The Harland Highway - 816 - National anthem on one knee controversy. 42$ million lost.

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

A caller complains about one knee anthem controversy. Harland as a Super Hero. Someone lost 42 million dollars! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, Pilgrims, Cowboys, Indians, and Dust Devils. I don't know where I picked those four out. I just let my mind roll, and that's what I got. So if any of you fit into that group, welcome. The rest of you, whatevs? Great show today. We are going to be talking about me turning into a superhero, thanks to one of our pavement pounders.

Yeah, Harlan becomes a superhero with a very interesting hook. Also, we have a gentleman calling in who's very upset about the Colin Packernick or whatever the hell his name is. The quarterback in the NFL who refuses to stand for the American National Anthem, he goes down on one knee. And we have a gentleman named Finius Freeman calling in, and he wants to discuss. Colin Kaepernick's lack of patriotism.

So that's probably going to get a little heated. Also, a crazy news story, man. How would you feel if you won millions and millions of dollars and then had it taken away from you within 24 hours? Oh, my God, wait till you hear this. It is crazy. It always is, because ladies and gentlemen, this is the Harland Highway. What am I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harlan Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

All right. Let's start the show with something a little controversial. As you know, during this season of the NFL, there's been some controversy. he raised over a quarterback on the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick, I believe is his name. I always get it mixed up. And as many of you know, if you follow sports at all or even just look at the headlines, Colin has kind of made it his mission to protest police brutality and the treatment of people in the African-American community

and social injustice, and just kind of, I don't know, he's kind of, you know, taking a shot at the American way of life and challenging it and kind of saying, hey, everything ain't in order in the house. You know, things are not fair and square. Things are uneven. Things are tilted and not in the right direction of the African-American community and the poor community and people that are less fortunate.

And he might have a point. I don't know. I mean, it's a very deep, deep sociological issue that, you know, for me to formulate a serious opinion on it, I feel I would have to do a lot more research. Now, I think it's obvious to everyone that whether you're black, white, Asian, Hispanic, if you're in the poor community, sometimes, you know, life tends to dump on those communities.

communities more than they do, you know, more prosperous communities. But with all the business going on with the police shootings and the police doing the shootings and Black Lives Matter and all this stuff, I think it kind of got Colin fired up and he wanted to create a cause and he wanted to shine the light on what's happening right now. And some of you might think it's a good thing. Some of them might think it's a bad thing. but I guess we have a caller today, Roger. Who is it?

Phineas Freeman? Yeah, this guy's from Michigan? Okay. And I guess he's a sports fan. Him and his friends are avid NFLers. And I guess this guy wants to weigh in on this whole situation. And is he on the line now, Roger? He is.

Okay. Let's put him through. Let's go to Phineas Freeman. and get his take on the whole, you know, not standing for the national anthem and not sitting for the national anthem, but actually taking a knee on the football field. And I think Phineas, from what Roger has told me, is upset that Colin Kaepernick is not committing one way or the other. He sees taking a knee as kind of being halfway in between. Either you have a cause or you don't.

And so Phineas, let's just put them through, Raj. Put them through. Here we go. Okay, we are talking here. We have on the line, Phineas Freeman, who is, I guess, sir, you have some objections to Colin Packernick. I'm not sure if I'm getting his name, his last name correctly. The quarterback for the San Francisco 69ers, the NFL franchise. and as we all know in the news recently during the national anthem

Colin has taken to one knee he will not stand for the American National Anthem he gets down on one knee and that has upset a lot of people on one side and on the other side it seems to have empowered other people so so where are you on this whole debacle Phineas well thank you Mr. Williams Here's where I stand.

We don't think Colin Kaepernick is going quite far enough. If you're going to make a statement, you know, to go down on one knee is really in my circle of friends, what we call lame. Oh, okay. So you are, first of all, let me just say, are you okay with him not standing for the national anthem? You know, Mr. William, that's America, so people can do whatever they choose. But what really upsets us is that he's half-assing it. You know, it's either you stand up, you sit down, you don't go down on one knee. And so, you know, me and my group, we are attending the NFL games,

and we have created our own form of protest just to kind of say, hey, you know, are you in or are you out? Well, what do you mean? You don't like, obviously, the Colin Packernick or whatever the hell his name is, is just going halfway. No, like I said, it's lame, Mr. Williams. So what are you guys doing when the national anthem is being played at the NFL games? Well, we're committed. Okay, we're dedicated.

We have a friend of ours, Frank, and he's a quadriplegian. He has no legs beneath the kneecaps. And what we do is, you know, when the national anthem starts, we commit. How do you mean you commit? Well, when the national anthem starts, we all stand. Obviously, Frank can't. No, he's in a wheelchair with no legs. So what we do, Mr. Williams, and Frank's on board with this, by the way,

before anyone gets their ass in a twist. we push Frank out of his wheelchair onto a pile of broken glass. I'm sorry? Well, like I said, we're not half-assing it, Mr. Williams. We are a group of concerned citizens, and we're committing to either sitting or standing for the National Anthem. And in this situation, almost to thumb our noses at Colin Packernick, we literally push Frank out of his wheelchair onto broken glass.

bottles, pieces of windows, things like this. And his little stumps are literally just flailing in the air. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, sir. This sounds cruel and inhumane. You know, see, here we go. Here we go. And that's why I said right at the beginning, okay, that Frank is on board with this process. He's a patriotic American.

And when we light that glass on fire and he... Wait a minute. What? We light the glass on fire. Mr. Williams, I told you we're not poofies, okay? We're committing to this whole thing. Colin Packernick looks like a bona fide pussy next to what we do. Now, when we push Frank onto the broken glass and we light it on fire,

this is what really gets the poisonous snakes moving in and out of the glass. Poisonous snakes! Well, look, Mr. Williams, you're either an American, or you're not an American. So basically, we light it on fire. The snakes come out, and does Frank get bit? Yes. Do we have the anti-venom there?

Yes, okay? Is he a little groggy after every game? Sure he is. But what are you going to do? We've committed to this. Wait, I mean, you're pushing a quadriplegic out of a wheelchair onto broken glass. You light it on fire and there's poisonous snakes.

Uh, hello, this is America, Mr. Williams, and somebody's got to make a point. Somebody's got to have the balls, unlike Colin Packernick, to stand by and commit to whatever their statement is. Oh, my God. And then when we start jumping on them to put the flames out with our golf shoes, he... Gold, hold on, what? When we try to put the flames out with golf shoes... Wait, are you talking the golf shoes with the spikes on? on the bottom?

Uh, Della, Mr. Williams. Um, what planet are you on, sir? Well, I'm on a planet where you don't push crippled people out of a wheelchair and... I told you, Mr. Williams, Frank, is totally on board with this, okay? Well, what does he say? What do you mean? What does he say? Well, I mean, does he...

What does he verbalize? Uh, he's a mute, Mr. Williams. He lost his speech when he was four years old to polio, thank you. Wait a minute, so this guy can't even talk? Most people who get polio at four years old can't talk, Mr. Williams. So how do you know it's okay to push him out of the wheelchair?

Because he hasn't said we can't. You just said he's a mute, Mr. Finius Freeman. Well, you know what? If you're going to, it sounds like maybe you might be in the Colin Campernick camp because, you know what, if you can't commit to... This has nothing to do with me to committing, and I don't care what Colin Kaepernick. I'm more concerned about what you're doing to this innocent person.

Frank is a friend of ours. We've already done this at several games, and sometimes, yes, Mr. Williams, we do have safety precautions. Sometimes when we can't put the flames out with our golf shoes by stomping all over, Frank. Delo, we urinate. What? I think everyone knows.

I don't know if you studied physics, Mr. Williams, but when you put liquid on flames, they tend to go out. Are you telling me you piss all over a quadriplegic, rolling in broken glass with poisonous snakes, while you're stomping on them with golf shoes? Well, we don't want the guy to burn to death, Mr. Williams. I mean, what planet are you on, sir? Would you quit asking me what planet I'm on?

I'm starting to wonder what galaxy you're from. So, Mr. Williams, let me get this straight, because it seems to me you might be unpatriotic, that you might not be able to commit to a cause. What do you mean? Well, Colin Kaepernick can't commit to a cause. Is he standing? Is he sitting? Oh, is he going halfway on one knee?

Well, I'd rather see a guy go down on one knee than be burned on broken glass with poison snakes being pissed on and getting stomped with golf shoes. Mr. Williams, you know, you make it sound like he's not on board with this. Frank is a close friend to the group. How many of you are there, sir? There's 76 of us. 76 people stomping on a guy with no legs. Look, he can't scream. has no voice i told you he hasn't spoken since he was four years old and got polio every time we

pull him up out of the hole what hole well mr williams if sometimes if you can't get the flames out you have to dig a hole and throw someone into it to you know smother the flames what you're throwing this guy into a hole yeah that's right and then we um you know we we we throw you throw what sir gonna take a harsh tone with me mister what do you throw on the on the the the quadriplegic in the hole mr williams you know i don't really like the way you're talking down to me no i want we want to know okay fine one of us has a connection at the center for disease control in atlanta georgia okay and somehow sometimes when you work somewhere you get bone you get benefits what is that mean? Well, let's just say someone was able to get petri dishes with certain viruses.

What? You know, Ebola, Zika, SARS, AIDS, you name it. I mean, they've got all of them over there. And what do you do with these petri dishes? Oh, come on, Mr. Williams. I find it hard to believe that you don't know where this is going. Are you telling me you throw active viruses. on a quadriplegic in a hole who's smoldering from being lit on fire, bleeding from glass, he has puncture holes in his skin. And don't forget the urine. Oh, my God. And you throw live viruses on this guy in a hole?

Mr. Williams, you should be happy that Frank commits. Unlike you, you sound like you've got about as much commitment as you as, you know, one of Johnny Carson's 17 wives. Okay, you know what, sir? I find you repugnant, repulsive, and I think you are way off message. I think you're missing the point with Colin Kaepernick. Oh, look at you, all of a sudden,

all high and mighty, Mr. Williams. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? There's a game next week between the Los Angeles Rams and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Come down to the stadium, put your golf shoes on, and save up your urine, because I want to see you piss on our friend Frank. You, sir, are... Goodbye, asshole.

Wait, what the hell? Wait, I'm the asshole? What the up, Roger? Who the hell was it, Phineas Freeman? Is he gone? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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Hello. Hello. This is Howard out here in Minnesota. Just your average traveling auto mechanic kind of a guy. Anyway, I love your podcast, and your garden-hold story is excellent. I want to listen to it every day. I can hardly wait to hear the whole thing. Thanks, buddy. Bye. Howard out there in Minnesota.

I just love the ending to that call. I love it when I got someone you don't even know just says, thanks, buddy. And Howard's was so sincere. Howard, I just want you to know you put a big smile on my face. Listen to how nice it is and friendly and just that Minnesota friendliness and listen to this. Thanks, buddy. See, isn't that nice?

Me and Howard have never met. We've never talked, but just, you know, buddies. It's like suddenly you're a buddy with someone and it's a good feeling. And Howard, thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so glad you like the podcast. It sounds like you're traveling, so I bet you listen to it in your vehicle. cull a lot of the time and i'm i'm really glad you like the garden hose uh time machine short story that i wrote um i had a lot of fun doing that and like i said to you guys if you

want to hear any more of that uh give me your feedback and let me know because uh like i said i don't i don't want to do it if it's not something you guys don't like but if you like it and i hear from enough people uh hey who knows i'll i'll crank out another story worry for you guys. 323-739-4330 if you want to leave a message. And Howard, thanks again for such a positive and friendly phone call. Thanks, buddy.

Hey, Arland. It's your old buddy, Paul, from beautiful Ellen City, Pennsylvania. Thanks, buddy. My girlfriend, I got to see it the Improvich. You're incredible, as always. And I just wanted to call. So it was up, brother. Show has been great. You're incredible. And I love you, man.

Thanks, buddy. I just want to sing you, a quick little bitty. Holland, you'll save every one of us. Holland, save it to all of us. Love your brother. Peace and love. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Bals.

Balls has been listening to the podcast almost since the very beginning. What a true fan. What a great guy. He came out with his little lady. I was in Pittsburgh recently at the Improv. out there and Balls came out and just a wonderful guy and we took some pictures and I just want to say thank you, Balls, for being such a dedicated fan of my stand-up and the podcast. It means a lot to me and thank you for your kind words and being a great guy.

And thank you for that song. I mean, Harland, he'll save every one of us. I feel like I'm about to become a superhero. Maybe I should be one of the Avengers. Let's see, we got Iron Man, we got Spider-Man, we got Thor, we've got Captain America, we've got the Incredible Hulk, the Black Widow, the Avenger, and Harland! He'll save every one of us!

Holland! He'll save every one of us. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, but that's my hook, right? So Iron Man is made out of Iron, and Spider-Man shoots webs, out of his ass Hulk turns into angry Shrek

Black Widow can I don't know what she does eats flies The Vend the green arrow guy shoots arrows Thor is the god of thunder So my hook is I can save you

You know But you have to say thanks buddy After I save you That's my hook That's my thing If I'm gonna be the Avengers I'm the thanks buddy guy so it's like if you're in trouble let's say you're laying on the train track

and you're screaming and the train's coming you can hear it chugging down the track and you can hear me flying through the air in the distance singing my song and i swoop down with my harland cape on and my bright red leotards and my yellow boots and i swoop you off the train tracks and I lay you down safely on a nice soft grassy field and you have to look at me and say thanks buddy and I say you're welcome buddy and then I fly off to save somebody else oh yes thank you thank you balls for making me into a superhero what a treat the harland highway crazy news story that's weird wow that's strange stuff All right, here it is.

Crazy news story, Nerdle Glarkins and Blendingel Glarkins. Oh, this one hurts. This one hurts. Listen to this. Woman denied $43 million slot machine win. Offered steak dinner instead. Hello.

Whoops a daisy. Ouch. Check out this story. An unemployed. mother of four thought she had hit a nearly $43 million jackpot on a slot machine changing her life forever wrong then she learned the crushing news there would be no millions because the machine was malfunctioning the casino offered her a steak dinner instead now let's see here $43 million or $20 steak dinner

Oh god can I have a moment to decide What cut a steak is it? What's the cut? Is it T-bone? Is it sirloin? Is it New York? Because it you know that makes a difference to me if it's if it's a cut I like I'll take the steak dinner and you can keep the 43 mil Oh my god are you kidding the ultimate this is like the biggest cock teas in the world world. Katrina Bookman of Queens, New York was playing the slots at the Resorts World Casino near LaGuardia Airport.

Well, right away. Does it sound like the Resorts World Casino near LaGuardia Airport even has $43 million? I'm surprised their slots pay out more than like a thousand. That was, that, that just doesn't sound like a, wealthy near the LaGuardia air whenever you're near the airport anything it ain't good steak dinners strip clubs you name it anything near the airport is always iffy isn't it so the machine she was using told her printing cash ticket for $42 million customers and casino personnel surrounded her as she celebrated her massive win.

She was escorted from the casino floor and told to come back the next day. Bookman, who grew up in foster care, was already making plans for the money, including a barber shop for her son. What did I win? Bookman asked when she returned to the casino. You didn't win nothing.

she says she was told and boy they sure speak good out by the airport too don't they what did I win and I'm this is in quotes you didn't win nothing too bad someone didn't learn some English classes or win some

English classes oh this is just sad you didn't win nothing the New York State Gaming Commission told Bookman she was not entitled to any winnings because the machine, which is only supposed to pay out a maximum win of $6,500,

was malfunctioning. Now, didn't I say that at the beginning? Now, that sounds like an airport casino. When you walk in there and your big win is less than $7,000, that's an airport casino. All the machines are labeled with a disclaimer reading, malfunction voids all pays and plays. According to the Gaming Commission, her actual winnings were just $2.25.

How do you go from $43 million to $2.25, less than $5? Oh, God. I mean, I'm surprised this woman is ensuing for trauma. This woman probably has grounds for a lawsuit. I mean, can you imagine her jumping around and screaming and crying and telling her family? I mean, if I've ever seen a case of emotional torment, someone get me Johnny Cochran. I ain't going to go for this. I ain't winning nothing stuff.

No way, man. The state commission said the machine was removed for repairs after the incident and then return to the casino floor. Well, did anyone think to remove this poor lady, this poor wonderful lady? Miss Bookman for repairs? Who's going to pay for her? Her shrink. Bookman said the casino offered her a steak dinner, which she refused. Because again, who wants to eat a steak out by the airport?

I told you, it's no good out there. so bookman this is a quote bookman says you offer me a steak dinner i feel like they did me real dirty bookman said according to the new york daily news oh that's funny i can just hear you what you offer me a steak dinner i feel like they did me real dirty you can just hear that one right i feel like they did me real dirty. That sounds like almost like a sex crime right there. And the story

goes on upon being notified of the situation, casino personnel were able to determine that the figure displayed on the penny slot. Now what? She was playing a penny slot machine? Well now that 225 doesn't feel so bad.

She won 225 pennies. That's huge. Out by the airport. The casino personnel were to determine that the figure displayed on the penny slot was the result of an obvious malfunction, a fact later confirmed by the New York State Gaming Commission. A statement from the resorts casino said, according to a report from Huffington Post,

machine malfunctions are rare, and we would like to extend our apologies to Ms. Bookman for any inconveniences may have caused. And how did they apologize? Yes, Ms. Bookman, we are so sorry. We are so terribly regretful of this obvious malfunction, this obvious mix-up, this horrible confusion. We understand you told your family and your friends and inside, in your own heart, your mind, you had $43 million. Can we please make this up to you? Can we please take you upstairs to our all-you-can-you-can-all-you-you-can-all-you-you-can-all-you-you-e six dollar buffet and let you have a steak or perhaps a nice meatloaf would you like a meatloaf or how about an extra large slice of lasagna or a cabbage roll could we get you a cabbage roll or how about we cut the asshole off a cow and barbecue you a cow asshole because I'm

sure that's how you feel like a giant asshole I mean good Lord I mean, and here we go. Here we go. As I called it earlier, Ms. Bookman contacted an attorney who said she should at least be entitled to the machine's maximum pay of $6,500. The machine takes your money when you lose.

It ought to pay when you win, the lawyer said. What kind of lawyer is? is this going for the bare minimum. Not only should she get what the machine pays the $6,500, what about all that mental anguish I talked about? I have a feeling you could at least squeeze this casino for a million dollars.

I would probably sue for about $10 million and hope to get a million. I won't be surprised if they paid it out because it's bad publicity for them. it doesn't look good and I'm not joking that that really is like kind of mental anguish but I guess to their credit

they did put the disclaimer on there but my God what a horrible 24 hours she had she went from buying a yacht a private airplane a summer home in the Caribbean a Bentley a Rolls Royce and a Lamborghini, to a T-Bone steak with mashed potatoes and green beans, at the $6 all-you-can-eat-eufthé, at the dirty casino out by the airport.

Oh, that, that don't play me dirty. Oh, yeah, you've been played dirty, all right, baby. Hey, put your napkin around your neck, grab your knife and fork. and enjoy your $4 steak, baby. Kaching! Thanks, buddy. Oh, you hate to leave the show right there on such a down note, but it's kind of funny, right?

You got to kind of laugh. It's so redonculous. Redunk-y-less. So hopefully she's somewhere chewing a delicious steak. What can I say? Let's get to some announcements here, y'all. Don't forget this weekend, November 11 and 12, yours truly will be at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, great club, two nights only Friday and Saturday, November 11 and 12, two shows per night. Tickets at Harland Williams.com. And then the following weekend, November 17 to 20, yours truly will be down in San Diego, baby, at the American Comedy Co.

another amazing club. I only pick amazing clubs for my tours. I don't like playing the dusty old dirty rooms from the 80s. All awesome comedy clubs. And then Thanksgiving weekend. Oh, my God. This is what you do. After you've had your turkey on Thursday,

you've got your whole family and you're like, what the hell do we do with the whole family? Well, guess what? Yours truly is in Irvine, California, at the Spectrum in Orange County at the improv. I'm going to be there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, November 25 through 27, and let me entertain you, man. Come on out and have a freaking laugh, bro.

And then I only have two dates in December, Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio. And that will be at hilarities. That's December 1st through the 3rd. And then the last gig I have is in Oxnard, California, which is just north of Los Angeles. A beautiful new club called Levity Live, and that's December 8 through 11. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

So check those dates out, harlomwelliams.com. You can order your tickets right online. Just click on the stand-up comedy link. If you want to write to me, there is a contact link there. if you want to leave me a message of any sort. Also, if you want to phone me, 323739, 43330, I'd love to hear from you. That's right, I'm talking to you. For those of you that have never phoned before, it's painless, it's free.

You don't talk to anyone. It's just an answering service so you can say whatever you want, good, bad, ugly, great. But I would love to hear from you. I'm talking to you. I know there's a lot of you that have never picked up the phone and called. Say something stupid. Get drunk. Get stoned.

Be in whispering in church. I like to hear from my listeners. I don't know what other podcasts do, but I like to hear from you guys and gals. Especially the gals. A lot of girls don't phone into the show. We need more girls phoning in. Even if it's just to say hi.

Even if it's to tell me you bought new shoes or you found the cure for cancer or you went hiking or talk to me. It's so lowly in here inside this microphone. When you talk to me, please. No, but I do like to, I just like to hear your voices. I like to know who's listening. I like to hear what you think.

It's fun. It's fun for me. It's exciting to hear from you. So if you've never called, give us a call, man. Have a little fun. Be interactive with this podcast. podcast. Don't just listen to it and go to Arby's. Interact with it. You know?

It's like when you open your computer, you just don't stare at the screen. You touch the buttons and you interact. Interact with this podcast, the Harland Highway. Don't be so bashful. I don't bite. Maybe I'll take you for a $3 steak by the airport if you're lucky. also don't forget to get our app our free app another free thing a free app go to your app store type in the harland highway and just hit download and it's yours you get the the most 50 current episodes for free that's a lot 50 episodes and then if you want to become a premium member for

$20 a year, you get over 800 episodes. You get from day one all the way up to where we are now. Plus special live stand-up comedy recordings, special interviews with characters from the show. Oh, my God. My other podcast, let's have a fight. When I read my short stories, you get to hear them first before everyone else. $20 a year.

It's like going to McDonald's twice. And, of course, I put the money towards, you know, all the stuff I do here at the podcast. So it's appreciated. And I feel like you're getting in return something really good, if I may be so bald. But if you would call me and tell me what you think, you could disagree, or maybe you agree, I don't know. So that's it. Thank you all for being here. Don't forget our Thanksgiving show is coming up very soon.

We always do the Thanksgiving Day parade with John and John, John Water, Walter, John Waters, and John starters. And they will be doing the color commentary from up in the booth on the Harlan Highway, a yearly treat. and so on and so on. So thanks for being here, gang. Tell your friends to get on the damn Harland Highway 2. We want everyone to have some fun. And that's it. Until next time, chicken.

Chowman, baby. Thanks, buddy. Thank you.