The Harland Highway - 823 - SEX prank calls - Sex Xmas songs - Sex dogs

Episode Date: December 1, 2016

Sex laden PRANK CALLS on today's show and lot's of uncomfortable sex talk. Dogs, humans and even Santa! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, hello, ho, ho, ho, ho. We are in December. Oh, my God, the merriest month of the year. Christmas is in the air. The holidays are descending upon us. Oh, what a treat. And what a show we have today. Oh, my God. Today we are, the show is very sexually charged. We're going to be talking about sex and sexual things and the way us human beings talk about sex? Are some of you comfortable with talking about sex? Or some of you uncomfortable? Are you even able to say sexual things without blushing? We're going to talk about that. Plus, we're going to phone a few places. We're going to make a few sex-laden prank phone calls here today. We're going to see how people out there in the world react when things start to get sexual. When we make some naughty sexual prank calls, here on the Harland Highway.

Also, in keeping with the theme of sex and sexual innuendo, we're going to play a naughty, naughty Christmas Carol. First Christmas Carol of the season. A naughty yet funny Christmas Carol at the end of the show. It's a tradition we have here every year at the Harland Highway. So let's get it going, man. Put your scarf on, put your hat on, ram a tobogging down your face. This is the Harland Highway.

What is this, some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello?

Hello? Thank you for going fast. How can I assist you this morning? How are you? I'm doing pretty good. What can I do for you do? Great. Do you have tea bags down there?

um do you sell tea bags i'm going to be honest i'm not like actual tea bags no if there's another that that's something supposed to mean something else is there any way you can describe them to me well my wife said she's tired of and i'm embarrassed saying this she's tired of the boredom in our bedroom and she's she stormed out of the room last night and said i want to pardon my language god damn tea bag and I just I'm at the end of my rope what the hell is it what do I do and I thought if anyone knows it's you guys I haven't heard anything or we don't have any toys called tea bags um the only tea bagging I know of is when you pretty much put your balls in her face what what was that you put your balls in her face that's what tea bagging in the sexual term is okay so I

whoa so i i hang my testicles right on her face i mean that's what tea bagging is is meant in the sexual term i'm not 100% sure that's what she meant i obviously wouldn't throw that at her without asking permission first or without kind of inquiring what she means okay because like i said we had a fight about so do they go on her eyes or what part of the face do i honestly i was i would look up tea bagging on youtube i would go on urban dictionary and i'd look up tea bagging i would look up at all on your own wow are there different flavors like with the real tea bags like is there cinnamon tea bags is there cranberry like this type of thing like well i mean i guess you could put flavor lubricant on your balls in order to do that

oh so do you have that i have flavor lubricant here at my store yes Oh, what flavors? A rainbow flavors. I have probably over 20 different flavors. Is there a mint chocolate chip? I know she likes that when we go to Baskin-Robbins. Um. Or a hazelnut cream?

I've got so many flavors. I can't even remember, to be honest with you. Is there a key lime pie, uh, nutbag sauce? Is it sauce or is it dip? um it would be a lubricant so it's a liquid that you'd put on right on on my balls yes yes and i have a customer waiting right now so there's anything else that i can assist you with before i help this gentleman uh no listen you this has been illuminating and what can i come down now and look through the flavors yeah most only they're up on my second floor okay thank you so much

I think this might help. Thank you. All right. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Oh, my gosh. Good old tea bagging.

Isn't it funny as you go through life? You meet people that are just so casual with sexuality. You know, like there's some people that can just talk about sex and say sexual things. And they might as well be talking about the weather. You know? you ever just talk to someone and like oh god i masturbated three times yesterday and i'm so exhausted but it sure felt good and you're like wait what you didn't what but to them it's just a throwaway it's like oh my god it was cloudy and rainy yesterday

you know to them that's how it sounds oh my god i masturbated three times like you ever meet people like that they're just so open and so free with their talk about sex? The only teabagging I know of is when you pretty much put your balls in her face. What was that? You put your balls in her face. Right?

It's just some people are just so comfortable saying stuff like that. Now, I grew up in a household where we got scorned if we said the word, shut up. If you said, shut up, you were in trouble. So forget about saying, You put your balls in her face.

I mean, we'd be exiled to the root cellar if we said it something like that. We'd probably be burned on the front lawn as witches, me and my sisters. So I always find it intriguing, maybe sometimes repulsive, sometimes shocking, and sometimes I'm in admiration. Sometimes I envy people that are just so freewheeling and, you know, able to talk about stuff like that. I'll be honest with me I was very shy with stuff like that

I could never talk about stuff like that but then I realized as I got older and I think it's because of kind of the world I live in I'm in Hollywood I've worked with actors and actresses and artists and so you know there's a lot of salty language that gets thrown around

there's a lot of people that can be you know very loose and freewheeling and so over time I think I've loosened up on this kind of stuff I remember when I first started with my stand-up comedy I would never say a bad word or anything sexual and then over time I've kind of loosened the reins a little bit and you know I used to be very shy

I was like a little shy bashful little school boy you put your balls and her face. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know what I mean? Like, I would be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I always find it quite startling when women are so open about talking about sex. You know, I guess I grew up in a world where, you know, I don't know if I ever heard my mother utter a bad word.

rare I heard my sisters say anything salty. And, you know, I was kind of raised in a family where women were womanly and feminine and, you know, they were independent and strong, but also, you know, it probably wasn't in the right light for a woman to talk about sex or be so open and free about it. And so I would, whenever, whenever someone would bring it up in high school or college, I'd be like, oh my God. But there's another side of me where, you know, like I said, I'm kind of being, I'm kind of, I kind of get like, wow, how can they just be so carefree with their, with their dialogue?

You put your balls in her face. So cavalier, so brash. But yet perhaps so liberating, so freeing, so sophisticated, maybe even, kind of sort of. So I don't know. I think at my age I'm still confused about what the right levels are, what the right pattern is. You know, sometimes you hear sexual language coming out of a person's voice, out of their mouth, and you're like, oh, yeah, that fits perfect. Like, that's Tommy, you know, from down at the oil and lube place, right?

And then all of a sudden you're, you know, you're somewhere else. You're at a wedding and the bridesmaid is saying like, oh, God, I'm all wet. Or, you know, who knows what they say? And you're like, wait, what did you just say? And all of a sudden, the most unexpected person starts talking graphically and you're like completely thrown for a loop. and I don't know if there's a right or wrong in today's in today's society

it's not like today where we're all dainty gentlemen and beautiful orderly women you know men don't throw the coats down over a puddle for the ladies anymore and they barely hold the door open for a lady it's like you'll hear men and women like spouting the most vile sexual style And I'm just saying, you know, kind of interesting.

Put your balls in her face. What was that? You put your balls in her face. Hello? Hello. That's on Midas Main Street. Hi, how are you? This is David. Good. How are you?

Great. I'd like to, can I get some food? You want to order food? Yes, please. I'd like, do you have, I'd like, I think, what is it, three, four dirty Sanchez's, please. I'm sorry, what was that? Four dirty Sanchez's? Four dirty one, I'm sorry. Dirty Sanchez.

We don't have those. Oh. Oh, you don't? We don't have that. I'm surprised. Most Mexican restaurants have those. Do you have a Senor Fuentes? Give me one second.

Okay, so what exactly are you trying to get? Oh, sorry. Four Dirty Sanchez's, please. We don't have that. I'm not sure what I'm sorry, but... Oh. Okay, well, thank you. I'll try somewhere else.

And it's tough, too. It's, right? It's tough. It's tough with sexual terms, because as human beings, we love them. We love to take, like, sexual terms and use them in our daily vocabularies.

It's like, oh, You're such a dick, bro. Oh, don't be such a twop, man. Oh, are you kidding? What a dildo, bro. Like, you know, it's like we've adopted a lot of sexual words and made them part of our regular language. And we even have terms that people make up, like the dirty Sanchez and the shocker. and doggy style, and, you know, stuff that isn't necessarily in the dictionary.

But we pull it all in, man. We somehow bring a lot of stuff back to the realm of sex and sexuality. I mean, here's a place that had the nerve, a sporting goods store that had the nerve to call themselves Dix. Dick's sporting goods. This is Chris. I'm going to help you. Hey, Chris, how are you today? Hey, not bad.

You guys carry tennis rackets down there? We do, yeah. Were you looking for any particular one? Just I need something that's kind of light, light in the hand. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, we should have a few here for you. Yeah, I mean, we've got a couple good options for you.

Awesome. And this is my wife's here beside me. She wanted to know if you guys have any dildos down there. oh my god well that's my wife she asked me to ask so sure don't well she it's dicks right it is and no dildos that's right okay well she's tell all right she told me we'll have to try somewhere else thanks though mike yeah i mean come on man you're gonna name your store dicks I'm not kidding. There's a place I saw down in Florida. There's no word of a lie. You know those malls where you're driving and you see the mall and it has all the different stores on it?

It'll be like Staples and the movie theater and Chick-fil-A and Macy's. They're all on one sign so you know what you're getting once you pull in to the mall, right? Because you're driving by. You can't stare at the mall, so you stare at the sign and you go, oh, there, there, that's what I need. I'm not kidding. There's a sign in Florida that I drove by a couple of times where it says Dix. You know, Dick's sporting good is just a big word Dix. And then right underneath it, BJs, which is a chain of like roadhouse style bar restaurants. And they were both there right side by side on the sign.

Dicks and BJs. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

I mean, you know, who's going to open up a store next? Hi, welcome to Holy Fox. Hi, welcome to sexual intercourse. How may we help you? Hi, welcome to Doggy Stiles. Can we get you some chicken wings? Hello, welcome to anal pounding. How are you today? Table for five? Yes, we put the stools upside down so you can sit on them with you. Okay, come on. I mean, you know what I mean? It's just we're very weird with the sexual lingo. live in a society where we love innuendo and so I had a little fun today, made a few phone

calls, and I hope you enjoyed those. Roger, let's move on, brother. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. Okay, speaking of funny, silly sex stuff, I got to share this with you because this cracked my ass up, man. This made me laugh the other day. You've seen these things are called GIFs.

They're like little tiny video clips that you can text to people. You know, they're like little film clips from movies or TV shows or old horror movies or just bizarre video clips. They're pretty creative. They're fun. You're starting to see them a lot more, more and more and more of the Gifts are coming out. I'm not sure even what GIF stands for. I'm guessing it's graphic.

You know what, let's look it up because all of us are going to be sitting there going What the hell does GIF mean? Why does he have to get stuff like that in our head? I mean, now I'm going to be thinking about GIF all day. So I'm going to look it up. Here we go. We don't want to be, you know, hanging on that all night.

Here it is GIF. What does GIF mean? It means graphics interchange format. Oh god That was disappointing GIF A lossless format for image files that support Both animated and static images

A file in a GIF format Okay that's like Uber boring man That was like a huge letdown I'd rather have You know balls on my face No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. I'm just, I had it, and, oh, God.

But anyways, I saw a GIF. It was a little clip, and it cracked me up. All right, it was, I don't know if you know this or not, but when canines, wolves and dogs and foxes and whatever else is a canine, have sexual intercourse, are you blessing? Oh, my God, are you blessing? You put your balls in her face. It's a lot of time.

I don't know if it's all the time, a lot of time when canines have sex, your dogs, once they're done, the male penis gets jammed in the, and I hate to use this word, the bitches, female dog, bitch, and the bitches, the JJ. And I don't know, I guess that's some kind of a, you know, biological survival technique wherein, I guess, If the male canine is stuck inside the female, it probably ensures, oh, I hate, see, here's what I mean.

Right now I'm completely embarrassed to say this. But someone else might just be like, whatever, but I'll power through it. It ensures that the male ejaculate stays inside the female and any that might be remaining. in the penis continues to dribble out. I'm guessing that might be part of the function of why when canines have sex, the male and the female get locked together. Oh, God. See, this is, I was, I'm not wired for this stuff, man.

I'm uneasy, I'm uncomfortable. I said ejaculate. I should end the show right now. Just, you know what? It's like an alarm goes off. he said ejaculate, he said ejaculate, shut down the show, shut down the show, eh, eh, eh, oh, God. But anyway, so I saw a gif where it was these two dogs stuck together.

It was a mutt. The male dog was a big kind of black mutt, the size of a maybe a golden retriever. And the recipient of the mutt's dog weaner was, was a bulldog, a British bulldog. You know, the ones with the big fat faces and the droopy eyes and the jowls hanging out? And I guess someone with a cell phone happened upon them after they had had sex, after they had copulated. And so the bulldog and the mutt were standing like rear end to rear end.

They were locked together. One was facing north and one was facing south. Their butt holes were touching. And they were locked, man. The male could not pull his hooter nanny out of the Vajajay. And so this guy, some dumbass, decided to invade their dog sex privacy. And started filming these two just standing there, and they're just staring up at the camera looking.

You know how animals look sometimes when they know they're guilty? And they have that look where their ears go down and their eyes kind of look from side to side and they lower their head and they look up at you, you know, under their eyebrow. And it's cute as all hell, but it's also it tugs at your heartstrings because you know they think they're in trouble

or they've done something wrong. So here's this guy with his cell phone. Two dogs locked in ecstasy and they're both kind of given that guilty look. If dogs could talk, they're like, oh, dude, you just caught his fucking, bro. I mean, really, you're going to film us? Like, you know, my penis is locked in her vagina right now.

I mean, you're going to, really, you're going to film this? Well, I just stand, we're both just standing here, like asshole to asshole with my cock stuck in her, you know what? And so this guy with his cell phone started getting closer and closer, and all of a sudden, the male dog, the black dog, panicked. And they were out on it. This was out on kind of a country road lined with trees there's no traffic around it was like pretty empty space the only thing you could see

were the dogs and the and the road and the black dog panicked and he just took off running like down the road full speed like a greyhound whipping around a greyhound track man he was just flying and he was so panicked i guess he forgot that he was you know he had his trailer hitch in the British bulldog's trailer holder, or whatever it's called. And so this dog hightailed it down the road, full speed, dragging this poor British bulldog who lost its footing and literally was just dragging behind with its paws on the ground. It almost looked like, I don't know if anyone's ever seen someone like dragged behind a truck or if someone falls off a horse and they get stuck in the horse.

horse rope and they're just being dragged around the on the ground their arms reaching out in front of their faces trying to grab at the ground and I'm telling you man it cracked me up this this dog just was flying and this poor little female British bulldog just being dragged along and you got a wonder I mean you know British bulldogs are fat and chubby I mean that'd be like us tying dudes. I mean, I guess, tying like a medicine ball around our, you know what, and going for a run, going for a sprint. But this dog just was giving her. It just took off, man. And it's like, it's penis locked. And of course, you feel kind of sorry for them, but it's just such a funny sight. You know, how often do you see people running while they're, you know,

and locked together sexually. You don't see that, man. It would be fun to see. I'd love to be sitting at Starbucks one day and just some dude goes running by with his girlfriend. They're locked. He's just dragging her. She's like, can we at least stop for a Starbucks?

Wait, wait. Come on, I'm swollen. You know. so super funny man um yeah i had to show that with you because it made me laugh i hope you can visualize it because it was just ridiculous so there you go crazy sex stuff here today man oh this is so exciting then i guess if we're we're kind of talking about sex on the show

oh yeah yye if you want to if you want to go and see a a kind of graphic show that's festive and kind of ushers in the Christmas season with a lot of salty language and sexual innuendo and comedy and singing and really fun stuff. I'm going to play a song for you that I play every year around Christmas time to usher in the Christmas, and I figure why not, man, this is a is the first, first podcast of December, right? So we might as well, we might as well kick it off, get the Christmas spirit going. I think it fits in with the theme of this show.

My friend Toby Huss, who is an actor, you might remember him from a movie I did called Down Periscope. Toby played the electrician, and he's just a real funny guy. And when he's not acting, when he's not doing movies and television, Every Christmas, Toby does a character at the Steve Allen Theater in Hollywood, California, called Rudy Carsoni, Triple X Christmas Review. And it's coming up December 9th and 10th at the Steve Allen Theater in Hollywood, California. It's really worth seeing. I got to tell you, man, it's raunchy.

It's blue, tons of sexual innuendo, hilarious characters. He has like nine or ten different acts that come out, and they're raunchy and funny. He has an X-rated mime. We've all seen a mime. Well, this is like an X-rated mime that does stuff that makes you want to have a bath after you watch them. You have Santa Claus coming out drunk. You have sexually suggestive songs. It's a whole lot of fun.

It's at 8 o'clock at the Steve. in theater, the Rudy Carsoni triple Xmas review. Go online, get your tickets, and I promise you, I've been to this thing many years. It's like a tradition. I won't be able to go this year. But if you're in Hollywood, if you're around Hollywood, California, I highly recommend it. It's a really fun night of entertainment, laughter, raunchiness, and like I said, it really get you in the holiday spirit. So why don't we end the show with one of my favorite

Rudy Carsoni songs as sung by Toby Huss? And I play this one every Christmas. It's a tradition. I love playing it. It makes me really know that Christmas is on its way. It's very sexually suggestive and full of sexual innuendo. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Carsoni snowballs. a year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons that I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks you see's. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for her there. Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree?

What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazone. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint your eyes when the lights are low, you got one's well-looking skinny day go. Kids love him to move. Was this more than a date? He's got a sack. He's got a No, you little ain't great.

Well, yesterday you're my lip smacker. Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker. I did not forget Christmas. No, I hunch a mistletoe in my pants. Packer up! There's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind. You're going to miss my back, spackling, crackling hot.

You'll log. Wax nostalgic. My steamy holiday nog He's jolly and bed Yeah, who is this pest? Steets are rosy and red Oh, I should have guessed Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough

You ho-ho snow blowing ho-ho-ho-ho Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy Blow it out your dingle Don't go getting snooty Oh so you bag the cringle So long but don't forget my dear Oh fat so comes but once a year There's snowfalls

Who live up in the cold I like these I love his big North Pole They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees You're gonna miss roasting my chestnuts Oh yes, ma'am, good luck without my pink honey glazed Holiday ham Because there's snowballs like mine

There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind And there's snowballs Snowballs! Hey, look out, baby it is! There's snowballs! Snowballs! And had snowballs like those nutty, knocked out, not so cuckoo stones, you're leaving behind!

Dear Santa Claus, thanks for nothing! P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or, if not... I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something. A couple of your little helpers. If they help you, they can help me, pal. There it is.

There it is. If you've been listening to the podcast all these years, you know that I play this song every year. I just love it. And like I said, if you can go see Toby's show, it's full of these great songs, great comedians, great actors, great characters. It's just raunchy, dirty.

It's kind of like a throwback to the old rat pack. It's kind of vagusy and kind of 60s, 70s, kind of just got a really fun vibe. It's a great night of entertainment. And I don't think it costs very much. But search around for it online, the Steve Allen Theater, the Rudy Carsoni, triple Xmas. And I guarantee you'll, have a good time if you're in Hollywood, California,

A. Oh, love it. Anyways, let's get to some other announcements here. I don't think we can top the show with any more sexual innuendo than that song. I mean, honey glazed ham is Big North Pole. I mean, geez, it just went on and on. Hey, I will be in Cleveland starting tonight. Yes, Cleveland, Ohio, ladies and news. gentlemen at hilarity's comedy club right downtown unbelievable club the pickwick and frolic

uh hilarity's comedy club i'll be there thursday friday and saturday it is going to be a blast great theater going to tear it up have a blast uh get your tickets you can go to harlo williams dot com the website is up and running again we had a few days where we had some technical glitches and it was taken down. We got her up and running again. All is good so you can get all the information for the show at Harlan Williams.com

and also the following week December 8 through 11th I will be at Levity Live in Oxnard, California up there north of Malibu and a brand new club out there, gorgeous club. It's been my first time

playing it. Going to be great. That will be my last stand-up gig of the year, 2016. Goodbye, 2016. Can you believe it? Well, you're at harloughambs.com. You can write to me at our contact link, or you can call me 3-2-3-739-43-33. 3-2-739-43-30 is the phone number. If you want to leave a message, you got about two minutes to do it. And then the machine will cut you off. please call, please write, check out our store. You still have time to get your Christmas orders in

at Harlan Williams.com and our merch story of hilarious t-shirts, comedy, DVDs, movies, artwork, t-shirts, oh, everything, digital downloads. It's just everything's there. And don't forget to get your free Harland Highway app on your cell phone. Just go into your app store, boom, hit it, you're in while you're in. You can join our premium content for only $20 a year. It gives you all the archived episodes from the very beginning.

That's over 800 episodes of the Harlan Highway. Can you believe it for $20? And you get all kinds of bonus stand-up comedy material for me, bonus character stuff, bonus podcast stuff will be great. So there you go. Thank you for being here, everybody. uh happy holidays as they begin and approach rapidly i love this time of year love having you guys here uh have a good one and until next time chicken showman baby put your balls in her face

what what was that you put your balls in her face