The Harland Highway - 807 - LOUD cell phone people. Harland's garden hose short story. One liners.

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Harland continues reading his garden hose short story. Obnoxious cell phone people. Funny one liners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm a chicken. This is a podcast for chickens. No, it's not. It's a podcast for you, Lirtle Gurgens and Blenegel Durgens. Hi, I'm Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. Yes, today we have our third installment of my short story, The time machine garden hose or water hose

Oh my God, this story just keeps building We'll be playing that towards the end of the podcast We'll also be talking about people who don't really know How to control their cell phones Yes, I am starting the show with a pissed off segment And man am I pissed off I had part of my day ruined by a loud cell phone talker who didn't know the rules of cell phoneing, and you're going to hear about it on this

podcast. Also, have you ever done a one-liner, a witty one-liner, a funny pun, a quick, like, right out of the gate one-liner? Well, if you have, I want to hear them, I'm going to tell you about one that I came up with that made me proud, and we're going to talk about witty one-liners because they make us laugh. And that's what this podcast does, too. So welcome. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Okay, okay. I hate to do this right out of the gate.

And I think I might have even touched on this before. But it seems to just be getting worse and worse. society it's it's a byproduct of our cell phone culture and ladies and gentlemen it's really pissing me off don't piss me up this is harland williams you're really pissing me off oh you're starting to piss me off you little pigless son bitch you pissed me off you pissed me off off these fucking assholes this fuck these fucking assholes the fuck is their problem man I love that guy's anger

he just sums it all up doesn't he so here it is gang we all have cell phones now okay it's not like some of us have them we all freaking have them all right and some of us just have no concept, no idea that there are other people in the world around us. And that other people in the world don't want to be privy to your conversation, don't want to hear your conversation, don't want to be involved in your life, don't care about your business. But some people, could it be you?

Some people just don't know how to keep the volume down. Some people don't realize that they share space with seven and a half billion other human beings and that all those other people don't want to hear their phone call. So here's the scenario. It's a Sunday morning. I wake up. I want to go for a nice peaceful walk. I go for a nice, like, 20-minute walk.

I look up on my Google Maps where the nearest Denny's is because I'm thinking, what a great day for a nice, good old-fashioned American bacon and eggs, white toast breakfast, right? Who doesn't love that? How calming, how relaxing. And Denny's, nonetheless, I'm thinking, okay, Sunday, Denny's is probably going to be packed, but it's the closest place to me for a traditional American Sunday morning breakfast. So I take a nice walk, the weather's great, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and other people are out walking.

I stroll into Denny's around, I don't know, 10.30. And lo and behold, it's like out of a scale of 1 to 10, it's at a 4 for crowdedness. I'm like, oh, this is awesome. There's hardly anyone in here. It's fairly quiet, and I'm thinking, oh, boy, I'm going to have the best breakfast of my life. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, ah, yeah, ah, ah.

Okay, maybe not that good, but So I have the hostess ask me where I want to sit. I go way over there in the corner, all by myself, right by the window. I can look out at the world. I can, you know, get on my cell phone and read the news on my news app. Enjoy my beautiful breakfast. So I go there, I sit down, I order. And literally about a minute after I ordered,

This woman comes in, you know, probably about 35, little overweight, Latino, which has nothing to do with it, but you'll see why, in a moment, why the Latino factor comes in. And she walks to the back of the restaurant towards me, but she goes in the other booth that's opposite of me. So in other words, we're kind of right beside each other, but she's literally like way over, probably 20, 25 feet over from where I am. So she comes in, she not only plops down in the seat, she decides to lay down. Okay, so I'm on the back wall where it's a big, long leather bench,

and then there's tables, and then the leather bench continues. So she takes the side of the leather bench instead of the side of the chairs, right? So now she's laying on her belly on the leather seat. And I'm thinking, okay, that's a little peculiar. And then all of a sudden one of the workers at the Denny's, another girl that looked Latina, she walked over and kind of started talking to this girl. And I thought, oh, you know, that's the customer, it's the waitress. So shortly thereafter, the waitress leaves, and I'm sitting there waiting for my breakfast,

sipping my apple juice, just enjoying the quietness, and all of a sudden, I start to hear this. Okay, you hear that? That's someone. 25 feet away, laying on their stomach, talking on their cell phone, really loud, and it might not sound as loud here. Do you hear it? And not only is she talking on her cell phone loud, but she's talking on speakerphone. So I can hear, shut up, please. I can hear the person she's talking to as well.

I don't think you're picking up the cell phone, the speaker phone, but I'm hearing it. Oh, shut up! So I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking, okay, this can't last very long. And then it just keeps going, and it keeps going, and it keeps going, and I'm getting more and more agitated, and you can see, like, other people. around starting to get agitated and everyone's trying to kind of you know shut up please everyone see now I'm saying it now I'm saying what I should have said shut up please oh that's all these feelings are coming back but you can tell everyone wanted to say something nobody did and

I'm on the edge I'm right on the edge on a scale of one to ten I'm at a nine and a half about going I'm trying to do a podcast and of course I'm right at the edge of getting up and going over and now just what I'm about to do something quiet

shut up my waitress brings my bacon and eggs and so now I'm digging into those now I'm digging into those and I'm just my blood's getting boiling and I'm starting to get madder and I'm thinking I should just go over and go, do you mind? Do you mind it?

There's other customers in this restaurant. And I'm about to do that and all of a sudden I see this waitress that serviced her at the beginning walk over to her and I'm like, oh great, the waitress can hear this from across the restaurant. She's going to say something to her. But no, the waitress that helped her initially goes over, and starts kind of chatting with her and laughing, and I realize, oh, my God, they're friends. They're friends or they're related or whatever. And now, and now I'm realizing that the person that works here is allowing this to happen.

And now I'm doubly pissed off. Because why won't the person that works there tell her friend to shut up and use some decorum and be aware of other customers. And I'm like, wow. Not only can I not win with the customers, I can't even win with the staff. And so now my breakfast is ruined because I'm still hearing all this.

And it's almost too late. It's like, you know what, screw it. I'm just going to, now I'm powering through my restaurant. It was supposed to be leisurely and casual and relaxing. I ended up having to spend. speed through and I was pissed off and I was adjutant. My whole Sunday morning ruined. Thanks

to Gabby McGabberstein and as you can hear she's speaking in Spanish so that's why I said at the beginning it's a Latino woman. It doesn't matter if it's English I hope that means shut to your mouth. I hope you choke on a full moon over Miami okay?

It doesn't matter if it's Chinese English, Polish, Just shut up. Please shut up. Shut your pie. Order a pie and shut your pie. So there you go, man. Can all you people with your...

That laugh. All you people with your cell phones, can you please remember... Hold on. There you go. Got to let her get it out. Can all you people with your cell phones, please remember that there are other human. human beings around you and we don't give a crap about what's going on in your life.

Shut up. Let everyone else enjoy their silence, their privacy. Learn how to talk on a cell phone. You loud mouth freaks, I'm pissed off. Thank you. That's the end of this bit. Shut up! Stuck in traffic or bored at work.

It's the perfect time to joke off. Brought to you by Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. She's all pissed to me the other night she said, Hey, baby, I want to do it a little rough tonight. I said, no problem. I took all her clothes off. She was standing there naked. I put her head through the drywall.

And I'm the bad guy. Gatch Harlan William. Known from his appearances in Dumb and Dumber, and there's something about Mary. At the House of Comedy at Mall of America. Be in the know about every show at Houseof Comedy.net. All right. You see how I changed gears right there real quick?

I went from being pissed off to being funny. So, yeah, just a little, A little plug there if you're in the Minnesota area, the House of Comedy at the Mall of America. It starts tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I will be there live October 6th, right through the weekend to October 9th. So I hope you guys can get out there, spread the word, and come visit me and watch me do some live stand-up comedy. Maybe I'll even go off about cell phones, huh? Crab apples.

By George, I think he's got it. Okay. Now, speaking of my zingers and my comedy, sometimes, you know, comedy just comes up out of nowhere. And, you know, sometimes it's a big joke. Sometimes it's mediocre. Sometimes it's little. But sometimes you just come up with one like right out of nowhere. You don't even know where you got it from. And sometimes you give yourself a little pat on the back. Now, this joke I came up with, I don't know if it's any good or not. But for some reason, it was like instantaneous. It was quick. It came right out of the shotgun in the moment. And I think it's somewhere in the middle between good and fairly good. But here's the scenario. Because every now and then we all, the point I'm making here is every now and then we all get a good zinger, right?

And you feel good. You're like, oh, man, that was good, man. And you hope people around you hear it. You're like, oh, I hope everybody heard that because that was quick, man. that was freaking quick. That was like Speedy Gonzalez quick. Right? And so,

and so the other day I was, I was at a little pool gathering. It was a hot, hot, sticky day. And swimming was going on. And one of the young girls that was there, swimming as she was walking by in her bikini, you know, beautiful body.

And she just, kind of threw it out loud, you know, kind of hoping she'd get a compliment. She said as she strutted by in her bikini that revealed, you know, bikinis, you know, the same as wearing underwear, so you can almost see just about everything. And she says out loud, she goes, do I have cellulite? And like within a second, I don't know how it came to me, but I said, no, I think you have Verizon. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much. what you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at

Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, Walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways.

We're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. Wait for it, wait for it. So, I don't know if it's a good day. joke it up. But in that instant, I kind of went, it has the word sell in it and it has the word light. It almost sounds like it could be a phone carrier. It could be some kind of a phone

service like Verizon or, you know, what are the other ones? T-Mobile. I don't know what all the other ones are, but it felt like it sounded like it fit somehow. Do I have cellulite? No. you have Verizon. And it took a little second because it kind of connects, but it doesn't. But at the same time, once it was thrown out there, it got a laugh. And it was so stupid and so, you know, ridiculous. But that's the fun of comedy, I guess, right? So there you go.

There's me sharing my little quick wit. Every now and then you find a little gem. At least I thought it was funny. You be the judge. It's always fun when you get one of those. I remember once when I was younger, I was out in a baseball field playing baseball with a bunch of the guys, and somebody cracked a really, like, high, long, you know, ball,

and it flew out, and it kind of like, it went out off to the side. It was like a foul ball, and someone had parked a van over there. and the ball went flying through the air and bang it hit the side of the van and digged off the van and one of the guys in the baseball group goes hey what's with the vandalism so you get it the ball hit the van vandalism and uh i don't know i always like it when people come up with those quirky one-liners that just seem to fit in the moment and so i thought i'd ask you guys if you've ever had a good one-liner. You know, something quick that just kind of fit the moment perfectly.

And if you want to share it, I'd love to play your one-liner. Or if you heard a quick one-liner from someone, not from a movie or a comedy album or anything like that, it's got to be from real life. I want to hear the story behind your one-liner. And I'm sure there's, I'm sure everybody has one or two. So if you're feeling compelled and you'd like to share and let us have a laugh, please do it. The numbers 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3. Share with us your one-liners and we'll put them on the show. We'll play them on the show. I'll try and get a whole collection of them.

You know, if I can get 10 or 20 of you to call in, I'll put them all together and we'll have a whole, whole, whole segment of one-liners. If you can't remember the phone number, just go to Harlandwilliams.com, and the phone number is there. 3-2-3-7-39-4-3-30. I have a weird answering machine set up. It rings about six times before it picks up.

So don't be discouraged. And leave us your one-liners. And now let's do a segment that I've been experimenting with for the last two podcasts. uh it's based off a segment i did a while back about the concept of when you pick up a garden hose and drink from it as an adult your mind flashes back to events that happened when you were a kid at least it happened for me and some of you other pavement pounders rode in and called in and shared your experiences so i decided to write a short story that turned out to be 70 pages long so it's kind

have a long story, so I promised you guys I'd play 10 pages every podcast until the whole story was done. So let's listen now to segment three of the Time Machine Garden Hose. And if for some reason you haven't heard the first two segments, I suggest you just go back to podcasts and listen to those before you jump into hearing this one. Or if you're not interested, you can just listen to this one, or if you're not interested at all, you can just scroll right to the end of the podcast. Oh, my God. So here it is. Part 3, the Garden Hose Time Machine, as read by yours truly and written by yours truly, Harlan Williams. Vandalism. No, you have Verizon. Here it is. Hope you enjoy. The next day at work, Brett could not focus.

He kept on thinking about the kiss by the bonfire, about his best friend, Scotty Dorfman, who he hadn't seen her talk to in nearly 25 years. Brett sat at his desk and stared at his computer screen. Facebook, he thought out loud. Furiously, Brett searched through 20 Scotty Dorfman profiles until finally he came across a Scotty with the same shit-kicking grin that was Scotty's trademark. There was no denying it was him.

Brett clicked on his profile and sure enough, there was some old photos of Scotty in his younger years, always smiling, always happy. But the current photos were not as kind. Brett sunk back in his chair as he viewed the current versions of his childhood friend. Scotty was grossly overweight. his one's black, wavy hair now gone from the top and scant remains on the sides over his ears. Scotty did not look healthy. Brett looked down at his own emerging gut and pinched it with his free hand.

He was nowhere near Scotty's girth, but Brett realized fully that he had not been responsible with his own body, that he had an essence let himself go. Suddenly, Brett was depressed. He was looking at himself the way he had never wanted to see himself. just another human being running the rat race, letting time wear him down as it did to so many others. Brett went to close his computer, but at the last second, changed his mind.

He decided to message Gotti. Just say hello. Let him know he was alive. Unsure of even what to say, Brett kept it simple and typed, Hey, Dufus, remember me? It's Brett, your best friend from a million years ago. How you've been?

Brett. It seemed like an eternity before Brett clicked the send button, but he did, not sure where this would lead, whether he would even get a response. Either way, the deed was done. The message was out there. At lunch, Brett bought a tuna sandwich at the food court next door to his office building. Out back was a courtyard with flowers, grass, and a small fountain. Brett liked to sit there and eat, but people watch even more. It was a calm setting and it relaxed him. The sun shining on his face always made him feel warm all over.

The flow of different people walking to and fro, always pushing his imagination, wondering who they were and what they did. Halfway through his sandwich, Brett noticed something across the courtyard that on any other day would have not been of any interest, but in the light of recent events, he now couldn't have been more interested. The groundskeeper was spraying water on some of the flowers and shrubs that lined the small footpath. Somehow it mesmerized Brett. The foamy white water spurting from the hose was as enticing to him as a moth to a flame.

Almost involuntarily he rose from his seat, leaving his lunch behind and wandering over to the groundskeeper. Brett stopped and just watched for a few minutes, the water dousing the rose petals, leaving behind small. beads of liquid on the bright green leaves. Not unnoticed by the groundskeeper, he halted his watering duties momentarily to address Brett. Hello, sir. How are you today? Brett didn't answer, his gaze still fixed on the spouting water hose. Beautiful day, sir, is it not?

Brett, realizing someone was talking to him, snapped back to attention. Yes, yes, a wonderful day. The two just stared at each other awkwardly for a moment. before Brett broke the silence with an unusual request. Would it be okay if I took a quick drink of water from the hose? The groundskeeper looked a little surprised, looked at Brett, then up at the sun, then back at Brett. Of course, signor, the sun, it catches up on you.

He nodded and smiled as he handed the hose to breath. Thank you. Thank you so much. Brett felt the water coursing through the hose. as he wrapped his hand around it. He brought it up to his mouth and almost instantly, like before, he was transported somewhere far away. Tommy's father's station wagon creeped to a slow stop right in front of Brett's house. All the lights were off save for the yellow bug light on the porch. Tommy put the car and park. Can you believe it, Brett? I actually got to put this hand

on one of Tanya Reese's booms. Wow. Tommy held up his right hand towards Brett. The fingers curled into a cup shape. Tanya fucking Reese, buddy. Brett tilted his head back and laughed. It was through her sweater, Scotty. It technically doesn't count. Oh, what are you? Fucking kidding? Come on, man. Don't take this away from me. Every dude in school would die to do what I did. I should charge dudes just to stiff my hand. Five bucks to snort Tonya Reese's left titty. Five bucks. Ha, ha, ha. You are out of control, Tommy. The two of them laughed until they were exhausted. Then, with hardly any breath left inside of them, Wait, speaking of tail, who is the smoking blonde you were all cuddled up to?

Brett was hesitant to answer. The moment he had spent with Sherry was so very special and so intimate. He didn't want to violate it by sharing it with anyone. especially Tommy Dorfman, who he knew would make a joke about it. But Tommy was his best friend, and Brett knew it was Buddy Code that you always had to tell what you had done with a girl. With the laughter subsided, Brett took a breath and assembled his thoughts. Okay, her name is Sherry Kilbourne. She's a grade below us, Mrs. Sanderson's class. We've seen each other around a few times and just, I don't know, you know, connected. Connected?

Buddy, you were crawling down her throat, man. Brett grinned embarrassedly, but proud at the same time. Yeah, I did, he stammered. So? So what? Brett pretended he didn't know what Tommy wanted. So Tommy persisted. I asked her to the prom, Brett said nervously.

What? Are you? You asked her to the prom? Tommy shocked because Brut. Brett to shift uncomfortably in his seat. What? Tommy stared at Brett, and a smile crept across his face. That is big, buddy, really big, the fucking prom?

There's just something about her, Tommy. I don't know. It just kind of came out. Tommy gripped the steering wheel and stared silently through the front windshield down the empty street. A buddy silence filled the car. I better get inside. It's late.

Brett broke the quiet. Don't say anything to anyone, okay, Tommy? I don't want everyone asking a bunch of stupid questions. And yeah, yeah, I know the drill. Brett, relax. It's me, Tommy. They stared at each other for a moment before Tommy continued. You know what?

Good for you, buddy. Good for you. Thanks, Tommy. I don't know if I could have done it without sipping on that scotch. Tommy smiled and pushed Brett out the passenger side door. Go on. out of here, Romeo. I'll see you tomorrow. Brett rolled out the door and shut it softly behind him. The station wagon pulled away and Brett stood alone on the quiet street. After a quick

straightening of his hair and blasting a mouthful of his breath into his palm to see if it still smelled like booze, he walked up the lawn and into his house. In the front hallway, Brent carefully closed the heavy wooden door behind him. Sometimes the latch clicked so hard. it could be heard from upstairs. He slowly maneuvered the door into place, and the click was as soft as a bobby pin dropping on the floor. The house was dark as Brett turned and walked towards the stairs. As he passed by the living room, he glanced sideways,

only realizing once he had already mounted the first stair that something was out of place. Something caught his eye, an obscure shape, or maybe even a shadow. Slowly, Brett backed up and allowed his vision to search through the dark for the anomaly that he had detected. And then, over in the far corner, next to the curtain on the living room window, he could see the silhouette of hair backlit by the glow of the street light. Someone was sitting there, alone, in the shadows. "'Mum?' Brett said, his voice filled with uncertainty.

There was no answer as Brett cautiously stepped into the living room, move closer. Mom, is that you? Leave me alone, honey. Go to bed. His mother's voice was soft and unsteady. What are you doing up alone? Where's dad?

Brett had now closed the gap between the stairs and his mother. He reached for the nearby lamp. Don't turn that on, Brett. Leave me alone. But it was too late. Brett had never known his mother to be up at this hour, let alone, sulking in the darkness in the living room. Brett's fingers pinched the light switch under the shade and he turned it on.

The small wattage bulb lit up, still enough to make both of them flinch. When Brett's eyes adjusted, he was face to face with his mother, the frail, delicate women that she was. Brett's mouth dropped open in shock, if not horror. His mother stared back at him expressionless. Her left eye clouded with blood. her cheek bruised and purple a stream of dry blood hardened and cracked stemming from the corner of her mouth breton held deeply loudly just short of screaming he felt a pain rippled through his chest in his heart he grabbed his chest plate just below his throat and took several steps back sir signor are you okay sir the voice of the groundskeeper was loud in brett's ear he could feel his

firm grip on his shoulder. Sir, do you need some help, signor? Brett stepped back and stared into the groundkeeper's face. He could only imagine what he must be thinking, staring back into Brett's horrified eyes. Brett coughed and spit out some of the water he had been drinking. What? Yeah, yes, yes, I'm fine, Brett insisted unsuccessfully. The water just went down the wrong pipe.

I must have swallowed too much. Brett forced a fake smile to the groundskeeper to make him think he was okay. Visibly startled the groundskeeper grasped the garden hose and tried to pull it from Brett's hand. He was surprised by Brett's reluctance to release his grip. Signor, the hose, please! The groundskeeper tugged again,

and this time the hose came loose. Brett took a few steps backwards and shook his head sideways at the groundskeeper. Still confused the groundskeeper. keeper cocked his head sideways, unsure of Brett's strange behavior. Brett kept stepping backwards before turning and breaking into a full-on run. He dashed across the park, his tie flapping up into his face with each desperate stride. It almost looked like he was running away from something. Maybe he was. Eventually, Brett stopped. He had to. He was completely out of breath, spent. He held

onto the side of a medium-sized maple tree and gasped for air. His brow sweaty, his cheeks flush. His lungs burned and his chest hurt as oxygen heaved in and out of his open mouth like a fish on dry land. Brett was pretty sure he was close to vomiting as he hunched over and tried to recuperate. It would be a full 20 minutes before Brett could clear his head, compose himself, and head back to his office. sitting behind his imitation wood desk breck could not concentrate he realized this wasn't just daydreams or flashbacks something was going on something bigger his drinks from the garden hose were too real as if he was there living in the past alive in moments that he had already lived but why was he going back to select

moments he asked himself why the bonfire why the horrible night when he found his battered mother skulking in the shadows of the living room. Before Brett could answer any of those questions, a Facebook message popped up on his computer. Brett glanced at it without interest. Hey, stupid, it's Scotty. But upon seeing it was his old childhood friend getting back to him, Brett abandoned all other thoughts and focused his full attention on the computer screen. He typed back excitedly,

Hey, you old mutt, where the hell are you? what are you doing these days been a long time brett hit the send button certain that scotty would message back instantly it was only after an hour past that brett realized that a swift response from scotty was not to come at least not yet at dinner that night sherry could see that brett was a million miles away disconnected from her and the family brett is everything okay she asked softly Brett took a moment to respond. What? Oh, yeah, just thinking about some work stuff.

Sherry looked at them doubtfully and cleared away the dessert dishes. Kids, go play in the living room while Daddy and I have a coffee. The kids weren't about to argue their mother's instructions. Playing in the living room is exactly what they wanted to hear. As Nathan and Kelly darted down the hall, Shelley sat down across from Brett and placed her hands on the table. are you sure you're okay baby i know things got a little heavy in the bedroom the other day but maybe i should be more no brett cut her off everything you said was fine it was right sherry sat back

in her chair somewhat astonished with his remarks she hadn't heard her husband be so forthcoming like this before she took a moment before formulating her next sentence maybe it was overdue brett blurted out. Sherry looked at him, her heart softening slightly, almost as if he had just handed her a gift. She was witnessing a side of Brett she wasn't familiar with. After a few more moments of silence, Sherry decided to take advantage of this emotional sharing, before Brett had a chance to put his defenses up again. Why were you crying yesterday, Brett? What? He answered defensively. Sherry didn't want him to feel he was being attacked and risk him closing up on him. So she rephrased the question so that it wasn't so direct.

When I walked in on you yesterday, you were sitting on the bed with your hands on your face. You seemed very upset, and I was wondering, my father. I was crying about my father. Oh, Brett, Sherry said lovingly, knowing full well the angst that surrounded Brett and his father. I never did say goodbye to him. I knew he was dying, but I never went to see him. Brett could feel his emotions welling up inside. Sherry knew how sensitive this was to Brett,

and she got up, circled the table, and went and sat beside him. She placed a hand on his thigh. It was a long time ago, baby. A lot of things happened. You did what your heart told you. Brett turned and stared at her deeply. what if my heart was wrong sherry swallowed completely unprepared for that answer brett don't do this to yourself baby it was a long time ago you were young brett hung his head and nodded slightly sherry continued to rub his thigh comfortingly after a few minutes of silence brent looked up and stared in her eyes do you still love me sherry sherry was blindsided she had her had no idea a question like this would come out of her husband.

She was 100% unprepared for it. She stared at him like a deer in headlights. She searched his face. But even more, she searched for an answer, an answer that should have been instantaneous, automatic. She should have blurted out, Of course I love you! But instead, she couldn't find the words.

Brett stared at her intensely, his face expressionless. cold and as empty as Sherry's non-answer. Without waiting for her to speak, he pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. He looked at her as if he was broken. I don't know if I blame you. Sherry slumped in her chair as Brett walked away, down the hall and out the front door.

Sherry remained seated. She did not go after him. So there it is. is part three of the time machine water hose garden hose time machine uh the plot thickens it keeps uh keeps uh keeps taking our our lead character bread into some interesting places some familiar and maybe uncomfortable places where will it all end I don't know, you'll have to keep listening. We have a number of installments still to go.

And I hope you're enjoying it. If you'd like to comment on your feelings about the short story, you can call me at 323-739-433. And don't forget if you're a premium member, man, you're already way ahead of this episode. If you're a premium member, you're already like halfway through the whole story. because all of the premium members got to hear this stuff way before you guys did.

And I don't mean to dangle that, but that's one of the perks of being a premium member. They're going to know the whole story and where it finishes before any of y'all, y'all, y'all going to y'all. But maybe you like it this way. Maybe you like it doled out in little segments. I don't know. Maybe you don't like it at all. But you can let me know. It sure was fun to write it.

and it sure took me on a journey as my method of writing isn't really to plot anything out I do not sit down and kind of create the story and make a checklist of where it's going I literally I just start writing I start writing and let the words come to me I let the story take me

and so it's very exciting for me it's just as enthralling for me to write it as I hope it is for you guys to hear it or read it because I'm as in the dark as you guys are as to where this thing's going or where it ends up. And, you know, I'll sit down and write 10 or 15 pages and then, you know, take a break for four days and come back and just kind of pick up where I left off. And my brain kind of just steers the ship. And so the final result is what you're hearing.

so yeah there's some more episodes to go I'm excited to bring those to you and like I said give me your feedback if you want to 323739 40 330 if you want to become a premium member it's only $20 a year just go to my website

Harlandwilliams.com click on the app or the podcast link and you will be guided on how to become a premium member it's so easy it's like a couple of clicks and you're done.

And not only do you get stuff like this, bonus stuff like this story ahead of everyone else. You also get the whole back catalog of the Harland Highway, all 800-plus episodes. When you join for free, you still get a lot of episodes. You get the 50 most current episodes, which is a lot, probably more than a lot of podcasts. But you also get my other podcast.

Let's have a fight. stand-up comedy clips, my special interviews, all kinds of great stuff. So please become a premium member. Just go to, and also get our free app. Go to your app store and just click the Harlan Highway and it will pop up and you can join the app for absolutely free. And don't forget, I will be in Minnesota starting tonight. Yes, October 6 through the 9th at the Mall of America. I think it's the biggest mall in the world. Good Lord. The food court's so big you can actually resolve your speeding tickets. Hello, there's a pond. Look out. Don't forget to send me your one-liners. And then the following two weeks,

October 20th to the 23rd, I will be in San Jose, California at the Improv. Great, great club. You got to get on board for that. And then going into November, oh, my God, November 11 and 12, I'll be in Denver at Comedy Works in Denver, then the following week, November 17th to the 20th, I'll be in San Diego at the Canadian, at the American Comedy Co. And then Thanksgiving weekend, special weekend, I'll be in Irvine, California. at the improv. Oh, yeah, you got to come out for Thanksgiving.

Have some laughs. Well, give thanks for my comedy. How's that? So there you go. You can write me at harlo-williams.com. You can call me, once again, the number 323-739-433. Hey, gang, hope you had a great time here today. If you're on your cell phones, keep it to a dim,

keep it to a low volume, make everyone else happy. That's it. Thank you for being here. friends to get on the Harland Highway, and until next time, chicken, chowmaine, baby.