKEA? You know what it's when you get in and right away you're insulted. There's a hallway, okay? The hallway is like, I don't know, 18, maybe 22 feet wide. And you're like, okay, hallway, here I go. And then these ass munches have the balls to put an arrow on the floor of the hallway. Like I'm mentally challenged. I don't know how to use a 22-foot wide hallway. Thanks. Ikea. I think he's left a little harder. So I get in this place, and I'm five minutes down the hallway, man.

I remember I said the hallway just a minute ago. And all of a sudden, I started thinking to myself, am I Swedish? Right, because I start reading the signs. I want to buy some. I want to buy a chair. I want to buy a couch. I want to buy a bookshelf. And I'm reading the signs, and I'm totally confused.

I don't understand the language. I call the guy and go, Sarah, excuse me, do you have any more of these wonderful Nord de Glartons over here? I'd like to purchase for my living room, please. And there's so much stuff in IKEA.

You're overwhelmed by the amount of product. You just feel obligated to buy something. You've got to buy something. And so I bought bump beds, I realized I fucking live alone, why? And I bought, I brought my friends over. I'm like, guys, what do you think? How do you like my new kid?

No, did that I didn't. Okay. Get that one? Cut down. I'm going to do another one, just because she encouraged me. I also bought, for the living. I'm like a glorg to snagleth. You want another one?

No one else is fucking laughing. I might as well. Zoned an end of the source, right? Digi gliding, the gildargett. I'll throw one in later on the set. Just got an enormous for you. You're like my giggle buddy.

I got me a giggle. I got me a giggle buddy. Most kids have a teddy ruckspin. I got a giggle buddy. Man, if you could stop flapping your menu, it makes me think you're wafting a merry calendar's meatloaf art my way. See you're just flapping her fucking, right? Merry calendar's meatloaf bark.

You've probably done one. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I mean? It's just, it's, and it's for my eye, it throws my whole act up. That's probably why people weren't laughing, because you were walking your noxious gases all over the room. Man, if you could not look so bored, I'm going to shout back. There's a bubblegum Sally over here.

You're reading the fucking Nancy Burt novel while I do my eye. Get my... Dibber-a-dardtit. I swear to my giggle buddy. If the rest of you laugh, you'll be my giggle buddy still. Aww, you like that term, right? You're like, you're my giggle buddy. Aw, see?

I liked that. I did a show in Minnesota once. I was in Minnesota, this is a real story. This isn't part of my accent. I don't care if you laugh at this bullshit. I did, I was doing an hour show. Like, tonight I'd get 12. Like, tonight I get 12 minutes.

You get 12 minutes of this fucking slab of bees, baby. But in Minnesota, I had an hour show to do, and I'm on stage. And normally the laughs come when I do the punchline, right? I do the punchline. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, right? So I'm halfway through the joke. I'm in what's called the setup, ladies and gentlemen. Like, I'm talking about something.

And in the middle of the setup, the whole audience, do what she did. On the count of three, I want everyone to go, Oh, ready? One, two, three. I was like, what the fuck? And I swear to God, I looked behind me. There was a little mouse I'm saying. Like a live mouse.

It's like the cutest comedy woman ever recorded. Kid like it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and free. Fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to

check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer, specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But any families here tonight? Anyone have a family? Can I think about stuff to your face turn my eye? You brought your whole family, mom, dad, who else? Who else you got? Wait, can I answer a question? Yes, my love. I was a man, yeah. Did you like that movie, man?

Are you stoner? You can tell me your parents are here. They don't care. I don't care that you're jacked up on hallucinogenic. How about you got a family onion twister? It's a nickname. I'm a higgled buddy, onion twister. It's terriac.

concrete clit. You'll get one. You'll get one. If I've got him, Sally, over here. No, I'm waiting on you, guy. I'm waiting on you. I'm low-point in the chamber for this guy. You have a family?

I have parents and a little brother. You have parents and a little brother, man. New splash shop. That's a family. D-Nar-Din-N-D-D. is it a retarded family man it was an onion twister but what I wanted to get at

has anyone done Ancestry.com Has anyone been on Ancestry.com? Bubblegum Sally? No, anyone? Ancestry.com? You did it. Oh! What did you find out, my love?

It's fascinating, right? What did you find out? My family was like, Your family is slave. All right, thanks for bringing the show to a screech of cult. And now for some hilarious slave jokes. Wow, that's intense, right? What part of the country were they slaves?

Was it down south? Florida? Where? Virginia. Virginia. Wow, that's heavy. I'd love to talk to you more, but I don't have enough time. but which last name or look you up on Ancester.com?

Smith. Oh. Were they white slaves now? Were they British white slaves? I say, I wish you'd stop whipping me. I'd like to go to tea, babe. I threw a stutter on that one for my goodness. But here's the deal, ma'am, if you could not pick your nose and doing that.

I went on Ancestry.com and it's a little intimidating because you don't know what you're going to find out. And it blew my mind how deep this crap goes. I got on Ancestry.com, right out of the gate, guy, freaked me out. I couldn't believe it. Turns out my grandmother is my dad. Turns out we come from a log line of assholes. We didn't even have a family tree. It was just a picture of a cactus with pricks all over it.

On my mother's side, a golden retriever. On my dad's side, mint chocolate chip. Did you send in your DNA? Did you send in the... I don't send in your DNA. Turns out on the hillside mangler. Turns out I'm the fuck of the shock Kennedy in 64. How about that?

I'm books and titles of tourists. How are you, man, you like sticking garlic bread on your eyes and pretending you're a garlic? You're sending you a garlic owl? You will, you will. You will. Like, what the fuck? Help me out, David, buddy. All right, how much time do I got?

Where's the sound guys? Are you there? Talk? You there? What do I got, guy? One minute. One minute. Let's wrap it up with a one-minuteer. Let's like a one-minute comedy sandwich, gang. Anybody sexting? You ever sexed Boo Radley?

You know boo Radley is right, but he's you, yeah. I know that. That's why I said it. Still looking up for you, guys. Anyone sexed at all? Girl, you've fumblegum, Sally, you've sexted. Look at you. You've got to written, have you sexed it? Be honest. Maybe. Okay. You're a pretty girl. I believe it. I've been all of you have. Girls love to do it. And with girls, it's okay because girls, you know, it's pretty easy. You know, you've got the beautiful breastesses. You've got the Bermuda Triangle. It ain't tough. It ain't tough. But when it comes to dudes, man, I did a sex like two weeks ago. My first one, and the penis is not a very easy subject to photograph. I mean, it just hangs. there like a fucking rotten banana, you know what I mean? It's like you need to take like a photography course and drive. If the lighting and the angle isn't right, it looks like roadkill, you know? Did you ever see that one other half end, back into the squirrel is flat

and all its inters have been pushed up and one of his eyes is bulging up? And here's where it got crazy. I accidentally sexted my mother. I sent the freaking thing to my mother. My mother texts me back right away. She goes, son, are you at SeaWorld? I'm like, yes, I'm at SeaWorld. She goes, oh, we love Moray Eels.

Me and your father saw someone. We were snorkeling in the Bahamas, front of the pit right out of his feet, and we were stroking it. I don't feel like that was a minute. I feel like I got, what, about 18 seconds left? Huh? And probably I just used four of it saying that.

So I think I have time for one more. Folks, God bless you. Happy holidays. Thank you. Thank you. You so, Lord. I know. I know.

Oh, they're sweet. I love the Smiths. Give the Smiths a hand. All right. All right. So there are you. Right. So there you go. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Bring it on down, Roj. Bring it on down. There's a little sampling.

You know, that's me kind of working out bits at the stand-up comedy club. You know, it's a weeknight. There's probably, probably, you know, maybe 40 people there, maybe 50 tops. So it's not a lot of folks. And, you know, it's hard. hard to get the laughs going, and so you work on new stuff, you put your neck on the chopping block, and you have a little fun. So I thought you'd enjoy that. And, you know, if you sign up to my premium membership, you will hear a lot more of this type of stuff. And I usually only post fresh material, new material, crowd work, stuff that I try not to repeat stuff that you've heard before. So that way, you're, you're kind of, you're kind of seen my comedy act unfold as

I'm creating it. Because as comedians, we're always creating, generating new material, new topics. And, uh, and what's fun about listening to it here, you can kind of hear how painful it is sometimes when, when new stuff doesn't work. So I hope you enjoyed that. And, uh, let's get back to our regular programming here, because I wanted to talk about, um, Um, jeez, if any of you had rabies, I know, odd question, right? Have any of you had freaking rabies? Well, for those of you that say you haven't, uh, guess again, sunshine, you have. And I've had it.

We've all had it. We've had it many times. Here's what I'm talking about. When you're brushing your teeth at night, when you're standing over the sink and you're grinding away on your gums and your lips and your teeth and your molars and your wisdom teeth and your incisors and your canines and all of it your bicuspids is that a tooth i'm somewhere on the back of my brain the the word bicuspid is coming out i don't know maybe it is sounds it sounds like a tooth um but what what cracks me up is a lot of times i'll finish brushing my

teeth i'll do my last spit into the sink i'll rinse my my toothbrush off, and then I look up in the mirror, and boom, I've got rabies. And when I say rabies, you know, they say when animals get rabies, they start foaming at the mouth. Well, what happens when I look up in the mirror, I've got a foam ring of toothpaste around my mouth. It's just foamed, and I've got a mustache and a beard, so it looks even crazier. I look like one of those Arctic explorers that you see out in the ice on National Geographic and they got their frozen beards with ice in their beards. But I've got like crest ultralight.

I'm not an Arctic explorer. I'm a dental hygienist explorer. I've got I've got Coldgate. I've got the multicolored whatever that crazy, you know, it's white and red. and blue. Like the candy cane. I've got a froth on my mouth. Like I just tip back to a big mug of beer with a big white head on it.

I've got rabie mouth. I've got this circle of, looks like I've been eating a cloud. Looks like I broke into a bakery and I was sucking on a lemon meringue pie or something. I'm just like, ah, kujo, my name is. Kujo. I hope I don't have any cavities. I mean, God, it's just, it's just messy.

It's horrible and it's messy. I look like a zombie or someone that I should be walking down the street. I'm foaming at the mouth. Don't worry if I bite your throat. I had a very clean checkup at the dentist last time I was there. even though I will eat your throat I have no cavities so I don't know

can you call it rabies you look like a frothing madman a lunatic and it's kind of messy you know it's kind of like the last thing you do before you go to bed you got to get a washcloth and wipe your face clear away the rabies your own mouth

is biting at your own hand because you've got the rabies. Easy, easy, boy, easy. You have to take yourself behind the bathtub and shoot yourself, put yourself out of your misery because you have rabies. You have Coldgate crest, aqua fresh rabies. So I don't know. I just find it startling and kind of ridiculous.

The last thing I see before I go to bed is me looking like, Santa Claus. Well, it's 11 o'clock. I better hit the sack. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You know what I'll do? I'll just stop brushing my teeth. Then I don't have to deal with it, right?

Then all this bacteria will grow. Then I'll get halitosis and gingivitis, and my gums will start to get eaten alive. And then that bacteria will multiply and start getting into my blood. and I'll start coursing through my blood and my blood will get diseased and then my skin will start to die

and wait a minute that's how zombies start that's what started the Walking Dead that's what creates zombies if you don't brush your teeth so you have a choice rabies at night or eventually becoming

the Walking Dead a zombie What is that a handker to? Nothing, that's nothing. There's nothing, why can't I see that? My blanket, my blue blanket. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Here, here, here, don't back, don't know.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue. blanket. It's not important. It's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. Oh, a little nod, a little tribute to close out the show to the late great Gene Wilder who passed away just days ago, maybe a week, a week and a half ago, Gene Wilder, Willie Wonka. I mean, blazing saddles. You Young Frankenstein, Haunted Honeymoon, the woman in red, stir crazy.

I mean, the list goes on and on. Just a really genuine, funny, hilarious comedic actor. And he was part of my growing up. He was part of my youth. One little, you know, stroll down memory lane here. is um when i was a little kid my dad uh my dad used to take me on these road trips sometimes or you know we we'd we'd go off together father and son time and i think we're in virginia or something like that and um you know my dad was like well son let's go to a movie tonight and we

went to see young frankenstein a mel brooks movie starring jean wilder and my dad's a quirky guy my dad's one of these guys that doesn't laugh very easy and when he does laugh he laughs at the strangest parts he laughs at the parts that nobody else laughs at and he and he has this kind of loud like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha kind of laugh like he kind of can't miss it and so i remember as a little boy i was probably like eight or nine years old and i'm sitting in this dark theater in Virginia. It's a packed house. We're watching young Frankenstein.

And people are laughing and my dad's really loving it and he was pulling these laughs in the middle of the movie when no one else was laughing. And he was like I just remember Gene Wilder being so hilarious and my dad's crazy

laugh and just a fond memory. And you know, RIP to Gene Wilder who brought so much joy and laughter to so many people, just a very talented, funny human being. And I want to say thank you for the memories. Thank you for the joy, the laughter. And I hope you're in the big movie theater in the sky, Gene.

God bless you, man. And we'll end it. We'll end it right there. By the way, if you're wondering what that clip was from, that was one of Gene Wilder's early, earliest movies called The Producers. And that, again, was another Mel Brooks movie, and that went on to be a big Broadway play with, I guess it was Matthew Broderick and someone else on Broadway.

But it was one of those hot tickets for about five years where you could not get a seat to see the producers. And that was a clip from one of his early movies where Gene was kind of. kind of had a blue security blanket that he didn't like anybody touching. My blanket, my blue blanket, give me my blue blanket. Oh, I'll end the show right there. Oh, my gosh, one of a kind. And speaking of comedy, if you want to, uh,

catch me doing any comedy stand-up comedy well guess what rock and rollers next weekend uh september 30th i will be at the improv in pittsburgh p a man pittsburg pa uh september 30th right through to october 2nd um so uh please go online to harlow williams dot com you can get your tickets for the show it's going to be great we have such a it's such a great really fun and hope we see there in Pittsburgh, September 30th, at the improv. And then following that, the next week in October 6 through the 9th, I will be at the Mall of America in Minneapolis, Minnesota, at the house, Rick Bronson's House of Comedy.

Oh, my God. Awesome. And then later on in October, October 20th to the 23rd, Jose, California, back on the West Coast at the improv in San Jose. Great club. It's a remodeled opera house theater. It's just gorgeous. So check harloweems.com for those dates. You can order your tickets rate on my website.

Just click the buy now button and you are in, baby. Also, while you're there, you can write to me at the contact link at harloweems. com or you can leave me a phone message. 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-7-3-9-4-3-3-3-3. The number is there. Check out our store, our online store. We have all kinds of great goodies. And please don't forget to become a premium member.

$20 a year. You can join online at my website, harloweems.com, in the app section or the podcast section. It will direct you how to do that. And lastly, get our free app on your stuff. cell phone. So you can listen to the Harlan Highway wherever you go on your cell phone. Just go into your app store, type in

the Harlan Highway, and boom, it's yours for free. You get the 50 most current episodes. It's a great deal. So thanks for being here, everybody. I hope you had a good time. Hope you had a few laughs, a few chuckles, and love having you here.

Tell your friends to get on board. And until next time, chicken. Chao-May. baby