The Harland Highway - 824 - PRANK CALL CAT SHOP. Dirty Xmas carol. And guy with 800 kids

Episode Date: December 7, 2016

Harland prank calls a cat shop. A guy who has 800 offspring. A naughty Xmas carol for you to hum along to! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, dag-nabbit pavement pounders, this is embarrassing. So, sometimes, and I hate when this happens, sometimes my technology messes up, and between doing my podcast and going out on the road on tour to do my stand-up comedy, sometimes the technology crashes, and it happens at the worst possible time when I'm either heading out the door

or I'm already out the door and I can't get to my said technology. So that's what happened this week. You're probably going, Harlan, where's Monday's podcast? Damn it. I can't function without it. Well, this is Monday's podcast.

It's airing on Wednesday now due to the screw-up, but I just got back into town. I'm just now able to post it and apologize for the malfunction. It makes me so angry. I want to grab a little baby deer and poke it in the eyes. No, wait, that's not right.

So what we'll do is we'll just bundle Mondays and Thursdays into this one because there's no point in putting one out Wednesday and then the new one on Thursday. So we'll just, this week, we'll only have one podcast. They're going to be married together. And then we'll have fresh ones next week, Monday and Thursday. So some of the references might seem a little off in this podcast because it was designed for Monday, but maybe not. I don't know. So nonetheless, my apologies for the delay, here is this week's.

We don't do this very often. I don't think I've ever done this, but here's this week's one and only podcast, and then we're back to the regular schedule next week. Hope you enjoy it. Happy holidays and have fun. with podcast nonsense. That's what I do every week. No, wait, why am I insulting myself? Hey, Harlan Williams here.

You are listening to the Harlan Highway podcast. What a show we have for you today. Oh, my God, a crazy news story. I mean, how much do you like sex? How many kids do you think you can have through your sexual activity? Wait to you hear this crazy news story. And how many youngens this gentleman spawned?

It'll blow your mind. Also, do you like cats? Well, we're going to make a crank call or a prank call or whatever you call them to a pet place. And I'm going to try and hunt down myself a cat. And you know, that's going to go crazy because my prank calls always go crazy. So we got that coming at you. We got a really fun, naughty, nasty, dirty Christmas carol we're going to play for you here during the show. And then the Harland Highway Question of the Day, ooh, it's gross.

I almost didn't want to talk about it, but it happened to me. It's something really gross and disturbing and ugly and messy that happened to me. And that's going to be in the Harland Highway Question of the day. So here we go. Hang on. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening?

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello?

Hi. How are you today? Fine. How are you? Good. This is Dave. Do you have cats? Like for sale? Yeah. No, sir. We just sell supplies.

Oh. I was looking for a cat. You don't have any at all? We have one that's available through for adoption. That's through Southern Animal Rescue that we're fostering. Oh, but there's none in, you don't have any in store that I could bring the kids down to play with. Oh, we do. He is here.

Yeah, we have one cat. Oh, what kind is it? Um, it's a, uh, Maine Coon mix. Maine Coon? Uh-huh. Oh, those are from like, is that exotic? Like from Madagascar? I, yeah, I think so. He's just, he's still a kitten, but he's going to get pretty big, I think.

Wow, like, how big, like, I don't want it too big. Like, I don't want anything over, like, you know, 50 pounds because of the kids. Oh, no, no. Yeah, he'll probably get up to maybe 15 pounds. 15, you sure? That's, that's where he taps out because I have a, I have a lot. I wouldn't, definitely not any bigger than that. But if you are interested in adopting him, you'd have to go through Southern Animal Rescue. Oh, boy.

Okay, I'm going to look into that. Okay, cool. His name is Fraggle. Oh, wait, wait a minute. Like the Muppets? Uh-huh. Ah, God. That's a bit of an issue.

One of our kids had, boy, oh, boy, I might get emotional here. One of our kids had a Muppet toy, the Grover, you know, Grover. Mm-hmm. And, boy, last Easter, the kid pulled its plastic eye off by mistake and choked, choked on Grover's eye. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry to hear that. And we had to rush our little baby to the intensive care unit and almost didn't make it. So when I hear, what was the cat's name?

Fraggle. Yeah, when I hear that, I just, ouch. I just, I see my baby all blue and his face swollen and bloated. and his eyes pinched shut just hanging on to life really um is there can we name it something else um i would say i guess so i don't know if he i think he kind of knows his name but um i would just you know i i i'm like i can just picture i'm in the house fragile and then all of a sudden my child starts having a tantrum maybe even a seizure because the traumatic memory of course Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Have you ever seen a child choking and turning blue? I have not. Not in person, no. We can, I know we just met, but if you want, I can send some pictures. Do you have an email? Oh, no, I would rather not, if that's okay. You don't want to see my blue child? No, thank you.

Well, can I talk about it with my wife, and then maybe we call you back and just see you. You would have to apply with an application through Southern Animal Rescue. Brett, we're just fostering the cat right now. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, listen, I appreciate, you know, we were right there. We were right at the finish line until I heard Fragel, and then I hope you understand why I have to pull away.

Oh, no worries, no problem at all. I would just talk with Southern Animal Rescue and see if it's something you want to do. And what was your name? It's Mike, Mike. My little boy, the one with the one with the... But, well, I guess I might as well tell you since we're into it, he had eye trauma. One of his eyes is paralyzed from the one that his oxygen was cut off. So he can't open his left eye, my little boy, David.

It looks like he's winking all the time. The kids at school call him a cyclops. And, you know, we've just been through the mill. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. Well, hey, you've been amazing. and I'll talk to the wife and then maybe we'll circle back around. Okay, sounds good.

Yeah, just look up Southern Animal Rescue and then they'll work with you if you want to adopt him. Okay, thank you so much. No problem. Okay, bye-bye. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow.

That's strange stuff. Oh, boy. Speaking of having babies, listen to this. Listen to this headline, this crazy news story. Here it is, sex crazy Galapagos tortoise, father's 800, saves species. Yeah, I said 800. Good Lord. Who the hell has 800 kids outside of the Kardashians?

I mean, come on. Here's the story. The most tireless and passionate proponent of saving the Galapagos. Topico's tortoise from extinction is ancient, lecherous, and not particularly attractive. But those attributes are apparently a big hit with the ladies. Meet Diego, the lusty 100-plus-year-old tortoise, who has helped bring his kind back from the brink of extinction

by having copious amounts of sex with any female in sight. All right, they should have said any female turtle in sight because now I'm picturing a hundred-year-old turtle or tortoise humping like innocent tourists. Mommy, mommy, what's this thing on my back? It's just a rock, darling. Well, it's got a prickly thing. Uh-oh.

So the report says he's a very sexually active, male reproducer. He's contributing enormously to repopulating the island. How enormously Diego is baby daddy to an estimated 800 offspring. Or to better put it, a generic test four years ago showed that he was the father of nearly 40% of the offspring released into the wild.

Holy God. I hate to pull this word out, but can you say inbreeding? Whoa. 800, man. That's a lot of alimony. That's a lot of child care payments. Woo! Story goes on.

Diego is a globe-trotting charmer, taking his name from the San Diego Zoo, where he was taken sometimes. between 1900 and 1959 by its scientific expedition. Good Lord. He is old.

He was returned to the Galapagos Islands in 1976 to get down to work in a captive breeding program as his kind had at one point dwindled to two males and 12 females. Oh my God, this guy,

this tortoise was around like, when cars were invented and flying was invented and men landed on the moon and I mean this this guy's a walking history copulator wow Diego it turns out takes his job seriously tough work but some tortoise has to do it said one of the funny funny reporters make a sound similar to that of a cow's moo when they're making love. I don't know. Tortoises and making love, those two terms don't go together well. Today, at least 2,000 tortoises have been released into the wild.

It's a population that's in pretty good shape and growing, which is the most important, says the people who work on the island. Wow And who says casual sex is a bad thing, right? I don't think Diego stays in touch with all these haughties These hot tortoise mamas Sounds like he's just roaming around having at her Casual, non-committal

All kinds of tortoise meat all around Oh yeah, this guy's a... He's a pimp this guy. But hey, I guess you got to do what you got to do to save your own species, right? 800 kids. Wow. I wonder if tortoises wear condoms. And I wonder, this is an awkward thing to wonder,

but I wonder if when they're finished, their you know what tucks back into the shell you know the way their arms and their head everything collapses gets sucked into the shell i'm guessing that when they finish getting it on they they pull it back into the shell right oh boy 800 babies that's a lot man that's a lot of sexual And of course, over a hundred years of having sex. I think only Hugh Hefner has done it more. And I think he's actually older, too. Yeah, he's older than Diego, and he looks drier and scalier than Diego. And I'm guessing, you know, Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy magazine, I've got to figure he's got at least two or three thousand kids.

running around somewhere. So nice tried, Diego. You thought you had the record, but there's another old dirty tortoise out there that has you beat. Congratulations, Hugh. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is.

This one's humiliating. This one's embarrassing. This one I don't even really wanna talk about it. But have you ever done this? This is the question of the day here at the Harland Highway. Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This happened to me like a week and a half ago. And I promised myself I'd never mention word of it,

but thanks to my podcast where I blab about everything, here it is. Have you ever, while you're driving along in your car, hawked a big lugie, you know what I mean, and go to spit it out the window. You know, you're speeding along and like, oh, God, there's like the mucinex guys in my mouth. I've got to get rid of this. And you're like, and you spit it out the window, except there's only one problem. Your window wasn't open in your car. And it's just like splat and spray and mucus and oh my God.

It's like you ever see a dragonfly or a big bug hit your window and go splat on your windshield? And it's gross and disgusting, but it's on the outside. So you're like, oh, no worries. I'll just flip all the windshield wipers, bro. So imagine if you had a great big, wet, greasy, messy, dirty splat on the inside of your window. And it wasn't even your front windshield. It was your side. Well, that's what I did.

Oh, God. Boy, do you feel like an idiot, too. You're just like, what the end? And you're looking around. You're like, oh, my God, I hope nobody saw that. You know, you're right away, you look at the other drivers. You're like, oh, my God, oh, my God, please don't let anyone have seen that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, it is humiliating, boy. And then it's, you're driving, and you're like, oh, my God, I've got to get this off. So now you're scrambling. You're looking around in your car. What can I wipe this eye? Here's an old receipt from Wendy's. I'll scrape it off with the Wendy's receipt. Oh, here's a, here's a.

an old flyer from my mailbox. I'll scrape it off with that. Oh, my God, I don't have anything. I'll just, I don't know, I'll take my sock off while I'm driving and wipe it off with a sock. You look around in the back seat. I have an old t-shirt. Is there anything back here? Oh, God.

It's messy. It's gross. It's humiliating. Oh, God. So there you go. That's the Harland Highway question of the day. Have you ever hawked or spit a lugie inside your own car? The Harland Highway Question of the Day.

All right, let's switch gears to something fun and festive and holiday themed, right? because we're coming into that Christmas zone. We're coming into that block, that Christmas block, ladies and gurgoblergens, right? Where we start to feel the joy and the celebration and we start to get excited and people start putting their lights up. And the Christmas caros are playing on the radio and in the malls. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah! So I talked about this on the last podcast,

my buddy Toby Huss, who's an actor and a singer and a performer, a funny man, just an all-round funny guy. I did a movie with him called Down Periscope many years ago. We've been buddies ever since. And he does a show every year in Hollywood at the Steve Allen Theater. He'll be there December 9 and 10 only doing his creativity. Christmas show, the Rudy Carsoni triple Xmas. And it's a show filled with raunchy songs and raunchy comedians and salty language.

And it's very much in the Frank Sinatra of Rat Pack vibe style. It's really hip and swinging. It's got great music. It's got great talented actors and comedians from all over Hollywood. And it's Christmas themed. It's like a raunchy Christmas party, and this thing fills up. I've gone to it most years, and it's just a blast. So if you're in Hollywood and you're looking for something really fun to do

on the weekend of December 9th and 10th, you've got to go see Toby Huss and catch his show. And I'm going to play one of his really fun Christmas carols to give you a little taste of what you're in for at the Steve Allen Theater. You can find tickets online. type in the Rudy Carsoni triple Xmas or the Steve Allen theater and look at their calendar. But I think one thing that all of us experience when we're working, when we work in an office building or we work for a company or a group or whatever you want to call it, there's always the office Christmas party, right?

And things always go weird at the office Christmas party, people that have been docile and working in their cubicles all year. behaving themselves. For some reason, they tend to let loose at the old Christmas party. Everyone just get nuts and out of control and everyone's screwing each other. And, well, I don't know about that. But anyways, Toby has a great Christmas song here. It's off his Christmas CD called Snowballs, which you can also get online.

You can buy this really funny Christmas CD. It's chock full of great songs. but let's play one right now that I think you'll really like for anyone who's been to a Christmas office Christmas party or is going to one, here it is. This is Toby Huss as Rudy Carsoni singing the Office Christmas Party Christmas song. Enjoy. on the gnaug called the boss to suck it merrily and kissed your secretarily she slapped your face and left the room agog a pick to fight with tot from shipping then you started stripping off your pants down to your red and green g string you baffed in your new briefcase on the client database you're really cruising now the party's in full swing because this is your night out sir you've worked hard all year

It's your American right To drink up your Christmas cheer You set the Christmas tree on fire You really had to admire When you pissed it out that really showed some class Staggered to the copy room Houghed on some tone of fumes Then made xeroxes of your pimply ass

Because this is your night Sir you've worked hard all you It's your American ride to drink up your Christmas cheer You stuck a post on your balls which said decked the halls Then you painted white out snowflakes on your cock Passed out in the elevator I woke some time later getting cranked off by Jim from the loading dock Because this is your night

Oh brother You worked hard hard hard Oh God damn year It's your right, baby To drink up your Christmas cheer There it is the office Christmas party, ladies and gentlemen. I'll just remind you once more, the Steve Allen Theater, December 9th and 10th in Hollywood, California, 8 o'clock showtime.

And you won't be disappointed, man. And it is a laugh riot down there. So get your tickets and have fun. I know I'm getting ready for Christmas. I'm getting ready to buy some new lights this year. I decided I'm going to revamp my Christmas decorations. You know, I've got this big box in the garage. And every year I kind of pull out the same decorations.

And I like them. They make my house very Christmassy. I put the holly over the mental. place and I hang the stockings and I have the little statues and the little Christmas lights and but I'm starting to feel like they're all just a bit too familiar. So I think this year I'm going to like, I'm going to go down to the store and buy a whole bunch of new Christmassy stuff and I know it sounds weird, but I might throw the other Christmas stuff in the garbage.

That sounds kind of odd, doesn't it? Well, somebody throw the Christmas stuff in the garbage, damn it? That just sounds, it sounds sacralid. But you know what I mean? It's like if, you know, you do something too much And you start to get bored with it, right? It gets like too familiar. It's like, oh, this again.

Oh, God. So I want to keep everything just super as Christmassy as always. But what I also want to do is kind of upgrade So that adds a little excitement to my Christmas. Oh, oh! So, you know, I'll hang some colored lights. I'll put the holly over the fireplace. I'll buy some new lights.

I'll buy some new ornaments. I'll, you know, and then I'll go get my tree. I think I might get two trees this year. I think I'll get one for the inside. And then sometimes I buy two and I put one outside so that when I'm walking up to my house, I get to see. It's fun to see. I got to say there's something neat about seeing a Christmas tree outside.

because that's where trees belong, right? Outside. You don't normally have a tree in your house. So there's something kind of really natural and refreshing and beautiful about a Christmas tree outside with the lights on, especially when you come home from work at night and you're walking up your laneway or up to your front door or wherever you might have it. And there it is.

It's outside. The air's a little cold. There's maybe a little wind blowing, and there's your tree, your Christmas tree outside, and you're like, oh, Christmas, and then you go inside, and there's your other tree with all the ornaments, and, oh, maybe I'll just buy, like, 40 trees and stick them in my lawn and pretend I have like a pine forest. You know, then I can just wander, screw I having a Christmas tree. I'll just have a Christmas forest. I'll come home after a hard day at work and go, well, I better put my boots on and go outside and I think I'll just wander through my forest.

Yeah, I'll meander through my Christmas forest. Smell a pine. Oh, of course I spit a lugi. You know, and just to smell a pine and the trees and they're brushing up against me. Oh, yeah, that's what I'll do. No, I won't. I won't do that, but I think I will get two this year.

So, as you know, I'm getting excited. I always like Christmas, so I'm getting all fired up and excited. I hope you are, too. We're going to have a lot of fun as we get closer to Christmas on the podcast here. Well, I'll make sure it's all Christmassy for you, Lerdlnurgens and Baddurgulurgens. But I hope you enjoyed today's show, and we're just getting started here for the holidays. So let's do a few quick announcements. Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, indeed.

Come and see me in Oxnard, man. Oxnard, California! Yes, Oxnard. There's a club there called Levity Live, okay? and I think you're really going to like it. It's a brand new comedy club. And I'm excited to play it. So that'll be December 8, 9, 10, and 11.

Here I'm telling you to go to Toby's Christmas show. Screw that. Come to my show. No, go to both. If you're in Hollywood, go to his. If you're out near Ventura or Malibu or anywhere up there, come to mine. There's enough for everybody.

and that's my last show of the holiday of the of the of the of the year 2016 boy did the year go by fast jeez oh i don't like it getting older man oh oh oh and then make sure you you order your Christmas presents i think you know you have like a couple more days to order presents at my web store uh the cutoff date is like the 15th uh if you order after the 15th i cannot guarantee that your presence will get to you on time so december 15th is the cutoff time for t-shirts cds artwork all kinds of cool gifts we will ship them out to you in time for christmas hopefully sometimes the postal service uh screws that up but we will do our very very best um like i said if you can if you can order by the 15th your chances are

really, really good. So check out Harlowyms.com. Check out the store. You can write me at Harlowyms.com. Just click on our contact link or you can call me.

You can even call me at Harlewilombs.com. Oh, yes. 323739-43330. 3-2-3-739-43-3-30. Leave me a voicemail. Maybe we'll put you on the air. How about that for Christmas?

Don't forget. Go to your app store. and type in the Harlan Highway on your phone and your app store phone. Your app, no, your phone's app store. That's what I'm trying to say. Jesus. And the app is free.

You can download it. You get 50 episodes. The most current episodes are free, 50 of them. And then for 20 bucks a year, if you buy our premium package, you get over 800 Harlem Highway episodes plus all our bonus material. It's going to be great.

So there you go, guys. Thank you so much for being here. And I hope you're having fun. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby.