The Harland Highway - 809 - HARLAND ON MORNING RADIO. OLDchella concert. Garden hose story continued

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

Follow Harland on a morning radio slog. Part 5 of the Garden hose story. Off to the OLDchella music fest. And calls from listeners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show. I hope it doesn't blow. What a show. Oh, my God, my insecurity. I don't have any insecurity. I'm a podcast. Are you kidding? It takes balls to podcast, man.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I am Harland Williams. What a show today. Of course, we're going to read another segment of my short story, the Garden Host Time Machine, at the end of the podcast. where we're going to do episode segment five. That should be a lot of fun. Also, we're going to be taking some of your phone calls

and reading a few of your letters today, talking about various things, also talking about one-liners that I'd referenced on a recent podcast. Some of you have called in and written in with some of your funny one-liners, which I love. Thank you so much for doing that. And then also, I'm going to take. you on a little ride with me.

Someone wrote in and asked me about what's it like to be on the radio when you go to these different cities and tour and do your stand-up comedy. So I recorded a segment of me doing some early morning radio and trying to be funny with sleep still in my eyes. And so you're going to go on that journey with me on today's podcast. It's going to be a whole lot of fun. It always is. Put your helmet on.

It's the Harlan. Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is. Fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello. Hello. Well, hey, Harlan. My name's Aaron and my brother Charlie's right here.

And let me tell you something. He wants you to come down to Austin to San Antonio. We miss you, man. Hold on a second. Erland, we listen to every day. You're the best, buddy. Chicken Chalmayne, baby. Aaron and Charlie.

What a nice way to kick off the show with such a friendly, nice phone call from Aaron and Charlie. My name's Aaron. Oh, Aaron. How nice. Where's Charlie? My brother, Charlie's right here. Where? here. Okay, can you get them? Hold on a second. Thanks, Aaron. My name's Aaron. I know. Charlie,

are you there? Erlin? Yes, Charlie. I'm right here. You're the best, buddy. Oh, thanks, man. And let me tell you something. Yes, Aaron, go ahead. My name's Aaron. Yes, Aaron. You're the best, buddy. Thank you, Charlie. My name's Aaron. Okay, Aaron. I got to start my podcast now. Thank you. My brother, Charlie's right here. I know, guys, but I got to get going. Erlin? Charlie? Let me tell you something. Aaron, I really got to start my podcast.

Alan? Charlie, yes. We miss you, man. Aaron, I get it, but I have to do my podcast now. My name's Aaron. Aaron. Alan. Charlie, Aaron.

Guys, guys, guys, I've got to start my show. We want you to come down to Austin to San Antonio. Okay, I get it, and I will try, guys. But I really need to start my podcast. Erlin? Charlie? You're the best, buddy. Guys, thank you, thank you so much.

I got to go now, okay? Erlin? Yes, yes, Charlie. You're the best, buddy. Thank you, Charlie. Erland? I think I know, Charlie. I'm just going to take a guess here that I'm the best.

You're the best, buddy. Okay, guys, I got to say goodbye. Thank you for calling. Goodbye, guys. You can chalmain, baby. Wow, I love hearing from you guys, you know. No one says I don't have eccentric listeners, but I love getting your calls. If you want to call and wish me well or say anything you want, 323-739, 43330.

Thank you, Aaron, and Charlie. Hello? Hello. Hey, Arlen. and there's a couple quick one-liners that I came up with one time years ago

a group of my friends and I were trying to convince our other friend to come along with us to do something and everybody was trying to convince him and he went down and so I said

come on give into peer pressure all your friends do and like you know everybody thought that was funny and elicited quite a response it was a hat for him thought I didn't really

even know what I was saying at the time and then another time I had two female friends, Melanie and Tiffany, and I ran into them in the hallway one time at work. And I'm like, hey, it's Melanie and Sniffany. And, like, everybody just busted that out laughing. Like, that was the funniest thing ever.

Later. Oh, that is awesome. Smelny and Sniffony or whatever. What did you say? Hey, it's Melanie and Sniffney. Oh, Alan? Charlie, no, this isn't your call. Geez, Smelny and Sniffney.

I like that a lot, man. Oh, that is gold. That is really gold. Speaking of Smelly and Snifony and these one-liners, this goes back to the last podcast we did, where I asked you guys to write in or call in and share your one-liners with me. We have another one of the pavement pounders.

But before we get to that, I remembered one that I did a long time ago that was just, it was a really bizarre one, but it just cracked everyone up. Here was my one liner. We were, me and like 10 friends, we rented a van, and we all drove up to like Mammoth Mountains in California to go skiing one winter. And so, you know, you drive through the California desert, and then eventually you hit. like elevation and suddenly you're in like snow country and like you know five feet of snow skiing and so we had a great ski weekend and on the way home we were driving back through the desert and someone someone in a oh my god i'm cracking up already um someone in a white pickup truck had flipped their truck we didn't see it but we came in it must have just happened like two

minutes before we got there and they'd flip their pickup truck or spilled it or tipped it over on the side of the road and there was a very large lady a fat lady standing by the truck and it looked like the contents of the truck i don't know if they were getting supplies for a camp or whatever but there was tons of food all over the ground it was like cans and and like groceries everywhere and here was this flipped over truck and this fat lady standing beside all the food and there was the car, the truck wreck, and I just blurted out, oh, it looks like somebody's on a crash diet. And it really, it just came into my head in that second and it just, it just fit perfectly

because we had the car crash, we had the fat lady who had the food everywhere, and we had the term crash diet and it just it just popped and uh it was it was a keeper man i always remembered that one but uh here's one from one of our listeners this came from uh kyle and he wrote he wrote he wrote in and he said hey harland enjoyed your uh no i think you have verizon one liner joke on the last podcast it gave me a big laugh in case you missed it uh a girl at a pool party and a bikini He said to me, do I have cellulite? And I said, no, you have Verizon. So Kyle wrote, he wanted to share one of his recent one-liners.

So here is his letter. Late last night, my dad, uncle, brother, and I were outside, circled around a fire, talking, telling stories, and looking up at the stars. My dad asked if anyone could find the big dipper. I looked down, lifted my shorts open, and said, Found it. I like that, man. Kyle says,

corny and kind of crude, I know, and probably not that funny, but they got a kick out of it. I know there's been better ones, but I can't remember them at the moment. Kyle, don't sell yourself short, bro. Come on, bro. I mean, what's up?

That's a good one. That's a keeper. That's what I love about one-liners because they just come out of the moment. They're not scripted. They're not planned. You're basically improvising. You're going off as someone else's comment. And who cares if they're crude?

Why is everyone apologizing for crude? Don't get me started with this Donald Trump stuff. Yes, it's crude. It's crude in a country where there's a $20 trillion porn industry. And everyone acts like they're shocked. And they've never heard these words. And yeah, I know it's coming from a candidate, but it was a long time ago.

Anyways, let's get back to Kyle's letter. Kyle says, loving the podcast, as always, appreciate your continuously putting them out there twice a week. They always put me in a great mood. Thanks for the constant laughs, entertaining stories, and highest quality podcasting. Wow, man. And then he says, chicken chowmaine, baby.

Chicken chowmaine, baby? Aaron, no, not your time here. Oh, I knew it was coming. Did you notice I had a little pause there? Charlie, no, not your time. You guys had your call. I'm with Kyle right now reading his letter and his very funny one-liner about the big dipper.

So that was from Kyle. Oh, and Kyle has a PS here. He says, P.S. really digging the cousin CD. Wow. For those of you that don't know, one of the many things I do in my life is I also have a hobby band with my cousin, Kevin Hearn, who is a member of the Bare Naked Ladies. He was also a Lou Reed, the late great Lou Reed's band leader in the final like five years of Lou's career before he died recently. So my cousin Kevin has all the musical talent And we've been singing and playing For decades together

And guess what This is cool you brought this up Because this is something I was going to save till next year But the cousins Me and my cousins Are actually putting out a legit album next year We've actually been in the studio

We've been laying down Brand new songs we've got a killer new song called Rattlesnake Love that's probably going to be the name of our album and it's coming man in 2017 you are going to be able to hear a legit cousin CD and we are super excited man

we are actually just putting the final touches on it now all the songs have been recorded and oh my God so so cool that you you dig the Cousin CD. By the way, the last cousin CD, the love song ears, which is available on my website,

we put that out, I think, 10 years ago. You know, it's a hobby band. Kevin tours all over the world with the bare naked ladies, and I tour all over the world in my stand-up comedy and my TV and movie career, and so it's very difficult for us to get together.

He lives in Toronto. I live in Los Angeles. And so the fact that we're even able to to put music together as a miracle. But, you know, we finally, you know, after tooling around with a lot of songs, we finally decided to take a real crack at it. And so next year, look for our new album. And speaking of my cousin, Kevin, oh, my God, he's coming in tonight.

He's coming into town tonight. And we are going to this, I think it's called Old Cella. It's the rock concert out in. Indigo or wherever. It's out in the desert near Palm Springs, California. And this could be the last hurrah for, you know, pretty much the people that created rock and roll. Listen to who's at this three-day festival. It's Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, the Who, Roger Waters, Bob Dylan, Neil Young.

I mean, it's just a crazy lineup of incredible. talent. And so we're going out for this concert. We're going to spend three days listening to music in the desert. And, you know, let's be honest, some of these guys, it could be their last hurrah. I think Mick Jagger is 75 years old. And make no mistake, these guys have laid down some incredible music. I mean, I went to see the Stones in Germany back in the 90s.

And I just went because I was bored and I, you know, I was missing home and I wanted something that reminded me of my youth. And I go see the Stones and I was like, wait a minute, like one hit song after another. Like, these guys just have such a deep library of hits that it blew my mind and they put on such a show. To this day, the Rolling Stones concert I went to in Germany who is the best rock concert I've ever been to in my life. It really stood out. It was incredible. So Kevin and I are going to this three-day thing, and I will try and record some of it. I will try and, you know, do some audio clips from there,

and then hopefully you guys can hear some of that when we get back. So looking forward to it, I'll give you an update, and it's going to be fun. Okay, now, well, I'm in the mailbox here. You guys write me at harlough williams.com, and I love getting your letters. And I got a letter here. I'm going to read the next one. It's from Greg De Smet. Hey, everybody.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select. any one item, it could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And he wrote, the subject is making fun of football players' names. Greg wrote, I love your humor.

I heard a bit on the radio of you making fun of a football player's name. I can't remember who the player was. How can I find that clip? It was the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Thank you, Greg. Well, Greg, it's so funny that you wrote this email because it's very timely. I recently did a radio station in Pittsburgh when I was working at a club there

and I decided to record I decided to record the conversation with the DJs because a lot of times when I'm doing radio interviews I'm just winging it like you're just making it up on the spot and so I thought you know a lot of times some fun comedy comes out of this and I'm going to record it and you know you know everyone in Pittsburgh can hear it but the rest of my listeners don't get to hear it and if it's funny

I want you guys to hear it so I don't know if this is the segment that you heard because you know I don't know what city you heard it in you just said you heard me talking about it you got to remember I travel all over the country and when I go into a city I usually do three or four radio stations per city So I'm not sure if this was the one, but I'm going to play some, hopefully, some funny clips from my radio interview in Pittsburgh. Great guys that work there are just really cool, amazing fun guys, and they always have a good time with me and I have a good time with them. So here it is, here's me, yours truly. Actually, you know what, hold on, hold on, Roger.

Just to give you guys a full kind of experience, instead of just cutting right to me on the radio, I want you guys to get a sense of what it feels like to, you know, be there. So I'm going to take you from the beginning where, you know, I get to the radio station at like, you know, six in the morning. It's early, man. This is the hard part of doing stand-up comedy because we work at night.

We work late to like one in the morning, but we have to be up at 6 a.m. You think we're just partying and, you know, waking up with two chicks in our bed. Sometimes. Ah, no, no, no, no. But, no, we get up early and we hit these radio stations hard, and we have to be on. Can you imagine trying to be on and funny at 6 in the morning

after you've been up to one or two the night before, it's really not that easy. And like I said, you're kind of winging it. So here's me walking down the hall. You know, the greeter is taking me into the studio. These guys just got a new studio. I start talking about it at my goatee and have a listen. Yeah, the studio is a little bit bigger than the last time you were here.

Oh, cool. That's fun. You move studios, huh? Yes, sir? How come? Wow. Hey, look. Here, who's here?

Who do you want me, bud? Here, man, there. What's going on? How are you? Welcome to the new studios. Good to see you, man. Right on street. Yeah, how about it?

How's it going, brother? You saved my life. I was upstairs wandering around. Nomad to see you again. Roestein, you good? Yeah. How are you? Nice to see you again.

To see you. What a treat. Does you first time since we had the studio, right? This is gorgeous, yeah. We have a sit in. This is this morning. This is Tom Fischer. What a treat.

This is beautiful. You deserve this, man. Yeah. This is great. You're rocking a pretty presidential goatee there, right? I know. I like it. It's a clip on, but it's not bad.

I feel like Satan had sex with a Civil War reenactors. It's ridiculous. Admiral Burnside. Colonel Custards, House of Grace. How was what? Did you do a show last night? No, no.

I actually took myself out to dinner and a movie because like an idiot. All the improvs do Thursday to Sunday shows. So I automatically book my tickets for Wednesday night. So I got here yesterday. and there's no sh, and I'm like, I came in a day early. Because you don't think, right? You know, because this is the only improv that doesn't do Thursdays.

Wait, when did they lop that off? I thought that was just like you probably graduated to do it. Maybe. I'm so, my agents must have graduated me and not. But I'm so, like, I always do Thursdays. We actually said you were going to be there yesterday on the show. We're like, hey, Harlan starts to do it. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's all right. right some lucky bastard sold the improv out last year some newcomer like wow I'm pretty good this is easy by the way I should point out the one and only the great Harley Williams is amazing oh hi hi hi hi hi he is at the improv all weekend long 412 41625233 Improv.com it's a pleasure to see you friends it's a pleasure and an on on hoar honor Honor. It's been a while. This is your first time

in the new studios. Yeah, glorious. It's beautiful, man. It does feel like a spaceship in here. It's very high tech. Feels like we could be moving right now. So does that make you hand solo and I'm chewy? I don't know what I just said,

but if you guys get hit by the FCCA, that sounds like. you. That's on you. FCC. What is it? What's the, FCC? What's the A part? There is no A.

I think you just added on. I wonder what he sounds like when he achieves. I wonder if he just goes, Oh, God. That's the only time he speaks English. Oh, my God. Half-flak. Flack!

Is that possible? Maybe it was possible, yeah. How would you find it under that hair? Chubbacca Achilles. I wonder if you need a dust devil to even find it under all that hair. You're like lifting up a shag curtain and a fine heaven. Wait a minute. Why would I think a wookie as hard is heaven?

What's wrong? God. Harlan Williams is... soon. Something's not right. It's not. He went back into the Yoda. Somehow I went into Yoda. It's 56 degrees at DVE.

The news is brought to us by UPMC rehab services. There is word that some of Donald Trump's top advisors want to turn debate prep over to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. CNN is reporting it, but Christie says, says no one from Trump's team has made an official ask. It wouldn't be an unusual move since Christy helped Trump prep for GOP primary debates after dropping out of the presidential race. The Trump campaign reportedly sent out an email yesterday asking for advice from supporters

about what he needs to do to clearly win the second debate with Hillary Clinton. That's according to 24-7 news source. One thing you don't want to ask Chris Christie for is advice on how to wear your pants. Yeah. He pulls them way up in the front. Get that moose knuckle going. He sure does. Is that what that is?

It's a moose knuckle. It looks more like a mushroom cloud to me. Just like real puffy and wide. Looks like it could knock a boat out of the water. You know? Just a giant puff. You ever see a puff ball out in the field? Is it like from the mushroom family?

What is a puff ball? It's a round. It's like a fungus. or a mushroom. It looks like a mushroom, but it's just a... It looks like a round, like some of them get as big as footballs. And you squeeze them, and it looks

like smoke comes out of them. They're really peculiar, like this weird, like kind of like Star Trek-y spore stuff comes out. I must squeeze the buffball. And I feel like if you punch Chris Christie right in the groin, like that smoke would come out,

like from a puffball. I must punch Chris Christie right The puff box. According to a new study, the popular saying, Happy Wife, happy life is totally true. Yeah. Because having a happy spouse boosts physical health. Researchers took a look at over 2,000 people

and found those with happy spouses were much more likely to report better health over time. On the other hand, people with unhappy spouses end up dealing with more physical ailments. I Wow And that's a great theory and everything Unless your wife makes you miserable You know happy wife

Happy life If doing what's necessary to make her happy Makes you miserable Well then that just doesn't Yeah you know the old saying right Today is the first day of the rest of my wife Right after you get married You should put that placard up on your wall

It keeps you in line Yeah I don't know who's the Han Solo in that relationship Oh, my God. An Iowa man is in deep doo-doo after leaving a pile of his own on the porch of a house he tried to break into while naked. Belize responded to a 911 call from a homeowner who said a naked man had been trying to push his way in, but then just gave up, pooped on the porch, and left. While the time, officers arrived on the scene, the guy was long gone, but he had left behind his car. close his car keys and his wallet containing a driver's license that identified him as Thomas Larry Warren.

Warren was still naked and found passed out on a patch of grass a few blocks away. According to the police report, the 49-year-old had slurred speech and poor balance when awakened. He admitted he had been drinking. Yeah. He's like more than drinking. As we decay towards idiocracy, I now feel it's necessary to remind people, if you have a thought that begins with, is it okay if I poop? over there by the that's a no wherever that sentence is going the the answer to that

thought is no it's not okay it's an interesting response to not being able to break into the house yeah it's a weird way to show your frustration oh I can't figure out this Rubik's cube I take my shoes and socks and pants off better get naked nothing like coming home to a Larry dropping on the front porch and you know the funny thing is you know they found them they followed the leaves yeah Is that what it was? Yeah, he was wiped with leaves every 10 feet. There was a brown maple leaf on the ground.

So have you been in any stories? Easily solved case. Yeah, Nancy Drew. The case of the turd leaves. The leaves are turning brown early this year. Have you been in any stores yet that you've seen Christmas decorations? No, no. No, not yet. I have. Which stores are those?

It was Lowe's. Lowe's has Krispy Mell? Okay. Well, it's Halloween. Now's all the weird Halloween decker. I'm not kidding. I was at the grocery store the other day. This is a true story. I bought like, you know, eggs, bacon, margarine, cold cuts, and a skeleton of a vulture. A plastic, like they have on Isle 7. they had like skeletons and pumpkins and I saw this like cool like skeleton of a vulture and I threw it in

sorry I'm checking out with bottled water corn vulture skeleton ridiculous well you throw that in with some chicken stock and some celery yeah right really cooks up nice it's funny though because Halloween it's like you know we always go into these stores and there's skeletons and skulls and it's weird because at the end of the day it's like a dead human being. You know what I mean? It's like somehow they've made like corpses like

fun and related to kids and candy. It's like it's a dead freaking body, man. That used to be layering. Weird. Just a week ago he was pooping on porches. Yeah. Well a new survey asked people

when stores should start putting out the holiday stuff. The results are 3% say Labor Day, 7% say right now, the end of September. For Christmas, I mean, you know, I'm more of a traditional post-Hallowing is okay. Oh, I thought you were going to say post- Thanksgiving. That's your way past. And you say Thanksgiving, like you say umbrella and insurance. I put the emphasis on the other.

I say Thanksgiving. How do you say in Canada? Thanksgiving. See? Yeah. I've got that special country. I stand corrected. Yeah.

You're not corrected. It's just the choice. People have weird inflections. I have a buddy that calls turquoise, turquoise, and I had a buddy in college who called Pedestrians, Pestradians. I think that's just wrong. I know, but he was convinced. Well, there you go.

I'll cut it off there. I don't want to go on too long as suddenly you're listening to a whole different show. But that was about, what, 10 minutes or so of what it's like? And I thought you guys might like to, you know, feel the experience of, you know, like I said at the beginning, I get there. early. I sit in the green room. They come and get me. I walk in and I got to be on, man. Like, they're throwing news stories at me and we're just chit-chatting. And I'm kind of the guy that's got to kind of carry the comedy ball for a little while. And I think I was in. I think these guys

had me in there for almost two hours, at least an hour and a half. I'll play some more of it for you. you know, maybe on the next podcast, just so you guys can hear a little more. But, yeah, so it's, it's a, it's a, it's a demanding thing at the early hours of the morning. I definitely have respect for morning DJs, man, that they have to get up and create content and material and be funny and personable. And, whew, golly. So there you go, a little, little comedy for you. and I'll let's switch gears and get a little more serious. And let's do the fifth installment of my short story.

I don't know if you guys are liking it or not, but you're going to have to power through it. If you're liking it, yay, if you're hating it, I apologize. But, you know, it's a fun experiment. And in case you're not up to speed, it's a short story I wrote based off of a segment I did in podcast 500. where I talked about picking up a water hoses and out all the garden hose and drinking out of it

and it caused me to kind of flash back to when I was a kid. And so it stimulated me to write this short story that turned out to be a long story about 70 pages. So I told you guys I'd do 10 pages per episode until we finish. So this is like episode 5 and I'll read another 10 pages. pages for you, and I hope you enjoy it. If you're not enjoying it, you can turn everything off now or skip to the credits. But here it is. Back to the Garden Hose Time Machine. For the next week, life got back to normal for Brett. His emotions seemed to settle down, and true to own promise he never picked up the water hose. There was a new closeness to his kids that he could

feel and sense, but the tension in the air with Shelley seemed to go the other way. It felt like they were playing house. Being cordial, attentive, but something was missing. There was a level of uneasiness that hung in the air like a rain cloud. The conversations they had started eight days earlier were unfinished, unresolved. It seemed neither of them knew what to be. The to say or perhaps didn't want to say the things that were stirring inside. Brett could feel the heaviness of the unfinished discussions weighing down on him. He knew that Sherry would feel it too. He knew that sometime, sometime soon, the dam was going to burst. On the ninth day, Brett powered through his work. At least that had been going well. Somehow the connection he made with his children had

invigorated him somewhat, made him more enthusiastic about, well, life. It was about 3 p.m. on Friday afternoon, about an hour before Brett was going to call it quits, when a Facebook message alert popped up on his computer screen. It was Tommy. Almost ten days later, and he finally messaged Brett back. Hey, it's Friday. Want to grab a drink, old friend? Brett stared at the message for a good two minutes. He glanced over at the picture of Sherry the kids that was propped on the corner of his desk. He knew things were delicate at home, that going out for a drink with his childhood best friend probably wasn't the best idea.

Yeah, I'm in, Tommy. How about the whiskey room down on Third Street? Brett felt guilty the second he hit the send button, but something deep inside told them that he had to meet Tommy. After all these years, it was long overdue. Tommy messaged back almost immediately. Done. See you there at seven, buddy. And just like that, it was set. Brett would meet with Tommy, someone he hadn't seen or talked to in over 20 years. When Brett walked in the door of the whiskey room, he instantly felt comforted by the dim lighting. The whisper of a sonatra song playing in the background and the smell of age spirits wafting through the air.

There was a slight murmur coming from the regular Friday night crowd. Nothing too boisterous or loud, mostly downtown office people, just like him. Brett scanned the room and saw Tommy over in a small booth near the back. He waved and Tommy ushered him over as he stood up out of the worn leather seat. Brett could hardly believe it as he walked across the room. Tommy's features getting more vivid the closer he got. Soon he was right there, standing in front of him, shaking his hand, hugging him. Brett filled up with a sentimental joy.

He could see Tommy was experiencing it, too. They broke apart and looked at each other, and Tommy was the first to speak. Okay, good. I thought it was going to be the only one who had an extra 30 pounds. Brett looked down at his torso and forced to laugh, realizing Tommy was right. They were both a little bit overweight. Ha, you little shit. Look at you, Tommy.

How are you, man? Tommy gestured to the booth, and they both saw. sat down. A half-finished martini already on the table in front of Tommy. Holy shit, Brett. I can't believe it, man. Fuck, what's it been? 20 years? Ha! At least.

Maybe more. Brett replied with a little sliver of guilt in his voice. Wow, it's fucking crazy, Tommy. I mean, thank you Facebook, right? Huh, yeah, for sure. Wow. What's going on, man? Catch me up. But where are you working? What are you doing?

You still with Sherry? Kids? What? Brett laughed as Tommy's barrage of questions poured out at him. Yeah, man. Me and Sherry have two kids. Nathan and Kelly. She's great. I'm working over at Martel Industries pulling in contracts for our aeronautical department. You know, nine to five in it, man. Tommy nodded his head as Brett rolled out the highlights of his existence in less than 20 seconds. He smiled as Brett talked, waiting for more and more details, anticipating a crescendo.

But when Brett finished on the 9-to-5 thing, Tommy smile hung on his face and then slowly faded like a clumsy bird sliding down a glass window. Wow, that's intense, man. Busy life, huh? Brett sensed instantly that Tommy seemed slightly disappointed that maybe he was expecting more. Well, wait, what about you, man? you ever start that card dealership you always talked about? Tommy's eyes flittered open and shut in rapid succession, as if Brett had hit a nerve. He shifted slightly in his seat and grabbed his drink.

Nah, that never worked out. I ended up working for this guy in the West End, you know, carpet cleaning business, shampooing, stain removal. Yeah, yeah, of course, for sure. Brett tried his best to seem enthused. But hey, man, what are you drinking? You want one of these? Tommy held up his glass and taunted Brett with his dirty martini. Sure, fuck, why not? Make it a double.

Brett smiled broadly and Tommy broke out into his authentic Tommy laugh. The ice had been broken. The formalities out of the way. Tommy waved the waitress over and before long the two old friends would be six drinks deep into their unexpected reunion. At about 10.30 p.m., the drinks had loosened both the men. up considerably. Memories and stories have been flowing out of them as freely as the liquor have been flowing into their glasses. They had covered the gambit, football, girls, pranks, cars, sex, you name it. There was a look of contentment on each of their faces, like this reunion had been a good idea, but it was healthy and, dare say, needed. Both men were clearly

loosened up, their tongues no longer careful with their words. The fun, the fun, and they were fun and frivolity had begun to run out of steam, and maybe it was the booze, or maybe it was a genuine feel of concern. But Tommy cracked through the levity with a question that brought everything to a screeching halt. So, you happy Brett? Tommy's voice innocent, but yet calculated. Brett's mind visibly shifted gears. His perpetually drunk smile instantly faded, and his expression became more wistful, if not somewhat guarded. Why? Why would you ask that, Tommy? Brett's tone slightly challenging.

I don't know, buddy. You know how life is. We all go through a lot. Shit happens, right? Brett released his drink from his grasp and ran his hand through his hair. He was thinking, unprepared for Tommy's question. Tommy could sense his uneasiness and quickly change the subject. Hey, listen, forget it. it's all no no no it's a good question tommy brett interrupted i uh um bret pulled his hand out of his hair

and stared into tommy's face i'm not sure tommy i'm not sure if i'm happy tommy's expression didn't change as if he already knew the answer ahead of time do you still think about him who brett answered almost too quickly come on brett you know your dad Brett instantly looked hurt. Tommy had breached a topic that he didn't think would come up on this night. Brett went silent. Suddenly he felt he was at the table alone, all his thoughts becoming introspective immediately.

I know this must sound crazy, but I still think about it a lot. I just felt like, you know, maybe you're still suffering inside. Like maybe it's holding you back or something. Suddenly Brett snapped to full attention, gritting his teeth and his stare shifting from friendly to confrontational. Tommy knew the look and his eyes fluttered once again. Listen, Tommy, what do you know about my goddamn dad anyway? Brett's tone was harsh and direct. Tommy was unfazed.

He felt it was within the boundaries of their friendship to ask such a personal question. He replied to Brett calmly and evenly. I was there, Brett. Remember? I know how much it impacted you. It changed you. It changed me? Brett snapped.

It was never the same, man. It's when we drifted apart. You and me, best friends, Brett. We drifted apart. Brett stared at Tommy and bit his lower lip. Even in his agitated state, Brett could sense Tommy's hurt. He knew that Tommy was right. He knew that it was Brett who pushed away Tommy's.

friendship all those years ago. Brett took a deep breath before saying what he was about to say. He wasn't sure if it would make any sense. Just to be positive he could get the words out, Brett lifted his martini to his mouth, tilted it back, and swallowed every last alcoholic drop. I saw him, Tommy, Brett said bluntly. What? Who? You saw who? My dad. At my house. In the backyard two weeks ago. Brett couldn't have sounded more sincere. Tommy read Brett's face and wasn't sure about Brett's ludicrous response. Okay, you know what?

Hey, sorry I even brought it up, man. I was just concerned about you and Brett didn't let him finish. I'm not bullshitting you, man. He was there. I saw him. I saw you. I saw Sherry. Tommy sat there silently.

There was purity in Brett's voice. that he knew. I think that's subconsciously why I reached out to you, Tommy. I've been having these visions, these flashbacks. What? What are you talking about, buddy? Tommy was concerned but intrigued. Brett stared at Tommy with all the sober authenticity he could.

Let me show you, buddy. Come with me, 20-minute cab ride at this time of night, and we'll get right to my house. Buddy, maybe we better call it a night. you know, slow down a little? Brett's arm lashed across the table like a rattlesnake, his hand gripping Tommy's forearm tightly. Tommy's body jolted from the unexpected contact from Brett.

Whoa, buddy, take it easy, Brett. But Brett wouldn't be denied. Please. The two grown men stared at each other. All the nostalgia of their youth flowing back into their souls in that instant. All the laughs, all the adventures, all the secrets, all the trust. Tommy could feel Brett's needful energy coursing through his hand and pouring into him. He knew that Brett was reaching out for real. After a moment, somewhat hesitantly, Tommy put his

hand on top of Brett's and said comfortingly, let's go. A half hour later, Brett and Tommy were giggling like drunk school kids as they spilled out of the back of a cab and onto Brett's front lawn. I swear to God, Tommy. When I walked into the bar and looked around, I thought, who's the bald pervert sitting in the corner? And then you waved to me, and I went, oh, man, that's Tommy. Tommy shook his head as he laughed. He grabbed Brett's shoulder as they stumbled up the lawn towards the side gate. Ha, look who's talking, asshole. You're the one that was supposed to be a football star, remember? How's that working out for you, champ? They both stopped to laugh out loud.

Perhaps too loud. Brett grabbed Tommy's shoulder and hushed them. Shh, you don't want to wake Sherry up, man. Come on, the backyard. As quietly as two full-grown drunk men could, they soft stepped across the grass to the side gate. Once on the other side, Brett led Tommy over towards the shrubs where the garden hose was coiled on the ground.

Where the hell are we going, Brett? Jesus, it's dark back here. Brett bent down and picked up the end of the garden hose, his laughter and merriment fading into seriousness. What the hell is that, Tommy asked, as Brent held the hose up near Tommy's face. This is it, Tommy, the hose. I'm telling you, every time I drink from the hose,

I go backwards in time. Tommy stared at Brett, the drunken haze, lifting slightly. Are you shitting me, man? you brought me all the way here to show me your fucking garden hose. Come on, Brett. With all the sincerity, Brett can muster in his drunken state, he pleaded with Tommy to listen. Look, I don't know how. I don't know why, but every time I drink from a hose, it happens. Tommy just stared at Brett like he was crazy. Come on, man, what is this? Think about it, Tommy. When was the last time you drank from a garden hose? Seriously, Tommy demanded? Yeah. When? I don't know when I was a kid probably. Who thinks about this kind of shit? Exactly, Brett announced, when you were a kid just like me. And when I drank from one for the first time in 35 years, all my memories came rushing back. From when I was a kid, I mean. Tommy smiled hesitantly, amused but skeptical. And? And I want to see if it happens to you. If you drink from the hose,

if it takes you back to, you know, when you were a kid. Tommy was suddenly starting to sober up faster than he had planned. Come on, buddy, it's getting late. I better get going. But before Tommy could take a step, Brett reached over and turned on the tap. Water frothing out of the end of the hose, splashing at their feet. Please, Tommy, Brett insisted. I swear to you, I saw my dad.

Tommy could read the importance of this moment all over Brett's face. He knew he was. wasn't joking around. Hesitantly, Tommy took the hose from Brett's hand and placed his mouth on the stream of cold water. Brett watched him almost hungrily, praying that Tommy would be transported to another place in time the way he had. Tommy gently closed his eyes and took small gulps of the shimmering liquid. After a moment of drinking, Tommy's hand started to shake. Brett's mouth dropped open with astonishment. Tommy's eyes began to twitch, his head vibrating from side to side. Brett was

captivated, monitoring Tommy's every move. Within seconds Tommy's body began convulsing, his shoulders lurching, his head jerking back and forth. Suddenly Brett became concerned. Tommy? He uttered nervously, but it was no good. Tommy wasn't listening. His movements became more violent, his entire body trembling and spasming out of control. Tommy, Brett yelled. Suddenly Tommy's body came to a complete stop, frozen. Brett stood there crawling out of his skin with anticipation. Slowly, Tommy turned his head towards Brett,

and his eyes opened ever so slowly. Holy shit, buddy, you were right. I went back in time. I saw you. You were fucking Mrs. Solansky under the blue. leachers at our high school. Brett was completely fascinated but confused.

Wait, who's Mrs. Zelansky? In a raspy, almost otherworldly voice, Tommy said, our fat, disgusting grade 10 geography teacher. Brett hardly had time to be stunned before a wide mischievous smile broke from ear to ear across Tommy's

face. Ha ha ha! I got you, fucker. Ha, ha, Mrs. Salansky. Remember with the huge mole on her upper lip? Tommy was cracking up. Brett was so offended and incensed that he had no choice but to crack up, too. He scolded Tommy as he laughed. Oh, you fucking idiot.

Oh, are you serious? And she was screaming your name, too. Brett, Brett. Ha, ha, ha, Tommy added. They laughed for what seemed forever until finally their breath ran out. Brett grabbed the hose from Tommy and straightened himself. Fuck Tommy. you know what thank you i think i might have been cracking up watching you drink ha ha ha

makes me realize what a fucking dip should i've been drinking from the hose what the hell is wrong with me almost without thinking brett brought the hose up to his mouth laughter still rolling off his tongue he brought his mouth into contact with the water and suddenly his bubbly laughter seemed to acquire an echo He closed his eyes and drank. And as he looked over to Tommy, Tommy was 17 again. The bald, overweight Tommy was gone. Okay, there you go, gang. As promised, part five of the Garden Hose Time Machine story.

Hmm, interesting. Hope you're enjoying that. There's probably like three, four more segments to go, and then we're at the conclusion of this mysterious journey. Like I said, let me know what you think. If you enjoy the short story, if you hate it, if you're somewhere in between, you can write me at harlomwilms.com. You can phone me and leave a message.

323, 739, 433.30. While you're at Harlan Williams.com, check out our web store. We've got lots of great merchandise for you to enjoy. Music, t-shirts, artwork, books, CDs, comedy specials. Oh, my God, there's so much in the store. Go and peruse it. Digital downloads. Also, don't forget to get the Harland Highway app on your cell phone.

Just go to your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and boom, there it is, for free. And if you really like what I do, you can join our premium membership for $20 a year. Yay, yeah. So that's it. Let me give you some stand-up comedy news. I will be at the San Jose Improv coming up real shortly in another week from now. That's October 20th to the 23rd, the San Jose Improv. Incredible, amazing club.

Get your tickets online at Harlandwilliams.com. Click on my stand-up comedy tour link, and you are good to go, baby. You're good to go. Oh, my God. And that's it for now. Also, a reminder, in the next two weeks, October 28th, my new animated series, Skylanders, hits Netflix. Hopefully you can check it out.

I've seen some footage of the finish show. It just looks incredible. It's phenomenal. So I hope you enjoy that. I'll remind you again over the next few days here about that. And that's it. That's all we got. Thanks for being here.

You guys rock. And until next time, chicken chalmayne, baby. My brother Charlie's right here. Thank you.