The Harland Highway - 815 - Harland 's horrifying SPY CAM. The Election. Harland on radio.

Episode Date: November 3, 2016

Harland spots something horrifying on his home security cam! The election so far. Harland's final stint on morning radio.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God. Hello, everybody. Harlan Williams here. You are on the Harland Highway podcast, and I am your show for Harland Williams. Yes. So this is a show after Halloween, and maybe this show could be scarier than the Halloween show, because, A, we're going to talk about the election, which I haven't done in a while, but one of the pavement pounders said, hey, man, how come you're not talking about the election? So I'm going to talk a little bit about it. I know half of you don't like it, but too bad. I'm going to do it. And then I'm also going to talk about something that really scared me. An invader in my house. Yeah, I had a home invasion happened. Terrifying. Wait to you hear this crazy story.

And then later in the show, on the back end of the show, I'm going to play the final segment of my morning radio jaunt. When I travel to towns and cities across America, I do morning radio with the DJs, and I decided to record it and play it for you guys because we always have a lot of fun. We do a lot of joking around. We improvise stuff in the moment. And I thought, man, you know, people other than the city I travel to should hear this stuff. So we'll have the final segment of that, and it's going to be a lot of fun.

Here we go, everybody. It is time for the Harland. Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head.

Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing, Not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams.

You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. All right, here we go. Halloween is over. But the fear. the scaring does not stop here's why oh god that this might be scarier than anything that happened on Halloween you ready ready for this one ugh um so uh so i got in my house like

security cameras right most a lot of us have security cameras in our homes you know little hidden video cameras to catch catch thieves catch troublemakers should they They attempt to break in. And you hope you never have to use it. You hope you never see anything. And so far so good. But the thing is, it's a motion-activated camera. So when I leave the house, if any motion is detected, it tells my cell phone.

And so I was out of town a few weeks ago, and I'm just, you know, wandering around, sipping on a seven-up, shoving a pizza slice in my phone. and all of a sudden, I get a notification on my cell phone. I'm like, oh, and it's nighttime. You know, it's like after one of my shows. And I guess I was heading back to the hotel or I was in my hotel room or something. And I'm like, my look at the notifications, we have detected motion in your living room. And I'm like, uh-oh.

I don't like this. Is there someone in my living room sitting on my couch watching TV, ordering Chinese food? And then when they're done, they're going to steal everything. Like my, you know, my Incredible Hulk posters or my Pee-Wee Herman doll? Oh, no! So kind of trepidaciously, with bated breath, I thought I better look at the footage because it records the footage. You hit the app and it rolls back. like all the movement, all the activity.

So I hit the button and it hits rewind. It hits, it saves the clip. And at first there's nothing. I can just see my living room. You know, I got a view of the whole thing. I have the camera hidden up on this perch. And I'm like, what the hell? There's nothing moving here.

I don't get it. Why is it? And then like 10 seconds in, all of a sudden, a giant ass appears in my camera a giant hairy pink ass and on top of this ass

is a long wispy tail yeah that's right a giant freaking rat ah isn't that creepy a giant rat walked right in front of my camera

and I'm like wait a minute I don't have rats in my house Are you kidding me? I'm a rat, and this was a big rat. It's like the size of a hippopotamus almost. They always seem bigger because they're so creepy, right? And this thing, like, it walked right in front of the camera that was balancing on the edge,

wiggling its ass right in my face. And I'm like, part of me is like, oh, thank God, it's not a human being in my house. And then I'm like, wait a minute, it's a rat. I'd rather have a human being. Take the TV. Take the stereo. Just don't be a rat. Because you know now a rat you've got that creepy feeling in your house. What if I'm laying in bed and the rat decides to crawl up and put his ass in my face while I'm in bed? I wake up a rat face. There's a rat hole in my face.

And so I'm like, oh my God. So then I keep watching the camera. The thing jumped down onto the couch, down onto the floor. He's walking around, nibbling around on my carpet. I'm like, oh, God, I'm going to get Zika or junta virus or Ebola. Maybe the black plague. I'm just creeped right out, man. Who wants a rat in their house, right?

Disgusting. It's worse than having a cockroach. So I get home and I'm like, okay, I got to put some rat traps down and some poison. And I put these two big rat traps down with peanut butter on them. Nothing. But then I put down this little box of rat poison. It's like a little square box.

You open it and there's these green pellets inside. and they say it kills rats and mice they eat it and like two days three days later the poison in the uh in the poison i guess just obliterates their innards and no more rat so i put down this poison and uh and this was after i got home and by the way they were like little rat droppings in my kitchen on the floor so even i hadn't seen the rat i would have spotted the telltale you know chocolate covered raisin rat turds on my floor

and I would have figured it out I would have gone uh oh there's something loose in my house and a rat turd's a lot bigger than a mouse turd um so I put that down and uh and I see that they've been nibbling at it or it's been nibbling at it I should say and I think okay you know what you know what I'm going to do at night I'm going to put my security camera down on the floor and see if I can watch them. And so I put the security camera on the floor and the next morning I watched the footage, guess what? You guessed it,

two rats! I'm like, oh my God! And I'm thinking if there's two rats, there's probably three, there's probably four, there could be five. Rats breed like rats, man. And so now I'm trying to figure out how the hell did they get in my house because a lot of times during the day I'll leave my front door open if it's a nice day and just let the fresh air come in I'm thinking I must have let them come in and they got they got trapped in my house when I closed the door but then I'm thinking no two rats and so I decided I better check the circumference of my house and sure enough I figured out the problem it's my fault there's there's a little area there's a little like storage bin that was built into the framework of my house, into the plaster of the house, where it's like a little like bin where you can put tools and gardening supplies

and stuff like that. And before I had gone away on my trip, I had left this thing propped open because I was cleaning it. And I didn't close the lid. And so when I walked around my house, I saw this thing open, and I looked in one of the walls

of this said compartment. There was a hole that I guess had been originally cut for a vent or something. There was a hole about, you know, eight inches by eight inches square. And it went right into the wall of my house. And I was like, Eureka, the rat hole. Oh, my God. And so I closed up the lid and the rats are gone. I've had the cameras down.

They're gone. There's been no more rat turds. I solved the problem. But, man, I'm glad that's all it was. I'm glad it wasn't a little tiny hole somewhere in a wall or on the floor, somewhere where I couldn't find it. So for like a week, I had rats. Oh, God, I just want to burn my house down and rebuild in another country.

That's how creepy rats are. So there's my after-Hlloween story that really is scarier than anything. else. Dirty, slimy, greasy rats. Although they do have cute ones at the pet store, and I'm off to buy one right now. A caramel colored rat with a little black spots on it, and I'm going

to call them twinkles and keep them in the house. I mean, why wouldn't I keep a rat in the house? I've already got rats in the house. Hello? Hello? So, so she's getting ready to come up.

Next month. less than a month away until we vote. And tonight is the last bit. And things aren't looking so good for Trump. So if Hillary wins, are you going to take back off to Canada and just let her fuck up America while you chill out in Canada? Because that's what I would do. But I'm not a citizen of Canada. So unfortunately, I'm going to be stuck with Hillary for the next four years.

Anyways, you haven't done the political segment in a while, so I thought maybe you could chime in. Until next time, chicken chow maine, baby. Oh, Zach, Zach, Zach. Yes, I haven't done a political segment in a while because I love doing them, but people get so uptight about them. People get so upset and people get angry and people, you know, leave me phone calls and say, oh, I'm not going to listen to your podcast anymore. And it just normally I don't give a crap, but it kind of got in my head a lot.

little bit and uh you know maybe getting your message snapped me out of it but uh you know i i guess i just don't like it when people when people say oh they're not going to listen to the podcast anymore because i like trump that's like me saying well i don't want you to listen you're not allowed to listen to my podcast because you like hillary i don't care if you like Hillary i still like you you can listen to my podcast should i should i not let you listen because you like Hillary and I like Trump? Is because I like Trump any reason for you not to listen? Geez, man.

Lighten up. So anyways, the election is coming up. Your message is a bit old. You called me a couple of weeks ago, obviously, but we're in the last week here. The election is next week. I filled out my vote the other day. I'm actually going to mail my vote in today. It's in the envelope.

Nope, ready to go. And Trump wasn't a lot of trouble, but then, you know, he kind of got through the trouble. Not that he's through it. I mean, I think people still hold on to their opinions about him and the Access Hollywood video. But now Hillary's kind of in hot water because the FBI has decided to reopen the case about her emails. which can't bode well for her. I doubt they would reopen the case and publicly announce it unless they felt that there was something fairly damaging in there.

You've got to figure they must have a hint or a sense or have a handle on what's in the content of those emails. Or why would the director of the FBI James Comey, you know, bring it up and make it public? just a week before the election. But you know what? I don't care that he did because, you know, I think Hillary, you know,

so much stuff has come out about Hillary and her campaign and the people that work with her, the people that are in her campaign. And if you don't at this point see the pattern, the trail of corruptness, and deception, and all the bad things that seem to swirl around Hillary, I think you're delusional. You're kind of one of those people that, you know, you're kind of one of those people that see someone getting beat up in the street

or shot in the street or is drowning and you decide to look the other way. You're like, oh, it'll be all right. That's not my problem. It's okay. I'm just, if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist, it'll go away. Well, it's not going to go away. It does exist. And all these issues, the Clinton Foundation and the emails and the lying and the pay for play and all this stuff is all an insult to every citizen of the United States.

And it's going to follow her should she win. I hope she doesn't. But should she win the presidency, all this stuff, all this new investigation, is going to follow her into the Oval Office, and it's going to be distracting. It's going to get in the way. It's going to make the rest of the world look up and go, America just elected someone who's under critical criminal investigation to be their president? What's that say? And by the way, if this crap was happening to Trump, I'd be saying exactly what I'm saying right now about Hillary. Exactly.

Because as I've told you guys before, I look at the person and who they are. I don't look at the party. I couldn't care less that Trump's a Republican or that Hillary's a Democrat. I look at the person on face value, on their actions, on their... on the things that they do. And so I just right out of the gate from day one of not liked Hillary and the aura around her and the dishonesty and the deception and all that stuff.

Is Trump rough around the edges too? You're damn right he is. But, you know, the stuff he has done was stuff that more or less happened in his personal. life before he was ever running for political office. It doesn't give him a get out of jail card. Some of the stuff he's done is not acceptable or good even. But he was not serving as a servant of we the citizens of the United States.

He was not a politician. He was not beholden to us. He was not beholden to the laws and rules of when you work in the government and Hillary with all this illegal email server and all the lies and all the evasion, all the obstruction of justice. She's been a public servant for 30 years. She's been in the political arena. She should know better. I get it that Trump was rough around the edges when he was a construction guy and a developer. I mean, do you really think guys in the construction industry sit around at the gentleman's club?

in leather chairs in the library, smoking cigars and brandishing a sherry? No, Trump comes from a pretty rough and tumble world where he has to learn to be street tough and talk street talk and deal with contractors and construction workers. And yeah, he's probably rough around the edges. And I think we all know, you know, construction workers whistle at girls when they walk by. So you've got to imagine that spills over into the guys that are in the upper offices.

I'm not defending Trump or his treatment of woman. I have four sisters. I didn't like hearing what he said. But I think there's a difference him saying this locker room crap or defamation of women when you're a working Joe versus someone who has to answer to we the taxpayers because we're paying their bills. And when they're diverting money, when they're doing pay to play, when they're getting, you know, special interest groups money

and giving, you know, getting money from foreign countries and then returning them with favors. It's just all shady. Hillary Clinton is a shady, shady, person. And in my mind, and you might think I'm wrong, is not worthy of what I hope would be the most honorable office in the world. where you walk into the office with honor and integrity and honesty and so on and so on. Instead, if she wins, you have a person walking in that's been under criminal investigation so many times.

She has so many ethics and legal issues that there's like nine or ten laundry lists. So I don't know You're free to disagree And half of you or most you Or I don't know how many of you do But you know me I like Trump I like the renegade factor

I like a guy who's a bit A guy who's outside of the box Because I think the box Is full of crooks and criminals And incompetent people Who are not servicing you Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I think it's a mistake to hold someone up who's not a good candidate, Hillary, just because you don't want the other option.

But you better look at what you're getting when you start, you know, propping up someone who probably shouldn't be propped up. If you went to church, would you consider her a good citizen of your church? If she was your neighbor, would you consider her a good neighbor, an upstanding quality human being? I don't know. I wouldn't. So anyways, back to the election.

I think it's still a toss-up, man. I'm kind of hoping that it's one of those things where all these people who are voting for Trump aren't really saying it. And I'm hoping all the polls are wrong. And I'm hoping Trump has this huge blowout. And he just, like, destroys Hillary and all these, you know, these CNN

and news media talking heads who are so smug and confident that they have all the answers and that Hillary's got it in the bag. I don't know. I'd love to see Trump walk out of there and surprise the crap out of everyone. Like he's done this whole election cycle. I mean, look what he did to all the other people running for president. in his own party, he annihilated them. And from day one, everyone in the media, all the other politicians, everyone said he doesn't

have a chance, he's not going to get there, and he blew by them. Handily. And so I'm hoping it's kind of that same thing on election day that everyone's just standing there, especially the Democrats, with their jaws hanging up and go, holy crap, he won? He won by a lot? And so I'm going to call it. I'm going to predict it. At the risk of being wrong and having egg on my face,

or maybe a whole omelet with bacon and home fries on the side, I'm going to call it that Trump overwhelmingly wins the election, becomes the president, and that people did not see it coming. And I'm calling it just because I kind of, for two reasons. A, that's kind of what I want in my head, so obviously I'm going to call it. But B, just because I kind of have this sneaky suspicion that that might be the reality. So we'll see what happens. And that's my latest update on the election. Thank you for asking.

And for those of you that are all pissed off at my assessment and, oh, how dare you talk about Hillary like that? hey man it's just my opinion it's just my point of view and to ease your pain if you love Hillary if you want Hillary good for you I hope you get what you want I still like you I still love you I have no ill will towards you if you talk badly about Trump I still like you these are just two figureheads who represent two parties and a lot of it's just a show a lot of it's just a front. You should never let, you know, these people and politics get in the way of the things you like or don't like in life, the people you choose to hang with and befriend, friends and family

members. Because at the end of the day, it's just all a bunch of words and things floating up in the air, right? So don't take any of it personally. I don't take anything you do personally. I respect your right to choose and talk and have an opinion. So there you go. Thank you for the call.

You know, let's see what happens. We'll talk about it in another week. Oh, my God. And see who our new president is. I mean, who knows what President Trump will. I mean, who knows who the president's going to be. So there you go. Thanks for your call.

if you want to call in 3-2-3-739-4-3-3-0. Yeah, baby, get out there and vote. Hey, hello, this is Jake from Rochester, New York. I just want to let you know I'm loving being a newly pavement pounder premium style. Fucking great. Anyways, I just want to tell you that short story stuff. the first few segments I was a little

about it I'm glad I listened to it in bits but four and five man I'm starting to love it great um

also that radio show segment you did I thought was one of the funniest things you've done it

it's hilarious dude give me some more a dad fucking awesome I don't know what that was I was freaking

listening too much corn and slip knot I guess but uh No, I just love the stuff when you're in contact with other people. I think you're at your funniest. It's hilarious. Whether you're doing stand-up, which I can't wait to see you doing that whenever you're nearby.

But please do more of that radio show stuff. That stuff is great. Anyways, chicken chalmayne. Mavis? Hey, Jake. Thank you very much for your phone call, Brousuf. Oh, Broussaf. Thanks for your phone.

call bro um hey man that's cool i'm glad you liked my short story the time machine garden hose or garden hose time machine as it were um i had a lot of fun doing that it was uh it was a lot of work but it was fun and stimulating and uh i'm glad you liked it and as you said that's the problem with releasing a story in segments because i feel stories are kind of like movies they build and build and build and hopefully they get better and better and take you to a crescendo and the only downside of me releasing my story in bits is that it might only take you to a certain part and then you're like ah i'm not there yet and you might not be inspired to listen to the the next part which hopefully hopefully like stares it brings you up and up and up and at the end

you're like yes i made it to the top and it feels good but at the same time i think it's kind of fun just to give you guys a, you know, a little piece every week. Gives you something to look forward to if you're into. So I'm glad you liked it. I guess my next question is, should I do more? I don't know if you guys would like to hear more of my short stories. I have a whole bunch. My God, I have horror stories.

I have drama. I have romance. I have animal-themed stories. I have sci-fi stories. I've got tear jerkers. I've got, I mean, I've got a whole bunch that I've written, and no one's ever heard them. They're buried, and I've just never shown them to anyone.

And so I don't know if you guys want to hear more, if it's too laborious, if you're like, oh, God, no, it uses up too much of the podcast. But what I tried to do is I tried to do my regular podcast and then tacked the story on at the end. So you got your regular half hour of the Harlan Highway, and then the story I was kind of careful to put it at the end, so it was like an extra bonus 20 minutes or so.

But the last thing I want to do is put more of it up there if you guys aren't into it. So if you guys, you know, start writing me or calling me and tell me it's something you might want to hear more of, then I'm game, man. But, you know, this is your show as much as it is mine. want to, I don't want to, I don't want to litter the show with stuff that you guys are like, ah, it's too much, it's too wordy, it's too much talking, and who wants to read, make funny

noises and bird calls and talk, do your dopey characters, readings for dummies, or whatever, I don't know. So you guys can let me know. I'll assess your feedback, and if I feel like it's something you guys want more of, I'll jump in. You can let me know at harlough williams.com just to click on the contact switch, or you can phone me at 323739-43330. That's 323-739-43330. And as far as the radio stuff, I'm glad you enjoyed that. In fact, why don't we end the show with the final segment of yours truly doing morning radio?

The reason I put it up was just to kind of give you guys a taste in full. feel for what it's like when I'm out on the road and I'm doing a stand-up comedy gig, a club, or a theater. And I've got to get out there on the early morning of the morning hours, the wee morning hours. And, you know, promote myself and be funny with the DJ. So here we go to end out the show, the final segment of Harland on morning radio with the great DJs in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Oh, yeah. Harlan Williams is here. Oh, yeah. I'm here. I'm here. Definitely here.

Harp. Harp. Arp. Sunday, not Sunday. Tonight, through Sunday, Harlan will be performing at the improv. Yes. Have you done this before? Yes. Oh. Oh, yeah. I've been to the improv here in Pitt. I got two shows tonight, two shows Saturday, one show Sunday.

I'm up against a Steelers game on Sunday. Nobody cares about that. Yeah, so, come on out. People don't really even watch the shows here. They don't care. Maybe I'll do my show. Do they have a half-time show booked yet for this Sunday? Yeah, I think they do.

Sticks. Oh, really? Darn it. Maybe I'll open for sticks. I'll do the half-my, I'll do my Sunday show at the Hines Stadium or whatever it's called. Heinz Field. Sure. Do you like Heinz ketchup or are you a Hunts guy?

I like Heinz. I like Heinz. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Now, are you coming from Canada, did you have ketchup or cats up? We had ketchup, yeah, still the same. Have you seen cats up, though, right? No, what's cats up?

Does that when your cat runs away and you're chasing it? Hunts need their version of catch up, but it was spelled C-A-T-S-U-P, cats up. Oh, wow. And I never understood why that happened. Yeah. Am I the only person here who remembers this? No. No, you're right.

No, that's a word. Cats up. Does it still exist? Don't they still sell it? I think they do. I think so. I don't know why, though. Cats up, it's how it's true.

Cats up, yeah. Cats up. Why do they call all that stuff condiments? Like ketchup, mustard, relish. Why condiments? What's that mean? I don't know. Have you ever had a condom mint?

No. Oh, they're great. Are they? Yeah. Ooh. Give me that nice spearmint taste. Oh, really? Yeah, I bet they do.

I guess how it depends on how it's administrative. It gives you that nice rubbery taste in your mouth. When you were a kid, did you ever eat elastic bands? Never chew on an elastic band when you were a kid? Yeah, like rubber bands? Yeah. Yeah. You did?

Really? Yeah, it was like gum, but it, you know, the poor man's gum. If you couldn't afford, like, double bubble, you just chew a rubber band. We call them gum bands. It makes perfect sense. You never lost its flavor. Yeah. I never had flavor.

Yeah. Like, you can't lose it. Yeah. It's hard for something you never had. But hold on. Aren't rubber bands, don't they cost about as much as gum? Yeah. But you can't shoot gum.

Rubber band, if someone walk by, you can ding them in the head. Plus, remember you used to buy those big bags. It's a one-time purchase. Yeah, that's true. You have to keep buying the gum. This is a good point. Yeah. Yum.

So go on down and eat some rubber bands with Harlan Williams this weekend at the improv. Yeah, we were talking about the cheesecake factory earlier. Yeah. And, you know, it's an interesting place because they lure you in. It's like Cheesecake Factory, right? Who doesn't love cheesecake? We all love delicious cheesecake. It's great.

So I go into this place and I'm thinking cheesecake, cheesecake, cheesecake, and then I started thinking about the second word, factory, factory, factory. And suddenly, I'm picturing a sweatshop in the back with shirtless 14-year-old Taiwanese boys getting whipped. with a sugar cane being forced to make freaking, you know, cheesecake. And then they bring me the menu at the cheesecake factory. And probably the thickest menu I've ever seen in my life, this thing's 89 pages deep. There's revelations in the back of the cheesecake menu. It's so, you know, I'm sitting there trying to eat cheesecake,

reading about the seven horses of the apocalypse. But no word of lie, this menu's so thick. they've got advertisements in the menu. And in between my appetizer and the main course, I ordered a dress online. No kidding. Yeah. It's ridiculous.

Just a crazy, crazy cheesecake factory menu. What's your favorite item on that menu? I think I like the honey-drizzled koalafi. You know, I mean, the menu's so thick. They got a make-up food item. They ran out of food, so they had, the last eight pages are made up. Would you like some more Brontosaurus egg omelets, sir? What about some rhino horn fritters, my friend?

It's like beluga whale. How about some beluga whale tenders? Those are delicious. Yeah. Whale tenders. Yeah. You get those with cats up. The cats up, yeah.

Teradactal fingers. Delicious. That sounds great. Go eat some rubber bands and some beluga whale fingers. Yum. With Harlan Williams this weekend at the Improv. 412, 4162, 5233, Improv.com. Boy, it's always a pleasure.

Oh, man. Always a treat, man. I love it. I'm so glad you get to see the new digs here, the new studio, you know? This is good. Is this IKEA? This is. Have you been to IKEA? Sure.

Here's the deal. And then I'll get out of your hands. because I went to Ikea. First of all, biggest structure I think I've ever seen in my life. It's like an airport hangar. Well, they should be parking blimps in IKEA. But it's so big. It makes me think like a Home Depot and a Walmart got drunk one night,

went out, got it on, and nine months later had a chubby Swedish kid. And you go into that place, and it's insulting right out of the gate, because you go in and there's like a 43-foot-wide hallway, and they have the nerve to put an arrow in the middle of it, pointing like, I don't know how to work a hallway. It's like a haunted house of adulthood. You've got to work your way through. You've got to work your way through.

I know how to walk down a 48-foot-wide hallway, thank you, Ikea. And then you go in, and about five minutes in, you're kind of like, you start thinking to yourself, because everything's in another language. And you go, am I Swedish? I start reading the signs, and I'm like, you know, I just want a chair. I want a bookshelf. And I called the guy, sir, do you have any more of these Fletargg de Norgans over here?

How much for the glenarch de Blargin for my living room? And there's so much stuff at IKEA, you're just overwhelmed. There's like 20 million products. And I just, I bought something out of guilt. I bought bunk bed. I live alone. What the hell? I get home.

I invite my friends over for a Glynard de Glargden party. Come on. Anyways, enough. I'm mad. Harlan Williams, ladies, gentlemen. They go see you. Hey, oh. That's a pleasure.

Hey, yo, there he is. That's me, Harland Williams, morning radio. And a lot of fun. Again, my thanks to those cats in Pittsburgh. So good. So gracious. we always have a good laugh. So that's the last of the radio segments.

I hope you enjoyed it. It sounds like a lot of you did. And maybe I'll record some more down the road. And I can play some more of that for you because it is a lot of fun. In the meantime, if you want to have even more fun, how about this? Come see me, man. I'm doing some live stand-up comedy. We're into November.

That's right. You can see me November 11 and 12 in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. Oh, hell yeah. November 11 and 12, The Comedy Works, get your tickets at Harlowell Williams.com. The following weekend, November 17th to the 20th. Yours truly will be at San Diego at the American Comedy Co. Please check that out. Great club down there.

And then Thanksgiving weekend, November 25 to 27, I will be at the Irvine Improv in Orange County at the Spectrum. What a great way to spend your Thanksgiving. You know, you have Thanksgiving on the Thursday, on the 24th, you eat, you know, you sit around, you get tired, you're sleeping, you need something to wake up. You need a little kick in the ass. Guess what? That's right. You come to the improv and sit back. and let me put on a show for you.

That's what you do. The Irvine Improv, November 25 to 27. And then going into December, I only have two shows. One in Cleveland, December 1st to the 4th, or 1st to the 3rd, I should say. December in Cleveland at Hilarities, Cleveland, Ohio. And then December 8th through the 11th in Oxnard, California. brand new club called Levity Live.

Oh my God, I'm so excited. It'll be my first time playing in Oxnard at Levity Live. So get your tickets, harlorn Williams.com. Click on my stand-up comedy tour link, and you can reserve ASAP. Also, don't forget, you can write to me, harlomwiliams.com. You can call me at 323739-43.3.3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. that phone number is at harlem williams.com where you can also buy christmas is coming up get into the store get into the harlom williams.com store we have movies DVDs CDs music art

t-shirts digital downloads all kinds of great stuff at harlem williams.com also get our app the free harland highway app for your telephone are you kidding it's so easy You just go to your app store on your phone, type in the Harland Highway, and boom, there it is free. The 50 most current episodes are free. And then for $20 a year, you can join our premium package. You get all the backlog shows, over 800 shows backlog for $20, plus special recordings, plus special stand-up comedy routines of mine. Plus my other podcast, let's have a fight. so much to gain for only $20.

And it helps with all my overhead here while I do all this podcasting for you guys. So thanks so much, guys. Don't forget, get out there and vote whoever your candidate may be. Go vote for them. Be proud. Be proud of who you vote for. And let's see who wins. And until next time, chicken.

shall mean, baby, ha, ha. Thank you.