The Harland Highway - 837 - Dr. Debbie Thymer, LIFE COACH. Food addictions. Calls from listeners.

Episode Date: January 23, 2017

Dr. Debbie Thymer, LIFE COACH takes calls. Food addictions that drive us nuts!. Calls from listeners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have yourself a merry little podcast. I know I am. I'm going to have a merry little podcast right now, man. It's time. It's on. We're broadcasting. How are you? Thanks for being here, everybody.

This is the Harland Highway. I am your host, Harland Williams. I will be walking you, driving you, chasing you through this whole ride over the next little period of time. An interesting show today. A life coach, Dr. Debbie Timer, is. has got her show up and running in this episode. And as you know, Debbie takes calls from people all over the country, tries to help them with whatever seems to be worrying them.

She's a life coach. She tries to guide them, provide counsel, if you will. Also, some real problems with me and a certain food item. And I have a feeling it's a food item that you have problems with, too. I'm not the only one. And because I think we all share the common problem with this food item, I'm going to talk about it. In fact, I might even call someone about this food item and have some action taken

so that we can get control of this food item. And then some calls. We get some calls from you guys. I'm going to play a few of your phone calls. You'll see what's on your mind, people that have called into the Harland Highway. So it's going to be a fun show. Sit back, put your seatbelt on. This is.

The Harland. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby.

And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to see that ugly face. Never since before. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say?

We get down to business. Oh, God. Here I go. Oh, God. Oh, I'll be here. God, cookies. I know it's gross people chewing in your ear, right? But, you know, it's a cookie.

It's one of those Pepperidge Farm, Milano, pardon my chewing, mint chocolate cookies. Can I just describe it to you? two delectable vanilla wafers on the outside inside a small layer of dark chocolate and on top of that a thin paper thin layer of vanilla mint and then they press it together And they make a wafer, and it looks like a little mini submarine sandwich. And I put it in my mouth like this. Oh, my God.

And I can't just eat one. That is what I'm talking about here with my Milano's. My Pepperidge Farm Milano What the hell is a Milano? Is that a town in Italy? Because if it is, I bet they're all fat. I bet they're all huge Milano.

You're killing me, Milano. I'm like, oh, I'll go to the fridge. La-de-da. I guess I'll have a cookie. That should fill the little gap between lunch and dinner. I'll have a just one cookie. That'll tide me over. Just one little harmless cookie.

Oh, look, the Milano's are in the fridge. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Milano. I'm going to eat one of you now. Oh, crunch. Digest, swallow, chew, and then, wait a minute. That Milano was pretty damn tasty. Maybe one didn't tide me over till dinner. Oh, maybe I need to eat one more, Milano.

Which one of you would like to be sacrificed? Which one of you dirty, greasy Milano's wants to go down into my stomach? Oh, see, here's the dilemma. The dilemma. You just can't eat one damn cookie. And it's killing me, man. It's like, you know, we try to eat healthy. We try to eat good.

Well, surely I can afford myself a snack now and then. Yesterday I ate a salad and some arugula, and I had some Brussels sprouts and celery on Monday. Surely I'm entitled to one cookie. But there's trickery here in this cookie bag. There's something afoot. There's treachery. and trickery a foot. Somehow they make you eat six or seven or eight. Somehow they make you

eat the whole damn bag of Milano's. It's scary. You know what? And here's what, this is tempting. I'm going to do it. Yeah, look at this. There's a number right on the side of my Milano bag. It says, tell us what you think of our baking, call us toll free at what, oh, I'm going to call them right now. I'm going to tell them what I think of their baking because they're making me fat. Come on, let's call the Pepperage Farm. And what the hell are Italian people doing on a farm out in the country? Shouldn't it be like Mennonites or something? Come on, let's call Pepperidge Farm.

Okay, here we go. Let's press these numbers. I'm always iffy with these 1-800 numbers. There are always something fishy. You know, there's probably no one there. Probably going to get like an answering system or something, right? Oh, what? Here we go.

Hello there, and welcome to Pepper's Farm. Hi, how are you? If you're calling us with a medical emergency, you should press one. If not, just press two. Yeah, I'm getting fat. Maybe I should press for a medical emergency. Let's press two. Sorry, but our system didn't pick up your response.

Even though you've called us while we're closed, we can still help you. Okay. For information about our Pepperidge Farm stuffing products, just press one. Oh, God. You can press two if you've heard about the labels for education program, and you want to find out how to earn some free educational equipment for a school near you. How do cookies make me? Or you just want to let us know how much you're enjoying our products.

we're going to have to ask you to call us back between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday and one of us will be happy to visit with you. When you have a minute, you also might want to check out Pepperidge Farm.com. No, I don't. Because you can find lots of good information there, too. No, no, no. I'm not going to your website.

Why would I go to a website for cookies? Honey, what are you doing there in the office? Nothing, honey, nothing. You're not on the internet, are you looking at funny websites? No, no, no, you're not looking at cookies, are you? Um, uh, are you on pepperidgefarm.com? Um, uh, I'm calling the marriage counselor. Oh, God damn it.

What is what? Okay, so we don't get, we didn't get through. The fact that there's a hotline for cookies and a website for cookies is disturbing to me. I mean, good Lord. But why are cookies in the educational industry? You heard the guy, if you'd like to, if you'd like to send some cookies and join our education. I'm like, do you notice that things are like that now? Everybody's got to be doing something.

Everyone's got an initiative. We at the Tampbox Tampon Corporation are doing our very best. to save the rainforests in Brazil. It's like everyone's trying to look like something they're not. Everyone's got to have a cause so that they seem sympathetic and that they seem worldly and that they care. It's like, you ever notice that? What the hell the cookies have to do with the education system?

If Charlie took three cookies out of the cookie jar and ate two, but then put one back, and you divided that by a chips-ahoy and a peanut butter cookie, what does Timmy have? I'm just confused. Well, why don't you go in the corner and eat a fungio, you little twerp?

I'm scared now. Shut the fuck up. I mean, it's just... Can we just have cookies? Can't there just be tampons? Can't there just be donuts? Does everything have to be related to a cause and an issue? Can't stuff just stand alone on its own anymore?

Does everyone have to be wired into a charity or a dog rescue or some kind of a disease or cancer? It's noble, yes, I get it, it's noble, but doesn't it just put the pressure on us? What if you just want to enjoy the simplicity of a cooking, cookie or a bowl of jello, or a scoop of ice cream, and in the back of your head, you're thinking about donating to the lymph node society. You just want to eat a sandwich from Subway, but somehow that little thing they put on your

receipt about the Breast Cancer Society has made you feel a little guilty of... I mean, it's everywhere. But I'm straying. My point is, you know, their hotline should be, their hotline should sound a lot more like this. It shouldn't be so calm and collected. It should be more like a 911 center. This is what their damn cookie number should sound like.

Hi, thank you for calling the Pepperidge Farm Cookie Hotline. If you're having a problem with obesity, diabetes, high blood sugar, or you're sweating blood through your eye sockets. Please press one now. If you have permanent diarrhea, love handles, cancels, or your face looks like a goldfish with those big, bulgy, round, boony eyes. Please press two now. If you're addicted to our cookies and can only eat 12 in one sitting, you're doing the right thing.

That's how we make our money. Keep eating those cookies, you fat fucks. And come on up to Pepperidge Farm so we can milk you like a Pepperidge Farm cow. Enjoy those delicious cookies. Get fat and fuck you. Thank you for calling Pepperidge Farm, you pigs. Am I right? Good Lord.

Now, I joke with Pepper's. I actually love their damn cookies. delicious and that's therein lies the dilemma they're so good you can't stop eating them so again i apologize for opening the show with a fat cookie in my mouth i guess i just need to discipline myself more i wonder if you guys go through the same cookie rituals i go through if you want to let me know three two three seven three nine forty three thirty three seven three 49, 43330. Tell me what you're addicted to eating.

Oh, wow. Hello? Hello? La Cucurah Chips, La Cucurah Chips, it's a creepy crawly treat. La Cucurah Chips, Le Cucurah Chips, Eating Bugs is really neat. Cha, cha, cha, cha, la Cucurot Chips. in original nacho cheese flavor, and for a limited time through the holidays, new and improved, peppermint, pumpkin, eggnog, turkey gravy flavor. Dios, me, oh my, la Cuccarot chips.

Now on sale at the store. On the corner of Harland Highway and Chicken Chow Main Street, bring your fat ass and a wad of cash, and look for the shaking bags in the snack aisle. La Cucaracha, they're alive with flavor. Gahola! Um, uh, uh, you know, I, what I meant to, what I want to say, the, the La Cucaracha, oh, forget it. Hey, you are, and I'm watching Jerry Seinfeld's show Comedians, Cars, Getting Coffee. I'm sure you've probably heard of it, maybe you haven't, but why aren't you in that show?

I feel like you would be, do you know, Jerry, or have they ever contacted you about being on that show? I think that would be a kick-ass episode. All right, buddy. Chicken, chow. Booger. Chicken, chow. Comedians in Cars getting coffee. That is interesting.

You know, I do know that show. I haven't really, I think I've seen it once or twice. And I do know Jerry. I've worked with Jerry a couple of times doing stand-up and whatnot. And, you know, when we bump into each other here and there, we say hello. We're not like pen pals. We're not like Twitter buddies. I just know him through the industry to say hello and, you know, share the stage with him at times.

But I have not been asked to do his show. I hear it's a very successful and funny show. I have not been asked to do it. And the reason might be that I've never had a coffee and I'm not even joking. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. If you listen to my podcast, you know I've never drank a coffee in my whole life. So maybe that's why, or maybe Jerry just doesn't think I'm funny. I don't know why Jerry Seinfeld doesn't think I'm funny. What is he thinking? Why doesn't Jerry Seinfeld eat cucarot chips? No, you know, it's an interesting note, and you know what, since you gave me this call,

I'm going to have my team, Team Williams, reach out to Jerry and see if that is something they want to do. That could be fun. That's a great idea. It's not as good an idea as, let's say, you know, La Cucarot Chips. La Cucarad Chips, La Cucarad Chips, it's a creepy crawly treat. La Cucarad Chips, La Cuccairot Chips, La Cucurra. chips. Eating bugs is really neat. Wow. Oh, and don't forget the, don't forget the cha-cha-cha part, buddy. Cha-cha-cha. Thank you for the cha-cha-cha, and thank you for the idea for going on Jerry's show.

I'm going to put the wheels in motion and see if we get, hey, we love Harland, or we get a big fat, yeah, right, not that guy. So we'll see. And again, thank you for the suggestion. Very, very cool, man. Dios, me, oh my. La Cougarot chips. La Cucurah chips. La Cucurah chips. It's a creepy crawly tree.

Something really wrong is going on. It's not right when you are out of order. You're out of order. You're out of order. The whole trial is out of order. La Cucurah chips. La Cucurah chips. Eating bugs is really neat.

Chach, cha, cha. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Well, hi, this is Dr. Debbie Thimer, and I want to send out a big welcome to all of you. listening all over the country and listening to the show today and joining in the conversation that I'm going to have with you. As you know, we take calls from all across the nation asking you about what's troubling you, what's on your mind, what's causing turmoil, or perhaps what's even causing pleasure

in your life. We're open to all areas of conversation here on the Dr. Debbie Timer show. I am your life coach, and I will try and walk you through all that hails you. So why don't we throw open the lines and take our first caller all the way from Palm City, Florida. It looks like we have a young lady by the name of Karen. Hello, Karen. This is Dr. Debbie Thimer. Go ahead.

You're on the air. Oh, hi. Is that you talk to Debbie? Yes, that's me. How are you? Oh, my goodness. I'm so excited to be on the telephone with you. I've never done anything like this in my whole life, Dr. Debbie. Well, just relax. I'm here for you, and you can open up, think of me as an old friend, and, you know, let me know what's going on in your life, and I'll try and walk you through. Go ahead. Oh, thank you, Debbie. Dr. Deppleheimer.

You're welcome, child. And what's on your mind today? What can we talk about? Well, I guess I should state right out of the gate that I'm blind. Okay, I understand. You're blind, may I ask, at what age you lost your vision? I was born blind, Dr. Debbie, so I haven't even seen the ass end of an egg yolk. Okay.

Well, that's an interesting way to put it, child. And so your whole life has been full of darkness. Yes, Dr. Debbie. I've never even seen the ass end of an egg yolk. Okay. We're not sure what that term means, but... Well, it's a term that I made up because I've never seen one. Okay.

And how can we help you today? What seems to be the peril in your life, child? Well, Dr. Debbie, I'm a lesbian. Okay, that's wonderful. We talk to all kinds of people here at Dr. Debbie's show, straight, gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter. Thank you for making me so comfortable, Dr. Debbie, and being so accepting of my sexual orientation. Of course, child, and what is it that's going on with you and your lesbian lifestyle?

Well, Dr. Debbie, as you know, I can't see it. anything and I'm having trouble with my partner um sarah okay karen and uh would you like to explain to us what the issue is well as you know as a blind person i read braille yes that makes perfect sense most blind people communicate through braille it's the um it's the function where the fingertips read small bumps and and they learn to read magazines, books, any type of print.

Yes, Dr. Debbie, and I'm quite a proficient reader, Dr. Debbie Seimer. Okay, you can just call me Debbie, Child. You don't need to say my full name. Thank you, Dr. Seiber. Okay, and what is going on with you and your lesbian lover and

your braille reading, child? Well, Dr. Debbie, it looks like my lover has vaginal wards. Okay, a common sexual ailment. They're not lethal. Vaginal warts is a sexually transmitted disease. It can be cured. It's not uncurable. And I wouldn't get too panicked about it, my child.

Well, Dr. Debbie, I know about that, but the problem is this one morning. engaged in sexual activity? Yes. Well, I can feel her vaginal warts, and because they're just like braille bumps, I can read them. Um, okay, I'm not, I'm not sure what you mean, child. Well, when I'm performing conalingas, perhaps, let's say.

Okay, that's when a woman is using her mouth to pleasure a woman's erogenous parts. Yes, I like to lick. her raw. Okay, we don't need to get that graphic. Sorry, Dr. Gary. It's okay, child. And what happens? How does braille reading mix into your lesbian lover with the vaginal wards? Well, when I'm down there, my face is pressed against her groin area, I can feel the vaginal wards on my face. And if it's just not wards anymore, it's braille. Are you saying that the bumps on her groin represent letters in the braille alphabet? That's right, Dr. Devian, as I'm, you know, pleasuring my girlfriend, Sarah, I can start reading out loud at the same time I'm trying to lick her.

I'm not sure I follow. Well, the warts on her veg-vage, start spelling sentences and paragraphs. And as I'm licking, all of a sudden, I'm reading Edgar Allan Poe, let's say the Tartel Heart, or I'm reading a George Orwell story. Oh, my goodness. And just yesterday I was pleasuring her and started reading Stephen King's Pet Cemetery out loud as I was between her legs. Okay. And she gets upset, Dr. Debbie, because she says it takes her out of the moment. Well, I could see that, my child.

I mean, I don't know that reading a Stephen King novel out loud about dead cats and dogs from a pet cemetery necessarily goes hand in hand with licking a woman's vagina. Well, I can't help it. Her bumps you're pressing against my face and the other day when I was eating her out. Okay, can we stick to pleasuring? Yes, Dr. Debbie Farmer.

And stop saying my name. child. Aye. He, I get nervous. Okay, stop laughing, child. The other day I was picking her out. If you could just stay pleasuring her. Stop the goddamn laughing.

Oh, sorry, Dr. Debbie. I was cow-eating my girlfriend the other day, and all of a sudden her. Prill, vaginal warp bumps were rubbing on my forehead. And as I was licking and I started reading Dr. Soush, Dr. Debbie. Oh, my goodness. As I was licking and I was like, yes, I am, green eggs and ham. Okay, child, may I have your green eggs and ham?

I love my green eggs and ham. Okay, child. If you could stop with the fucking noises. Oh, you're yelling at me, Dr. Debbie. It's just that you're getting very graphic and I'm not sure. And then the other day, I was, you know, doing my thing, um, towel slipping it with my tongue. Child.

And all of a sudden I was reading a Kmart flyer. I'm sorry? A Kmart flyer? Well, the vegetable warrant braille bumps on her phone. were spelling out, you know, a Kmart flower, Dr. Debbie Fimer, and as I was eating her out, if you could just say, pleasuring her, I started reading out loud as a on sale men's slippers in oil fire. We have a barbecue tongue set on sale today at Kmart, welcome shoppers. How about some oxyclean, a seat on TV?

Okay, knock it the fuck off, okay? What is wrong with you? Oh, Dr. Debbie, I'm just calling for advice. You sound like a blind moron. You're making us all sick, and we don't need to hear another word. And then I was reading... No, we don't want to hear any more. It's time for us to move on.

I was reading passages from the Bible. And on the fourth day, God created the light in the earth. Oh my God, hang up on her. Dr. Debbie, he. Hang up on her. Oh. Hang up.

Oh, my God. Okay. Roger, I'm going to need a break. I'm going to need a long break. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer. We'll be back shortly. We're going to take a break. And I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer, your life coach.

Dios, me, oh, my. La Cougarot Chips. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was a little twisted. Yikes. Holy jump a Dr. Debbie. That, yee, yee. I don't even want to think about that, man.

Vaginal warts. Oh, that's got to be, if you're a girl, that's got to be a real dilly. Wouldn't you really rather get anything else but that? I mean, that's your sacred area, man, to be violated with warts? Oh, God. Just not cool, Mother Nature. Yeah, why not just give me, like, worms and beetles and leprosy and, I mean, is there anything more kind of gross? and warts?

That ain't cool, man. Oh, God. Poor Dr. Debbie, the stuff she has to deal with. Anyhow, let's wrap it up right there. Yikes. Let's get to some announcements, try to clear our brains here. What do we got going on here? What do we got?

Oh, come see me. Please come see me live. Do stand-up comedy. Many people, at least two or three, three say that I'm the best stand-up comic there ever was. I think it's two. It might have been three. So I got that going for me.

But seriously, if you're in Tacoma, Tacoma, Tacoma Washington this coming weekend, would love to see it's my first time up to the Tacoma area to do stand-up. All these years, I've never done it. So it's going to be a real blast. I always love going to a new fresh place and showing people my wares. making them laugh, making them giggle, hoping that they go for me, hoping they digged what I do.

So come on out to the Tacoma Comedy Club, January 26, 27, and 28. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Tickets at Harlandwilliams.com, man. It's going to be good. And then following that in February, I'm going to be at Charlie Good Nights. Charlie Goodnights in North Carolina. Have you ever been to North Carolina? Well, if you have and get there, and if you are there,

I'll be at Charlie Good Night's Comedy Club, February 9th through the 12th. That's Thursday through Sunday. It's going to be a blast. I was there once before a long time ago. And then guess what? If you live in another area of Washington, February 16th, To the 18th, I'll be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Washington. So how about that, man?

I'm covering the state. The Spokane Comedy Club, February 16 to 18th. So just some great stuff going on. And if you want me to go into March, I will. Phoenix, hello, Phoenix, stand up live in Phoenix, Arizona. I love me some Phoenix. Stand Up Live. That's March 2nd to March 4th.

And if you want to see more on these comedy dates, if you want to buy tickets, you can get them online. Just go to Harlow Williams.com. Check the stand-up comedy link. And boom, you're in, baby. You are in. You can buy your tickets right there. Also check out our store.

We've got all kinds of really cool merchandise in the Harlow Williams. com store. um don't forget to get my free app you can get that while you're online just go to the app portion or the podcast portion of my website and download uh the premium membership 20 dollars a year and you get all kinds of cool bonus material um coming to you throughout the year and the app is free on your cell phone just go into uh your your phone app store type in the harland highway and you got the app on your phone for whenever you want to listen to mois.

Mois is me for French. Mois, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. You don't hear that very often. And that's it, man. I can have some cool, exciting news for you guys coming up soon about a music project I'm working on, also a TV show I'm working on. Just some cool, cool stuff, man. So that's it. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway, have them join in on the fun.

Don't be afraid to call in or sing me a song, right? La Cucorah Chip's, La Cooca Rat Chips, it's a creepy crawly treat. La Cucca Rat chips, La Cucarot Chips, I would love to have some to eat. Yeah, you can call me, you can leave me a message, you can sing to me, you can read a poem, you can make a carolet, boobo noises, whatever you want. 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. That phone number is also at harlununwiliams.com if you don't have a good memory for phone numbers.

It's right there on the home page at my website. Or if you don't want to leave a voice message, you can always write me at Harlemwilliams.com on our contact link. I love to read and get your emails. And there you go. So I hope to see at some of these comedy clubs in the near future and excited to bring you guys some more humor, some more madness here on the Harland Highway. Thanks for being here. Keep it real in the deal. And until next time, chicken chau main, baby!

Sorry, Dr. Gary!