The Harland Highway - 813 - Harland VOTES. Crazy SEX story. Harland's NEW TV show.

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

Harland shares his first vote with listeners. A crazy, hairy SEX story. Harland talks about his new star studded TV show. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the Highland Highway. How are you today, my funny little furry friends? Speaking of funny little furry friends, I'm going to be telling you about my new animated series on Netflix that premieres tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to tell you where you can find it, how you can find it, what it's all about. Oh, my God, wait, do you hear the cast members in this new show? It's going to be great. So we're going to do that.

Then also, I'm going to be doing my voting. Yes, I'm going to be live on the air. I'm going to open my voting package. I did the early voting thing via the mail, and I've never voted before. I'm going to open it and share with you the experience. And it's going to be fun. Elections, elections. I don't know if you're voting, but I sure am.

I'm going to be doing it with you. and then also a crazy news story, man. This involves, okay, sex. We all love sex. We all love the outdoors. We all love grunting and groaning. We all love hair. But what if it all happens in the wrong place

and goes sideways and backwards and upside down? Yet wait till you hear today's crazy news story. It's going to be fun. It's going to be sexy. It always is, because this is the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. You are the protectors of our universe. The future relies on nothing short of your absolute.

Absolute success! Hmm? You think anyone notice me? This fall. It's high time you learn to do things the Skylander way. Oh yeah. Bring on the bad guys. The Skylanders.

Spiral. Let's have some fun. Stealth. Hey! What are you doing? Stealthowl. I'm doing this, this, and then some of this. All, very similar. And... Oh, somebody sure is grumpy.

Did you wake up on the wrong side of the volcano? I am not grumpy. That's grumpy. Really, dude? We'll face their greatest enemies. Blumdog, how much bling is too much bling? One can never have too much bling, sir. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We should all be laughing. I am very excited. Let's see, it starts tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. That was a clip from my new animated series. The Skylanders Academy. Oh, yes. It premieres tomorrow on Netflix, October 28th. And it's a great cartoon.

It's based on, I guess, what they're telling me is one of the most popular video games on planet Earth, if not the top one. This thing has a huge monster following. It's a mixture of Lord of the Rings meets Avatar meets the Avengers, meets... It's just a crazy collection of weird, eccentric, nutty characters that all live at this academy called Skylanders where they try to defend the universe.

And, man, is it fun? I mean, this thing looks beautiful. The animation is great. It's a full CGI animation experience. It just, it really looks great. The textures, the colors, the movement. And I think you're really going to like it. But listen to the cast outside of yours, truly, of course.

I play a character named Hugo, who's kind of like the nerdy accountant of the academy. And he kind of talks like this. Oh, my goodness. And believe it or not, like, Ladies and gentlemen, yes, guess who I used as a reference for doing Hugo's voice? Can you guess who it is? It's a character I created on this podcast. You guessed it, Aunt Ruthie.

Oh, my goodness, Aunt Ruthie. So I'm kind of doing a milder version of Aunt Ruthie as Hugo in the Skylanders Academy. So thank you, Aunt Ruthie. Oh, you're welcome, Angel. You're such a little dwarf. face um listen to the rest of the cast though what a what a great cast justin long remember uh just long from he did he was the guy in all the apple commercials the young guy with the dark hair he was in the jeepers creepers movies he's been in a lot of stuff justin long ashley tisdale for all you

youngans that grew up on the disney channels ashley tisdale is a singer and uh she was she was you know one of these young Disney protégés. Jonathan Banks. Are you kidding? Did you ever watch Breaking Bad? Remember about halfway through the series? This really badass, bald hitman guy, this older guy with the steely blue eyes and the pockmarked face and he's bald and he's,

I think he played Frank on Breaking Bad, like a really badass guy. So he's in it. Norm McDonald. My old buddy, old stand-up comedy buddy from back in Canada. We both moved to Hollywood, and it's amazing. I'm so excited because me and Norm have known each other 30 freaking years.

And finally, after 30 years, we're working on a project together. It hasn't happened up until that. We've done a lot of stand-up comedy together and stuff on our own, just goofing around, but no professional project has ever been launched with me and Norm together. So that kind of has a beautiful little moment in my heart to be to be working with Norm after all these years. That makes me happy. It feels like the universe is working. Who else do we have?

Bobcat Goldwaith. Oh, my God. Remember from the Police Academy movies? Bob Bobcat was the bad. I'm going to kick your head in. Remember Bobcat? Oh, my God. God, he's hilarious.

It's like an honor to be working with him. When I first started in stand-up comedy, Bobcat was blowing up on the stand-up scene and the star of the Police Academy movies. He was the bad guy. Are you going to pay for that a lot? Catherine O'Hara is in this thing. She's doing a voice.

Are you kidding? Catherine O'Hara from Second City television? I grew up watching this woman. She is one of the funniest women comedians out there. And then there's me, and then there's, can you believe, here we go, an Oscar-winning actress Susan Sarandon is doing voices on this thing. Billy West, do you remember Billy who did the voice of Stimpy on Ren and Stimpy? Oh, Wren.

Happy, happy, joy, joy. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Remember? Oh, my God. So this is really exciting. You know, it's probably geared more towards younger kids and college kids, but I know that it's been written and created to kind of include everyone. So if you get a chance, you can binge watch this thing. They're going to dump all of season one right away on the 28th. On the 28th of October, that's tomorrow.

um you can just watch it all so i had to give it a plug right out of the show and just to get get you juiced up let me play the second half of the trailer and if you want to watch the trailer go on uh youtube and just type in uh skylanders academy trailer on netflix 2016 and you can just see how brilliant this uh this animation looks i think it's going to be a lot of fun. Please check it out. Let me know what you think. And let's play the last part of the Skylanders trailer before we move on. Roger, hit it.

Skylanders unite. Yeah. An all new Netflix original series. Well, well, if it isn't the original Angry Bird. Yeah, I don't know what any of that means. It means we need to act far. Couldn't you have just said that without all the hand stuff? Skylanders Academy.

Cool. A team member with a banana head? I can dig it. Is your head edible? Let's find out. Sima down, Pop. So there you go. Check out Skylanders.

It premieres tomorrow on Netflix, October 28th. And let me know what you think, man. I want to hear if you guys dig it or not. You can write me at harlomwilums.com or you can call. Call me, 323739, 43330, and let me know if you think it's any good, if you think it's cool, man. Speaking of voice work, I'm excited just earlier today. I was over doing some voice work for an episode of Scooby-Doo, which, you know, is just such a thrill. Because as a kid, I watched Scooby-Doo.

It was my favorite cartoon. and I'm just, I like ghosts and monsters, and I always loved Scooby-Doo. And so this was my second episode of Scooby-Doo. I did another one years ago when Casey Kaysom was alive. Remember Casey? This is America's top 40. Casey was the original voice of Shaggy. And, oh, my God, it was so good to watch Casey Kasem.

I mean, I was in the booth. I was in the room with them watching him going, Like, hey, Scoob, like, let's go get some cheeseburgers. And then the thing that gave me the biggest thrill is I got to see Casey Kasem say Zoinks. We were in the booth together and his line and he's standing at the microphone. He's like, Zoinks! Like, let's get out of here, Scoob, Zoinks. So I got to, that was kind of a highlight of my whole career to watch Casey Kasem say,

Zoinks. so there you go voice work is fun i'll tell you a lot more about some more voice work i'm doing for my own series coming up very soon i'll fill you in more on walt disney's puppy dog pals which is oh my god we're working away on it and i will give you an update on it uh in the days of weeks to come but i'm doing a lot of voice work on that and just having a blast so life is good But life isn't always good, as you will see in this next story, this crazy, crazy, crazy news story. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories.

That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay, here it is. This is tragic. This is tragic on so many levels, ladies and gnargo-Lergens. Here's the headline. Ouch.

Here it is. Man interrupts bear sex. Pays the price. Good Lord. I think we can kind of know what the price of interrupting bear sex is right out of the gate. Here's the story. Dan Richmond must have missed the do-not-disturb sign. Officials believe the 54-year-old hiker interrupted a pair of bears,

that were trying to mate when he was attacked in the Sierra Madre foothills of California. Wow. You don't want to walk in on bear sacks, right, gang? According to the news, Richmond was going along a trail when he saw a bear on its hind legs 50 to 100 feet away.

It was his first time seeing a bear in person. He says, I was pretty freaked out. Yeah, okay. Why wouldn't you be? It's not every day you walk around the corner and there's some bear action going on. Richmond says he turned around to leave and saw a second bear much closer.

His attempts to scare it off by yelling failed and it attacked when he tried to run by it. Well, you don't run by animals. Animals of prey have a trigger mechanism wired into their DNA, wherein if they see something fleeing, their brain is like a starter pistol going off. It's like, oh, there goes the jogger running down the trail.

There goes the bear. The bear is spotted the jogger. The jogger's running around. He takes a quick left around the raspberry bush. The bear is coming after me. Close on his heels. There they go. They're running through the ferns.

It looks like they're coming up to the blueberry bush. They take a hard right. The bear is on his trail. The joggers, oh, the joggers going through the river. The joggers over the other side of the river. The bear is splashing past them. Oh, they get to the old log, they get to the maple tree, and the bear's got him. He's eating his face.

He's eating his face in his ribcage. The bear wins. You don't run past a prey, an animal of prey, a predator. You lay down, you scream, you make yourself look bigger. You do what you got to do. You pull out a rocket launcher. Good Lord. yikesy

let's see let's continue here this is this is crazy Richmond played dead letting the bear put its jaws around his neck until it gave up what's this guy's neck made out of lead why would it give up

I don't get it Richmond ran off not realizing how injured he was until he reached safety he had a head injury and multiple cuts to his legs feet and torso. He says he's fortunate to have survived and a local police chief

described it as, quote, a pretty good bear attack. Oh, man, bro. That, man, that, bro, what a bear attack. I don't think the police chief meant it like that, right? Like, he's sitting around at the police station. Oh, bro, you should have seen this fucking bear attack, bro. I mean, on a scale of one to ten,

I mean, this attack was like a 9.5, bro. I mean, this bear really knew what it was doing. I mean, it fucking rode this guy's face all the way into the ground and did a double twirl, backwards camel all over his rib cage, bro. Fucking awesome. No, I don't think it went down quite like that. A spokesman tells the times a state game warden believes the bears may have been a mating pair that was interrupted.

The hiker probably just surprised the bears, and they reacted the way an animal with teeth and claws does attack. Well, yeah, man. I mean, this bear is probably like, oh, man, come on, man. You know how long I've been trying to get with this chick? You know how long I've been working on? Four years I've been working on this, and then today's the day I'm finally getting laid.

I'm getting me some bear ass. And when I say bear ass, I mean bear ass. And I'm in the middle of the deed and, you know, some, some human comes along and neon green jogging shorts and, oh, hell no, hell no. That ain't going to happen around here. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item. plus free shipping. And more than that,

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and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I love the way they use the term mating. Why is it with animals, it's always their mating? No, no, that's not, you know, that's not what it is. They're fucking, okay, pardon my French. They're fucking. Everything fucks. We all fuck. Humans fuck. Animals fuck. giraffes fuck moose fuck elk fuck hippos fuck rhinocuses fuck beavers fuck squirrels fuck dogs fuck cats fuck

freaking leprecones fuck everything fox what's what's with the term mating we don't use that you're not you're not at the motel 6 one night with your partner and you're laying in bed and all of a sudden you you hear something through the drywall

and you say to your love you're saying listen listen oh do you hear that through the wall Did you hear the headboard slamming against the wall? Oh my God, I think that truck driver and that prostitutor are mating in the next room. Oh, my goodness. That's some powerful mating going on in there. Right? You don't like, you don't call your little lady up and go, darling.

Oh, please. How is the wine, darling? Are you feeling rambunctious? Take your clothes off. and let's mate. By God. I just, I have to be with you. Can we, can we just mate? Right?

Hey, I just got a whole backpack of condoms. You want to go mate somewhere? You want to hit the Motel 6 and mate for a couple hours? Yeah, that doesn't fly. That doesn't work. So wrapping up the story here, officials plan to euthanize the bear if it's caught. And Richmond says he plans to bring a buddy the next time he hits the trail.

Well, that doesn't seem fair. I mean, here's this bear. All he's trying to do is get his groove on. Fuck. Pardon my French. And this loser walks into the middle of it. And so not only does this bear get to finish his act of sexual pleasure, he gets a bullet in the head because of this guy.

And Richmond. plans to bring a buddy next time hey dude you got to come with me man like i know where there's some bear sucks happening and you got to watch this bro i mean these bears really know how to do you should hear them dead the groaning and the grunting oh dude it is like it is off the hook i mean just the fat and the fur flying around and jiggling and oh man there's like flies and There's like leaves and blueberries everywhere and, oh, just the noises, bro. And wear some baggy pants so, you know, you can use down and touch yourself while we're watching. Because we're a couple of bear purrs, bro.

I mean, that's just wrong, man. I feel like the bear should at least have a mercy fuck before they put them down. Listen, man, you know, you can't attack people, and we understand you're in the middle of it. Did you have, you know, did you have an orgasm? No. You didn't achieve. Okay, well, look, we're going to give you, we're going to give you 20 minutes to finish off. And then, sorry, we got to put a bullet through your head.

Would you like a room at the motel six? Sure, no problem. Okay, happy mating, bro. So there you go, man. There's your crazy news story. Do not interrupt us. Barris intercorsius. Okay. Yikes. Crazy news story of the day. Okay, Raj, hit the important music for me because it's something important is happening right now.

Yes, yes, yes, yes it is. Yes, yes, yes it is. Guess what I'm doing. I'm for the very first time in my life and I'm, this is, this is 100% true. I am voting. I'm opening my voting thing. I got it in the mail to vote early, and I've never voted. As you know, I'm from Canada. I never voted in Canada. I've never voted in the United States.

I've never, ever voted in an election. So here I am. I'm pulling out the thing. What's this? First thing I see is, peel and wear proudly. It's an I-voted. sticker. Congratulations on exercising your right to vote. Okay. I am peeling and peeling the sticker off. It's like you ever buy bananas? You ever buy chiquita bananas? And there's little,

there's that little chiquita banana sticker on the bananas. That's what this looks like. Except it says, it says, I just stuck it to my sweater. I'm pulling my sweater. It says, it's like kind of a design of American flag. And it says, I vote. voted. And let's see, it looks like there's some Chinese writing. It says, yo vote, which I don't know if that's Spanish. There's Bamoto, Ako. There's some Greek writing. There's Chinese writing. I mean, they should have polling, voting stations at IHop, man. There's like nine languages on this sticker. Okay, so I did that. I put my little sticker on. I guess I should have done it after I had voted, but I'm so excited.

I got my envelope here. It says, official vote-by-mail balloting material from the Los Angeles County Registar Recorder County Clark. And then it says, official ballot. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It's like the Christmas story. Oh, boy. There it was, my very own ballot to vote.

it says voting options vote by mail at the polls okay so so here i go i'm pulling out what's this a ballot secrecy sleeve oh one vote official ballot card to insert ballot in the envelope three close flap oh i got one of those it looks like a official ballot Okay, and it looks like a bingo card, to be honest. It's got like all these columns and numbers, and I almost wish there was someone here yelling, under the T-Trump, under the C, Hillary, under the B-Bernie. Bingo!

So I'm not sure, so I stick this in, I'm sticking it in the secret, the ballot secrecy sleeve. although I don't know why, because I'm doing this live with all you guys. And it clearly, there's no secret, I'm voting with all you guys right here. Now, it seems to be a little complicated. I don't see anybody's name on the ballot vote. It's just a bunch of numbers. So wait a minute.

Maybe I have to look. Here it is president and vice president. Oh, I see. Vote for one party. Gary Johnson and Bill Weld, the Libertarians. So it looks like I, I guess I poke a hole or scribble. I fill in an oval completely. Here it is. Fill in an oval completely using dark blue or black ink only.

Hello, Sharpie. Okay, I see. It says number nine. is the Libertarians. Well, waste of my time, waste of everyone's time. And then we got the Green Party, Jill Stein and Ajumu Baraka. I kind of like the Green Party. You know, if they could kind of organize a bit better,

who doesn't want green? Who doesn't want a party where their first priority is looking up for the planet? Makes sense. I just wish they could get a little more organized. Here we go. Democratic is 13. Of course, unlucky 13. Hillary Clinton and Tim Cain. Ugh. Don't like them. You know I don't like them.

Here's the next one. Gloria Estilla LaRiva and Dennis J. Banks, Peace and Freedom Party. Huh? I haven't heard of that one. Peace and freedom party. That's a new one to me. and then here we go, Republican, American Independent, Donald J. Trump, and Michael R. Pence. Number 17.

Oh, boy. Gee, what do you think? Should I vote for Trump? I haven't done it yet. Are you people sitting there screaming? Don't do it, Harlem. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Should I vote for Hillary? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm in California, guys. So does it really matter? See, this is what I don't love about the election. I don't like it that certain states have always been Republican. Certain states have always been Democrat.

Oh, if you live in this state, you're a Democrat. Why is that? Why do people follow each other mindlessly like sheep? Why don't people just vote their conscience, vote what they want? I don't like this whole, oh, that's New York is Democrat territory. Utah is Republican territory. Why? I hate that.

I hate knowing. I just wish it was always a mystery and open-ended, and there was no way to poll it. There was no way to kind of determine it. I wish it was always just a huge surprise, and you never knew who was going to win, and you didn't have any kind of feeling or, or statistics or anything,

it just all came out the night of and you can sit by your TV riveted and watch what the country decided. It's kind of a bummer when you know because a lot of time, unfortunately, these polls are very accurate. And so it's kind of a letdown. You're like, okay, yeah,

the guy that everyone said who's going to win is going to win. Yeah, they won. Whoopie-do. it'd be more fun if it was a huge mystery and we're all just like mesmerized and we're like wow and you know every state was different every time there's election you didn't know which state was going to go which way

and it's so boring the way it is now yeah they got these states these got these states same as it is every year oh and Florida and Ohio you know they determine the whole election well if they determine the whole election why don't we just let them vote. Screw the rest of the country. Let Florida and Ohio decide. I hate that. It's like we shouldn't know. There should be no state deciding. It should just be on election night. Everyone just sits there and watches the numbers roll in from all over the country. All right. So now I'm looking at the little, they gave me a little guidebook. They gave me a little guidebook and it tells me what I got to do. I got to fill in some little numbers. and do this and that, so I won't tell you who I'm voting for. Maybe you can guess, but don't forget, no matter what you think,

whatever you guess, you must respect my decision as I respect your decision. I don't hate you. I don't think of you any differently. If you vote for Donald or you vote for Hillary, you'll still be the same to me. I respect your decision no matter what it is. You could vote communist, and I would respect your decision and not abuse you over it. Okay? So don't be getting on my back if you think you figured out who I'm voting for,

although I'm not saying it. I'm not saying who I'm voting for, but you can probably guess. Okay. So I'm going to mark my ballot, and I'm going to drop it in the mail, and I hope you guys go out and vote. I hope you can maybe make a difference. that's what I like about this election cycle. I just want to see things done different.

That's the thing. I'm so sick of the predictability across the board. I'm sick of the predictability of the outcome. I'm sick of the predictability of the states that follows suit every time. I'm sick of the predictability of the manipulation. I'm sick of the predictability of the way they pull the triggers and manipulate the mass. and do the media blitzes and oh god it's just all so crooked and stale and out of date and out of touch

even our voting procedures are you know it's like every state is different some people are electronic some are papers some are it just seems so old and antiquated and tired and shouldn't we all just have an app on our phone that lets us vote so i don't know I'm going to go sit in a dark room all by myself with some ginger snap cookies and a glass of milk. And I'm going to get my Sharpie and I'm going to sniff it. I'm going to sniff it real. Here it is. Here's my Sharpie.

Oh, I'm going to sniff it real deep. And that way it kind of blurs my mind. Oh, look, my pen's going towards Hillary. Oh, no, now it's going towards Donald. Now it's going towards the Libertarians. Now I'm shoving the Sharpie right up my nose. knows. I'm going green party. I don't know. Maybe we should all vote on

Sharpie fumes. So there you go. This is, you know, I'm joking around, but this is exciting for me. I've never, ever voted. But I felt compelled to vote this time around. I felt inspired. I felt like now was the time. And it'll be interesting to see what happens.

So may the best person. and win and uh let's uh let's all get out there and vote and i'll leave it right there just hanging in suspense um and uh let's let's let's uh let's wrap up the show right here as i as i as i get ready to seal up my my early vote envelope and mail it away maybe i'll go have sex with a bear to celebrate at any rate hey thanks for listening today I hope you had a fun time

don't forget to check out the Skylanders part the Skylander series on Netflix and can't wait to hear what you think you can write me at harlo-williams.com or you can call me leave a voicemail 323-739-4-330

don't forget to get our app your cell phone, just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and you are ready to go free. It is a free app. If you want to get bonus material, you can always join the premium membership for $20. You can do that at my website, harlomwilums.com. And you can also buy merchandise at Harlanwilms.com, and you can check on my upcoming stand-up comedy tour schedule at Harlewilms. Yes, you can do it all at Harlan Williams.com. Join me on Twitter. Join me on Instagram. I'm always posting funny and unusual wacky little videos and pictures

and all that social media stuff. So there you go. That's it for today. Thank you so much, everybody. And until next time, chicken. Chalmy, baby. Is your head edible? Let's find out. Simmer down, pop. Thank you.