The Harland Highway - 820 - THANKSGIVING EPISODE. The Parade, Senior Fuentes and more!

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

Today we have the 49th annual Thanksgiving Day parade. Senior Fuentes drops in to discuss stuffing a turkey. Turkey horror stories! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, here we go. Okay, the turkeys are excited. I'm excited. I hope you're excited. This is our Thanksgiving podcast here at the Harlan Highway. And as is the tradition here, every year we do the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade with John Walters and John starters. They will be here live giving color. commentary on all the beautiful floats, all the activities, festivities coming down the

Harlan Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, your host for the regular part of the show. Welcome. Thanks for being here. Also, we're going to be telling some Thanksgiving Day horror stories, some Thanksgiving Day cooking and family get-together stories. Also, Senor Fuentes drops by the studio. He is my gardener, as you know. He's worked for me for years. He always seems to get things a little mixed up. So let's see what happens when Signor Fuentes drops by. And, of course, we'll be playing our turkey song at the end of the show.

We play it every year just to put you in the mood. Our Thanksgiving turkey song, not my song, but one I found. And we always play it. So let's give thanks. We're all here together. This is the Harland Highway. What I am I? What is this?

Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is not. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Da-da-da-da, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

I give thanks right out of the gate for you, my listeners, the pavement pounders. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here. for listening for maybe you're here for a few months maybe you've been here since the beginning maybe you just got here and maybe this is your last show i don't know but whatever your participation level has been with the harland highway podcast uh i definitely want to uh send out much thanks to all of you uh means so much to me that you come and listen and enjoy yourself and have a good time and we share this craziness with each other.

I hope you're doing something fun. I hope you have friends and family and fun, fun people around you and you're sharing and giving. And more importantly, I hope you all, without sounding luxury, I hope y'all remember to give thanks for the good things in your life, the good things, the good people, the good moments. It's definitely a great time of year to just stop, look around you, take a breath, make an assessment, give thanks. And maybe you're in a position in your life, or maybe you might think, I don't have a lot to give thanks for.

Maybe you don't have a job, or maybe your car just died, or maybe you lost a family member, or you just broke up. Well, it's not like there's only one Thanksgiving. As you know, life changes, life goes around many interesting corners and curves. And if for some reason you're feeling a little down this Thanksgiving, remember that next Thanksgiving will be a whole different set of circumstances. And life always has a way of seeming to repair and give back and replenish. And it's like anything in life, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. But the main thing is, just be thankful that you're alive.

Be thankful that you're walking around and breathing the air and looking at the sunshine and hearing the birds sing. Even on a bad day, these are things you still can absorb and take in and be thankful for. Just ask the person laid up in a hospital room who has lost the ability to walk. Just ask the person who's suffering from an illness or a disease. Just ask the person who, you know, has much less than maybe you have in so many ways. So whatever you have, whether you're rich or poor or in the middle, just be thankful for life. Be thankful for your assets.

Look at your positives and not your negatives. And, you know, if for some reason things aren't going your way, maybe it's time to reflect and go, you know, what could I do better to make next year even more thankful and better? And dig deep, make a plan of action, go out there and get your objectives, man. So there you go. Thank you to all of you. And thank you, a little tiny extra thank you to the premium members who have been so kind and showing a little extra support, not to diminish anything from the rest of you.

I love you all equally. So thanks again. And as always, we have our Thanksgiving Day parade with John Walt Waters and John starters. They've been doing covering the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade from the beginning. They sit up in their color commentary booth out on the highway, and they report on the activity, the festivities, the floats coming by, all the color, the music, the magic, the light. These guys are great at what they do.

throw to them right now. Here we go. John Waters, John Starters, the Harland Highway, 43rd Thanksgiving Day parade. Hi, guys. Well, thank you very much, Harlan, and what a beautiful day it is here. Oh, man, wow. I'm John Waters, and I'm here at the 14th annual Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade with my co-host, John Starders. John, welcome to another sunny, beautiful day for a parade. Thank you very much, John. You're right. The sun is out.

Not a cloud in the sky. Thousands and thousands of people assembled in the street. Hopefully this year, the Thanksgiving Day parade works, because last year, unfortunately, it was not really working. Well, well, now, let's not cast a shadow. across today's parade because we've got all these wonderful floats about to come down the road here, John. And, oh, man, wow, is it going to be exciting? You can hear the anticipation of the air.

You can feel the excitement, and people are bundled up in the street on the curbside. Oh, man, wow. Well, you know, bundled up is one thing, but tied up and forced to watch floats that aren't really working is another thing, John. And I try to stay positive. I try to stay optimistic, but it seems every year the lemon juice gets out of the lemon, and this parade always ends up not really working, John. Okay, well, let's look at the very first float coming down the street on this 23rd annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. My goodness, look at the enormous of this float oh man wow well it is a monster john it is huge it's one of the biggest floats we've

ever seen and this one comes to us from a local place a local uh bakery uh mrs mulligan's nut log cakes and i am seeing one giant nut log this thing's longer it's about the length of half a football field for christ's sake wow man john it is it is a norman It's just a giant around a peanut-covered log. Just huge. It looks delicious. You can almost smell those peanuts baking in the sun, John. Well, not really something I would choose to laugh at, John.

Let's take a consensus here for a minute. It's a well-known statistical fact that 14% of the country suffers from peanut allergies. And so you've got these giant nut fumes wafting over the crowd. Some of them were not prepared for peanut fest. They were not expecting a wave of peanut fumes to infiltrate their lungs and wash over their peanut-sensitive bodies. And I'm fearing the worst here, John. And oh, look, there we go.

There's three people right there. We've found an allergy family. There's a mother, and it looks like her two children, spasming on the curb. They're twitching uncontrollably. Oh, my God, they're severely reacting to the peanut stink. Wow. Oh, man. You know, maybe that was an oversight that the people at Mrs. Mulligan's Nutlog Cake Factory didn't prepare for, John.

And my God, their bodies are twitching around like leprechauns, having an epileptic. party in a bouncy fun house, John. Oh, man, wow. And now look at this. They've got children and people that are part of the float running off of the float. They're dressed up as miniature peanut nut log cakes. Mrs. Mulligan's minions, I would call them. They're running to the assistance of the twitching family. They're trying to help, and it looks like one of them's trying to apply CPR. one of the nut log dressers is bent down and has his mouth sealed on the on the person's oh my god now they're twitching even worse and the nut log oh my god the nut log person is laying on top of the person having the allergic fit he's trying to hold him down to the ground and it looks like

a nut log riding around on a bucking bronco at a allergy infested rodeo of death john oh Man, this is not turning out well. And now if you look a little further down the road right under our booth from way up here, you can see more people falling into the street. There goes an old lady. She just fell and got crushed under a fire truck. Her legs are still twitching even though her body has clearly been severed right in half. Oh, man, those legs are kicking in the air like a soccer player at a Cuban bagpipe festival.

John. Okay, well, I'm not sure what that means, John, but wow. Oh my God, look at the reaction to the Mrs. Mulligan's nut log. People are choking. People's eyes are welling up. There's a young boy down by the fire hydrant. There's blood coming out of his eyes, foam coming out of his mouth. It looks like Kujo just had sex with a foam pillow from Kmart. I mean, this is just not really. working John well oh man we John we not really working I got you there John I think we better break away to a commercial let them clean this up a little bit of misfortune here early on in the parade as if I didn't see it coming someone get the lemon knife cut open the lemon because here comes the lemon juice John okay John let's cut away

and when we come back we'll check in on our next float here at the 97th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade. Not really working almost immediately, John. Oh, man, wow. Oh, whoops, okay, okay. A little bit of a hitch there at the beginning of the 32nd annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade, but I'm sure they'll get that cleaned up, a little bit of an oversight maybe with the allergy symptoms,

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The food went wrong, the gathering went wrong. Here's a couple of Thanksgiving horror stories I thought I'd share with you that people have written in about. And let's just hope they don't happen to any of you this year because I think we've all had our share of horrible. Thanksgivings. So here's one out of New York. The letter goes as follows. I drove my mother to our friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner and nabbed a parking space right in front of their house. Mom handed to me the pan with the turkey gravy and stuffing which I placed atop our Volkswagen

Beetle while I helped her out. But when I slammed her door, the vibration caused the pan to slide along the roof, gathering speed down the slope of the back of the window and over the curved back Fender to fly off the car onto the snow. While my mom looked on aghast, I quickly replaced the turkey and stuffing from the snow into the pan brushing off odd bits of gravel. I took mom's arm and we turned to walk into the house only to see the front window packed with the horrified faces of our friends who apparently had watched the whole incident. Well, gee, do you think they might have caught on when they were chewing their mashed

potatoes and rocks? I mean, who the hell eats gravel outside of pigeons? You know, sometimes you just got to let stuff go, man. Okay? You can't really mask nothing in a Thanksgiving dinner is of a hard consistency. The turkey meat is soft, the cranberry is soft, the stuffing is soft, the mashed potatoes are soft, the sweet potatoes are soft, the pumpkin pie. If you feel anything hard and crunch,

that feels like a small rock. Yeah, it's going to stick out. Hello, dumbass. Here's another nightmare Thanksgiving story out of Portland, Oregon. For Thanksgiving, I got a call in the morning from my bank that someone had used my credit card for $5,000 worth of car parts in California. I live in Oregon. We worked through the process to stop the charge,

calmed down and finished our dinner for our 15 guests. During dinner, I noticed that my husband was amazingly crabby and kept giving me the stink eye. I thought he was objecting to the huge crowd in our little house. As it turns out, our sewer line had failed and he was mopping up sewage in our laundry room while the rest of us were laughing and enjoying our dinner. $10,000 later, the sewer is fixed,

and we are looking forward to a crowd again this year. Good Lord. That was a bad one, man. And you know how much people eat at Thanksgiving. I can only imagine the sewage coming up in your bathroom. Yikes, that's gross. Let's do one more before we throw it back to the Thanksgiving Day parade with John and John. Here's a nightmare Thanksgiving story out of Texas.

For many years, my mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner for a ton of us. it all preferring it that way. One year I smelled something burning. I went into the kitchen and told my mom it smelled like something was burning. She responded that it was potato on the bottom of the oven from an exploded potato. That's all. The odor got worse and she opened a window to freshen the air. Finally, she realized that the burning smell was not coming from a potato in the oven,

but from turnip cubes on the back burner in a pressure cooker. She had forgotten about them. She ran the smoking turnip cubes outside to the back porch Rather than throw them in the kitchen trash Where they would continue to stink up the kitchen Well, she was busy setting the table with the food dishes I ran outside and took the burned turnip cubes And put them in a bowl, covered them with foil,

Put them on the Thanksgiving dinner table As we were passing dishes to one another I passed my mom the bowl with the charred turnip cubes She was very surprised and we all cried laughing at her expression We continue to laugh each year about this episode that happened over 20 years ago. My mom is a very good sport. She doesn't cook anymore.

She's 84. Well, that's kind of funny, although one question, what in the name of sweet Thanksgiving Christ is a turnip cube? Has anyone ever heard of this before? Good Lord. I won't eat a turnip cube,

even if it was cooked properly. I'd rather eat a roll. Rubik's cube. First of all, who the hell likes turnips? And who the hell wants a turnip cube? That's what I want, something square with pointy edges in my mouth. Blackened and burnt and, oh, God. Yeah, you got any more of those Brussels sprout triangles over there? Who's for some delicious Thanksgiving Octagon squash? We've got all kinds of shapes here today. Who wants a

rectangle piece of yam pie? Right. All right. So I hope your dinners, maybe I'll read a few more of those later on in the show. They're kind of fun. I hope your dinners are going well

because I know it can be stressful. It can be hard to cook that Thanksgiving dinner and to get it all right and the timing and to get everything warm and on the table and get everyone. organized. I mean, man, you might as well be the CEO of a corporation. You might as well be running IBM or Delta Airlines. When you're hosting the Thanksgiving event, there are so many moving pieces and multitasking. You might as well be a top paid CEO. We should, everyone hosting a Thanksgiving

dinner should probably get a severance package at the end. You know, $23, $43 million just for organizing. and making everything work. Uh-huh. You know it. All right, let's get back without further delay to the 27th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade

with our commentators, our color analysts, John Waters and John starters. How's it going out there, guys? And I'm telling you, John, it's not really working. Guys? Oh, oh, oh, hey, wow, oh, man, there he is. Hello, Harland, we are.

here, John Waters and John starters. Hello, Ireland. Hello, hello, everybody listening and what a day we have. We've cleaned up the mess from the Miss Mulligan's nutlogue float. They have moved on. They put, it looks like termite tarpaulins

over the float, and I actually wheeled it right off the road. It is gone. There still are some people twitching in the thongs. of crowds on the street side. But the next float is rolling into view and isn't this wonderful?

This float comes to us. It looks like a giant bad and it comes to us from the Narcolepsy Society of America. Oh, man, John. Well, really, John. Let's break this down here technically, logistically. All these floats are beautiful. They're wonderful.

They're colorful. They're large. They're awe-inspiring. but if you peel away the exoskeleton of these beautiful large floats, what lies underneath is a chassis. What lies underneath is a motor and four wheels and something that is propelling these giant floats down the middle of the road. In essence, they are sitting on the back of flatbed trucks

or they are cradled on top of some kind of automotive device and I really don't think car keys or truck keys should be put in the hands of someone suffering from narcolepsy. Well, now, John, let's not get too skeptical here. I mean, it is an important disease. It is something that affects people. People falling asleep randomly. They could be in the middle of a football game. They can be playing cards and they just go out like a dirty blacklighted, a 1960s hippie,

Velvet Poster Convention. Well, John, now you've got to be fair. Everyone has a chance to demonstrate, put a float up in this parade, and the Narcolepsy Society is no different, and it looks like they have this beautiful plush bed. There is a bunch of, I guess they call them, narcos sitting on top.

Well, I wouldn't say sitting. If you look, four of them just passed out, and a few of them fell on top of each other. It looks like some kind of Motel 6, deranged, sex orgy. Well, now, John, I think what the point... No, the point is it's not really working. Now, I want to know if the guy driving that rig suffers from narcolepsy because... Well, I think... Hold on, John. It looks like the giant bed is wobbling a bit in the middle of the road. Here we go. Someone get the

lemon meringue pie. Now, it looks like it's veering off its main course. Oh, my God. It's heading right into the crowd. Obviously, the person driving the narcolepsy float has fallen asleep at the wheel, just as I predicted. Oh, man, wow. Oh, it's rolled right into the crowd. It looks like it's crushing people and families. You can hear the screaming. You can hear, it just keeps going. It's smashed into the front of a pet shop, and a bunch of puppies have spilled out into the street. Oh, my God, it just ran over probably a dozen or so puppies and maybe a job. gerbil and a small lizard. Oh, man. Wow. This is not really working. You can see the writing on the wall. These slumbering moron should not be allowed in a parade. What's next? Hand the car keys to a Mack truck

to someone from the Blind Foundation. Sweet heaven and Christ, if I was a butter churner, I'd jerk myself into a margarine tornado. Okay, John, I'm not sure what, what, what, what That meant, wow, but what it means is it's not really lurking, John. Okay, wow, and they're still clear. The bodies are being crushed. They're still being run over. Someone's asleep at the wheel. I think I'm going to puke, John.

Okay, let's go back to Harlan at Main Control, and we'll be back here with more of the 12th annual Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade. Oh, my God, that old woman's skull just popped like a Mongolian mongoose fart. Oh, my, oh, my God, not really working. Oh, my God, geez. Wow. You know, listen, I don't want to cast dispersions on this beautiful parade, but I got to maybe agree with John starters there that might not have been the best idea

to give the narcolepsy folks their own giant float on wheels. it sounds like it became quite a liability it sounds like there's some injuries and uh i'm i'm oh god let's hope they clean that up and we can get back for more of that parade good night nellie frittato um what what no no oh no come on what is he roger what are you doing here signor My name is Senor Fuentes. I know what your name is. You're my gardener. You've been working for me for years.

Senor Fuentes. I know. What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of my Thanksgiving Day podcast. See, senor. Well, that is why I'm here specifically, precisely, and entirely. Okay? Yes.

Okay. You're here because of Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving? See, senor. I have a turkey. I see you've got a turkey. Why are you holding a... How big is that? Seventeen pound turkey, senor. I have a big family. Well, why did you bring your turkey here and why are you holding it down there by your waist? Well, senor, you told me to stuff my turkey. Okay. Well, it stuck, senor.

What do you mean it's stuck? Well, can you not seem to the 17-pound turkey in front of my... How do you want to say? Garden hose, senor! What are you talking about, Fentes? I went home, I was stuffing the turkey, and my wife walked in on me, senor. What do you mean your wife walked in on you? Well, I had the turkey up on the counter, and my gardening pants were down, signor,

and I was stuffing the turkey quite aggressively, if you know what I mean. Chaba boom, chaba boom, chika chika chow-wow. What the hell is chugga-chugab-boom, chika-chika-chow-wow? That's the noise I made, Signor, when I was stuffing the turkey. What do you mean you were stuffing the turkey

and why is it, okay, now you just took your hands away and the turkey is still floating in front of your waist? See, signor, it hurts. Hurts bad. What are you? What is chicka-chicca-chicabow? What did you say? Senor, I was stuffing the turkey the way you told me to, of course. Okay. And I got up to a fever pitch?

Yes. And my wife walked in, Signore, and I panicked, and my garden hose got stuck. What do you mean your garden hose? Well, you know, senor, my... My... My... Thingy-wingy. What is a...

Wait a minute, Fuentes. See, senor? When I told you to stuff your turkey, I meant you put stuffing in it and giblets and gravy and cranberries. I know that now, senor. Wait a minute, what did you stuff your turkey with? I told you, senor, I put my garden hose in the turkey, and I was stuffing it like crazy. It actually was feeling really nice until my wife walked in, senor. Are you telling me

Did you put your... Were you having... I'm gonna put this delicately, Fuentes. See, senor. Did... Were you making love to your turkey? Well, some call it making love and some call it stuffing, senor.

Hold on. You... You pull down your pants, you had the 17-pound turkey on the counter and you put your, you know what, inside the turkey? You told me to stuff the turkey, Signore, and now it's stuck and I can't get it off. I need you to help me pull the turkey off my garden hose. Oh my God!

Are you freaking kidding me? I wish I was, Signore, but I am not so happy right now, and neither is my penis. Oh, don't even say that. What is wrong with you, man? I just did what you told me to, senor, stuff the turkey. I even put on some nice music in the background. Some low, soft Kenny G. It was very romantic.

I didn't think my wife would be home quite so early. Oh, sweet God. Will you please pull the turkey off my... Shh, quiet! I am not pulling a 17-pound turkey off your penis, senor. Stop saying penis. Garden hose, seor. Stop.

saying garden hose. Penis, signor. I told you not to say penis. Garden hose. Stop, say... What shall I call it, senor? Turkey snake? Don't call it a turkey snake. Give me that damn thing. Thank you, senor. If you

could just pull. I'm going to pull and you're going to get the hell out of here and throw that turkey in the garbage. This turkey cost me $40, senor. I will not throw it in the garbage. I will not waste food. I have a hungry family to feed. Wait a minute, Fuentes. Are you telling me?

I'm going to pull a 17-pound turkey off your penis. Stop it! Turkey choker! Stop it! I'm going to pull a 17-pound turkey off of your garden hose. Stop saying it! And you're going to serve it to your family? See, senor!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Could you hurry, signor? I feel like I'm getting... swollen and I feel like there's parsley on my penis stop it give me the damn thing come here thank you signor good lord it's all greasy and oh god pull harder senor i'm trying oh god harder senor pulled the turkey off my piece shut up oh i feel it coming senor what did you say i said i feel i'm coming i said i feel it coming i said i feel it coming Senor. Shut up! Oh, senor! Santa Maria!

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my penis. It's got turkey skin on it, senor. It doesn't have turkey skin. You're right. I'm just uncircumcised, Signor. Oh, my God. Put that away. Can I have the turkey back, Signore? Take the damn turkey. I don't care what you do with it. Get the hell out of here. Would you like a drumstick, senor? No! It's circumcised. No, get out!

Get your giblets and your gravy and everything else and get out. Unbelievable. God! Disgusting, man. Do you like white meat or dark meat, seigneur? Get out of here! Would you like my left ball or my right ball, senor? Get out!

God! God. Good God. I feel sick. You know, let's go to something pleasant. You know, Roger, let's get back to the parade, the Thanksgiving Day parade, the 19th annual thanks. This is our final segment with John and John. Take it away, guys. Oh, my God. Roger, get me a mop. Oh, man. Wow. Thank you very much, Harlan. Here we are back at the 27th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day. parade. I'm John Walters and I'm here with my partner in crime. John Starders and how are we doing so far, John? Well, it's not really working, John. Unfortunately, you know, Paul Newman might as well be alive because it looks like his lemonade is spilling all over the street. another year of dysfunctional, dangerous, dare I say, life-threatening floats, people have been injured, there's blood on the streets, and there's blood on the hands of the organizers of this lemon meringue pie of a parade. Wow, well, let's keep our hopes up here, John, as the vital float of the day comes barreling down the street, and what a beauty it is.

look at the size of that one oh my god i think i feel the butterflies in my stomach going back into their cocoons and laying spider eggs in their own eyes well i don't know what that really means john but well i do it means i'm going to throw up look at this float coming down the street Well, let's take a look at it. This comes from a local facility here in town. This float comes to us from Sally's Sugar Plum Arseholes. Oh, my God. Now, I believe, John, that her facility is, there seems to be a trend going on with women and some men these days

to have their anises bleached. Oh, my God. And it looks like at Sally's sugar plum arseholes, we have a giant float. It looks like a giant, that's about a 60-foot-tall, round, white arsehole. Oh, my God, it looks like a giant albino asshole. It looks like a time portal from some kind of science fiction movie. And look at this. thing is rolling down the street, there's birds flying through the arse hole, there's wind

whistling through it, I think I hear some whistling sounds coming out of that thing, and it just looks hideous. Well, now, you don't want to really mock someone who's putting the commerce time and effort into the Thanksgiving Day parade. Well, seriously, do we really need an arsehole rolling down the middle of the street? This makes me want to puke. It's It looks like a giant anal snowflake. Look at the wrinkles around the edges. Well, they weren't sticklers for detail here today, John, and many people, many people these days,

are getting their anuses bleached completely white. Oh, really? Do you want to name me one person in your inner circle or someone you know who walks around with a bleached arsehole ring? John? Well, uh, John? What? Why aren't you answering me, John?

Well, I, I, I, I, wait a second. What? Are you telling me, whoa, wait, hold on, are you telling me you had your asshole bleach, John? And let's look down at the kids, they're letting some, wait a minute, there's some wonderful kids jumping up on the float. And look at this, John. Oh, my God. They're allowing the kids to run and jump through the big white arsehole ring. Oh, my God.

There's children jumping into a big white asshole. Oh, my God. This has all gone wrong. Well, it sure looks like they're having fun. I mean, some of them are jumping back and forth. It really looks like they're enjoying jumping into that prune-wrinkled ass ring. Oh, my God. This is, I don't know if I've ever seen a worse.

Wait a minute, something's happening. Oh, my God, it looks like, oh my God, it looks like something, either the assholes deflating or some of the support beams have broken down. Oh, my God, it's collapsing. The ass, the big white asshole is collapsing. Oh, my God, it's got some of the children. There's seven or eight children stuck in the asshole. Their legs flailing in the air.

Oh, my God, they're kicking and screaming. The giant albino asshole is constricting around their bodies like a snake swallowing an egg. Oh, sweet Christ, they're being gobbled up by a bleached giant arse ring. Oh, my God. Oh, the screaming? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, some of the children's eyeballs just popped out. Oh, the sweet anal squash of a young child's life being squished.

my god we've got to go harland this has been the 23rd annual harland highway thanksgiving parade oh my god it's opening and closing it's oh it's pulsing on the children oh my god thank you for being here not really working john one of the worst Thanksgiving day parades we've ever had oh my god And by the way, I can't believe you got your asshole bleached. Well, would you like to see it? What? Thank you for joining us today on the 94th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. Are you serious? Can I take a look at it?

Well, if you really want to, John. Can I take a selfie with your little snowflake? Well, I don't see why not. We're still on the air, I think. Oh, my God. Thank you. everybody thank you and until next year this is john walters and i'm john starters and we'll see you next year where it's probably not really working at the harland highway thanksgiving day parade

just let me unloos of my belt here john oh okay oh i didn't realize you had so many pimples on your bottom john okay guys thank you oh thank you very much another wow that last float was uh sally's sugar plum arseholes is i don't know where they get these sponsors but nonetheless people seem to enjoy the festivities enjoy the parade and you know what can i say well we'll be back with it again next year, of course, and a great job by John Walters and John Starters. And they really, they really know how to call that thing. Well, that's it for us today, folks. I don't think we can, oh, what?

Oh, of course, yes. Every year we play our, our Roger just reminded me, we play our Thanksgiving, our Thanksgiving song, our Thanksgiving turkey song. Turkey Govo, go go go go go go get saved Go go go go go go go go go go go turkey Go go go go go go go get thanks The pilgrim

flock Ro, ro, ro, to Plymouth Rock To eat turkey Gaba, Gaba, go Gava, come Gava,

Gava, Gava, Gava, Turkey Gava, Gava, Gava, Gava,

give thanks The pilgrim Young, young, young, E double bees They called turkey Cava, go go goa, goa, goa, go bo, go bo, go bo, go back Gobble, go bo, go bo, go bo,

go bo, go bo, go to turkey, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, get back. Tequillo crumb and then whites, Slice, slice it with their night They fought turpree. Gubu, gobble, goa, govo, govo, govo, govo,

give thanks. Gubble, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Turfee. Gobble, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, Gipa, go, go, go, giv back. let's close it out happy thanksgiving to everyone once again i thank each and every one of you for being part of our little adventure down the harland highway uh give thanks for life give thanks uh for for all the good things that come my way and i hope you give thanks for all the good

things that come your way never forget to give thanks whether it's just out into the air or to god or to your your rose garden or to your you know a picture just it's always a good feeling to give thanks um we are blessed it is great to be alive and uh keep on smiling keep on listening thanks for being here and uh before i go i'll do a few quick announcements here just so uh just so you can get caught up if you want to have some some laughs beyond this parade for your Thanksgiving. This weekend, I will be in Irvine, California, at the improv, at the spectrum.

Great way to spend your after meal. I won't be there on the day. The 24th is Thanksgiving Day, so I will not be there, but on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I will. So make sure you get your tickets at Harlan Williams.com. That's the Irvine Improv, November 25, 27th. And then going into December, I only have two gigs.

Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities, that's December 1st through the 3rd. And then in Oxnard, California at Levity Live, December 8 through 11. And then I'm done for the year, baby. I'm going to sit back and get in an inner tube and float down the Harland Highway. Please get our Harland Highway app. It's free on your cell phone. Just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and boom, baby. You have the free app.

You can listen to the show wherever you are. You get notified every time the shows are posted, and you're off and running, baby. What else? Check out our store. Christmas is coming up. We have all kinds of great gifts, funny gifts, t-shirts, movies, books, artwork, CDs, digital downloads, you name it, man. Go to the Harlan Williams.com store. We will mail that stuff out to you.

Please get your orders in before December 15th. After that, we can't guarantee it we'll get to you before the big day. So December 15th is your cutoff and get some stuff happening. Join our premium membership, $20 for the Harlan Highway. Get all kinds of bonus material. and big, bang, boom. So there you go. Don't forget to tickle your rat before you go to bed tonight,

whatever that means. And happy Thanksgiving to all of you from me. Again, I'm thankful that you listen to my podcast. I appreciate it. Happy Thanksgiving. God bless and chicken. Well, I better change it. It's Thanksgiving.

turkey chalman baby do you like white meat or dark meat seigneur