The Harland Highway - 825 - WALLY the Xmas elf calls in. Harland gets tech pissed.

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

Wally the Xmas elf calls in from Santa's workshop. Harland gets PISSED OFF about tech. Naughty Xmas song. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ring jingling, ring jingling, angels will sing. But I'm not an angel and I shouldn't be singing because that's just terrible. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. We're keeping it Christmas-e. We're working our way up to the big day. And what better way to do it than to have Wally the Christmas elf call in? Yes, we're getting a call from the North Pole.

is Santa's top elf and we connect with him every year we have a special phone line to Wally and we're going to hear how things are going in the workshop up there how the toys are coming along always fun to talk to Wally also boy something happened to me that pissed me off and I'm going to unload we're going to be doing one of my my infamous Harlan's pissed off segments on the show today. I'm sure you can relate to this one, believe me. This one's happened to all of us, and I just, I fell right into the quick, Sam, man. So I have to vent. And then we're going to round the show out with a beautiful, naughty, dirty Christmas carol from a good friend of mine, Toby Haas, who has a great album out called Snowballs. And we're going to play one of his songs at the end of the show. So let's have some fun.

This is The Harland. Way. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway.

What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

All right, all right. I hate to do this to you. Right out of the gate. I know it's the holidays. We shouldn't be humbugs. We shouldn't be grumpy. But if I don't get this off my chest, it's just not going to be a good.

good holiday so here it is yes I'm pissed off don't piss me off this is Harland Williams you're really pissing me off oh you're starting to piss me off you little pig list some bitch you pissed me off you pissed me off shut up you're pissing me off These fucking assholes! The fuck is their problem, man! Oh, yeah, oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Listen, we all hate this.

I went through this. We've all been through it, right? You get a new computer, you get a new program, you try to launch a new website, yada, yada, yada. And it's always the same promise. Oh, just click a couple of buttons and you're all done. Just click here and you're in.

Just follow these three easy steps. You'll be up and running in no time. So I wake up early in the morning. I'm trying to launch a new website. All it says all you have to press is publish. And your website is published for the whole world to see. Not. Suddenly I'm calling godaddy.com at six in the morning talking to some guy in a cubicle with teen wolf hair and a little drive-thru hamburger microphone coming from his ear to his mouth.

I'm tired, I'm bleary-eyed. I was lured in by the promise of this will be so easy, just three quick clicks in. here. It's like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Just click your heels together and you can go home, Dorothy. Well, they don't tell you as all of a sudden from out of your computer come the flying monkeys. Fly, my pretty, fly! We're going to get you. That's what you get. So then I'm like, oh man, I'm going to switch gears about a new laptop. I didn't want to transport any of the old hardware or software or malware or whatever where from my old computer. You know, every other time I've done it, I've just clicked a button.

Transfer everything, right? You can hook up your new computer to your old computer, and with a click of a button, everything on your old computer just goes right into your new computer, including all the weird hidden viruses and Zika virus and Ebola and SARS. Who knows what, the swine flu, all these things that you hate about your old computer that make it slow down, that give you that spinning rainbow of death. I'm like, no, no, no, I've been doing this game for the last 15 years, just transferring everything over, and it seems my... new computers get slower every time.

So this time I'm like, I'm like spending a little money. I'm updating my, you know, my Microsoft office and, you know, all these things that I use. It's about time I stop being cheap and I'm just getting them new and fresh and hopefully better, faster, brighter technology, glitch free. So I do it. You know, I get the, I order the, through the internet, I order Microsoft Office. And, you know, they don't send you, like, DVD disks anymore. They don't send you floppy drives or flashcards to download.

Now you just do everything over the internet. It's all an internet download. It's all a digital download. So they got all this trouble of mailing me a box. Okay, Microsoft Office mails me a box. a box. I'm like, oh, this must be my equipment to download. I open it, and it's a box with a number in it. All they've done is typed, I'm like, you guys did all this packaging for a number printed on a sticker? Like, there's literally a box, like a box the size of like a man's wallet

for a number. And it was like folded and it had printing on it and it was like, I thought I I was about to open a new Rolex watch out of this box. I peel it open a number on a piece of paper. I'm like, okay, that doesn't seem cost-effective to me. Some of the nicest packaging I've ever seen for a piece of paper with a number. So anyways, I look at the number. No word of like 25 digits. 25 digits.

Apparently it's the key. It's called the key code number. And, of course, they don't print it very big, so the B looks like an 8, and the I looks like an L, and, you know, good Lord. I mean, it's hard enough to write a phone number, man, or a zip code. Suddenly I got 25, it's almost like I dug into an underground chamber in the desert where the pyramids are, and I'm down there with my pith helmet on and there's flies swarming around my head and I'm in an underground chamber

and I've got a flashlight and I'm reading hieroglyphics in Egyptian off the wall. I mean, that's how long this number is. 25 freaking digits of letters and numbers. It's like I feel like I should go into my office and launch a nuclear attack on North Korea. What are these nuclear codes?

Who needs, why do I need 25 digits to open up Microsoft Word to write a letter to my, my aunt? What the hell? What am I, what am I, some kind of a Bulgarian spy? What am I, like, cracking a Hitler's code? What am I sending Morse code? What the hell am I doing with all these numbers? What about three numbers? Five, two, nine.

How about that? Does that work for you? No, no, we need 25, damn it. Good Lord. That's just 25 more ways for me to bungle it up. So here I go. I type in, ooh, my 25 numbers. Surely this will work.

And, of course, I'll pick a one, your one easy step away. Just click download. Click. Nothing. Nothing shows up. So I try it again, and then this thing goes up, your equipment is not compatible with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, oh, you pissing me off. I put in 25 numbers and still nothing. I can see maybe if I put in 24 or 23, then abuse me. But 25 numbers, you owe me, you mother. So now I click it, there's a help button. It says, if you need assistance, click this button here, we'll be happy to help you. So I click it and it says, all of a sudden this menu comes up. Here are some commonly asked questions.

Click on the one. I'm like, oh, no, you're not. Oh, no, you're not. I'm not doing this dance. So I see a button right at those. It says, if you would like to communicate with someone right now, and I said, yes, I do. I just clicked and then more stuff. Well, have you tried?

I just wrote, can you please? I just need to talk to a human. And so I did that about three times. And suddenly, blip, some guy came on. Some guy named Carly or somebody. I'm like, oh, okay, thanks, buddy. Hey, what's up? Hey, here's what's your problem?

What's your, so he tries it and he can't do it. This is a guy who works for Microsoft Office. So he tries it again. It still does it. So what should have taken me a click of a button? and I'm now like 45 minutes in, and I'm starting to think, man, I should have just downloaded all that junk

from my old computer. Give me the Zika, give me the SARS, give me the Ebola. I'll take it. Just let me go back to bed. So this guy's having issues, and suddenly he writes me, goes, is it okay if I log into your computer from this end?

I promise I won't look at anything in your files, but is it all right if I take over your computer? I'm like, all of a sudden, like someone I don't even know, I don't even know what part of the world they're in. So I tell you, so I said, where are you? He goes, I'm in the Philippines. So I got some guy named Carly on a tropical island hacking into my computer while turtles are laying eggs on the beach.

The hell? And I'm just like, whatever. You know, you just roll over. over at that point. Yeah, you know what? Go into my computer. You know what? Here's my credit card number. I have a safe buried in my yard. Here's the combination. You know what? Well, you're at it, why don't you take my virginity? Do you need blood? Let me give you some blood. Can I buy your aunt or uncle a car? I know they're not doing so well. What's that? Oh, you need blood transfusions for your leukemia? Yeah, let me. I mean, good Lord. You just like, you just wanted to be over with. You're

willing to do anything. So now of a sudden I'm sitting there looking at my computer screen and this guy's taking it over from the Philippines and I can see my little mouse arrow moving around and he's moving stuff and I'm like, it's like my laptop's haunted. I'm watching someone like work my laptop from a tropical island where turtles lay eggs. And parrots eat seeds. I thought this was supposed to be the technological revolution. I thought we were all supposed to be computer savvy.

I got some guy under a grass hot. Well, parrots are cracking lima beans over his head. Well, I'm sitting here humiliated. I've just handed over the keys to my computer. This guy could look at anything. Could look at my will. Could look at my bank account. Could look at my intimate love letters to my...

lover. You can look at my propaganda on how I hate the Philippines. Joking. Don't really. But I just gave it up. I was like, go for it, dude. Like, how about her, bro? So this guy's whipping around in here?

Boom, still didn't get it. I'm like, oh my God. So then he goes, let me try it again. Dear Mr. Wilhams. Dear Sir Harlaude, you know, they never get your name right over there the Philippines so finally the guy does it again boom it happens and finally i'm in and i just write the guy go what the hell's the issue here man why why did this take what was

this so complicated goes oh well it's a new computer and there's you know things and the do so i just wrote it said hey thank you you're a good guy happy holidays and now i'm sitting around wondering if this guy's still in my computer. What happens when I start writing scripts, when I start writing stories, when I start sending pictures to my friends and family, when I start editing video, when I start writing down ideas to make a trillion dollars,

Carly is sitting there with a, you know, a coconut with a straw in it, some sea turtles making love at his feet, You know, parrot chewing coconut husks over his head. This guy's sitting there. How do I know he's not looking through the camera at me? Oh, that stupid idiot. I'm looking at that stupid idiot.

He's a Filipino with a Russian accent. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your digital. discount, and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I got my damn stuff done, but here's why I'm pissed off because it's never as easy as they say.

Is it, or is it just me? Am I just the dumbest? Do I have the worst luck? Am I the only one that has to go through this hell every single time? You go to download a program or upload a program or change your iTunes or it's just it's just never as easy as they profess. Why can't they just make it one freaking touch? It just says, are you Harlan Williams? Can we verify this credit card? Yes, yes. Okay, here's your new thing.

Have fun, you dumbass. We'll be in the Philippines if you need us. Good Lord So there you go That's why I'm pissed off Thank you for letting me get it off my chest Now let's enjoy Some holiday stories

Something really wrong is going on You're out of order You're out of order You're out of order Uh Harlan It's Roger Yeah Raj, what's up man Excuse me Harlan

You've got a phone call on line 8 okay listen put them through i don't care who it is i let up all that steam i got to talk to somebody who hello who do we have on the line hello the harland highway hello oh uh hello holland oh hello holland it's wally the elf from the north pole calling oh my god wally yes we're very busy you know every every year i try to give you a call and you know just see the you know you know Check in. Yes, yes, we love Todd. This is, ladies and gentlemen, this is Santa's top elf,

his number one elf. The Wally the Elp from the North Pole. I can hear the Elps working in the workshop, Wally. Pardon me? I said I can hear the Elps working in the background. Just a minute, Huck. Melvin! No, why would you put the tail on the face of the lion?

You know, who does that a dog? You know, who does that, Melvin? Someone who's been hit in the head with a sponge cake. Put the tail on its ass, you dummy. I'm sorry, hello, Holland. Yes, Melvin, wow, it sounds like you're in the thick of things up there. Well, you know, these elves every year, Holland, I mean, they're not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree. You know what I'm saying?

Well, maybe they're overwhelmed, Melvin. I mean, you're making millions and millions of toys. Well, that doesn't give them license to be dummies. I mean, I've got, you know, we're making wagons, we're making stuffed toys, we're making dolls, we're making balls, you name it. We're making it for them, those little bastards. I mean, kids. Yes, yes. And the population of the world just keeps going up, right, Wally?

Well, if everyone would stop fucking all night long, maybe there wouldn't be so many kids. I'm sorry, I shouldn't. Wally, uh, watch the language there, Wally. You're right, Holland. Hold on a second. Melvin! Melvin! No! No, you do. Get your finger out of the bottom of that doll. I told you not to put your fingers up. No. And take that pencil out. That's not a pencil holder. That's a doll's bottom.

Dumbie? I'm sorry. What did you say? No, I didn't say anything, Wally. I'm just, boy, I can hear you having a lot of stress in your voice up there. Well, it's not easy. I mean, you know, we're working all year for one night. You know, I don't know why Sandy Claus doesn't spread this bullshit out over, you know, a couple of months. I mean, we're talking about seven and a half billion people on this goddamn planet. And this fucking fat fuck wants to do everything in one day.

night. I mean, give me a goddamn break. Whoa, Wally, Wally, you're not sounding very Christmassy. Well, I'm sorry. I mean, you know, think about it. I mean, good Christ, seven billion fucking homes in one night. What are we, what the, and we don't even have a union for Christ's sake. Well, Wally, you know, you're in a very special place there. There's a lot of Elps, I think, would love to trade places with you just to be working for Santa. Oh, really? Well, can you send me their resumes?

Because I got... You know what, and if you know any down in Miami, or in the, you know, the coconuts or the Bahamas or something, send that fucking guy to me because I'd like to trade places with that ass, I'll let him come up here and swing a fucking hammer and put fucking rocking horses together and fucking child's furniture.

Oh, fuck me. Wally, please. Hold on, is it, Melbourne? It's the last time of it. I'm going to tell you, don't put the doll's eyes on the side of your face and pretend you're Franken Elf. And every year you do the Franken El routine and then you walk into the wall and someone gets electrocuted.

Now, dummy up, you're nut. Wally, maybe you need to take a coffee break or something. A coffee break. Are you fucking kidding me? You think I have time for a coffee break? Holy shit I'd have had time for a coffee break a fucking needle

have an epileptic elf seizure. You ever seen an elf have a seizure for Christ's sake, Holland? Yeah, well, the little leotod-covered legs kick around in the air with those little curly shoes on the tip, and the bells start jingling like a

couple of razor blades in a suicide festival, you know what I'm saying, Holland? What did you just say there, Wally? Hold on, Melvin. You pull up your pants, and don't you dare urinate on that? No, you're not urinating on the Lego set. Because you put it in the box and a crust forms on the Lego that I do. I will not have a child opening a Lego set with urine crust.

Elf urine crest nonetheless yet. Pull up your pants, Melvin. I'm sorry, what were you saying, Holland? Wally, boy, you're stressing me out. Just, just listening to you is, it's, uh, I mean... Well, it's just, this is the role I took in life, you know? When I first got off of the head elf, when, uh, you know, Charlie died, and I, I don't like to talk about it, but the fucking idiot, he fell into one of the reindeer's assholes, and reindeer was taking

of crap and Charlie was underneath that and got smothered by reindeer crap and we've got a big sign over by the reindeer. Do not back into this area. You know, most of us elves are what? We're like

a foot and a half, two feet high. You know, a deer turned landing on us is like a guy like you were standing underneath a rock slide or an avalanche, you know. It doesn't take much to knock us Hells out and suffocate us.

Oh, I didn't know that about Charlie. Well, that's how I ascended into power, if you must know. So here I am swinging the hammer, working my ass off, hoping I don't have an epileptic health seizure. Well, let's not use that term. It's very... Well, you've tried doing what I do, and then tell me what words to use, their Shakespeare, okay? Well, don't get bitter and angry with me. Well, you know, it's not easy with these arms.

I got Melvin over here. And, oh, look at this. Would you fucking look at this? Unbelievable. Holy shit. Come on. No, get off it there. You're not supposed to be humping the stuffed teddy bear.

Yeah, stop humping. Oh, my God. He's fucking guys. He's humping a teddy bear. Are you kidding me? Some kids got to have that under the treat them in a few weeks. And if you stand it up, I'm telling you, you're not getting your sugar plum fairy cookies.

Get the hell off that. Unbelievable. Come on. I'm sorry, what? Listen, now, Wally, it sounds like you got a lot on your plate out there. Listen, we appreciate you here at the Harlan Highway calling in. we love hearing from you it always sets i guess sets us up for christmas well what's that mean you didn't you didn't sound very sure there holland no it's it's just

maybe we can do another call before christmas because it sounds like you know you're it sounds like you're not in the best mood and we want to keep things cheering oh look at you what are you a psychiatrist no i'm just saying uh you know why don't we do another call and another week or so. Maybe we can sing some carols. Here's a carol for you. Someone give me a fucking holiday, or I'm going to have an health epileptic seizure. How about that, you son of a bitch? All right, we're going to get going here, Wally. Thanks for the call. Let's check in in a week. Yep, I'm still alive for fucks sakes. Goodbye. Melvin. Stop it. Get that carrot out of

your ass. Oh, my God. Oh, All right. God! Wow. Poor Wally, the head elf up at the North Pole. I always feel like it's going to be Christmasy and fun. And then he kind of stresses... Is he gone? Good. Because I was saying, he kind of stresses me out a bit. You know, you don't want to hear all that. That, that, that, uh, kind of, I don't know if I don't know if It's anger or just stress. But let's all just calm down, man. Christmas is a time to be peaceful, relax.

Calm down. Is that how you guys are at Christmas? Do you find Christmas a time where you can just let everything go and put your feet up and have a nice hot apple cider and watch children open presents and watch the snow falling outside? Or are you like, oh my God, I know where I got it? I got to get more presents. I got to go shopping.

I got to do this. I got to do this. I'm going crazy. Oh, I forgot to. I got to go to this Christmas party. I got to drive here. I got to drive there. Oh, did I send my cards?

Oh, lo, lo, lo, lo, la. I mean, there's some people that just hate Christmas, but not us. Not here. Not at the Harland Highway, I'll tell you. And next week, oh, my God. Next week, we have a very special Christmas episode. You're going to love this. Do you remember that movie, a Christmas story?

Did you see that movie? If you haven't seen it, it's such a fun Christmas movie. It's called A Christmas Story. And put it in your DVR and record it because this thing is so charming and cute and funny as hell. And it's kind of timeless. And it was filmed in Cleveland, Ohio. And some guy bought the house that the movie was filmed in way back in the 80s. He bought the house, and he redid it so that it's exactly how it was in the movie,

in a Christmas story. And so you can go and visit this house. You can pay to go in and go on a tour and actually be in the Christmas story house. I did it. I was in Cleveland a couple of weeks ago, and I did it, and I'm going to tell you all about it. on the next podcast and play you some cool stuff, some inside info on the movie and just share the experience with you. Very Christmassy.

And who knows, maybe Wally the head elf will even be listening in and it'll put them a little more in the mood. And speaking of In the Mood, we want to keep the Christmas carols going. And we'll end the show today with another naughty Christmas carol from Rudy Kassoni, a.k.a. Toby Hoss, my actor friend,

who put together this great album called Snowballs, and it's full of his own, very own, naughty, dirty Christmas carols. And every time of year I like to play these. And so we're going to lay some down for you. We've already played two in previous podcasts. So here's a third one. And it's naughty and nasty.

And it's called Christmas. stuffing, and I think we all know what the Christmas stuffing is. Take it away, Rudy Kisone. flighting crowds at the mall I get back home You say now Trim the tree But under those branches

There's no trim for me Ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, oh Oh I said a chill baby My ass is a block of ice I'm gonna be crapping cubes And that's putting it nice

My nuts flew north They get warm in my chest Hope you didn't it me another Christmas fest The only present I want muffin is you by the fire huffing and huffin are giving me some of your Christmas stuffing. It's an old family recipe. Meena Reiki potatoes. I had to fight abroad over your new mink coat before they wrapped it up the broad punch me in a throat

For all of my work what do I get back couple new neckties for last year's tie rack How about next year you shop and I stay home you grow brave the crowds I'll wait here and I'll put on a dress and some nice lipstick when you get back. Guess what? You ain't a getting dick. The only present I want muffin is you by the fire, huffet, and puffing are giving me some of your own Rudy Christmas stuffing. There you go. A little Christmas stuffing for you. I hope all of you get some delicious, wonderful, nice warm.

Christmas stuffing this year. Is there anything better than a good old Christmas stuffing? Ha! Like I said, that's... Toby Haas in his alter ego Rudy Kassoni great actor, artist, photographer

good buddy we did some movie work together and you can pick up his album that's called Rudy Kassoni Snowballs it's a album available online look around on

on Yahoo look around on Amazon eBay. Just Google it. You'll find it. All kinds of great fun songs on there. So we'll play some more of those as we get closer to Christmas. And thanks to Toby for letting us play his songs on the show. It is an honor and a pleasure. And I think we close it out right there. I mean, it doesn't get any better than Christmas stuffing, right, gang? No, no, it does not. It certainly does not. But let's talk about some other fun stuff that's going on, shall we?

Yes, we shall. We certainly shall, Harland. I don't have any more stand-up shows this year. I'm at the end. So I'm going to get a few weeks off here just to chill out and enjoy Christmas. So the only real announcements are, it's like, hey, if you want to call in and talk Christmas, stuff or you want to talk anything else. You can phone me 323-739-433-30.

3-2-3-7-39-4-3-30. You can write to me at harlomomwiliams.com. And next show, I'm going to tell you about a new feature on my website that I think you're all going to like. I think you'll like. I think you'll enjoy looking at. So hang tight for that. But you can write me at the website,

and you can also order merchandise from the store, makes good Christmas presents. Probably have to have your order in no later than this Friday, December the 16th. Anytime after that, I cannot guarantee your order gets to you before the big day. So be warned, you're cut off the 15th or the 16th is kind of the day.

I would even say the 15th. That way I can get stuff in the mail to you guys. on the 16th, which is the Friday. So let's say the 15th is your cutoff day for Harland Highway merch at Harlanwilms.com. Don't forget to download our free app on your cell phone, the Harland Highway. Just type it in in your app store,

and you'll get it absolutely free. The 50 most current episodes are yours for free. And if you become a premium member for only $20 a year, my God, You get over 800 episodes of the Harlan Highway. That's right, I said, $800 for $20. And you get bonus features, you get bonus interviews, you get bonus stand-up comedy, you get all kinds of bonus stuff.

Now, that being said, I don't put the bonus stuff out every day or every week, but there's enough coming in a year to keep you happy, trust me, and keep you covered. plus the 800 backlogged episodes so you can listen for months and months and years and never run out and we appreciate all you premium members thank you so much for signing up I hope you're having fun with it

and it is very generous of you to help out the podcast with your membership so thank you thank you thank you and that's it man we're going to wrap it up having a great holiday and we look forward to seeing you the next time and until then chicken chameen with stuffing baby and if you stand it up i'm telling you you're not getting your sugar

plum fairy cookies