The Harland Highway - 831 - NEW YEARS EMPOWERMENT! Boy George calls in. Sex crank calls!

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Harland talks about doing GREAT things in 2017. BOY GEORGE calls to discuss George Michael's death. Sex prank calls. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, here we go. Happy New Year. Happy 2017. First podcast of 2017. For those of you that don't know what that means, that's 2017. You're on the Harlan Highway. I'm Harlan Williams. So excited to have you here. Today we're going to talk about the new year. I'm going to give you some homework for the new year right out of the gate. Wait, you hear this. I'm going to be like a taskmaster today. But hopefully it's all for the sake of. of doing good for yourselves and for the world. Also, some really fun crank calls today. We're going to call a sex shop and get a little naughty. I'm going to go into Roger's sound booth,

and we're going to take some calls in there and mess around with people calling to Roger. And then, as you know, sadly, George Michael passed away on Christmas Day, and we were able to get our hands on Boy George, another 80s pop icon rock star. And Boyd George is going to call in and share his thoughts on the passing of his pal George Michael. Very, very sad. Hopefully Boyd George can illuminate us, help us as we go through the grieving process. And oh yeah, some brand new titles for the new year.

Here they are. This is The Harland. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did.

Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall. Oh, maine, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. magnificent performance. This is the Harlan Highway. I hate you.

Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Yeah. Come on now. Here we go. It's a new year. Happy New Year, everybody.

2017 can you believe it oh my god ohmg ohmg oh my god ohmg oh my god ohmg in this crazy 2017 we're coming up on 2020 pretty soon wow i wonder what kind of new weird freaky stuff will have this year outside of the new title sequence how about that do you like the new uh harland highway intro title sequence I hope so. I think it's kind of fun. Always get excited when we do new titles. I saved it just for the new year.

I thought it would be great to spring it on you guys, the first podcast of the year. Just to, you know, spice things up a little. Happy New Year. We're going to have fun this year. It's going to be a crazy nutty year. new president. We have a new world. We have new things happening. We have new threats. We have new good things. We have new bad things. We have new unexpected things. Things we don't even know are

coming. Maybe they find life on another planet this year. Maybe, you know, somebody goes to war that we didn't expect to go to war. Maybe somebody does something crazy. I mean, of course, people are going to be born and people are going to die. And it's kind of daunting, but it's fun. It's what makes life exciting, right? And what about you, my faithful pavement pounders? Have you got plans for this year? I hope so. I'm going to encourage you right out of the gate. Right out of the gate. I'm going to say to you, set some goals, set some positive ambitions. Here's what I want you to do, because here's what I'm doing, okay? Here's your homework.

First day of the year, your homework. I want you to make a list, not a grocery list, not a laundry list. I want you to make a list of accomplishments. That's right. They can be as big or as small as you want it. They could be cleaning out the garage. It could be getting a new job. It could be writing a novel.

It could be finishing a marathon. But I want you to write a list. It has to be minimum of three things. Minimum of three, maximum of six. Or you can go as maximum as you want. But a minimum of three things, I want you to write it down with a Sharpie. I want it to be big and bold and in your face. I want you to write one dot, two, dot, three, dot, and writing big capital letters, I will do this.

All right, I want you to write one marathon, two, novel, three, build a barn, whatever your ambitions are. And I want you to tape it right on your fridge, right smack dab on your fridge, right in the middle. So every time you open that fridge, there it is. and you're right in the eye. And you may think, I'm not going to do that. Why would I do that? My fridge is going to look crummy. It's going to mess up my beautiful stainless steel fridge.

Well, I don't care. I want to see you guys do some stuff this year. Not that you don't. But I want you to make some definitive choices this year. I want you to push yourselves. I want you to be proud of yourself at the end of the year. I want you to put down three big goals for yourself. And hopefully you get all three.

But even if you accomplish one, well, then that's something good. And make it something big, something out of the box. Don't, you know, don't make, well, I'll clean out the garage. No, that doesn't push you. That's not pushing you mentally. That's not pushing you physically. That's not pushing you spiritually. I want you to do something that's going to take some work, some efforts, some giving it.

I need you to put the pedal to the metal, and I want you to, and I'm saying this for you because I want you guys to accomplish something, something you've been putting off, something that's important to you, something that can help define your life, your meaning, your existence of being on planet Earth, your legacy, your future, your past, whatever it is. Does that sound fair? And I'm going to do it too. I'm going to do it too.

Believe me, I'm going to do it. I'm probably going to put six down because I'm an overachiever. But I'm definitely going to put three. And for those of you that think your slouches and you don't, well, I don't have any ideas in my head. I mean, what would I want to do possible? Well, if you don't have something, think of something.

All right? Yes, I'm scolding you. Dig Deep. Go back to when you were a young kid in high school, when you were 18, and you said, You know, someday I'm going to write a novel. Someday I'm going to write a play. Someday I'm going to sing a song. Someday I'm going to be a track and field star.

Someday, well, that someday is now. And I want you to find it. And I want you to accomplish it. and I want you to feel good about it and be proud of it and whether the world beats a path to your doorstep or only if you do it just for you and you're the only one that knows

at least at the end of 2017 you can go man I feel good oh I did it I finally did it you can do a Charles Nelson Riley cheer does that sound cool there you go A little pep talk to start the year. You're right at the beginning.

Right at the very beginning. And then at the end of the year, I hope all you pavement pounters will phone me and say, you know what, Holland? I don't really like you. I don't like your podcast. But that thing you said at the beginning of the, it got me thinking.

And I think you're a douchebag, but I did it anyways. And you know what? I did it. I wrote my first novel or whatever it was. I went to Europe and I took pictures of statues. I've always wanted to do that. And I'm not looking for any thanks at the end of the year. I'm looking just for you to thank yourself for doing it.

We only live once and the clock's always ticking and you don't want to be laying on your deathbed and holding your kid's hand and saying, you know what, Johnny, I always wished I had gone to, Italy and learned how to go to cooking school, Johnny. That's something I never did, but I want you to do it for me. Right? Time waits for no man or woman.

So do it. Put three things on a list in Sharpie right up on your fridge this year. All of you. Not sunny. The one I see you. I hear the ones rolling their eyes. I hear the one Well, I don't even have a fridge

Well, go out and buy one I want all of you Each and every one of you Not one of you goes through the cracks On this podcast, all of you This is the year to get motivated And then do those things Or at least one of them

And at the end of the year I better hear from some of you I want to hear I want to hear that you took that sharpie You'd throw that beautiful black ink and put a line right through some of the items on your list. Just that squeaking ink. You crossed out the to-do things on your big list.

Oh, that's going to feel good. And it could be something insurmountable. It could seem huge. It could seem daunting at the beginning of the year. But you can do it. I believe in you. I believe in you. Please believe in you too

Everyone listening We're a group here Everyone listening We all believe in each other We're in this together We're a group We're a group of overachievers this year For once

Come on, gang Right? Good There, I got that out of my system Now let's kick the year off With some good good old comedy How about a good old crank call I always have fun when I make crank calls to sex shops.

Let's start the year, sexy. Roger, cue it up. We're crank calling a sex shop. Come on. Hello. Hello. Pleasures. Hi, how are you today?

I'm fine. Hey, do you guys carry the artificial vaginas down there? We do. Great, great. What's the widest one you have? Oh, you know, we have so many different ones, you know. It's so hard to say. It's just we've got quite a fit of choices from those.

Because I'm, you know, I don't want to get too personal, but I'm wide. I'm very, like, I'm not that long, but I'm really wide. And I don't want to get my meat into one and rip it. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. I mean, it's so hard to, I mean, because we have, like, so many different ones that stretches with the material or whatever. So I would hate to save you out. You need to, I mean, you have to come check since there's such a variety of them.

Well, let me ask you, this might cut to the chase. Like, do you have a tennis ball there? Like, could you shove a tennis ball into one and just let me know if it doesn't rip? And then that's kind of my wheelhouse. Okay, then, you know, since I'm a little busy right now, if you call me back within probably 30 minutes, I can probably go look around and see what I can. Oh, great. You'd be able to shove a tennis ball in a vagina for me.

Yeah, I mean, if I can find something, like I'll, we don't have a tennis ball around here. I mean, I could kind of at least get an idea. Maybe a stapler. I don't know what yet. What do you have there? You could shove in. You know, dude, I got to say I would have to take time and really look around to see. What size of your shoes maybe?

My shoes is a 10 and a half. Maybe that. Could you shove one of your shoes in a vagina? You know, I could try to see. Like I say, right now, I'm really busy, and I'm the only one here at the moment. But as soon as I get the moment, I go see what I can find. Okay. I'll let you.

I just, what kind of shoe is it? And then I'll let you go. I just wondered what kind of? Leather dress shoe. Leather dress shoe and just stuff it in the vagina. Great, great. Okay. Half an hour?

Oh, that's fine. All right. Thank you so much. Sure. Oh, God. Good Lord. A leather shoe. I should have called them back and made them follow through.

Oh, my goodness. What a fun way to start the year with that one, right? Good night, Nellie, Frat. Oh, and speaking of singers, boy, you know, as you know, we lost George Michael, the singer who used to phone the show a number of times a year, and we had a bit of a contentious relationship, you know, he was a little, he had a personality, let's say that much. You guys heard him. He was sometimes hard to deal with. I had to talk to him a lot. I think he got lonely and you like to phone the podcast. and boy, oh boy, we're all sad about his passing, but we wanted to get feedback from someone in the music world, and we were actually able to track down another George.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So do we have them on the line, Roger? Yeah, we got Boy George from the Culture Club on the line and let's take a call and just talk to him about the passing of Boy George. Put him through. Here we go. This could be emotional. Put him through, roge uh hello boy george are you there sir hello harland yes is that you hello yes it's me how are you hello boy how are you um right out of the gate hall and let's make it clear that uh it's

Boy, George. It's not just, it's not boy, it's not George, it's boy George. Okay, George, so listen. Hello, Holland. I think I just said to you, it's boy, George, they go together. Okay, listen, let's talk about the passing of someone I'm sure you knew from the industry, someone you were close to, George Michael. I mean, how is the music world reacting to his sudden death dying at the age of 53?

It's very unsettling, Holland. It was Christmas Day, I was at home, and, you know, word came through from one of our, we had a mutual record producer at Don Waste, who worked over Appalced Records here in the United Kingdom. We both at different times in our careers, we'd done albums together with Don, and he called me up, and I was just devastated. I mean, I was sitting in the kitchen having a cup of tea, and it was just heartbreaking, really, because, you know, he was only 53 years old, and he was such a charismatic man.

He was such a brave man, such a talent, talented man. You know, George, you said everything right. Harlan, I'm going to say it again. It's boy George. All right, it's not just George. It's not just boy. It's boy, George. I seem to remember you did this a lot with George Michael.

I'm sorry. My apologies. I just, I get, I'm just used to saying one name, and I'm not used to saying, two names together. Hello? Well, I'm not going to play this game, Arland. I mean, you know, it's boy, George.

All right, I got it. I'm sorry, boy. I'm sorry? I said I'm sorry, boy. George! Okay? Now, you're starting to get me temperature rising a bit here, Ireland. It's boy fucking George, all right? Oh, got it, got it. I'm sorry, I'm just, if you can give me a minute to catch my breath here,

I'm still reeling over the death of George Michael, I'm still in shock, I'm still grieving. Well, we're all grieving, Holland, aren't we? I mean, we've lost, the world's lost a true artist. The world's lost a true pioneer. He's, he's a wonderful, talented man, and he's, he breaks my heart in 5,000 different places. Yeah, I mean, have you got any feedback from any other musicians that you work with or you've rubbed shoulders with? Well, I have talked to Elton. Oh, Elton, John? That's right. And, you know, Elton was very close with, you know, George Michael.

And he's heartbroken. He's laid up in bed. He hasn't, you know, he doesn't really want to talk to anybody. He's just, he's really heart-stricken. with this sudden passing of his talented friend. Oh, my God. You know, it was a rough year. It was 2016.

We lost David Bowie. We lost Prince. We lost George Michael. I mean, it's just a really painful year for musicians dying. Isn't that right, boy? Boy? Are we going to play this game all day, Holland? I'm sorry.

What did I say? bro fucking George alright now I'm not going to get upset I understand you're craving but I'm not going to take any more of your phone calls

if if you're going to play this name game with me Harland I'm terribly sorry I'm so distracted right now I just I will not play this game I would love it if you were You know, maybe you can pick up where George Michael left off.

You could call the show. You could, you know, be our eyes and ears to the music industry in the United Kingdom. Hello? Well, I'm not going to play the game, Ireland. I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to call you now and then. But I'm not going to play the game. No, no, I'm sorry.

Once my head clears, once I'm through the window, of this grieving process, I will be fine. There'll be no miscommunication between us. So we would love it. Are you clean, by the way, because I know you went through your own round of heroin addiction and drinking and... Here we go.

Here we go now. It's just where we're going? No, I'm just asking because it's ironic that George Michael kind of went down a similar path, and he was... Okay, look. Harland, I'm poor George, and George Michael was George Michael. Yes, okay?

I've had my mishap. I've had my missteps. I've had my run-ins with heroin and the needle. I've had my run-ins with alcoholism and homosexuality. And, you know, I'm just... Well, a lot of similarities, actually, between you and George Michael. And you even share part of the same name. George hello I'm not I'm not taking the bait harland I'm not I'm not going it's boy

fucking George see now look you you you pulled me into it and I'm not going to I'm not playing it no I do please I'm grieving boy George there I said it well it's about time because that's about seven times you've done it Okay? And you're not the only one grieving, Holland. I'm grieving too. I worked with George Michael. I'm an artist. I played music with him. Did you ever hear our song, Feed the World Up, the African AIDS Christmas Carol Island? Oh, yes. That was a huge hit in America as well. Well, if you listen, me and George Michael are singing on it together. So I know you're grieving, but I'm grieving even harder. I'll die. Yes, I'm sure you are, George.

Okay, that's your fuck you, you fucking asshole. I... Whoa. Well, Roger? I meant to say boy George. Oh, God. Oh, you know, maybe we... Maybe we don't want to open this can of worms.

Maybe... Is he gone? Oh, God. You know, maybe it's for the better that he hung up. Good Lord. He's gone. Okay, but maybe we don't want another guy with two names.

You know, why can't we just have like Neil Young or Bruce Springsteen? Maybe I'm not good with remembering the double name, the George Michael, the boy George, George of the jungle, Curious George. I'm not good with the double Georges. So maybe let's make that a one-off call. And we won't start up again with a new British singing celebrity that it's probably just going to lead to problems.

So that was a one-off call. And I'm glad we were able to get a perspective from Boy George on George Michael. George on George action. Well, I don't mean it like that, but just, and, you know, we'll leave it there. Thank you for hooking us up, Roger. and let's move on. Let's switch gears to something more fun. You know, hey, Roger, how about this, Roger?

From time to time, I go into Rogers booth. And in November, it was, was it November or October? It was your birthday. And I remember, Roger played me this thing this morning when I walked in. I guess one time when I was in Rogers' control room there, you know, we have people calling the show and somebody called the show to talk to Roger, and Roger, just for fun, had me pick it up,

and I just messed with the guy calling in to Rogers' control booth. Can we play that phone call, Roger? I think that'll be a fun thing for the listeners to hear. Remember that when I started messing with that guy? Yeah, cool. Okay, here we go. This is me and Roger's control booth messing with someone calling in to ask him a question about the podcast.

Here we go. Hello. Hello. And who's this is? Oh, this is Dave. I'm filling in today. How are you? Pretty good.

I tried to get a hold of Roger the last two or three days to wish him happy birthday. Yesterday was the 10th. It was a birthday. He told me like two months ago, the 10th. I told him mine was the 20th of October. How about last night? What do you think at 11 p.m., 11.11 p.m. on the 11th day of the 11th month.

Oh, yeah. So you know what? Roger's not here anymore. He got a job over at the Chips-A-Hoy plate. You know, do you eat Chips-A-Hoy cookies? Yeah, now and then. It's been a while. Yeah, he got a job over at Chips-A-Hoy.

He's the, I guess they had an opening for the chip counter. No, you got to be kidding. No, no, when the cookies come off the belt, they have to make sure. I think they put 14 chocolate chips in each cookie, and he's the new chip counter, I guess. So he has to check a cookie now and then? No, he has to check all of them. Just count the chips and... he just wanted to change try all damn day and the phone's always busy it's hard sometimes when

roger was there because he has to do uh bits and pieces and stuff like that well speaking of bits and pieces over at chips a hoy he's looking for all those chocolate bits and pieces he got me freaking out i can't believe he would be the station i know we were all surprised but he's see you know roger he's he's a math guy he loves numbers he loves counting and i'm that way too that's how i came up with 11-11 on the last month, 11 day, and out. Right. At the 16th year, that's 9-1s in a row. That's 9-1.

Let me ask you this. Do you have any chocolate chip cookies in the house? No, I don't. I usually get chips-ahoy. You got anything with, like, chips or anything in the house? We can count. No. You got any mint chocolate chip ice cream in the house?

No, that's my buddy right here likes a lot, Steve-o. What do you got? You got anything with something in it? We need to... I just got thin, man. is all I got right now. Thin mint. All right, here's what I want you to do.

Can you put one on the table? Just put one on the table. Get my 12-foot measuring tape and see how thick it is. Just put it on the coffee. Where are you in the kitchen? I'm sitting at the coffee table right now. Put it on the coffee table. All right.

Put it down flat. Yep. Now curl your fist up and just give it one smash. Just one. Just pop it. Can you do that for me? Yep. Okay, give it one.

smash. I see some mint coming through the cookie bleeding out. Okay, did you smash it yet? Yeah, I smashed it. It's mostly to my left is where the mint shows through. The right didn't get smashed as evenly. All right, here's what I want you to do with. I want you to count the pieces now that you've smashed it. How many pieces did it come out? One, two, three, four, five, six pieces, seven pieces on the top. Seven? Dude, not good news. You're going to be hit by a truck tomorrow. Whoa. You sound Mike Rogers will you talk. All right, well, listen, I got to get going. I got to go to the bathroom.

I just ate a whole Jimmy John submarine sandwich sideways, and my bowels are about to blow up like a killer whale at a fucking mafia festival. Two men chips. We'll talk to you soon. What's your name? Tommy Tingle Buns. Tommy TingleBuns.

You're great. We'll see you later, bro. All right, brother. Take care. That guy, man. I can't believe he smashed a thin, on his coffee table for me. Such dedication.

Such a, such a, oh. So that was fun. I snuck into Rogers' sound booth and maybe we'll do that again. Maybe we'll do another one of those in the future and the days to come. But I think that's a much more positive, upbeat way to end the first show of the year. We're not dealing with the, you know, boy George being angry at us and so on and so forth, right? So once again, happy new year, everybody. And I hope you have a great year.

And don't forget to put that list up on your fridge. I'm holding you accountable. And I want to make sure you guys get something really cool done this year that you've always wanted to get done, okay? And that'll be awesome. So let's have a great year, 2017. Let's kick it off with a first. few announcements here.

My first stand-up comedy gigs of the year are coming up. Always exciting to do that first show of the year. I'll be in West Palm Beach, Florida, at the improv. What a beautiful city. What a beautiful club. West Palm Beach. That'll be January 19th to the 22nd. Okay?

January 19th to the 22nd, West Palm Beach. And then the following weekend, I shoot across back to the West Coast to Tacoma, Washington, the Tacoma Comedy Club. That's January 26 to the 28th, a great, great comedy club if you're on the West Coast. And then Johnny Goodnights in North Carolina, February 9th to the 12th. Look at that. I'm just going from coast to coast to coast. What's the matter with me?

At least I'm getting some airline miles, right? Good night. So there you go. Check out Harlan Williams.com. While you're there, you can contact me on the contact list. Or you can call me 323-739-43330 and leave a voicemail. If you'd rather do that, 3-2-3-739-43-30. And, you know, leave me your thoughts.

and it's going to be a fun year. I have a lot of fun things happening this year. I'm hoping to put out a new comedy special that's going to surprise a lot of you. It's going to be another very unusual comedy special. My new TV show is set to launch. It looks like it might have gotten moved up to April. Once I have a firm confirmation date,

I'm going to fill you guys in on the show. This show is going to play in 145, 150 countries all over the world. Are you kidding me? This is going to be a crazy show that's seen everywhere on the planet. I'm very excited about it. I know I haven't told you much about it, but I will fill you in more as we get closer to the date. And all kinds of good things.

And one of my personal things, you know, I started a science fiction novel since we're talking about getting things done. The top of my to-do list for 2017 is I started a science fiction. novel years ago. And I've been working on it here and there. I think I'm up to like 250 pages or something ridiculous. And I haven't finished it. And I want to finish it this year. That's part of my mission this year is to finish that darn novel. So that's a big ambitious thing I'm putting on my to-do list right on my fridge. So let's see if you guys can match it with something

big and ambitious for you. And that's it. Happy New Year, everybody. I know I've said it a million times, but I really mean it. I want you to have a great year. And we're going to have lots of fun here at the Harland Highway podcast. Lots of fun guests, lots of comedy, lots of commentary, lots of thought-provoking stuff. And that's it for today. First show of 2017.

Thanks for being here. Tell your friends. And until next time, Chicken, Chalming, baby. I'm not taking the bait, Harland. I'm not going, it's boy fucking George! See, now look, you pulled me into it, and I'm not going to, I'm not playing it.