The Harland Highway - 819 - GEORGE MICHAEL on election. Good deeds and laughing creepy's!

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

George Michael calls to discuss election. Crazy tickle news story. Harland pushes a truck! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoa, what a podcast we have today. Maybe the first of its kind since the Harland Highway podcast started. Hi, I'm Harlan Williams, your host of the Harland Highway podcast. Wait to you hear about the reversal of fortunes of this podcast. I've done something that I've never done before on the Harlan Highway. You're going to hear about it. Also, apparently George Michael from Wham is calling in. Apparently, he's very upset about the election results.

So he's calling in to, I guess, air out his frustrations or whatever. Who knows? Also, I'm going to tell you about a good deed that I did that made me feel very strong and masculine and macho. And it was a lot of fun. And it was kind of an unexpected good deed. But it turned into a, you know, turned into something cool for me, personally. It was a personal win. Also a crazy news story

We all like to laugh, right? We all like to get tickled Remember when you were a little kid And you get you get tickled When you're laughing giggle And have so much fun Well wait to you hear There's another creature on planet Earth

That likes to get tickled Wait do you hear this nutty story man It might make you never want to laugh again It's downright creepy But then it always is right Because this is the Harland Highway This is the Harland Highway this is the Harland Highway

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Wool? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's shall be. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Harland. Congratulations on your big political win. I just deleted your podcast from my phone. I'm out. Oucha. Ouch! I think I felt the delete.

It's like every time my podcast gets deleted, it's like an acupuncture needle going in. Ouch! Well, I'm sorry you left. Although I have a feeling you're still listening. I just have a sneaky feeling. I'm sorry that you left. And you know what? It's funny because I got a call from you.

who just out and out deleted. I got another call from someone who said they supported and agreed with every word I said. I had another gentleman who left a very gracious voicemail. He was a Hillary person, but he understood my point of view and agreed with parts of it, but disagreed with the rest of it. But was very gracious, was very humble, and very well-spoken, and so for the first time in my podcast history,

I deleted the podcast. So I usually just roll. I'm not a guy that does a lot of second takes. 99.5% of everything you've ever heard on my podcast is just stream of thought, including the characters. I rarely script anything. I rarely write, I never write anything down. It all just comes flowing out of me.

So there's no script to this podcast, even if sometimes I get lucky and it sounds like it's scripted. It 99.8% has never been scripted or written down or anything. And so I thought after getting these voicemails from people that, you know what, I'll do my final election analysis. I'll do my final election podcast. And I started doing it. And it was almost an hour into it, and I wasn't even half finished what I was saying. And I realized I was kind of going on and on, and I realized there's people that probably don't want to hear this. There's people that are probably over the election.

And I realize that's not what my podcast is about. I like sharing my opinions, but I don't want to, I don't, my podcast is not a platform for going on and debating listeners. and, you know, it's for fun, and it's for your entertainment, and so I just deleted it. And I'm going to shorten two hours' worth of ramble into one. I'm going to say, hey, whoever you are, I respect your decision. I respect who you voted for. I respect you.

If you didn't vote for the same person I voted for, I still like you, I still love you, I still care about you. And at the end of the day, we're all in this. freaky fish bowl together we all got to swim around we all got to keep the water clean we all got to eat we all got to drive we all got to do everything and there's going to be tough days and there's going to be good days and there's going to be days of disagreement and there's going to be days of harmony but we're all on the same freaking soccer team at the end of the day and I just didn't want to go on and on about it you know even though what I felt that

was saying might have been like you know cool to hear that's not what it's about here so maybe next election in four years i'll dip into it again and as i said i might dip into you know analyzing president trump you know a year down or two years down the road just to kind of check in and see how he's done but outside of that i deleted my first harland highway podcast because i just didn't want to overwhelm not only you guys but myself and i didn't want to go around a corner where my podcast became something other than what i intended it to be which is fun and silly and to be honest help you forget about all the madness in the world even though all this stuff is important and i and i respect everyone's opinion i kind of like it that i'm the guy that gives you a break

from all that and let you just laugh and think silly thoughts and hear a koala saying or or George Michael call in or whatever. So it was hard to delete it because I felt like I said a lot of good things, but I did. And so to all of you that hate my political opinions or love them or fall somewhere in between, I'll say it again, I love all of you equally, and you're entitled to your points of view and your decisions, and I respect them even if I disagree with them. So there you go. And now, let's get back to some fun.

Why don't I tell some... What? Sorry to interrupt. Hey, Harlan. Yeah. George Michael, that guy from Wham, is... No. He says he needs to talk to you.

No, right. Just because I mention his name doesn't give him the right to call in. No, no, no. Oh, God. It's George Michael. Good Lord. No, no. Oh, why did I mention his name?

God. Hello, Holland. Oh, God, no. Hello, it's George Michael calling from a vampire. Oh, God, are you drinking again, George? It's George Michael. You said, I'm an eviction. You better bet your ass I've been drinking after what happened in the United America.

What? What happened in the United States of America? That's what I'm saying, Dimbaldaw. I watch your election, Ireland, and it looks like Donald Zachary Trump. Stop slurring. God, how much have you been drinking? And Donald Zachary Trump. His name's not Zachary.

It's Donald John Trump. Well, maybe in the United States of America, is Donald J. Trump. But over in the United Kingdom all, and it's Donald Zachary Trump. Oh, my God. What are you drinking, anyhow? Your mother's ass cheek.

All right, watch it. Why are you calling? Because I'm not happy that Donald Zachary Trump and the president of the island. Oh, and what are you going to do about it, George? It's George Markle, you son of a bitch. I'm going to buy a toy train set, and I'm going to wrap it in bacon and drive it right out of your fucking walrus hole. I don't have a walrus hole.

I bet you do. Why don't you come to me, Jim, and stand in the steam bath? Stop it. I'm not going to stand in your steam bath at your gym and show you my walrus hole. See, I told you, you just said it. I don't have a walrus hall. Now, what do you want? Well, I'm not happy about Donald Zachary Chubbh Island.

It's not Zachary. It's John. I was in a John once in Beverly Hills, Holland. All right, we know about your adventure. Inchers in Beverly Hills. Well, I'm not going to stand for this election results, Ireland. Yes? So?

So what? So I bought a dildo. What do you mean you bought a dildo? I went online, Ireland, and I bought a Donald Trump dildo. What does that even mean? Well, you know how on the end of my... dildos. It looks like a mushroom cap. Oh my god. Well, doesn't it look like a mushroom cap with a cyclops eye on it, Holland? A mushroom cap with a cyclops eye. Well, that's what it looks like.

Good Lord. What is wrong with you? Well, you can live in denial. You can pull down your pants and look at a cyclops-eyed mushroom cap. I'm not going to look at a cyclops-eyed mushroom cap. I'm not going to look at it. at my cyclops-eyed mushroom. What do you want? I told you I bought a Donald Trump Dildo. Okay, so? Well, every time I push it in the old... Oh, no, you don't. Every time I push it in the old Hillary hole.

The what? The Hillary hole, I call it, Arlen. Oh, God. Do we really need to know this? And I've got, I've got my Donald Trump Hillary, my Donald, like a... What are you saying, you drunk nut? I've got my Donald Trump dildo in my Hillary hall. Oh, my God.

And every time I push it in a little, you let me give it a little shovel, and listen to it, it's got the head of Donald Trump with a mushroom cap should be. Are you telling me, someone manufactured a dildo with Donald Trump's head on it instead of the regular penis head? Well, they look kind of the same, don't they, Arland? Stop it. That's our president you're disrespecting. Well, he's writing a Hillary. Let me give it a little push.

Ready? No! Here, listen, Arlen. I will be the greatest president that God ever created. Oh, my God. Did you hear that, Arland? What the hell was that? Every time I press, I push the dildo up a little further, it talks. Are you kidding me?

It's kind of like that movie. It's a wonderful life. Every time an angel, a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What are you saying? Every time I push the Donald John Dildo up. a little deeper, it talks. Hang on. I will be the greatest president that God ever created. Oh my god, did you hear that? Oh my god. You are disgusting. I can't believe it.

Hold on, here's another one. Let listen. I will build a great, great ball. Oh, oh, oh. Oh God, that one. No, and it hurts getting deep, Holland. It's like, have you ever seen a train go into a mountainside tunnel? All right, we got to go. Wait, let me push it in just another inch.

I love China. I just sold their apartment for $15 million. Oh, God. It hurts, Ireland. It really hurts. You are being disrespectful. I can't believe you would phone. here with a Donald Trump.

Dildo in my Hillary hole, Arland. Hang on. All right. All right, we're hanging up. You're disgusting. Arlen, wait, I got one more. No, goodbye, you freak of nature.

Oh, wow. Oh, it burns. Ah, it burns. Hang up, Roger. Oh, God. That might have been the most disgusting phone call we've ever had. Holy shit. A Donald Trump Dildo.

Oh, God. Maybe I should have done. Is he gone? Thank God, what a nutbag. Maybe I should have done my whole political rant. This is, I feel ill. God! The Harland Highway.

Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay, I had to get out of that segment with George Michael as quickly as possible. Because I don't think anyone's laughing. I think we all feel sick. Ugh. What a dill weed.

So let's go to a crazy news story. Hopefully there's some laughs in here. In fact, I can guarantee there's some laughs in here. Listen to this headline from the ever-probing science community. Here's the headline, Rats. I did a segment about rats the other week. There was one in my house. Here's the headline Rats love being tickled.

In fact, they laugh. and jump for joy. Well, had I known, I wouldn't have put rat poison down in my house. I would have just waited to the lovable little furry black plague-carrying buddies came out from behind the cracks in my house and rolled them over and tickled the little jinx-ends. Are you kidding me? Here's the story. The New York Times explains.

Happens to be the scientific term for jumping for joy. I didn't know that. Fruden sprungen. That sounds like something you'd order at Octoberfest at a snack bar. Yeah, could I have another order of Frugenspun, please, with extra apple sauce? Yeah, and give me 12 beers to wash it down because it tastes like rat feces. It's the term for jumping for joy, and a new study reveals that rats are among the animals. animals that partake in frugal spunkin, or whatever the hell it is.

The study, in fact, also shows that rats love to be tickled and that they burst out in the equivalent of rat laughter during the tickling. What the hell? The laughing part was previously known, but the new study sheds light on what's going on in the brain and the research. What do you mean it was previously known? Did any of you know that rats could laugh? rats had a sense of humor? What do they have to be happy about? They live in alleyways behind

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maybe i wonder if there's a rodney ratcherfield hey all right okay how about this alley i haven't seen an alley this dirty since i went down on my wife all right okay all right good lord so here it is a neuroscientist and shouldn't neuroscientists really be working on something else by the way instead of tickling rats but here we go in the research Neuroscientists from Germany's Humboldt University tickled young male rats in various ways and outlined their findings in the science magazine. Among the revelations, a stressed out rat has no interest in being tickled, but the same rat essentially giggles when tickled under better circumstances.

Yeah, I guess when a rat stressed out comes home from a long hard day at work, the boss has been on his ass. He's got bills to pay. Yeah, honey, don't bother tickling me today. Where's my rotten cheese and that old carrot you found behind Denny's? Just give me my dinner, damn it. They say the laugh is too high-pitched for humans to hear. The reaches to say they were so excited.

They were jumping around and they chased my hand, said one of the researchers. Pretty much like human kids. giggling and chasing around. For the record, the belly seems to be the sweet spot. The point of all this? Yes, please tell us. Tickling is actually kind of a puzzle to scientists, and they're trying to unravel its mysteries.

Well, just call Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys, man. They can solve anything. Nancy Drew and the case of the ticklish rat belly. The Hardy Boys and the Giggles. rat cave. I don't know. Sounds good to me. Researchers tracked brain activity and found that certain cells fired during the actual tickling, and even while the rodents were merely chasing the tickler's hand. The latter part was a surprise, but a bigger one was that if researchers stimulated those same brain cells

with an electric current, sands tickling, the rats behaved as if they were being tickled. Maybe ticklishness is a trick of the brain To make animals or humans Play or interact in a fun way Speculates co-researcher Michael Brachsh Well, okay, man I guess, you know

Let's all get a rat Oh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Here, little ratty, come here, buddy, here, buddy. No, no, no, I do not want to touch. I just don't have any desire to tickle a rat. Okay? I don't even want to tickle a hairy human being, let alone a rat. But here's something that was kind of fun. And this is an unusual story because this was something I did not expect to be enjoyable. But I was

pulling into like a convenience store the other day, you know, like a 7-Eleven type arrangement deal. And I'm pulling in with my car and, you know, kind of in the middle of the parking lot is a big white van. And I'm like, okay, no big deal. I didn't think anything of it. I pull my car up. I park it. I get out. And I notice there's three dudes.

I guess they looked like three Mexican dudes. And they looked like they had a work van that was like kind of full of tools and stuff. It's a big white van. And I saw them. I realized that the thing had stalled out, but it stalled out in the middle of the parking lot. These three guys were in front of it, and one of them jumped in to get behind the wheel,

and the other two started pushing. And I can see that they just needed a little more help that the truck was very heavy, and it just wasn't moving. The wheel was starting to move a little, but it wasn't, they couldn't get like, you can tell they needed one more person, is where I'm going with this and so I'm standing there and I'm thinking well I'm one more person

aren't I surely I can push a a vehicle and so without even thinking I slammed my door I ran over I jumped on the front grill of this van and I'm I just didn't even say it into the guys I just started pushing I just jumped on it's like and you know pushing a vehicle is kind of a very masculine feeling, even if you're a woman. Because if someone took a snapshot of it, it's like you and your body stretched out. And it's like that, it's like if you've ever watched the old Superman cartoons. And it shows Superman in front of a train. And there's a speeding train.

And Superman's like on the track. And one legs forward and one leg's back. And he's got both his arms spread out. And he's pushing the train. With all his super might, he stops the train, he pushes it backwards or whatever he does. Whatever one does when one decides to push a speeding train. I will be... All right.

I'm doing a story. Thank you. God. That made me feel sick in my mouth. So anyways, now I'm striking the Superman pose. Here I am in the 7-Eleven parking lot. And suddenly I'm, you know, I came in for a bottle of Coke and some Pringles. And suddenly I'm a superhero pushing a vehicle.

You know? It's a very heroic pose. And these guys looked up at me. Like, they didn't know who the hell I was. And you can tell they've been working all day. They were already sweaty. Their t-shirt was covered in grass stains and paint on their foreheads. And these guys were laborers, man.

They were working. And this guy, you know, I'm like six foot two. I come walking up. I lean into it. And sure enough, man, this thing started rolling. I was the extra help that they needed. And listen, we didn't push that thing more than probably five feet. But it was the best five feet of my week.

I felt so, I mean, I just felt so good about it. to helping roll a van. You feel like you ever see those strongest man in the world competitions where these guys pull an 18-wheeler with their bare hands? Or they lift up a car with a family of people with their teeth? This was me. I'm like the 7-Eleven Avenger. When your Pringles drop, when your soda pop explodes,

Don't worry the 7-Eleven Avenger is nearby. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, this amazing stranger from the planet Krypton, the man of steel, Superman. Possessing remarkable physical strength,

Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth and justice, disguised as a mild-man-natured newspaper reporter, Quartet. Faster than an exploding coke, crunchier than a can of Pringles, more chewy than a tootsy pop. It's the 7-11

Avenger. Okay, enough. But anyway, so we pushed this guy's thing. You know, I gave the guys a fist bump. And, you know, they looked up, and you can see they're, like, really happy to see a complete stranger.

But outside of all that, it just felt good. It physically felt good. It was fun. You know, it's like here was this immovable object, this heavy. You know, no one wakes up in the morning and goes, today I'm going to push a truck, man. Now you're like, oh, today I'm going to go to the mall. Today I'm going to go to the movie.

Today I'm going to write a story. Today I'm going to, you know, go to the gym. Who wakes up going, today I'm going to move a truck with my bare hand. I mean, that's macho, bro. I should have got laid right there in the parking lot. There should have been women fainting and fawning all over me. Oh, my God. He just moved a truck.

Oh, jump them, girls. I mean, I deserve that, don't I? Don't all of us? So there you go. It's nice, you know, God gives us these muscles. We're born with all these muscles. I mean, feel your own shoulders. You know, make a bicep right now.

Feel your guns. Feel the meat on your shoulders. Feel the muscle and the mass. And what do we do? Most of us every day, we get in our cars, we drive to the store, we go to a restaurant, we write on our keyboards, we lift our briefcases, we pull a mighty can of soup out of the closet, we pour a glass of milk. What are we doing with you?

with all these muscles. We don't deserve all these muscles. What's the point of all these stupid muscles? And then, every now and then you get lucky. Every now and then your ship sails in, or I should say your white van sails in, and you get a chance to use your mighty muscles that God gave you,

and you get to push a truck with some sweaty, hard-working Americans. All right. maybe that truck should have rolled over my big mouth because I keep going on about it. But it was fun. And so I guess the point of my story is it felt better than I thought it would.

It was a real gratifying feeling. It only lasted like, you know, a minute. But I felt like I did a good deed. I felt like a superhero. I felt fulfilled. My body felt good. You know, when you come from a long workout at the gym or you play sports or you're,

Your body feels tingly and alive. Oh, I had this whole truck-moving vibe going on, man. So I don't know. Now I'm going to drive around the city and just look for it. I'm going to look for stalled vehicles and just get out and push. Excuse me, you there. It looks like you need help. Have you stalled?

Oh, my God. It's the 7-Eleven Avengers. Yes, yes. So there you go. My little good deed and my use of all my big macho muscles all came together at the 7-Eleven parking lot. God forbid you ever get stuck, but if you do, I'm telling you right now, don't worry, because I will emerge from the shadows and be there to help you push your stalled vehicle. Oh, I stubbed my toe.

Oh, God, oh, it hurts. I'm going to give me a band-aid. Oh, ow, ow, ow, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Superman. All right, enough, enough. My goodness, gracious. I will be the greatest president that I have ever created. No, no, no, stop it. We don't want to hear back from the George Michael Donald Trump Dildo.

Good Lord. I'm going to end the show. It went from Donald Trump Dildo to Superman. God. Let's see. What's going on? Let's do some announcements at least before. We go, my final word, everyone just get along.

Everyone just let's see what happens. What if you're wrong? What if we're all wrong? What if this guy who's a loose cannon turns out to do a good job? You know, you can never judge something until it has a moment. You know, George Bush, Barack Obama, they all needed a year or two to at least give us an indication if they were good or they were doing something. We're going to know, but at least we give everyone a chance.

Okay? I'll leave it there. Hopefully, good things happen for all of us. This isn't about parties or separation. It's about all of us. So let's go. Let's go America. Don, don't, don't, no, stop, stop, stop. Let's see, what can I tell you?

What do we got going on, man? San Diego tonight. I start my stand-up show at the American Comedy Company, right downtown in San Diego. I'm going to be going tonight, Thursday, November 17th, right through November 20th. So we got Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Come on out.

And then next week, oh, my God, we have Thanksgiving week. And I think we have our Thanksgiving Day parade. Oh, yes, on Monday, Monday the 21st on the Harland Highway podcast. We have our 49th annual Thanksgiving Day parade podcast with John Waters and John starters. They'll be calling the parade from their commentary booth way up in the rafter. so always a tradition here at the Harland Highway. And then November 25, 26, 27, the day after Thanksgiving, what better way to enjoy yourself with your friends and your family?

You're going to want to just lay back after doing all that eating and come and see me at the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California. The Irvine Improv, it's going to be great. We're going to have a blast. It's a beautiful way to get through your Thanksgiving. So come on down, people. Go to harloweems.com for all your ticket info. And also while you're there, check out.

I have posted some of my 2017 tour dates at harlewilms.com on the stand-up comedy tour link. I might be coming to your town or city. Check it out, man. Get ready. It's going to be a fun year. I'm going to try and shoot a new stand-up comedy special. in 2017. I'll tell you more about that in the very near future.

It is going to be like unlike anything you have ever seen. I can promise you that. Oh, yes, it is going to be unique. More details to come. Also in December, the first weekend of December, December 1 through 4, or 1 through 3, I should say, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'll be at hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio. And then my last show of the year, Oxnard, California, which is just north of Malibu. A brand new club called Levity Live. Brand new.

They just built it this year. It's supposed to be gorgeous. Come on out. What a better way to yuck it up for the holidays. Please get our app. You can get our free app at your app store. Just type in the Harlan Highway, and you will be able to do it. download our app for free.

You can become a premium member for $20 a year and get all this extra bonus stuff. Just all kinds of cool stuff. So it'll be great. It will be great. Also, if you want to call me and leave a voicemail, 323739, 43330, 323. 323739, 433. It takes about five or six rings until it gets through. It's a weird voicemail service, and then you only have about two minutes.

Sometimes people ramble on a lot longer and they get cut off, and I feel bad that they think maybe somebody's hanging up on them, but it's only a machine, and it only lasts for about two minutes, and then it just cuts you off. So make sure you don't ramble too long. It's not that I don't like to hear you, but, you know, just keep it down to two people also don't forget our store

Christmas is coming up and we have all kinds of great merchandise in our Harland Highway store at Harlanwilms.com we have t-shirts artwork music DVDs, comedy specials CDs movies books everything man and if you get your orders in before the December

let's say December 15th, you should receive your goods before Christmas. So get your orders in there, folks, and a lot of unique, fun, comedy presents that the people who receive them will enjoy and not forget. So there you go. So getting ready for the holidays. So there you go. That's it for today. Hope you had a great time.

So happy you're here. Remember, let's all be accepting. and loving of each other and each other's opinions and positions in life. Do the best you can. Don't be combative. Don't be vitriolic. Try and show the same respect to people that disagree with you that you would expect from them. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

Good words to live by, right? And we'll see you next time. That's it for today. And until next time, chicken, chalmy, baby? Your mother's ass, cheek.