The Harland Highway - 839 - A new way to deal with ANGER. Question of the day! Muffintops!

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

Harland discovers NEW way to cope with anger. What is a muffintop? The Question of the day. Call from listener. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, it's the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody, thank you for being here on the podcast today. Hope you're doing well. Hope you're smiling and feeling groovy. Great show today. We're going to be talking a whole bunch of different topic, jumping all over the place. I'm going to be talking about the po-po, the police. We're going to be talking about muffin tops.

uh we're going to be talking about um how to handle your anger i think i've come up with a new way for people to channel their anger so we can all just get along and live together more peacefully and more harmoniously i really do think i've come up with a solution to just help everyone just calm down and and be brotherly and sisterly okay um also uh the harland highway a question of the day. We're going to have that. It has something to do with your mouth. Your beautiful, beautiful, beautiful mouth.

Also, a few phone calls. Going to take a phone call today. One of the pavement pounders had a very weird request. Asking about somebody over the rainbow and whatnot. Very strange, but we like it here. Because, you know, it's always strange. Why? Because this is the Harland Highway.

Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, it. Chica, chichichia chichia chichia chow, man, baby. And the creature from all the space.

Please don't stop. I got to see that ugly face. I've never sent before. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business.

Ta, ta, ta, ta. Hey, everybody. How are you? Are you feeling happy? feeling glad are you feeling cheery and merry inside even heavens to betsy even um you should feel you know we should try and feel happy and cheery as much as we can the world can be an angry place right how many of you have have had fits of road rage how many of you have cut off a a mother and her family in the minivan because you're rushing

to get to the drive-thru. Oh, get the hell out of my way. God damn what? I need a quarter-pounder with cheese. God, why'd you have to have so many kids? Ah, ah, brr. Right? We all have little fits of anger.

Maybe we take it out on our spouses, our partners, our friends, on society. And I think I've come up with a solution. I've come up with a very simple way that we can all be more civil to each other. We can all be more caring and show compassion and sympathy for one another. And you're probably thinking, look, Harlan, I'm not into the therapy thing, man, okay? Just forget it. I've done therapy for years, and that's what's actually making me angry, okay?

Because it cost me like $200 a session for fuck's sake. Well, no, this is simple. You know what, next time you have a fit of anger or someone's angry at you, don't let them get away with it. Snuff out their anger immediately. And you're like, yeah, like, how are we going to do that, Harland? Well, I'm going to tell you, next time someone steps up on you, just meow. That's right. You heard me.

Miao? Miao? Miao? What's more sweet and loving and cuddling than a meow? Right, you're one of those underground parking lot, you're at the mall, you're out at Home Depot, and all of a sudden you, you know, there's cars and traffic everywhere, and you back up crunch. You hit some other guy's fender. He gets out of his car, his eyes are wild, his hair looks like it's on fire.

he's sweating there's kernels of corn in his teeth he's like hey man what the fuck man what you back into my fucking car for what'd you say meow well you did back into my car right meo oh well i was drinking of getting rid of of it anyways. Miao! You're a nice guy. I like you. You want to go get a coffee?

Oh, you know, it's just, it takes people off guard. It's offsetting. It takes them out of their mood. You know, some guy, let's say, for example, you men are women listening.

Let's say you're making love to your best friends. wife or husband and he or she comes home hey man what the hell are you doing in bed with my wife bro meow what you just look up okay like meow all right all right but just don't do a doggy style and your face gets all happy and innocent. Miao! So just meow. And if he gets out of control that goes to that next level, I'd say you're at a bar and there's alcohol involved

because, you know, a meow might not even take the sting off a big bad drunk dude, right? You're at a bar and maybe you spill a drink on a guy by accident, some biker dude. You, man, you spilled your fuck. A fucking drink on me, bro. What you're gonna do about it? Miao!

Fucked up, bullshit. That shit doesn't work on me, man. Miao! I'd say that shit doesn't work on me, bro. So this is what you do. You go to the next level. You walk right up to that biker dude. You put your head right on his collarbone.

So your nose is right under his chin. and your ear is on his collarbone and your hair is touching his his cheek and you just start purring like a cat you're like and he's like

and he's like oh okay well I guess I can dry off man and he just starts stroking your head what's your name anyhow You know, fluffy? Fluffy?

You're a nice guy. You have an owner? What the fuck's that meme, bro? No, nothing. I didn't mean anything, but... So anyways, that's my tip. The next time you get into it, next time you have a big blowout

with your wife or your husband, next time you get into a public altercation, or even a cop pulls you over, For speeding? You know how fast you were gone? Excuse me? Can I see your license and registration, please? Mewr.

All right, well, you know, just ease up on the podcast pedal, all right? Get out of here. right so there you go there's my tip there's my tip to help you make it through any angry moments in your life ladies and gentlemen just meow she became a dual person andrea thomas teacher almighty isis and isis dedicated foe of evil defender of the week champion of truth and justice Hello? Hello? Hi, and it's Ashley from Toronto.

I just want to know, are you still in touch with Koji's? Koji, the, um, over the rainbow or why the fuck doesn't you have a sister, Koji? So let me know. It'd be really funny to hear if, uh, you knew what's going on with him. Thanks. Bye. Uh, okay. Um, okay, Ashley.

Well, I, I guess the best. thing to do is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, I mean, these are important questions that I, I, I, I, I probably should have asked Koji a long time ago. Um, but yeah, Ashley, I'm, I'm on it. Like, yeah, who the fuck is, Roger, who's Koji? Let's dial him up here. Here we go. Um, see what he says. Who the fuck is Koji, bro? What? Are you calling him? Oh, Hello? Hello. Hey,

Hey, Koggi? Yeah, who's this, man? Hey, hey, man, it's, it's Harland. How are you, bro? Who? It's Harlan, bro. What's up? Who are you looking for, man?

Hey, Koji, it's me, man. It's Harlan. Oh, that, fuck. Who the fuck you're looking for, man? Koji. Hey, bro. Um, listen, man, I was just, uh, you know, checking in, calling to check in. Uh, fuck, man, I just spoke up. Um, what? How, howland?

No, Harlan, man. How you doing? Oh, you're calling from the, uh, the garage? No, no, I'm calling from the, uh, the podcast. Holy fuck. Hang on, man. Listen, I just wanted to, uh, you know, see, uh, uh, see, uh, uh, uh, you know, see, uh, uh, uh, uh, how your sister's doing? Oh, fuck, man. My sister?

Yeah, how, how, how's your sister, coach? Are you fucking serious, man? Yeah, I'm just checking in, see now the sister's doing. That's no fucking funny, bro. What, what do you mean? Oh, fuck you, man. My fucking sister died like four weeks ago, man, of a car crash. Oh

So she's She's not doing good I told you she's fucking dead man What the fuck is this No I'm just checking in on you man Koji chill dude chill Who the fuck is this man Somewhere

Over the rainbow Bluebird sank What the fuck Mel What the fuck mill What do you fucking How do you know my sister man Somewhere Over the rainbow

Hello What the fuck Who is you a fucking drunk dude When little tiny bluebirds sang Dude fuck off I'm fucking have worked all night On the night shift

And I'm fucking tired asshole Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you asshole Okay Alright, damn

Well, there you go There's the latest with Koji It's dead sister and has no clue about Being over the rainbow Wow I own a motel Not too far from here And you'd be welcome to

Spend the night in one of the empty rooms if you'd like Jeepers Um Speaking of uh jeeper creepers um it's a good movie there that's uh there's no segue there i just for some reason i said speaking a jeepers creepers and i had no follow-up and i realized it's a movie that i like so it's a good movie there okay i just i just like that was kind of like a little brain fart i just had um i was wanted to talk about uh you know the police the po-po you know they've

They've come under so much fire lately. There's been so much controversy with all the police activity. And so I was in a new town recently. I was up in Tacoma, Tacoma, Washington. What a great town. What a great city. Great people. Oh, my God.

I just love Tacoma. But now when I travel, I'm like, you know, I don't want any police surprises, right? I don't want to, I don't not want to know the tone and the tend to. of the police force and in a new neighborhood. So when I was in Tacoma, I was walking down the street, just whistling and having a donut, you know, join the day. And I saw a cop in a coffee shop grabbing a cafe. And I thought, you know, just so I don't run in any trouble down the road.

I better see how the cops react. So I ran down the street towards the coffee shop. I built up a sweat. You know, I got my breath gone. And I charged into the coffee shop I flung the door open Everyone turned around around right up to the cop And I stared out of my eyes all wild

Sweat on my face My skin all flushed and I just looked at him And he looked at me and I just went Sheriff, Sheriff! Sheriff! Me and Melfin just found a body down in the river! And he looked at me and tased me. I'm like, whoa, what the fuck, bro? You know, I'm laying on the floor.

having a seizure, like an epileptic Galapagos tortoise at a Danish pastry festival in Belgium or something. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And he gets up, he says, he goes, son, you shouldn't be joking around with police work. Police work is very, very serious. So I took that to heart. I took the cue.

I walked out of the donut shop, or the coffee shop. I turned around. I came back in, very stern look on my face, very, in very serious mode. And I walked right up to that police officer. The very same one, I strode right up to him, and I looked at him. I struck a pose And I glared in his eyes And I said

I'm afraid death Has come to your Tiny town Sheriff Fucker tased me again Come on Zapp right in the forehead Man

It was like a face taser I wasn't like one of those ones in the butt or the back the guy like tased me right in the face my tongue popped out my eyes bulged out started drooling it looked like a gargoyle a coffee shop gargoyle

but in closing the good news is I saw that the police were on it okay I saw that the police force was on it because God knows they've, you know, they've been through a lot. It's been a tumultuous last few years.

Black Lives Matter and the rioting and a lot of police shootings. By the way, on that note, the Black Lives Matter, can I just make a comment about Black Lives Matter? You know, I travel around the country, and it is nice to see diversity. It's nice to see the Asians and the African Americans and the white. and the Indians and the Latinos and the Canadians. Got to put the Canadians in there. Right, everybody together.

But then you go to some communities where there's not that much rich diversity. I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. And I can say Utah. It's the same way like people from Cuba say, I'm from Cuba. Are you from Cuba? No, I'm from Cuba, man.

are you saying Cuba that's right Cuba or even even some of the Mexican people are like I'm from Mexico wait Mexico that's what I said Mexico man okay but you're missing some letters I'm from you know what I'm half Mexican

and I'm half Cuban so don't fuck with me so if I want to say Utah I will so I'm in Utah and not the rich racial diversity do you see in a lot of American cities. In fact, when I was in Salt Lake City, I went to a Black Lives Matter rally.

Okay? I went to a Black Lives Matter rally, and I was the black guy. Okay? That's how little diversity there was. I got in a cab. I said to the guy, sent to the Utah cab driver, I said, dude, take me to Chinatown.

He took me to the mall, got out of the cab, walked me into the food court, and raided line at Panda Express. He said, try a spring roll. You'll love it. Welcome to Chinatown in Salt Lake City. I'm like, what? Yeah. Not a lot of racial diversity wherever you go. So absorb it, enjoy it, wherever you can.

Don't get tased. I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town sheriff So there you go Cray Cray Lemon shrimp Coconut shrimp pepper shrimp shrimp soup soup soup stew

shrimp stew shrimp stews shrimp salad shrimp and potatoes shrimp burger shrimp sandwich That's that's about it The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is, here it is, and I feel like a dumbass, but don't I always? This just, it's so stupid.

How many of you, and this is the question of the day, how many of you have gone to traveling, you know, you pack your bag, you pack up your suitcase, maybe you go overseas, maybe you're just going for one night, maybe you're going for the week, weekend, but you're going to stay at a hotel, right? And you're all good to go. You unpack your stuff. You take your little travel kit with your toiletries. I hate that word. Toiletries. It's like I don't want anything with the word toilet in it. It just sounds dirty. It's like, okay, there's my hairbrush, my nail clipper, my toothbrush, my underarm deodorant, my soap, my shampoo, my nail clipper, my dental floss, toiletries.

I just picture them soaking in toilet water. But anyways, I digress. So you get to your hotel, you unpack everything, you go in the bathroom with your toilet trees, and you take out all the items I just mentioned, your hair gel, your underarm deodorant, your toothbrush, all that stuff. Except you forgot one thing.

There's one little item you forgot to pack. your damn toothpaste. Have you ever done that? And my question is, what do you do? What do you do when you don't have your toothpaste? Because you're at a hotel, you're kind of landlocked. You know, you're not going to rush out. It's like, oh, get me a cab.

I want to go to the drugstore for some ultra bright. You know, you got better things to do probably if you're at a hotel. And then some hotels are cool. call down and go, excuse me, I'm such an idiot. I'm such an idiot. I forgot my toothpaste. Oh, don't worry, sir. We'll run it up and give you some free toothpaste. I hope you like the Motel 6 brand. It's no fluoride. It's just, it's pebbles. We bring you a bag of pebbles and you swiss them around in your mouth. Um, and some places don't offer you free toothpaste. Um, so I, I had a scenario where I was at a place for like two nights and I forgot I got in there and I was like

god damn it I forgot my toothbrush and so or my toothpaste so here was my thinking right because I wasn't near a drugstore or anything like that and I was like it's only two nights right the logic clicks in it's only two nights what's the worst that can happen so I'm like in my head it's I feel like such an idiot for even saying this I'm like you know there's probably a bunch toothpaste juice in my toothbrush bristles right it's you know the last time i used it it was all foaming and bubbly and white there was all this toothpaste i bet some of that juice is still there man so i just brush my teeth you know i'll stick my toothbrush under the water and i'm sure there's enough toothpaste residue that i can get a good brushing in good lord what

an idiot i am right so you and i have electric truth brush so i'm just i'm like and it just it tastes weird you ever brush your teeth without toothpaste it's it's like i don't know it's just a weird taste to an empty toothbrush there's like this clean kind of dry feeling it just feels all wrong man just feels all wrong you're like you're like yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck it'd be like making love and everything's dry right oh it's like everything just dry and pasty so there you go that's my question of the day have you ever forgot your toothpaste and have you ever have you ever had to uh just brush your teeth without it Ah, Harlan Highway, question of the day. The Harlan Highway, question of the day. So I met a girl recently.

I met a cute girl, and are you familiar with the term muffin top? Yeah, this, she was a little heavier. This girl had a muffin top. You know what, actually it went a little beyond a muffin. She had a full-blown bun cake, okay? this girl had a bun cake you know this girl had strawberry shortcake hanging over the rim of her pants this girl had a this girl had a baskin robin's ice cream cake flowing over the waistband on her jeans she had an angel food cake for a belt

I mean this girl had a wedding cake I could keep going it's all just cake jokes yeast pastries this girl was an ass she had bacclava coming out of her pants I mean all right not nice

but it's a weird term right muffin top it almost sounds delicious it's almost deceiving it's like it's like hey dude you want to I know this girl, you want to go out with her? Yeah, really?

What's she like? Well, she's got really nice eyes. Okay. Nice long hair. Okay. And she's got a muffin top. Oh, wow, that sounds delicious. So long hair, beautiful eyes, and a muffin top?

Yeah, man. That could be trickery. It sounds good. I don't know. I think maybe we need to rename that muffin top, man. you know like flubber top or blubber top or i don't know pop tart something muffin top almost sounds enticing so anyways i don't know if any of you dudes have rolled around with a muffin top but uh you know Just thought I'd share my little experience with you

And speaking of sharing experiences Oh my God Let's talk about some upcoming comedy Let's see, where am I going to be? Looks like this week Oh my God, this will be fun February the 2nd My first gig of February

I'll be at Largo Largo is a really cool theater in California and Los Angeles here on Lassianoga Boulevard. It's going to be myself and Nick Swartson, you know, Nick from all the Adam Sandler movies and Reno 9-1-1, so funny. He's a really funny guy. So me and Nick Swartson and a few others.

I'm going to be yucking it up at Largo, February 2nd in Los Angeles, Hollywood. And then the following week, February 9th, through 12, I'll be in North Carolina. North Carolina, baby. At Charlie Goodnights. I've done this club once before. A great club. Charlie Goodnights in North Carolina.

Get your tickets online at harlomwilums.com. And then the following weekend, February 16th to the 18th, I'll be back in Washington. I was just telling you earlier, I was in Tacoma. Now I'm going back by popular demand to Spokane The Spokane Comedy Club And it's run by the same cats that did the Tacoma one

The Tacoma one we sold out four out of the five shows Thank you again Tacoma Unbelievable people So hopefully we can replicate I'm putting the challenge out to you Spokaneans All right Let's do it Let's sell out the Spokane Comedy Club

February 16th to the 18th going to be good and then going into March oh my God March I'm going back to one of my favorite cities to do stand-up Phoenix, Arizona what's up player March 2nd to March 5th

at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona so very excited about that you can catch all that info that I just rolled past you at my website Harlow Williams.com just go to the stand-up comedy tour link and you can buy your tickets right there online baby you don't want to miss

especially when we're selling out like this hello do hello uh what else can i tell you while you're there check out uh the uh the merch store at harlo williams dot com all kinds of cool t-shirts and fun things uh you can write to me at harlowyms dot com just click on our contact uh link or you can call me and leave me a message maybe you want to know where Kimbo and the rainbow are. I don't, man. Koji, the, um, over the rainbow or why the fuck doesn't he have a sister, Koji? Yeah, leave me a message. 323739, 43330. That's 323739, 43, baby. And maybe your voicemail will get online. And I just want to add a note. A lot, a lot of people are leaving me voicemails.

about, you know, political stuff. You know, a few people have been calling me and leaving voicemails where they're, you know, kind of challenging me about me liking Trump or they're mad about me liking Trump or they're supporting me liking Trump or certain policies and blah, blah, blah. And I'm not putting a lot of those messages on

and it's not because I'm trying to censor you or single you out, but what happens is if I put those messages on, I have to answer them and then that leads to a big chunk of me getting all political and talking about politics in my show and I've been trying to like

as I told you pull that back so that my show's not too serious so I don't want you guys to think that I'm not listening to your messages or I'm not even absorbing your messages I am I love your messages even when you don't agree with me I think they're great

there's been some really great messages where people are totally disagreement with me. But I just don't put them on because it just ends up me going on these long, like 20-minute rants, and I use up the whole show talking about politics. And, you know, I like to do it now and then, but I'm trying to cut back on it. So I don't want you guys to feel slighted that I'm not hearing or listening to your calls. I am. And I appreciate all of them.

Regardless of your point of view, I really do like. hearing what you have to say about all of it. So good stuff. Keep it coming. And, yeah, the numbers 3-2-3-739-40-3-30. And thanks for listening, guys. I hope you had a good time here today. Keep on smiling.

And hopefully we'll see at one of my stand-up shows down the road. And until next time, chicken, show me. baby Why the fuck doesn't he have a sister, Koji?