The Harland Highway - 814 - HALLOWEEN EPISODE - Dead Julia Childs, JACKO, Mr. Scary.

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

Scary Halloween show with a visit from Jacko, Dead Julia Childs, and a poem by Mr. Scary. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yes. Yes, Lurtl Nurgans and glargoblogans. This is the Halloween episode of the Holland Highway. Yes, welcome everyone. Today, we will scare you. We will frighten you. We will terrify you. But then again, don't I do that every single time?

just by being such an idiot. Anyways, welcome to the Halloween episode of the Harlan Highway. Today we are going to be talking about the ritual of making a Jacko Lantern. I'm going to try and encourage you to get in on the festive activity of carving your own pomp a can. Also, Michael Jackson is here. Jacko is here to help us celebrate Halloween, which in its own right, is horrifying. Also, my yearly poem by Mr. Scary,

a grisly, scary poem. He shows up every year and he reads his horrifying, grotesque poem. And then towards the end of the show, Dead Julia Childs comes to share her Halloween scary food recipes with us. It's all here on the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Uh-huh.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh yeah. It's here. Tonight's the night. It's Halloween, ladies and gurgle gardeners. And today, today is our Halloween podcast. Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary, scary. So scary you might not be able to listen to it. You might, you might just, you might just be too terrified to listen to this, this podcast. podcast. I don't know what the other podcasts are doing, but this one's going to be freaking terrifying, man. Oh, I'm going to do my best to just scare the bejesies on you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to fight you. I'm going to scare you. I'm going to terrify you. Oh, yes. It's already started. Can you feel it? Can you hear it in my voice? All right, all right, no.

I don't know what's going to happen. But we're going to have fun here today on the Halloween podcast. Goals, ghosts, monsters, creatures, critters. One of the critters that jumped out at me in my head was the werewolf. I've always wondered this. You know, the werewolf comes out. when it's a full moon right like he comes out he crawls out of the bushes or out of his wine cellar or maybe it's just a regular guy eating an olive garden that night and he walks out of the

olive garden and he looks up and there's the full moon rising in the sky and all of a sudden his his Sunday best his clothing the clothes the nice clothes that he wears out to Olive Garden to eat, start ripping, and hair starts coming out, and claws start growing, and fag-or-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-hals that that don't cut it on the full moon, but come half-moon, they're just like, Like they don't grow the claws and the teeth, but, you know, maybe they get a mustache, maybe body hair,

maybe some sideburns, maybe their chest gets a little hairy, maybe their ass crack fills in with hair. You know, like it's a half moon so that they can only be half a werewolf A dude, um, listen bro There's hair coming out of the back of your jeans Run, run! Why should we run? You've got a hairy ass. I'm a half-warwolf. Dude, you need to trim.

You got, like, ass bush. Ah! Like, seriously, dude, you need to trim your ass crack, bro. I don't have a half a werewolf. Don't you see that that moon is half full? I see you have, like, pubis coming out of your ass crack, bro. I don't know just a thought just a scary thought to kick off the podcast right wanted to scare you right out of the gates or what could be scarier than an ass crack filling up with hair and I'm not talking right down by you know the butthole I'm talking about the whole crack like the whole right where it starts at the top just below your belt and then all the way down.

Like, what's the average ass crack about? Can you believe I'm talking about this? This is scary. What, what, I don't know if anyone's ever asked this question. What, what is the length of the average ass crack? What is it? Like, I don't know, 11 inches, 9 inches, 14 inches from the start of your ass crack, right down to your scrotum.

what is that measurement and once you figure it out picture that filled with like pubic hair like ass hair picture like a crack afro oh god

did I just make up a new term crack afro this is the scariest podcast I've ever done. I just invented crack afro. So there you go. I don't know. Is there any half-wearwolves out there? If there are call us, we want to know. And I think it's a good way to kick off our scary Halloween podcast.

I have something I want to tell you. Wait, what? Yes, Michael. Roger, what is this? I'm not like other guys Oh no Of course not That's why I love you No No I mean I'm different

Come on What are you talking about No Oh come on No Not Jacko Oh for Christ Is this Michael Jackson

Good Lord Oh come on man Are you crapping me Why did you let him in? Hi Oh God, Jacko Hi, happy Halloween Oh God

Come on, Guy This was supposed to be a scary Podcast What are you doing here? Trick-Chi Smell my feet What? I said

Tricky-chee Smell my feet That is I wanted to a scary podcast And you are not exactly my idea of scary. But if you smell my feet,

that could be scary. What do you mean if I smell your feet? Trick or treat, smell my feet. I'm not going to smell your feet. Yes, you are, because I said it. Chicken treat, smell my feet. It's Halloween.

You have to smell my feet. You've got to be kidding me, Jacko. Ha, ha. Trick or treat, smell my feet. my feet? No, I'm not smelling your dirty feet. I just took my loafers off. I was moonwalking all day in my loafers and my feet are all sweaty and clammy and dirty. And there's calluses on the bottom and some giant blisters full of water and pus. So, trick or treat, smell my feet. I'm not smelling your feet, okay?

Then I'm going to stay here until you smell my feet. Give me your feet. God, if that gets you out of here, I'll smell your feet. Okay, great. But let, can I, can I, do you mind,

is it okay if I? What? Before you smell my feet. Yes. Can I say it and build it up so it's Halloween? Okay, say it. Okay.

Let me take my loavers off. Oh, God. I can smell it from here. But it's not in your face. You still have to smell my feet. Oh, my God. Okay, ready? Yes, hurry up.

Okay, trick or treat. Say it. Smell my feet. Okay, give them to me. Smell them deep. Oh, God, what have you been done? I stepped in dog shit about half an hour ago. I took my shoes off to cool my feet in the park

and walked through the nice, cool grass. And I didn't notice, but a St. Bernard, a Rottweiler, and a Shetland sheep dogs all took ships on the grass, and I moonwalked right through their shipings. piles oh god and now you have to trick-tree smell my dog shit feet oh my god there oh my god get out of here hey you know what what i heard you talking about um werewolves with hairy ass cracks yeah so i think you came up with a new term ass afro Or crack, Afro.

So what? So? Yes? So here's my new saying. Oh, you have a new saying? Because I have a new saying. Yep. What is it?

Hurry up. Here it is. Trick or treat. Smell my ass, Afro. Oh, no, you don't. Yep, you're going to sniff it. Or I'm not leaving. Oh, come on.

You're gonna make me sniff my ass afro. You don't even have hair on your whole body, but I sure do have some in my 14-inch ass crack, because I'm Jacko. I am not gonna... Let me pull down my pants. Oh, God. You sniff my Jacko, Cracko, and I'm gonna go out the doro.

Your sniff... Did you just say sniff your Jacko Crack? Well, you called me Jacko, and you promise you'll leave. Well, you've already sniffed my dog shit feet. Don't say that, don't remind me. And now, all you have to do, he is sniff my Jacko Cracko. And then I'm out the door, I'll moonwalk out the door with my dog shit smothered feet. I'll leave a dog shit moonwalk trail, skid mark, right across your studio.

Good God, Jacko. Cracko. What? You said Jacko. Okay. And then I said Cracko. Would you stop saying Jacko Cracko? He!

And stop your Jacko laugh. That sounded like Jacko Laffern. What? Well, you know what a Jackal Lantern is? Yes. Well, I just. came up with a new phrase, Jacko Lofo. Get your pants down and let, I can't believe I'm saying this.

Let me, let me sniff your Jacko Cracko and get the H out of my studio. Okay, here it is. Bending over. Take a sniff of my Jacko Cracko. It's special. Oh, my God, dude. I have Boston Market for lunch, and I've been doing buffet-style farts all day. Get out of here!

Oh, I'm gonna jacko-cracko out the door! Get out! Good Lord! Roger, unbelievable. Jeez, that was about as Halloween scary as someone throwing a pillow in my face. Jackson is not scary. I don't care if he turns into a werewolf or a cyclops. It's Halloween, man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Roger, can we do something scary for the listeners? What? Oh, Mr. Scary. Yes. Okay, all right. Mr. Scary is kind of scary. This is a very dark gentleman that phones the podcast every Halloween.

His name's Mr. Scary. And he reads his Halloween poem to us. on the podcast and it's it's not for the faint of heart it's disturbing it's it's it's creepy it's it's eerie but it's in keeping with you know the theme of Halloween of being scared and so we feel it's appropriate even though it's a little i always feel a little queasy after i hear his his Halloween poems, but I also maybe even feel a little bit scared.

And that's why we get this guy. So let's do that. This will definitely negate the Jacko disaster. Go ahead, Raj. Put him through. Folks, here he is. Like we have every Halloween,

Mr. Scarry's Halloween poem. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tonight's the night. I ride again. Perhaps this is the night your life will end. Mr. Scarry knows where you are. You may be close or you may be far.

But as I rise from the depths of hell, Run and hide, you might as well. For it makes me laugh that you would think you can escape my rotten stink. I'll find you as I always do. and frighten you from head to shoe. My rotten teeth and runny eyes, my dirty mouth so full of lies. Halloween, my favorite night,

to terrorize you with delight. I'll bite your throat and suck your blood. I'll drag your corpse into the mud. I'll lick you clean, then eat your hair. I'll chew your nose off. I don't care. And for dessert, don't call me a hog. But I'll eat your cat and then I'll eat your dog.

So do your best to run and hide. Whatever you lock, I'll get inside. For Mr. Scary won't be deprived. Would you prefer to be broiled or would you like to be fried? It doesn't matter, because when I'm done, I'll find your daughter and I'll find your son. Mr. Scary is the last thing you'll see on another horrific Halloween. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Roger. Mr. Scarys a little intense, bro. Like every year he's just really like dark and creepy and like eating people and torturing them and... But I guess that's part of Halloween. I hope you're a little bit scared. Hope your hairs are standing up on your pimples or whatever hairs stand up on. Yikes. But hey, shifting gears, hoping Mr. Scary doesn't come to my house.

I'm going to be honest, I love Halloween, but in many, many a year, maybe even many, many, a decade, gang. I have not carved a pumpkin. I haven't carved a pumpkin in a long time. And this year I did it. And it's a lot of fun. And so I'm recommending, you know, you've still got, you've still got today. You've got Monday.

If you're listening to this in the morning, You still have time to go get a pumpkin And I recommend Even if you're like Oh God, it's only one night It's Halloween's tonight I don't know It just helps you get into the mood

And it's kind of like It's kind of like some of the other things I throw at you guys Like the garden hose And pulling up beside a school bus And seeing children laughing and pointing at you Well carving a pumpkin really kind of takes you back to your childhood.

I was kind of flooded with memories and pumpkin carving. There's a lot of elements at play. You've got the sight of it. You know, let's face it, a pumpkin is a big orange. It's a very unique item. You know, it's a big orange vegetable.

and how often do you handle a pumpkin? Not very often. So you've got that. You've got sight and then you've got touch. It feels really weird when you're cutting it and you reach in. And I think that's where it hit me the most. When you reach into the guts of the pumpkin, once you cut the lid open, you reach in and have to pull the seeds out and all those gooey strands.

and it may sound yucky or like, I'm an adult, I don't do that, but it really kind of brings you back. And then there's that smell. There's that pumpkiny smell. It's really fun. And then there's the creativity when you're drawing on the pumpkin with your pencil or your Sharpie and you're coming up with your design. So your creative juices get going.

And then you get your knife and you start carving. And suddenly you're like a sculpturer. You're a fruit and vegetable sculptor. It's pretty cool, man. It's a good feeling. I promised you it'll take you back and make you kind of think of your youth than when Halloween was even more fun. So it's a small thing.

It takes about half an hour, maybe an hour to do. And then just when you think it's done, You kind of get the whipped cream and the cherry on top. You get to light the candle. You get to put the candle in the pumpkin. And you wait till it gets dark and you put the lid on it. And then you get to see your masterwork all lit up, illuminated. And then you get more of this sensory overload.

It's the colors, the shades, the tones of orange, the outer shell is dark. and the eyes are a softer shade of orange, and then the inner fleshy part, the depths of the pumpkin are all these. It's almost like a sunset, all these different shades and tones of orange and yellow and light, juxtapose against the darkness.

And even if you think your carving didn't look that great in the daylight, when you put a candle in it, it gives it a whole new life. And then you get this kind of little sense of eerieness, and there's a little ominous mischief in the air and you just have a feeling of satisfaction and you feel like, you know, you've done something creative and you feel like you've participated and immersed yourself in this silly fun holiday.

So for all you, you know, sticks in the mud, for all you scrooges that think you're too mature, Or you're too grown up. Or you don't want to take the time. You don't want to spend $4 on a pumpkin or $6. And you don't think it's going to be therapeutic. You don't think it's going to do anything for you. You're just thinking you've passed that point in your life.

You know what? Slap yourself on the fist and say, damn it, I'm going to get a pumpkin and I'm going to carve it. Even if I'm alone. I don't know if you go home and you don't have anybody. But even if you're alone, I recommend you do it. Put some music on. Have a glass of wine, a beer, a can of Coke.

Or invite a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a buddy or a family member over. And don't worry that it's only one night that today's the day. It's still going to be meaningful and rich, and I think you're going to like it. So there's my Halloween suggestion. Even though you couldn't come to my door for trick-or-treating, there's my treat my treat is i encourage you to go out and carve a pumpkin whether you're 12 years old or you're 82 years old just go do it man i think you'll find it gratifying all right enough of my lecturing rog what do we got next year for alaween my goodness wait who oh okay so rod roger's

holding up aside oh that makes sense yeah we haven't had her on the show for a long time. Halloween's probably perfect. Yeah, for dead Julia Childs? Oh, yeah. So for those of you that don't know, Julia Child was a famous celebrity television chef back in the, you know, 60s, 70s, 80s. She died like 20 years ago. But we bring her back for the Harlan Highway. We bring her back from the grave. And she's a wonderful chef. She has wonderful. recipes and I guess today let's patch it let's bring her bring her in bring her into the studio and let's see if she can whip up some Halloween goodies for us here she comes here she comes there she is hello Julia oh hi Harlan well what a delight to have you here we haven't seen

you in a while well you know how it is when you live underground you've got Beatles and Bugs picking at your bones. Well, I don't know how that works, but I'm glad you took the time to come up from my grave. Okay, I wasn't going to say it, but yes, from your grave to join us for Halloween. Well, it's really my favorite time of year. I mean, it is a celebration of the dead, so it's almost like it's a celebration of me.

Julia Childs. Yes, well, here we go. And have you got some delicious Halloween goodies for us today, Julia? I absolutely do, Harlan. Okay, well, what do you got? Well, I have a cookie, a peanut butter cookie. I call them Julia Child's Werewolf Cookies. Oh, wow.

And they're like a peanut butter cookie, but they're called Werewolf Cookies. Now, I've already made a one. A wonderful batch of nice warm werewolf cookies for Halloween. Let me just pull them out of my little pack here, and I'd love you to try some. Oh, I'd love to try some delicious peanut butter Halloween werewolf cookies. Yes, they're absolutely wonderful. Everyone around the graveyard just loves them. Oh, okay, well, here you let me try one of these.

Hang on. Oh, I can taste the peanut butter. Yes. And they're chewy. They're sugary. That's right. And oh, hang on. There's something that's stuck in my, in my tooths here.

Hang on. There, hang on. Yes. Hang on, Julie. I just, I got some, something stuck in my. No. Oh, my. What?

Well, there's a, there's a hair. there's a big hair in my in my cookie oh my god oh wonderful have another bite well okay i i guess i could i that was a little off-putting but hang on they are they're chewy yes and i really like the texture and the wait a second julia what i got i Oh, my God, there's like three or four hair stuck in my teeth. Oh, God. What the hell's going on? There's all, what's with all this hair?

Well, they're called werewolf cookies. What does that mean? Well, what are werewolves, Harlan? What do you mean, what are werewolves? Well, they're not bald, you fucking idiot. Julia, now come on. Well, they're covered with hair for Christ's sake. Okay, I know

Werewolves are covered with hair Who doesn't know that? Well, what kind of cookie is that? Your cookies? Yes. A Werewolf cookie? Exactly. Wait a minute.

Are you telling me there's hair in these cookies? It's two cups of sugar, one pound of butter, fresh ground peanuts, flour, a little pinch of vanilla, and all the armpit hairs you can eat. What did you just say? That's right. I put my own armpit hairs into the werewolf cookies. Are you telling me? Wait, what? I cut my little armpit hairs and I sprinkle

them in the cookies to give them the hair and therefore get to call them werewolf cookies. Whoa, are you telling me I just ate some of your armpit hair? And when I run out of armpit hair, I use nose hair, ear hair, and ass crack hair. Oh, my, God! I feel sick. Well, if you're going to be sick, if you need to let out a howl, that's the whole thing behind the werewolf cookies. Oh, oh my God.

Did you say ass crack hair? I certainly did, and, uh... Hi, special. Uh-oh, what the hell? I'm back. How about some ass afrocrack hair? No, no, no. You're not supposed to be back here. Oh, who's this? It's Michael Jackson, Jacko. Oh, hi. Hi, Julia. Special. I saw you in the graveyard.

Oh, Michael Jacko. Would you like a werewolf cookie? Only if you'll take one of my ass afro cookies. All right, you two. We're not. sharing pubic hair cookies. Oh, they sound delicious. They're not delicious. They're special. Oh, special ass crack assafro cookies. Oh, delicious. Oh my God, get out of here, both of you. Halloween has never been more horrifying. Or special. Or, oh, out, out, out. Both of you, dead still. Come on Jacko, let's go back to the graveyard and dig up Andrei the giant skull and play basketball with it special. That sounds really special. Get out of here, you two idiots. Oh

Good Lord Roger. You had to let Jacko back in I'm just spinning. I've still got freaking hairs in my teeth. Julia, Julia Child's, armpit nose, and ass crack hair. God damn. This really is the scariest Halloween ever. I got on the show, I can hardly talk. I got freaking hairs in my, I got hairs in my teeth.

sucking them out. Oh, God. All right, let's, let's clean this up. Let's do some announcements and get the hell out of here. Just a reminder, everyone, don't forget my new animated series, The Skylanders Academy, just came out a few days ago on Netflix. So if you want to watch a fun, animated, brand new cartoon based on one of the biggest

video games in the world. The Skylanders, please check it out. Great cast, me, Justin Long, Norm MacDonald, Susan Sarandon, Ashley Tisdale, I mean, a whole bunch of fun people on there. Check it out. And if you want to see me do some live stand-up comedy, that's what I said live player. I will be starting in November.

We are looking at November 11th. and 12th. I will be at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Just a great club, great city, great time. November 11 and 12. And then the following weekend, I will be down in San Diego, California. November 17th through the 20th at the American Comedy Co. Great club right in the downtown core. Please come out and see the show. And then the following week, Thanksgiving week, you turkeys. I will be in Irvine, Irvine, California, Orange County, just south of Los Angeles at the spectrum. They have a beautiful improv comedy club there, and you've got to come check it out, Playa. And then December 1st through the 4th, I will be in Cleveland, Ohio, at hilarities. And the last show of the year for me, which is going to be fun, will be in Oxnard,

Oxnard, California, which is just north of Los Angeles, a brand new club called Levity Live. It just opened this year. It's apparently beautiful. It'll be my first time playing at December 8 through 11, Oxnard, at the Levity Live Comedy Club. So a lot going on. go to my site harlom williams.com and you can you can look up all the dates you can book your tickets right online it's a beautiful thing man um also when you're at my site check out our web store we got great gifts christmas is coming up rapidly so if you want some fun comedy gifts t-shirts artwork

CDs DVDs music all kinds of stuff for sale uh digital downloads, all kinds of stuff at my web store as Christmas approaches, funny t-shirts. You name it, baby. Also, you can write to me at harloweems.com. There is a contact link if you have anything you want to say or ask me about or tell me about harlombs.com. Also, there is a phone number at the website. So if you want to phone me and leave me a voicemail, it is 323-739-4330.

323-739-4330 love to hear from you no matter what you have to say i love to hear from you so don't be afraid give us a call love to hear from you and don't forget to download our free app on your cell phone it costs you nothing except maybe 30 seconds of your time go into your app store type in the harland highway and boom you get the free app you get the 50 most current episodes of the highway if you want to become a premium member you get all 800 plus episodes of the harlan highway plus all kinds of premium content it's a great deal for 20 dollars a year get make that as a Christmas present to yourself I urge you um and uh and that is it gang that is all the time we have for today I hope you had a great time please tell you friends about the Harland Highway. Let's get them on board so they can enjoy the experience

of a werewolf cookie. Good Lord. Happy Halloween. Be safe. Have fun. Like I said, get out there and carve a damn pumpkin. Do it tonight. Do it today. Get in the spirit of the spirit holiday. And until next time, trick or treat, smell my feet, and chicken. Chaumain, baby! Boo! Ah! Trick-a-treat, smell my dog shit feet!