The Harland Highway - 806 - AUNT RUTHY calls in. Farmer's markets. Harlands short story part 2

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Aunt Ruthy calls the show to talk about Uncle Harry's Viagra. A walk through a Farmer's Market. Part 2 of Harland's short story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God. What a podcast we have today. I hope you have an hour on your hands, ladies, and girdle glargans, because today is an extra long version of the Harland Highway podcast. I just got carried away. I mean, Aunt Ruthie is calling in to leave a voicemail. I mean, she's already left the voicemail, but we're going to listen to it on the show here today.

And who knows what that old nut been up to. So we got that. Also, farmers markets. Have you ever been to a farmer's market? This is the time of year where country fairs and farmers markets are blossoming and popping up. And I managed to go to one recently, and I'm going to transport you there. I'm going to take you there with me. We're going to go on a little walkabout.

I'm going to tell you about the sights, the sounds, the smells, and two words, anus fruit. Yeah, way do you hear about that? Also, at the end of the show, holy smokes, I'm going to be doing the second installment of my short story that I wrote based on a bit I did here about drinking from a garden hose and being transported back in time. So the second installment of my short story, I will read aloud to you, just like story time, boys and girls. And that'll be at the end of the show. 10 more pages of my 70 page Not So Short Story

Inspired by some of your phone calls and letters So gather around, put your helmets on This is the Harland Highway Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams?

Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Well, it's that time of year. You know, summer's just kind of disappeared, and now we're kind of slowly rolling into the fall. And, you know, it's that time of year where there's the farmer's markets and there's, you know, people out in parks and, you know, selling goods. And I wanted to kind of talk about that at the first part of this podcast here because I kind of wandered into one recently.

I was out and about I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, and I went out for a walk and I kind of came to the edge of a park and all of a sudden there was noise and commotion and you know it was kind of a quiet day and suddenly I'm hearing sounds and smelling smells and you know music and noises and I look at this park in front of me

and it's like a full-on, like, you know, weekend farmer's market with people selling crafts and food and, you know, paintings and you name it. And it's kind of got a real aura about it. It's got a real ambiance, as they say. And it was hilarious because as I walked into this entrance, I just happened to be walking into the entrance of this park rate at the exact time

that a homeless and I have to say probably a drug addict was because I kind of stopped to take in the sites I was like oh what am I walking into

and he stopped he was like right beside me and he stopped and goes oh shit man it's a fucking farmer's market shit I just came in here to buy some crack

well I guess that ain't happening today I was just like Oh, dude. Like, he was just so pissed off and disappointed that there was, you know, his area to buy crack was being inhabited by, you know, families and people with their dogs and children and happy sounds. He's like, fuck the farmer's market, man. Where's my fucking drugs? So here I went on a little walk through the farmer's market. and I thought, you know, I'd share some of the sights and sounds with you guys.

It's such a unique setting. It's such a unique place. And, you know, you've got people selling, like, homemade salad bowls that they carved with their bare hands. And you've got people selling T-shirts. You've got people selling, they made some fudge. Or they made some caramel apples. Or they made some homemade candles. There's some soap.

And you walk through and you see people kind of, they set up a little tent or a little canopy and they laid out their wares. And they stand there and they kind of eye you up and down as you walk past. You kind of feel, you almost feel a little intimidated. They're kind of looking at you like, hey man, like I spent like all winter like milling this soap

and you are going to stop and buy some, right? Because, you know, if you don't, I can't feed myself and I can't pay my rent. So, hello, you're going to buy some homemade soap that smells like cucumber and cranberries? Or are you just going to walk by to that next booth where, you know, that guy made some, like, you know, macromay, like candle holders? So it's weird because you're constantly rejecting people as you walk by. But then you're hoping you'll see something that you're. like you'll see a you know you'll see a booth in this big maze of booths where you'll find a food item or you'll find a a trinket or a piece of jewelry or something like that and it's a very

colorful walk it's a very eclectic walk there's so many different things coming at you assaulting your senses you know there's a guy with the homemade popcorn there's a guy with maple syrup that he sucked right out of a tree. You know, there's the guy with the fresh fruit and the vegetables. Oh, yeah, I had one guy. I walked by his vegetable cart, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I don't know if he was a bad salesman, but he said, hey, who wants some free cucumbers?

And I was like, what? So have a listen to this. Free? Free? No, nobody's buying them. How come they're free, sir? Are they good? Yeah.

I love one. I think they're a big seed. You like free cucumbers? Oh, do you have more? If you don't have more? Just those two. You have them. Here, I got something else here for you.

You take them. No, I want you to have the free cucumber. He's going to give me something else. I got these 11 cucumbers that are free, too. Oh, that's what I wanted, a lemon cucumber. I'm going to switch that out. Oh, smart. Those look a little nicer.

I'm gonna do one regular and one lemon. Okay. Let's give that bat. I'll do just one lemon. Oh, that's sweet. Nobody wants this guy? Free cucumber. What kind is that free cucumber?

This is a regular cucumber that got too big. It looks, yeah. It's a monster. Do you like cucumber little buddy? Oh yeah, he can probably eat one a day. Could eat that whole thing, do you think? think? Wow, you got an appetite, kid. Way to go. Hey, thank you, sir. Yeah, you're welcome. Very generous of you. I appreciate it. Awesome. So there I was, you know, just wandering up and down

the aisles and this farmer, really nice, you know, look like a farmer. You know, some people just look like farmers. Just kind of a pasty white guy with red cheeks and the farmer hat and, you know, had a whole bunch of vegetables. So, you know, I got into it a little bit with that girl. you know she she wanted the free cucumbers and then you know all of a sudden the magical lemon cucumbers came up and oh boy she was like I want those and then there's a little kid there said he could eat a whole cucumber so so I'm walking away with the cucumbers I don't really want them but I'm just like I took them just you know because I was recording and I thought it might lead to something funny and so then the guy uh the guy hand you as I'm just about to

walk away. He asked me if I want more free stuff. And now this stuff has been damaged by hailstones. Great big hailstones have slammed into some of his apples and fruits and left these really big dense and black and brown bruises in the fresh fruit. And for lack of a better term, I hate to be rude here, but they looked like anuses. They looked like these fruits he was giving me had assholes on him, and so suddenly he's handed me some asshole fruit. One apple, too? Oh, man, this one looks like it has a butthole on it. That is a hail mark, but it's good on that side.

Wait, wait, this was hit by a piece of hail? Nice. No way. So is that one. Whoa, that's the damage that hail does? Yeah. Looks like it gives them an instant butthole right there. It does, doesn't it?

Man, I've never had a hail hit apple before. Thanks, bud. I appreciate it. Thank you. Wow, real nice farmer guy just handed me a lemon cucumber. Got in a bit of a battle with this beautiful girl over the regular cucumbers and she gave one back, took a lemon cucumber. And then a little boy came and took the whole cucumber, which is pretty big. and he said he could eat it all in one sitting.

This was a little, like, an eight-year-old kid. Wow, and just when I think the cucumber bartering's over, although do you really barter when it's free? Suddenly the guy hands me, because you own a free apple. Farmer, let's just say John, because that's the one we all know, hands me because you own a free apple, and it looks like right in the middle of the apple, for lack of a better description,

And it looks like this apple has a giant anus. Like it's all brown in the middle. It's dented, brown and purple in the middle, and then kind of like tapers out back into to mesh with the skin of the rest of the apple. And I've never had an apple that's been hit by a hail pellet before. And then he hands me another anus apple or hail apple. And wow, just a flurry here today. with activity at the farmer's market and so there you go but you know just a little little thing

you know in the middle of the city and and they really are fun because the farmer market kind of takes you out of the city a little bit it makes you feel like just for a moment you're out in the country or you're you're not in the city anymore you're you're kind of you're not dealing with a mall and brand names and and all the regular stuff you see you know from one mall to the next. Suddenly you're dealing with homemade things and crafts and things that people made with their bare hands and have pride in. And it's just, you kind of get a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling walking around at the, you know,

the country fair, the country farmer's market. I mean, where else can you just wander around and some friendly old farmer hand you a free lemon cucumber and an anus apple? I mean, hello. And then of course, you know, it's charming because you got the guys playing the music, you know. You know, I walked around a corner and here was this really old Mexican guy just strumming a guitar and, you know, just I don't know what he was saying, but there was just something kind of enchanting about it. He looked like he was probably 75 and just playing his heart out and singing and it was just for the love of it type of thing. La la la la la la la

La La They're nice You know someone just throws a few few shackles in his little basket La la la la La la la la la singing along, man

It's infectious La la la La la And then, you know You walk around And this is always fun You hear people bartering Or you hear people

You hear people explaining their stuff You know Trying to get people in They hook in with a kick Come on try it Try it And then you'll like it and you'll buy some.

So I'll just let it play for a few minutes. You can hear people talking about the texture and the flavor and talking about their products. Take a listen. Join the market. So the texture and the flavor kind of changes. We have one left. I took that one in the back there.

Yeah. So it's a really, that was so good good. Really? That was so good. Can I get a tall jar with that? So there you go. I don't know if it's your type of thing. farmer's market, but it kind of transported me, you know, to a simpler, more communal place.

So I guess I guess in a way I'm recommending it. If you ever kind of feel a little overwhelmed by your city, by your surroundings in the urban jungle, just get on the internet, look around and see where your nearest farmer's market is. $3.50 a bunch or two for six. You know, get in the mix. Rub elbows. Rub elbows with the folks. You know, I saw everything from a guy who got a trained crow.

If you gave the crow a dollar, it would put the dollar in the box. This guy must have made a fortune. I saw two little girls playing violin. I don't know why they struck me. One of them was just like covered with acne. Tons of acne, and I thought, my head is like, oh my God, it's the symphony of zits. I don't know why. It just popped into my head.

But there you go. My little journey to the farmer's market. Hope you enjoyed my little walk with me. Now I think I'll go finish my anus apple. Crunch. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello? Hey Harland. This is one of your elder fans and just wanted to say I joined the premium podcast membership, and it's pure gold. And the funny thing is that your mom approved, in quotations, because I let my mom listen to it.

She said, well, son, he sounds just like the late great Jonas and Winters. That boy is doing the right thing. I go, okay, there you go. Anyway, just want to let you know that your true fans, can anybody beyond that, should really listen to your premium podcast. I hope you come back to Arizona, premium haven calendar for life. Thank you. Oh, no, thank you.

What a wonderful voicemail. Very kind. And, you know, to be compared to the late great Jonathan Winters, my goodness, that guy was a lot of you might not remember jonathan but he was a staple on the johnny carson show and he was a he was a stand-up comedian he was a comedy actor and he was best known for his characters he really uh he really delved deep into his characters he had female characters and farmer characters and male characters and at the end of his career i think he was don't quote me on this, but I think I remember hearing that he was actually kind of declared clinically insane,

that he, I don't know if the voices in his head became too much, but I think he had to do some time in a mental facility. And this is just stuff I heard through the entertainment grapevine, so don't quote me on it. But nonetheless, he was considered by many just to be a real genius, very brilliant, and I actually really liked him as a kid. I used to see him, and he was a big, big influence on Robin Williams. Robin Williams just loved the guy. And I think he was probably an influence on a lot of people. So if you get a chance, jump on YouTube and check him out.

Thank you for even comparing me to him. I don't claim to have anywhere near what Jonathan Winters had, but it sure is nice to be lumped into the same company. Thank you for your kind words, and I'm glad you're enjoying the premium content. Later in the show, we're going to play some, well, it's premium content, but it's premium content that premium members got before anyone else did. I guess what I'm saying is

I'm playing every podcast a 10 page segment of my short story about the water hose time machine and we're going to play another 10 pages of it at the back end of this podcast but if you're a premium member

you can get the whole thing ahead of everyone else I'm putting the first half of it out now it's already out if you're a premium member and then the second half is coming like in a week. So you're going to have the whole story months before regular listeners have the whole story. So if you're jonesing to hear the whole water hose time machine story that I wrote and I'm reading to you guys,

jump on the premium membership and you can hear the whole thing in two sittings. Thank you for your letter. Let's keep moving on here. What the heck else do we have, Roger? What? Oh, really? A phone message from Aunt Ruthie? Oh, talk about a time machine. Holy God. All right, well, you know, I wanted to get to the short story, but if we have time, all right, is it a long message? Because sometimes she rambles on. Okay, good. All right, we're going to play a voicemail from my Aunt Ruthie, and then after that we're going to jump into another portion of my short story. the time, uh, time machine water hose. Uh, okay, Raj, uh, play it. And, uh, here it is. Another phone message from Aunt Ruthie. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Are you there, little angel? Oh, my God. I can't if I can never tell if you're there. If you're not there, you're like a, you're like a, you like some kind of stastic ghost that, you know, I, I never know if you're there. I don't know.

I hate talking to these machines, Angel, but I'm going to assume that maybe you're listening, and I hope you get my message. Oh, my goodness, we miss you so much. I hope you had a great summer, Angel. Oh, my God, I know you're down in Hollywood, making the movies and the televisions and whatnot and so forth, and so on, and whatnots.

And your uncle Harry's in the background watching television. I think, I don't know if he's looking for you, Harry, can you say hello to your nephew, Holland? Harry? Oh, he doesn't, he waved to something, the old cute. That's why I'm calling Holland. You know, I know you know about these things for younger people, like the cellular phones and the, you know, the veggie wraps and things like this.

And your uncle Harry's been watching the television, of course, like he always does. He loves to sit in front of the TV. and watch Bonanza. He sits there in his old undershirt, in his underpants. I mean, good Christ, if any of the neighbors walked by, they'd think, you know,

five statues at the Hollywood Wax Museum got together and had an origy and had sex so hard, they melted into a blob of shit, you know. Anyway, Saul, and Uncle Harry, your Uncle Harry, who you know is 86 years old,

he's no spring chicken anymore. He saw, oh, my goodness, I'm almost embarrassed to say it, little angel. Oh, my God, your poor little ears, but I'm going to say it because I need your advice. Your uncle Harry saw one of these Viagra commercials, you know, the ones for the erectile dysfunction situation, and good Christ, who has more, you know, erectile dysfunction than your uncle Harry, I mean, I think a werewolf could jump up in front of him and his penis would just lay down and die. I mean, good God.

The last thing that thing rose up is when he was hanging upside down at a gravity chamber at the science center, little angel. Oh, my goodness. So anyhow, your uncle Harry, he ordered some of these viagras, you know, the erectile dysfunction,

the little blue pill, they call it, Holland. He ordered some on the television. And, of course, you know, we haven't... My God, I'm so embarrassed. We haven't had the sexual intercourse. for probably about 27 years, Holland. I mean, my God, you were probably in college picking your nose and sticking it under the table at that age.

So your uncle Harry, without letting me know, of course, he popped two or three of the little blue Viagras all at once, and I think you're only supposed to take one. So, of course, Harry, you know, stumbled into the bedroom about four nights ago and his crinkled old... Army sergeant, you know, that in this, my God, it's like if you ever seen those things at the parties, at the New Year's Eve parties, the little whistles you blow on them and they roll out and make a noise, that's what his 87-year-old tallyback, it looks like. Oh, my God, little

angel. So Harry comes in the room. He looks like he's, you know, an josting contest at the, you know, medieval times fair. He comes in with a, I thought a unicorn was small. mashing into the bedroom door. So he pushes the door open, and he's standing there framed in the hallway light with an erection about the size of a baby calf's leg, for Christ's sake. And, of course, I screamed. I haven't seen his penis since, you know,

the Apollo 13 landing, for Christ's sake. He's standing there with a big grin on his face. His benches are hanging out of his mouth crooked. He looks like a jack-o-lantern that's, you know, just found a glory hole at the, you know, 86 truck stop out there on the 407, for Christ's sake. And I'm standing there pulling the blankets up over my body. I'm terrified, and here comes a little. He looks like a pole vaulter from the Russian Olympics, you know, the paraplegic Olympics,

a Russian pole vulture. He comes running in the room. Of course, Harry's not balanced isn't what he used to be, little angel. He trips. and there he is he lands on the floor but his erection is so hard it looks like he's balancing on a stick he's just he's he's two and a half feet off the ground balancing and i'm like jesus christ harry you look like you belong in the chinese circus a sick to sulay or sick to get laid or something whatever it is and and he sneezes of course you know when you're old

uncle harry well if he starts spinning around on the floor he's got his giant two-and-a-half-foot erection because his naughty old penis hasn't been hard at 25 years, Angel, and he sneezes, and of course he starts spinning around in a circle, and he sneezes again, and he picks up momentum, and oh, my God, little angel, old Holland.

I hate to say it, but your uncle Harry's penis started drilling into the hardwood floor, for Christ's sake. All of a sudden he's, it looks like, you know, somebody's twirling a corkscrew into a wine bottle. Your poor Uncle Harry's spinning around, and all I can hear is the floorboards creaking, and your Uncle Harry's penis creaking. It sounds like, you know,

somebody rolled over an old lady's ass cheeks with a lawnmower, for Christ's sake. So now he's spinning around. He screws his dirty old cock right into the floor, and now all of a sudden I'm pulling him. I get on his shoulders. I almost threw my back out. I'm pulling,

Pulling finally, your uncle Harry comes loose, and he's got some white pine floorboard stuck to his penis. So we screw those off. He loses his balance. Of course, your uncle Harry falls backwards and smashes his erect penis right through the dry wall. Oh, my God, Holland. He's got a penis stuck in the wall. So I go to the other side of the wall. I take my shoe off, and I start hammering the tip of it, and he's screaming, and I'm saying,

Harry, you can't have a penis in the wall, for Christ's sake. What if company comes over? So I'm hammering the tip of his old penis with my shoe, you know, my author Peter foot sandal holland, and all of a sudden he goes popping back, goes flying across the bedroom, hits the window, he smashes through the glass, for Christ's sake. Good God, he goes right out the window. I'm thinking, oh, my God, he's dead out on the sidewalk. I run downstairs.

What do you know? Uncle Harry's laying on the ground. He's having sex with a gopher hole. His penis landed right in a gopher hole, and you can see the, you know, the gophers always have a backup hole, so they're running and screaming out the other hole, running around, pulling the hair out.

They're like, there's a giant bald snake in our gopher hole. It's going to eat the babies, for Christ's sake. Oh, my God, Holland. And, of course, one of the gophers got mad and attacked his penis and bit it all up, and your uncle Harry's running down the street, with a flock of gophers on his 82-year-old penis screaming. He runs into a mailbox, and the next, oh, my God, they can't keep going on.

Let's just say your uncle Harry was in the hospital overnight. The erection lasted 25 hours. Oh, my God. The nurses put ribbons around it when playing Maypole. I mean, I swear to God, I went into the emergency ward, and they were skipping around in, you know, baclavas and, you know, mountaineering, you know, Polish, mountaineering flower festival outfits

with wooden clogs on the feet, you know, using his penis as a Maypole, for God's sakes, and Harry's lay in there loving it, and I walk up and I wiggle my face, don't you, Danny Ways, darling, I'm rambling on, oh my God. Holland, if you can just call me

and tell me how these Viagras work, or Viaguan, see, whatever the hell they call them, Agenel, you know, I'm up here in Rochester, New York, trying to just figure things out. Your poor Uncle Harry, do you remember when you were a little boy and your Uncle Harry

caught you playing with your bottom out in the sandbox? Well, I've used up enough of your message, little angel. Can you call me, please? We miss you so much. Your Uncle Harry's doing better, and I hope you can give me a call and help us with the Viagras, okay? We love you, little angel.

Oh, Aunt Ruthie loves you. Goodbye. Give us a call, Holly. Oh, my God. Oh, my, oh, I'm leaking. Oh, my God. Okay, there is another call from my aunt Ruthie, and I better get back to her when I can.

Eish, Uncle Harry taking the Viagra. Maybe not a good idea. Maybe read the directions on the bottle. Okay, let's move on a quick little commercial. As you know, I'm going to be in Minnesota, Minnesota, the Mall of America at Rick Bronson's Comedy Club, House of Comedy. And let's do a quick little commercial for that. And then when we come back, we'll read the second installment of my short story, The Water Hose Time Machine.

Stuck in traffic or bored at work. It's the perfect time to joke off. Brought to you by Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. Man, I'm excited. I got some good news. I can't keep it a secret any longer. My girlfriend is eating for two now. How about that, huh?

She's not pregnant. She's just a fat pig. Gets Harlan William. Known from his appearances in Dumb and Dumber And There's Something About Mary At the House of Comedy at Mall of America Be in the know about every show at houseofcomedy.net. All right, there you go.

Don't miss me at the House of Comedy in Minnesota this coming weekend. That'll be October 6th through the 9th. Great club, great time. Let's do it, maing. And now, without further ado, let's play the second installment of my short story that turned out to be a long story, the next 10 pages of the garden hose time machine

based off of a topic I did on podcast 500, I believe, where I talked about how when you drink from a water hose, it takes you back in time. And if you don't want to hear this out of sequence, go and listen to the last podcast number 805, where you'll hear the first 10 pages, and now here we come with the second 10 pages of the water hose time machine.

I hope you enjoy it. Later that night, Nathan and Kelly ran around the living room like monkeys escaped from their cages. They chased each other and laughed, bounding over couch cushions and throwing their stuffed animal toys at each other. Sherry tried to wrangle them in and get them to their bedrooms for bedtime. She was hardly in the mood after her confrontation with Brett earlier. Her energy was spent.

Come on, kids, please, it's time for bad. The children ignored her and kept on bounding around the room. Hey! A loud clap filled the room and the children stopped in their tracks. Brett stood tall at the mouth of the hallway and spoke to the kids in a voice where there was no escaping his intentions. You heard your mother, Bad, now, let's go.

The children were so unaccustomed to hearing their father tell them to do anything that his voice shot through them like a sniper's bullet. They stared at him and could read the seriousness in his face. They didn't dare defy him.

And almost like soldiers, they marched right past him toward the stairs and went up to their rooms. Daddy will be up in a minute to turn out the light. A faint giggle from Kelly drifted back in response, and then the night was at last silent. Sherry stared at Brett with a silent thank you in her eye. She shuffled over to him and sheepishly took his hand. She was shorter than him, and she looked up into his face

gratefully. Thank you, she half whispered, a sigh of relief as she folded into Brett's arms. Brett rested his face and the hair on the top of her head. He squeezed her. I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry about today. Sherry pinched her eyes shut. She needed to hear these words right now. The fight in the bedroom had scared her.

It was the closest they had ever come to really saying things out loud. I'm sorry too, baby. I'm sorry that I raised my voice. It's okay, hon. I probably needed to hear it. what was I thinking my dad really i think you were right it was the beers maybe some heatstroke too for good luck sherry smiled i tell you every time to wear your hat but you never do they hug tighter and shared a weak laugh sherry closed her eyes as brett rocked her are are we going to be okay brett she asked hesitantly brett wasn't able to answer The silence that hung in the air was worse than the shouting from earlier.

A moment later they broke apart and Sherry disappeared up the stairs. Brett stood there alone in the middle of his own house, unsure of what his life was anymore. His lower lips started to slightly tremble. He needed to get outside into the night air. He needed to take some deep breaths. On the back patio, the summer air was flat and still. The crickets took advantage of the calmness to call each other across streets and neighborhoods,

chirping in their own secret language into the mysteries of the night. The air felt good around Brett. He liked warm summer nights. They felt romantic somehow. Brett looked up to the sky and could see a few stars twinkling above. The city was not good at revealing stars. Brett was grateful for any that he could lay his eyes on. As he scanned the sky, his eyes descended back to the yard, the far end, where he had foolishly thought he had seen his father.

Maybe it was his marriage that had caused him to imagine his father, maybe the pressure of all the pent-up feelings and emotion that he and Shelley had dared to reveal to each other. Maybe that's what caused his vision of his dad, or was it something else? For some strange reason, Brett's gaze would be drawn to the hose, lying on the ground, the same hose he had drunk from earlier. Perhaps it was this warm, dry summer night air. It was making him slightly parched. Maybe it was time for another drink from the hose.

Brett looked behind him through the sliding glass door. For some reason, he felt the need to make sure the coast was clear. Why? He wasn't quite sure. The wood under his feet creaked as he walked across the deck and stepped out onto the lawn. There was a slight coating of dew that had already formed on the grass as Brett moved quietly across the lawn.

In seconds, he stood over the hose that was lying on the ground. He picked it up and looked at it in the darkness. As he had done earlier, he turned the nozzle and bent down to drink. Brett took in some small mouthfuls of clear, cold water. His thirst wasn't as ravenous as it had been during the heat of the day, but still, the night was humid, and his body accepted

the moisture wholeheartedly. Brett's eyes darted around in the darkness, wondering if anything was going to happen, wondering if his father would appear again. But after a few moments, nothing changed. His father did not appear. And in fact, Brett was almost a little relieved. He was so sure of what he had seen earlier that it scared him. It was so real, but yet, so impossible. At least now, Brett could chalk the event up as some kind of daydream or heat stroke or something. Brett felt his mind relax. He began to take in the hose water slowly, savoring it, feeling it slide down his throat,

cooling the lining of his esophagus. He closed his eyes and drank. Hey, are you coming stupid or what? Brett's eyes popped open. His head whipped around. He knew that voice. Come on, Brett, let's get a move on, man. There's going to be girls there.

Brett slowly straightened up and turned. Scotty? Uh, yeah, were you expecting Elvis? Come on, let's do this. It's going to be hot. Brett looked around in the darkness. His house was gone. He was now in a park.

The park he knew as a kid. The park from his neighborhood. The hose he was drinking from was now a stone drinking fountain. and standing in front of him, his best childhood friend, Scotty Dorfman. Scotty, is that you? Come on, buddy, stop clowning. I stole a Mickey of Scotch from the old man's liquor cabinet. Let's do this.

Brett looked all around. The park sprawled on for what seemed in eternity. Giant beech-nut trees reaching up towards the night sky with their thick, sturdy branches, their leaves creating a canopy that the night breeze ruffled with its genet rush. Scotty standing there anxious and excited, tipping the flask of scotch back into his grinning mouth. Here, take a shot, he demanded as he held the silver container out to Brett. Where are we going, Scotty? Buddy, are you okay? To the bonfire, man. We've all been talking about it for the last three weeks. Wait, Cal Davidson's bonfire? Yeah, dipshit, come on, take a sip and let's go.

Brett suddenly became dazed at the same time he was achieving clarity. He had been here before. He knew what was about to happen. Debbie Patterson and Tanya Reese are supposed to be there. Oh man, Tanya has the biggest tits in school, man. Brett took the flask out of Scotty's hand and quickly tilted it back into his mouth. The scotch burned slightly but also felt smooth as it coated his throat and dropped down into his inside. how does a girl even get tits that big how is it possible i just want to lay my head on one of them and fall asleep as brett handed the flask back to scotty he took a moment to look down at his clothes he was a little taken aback to see that he wasn't in the clothes he had been wearing just moments earlier now he was in his blue jeans and red sneakers a black veneck t-shirt brett touched his chest and his thigh at the same time he

believe what he was seeing. And further, he could feel his body through the fabric. It had changed too. Brett could feel muscle and tightness. His body was firm and strong and young. Brett was completely disoriented. Scotty, how old am I? You're same as me. Sixteen, idiot. But you're acting like a retarded three-year-old. Come on, let's get going. Scottie thumped Brett in the arm with a fist. Brett flinched, not prepared for how real the punch would be, but he felt it. He felt it all. How could he be feeling this if it was just a dream, Brett thought? Come on, Brett, let's go, man. The call of Scotty's voice from 20 feet down the walking path snapped Brett out of his confused thoughts. He turned and saw his best childhood friend, Scotty Dorfman, walking happily into the

shadows of the towering trees. Brett blinked his eyes quickly several times. times, inhaled a deep breath, and somewhat unsure, ran after Scotty. There must have been 60 people or more gathered around the raging bonfire. People were sitting in a large circle on logs or standing, some staring into the mesmerizing flames, others ignoring the fire altogether, too caught up in their own conversations. Brett approached cautiously, still unsure of the dream reality he was enveloped by. He scanned the large gathering. He recognized many of the faces.

There were a lot of the kids he went to school with. Dale Crothers, Kathy Macon, Buzzy Smith. Brett's heart started beating faster as he muzzled up to Scotty. Hey, give me that flask again, Scotty. Scotty reached under his windbreaker and handed it to Brett blindly. His eyes were focused on a sort of good-looking girl on the other side of the fire. Oh, man, I told you she'd be here. buddy shit tanya reese i told you her titties were monsters brett wasn't paying attention this time he was

guzzling the scotch from scotty's flask it went straight down his throat strong and hard hey easy man that's got to lask us all night scotty looked irritated as he yanked the flask away from brett what's wrong with you slow down but there was no slowing down brett needed that alcohol he could feel a slight comfortable buzz coming on come on let's head over towards tanya scotty grabbed brett's arm and tugged him brett cracked a slight smile as freaked out as he was he was also starting to feel that this time that he was in this place was completely awesome scotty sat on a log next to tanya reese talking a mile a minute and staring down at her tits just as much Brett needed a little break and decided to stray off on his own. Silently, he slipped away and moved to an area that was less populated

with exuberant high school kids laughing, talking, enjoying life. Brett was a bit unsure of what to do, whom to talk to. How could he face some of his friends already knowing how their lives turned out? Tom Davidson was going to be an architect. Polly Mason moved to Australia and started an aviation company. Darlene Sanders would marry and divorce three times, and Kevin Raleigh, he'd be dead at 25, suicide. The scotch swirled in Brett's head and away the sparks from the fire danced up into the dark night sky. Brett followed them spiral upwards and fade into the stars.

In his head, he wondered how this could all be happening. How was he here, somehow back in time in his own life? before he could answer any of those questions he stopped he could feel something an energy was that feeling you get when someone is staring at you brett circled the bonfire with his eyes he could feel someone watching him and as he passed by all the happy faces he saw almost a shadow of a figure blending into the trees her fair white skin the only thing giving her away her face was was framed by the darkness and was illuminated by the fire's glow. Her eyes wide and blue, staring straight at Brett, straight into his eyes. He knew who it was immediately. Of course, this was the place they talked for the very first time. It was his future wife, Sherry. Their eyes locked like two wolves staring through the forest at one another. It was a strong,

powerful, deep stare that went beyond just sight. This was the type of stare that burned its way into the chest and seared the heart. Brett almost choked on his own breath as he took her in. She was stunning. All the love that Brett had ever known for his wife came flooding into his heart in that moment. He felt so alive. Cautiously, Brett stood and wandered past all the people who were there.

Scotty's still talking and gawking with a half-drunk Tanya Reese. Everyone else engaged in the innocence of being young and unknowing. It seemed to take forever for Brett to arrive in front of Sherry, but at last he did, and she was even more stunning up close. Brett just stood and looked at her, absorbed her. Sherry was bashful and finally forced herself to look away from Brett and stare down at the ground. Sorry, I laughed at you. Her voice was soft and whispery like a summer breeze passing through the woods.

Laughing at me? Brett asked naively. At football practice, when you were walking like an ostrich, remember? Sort of sideways? Sherry looked slightly embarrassed and guilty at the same time. An ostrich? Brett thought deeply, or as deeply as he could at this juncture. Oh, my gosh. cleat my broken cleat sherry giggled and tried to cover her mouth with her hand you you were one of the girls in the bleachers right the one with the brett suddenly stopped sherry slowly looked back up at him the orange glow of the fire dancing in her sky blue irises beautiful blue eyes sherry looked away again but just as quickly looked back they were locked in their stare again

All they could see now is each other. The rest of the world faded away. It was just them and the night. The whisper of the leaves and the dancing fire burning long and hot. The flames licking at the darkness. Brett couldn't speak anymore. Neither could Sherry. Everything they would ever need to say was contained in their stare. Everything they would ever need to know about each other was there, revealed in their longing eyes. Sherry gently bit into her soft lower lip as Brett slowly moved his face closer to hers. Their eyes were so close, their mouths like magnets pulling for each other. And before another enchanted second could pass, their mouths came together like soft clouds colliding in the sky. They sealed their lips together and kissed like it was the end of time, like the world had stopped spinning and they had found the only thing that would ever matter in life, each other. For what seemed in eternity, they remained locked in their kiss, the fire crackling, and their hunger

for each other deeper than the beginning or end of the Milky Way, far, far above. When at last Brett opened his eyes, Sherry was gone. A trail of water slid down the side of his mouth and the hose that he held down at his side splashed across his shoes oh man he jumped back to avoid letting them get any more soaked than they already were brett looked around slightly disoriented but still aware of his surroundings quickly he reached for the hose and turned it off the splashing sound of water stopped and once again the night was quiet brett stared at the hose in his hand dazed without thinking he dropped it turned and slowly walked to the porch and into the house. On his way to his own bedroom, Brett stopped at the door of his children's bedroom.

He hesitated, but then gently opened the door a crack. He could see his son Nathan sprawled all over the bed, hardly any blankets at all covering his body. Kelly, on the other hand, was snuggled tightly under her favorite pink blanket, her trusty stuffed bumblebee sharing the pillow with her head. Brett stared at them for a moment, just watching them, knowing they wouldn't move, knowing they were fast asleep. He wondered why he hadn't been closer to them, been a better father to them. What struck him as unusual in that moment was not that he was thinking these things,

but why he had never thought these things before, until now. Brett couldn't tear himself away from staring at their tiny, innocent bodies, just lying there, unaware of the complexities the world would eventually throw at them. Brett's eyes started to glisten. He knew he was getting emotional. Softly, he pulled the door shut and continued down the hall. In bed, Sherry was fast asleep. He knew her body language so well.

He knew her breathing habits. She was out. As he had with his children, just moments ago, Brett propped himself up on one elbow and just stared at his wife. Perhaps something he hadn't done in the last 15 years. He must have stared for a good ten minutes. She was soft and quiet, in contrast to the anger she had displayed earlier that day. Brett realized that the sensational, time-stopping kiss he had just shared with the girl by the bond. was the same woman laying beside him now.

What had happened, he wondered. When was the last time he had kissed her like that? A wave of guilt and sadness washed over, Brett. He reached out to touch her, but then, for some reason, stopped himself. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he believed he didn't have the right to touch her anymore. Again, moisture began to collect in his eyes. He had to pull away,

stop thinking about all of this so hard he stared for maybe a minute longer until at last he lay down on his back shut his eyes and went to sleep wow there you go there it is ladies and gnargo blargens don't know what to think i've never done something like this before on the podcast or anywhere so You let me know if you want me to keep going or just stop. If you like it, if you hate it, you can let me know. You can call the hotline. Leave me a voicemail at 323-739-43330. 3-2-3-739-433.

Maybe you're intrigued. Maybe you're bored. Give me a little feedback if you feel like it. Or you can write me at harlomwiliams.com. The voice message number is at harlomwilms. as well if you can't remember at 323739 43330 and looking forward to your feedback as I told you we'll have we'll have 10 pages every every podcast until I'm done so that's like five more podcasts maybe six depending how much I stretch it until we're done but if you can't wait to hear

the end of the story if you want to hear it all at one join our premium membership at the Harland Highway podcast. Just go to my website, harloweems.com, click on the app or the podcast link, and it will tell you how you can join for just $20 a year. We've already posted the whole first half of the story, and we'll be posting the second half of the story very shortly. So if you're a premium member, you get to find out how the story, story ends before our regular listeners. 20 bucks a year. Get you the full story, the garden hose

time machine. It also gets you all 800 plus episodes of the Harland Highway. If you're a regular member, you just get the most current 50 episodes. It gets you my other podcast. Let's have a fight. It gets you my live stand-up comedy clips. It gets you special interviews. Oh, my God. It's just, you just keep winning for $20 a year. I urge you to join. It also helps me to, you know, keep the machine running with all these podcast endeavors I have. And I appreciate it and thank you in advance. Meanwhile, don't forget to catch me in Minnesota at the Mall of America coming up October 6th through the 9th.

six through nine. It is going to be a blast. Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. Go to Harlowilliams.com. Check on my comedy link, and you will be able to get tickets. Also, check out our store at Harlowyms.com. You can buy some fun merchandise.

And very, very cool. So there you go. That's it for today. Quite the show. We had Aunt Ruthie. We had the garden hose. We had the farmer's market. Good Lord, love a lemon bush.

The show actually stretched to almost a full hour here, which is rare for the Harland Highway, but trying to keep you guys entertained. So I hope you had a good time. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Let's get them on board. Don't be selfish. Don't hog all the fun and hijinks to yourself.

Send your friends a link. Send them a Twitter. Send them a Facebook notice. get the word out there. Help me get the word out there because to be honest, I want everyone in the world to have this free laughter and free frivolity. That's why I do it. So the more that are on here, the better. So help the Harland Highway out. Do your part, if you don't mind, and do your best to spread the word. And let's bring in more and more listeners. And let's all have some fun. So there you go. Thanks,

Everybody, keep it real in the deal, and go drink out of your water hose. And until next time, chicken, chamein, baby. I think a werewolf could jump up in front of him and his penis would just lay down and die. I mean, good God, the last thing that thing rose up is when he was hanging upside down at a gravity chamber at the science set to Little Angel. Thank you. Thank you.