The Harland Highway - 835 - SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads romantic letter. Crazy words and crazy celebrities.

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Samuel E. Quoke drops in to read a romantic letter. Crazy word mix ups and crazy political celebrities. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, groovy, baby. Groovy! Welcome to the Harland Highway, which is always groovy, I think, I hope. I am your host, Harland Williams, here at the Harland Highway. Thank you for being here. We have a great show for you today, but don't we always? Today, I've got to lay in a little bit to all these actors. I'm just sick of the actors that keep doing these public service and messages on TV and trying to tell us how. to think and how to be political and who to vote for and oh my god it's just making me sick so i'm going to comment on that towards the end of the show um also a weird thing i don't know you remember the SARS epidemic there's a weird thing going on at the airports that's getting me a little freaked out a little creeped out so i'm going to talk about that because it's getting under my skin, almost literally, and it's weird.

And then, you know, to help us get through the cold, cold, cold winter that we're currently immersed in, a very, very wonderful writer, flowery romanticist, will be here, Samuel E. Quoak, with some of his heartwarming, soul-warming, letters, and musings. He will read them out loud to hopefully put a little warmth in our hearts during this cold time of the year. So let's go. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go

down the Harlan Highway. No! No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-a-chic-cha, chica-chic-a-ch-chall. Maine, baby. And the creature run on us, baby. Please don't stop. God have been an ugly face. Magnificent performance.

This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Oh, yeah. Here we go now. Okay, so, as you know,

We are entering into that time of year where everyone just like, oh, God, it's so cold and rainy and snowy and wintery. And, you know, most of the country is suffering through the humdrums and doldrums of the emerging and existing winter. And we still got, like, you know, all of February to go and three quarters of March. Oh, God.

And so my producers, and, maybe this was a good idea, but I don't know. I'm a little skeptical, but my producers thought, you know, why don't we bring in a friend of the show, Samuel E. Quouk, who is, he's titling himself a romantic storyteller, a poet, a writer, a novelist. I mean, this guy, he has very flowery, romantic writings, and we thought maybe, maybe, you know, having him read one of his romance stories would lift your spirits, warm us all up inside. I'm a bit skeptical.

I'm going to have a word with him before we get going just to make sure he's on the right track. And we'll have him read one of his romantic tales to us. Send him in, Roger. Okay, Roger's going to get Samuel E Quowke. send them in, and in a few minutes we'll hear from him. But in the meantime, I want to talk about this. It's kind of a weird story, but it's something that's been kind of on my mind. And I don't know if any of you have experiences, you know, during the holidays, traveling,

going through airports. And it's freaking me out a little bit, but I've noticed like, you know, I spend much of the year of my life. in airports. Okay, I travel, I go do my stand-up comedy shows, I'm here, I'm there. And do you remember, like, years ago there was that whole, like, SARS thing, the whole SARS epidemic. And everyone was freaking out that they're going to get SARS. It was like an airborne virus or something.

It came from birds or something like that. And so what happened is a lot of people started wearing, like, like these SARS masks. They were like, they're like a surgeon's mask. You put it over your mouth and nose, and it's like a cloth thing. It looks like you'd see a dental assistant or a dental hygienist wear or someone in surgery. I guess they're used to filter the air or whatever. And in particular, the Asian population started wearing them a lot, I noticed, in the airports.

And then the SARS thing kind of went away. but a lot of Asian people wearing the SARS masks hasn't. And so now I'll be trucking through the airport and I'll see like an Asian person here, an Asian person there, and it's only the Asians, at least that I've seen. I mean, I look around for black people, Indian people, white people, Latino people, any type of other culture or race, and I haven't seen it. But every time I go to the airport almost, I see an Asian person with the SARS mask on. And I'm thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's like freaking me out a bit.

In my head, I'm like, do they know something? We don't know? Is there something still going on? Is the SARS thing still like a dealio? Like, why are they wearing a SARS mask in the airport? Clearly, they're worried about some form of contamination from, is it me? Is it the guy beside me? Is it all of us collectively?

And so there's two elements to the SARS mask thing with the Asian people. I'm thinking, okay, A, as I said, do they know something that we don't know? And then B, the other part of the equation is I kind of take it personally. I'm like, wait a minute. How come only the Asians are wearing this? It's almost like in my head, I go, well, we don't want to breathe the same air as the rest of all you other cultures. You know, we're Asians.

We want our air pure. We don't want the essence of other races inside of us. You know, we're going to filter out your skin molecules and your skin flakes, and we can't breathe the same air you breathe. And so now I'm thinking to the Asian people have a case of air snobbery against the rest of us, which is absolutely ridiculous and pathetic, but, you know, when you see one certain race of people doing something and no one else is, you can't help but take it a little personally.

And so I get a little bit offended. I'm going, wait a minute, is that, what's with that person? Why, why they got the SARS mask on? And no one else does. What, they don't, they don't like me. They don't, they don't like the way I smell. They think I got something, man. Is that what this is all about?

Right? It's really weird. It just feels like an out-of-date thing. And I just get weirded out that it's one culture. Like it could be the Chinese. It could be blacks. It could be whites. It could be North American Indians for all I care.

But when one group of people do it, it just, there's something weird going on. You know, like what if all of a sudden like all black people were walking around the airport in hazmat suits? And the rest of us were just. standing there going, wait a minute, what's with the, what's with the contamination free hazmat suit? Are we missing something here? Am I, am I not seeing something? Wait a second. So I don't know, man. I don't know how many Asian listeners I have on the Harlan Highway, but if somebody knows something, like if there's a SARS Part 2 headed our way or something's Like, let us in on it, man.

But in the meantime, if there's nothing going on, just maybe a note from the rest of us, relax, man. Chill out. Share the air. Okay? Just breathe, man. Nobody's got nothing, okay? It's just a little. It's spooking me.

It's freaking me out, man. You're freaking me out. So there you go. Just I'm putting it out there. I don't know if anyone else has seen this or experienced this. If they have, let me know. But I just don't like it. So there you go.

SARS 2. Anyways, let me end the SARS ramp because our guest just walked in the door. He's, hello, hi. Come on in. This way, this way. It's Samuel E. Quowke. He's going to read some romantic letters for us to help us get through the cold, to take our minds off the slushy, stormy, snowy, chilly winter.

Here he comes, here he is. Samuel E. Quowk, how are you today, sir? I'm very good, thank you very much. Well, have you brought some letters to read? Yes, I have, as a matter of fact, and I'm not sure that I appreciate the tone of your voice. Well, it's just I... If I'm being honest, Mr. Quowke, yes.

If I'm being honest, I sometimes find that your romantic letters, quote-unquote, often kind of go off track and suddenly they're not that romantic. Well, if you think you can produce more romantic letters than the ones I pen, may you have it, sir? Now, don't get defensive on me, Samuel. I mean, I'm just saying if you could kind of. to stick to the flowery romantic side of your writings. I think our listeners would appreciate I would ask you not to censor me or tell me how to do my own penmanship, sir.

Okay, well, I'm just saying this is how I feel. That's why I don't book you on the show as much, because if you don't mind, I'd like to get started, sir. You're sounding a little long-winded. Oh, well, excuse me, Samuel E. Quowke, you're very very very. You're very Very excused, sir. Oh, okay, I'm excused from my own show, if needs be, sir. All right, read your... What's your romantic letter about this time? I'm glad you finally asked me, sir.

Watch it, Quoak. This is a romantic letter I wrote when I took an Amazon journey in South America with my beloved Genevieve. We took a wooden paddle boat. down the length of the Amazon River with all its tropical plants, its wild animals, its flowers, its fish, its amphibians, its reptiles, just a wild jungle of a place. Okay, yes, I've heard that the Amazon is quite... Do you mind if I read my letter, sir?

Okay, I was just adding to... I don't need your add-on, sir. Wow, okay, excuse me, Quoak. Thank you very much. Okay, go ahead. Read your flowery romance letter, but when you and Genevieve... Genevieve took a paddleboat down the Amazon.

Yes, thank you very much. Your long-winded introduction is almost as long as the Amazon River itself, sir. Read your letter. Thank you very much. My dearest Genevieve. Oh, it has been so long since we first stepped inside the paddle boat and went to drift down the Amazon River like two leaves riding on the tide. Both of us stood on the bow, the warm tropical air blowing across our skin, across our faces, the sun warming us to the bone. and all around us colorful tropical parrots flying and squawking in the air

fish jumping breaking the surface of the river and a feel of excitement and adventure in both our hearts and souls a look of true true true are you trying to say something excuse me well it sounded like you said true like nine times That's part of how I write, sir. Okay, true what? You were on the river and true what? Do you mind if I continue, sir?

Go ahead, God, true something. True passion for the adventure that lie ahead. Oh, Genevieve, your rosy cheeks, your soft supple lips, your white cloth, linen hat. keeping you protected from the sun. Your nails painted a light touch of red and a twinkle in your eye that let me know that you are so happy to be alive. And as the long wooden boat pulled out into the girth of the massive churning river,

we watched as the emerald tree line slid past. We watched as the clouds bounced across the blue sky, sky overhead. And we were led down the long, winding, mysterious river by a current that seemed to lull us into a place of safety and security. And I'll never forget as we stood there marvelling at nature's gifts. Suddenly the boat struck a rock and we were jolted forward. I grabbed the railing, held on for my dear life, but somehow your grip was not strong enough and you flipped over the edge of the boat. I screamed for you and I saw you paddling in the water, just treading, holding your own and

thinking it won't be but a moment before we throw a safety rope and pull you back up. But then a slight movement in the water, the churning, the bubbles and suddenly before all of our eyes the crew, the other passengers, a froth of white and red is suddenly we realized A hungry band of piranha had attacked your lower extremities, your legs literally being eaten off the lower end of your body. Bubbles of blood and white froth filling the tepid waters as you screamed and screamed black. Okay, whoa! Excuse me, sir. There it is.

Right there, okay? Here's it. You're painting this beautiful picture. You're going down the Amazon. and suddenly you're... Who is it? Genevieve, sir. Genevieve is having her lower extremities, as you put it,

eaten alive by peronia. What is a parania? It is a meat-eating fish that I know... Are you saying piranha? That's exactly what I said, sir, piranha. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Have fun Don't throw your back out She was eaten by piranhas Not all of herself You'd let me finish my story Go ahead God and clean it up Thank you very much

I'll never forget As we threw you the lifeline And we pulled you to the side of the boat your arms grasping. We lifted you halfway out of the water, the piranha still nibbling at your exposed femurs. We thought we had you halfway up to the boat for a full rescue. Suddenly an enormous electric eel jumped from the water

and wrapped itself around your throat, sending 7,295 volts of electricity through your whole body. Your body spasmed like a scarecrow. hanging in the wind off of a building. Your eyes short-circuiting. Your tongue being bitten half by your teeth as your nerves didn't know how to react. Your body...

All right! Are you kidding? A giant electric eel. Do you mind, sir? Yes, I mind. This is just ghoulish. I am trying to read my romantic letter, sir. It's anything but romantic.

It's like a Stephen King horror book. Do you mind if I finish, sir? Yeah, hurry up, Quowke. Thank you very much. Myself and the other crew members, we hacked. We hacked at the electric eel with paddles from the boat. We hacked at the electric eel with anything we could find axes, knives, blades, anything to knock the massive eel off your body. finally it relented and let go of you, releasing its grip and plunging into the water

with a hungry piranha ate its brutalized corpse. And at last as we drew you up towards the railing to pull you into the boat, a 27-foot anaconda came out of nowhere and wrapped itself around your throat, your eyes bulging out like light bulbs from an electric christmas. Christmas tree. Your tongue wiggling around like a like a Hershey squirt wiggling in the breeze.

Oh, oh, Genevieve. All right. Are you kidding me? Your eyes bulging out? That's correct, sir. Is this thing almost over? I'm almost there, sir. Hurry up. At last,

we thought we had you on the boat when suddenly a whole tribe of pygmy natives emerged on the shoreline with their blowdarts. They saw you hanging on the bow of the boat with your eyes bulged out like Belgian waffles, crying at a waffle festival. And quickly they were terrified thinking you were a demon god from the darkest depths of the Amazon River itself. All of them, all 59 of the pygmies, raised their blow darts and shot poison arrows into your face and into your abdomen, unable to shoot things into your legs because they had already been eaten by the piranha. The darts pierced your skin, your skin bloating and welting, your body spasming like a baby that had just been run over at some ostrich races.

It would, alright enough! Get the hell out of here, Quoak. This is disgusting. Good Lord. I'm not finished, sir. Yes, you are. Get out of here. And then the pygmies through their spears,

all of them going through your body like a human shish kebab. You glistened in the sun. Get out! Get out, get out, get out. Idiot. Done. Up yours, sir.

Up yours. Get out of my arms. office. Good Lord. Unbelievable. Blood dripping from your skin like Kentucky fried chicken and a get out! Good God. Feel sick. Get them out of it. Keep them out. What a dildo. No, no, I'd rather take the ice. I'd rather stand out in an ice storm in the middle of winter than listen to that guy's heartwarming love stories again. What a freak.

Let's move on, Roger. Geez. Have you checked the children? All right, I want to close the show up with something that's just been annoying the hell out of me. And it affects you directly and affects me directly, because I'm in this industry, the acting industry. And I got to tell you, man, I'm just so annoyed and over. the freaking actors putting these little commercials

together talking about how much they hate this or hate that or want to influence you to vote for this person or that person or not get behind the new president or you know give us Merrill Streep giving a speech at the Golden Globes and a bunch of actors putting commercials out saying oh try and stop the vote and let's not let's not legitimize the president and let's do whatever we can to hold it up and this

and that and oh my god who the hell do you people think you are man it really makes me a shame to be associated with half these dupuses and i i don't care what side of the aisle you're on i don't care if it was baroque or don't want to hear from you actor idiots you know all these ones that said they're going to move and they're crying and they're this and they're that. I'll tell you what, you self-serving egomaniac actors. The election wasn't about you. The election was voiced by the people. The election is about the people's needs and the people's wants and the people's desire for change or lack of change or leadership or

lack of leadership, whatever they decide, if they pick a monkey to be the president, or they pick Albert Einstein to be the president, that's the people's choice, that's a democracy, that's the way it works. And sometimes you're happy with what the people pick. Remember, the people, not you, Merrill Streep and the rest of you, who, by the way, live the high life, okay? The people pick the president. You know, Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer and a physicist.

Ronald Reagan was a congressman, and he was an actor. He was an actor. He did movies with chimpanzees. I mean, there's all walks of people that have become president. And maybe you don't always like them or agree with them. But you know what? Who are you actors to try and tell people how to think and feel and influence? And first of all, you live a very charmed life.

You know, notice they never get the actor. The actors never speak out who are still running around to auditions and live in a one-bedroom apartment. But suddenly Robert De Niro says he wants to take Donald Trump behind a building and punch him in the face. And, you know, Merrill Streep's just, you know, going to be sick to her stomach because Donald Trump's cruel and mean and Chelsea. handlers crying like a three-year-old. She says she's going to move to Spain. Well, it ain't out of it.

It ain't about you. Okay? Unfortunately, like it or leave it, if the people voted for a president that you perceived to be a little bit cruel, then that's the people's choice. They've got to live with it for four years. But just stop trying to tell everyone that your voice is. bigger and more powerful than what the people want, man. Bakes my stomach turn. I mean, most of you, most of you actors that do these commercials are very successful.

You live in the world of big houses, millions and millions of dollars, social privilege. When you walk into a restaurant, I'm pretty sure the matrily put you at the best table and make sure your meal is on the house. Believe me, I've been around these people. Believe me, I'm an actor. I've been exposed to this type of treatment. Even at my level, I get it. I'm not an A-list actor, but I've been spoiled.

You know, people like to do things for actors. They like them, and I like actors, but I don't like it when actors act up like this. When they try to think that their voices and their opinions are bigger and better than everyone else's and they try to sway people to think like them. You know what actors are at the end of the day? Actors are people that were able to memorize some lines, mimic real life or mimic fantasy, read their lines on camera, and have a sensibility within them to act so that it may look real or they may absorb or

adopt a character. So how does that make them qualified to preach to the rest of us how to think or feel? And when actors from any side, whether it's Republican or Democrat, when they take the pulpit, when they take an award show ransom and they get up there and they start spewing their point of view and their opinion, you know what, nobody tuned in for that. you're in the entertainment business you're not in the uh you're not in the uh you know political op ed industry if you want to write your own book and people can come and find it great if you want to write an article in a newspaper great people have the choice to take it or leave it but don't

don't uh don't uh you know get handed the oscar and all of a sudden start telling me your political views i just think it's like a really cheap, you know, classless, hijacky way to get your message out there. You know, you're already alienating half the people watching. You know, I think sometimes these actors believe that everyone watching them thinks like them. Everyone watching has the same political opinions and agendas and ideals. And when these actors start spewing their nonsense, they think everyone's on board with them and worshipping them and praise them.

Oh, Merrill Streep, oh, yes. Oh, we love you even more. You're such a good human being that knows how to memorize lines. You know, try finding a cure for cancer. How about that? I'm not that impressed that you can memorize lines. Okay?

Oh, gosh. So there you go. I just, it's never going to stop. even know why I say I hope it stops, but I wish it would. You know, what you're forgetting a lot of times is when we go to movies, when we watch these award shows, it's to escape all that crap. We really don't want to hear your opinion. That's like if your neighbor came to your front door, you rang the doorbell, you open it, and he just started spewing his political opinions. Would you stand there and listen to them? No, you'd slam the door. You'd be with my, would

you mind getting off my property? I don't want to hear this. So I don't know. I don't know if you guys find it annoying. And again, I'm not picking sides. I'm not picking political. I would be just as mad. In fact, I do get as agitated and mad no matter what side of the aisle these people come from. It's just kooky, man. So there you go. that's my little two cents worth about about that now I'm going to go I'm going to go knock on someone's door and tell them all my political opinions I don't know maybe you guys are different if you want to if you want to tell me

you can tell me if you like it or don't like it and again this isn't a party thing okay it's not Donald Trump or Hillary it's all actors all parties all events I just don't like it I'm not picking sides so if you guys want to comment I don't want to hear I don't want you to come at me like I've picked sides, but I would like to hear if you find if it's annoying or enlightening or you like it or you hate it. If anyone wants to comment, you know, give me a shout.

3-2-3-7-39-433-30. 3-2-3-7-39-43-30. Let me know. If we like your phone message, we'll share it with the audience here. I can't be the only one that gets annoyed. Also, you can write me at harlomwiliams.com. Yes, yes, yes, you can. You can write me there, and you can, you know, leave any comment you want under our contact link at the Harland Highway at the Harlan Williams.com website.

Also go to our store. We have all kinds of great gifts and merchandise in our store. We can send to you tons of fun T-shirts and all that stuff. Also, get the app, get the free app on your cell phone for the Harland Highway. Go to your app store, type in the Harlan Highway, and boom, it's free. Everyone loves free. Free! And that's it, man.

I hope to have some cool announcements coming up in the very near future about a new TV show. I'm getting ready to launch that I think you'll get a kick out of and so on and so forth. So there you go. I'll leave it right there for now. Thanks for being here, everybody. and until next time, chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Your body's spasming like a baby that had just been run over at some ostrich races.