The Harland Highway - 811 - Harland talks about DESERT TRIP concert. Harland on radio. Short story part 7

Episode Date: October 20, 2016

Harland talks about the Desert Trip rock concert. Morning radio hijinx. Part 7 of Harland's short story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Heyo. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here. You are listening to the Harland Highway podcast. A great show today. We are going to be taking some of your phone calls, talking about some of the things you've brought up in your phone calls to the Harlan Highway. We are going to be playing the second last installment of my short story, the Garden Hose Time Machine, the second last installment before we wrap it up with the big finale on the next podcast. So I hope you enjoy that. Also, some more of me on the morning radio circuit when I go and do my stand-up comedy shows. You will be able to hear, you'll be able to hear me kind of yucking it up with the on-air voice people at these radio stations I go to. lot of fun in the moment, spontaneous humor.

And then we're also going to be, I'm going to be talking to you about my rock concert in the desert. I went to the old cella rock concert with the Rolling Stones, the Who, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Roger Waters, Paul McCartney. Oh my God, it was unbelievable. And I'm going to talk about it here today. Let you know what I saw. Let you know what I heard.

And it should be interesting. So let's go. This is the Harland. Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a choke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello? Sitting in the left lane.

A car to my left, turning left. A car to my right. playing the podcast in my car beautiful fall day in western Pennsylvania and you proceed to scream a la a chocolate bar chicken jail man no no no no it wasn't

a la a chocolate bar what it is I said on my other podcast is in order to keep kids and their families off my property at Halloween I created my own chocolate bar and when they ring the doorbell I hold it up, and it's called Allah-A-A-A-A-Aq-Bar. That's the name of the chocolate bar.

It's not Allah-A-A-A-C-Bar. It's Allah-A-A-A-Aq-Bar, and it is a chocolate bar. So when the brady kids open my door, I just hold it up and go, Al-A-L-A-Lac-Barr! And, of course, the parents think I'm a terror cell. They grab their kids. They run away, and I don't have to deal with Halloween. So I'm glad you liked it.

Come by my house and try one out on December 31st. Ah, la la la la la la ca bar with nuts. Hey, Harlan, it's Blake from Dallas. I'm a big fan of your movie Fushi Wudgey Fletch face, and I was watching it the other day for, it's probably got to be my 15th time to watch it over the past several years that I've owned it. And I was thinking, man, I wish that this had a, that this had

to direct your commentaries and since you directed the movie and made the movie yourself, I was wondering I'm just tossing the idea out if maybe one day you might ever sit down

and do a commentary podcast for it that would be great just to sit there and listen to one of your podcasts as you described the scenes and kind of how you came up with them because that movie

it's so intricate I love it and some of the scenes are just so whacked out I wonder what was going through your mind when you create that scene and how you shot it I really love it

and I love the show take care of Harlan All right Blake from Dallas thank you so much Blake what a wonderful phone call I really appreciate it for those of you that don't know

what Blake's talking about but I did my own movie. It took me six years to shoot this movie. It's an epic movie, maybe one of the, I call it the dumbest movie ever made. But it's a lot of fun, and it took me six years because I did everything myself. I wrote it, I star in it, I directed it, I cast it,

I did the hair and makeup, the wardrobe, the editing, the music. I mean, you name it. I did this whole thing on my own. And the reason I did it is because, when it was all set and done and the dust settled on my life, I wanted there to be one film that I did that was just mine and not touched by a bunch of network people or executives or studios who always put their hands all over things.

So this movie was a work of purity. It was a work of taking something from out of the mind, putting it on paper, putting it on film, and putting it out there. without anybody messing with it and altering it and changing it. It is my pure vision, and it's a very silly movie. And if you want it, you can order it from my web store at Harlowelliams.com. It's called Fudgy-Wudgey Fudge Face. It's about an alien and a hillbilly that meet in the middle of the desert and become friends

and go on a miraculous journey. And I really love doing it. If you want, you can also download it on Amazon. You can rent it or you can buy it. If you go on Amazon and type in Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face, or if you want a hard copy that I personally autograph, we will mail it to you. Just order it in the store at harloweems.com.

It's a DVD. But to answer your question, my friend, that's a great idea. Unfortunately, at the moment, I don't have time to do a whole running commentary on the movie. that would take quite an effort on my behalf, and it's a great idea. Maybe one day I will,

but here's what I'll do, what I'll do, because, man, I really appreciate the fact that you love the movie and you've watched it 15 times, and you're right, man, believe me, you know, when you're shooting something, your own guerrilla style,

you really get inventive and you have very interesting techniques on how to film things, and so here's what I'll be. do because I just appreciate your kind words and your dedication to the movie and obviously it was a huge, it was a huge, you know, passion project for me. And here's what I'll do. Why don't you give me two or three scenes, maximum of three, minimum of one, obviously. But if you give me two or three scenes that you really like or you're really curious about or you're wondering as you said

how I did it, how I filmed the scenes. I will tell you on the podcast. I will describe those scenes. I will tell you how I went about it, that the motivation behind them, how I came up with the scenes. And you know, you're right. I never thought about it. But there's an interesting, There's an interesting story behind every scene in that movie. Trust me. I think you'll find it interesting to hear how everything went down with every damn frame of that movie. There's some very funny and interesting stories to be told. And I think you've opened a Pandora's box of interesting storytelling. So thank you so much for the call.

Please call back. and, you know, let me know about two or three of the scenes you want to hear about. And I will go into detail just for you. And thank you for loving the movie. And for those of you that want to get it, as I said, Harlowellwilums.com, order it. Fudgy-Wudgey-Fudge Face. The DVD comes autographed or go to Amazon.com.

Type in Fudgy-Wodgy-Fudgeface movie. And you can buy it or download it. Download it digitally and rent it. I think it's only like four bucks, and I think the hard copy is only like $12 in my store. So hope you get a chance to see it. Thanks for bringing it up. And let's get on with the show.

You know, I think what we should do is I think I'll play a little more of my time spent on radio in Pittsburgh. I've been getting some good feedback on that. And as you guys have been hearing, I have a lot of fun. and it's kind of following the morning dredge for stand-up comedians like myself and probably most entertainers when we blow into a new town in order to promote our shows, we have to get up early in the morning and go to radio stations and TV stations and we have to be funny at 6, 7 in the morning,

and we have to be on, and we have to talk, and we have to let people know where we are and entice them with our wit to get them out to the comedy club. And it works. I have people come up to me after the shows and go, oh, my God, Harlem, we heard you on the radio. You were so funny, we had to get tickets and come to the show.

So the radio thing really works. And these guys in Pittsburgh are just fantastic. They've been such good friends. You know, there's some cities I go to, and it's, you know, the radio guys kind of rotate in and out. but these Wildcats in Pittsburgh, they've been running one of the top shows in Pittsburgh. I think they've been together 20 years or more.

And every time I'm there, they have me on. And that's why I recorded it because I know we always have so much fun. And most of the material that comes out of my interviews there is pretty much made up on the spot. We just kind of go with it. So I thought I'd play you another segment of it since you guys have been enjoying it. And here it is,

Roger, let's hit it. This is me, yours truly, Harlem Williams, on the air in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, doing the morning radio to promote my weekend comedy gigs. One of our favorite DVD comedy festival headliners, Harlan Williams. Harlan did the funniest thing that has ever happened in the TV comedy festival. He actually watched every comic that went before him, including Bill Crawford, and then went out in his first three minutes, was an amount. of everybody else's set. And it was one of the funniest things to be on the side of the stage

watching the comics panic. I remember that. Hardin was doing their material in his own sort of way. And the crowd didn't know what to think and he wrapped it up. And that was Tommy Johnigan who told that really heavy story

about his dad's passing. Yeah. And he even worked that into it. Yeah. And it was, I mean, you blew the roof off the place in three minutes. But I was standing next to Bill

when you started it and we're like, oh God, he's doing the, I broke out into a sweat. I was like, oh, God, I've stolen this bit from Harley Hall. I did another festival once where I think there was eight or nine comics in front of me. And I took a bit from all their acts and started out and did the first like five minutes of my set. That's amazing. That's fun.

That is such a cool thing to do. And it has to blow people away when you do it because no one's expecting you to go out there and do that. And you wove it perfectly. But what's fun is at the beginning, they don't get it. And then they kind of think the first bit you drop, you go, oh, that sounds a bit familiar. Right. And then by the time you get to the second one, they're like, wait a minute.

And then by the third one, they're like, oh, I see what he's doing. And then it just, so it just like builds. Every chance they get, I love to do that. I forgot that you've done this a lot. You won't remember this, but we worked together a long time ago with the Pittsburgh Improv. And I did this joke to close at the time about the airport and about the two statues. And then there's a T-Rex statue. And you come out and do that joke basically.

You're like, yeah, it just came into the import. You see that thunder lizard stepping up on the escalator there? You re-amalgamated the whole story and it was just, it was brilliant. But it still caught me off guard that night. And I'm thinking, oh, no, what's happening? Did he not see my set? Now he's coming out there. And then you were like, you know, you can.

You have the skittles under your car? I'm like, oh, God, no, no. Yeah, you struck fear into everyone's heart. It did. Oh, my God, that's funny. They caught on, right? When he was starting to get into Johnnigan's stuff, that's when they caught on. And then it was just, once it catches fire, it's an inferno until you finish off.

Yeah, it's really fun because people realize that you're kind of just grabbing. And I try to weave a story. Like, I try to take five or six acts and weave the, into a coherent story using bits and pieces so it's fun so cool when you do that it's like a comedy rubics cube baby so we have uh the legend i don't know how much uh american football you watch these days oh yeah uh Antonio brown is one of the biggest stars in the league oh yeah he's calling us great come back from this commercial break cool cool so we're going to talk to antonio brown it's what i like to call the definitive Antonio brown interview this will be

unlike any interview you've ever heard with Antonio Brown because this could get us a Peabody. Maybe. Wow. Can we call the Peabody? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select anything. any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. We're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up.

On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons. What if it gets you a Sherman? Peabody and Sherman? I'd rather have a Sherman. Just cleaner, shorter. Peabody's so foo-foo.

We're shooting for a Sherman with Antonio Brown next on the DVD morning show. Did he have a concussion? Yeah. At the end of the season, yeah. I feel like if you have a concussion can get away with a lot. Like, you could, like, go in somewhere and shoplift. It's like, sir, you didn't pay for those 12 pair of pants and those five pairs of shoes. Yeah, I got a concussion, man.

You can go to the zoo and, like, punch a draught in the throat. Yeah, I got a concussion, man. I didn't know what I was doing. Do you know what I mean? Can you do that? Is it a way out? Because I want one if it is. Do you want a concussion?

I wouldn't mind one. Do you have a canoe paddle around? Just hit you in the head. That's how you'd like to get whacked with a canoe paddle. Yeah. If you got one. As a friend. I'm asking as a friend to give me a concussion.

So I can go punch a rhino in the ass. I think it's going to happen. I think you owe me that. As a friend. As a friend. I'd like to drop kick a manatee right in the pelvic region. Do they even have a pelvic region? Those fat sons of...

They don't have pelvises. How come you never see a manatee doing a Jenny Craig commercial? It's always Marie Osmond, who looks great. Like, she's thin as a rail. Why not have a manatee on there? I mean, they're fat. I know what the point would be that you could look like Marie Osmond. Okay.

But most of them look like a manate. So there you go. Another little sampling of what it's like to do the early morning. radio promotions. My thanks to those cats in Pittsburgh at the DVE, they are really pros and really good, and it's always an honor to go in and jam with them. I'll play a little more over the next few podcasts

because I think it's kind of fun stuff. But for now, I want to switch gears and talk to you about something that I did just this last weekend, and man, was it? fun. I went to this huge rock concert out in the desert near Palm Springs. It's the same area where they do Coachella every year. And they were calling this rock concert old cella because a lot of the older rock bands were playing at it. And not only were they the older rock bands, but these

are the rock bands that are really the foundations of rock and roll. These are the rock bands that created rock and roll that started rock and roll that are founding members of rock and roll if you can believe it i mean you got to you got to remember that at every point in time there's nothing until there's something and at one point in time rock and roll did not exist and then these young kids came along and started experimenting with sound and with instruments and with noise and with levels and with energy and all the elements that go into rock and roll And they gave birth to a genre of music that is probably the most popular and influential and biggest money-making, you know, genre of music that there is. Rock and roll, man. We all love it.

And, you know, when I say these people were at the forefront, I'm talking Paul McCartney from the Beatles. The Beatles and Elvis kind of kicked the whole rock and roll thing off practically. I mean, there's other people mixed in there, but man, oh man, these are the ones that really brought it to life and made it pop and, you know, filtered into everyone's living room through the radio and through the records. So we started off with Paul McCartney. Then we had Bob Dylan, who was an American folk hero,

who helped shape the early beginnings of folk rock. And then we had the Who, part of the British invasion, the rock group, the Who, with just their really raw, edgy sound, and their erratic and crazy stage antics. And then we had Neil Young, who kind of came out of the folk country music type of world. Neil Young, and then we had Roger Waters. When Roger Waters was at the show, who was one of the founders and members of Pink Floyd, a hugely influential rock group

that was one of the early pioneers of kind of technical rock and roll and experimenting with synthesizers and putting deep heavy messages into music. And then, of course, the Rolling Stones were at this. thing. I mean, does it get any more iconic than the Rolling Stones? Mick Jagger and Keith

Richards and Charlie Watts, Ronnie Wood. I mean, like, you know, to have all these guys under one roof playing the same venue, I mean, it was something else, man. You know, I went to it and wasn't sure what to expect. Obviously, I'm an older guy,

so I grew up on all of this music. and I had seen the stones before, but I hadn't seen any of the other bands before. And so I was really excited. And, man, they were really good. And the venue was great. It was this huge. I guess during normal times, it's a horse polo place. So it's these giant fields with beautiful, really manicured green grass, kind of the same type of grass you'd see on a putting green at a golf court.

So it was just acres and acres of this beautiful grass. It was almost like we were walking around on a carpet and giant acreage. And they had food stands set up everywhere and they had really excellent security. It was well organized. The parking was well organized. I mean, 100,000 people filtered in and out of this concert. And I pulled in and parked as easily as if I was pulling into the grocery store. No delays.

No. I mean, it was pretty miraculous. and it's set in the middle of the desert north of the Salton Sea and east of Palm Springs, California. And this part of the desert is hot. I mean, you're talking it's up in the hundreds plus like a lot of the year. And so it was beautiful about it as it was really hot. And when night came along, it remained hot. It didn't get chilly.

It didn't get cold. You had kind of that romantic desert. arid summer air and uh and it was just the perfect climate for sitting outside and uh we had a full moon it just happened to be the weekend of the full moon which was just beautiful so it was a real aura in the air there was a real the weather was amazing the stars were in the sky and so you'd get there around three or four o'clock you'd mill around you'd have something to eat and uh and then you'd grab a beer or whatever and you'd go in and you know we had seats it was all the security was really well organized getting to your seats and it wasn't like Coachella where there's four or five

stages all over the place it's just it was just two one stage and two acts would play per night so it'd be uh you know first night it was dillon and the stones then it was neil young and and paul mccartney and then it was the who and uh roger waters from pink Lloyd. And so everyone was focused in the same place. Everyone was watching the same show. Beautiful temperature, full moon, sound system incredible, giant screen behind the band like enormous. Like this thing was the size of a football field. So you could, and the definition from the cameras was just crystal clear. So it was almost, you could see every facial tick, every wrinkle, every, I mean, it was, it was beautifully done. And there'd be like an hour intermission between each song. And, you know, I'll run you through a little bit from each act and give you my kind of comments on who it was. So let's start with Bob Dylan. He was the first one.

And I'd heard some bad things that he doesn't talk to the crowd and that he mumbles and he's incoherent and you can't understand them. And, well, you know what? Here, have a listen for yourself. if you think that's true. So there I am. I'm with my cousin Kevin. And the music sounds great. But then he starts singing.

And it sounds like Grover from Sesame Street. It's kind of weird So there you go So there you go to sing in a little So there you go, that's him a little annoyed I was a little like I can't understand him But then the more I listened to him, I started to, you know, because he was singing in English, I started to realize that I could pick out a lot of the words if I really listened.

And I realized he wasn't mutating the language. He just had this very gravelly, like cadence where everything flowed together. And he kind of talked like this, but if you listen real close, you can still understand what he was saying, you know? And so it was really neat because it kind of went with the music, the style of music he was playing, and, you know, it made me listen. It made me listen harder to what he was singing to pick out the words. And once I focused on that, it was actually really enjoyable. Now, that being said, I don't know the whole Dylan backstory. I know he made major contributions to the rise of rock and roll and folk music.

and he was one of the first people that kind of put poetry and socially aware lyrics to songs and things like that. So he, you know, the history of rock tells the story that he was a major influence in music, in rock and roll. So it was really great to see a guy that was such a legend. The one thing I'll say that was bad, though, he did not connect with the crowd at all. He did not walk out and say hello.

He did not say hi. He did not introduce a song. And when he finished, he did not say goodbye. He did not talk to the audience one word, nothing. Not one single word did he say. And he was the only one too out of the whole group that he was in charge of directing the cameras. So the cameras were only allowed to film them from behind and from a really wide shot. There were no close-ups of the front of his.

face or close-ups of him and you know in a way it was kind of like the the audience felt shut out and alienated you could hear people yelling like hey man why won't you talk to us and say something and uh and in a way he created a disconnect for the people watching which i thought was not a good thing you should always respect your audience even if you're an eccentric or a weirdo um and for that I felt that was a bit rude and a bit disrespectful to the people that were paying to see him. And so, you know, you couldn't really see his face. He wouldn't talk to anybody. The music was good.

But, you know, I would have thought that he would have made an effort to, you know, connect with the fans. So I wasn't disappointed. And I wasn't over the moon, but it was okay. so there you go um i'll leave it there because you know i just i just realized like just to talk about bob dylan took you know 10 minutes and if i talk about every act i saw at uh at this concert um it would take like two hours so what i'll do is i'll break it up and i'll talk about some of the other acts and uh and my reaction to them on future podcasts um but we are coming to the end of our time with this one. And so before we slip away, I want to put up the second last installment

of my short story, The Garden Hose Time Machine. I don't know if you guys have been following along, but it started innocently with a guy, a grown man whose marriage is not doing great, who's got some issues with his family, as most of us do. And he wants to. And he wants to, One day, well, he's cutting the grass, brings the garden hose to his mouth for a drink of water, and it kind of sends him into a flashback that seems very real. And so he continues to take sips from this hose over the next days and weeks, and he keeps flashing back, and the flashbacks get more and more intense to the point where he's now suffered a heart attack and has been hospitalized, and we will see where it goes from here.

So this is the second last installment, and then next podcast we'll have the very last installment. We'll wrap it all up. I hope you enjoy another part of my short story, The Garden Hose Time Machine. up the next morning at 6.45 a.m. The sun had just climbed over the distant horizon and he could see its fiery orange brilliance out of his hospital room window. It felt warm and comforting. He just stared as it slowly rose higher in the sky. Everything was quiet. The commotion usually heard on the hospital floor was almost zero. The world was just waking up. Brett shook his head trying to clear

some of the groginess induced by whatever it was they had injected into his veins the night before. His memories of yelling at Tommy came back, as did pieces of the conversation about his dad. Brett didn't want to go there. He knew he shouldn't be stressed. He shifted his focus to Sherry. There she was again, curled up in the chair next to his bed, asleep, close, connected. Brett studied her gentle features as the morning sun bathed her skin and made it glow ever so softly. He took in every detail of her face, the lines, the textures, the beauty. What a fool I've been, he thought to himself, realizing in his vulnerable state, what a rock she had been, what a wonderful wife and mother she had been, and that he had been everything short of what she was.

that the effort he had put into the family was certainly not up to par with hers. Brett felt ashamed in that moment. A shame that it took a crisis like this to make him see what a disappointment he was. It was too painful to wallow in his shortcomings. He needed to get up, off the bed like the useless failure that he felt he was. Not wanting to wake Sherry, Brett slowly rolled out of bed and walked over to the window to look out. outside. Before him was the wide open sky, clear and blue, a light canopy of clouds floating aimlessly to the east. Brett rubbed his arm, scratching the two little puncture marks that had scabbed up

where the IV had been inserted. He marveled at the miracle of modern medicine and how it could save lives. It gave him a fresh perspective as he stared out at the wide open, clear sky. Sherry moaned in her sleep and shifted slightly. Brett turned and looked at her again, taking her in, feeling the love for her and his heart swell, knowing she had been by his side every devoted second. He felt so insufficient in that moment. He needed to give back to her some of what she so unselfishly always offered. He needed to remind her, and himself, just how deep his love for her was.

He scanned the room as if he would find something there would be the answer. There was nothing. Frustrated, he turned his back on the white, empty room and resumed taking in the view outside. His gaze shifted from the sky down to the lawn and garden below. The grass was green and lush, the trees full and leafy, a buzz with small birds and a few frantic squirrels. But then, off to the side. near the far wall. Brett saw something that surely must have been a sign from above. A small answer to what he needed. protruding from the ground was a beautiful rose bush, peppered with

flowery white roses. The kind of white roses he had promised he would give Sherry every year to remind her of his love for her. The kind of white roses he had neglected to bring for a very long time. Half rolled with guilt and half overjoyed, Brett could not contain himself. With the utmost stealth, he crept past Sherry as she slept and snuck out of his hospital room. Outside, Brett could feel the moist grass crawling up in between his toes. Somehow he found it refreshing. That and the crisp summer morning air made Brett feel alive, excited. From his vantage, point on the hospital lawn, he counted the floors and stared up to his window. He wondered how many other tormented souls lay inside this giant building full of human suffering. And it was in that

moment that Brett had a realization that this was the same hospital as father had been in back in the early 80s, St. James Hospital. So strange, Brett thought. This is where my father died all those years ago. Quickly, Brett shook those unhappy thoughts away. He wanted to keep his energy positive and focused on Sherry. He walked quickly over to the rose bush and searched for the fullest and most beautiful blossom he could find. As he located it, right near the top of the rose bush, he couldn't seem to shake off thinking about his father

and what his final moments must have been like in this hospital. Brett's thick fingers bent and twisted the stem of the rose. cautious not to be pricked by the thorns. Eventually the stem gave way and snapped. Brett had his beautiful white rose for Sherry. The lingering thoughts of his father pushed away due to his small success of acquiring the rose. Brett smiled and felt good inside,

picturing his wife opening her eyes and finding this beautiful flower and all it represented, resting in her lap. He pictured Sherry smiling, then laughing, then her laughter turning to tears. He pictured them embracing, maybe crying together, staring into each other's eyes and saying, I love you to each other for the first time in what seemed forever. He pictured all that until suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something hanging on the wall beside a small shrub, wound tightly and neatly on a holder. It was a hose,

a big green long garden hose Brett stared at the hose intensely almost the way one does when coming face to face with an angry stray dog you just stop in your tracks thinking planning your next move wondering what it should be and in that moment Brett's mind

rewound all those other moments all the miraculous trips back in time some beautiful some pleasant and some horrific. They were all moments from his past that he had lived before. And for the first time, Brett realized that they were chronological.

They started with him as a boy, playing catch with his dad, and the latest one being the horrible episode of seeing his mother being beaten. So what would be next, Brett wondered. Would the journey be bad or good? And why here? Why now?

At the hospital where his father had done? died. And with that observation, Brett's face suddenly narrowed. He felt a slight tightness in his chest. What if Tommy had been right? What if the journey back could take him to a place he had never been? The place standing right in front of him. The hospital where he had refused to come and see his dying father. A trickle of sweat meandered down the side of Brett's temple. He squeezed the white rose in his hand. He knew he had seen enough that he had been through too much emotionally, physically. He knew that another stressful event could severely impact his heart. He knew he had to walk away. With stern determination, Brett turned his back on the garden hose and began walking back

across the soft, emerald grass lawn. But it was only after about ten steps that he came to a halt. he cautiously looked around as if he was about to do something he shouldn't upon seeing that no one else was in the vicinity Brett took a deep breath turned around and purposefully marched back towards the garden hose hanging on the wall as Brett picked the hose up in his hand he stuffed the rows in a strap on his hospital gown no matter what happened he had to hold on to Sherry's rose with his other hand now free he reached for the faucet, his hand trembling slightly as he hesitantly turned it on. As the pressurized water rumbled through the hose, Brett took one last look around at his surroundings, the trees, the grass, the sky, even the hospital. He knew that this time there might be no

coming back, that this time his heart might not be able to take whatever was waiting for him on the other side. His curiosity was too great. Perhaps even his need was too strong. He'd come this far. He knew he had to keep going. And with angst in his heart, he slowly brought the trickling hose up to his mouth and began to drink.

Young man? A woman's voice startled Brett. He instantly whirled around and saw a nurse standing on the laneway at the other side of the lawn. Brett was relieved to see that he hadn't been transported anywhere this time. It was the same lawn he had. crossed in his bare feet just mere moments ago.

There's a drinking fountain inside, young man. I wouldn't drink out of that dirty old hose. Come on, I'll show you. The friendly nurse motioned for Brett to come to her, and he felt more than happy to oblige. He dropped the hose and began a slow run across the lawn. But the closer he got to the nurse, the more he sensed that something was wrong.

First of all, he couldn't feel the softness of the grass on the soles of his bare feet. And second, as he got closer to the nurse, he noticed her clothing. It looked rather odd, kind of dated, and very old school. The little white nurse hat perched on top of her head seemed like something right out of the pages of an old life magazine. And then Brett looked beyond the nurse, towards the parking lot where all the cars were. Something was different. All the cars were older, vintage 1970s and 80s.

Brett looked down at his feet. He now knew why he couldn't feel the grass in his toes. He was wearing sneakers, the blue ones with the white stripes that he owned when he was 18. Tommy had been right. Brett was back in the past again. Except this time it was in a scene that he had never lived through before. Come this way! The nurse said as Brett finally caught up to her.

She walked him back to the doors of the hospital and pulled one open. Brett had a full view of her nurse's uniformed and realized this is how ridiculous they looked back then. She pointed down the hall, There's the fountain on the left. It's probably a lot colder, too. Brett nodded and thanked her as he stepped inside. Who are you here to see? she asked helpfully. Brett was blindsided by the question because he wasn't really sure.

He had never been here before. But somewhere in his subconscious, he had a feeling who it might be. uh my my dad uh norm coleman did you know what floor he's on brett couldn't believe he had just said that for two reasons one what were the odds his father was even here and two brett had no desire to see him after what he had done to his mother oh yes mr coleman is on the twelfth floor room 79 i believe i was working that floor yesterday the nurse smiled, hoping that she had been of help. Uh, thank you, ma'am, Brett stuttered, unsure if he even wanted to know. You're welcome, she replied cheerily, before turning and walking away down the long, shiny

hallway. Brett stood there alone, unsure of his next move. He was here. His father was here. Brett had no idea how to process it. Every fiber in his body was telling him to turn and run away. but a lingering pain deep in his heart was telling him he had to go to the 12th floor. After standing in the empty hall for what seemed like forever,

Brett finally began the long walk toward the elevator at the far end of the hall. After 30 years, he was finally going to get his chance to say goodbye. The elevator ride up was surreal. The other passengers dressed in clothing that went with the top. time period. Brett felt like he was in a movie or something. Even he was in clothes that he had long since discarded. Have a nice day, folks, importantly man said as he left the elevator on the eighth floor. Brett watched the doors close and he wondered to himself if the man he had just seen was still alive back in the real world. And then, seconds later, the elevated doors eased to a halt

on the 12th floor. The brass door slid open and Brett emerged into a long ivory hallway, the floor shimmering with floor wax, sounds of the dead and dying, their coughs and moans echoing off the featureless walls. A small placard on the wall indicated the direction to room 79 where his father was. Brett felt a pit for him in the bottom of his stomach. He wondered if this was the right time, the right place. What if he walked in the room and it wasn't his father? What if this was just a random memory or a vision that was all for naught? Slowly, Brett turned and walked toward room number 79. His feet felt heavy, like lead. Part of Brett was still fighting the idea of seeing his father, if in fact he was really there. Brett had signed off a long

time ago, since that night of the beating, that he never wanted to see his father's face again, that he never wanted to talk to him or hear his voice. Brett had known his whole life that that horrific night had changed him and his family forever. They were never close again. His sisters seemed angry and unforgiving of all of them. His mother never seemed the same. She always seemed to have a far-off look in her eyes, almost as if she were staring off into a different life, a better life. And Brett, he knew that his idea of love, of family, had been rocked. He no longer trusted in the idea of marriage, of togetherness. Guiltily, he knew it was Sherry's relentlessness and unselfish love of him that made it possible to find in her a sanctuary, a safe place that he could

trust, be loved. The only problem was Brett knew that since the night of the beating, he was never fully able to give her the same love back. It saddened him. It hurt him, because he knew it hurt her. He knew that she loved him regardless. Brett was pretty sure she knew he wasn't giving her all she deserved. He knew that he had never lived up to the promise of the White Rose. As all the these thoughts and emotions washed over Brett they just as suddenly stopped his heart skipped a beat as he now stood in front of a thick wooden door with the number 79 on it Brett stood outside for what seemed forever he couldn't even touch the door the best he could do was put his ear close and listen for movement a sound perhaps some kind of clue that would let him know if his father was on the other side but no sound ever came. Brett began embracing the idea of leaving, turning around and leaving well enough alone,

leaving the history in the past where it belonged. No, Brett didn't need to do this. He was resigned to the way he had handled it. He had come to accept the punishment he had fortuneed his father. He deserved it for what he had done. Brett turned and walked away, perhaps two or three steps. when suddenly he heard something that stopped him dead in his tracks. "'Bretty!' came a hoarse and muffled voice from behind the door.

Brett stood frozen, the sound of his father's voice like a punch to the gut, like an arrow through his heart. Brett's mouth suddenly went dry, his heart racing. "'Bretty!' The ghostly voice came again, this time slightly louder and more agonized. Brett couldn't take it. It was too close. It was too desperate. He could feel his father's need, as he called to Brett by his childhood name. Ready! The third time was enough to make Brett crack. He knew he wanted to punish his father, but this, this would be too cruel. To be so close and not

make an entrance would perhaps be something not even Brett himself could live with. Slowly, Brett turned back to the door. Nervously, he pushed down on the handle and opened the door a crack. Instantly a slight swoosh of air wafted into his face, assaulting his nasal passages, the scent of medicine, death, and his father, all concocting in his sinuses, a precursor to what he was about to see. Whoa. There it is.

There it is the second last installment of my short story, The Time Machine Garden Hose. I don't know if you're sucked in or you're drawn in or you're like, whatever, dude. But I hope you enjoyed it. I've been getting some really great feedback from everybody. I'll read some more of your emails and play some more of your phone messages before we play the last segment in the next. podcast. I truly appreciate all the feedback I've been getting from everybody. It's exciting to hear and it's exciting to bring you this type of content, something I haven't done before. So there you go. Before I get out of here, let me tell you about some comedy action coming at you. Oh yeah,

some comedy action coming at you boys and girls. Let's see. What do we got? We got San Jose, the improv. Yeah, baby. It starts tonight, October 20th through the 23rd. And a great club up in San Jose, California. Come on out to the improv and look forward to seeing you. And then going into November, you can catch me in Denver, November 11 and 12.

Then I'm in San Diego. November 17th to the 20th, and then Irvine, California, Thanksgiving weekend, November 25 to 27. Man, oh, man, some great clubs, going to be some great shows. So, come on out, play, yeah. Also, if you want to write to me about anything at all, including the short story, you can go to Harlow Williams.com, and you can click on the, You can click on the old contact link and write to me. Or you can call me at 323-739-43330.

That's 3-2-3-739-43-30 and leave me a voicemail. It takes about six or seven rings before it picks up. I'm having some tech issues. But hang in there and you will be able to leave a message. and check out our store at harland williams.com. We will mail you, ship you anything that you purchase in the store. Lots of great fun stuff and digital downloads and all that stuff. Be sure and get our phone app, the Harland Highway, phone app.

Just type the Harland Highway into your cell phone and boom. You can download it for free and listen to the podcast as soon as they are posted wherever you may be on your cell phone. It's good stuff. And if you have 20 bucks kicking around, join our premium membership, $20 a year. You get to hear the Gardner's Time Machine story before anyone else does. And also, you are privy to my other podcast, let's have a fight, and all kinds of bonus material that everyone else does not get, which I hate to do, but come on.

I got to cheat my premium members, right, player? So there you go. That's it. Thanks for being here, everybody. And until next time, chicken chalmy, baby.