The Harland Highway - 84 PAULY SHORE #2 - He's back, the madman Weasssslllleeee!

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Pauly Shore returns to discuss shoplifting, ancestory, Elephant Boy, and picking his nose! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't need the embarrassment of going, Excuse me, can I get someone to open the oil of Olay for my beautiful porcelain skin? That makes sense, because you don't want people to know what. Well, I've been using wrinkle cream for 25 years, and my nuts still look like raisins. I think this is a good part for an intermission. I'm going to take a break. Okay, it looks like you need one. Yeah, I'm going to take a break and then regroup, regroup on your questions.

Yeah. And then get a little bit more focused because this podcast is fucking. It's really kind of sucking hard. It's not even a fucking podcast. Well, it's just like, you're fucking with me, dude. Well, when you come in and kick the cameras over, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Take a break. Take a break. Can you take about two hours?

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right. on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams I love where you're headed with this whole thing Let's get gone here Oh, you got a podcast happening Today, ladies and gentlemen

Let me hit the theme music right away Because I got a major guest, not a minor guest A major guest This guy is off the wall This guy is like dynamite exploding on TNT. This guy's like if you saw ACDC's tour bus roll and just

everyone get crashed up and crunkled and crinkled up. This guy's like a sushi roll, like a lobster roll, but without the lobster. I mean, this guy, this guy will flip you around. How the fuck could you be a sushi roll without the lobster? Dude, if you're going to fucking introduce me, do it properly. Don't fucking make people think weird shit.

No, but what I'm trying to. try to do this. It's called a build-up. Like, I'm building you up more than any other guest I've ever had. You're going to love it. So this guy's like a flapjack that hasn't even been flipped at IHop. You're going to love this guy. He's like a muffin top on a fat girl that's sliding down the stairs at the Kennedy Center,

like a slinky made out of flubber. Here he is, gang, on the Hall of Highway podcast. Polly Zachary Shore is here. Polly, Polly Shores here, gang. And this guy's, I don't think if you've ever seen Secretariat at the Kentucky Derby, like explosive out of the gate, like just, like blows up, like just boom. And that's the kind of guest. When you get Polly, it's like, boom, the gates, the doors fly open.

It's like, I don't know if you ever saw the old Clint Eastwood movies where the, he kicks the saloon doors open and he's standing there that's like you yeah i feel i feel like someone is kind of holding me back like invisibly which is very good because if they weren't holding me back invisibly what i'd be doing is a choke your mother fucking dumbass fucking fucking christian ass neck bitch well beauch you're just sitting there like a siamese toad stool with fucking crackle water on it like they make like the amazon on rainforest and drip or do something. You know, we have some issues.

We have some deep-seated things that are happening between us. Yeah, but this is, you know, which is, you know, part of me wants to be. Part of me wants to be here and part of me wants to fucking leave, dude. Well, why don't you go outside, get the part of you that wants to be here to punch the part of you that wants to leave right in the fallopian tubes. Well, there's people understood right now with the comments. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I see the comments coming in and they're disrespecting me.

But if they knew how you were just disrespecting me, then they would understand why I'm disrespecting you. I just gave you the best buildup of any guest I've ever had. You were like a pepperage farm cake with a triple yeast infection, the way I came out at you. Yeah, I understand that, but this is all bullshit. You're doing your stupid at schick. No, no, no, no.

They don't know what it's like when the stick is fucking gone. When the cameras are off, they don't know how you fucking treat me, dude. They know. You need to stop treating me the way that you treat me. if you treat me more properly, then maybe I'll come out with boom, boom, boom, like the lobster roll open. Okay.

Let's get this shit off the fucking table. Let's start it again. Here we go. Ready? No, no, no. We're not doing another fucking open. I don't have that bullshit. I want to do it right.

We're good on it. You called me out. You're right. I'm agreeing with you. So let me do it right. How's that sound? I just think this is going to be a, do whatever.

It says your, your fucking, this is your Hershey Highway. So go. But I get it. about it how you want to go about it no the way you you eloquently put that i get it i did double dupe double dutch you well whenever i see you banana around i know i'm kind of like wrong time charlie like oh here he comes and then done and then you text me please do my podcast and i show up and i want to be gracious and i want to be presentable to you but whenever you see each other in person you kind of like

you do this to me like i'm a fart or something okay but you say all that but then you show up in a pink a girl's shirt and it leaves me going okay does he really want to be here is he being respectful does he want a mega power intro like i gave him and then you show up in a gap baby gap's girls pink shirt i just think that there's there's unanswered business between us and i think once we get the unanswered business between us off our chest then i can be this the charming fucking you know weasel weasily guy so let's just talk about it do you want the the new intro or do you want to well you're supposed to say take your glasses off that was something we talked about what you said were you roy orbison you didn't say that part either right but what bothers me have you ever seen a goat's eyes

and they have the pupils that go this way listen you mother fucker no you've got goat's eyes you've got satan ghost out listen to me if i give you the intro you fucking give it the way that i ask you to do it you don't fucking stop fucking look at me like your clitie's wood your irises go sideways like a wild mountain goat and that's not my fault iPad what do you fucking have only fans page up here I do have an only fan's page and I'm doing a full spread later I'm doing three spread eagles and a coconut cream tilt a whirl what's different you you don't want to make money anyways what's up welcome to the show you guys he obviously didn't fucking he obviously didn't pay attention to the intro off camera when we decided we're going to do something fun and you didn't play along with it why not no because I was going to play along

but I thought if anyone deserves a huge intro, it's the wild cat from down under. Are you Australian? I am, mate. I'm from Bondi Beach, mate. And I go down there all the time, mate, because I'm bummed up a bottle soap. Now, well, you, dude,

because you're Chinese fucking motherfucker. You motherfucker Chinese fuck. Oh, fuck. It's not, don't fucking laugh it off, you son of a bitch. It's hard to look you in the goat eyes. It's like, dude, I'm telling you. Not many people have sideway irises like a goat.

I don't have sideway irises. Look in the camera. You have your, they go sideways like a. You're right. Malaysian mountain grinder or whatever they're called. Cool. Oh, no. Dude, just the chill.

Are we going to give another intro? Yeah, let's do one more intro. And then I'll powder it down a little bit. Copy. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, you know them from movies like powder. Philadelphia, days of thunder. Days and confused.

Days and confused. War of the Gorgantuan. Papillon. Papillon with Steve McQueen. And Dustin Hoffman. And Dustin Hoffman. He once made a bun cake so thick that Carol Burnett chewed through it with her go-for-tee. And he also put his finger in a Canadian's asshole once, and I think you were the one.

Whoa, bro. I'm dialing it back now. You stepped on your own inch blow. Intro. Bud's welcome Whoa Chinese I mean fix that for you

The dog That wasn't the fucking dog That was the spirit That was a spirit that you created In this jean fucking room We got these dumb ass lights from Amazon Which cost you $39. $39.99.

You got this dumb ass fucking camera from fucking, you know, from BNH, which caused you $3, you know? You should have someone fucking working the shit behind you, dude. You're going to do these fucking shows.

Chinese. Look at the light pointing at the roof now. It's got a point on you. I'm the star. At the star. No, it's got a point at you. There we go. Oh, Chinese, is this good straight?

Well, that's the three shot. So look in the monitor and see if it's doing the three. Oh, now I'm your fucking DP? Well, you look like one. And D.P. by the way, stands for a dirty penis. Oh, wow. You wiggling it around? Nice. Like wiggle it nice. Like wiggle it nice. There it is. So you're not on it. Is that okay? Oh, so it's just a two shot, but just with you.

So it should be both of us. It should be me and you. You know what a fucking two shot is a cunt face. Well, you don't look like you know what a two shot. You look like you just stepped off a subway and slipped a cucumber in your trousers. Wow. Okay. What do you think? Looks good. Are we lined up?

I just want to make sure that it's press play, though, because I don't know if the press play is working. Oh, maybe I should go along. Yeah. Well, I think I press play. Okay. Let me look. Can you hold down the podcast? Yeah.

I thought I had a fucking no budget for my show. I know. You do the fucking shooting or the deep. you're the editor. Oh, wow, you did pretty good. You've got it up pretty good, man. Yeah. I say you just go into the questions.

I don't think we need a big answer. Well, wait, before we do that, I like to give credit where credits do. Okay. So because you set up all that camera stuff so nice, would you, and this, I'm asking as a friend, would you be an associate producer, executive VP in charge of development? For the Harlan Productions?

For the Harland Highway. Productions. Yeah, absolutely. You'd be an executive VP, uh, development. I'm out of order. You're out of order. This whole cold room is out of motherfucking order. Yeah.

What accent was that? Uh, I don't know. Was it Italian? It's a scene out of one of my classic films, jury duty. Oh, yeah. Of course, you audition for it. You couldn't get it. But anyways.

I know. I did audition for the female lead. Yeah. And I didn't get it. Chinese. Japanese. I really think. Dirty knees.

I really think so. D. Have you ever done Ancestry.com? I have not. I want to, though. Okay. I had a feeling you didn't, and I looked up some stuff.

Oh, wow. On you. Wow. I think you're going to appreciate what I did after what. I know what you're going to say. Okay. Tell me that.

You're going to say I'm part Persian. You're going to say I'm a fucking. No. You're going to say, that I'm a dirty gypsy. Well, everyone knows that. And then you're going to say that I'm also part Czechoslovakian. I know you're going to say all that.

Chucka Sucka. What? Checklessavakian. No, thanks. I'm busy. It's the northern part of the Ukraine. The Chuck Luscovacian. Yeah.

All right. Get those fucking readers on your old timer. Check this out, bro. So I went in deep. and what I did, I didn't even, I didn't even, I didn't even, um, I didn't even Ancestry.com your last name. I just did the first name, Polly. Hmm. And you might like this because I brought up some stuff that you might not be aware of and I might

even educate you here a bit today. I wouldn't say you might educate me. You will educate me. Praise Jesus. Allah coming home. Chinese Chinese. Wow. Do you want some Chinese food?

You've said it about eight times. Can I get you some spring rolls or some spring. sweet and sour beef or some fung fu f f f f f f fifah he fah no i like the orange chicken no thanks i'm busy okay so let's go to so listen you don't this is stuff you don't know and you've probably never thought about what is the history of polly wally doodle all the day i think it's kind of a um Yeah, breathe, guy. Breathe like you're pregnant and her baby's coming out. I think it's more of a polywally doodle all the day.

I think that's from a little house in the prairie. Michael Landon seen from there where Haas comes in. He says, oh, man, coming down from the prairie. We got Pollyolly Doodoo all day, Sam, Tau. Wait, you don't know the old song? Well, I went down south of the seas of singing, Polly Wally-Wley-Doodle all the day. That's Canadian shit, dude.

I don't know that shit on it. But listen to the lyrics. I printed them up because I think you needed to know. I went down south for to see my Sal. To see my Sal? Who's Sal? S-A-L. I don't know.

Singing Polly Wally-Doodle all the day. Or if you want to say singing Polly Shore doodle all the day. That takes the cadence out of it, but go on them. And then she goes, my Sal, she am a spunky gal. What are you bazook a Joe all of a sudden? I'm getting ready for a crashing scrab and grab later. I'm getting my, I'm doing a scratch and grab.

What's that? Like a lottery ticket? No, it's where I go and steal shit from fucking, you know, CVS and Walgreens and Rite Aid. Are you going shoplifting later? Yeah.

Can I go? Yeah, I got my scratch and grab friends. What are you going to grab? We're going to grab Tide, condoms, you know, soap. Can I get the, the tampons with wings?

Yeah, you can get those. Because I've always wanted to put, like, 40 or 50 on my body and see if I can fly. Well, because imagine if I have 40 or 50 and there's two wings on each one, I'm going to have some. It's kind of like pussy wings. Yeah, I'm going to get. It's kind of like pussy wings. What are they? Pussy wings.

Do they have those at KFC? Yes. Mm. Barbecue or crispy, rhythm will best be pay, pep, ha, papp. You look like you're about to rob a train, bro. I'm going to rob your fucking. I'm going to rob low. Rob low.

For easy praying mantis. The mantis sits during the day. The mantis rides at night. Like your lights are going out, everything's going to break again. It already broke. You broke the internet. I'm going to scratch and grab, motherfucker. I'm going to take this shit.

Dude, the praying mantis rides at night. Not during the day. Chinese, motherfucking. Stand down Panda Express. You done nothing because I'm going to touch her ass with you. Dude, the praying mantis rides at night. Right, not during the day. Look, the lights went back on Chinese.

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So I'll sing the song, that's cool. Because I haven't heard that since I was a kid. Right, but that's your name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What other of your friends would take the time to look that up? But, moi. That's true. None of your other loser friends, Mitch Hedberg or Donnie Osmond or Paul Lind, all your loser posse.

Soupy sales. Soupy sales. But who? Harlan Williams Highway. Listen, here's some more. Ograsshopper sitting on a railroad track singing Polly Shore Doodle all the day, just picking his teeth with a carpet tack, singing Polly Shore Doodle all the day. Fair thee well, fair thee well, fair thee well, my fairy fay.

What's a fay? I think that was someone on Hollywood Squares. Wasn't Ferry Faye up in the corner? That's, what's his name? Bruce Valanche. Oh, Bruce Valanche. Remember him? No, thanks.

I'm busy. For I'm going to Louisiana to see my Susie Anna. Singing Pollywollywale doodle all the day. Behind the barn down on my knees, singing Pollywisian, Polly Wally Doodle all the day. I thought I heard a chicken sneeze singing Polly, fucking Wally, fucking doodle, all the fucking day.

You got to say the day part, how I say, day. Day. And then you go Chinese. Chinese. Exactly. What is that a Chinese elk? What is that?

What's this part? I don't know. We're just flowing, bro. But who's down on their knees? Like it says, fare thee well my fairy fay behind the barn down on my knees i thought i heard a chicken sneeze i don't know i'm not quite sure this some deep stuff did morrison write this stuff is this a doors when do the questions start okay hold on they're going to start in a second but here's another one polly want a

cracker did you ever wonder where that came from polly where did that come from see i knew you'd be interested. See, now you're understanding why we're such good friends that never see each other all year. Yeah. Wait, what? Ooh. Listen, uh, Polly Wana Cracker originated in the late 1800s, the American Biscuit Company in an effort to boost sales of its gross soda crackers started an advertising campaign for the company's parrot brand. The ad featured a parrot, a Macaw, standing. Caca, cacar! Well, I'm a macaw.

No, that was the doctor on Star Trek. Oh, okay. Standing on a perch with one foot holding a cracker. Dude, this is the shit I do for you. What other of your loser friends, Bobby Lee, skunk all rich, Tony Curtis. Tony Hinchcliff. Tony Hinchcliff. They don't do the research.

They don't do the stuff. They don't do the stuff I do. No, they don't do their research. I'm going to stay a while. Well, yeah, I think you just exposed your pink shirt a little deeper. Why a pink shirt, though? Can I ask? Why would you go with a pink shirt, honestly?

Well, because within no time, the way you edit this fucking podcast is probably not going to come out until February 14th, which equals Valentine's Day. And if you think of Valentine's Day, what's the color? Pink. pink so they timed it out for you dude i think of you chinese i think of you dude i think of you dude you're the foresight you have your foresight's almost as deep as your foreskin my ears i mean my eyes my eyes oh don't go there girlfriend why did i call you girlfriend um we just got a few more and then the questions start polywog oh wow have you ever you caught a polywog when you were a kid didn't you

I did not Have you ever seen a polywog You've hang out in swamps What the F, bro? No, these are good questions Shoot, none of your other greasy friends Would do this for you Carol Burnett

Do you want me to stay here or something Is that what's happening? No, I'm just You're luring me You're fucking old gay man up in the Hollywood Hills Luring me to come stay at your house Down behind the barn down on my knees Singing Polly Wally Doodle all the day

And what's the rest part? So the polywog is a tadpole. It's a type of larvae, the immature free-living form of most invertebrates and amphibians and fish, which it hatching from its egg is fundamentally unlike its parents and must metamorphophos. Wow. Do you have the new I metamorphophos? I don't know what that is, but I will probably purchase it after this afternoon's extravaganza show

here and the last one oh shit I don't have the headphones on start say that again one more time I'm going to say yes that's probably best and the last one buddy

and then we can get into the questions polyfilla have you ever applied polyfilla I don't know what Polyphilla is. So Polly's never done polyfilla. Correct. So it's when you, well, let me read it.

Cool. This is all from Ancestry.com, guy. Polyphilla in 1953, a Czech chemist working in England invented the first DIY water-soluble wallpaper paste. Polysell, he set up the polycell company in London, and the following year, 1954, developed polyphila. The first cell. based plaster and wood filler.

Until then, Polly, fillers for cracks and bricks were mixed by tradesmen from two parts plaster of Paris and one part whiting carbonate of lime. On dyeing, the mixture expanded and required cutting back. It's also tended to crumble. But polyfellar using a cellulose gave us superior bond and did not expand and gave a smooth flat finish.

So all of a sudden you're Adam Carolla. You're like a contractor. Because if we give this information to the Corolla Master, he could be good because this is polyphila that started in 1954. Why can't I just be a friend that's trying to inform you and help you with your heritage? I don't have to be out of Corolla. I'll shift back to. Thank you so much for doing this research.

You're very welcome. I think that's very nice. It's a giver. You're a giver. You're not a taker. Yeah. So this is a nice thing. So thank you so.

much but what's interesting is that uh so what's interesting is that uh so what's interesting is that uh is that uh my mom didn't come up with my name from poly philla or polywag or polywolly doodle all the day well where'd she come up or there had to be one of them no no no drum roll please do la la oh i like a chinese whoa no no she's she was driving down the street and saw Polly's automotive. And that's how she came up with it. On La Sienega, if you go down Las Anaga by Pico, right there where you're going to the airport,

you know, where you go and play these. Polly's Automotive. I got a loop job there last week. Yeah, well, there you go. So we're going to smash and grab later. So if you want to get on your... What are you going to steal at the thing? I might get some alttoids,

maybe some alttoids, maybe some pluckers. possibly some eye drops and maybe some Christmas cards. You're going to get the father pluckers or the mother pluckers? I'm going to get the motherfucker pluckers. Dude, you want to hear something sad? I know you're doing a bit. This is a great bit, by the way. It's one of the best I've had on the podcast.

This bit that you're doing here, the railroad. Smash and grab, nutty railroad, coconut cream pie face, whatever you're calling it. Yeah. I went into CVS yesterday. Yeah. And this is a sad state of affairs we live in. The shelves were half empty, okay? Yeah, kind of like my brain, go on.

I wasn't going to say it. Okay, so the shelves were half empty. They were half empty, okay, in anticipation of people stealing here in California. So they don't even stock the shelves anymore. and the other shelves were behind glass, like plexiglass, like you're at a hockey rinket. Yeah, locked.

Like hair gels and oil of allay. Oil of allay is an expensive. I use it. I should know. I use it. I use the wrinkle cream. Yeah. Underarm deodorant.

Normal things that you just used to be out. Now, I don't want to go shopping and go, oh, excuse me, can I find an attendant to help me get some peanut butter? Yeah. Like this shoplifting thing, in order to service the people who are allowed to shoplift, the rest of us who make money and pay taxes, we got, I don't even want to go shopping anymore because there's nothing there. It's locked up.

It's, I got to get an attendant. And then, yeah, and then when you, when you go to the front and you say, hey, we need someone to open this, they come over reluctantly. And usually they're from, you know, they usually don't have their green cart. You know, they're like an illegal alien. and they get mad that they have to open it and they're about to strike anyways. Dude, and also, I don't need the embarrassment of going, excuse me, can I get someone to open the oil of Olay for my beautiful porcelain skin?

That makes sense because you don't want people to know what. Well, I've been using wrinkle cream for 25 years and my nuts still look like raisins. I think this is a good part for an intermission. I'm going to take a break. Okay, it looks like you need one. Yeah, I'm going to take a break and then regroup. Regroup on the questions. Yeah.

And then get a little bit more focused because this podcast is fucking. It's really kind of sucking hard. It's not even a fucking podcast. Well, it's like, you're fucking with me, dude. Well, when you come in and kick the cameras over, I mean, what am I supposed to do? I need a break, dude. Take a break. Can you take about two hours?

Just fucking, just put an intermission thing and we'll come right back. Okay. Take a nice long one. Thank God he's gone. I mean, did you see that guy in his, you had a pink shirt? I think, I don't know if you've heard that song by Prince. He wore a raspberry beret. But this guy was wearing like a Baskin-Robbins,

orange sherbert raspberry sherbert beret. I mean, he comes in here, pink shirts my ass, tells me some bullshit about Valentine's Day. And I'm like, all I want to do is give this guy, you know, the lowdown on his ancestry. I give him the polywog. I give him Polly Wallydoodle all the day. I give them polygamy.

Well, I didn't give them that. I gave them a poly, poly, well, screw it. I'm going to take a break, too. Fuck him. I know how easily you get bored. I was going to ask you about Elvis Parsley, though. You hate that story. Well, I'm just thinking, you know, you sat on his lap,

and I wonder if Elvis just went, hey, kid, you just shoot him up. You're shit in your pants. You shit. Because you were like, what, three? Yeah. When you sat on Elvis's lap. Are we rolling? Well, that's not for you to know.

Yeah. It's sort of my podcast secret. So here, you're going to do my show. What's this? This is my show. What is it? Tell me. It's called Jam in the Van.

Jam. It's a host, it's a, it's a, um, uh, it's a, um, uh, The way you're dressed, you look like you have a van, like a dirty white van down, like. Really? Yeah. You look like you ride around in a van. I do.

Like unwash. Yeah, dirty, right? Just a dirty van. Not you, the van. Yeah, no. Your van's dirty. Mine clean. Your van's probably got like 7-11 wrappers in it,

Snickers bars, like an old donut on the floor. My dog, my mangy dog. Like shrimp cocktail. There's probably a shrimp cocktail sitting on the passenger seat. The autobiography of Richard Simmons is there. Talk to me about this Richard Simmons. I don't want to talk about it. Everyone keeps fucking asking me about it.

I know, but you look like him. You act like him. Hello, everybody. What a beautiful, healthy looking audience. Oh, my God. You know, every day I try to find a moment to bring me peace. And every day it's something completely different. You're more like a piece of cake, Faddy.

Pulling over on the side of the road and just turning the radio off, crying to when Harry met Sally, and today it's a donut. There was a time in my life when food was the only thing that brought me peace. Food was very nice to me, and I wasn't nice to myself. Dude, if you ever want to become a girl, like you're there. Really? Like, if you ever wanted to, like, transition? Oh, my God.

Look at the beautiful, healthy-looking audience. I thought I saw it as a bug in the sky. I hit the bug. No, it looks like your teacher at a special needs class. Well, I am because I'm fucking with you, Harlan Williams. Da-da-da-da-do. Bo-to-da-do. Tell me about...

Yeah, Chinese. Remember when he did the... You know what I mean? I guess. I mean, that's probably the most open-ended statement I've ever heard. You remember when I did the, you know what I mean? That could be anything on planet earth. Well, we haven't done several things.

We're going to two or three pretty much. Two or three, what? I don't know. Wait, no, I want to clear up this Richard Simmons business. Yeah. Because you just sort of laid it up there, left it hanging. Are you doing something with? I want people be guessing me more.

they want you want to people be guessing me more guessing you yeah i don't know what that you want to be a guest genes model what are you saying you know well why do you act it like that that sounds so fucking weird i just say it like that you said it the way said it i said you want to be no way people are going to be listening to this there's not they don't have to this is like two mental patients talking for sure look i asked you if you wanted to be a guest jeans model which is a legitimate podcast host question And instead of saying yes or no, you went, like a cat that just someone on a rocking chair hit its tail. Well, then the answer is probably, no, no. Now you sounded like a baby trying to bust out of the womb.

That's true. I mean, what is it, guy, are you a dead cat, or are you a baby trying to bubble down Fallopian Boulevard? Here's the bottom line. Can I stand during this thing? Sure. The bottom line is. that's the bottom line wait a minute now you might be out of hold on oh you're sitting again wait in wait let me give you your monitor

is that way you can know yeah i'm straight on there i don't want to see myself flip it back dude i'll get fucking nervous there you go thanks better touchy today guy what's going on are you PMSing? No, I'm doing my yoga. Oh, yeah? What's that stretch called? They all have funny names. This is called the, uh,

this is called the horseshoe. I call it. The way I'm seeing it, it's like, I smell your dirty armpits is what I call that one. This is the other horseshoe. Like that. And then you do the push like this, and you billow the back.

You know how to billow the back? No, thanks. I'm straight. What about the prank? Mantis. Do you know how to do that one? I don't. Let me get to the first question. Do you mind?

Oh, here we go. What was one of your favorite TV show? Favorite feet. Why is it every time you ask the question, you throw your glasses? Because I'm trying to be a fucking Hannity. I'm trying to be a dramatic podcast interviewer and you won't let me have my space.

Now let me try it again. I'm going. What was your favorite TV? TV show growing up as a wee lad. Like when you were 13, 14. Giant robot. Is that real? Tell me about it.

Well, it was a, fuck. What? You know what I mean? Wait a minute. What? You understand. Giant robot.

And then you just go, fuck. Was it a sexual show? No. It was about, Wow, really? Because I always thought it. When I was a kid, I thought it was.

No, it was, I don't remember the premise, but I remember I used to watch it a lot. But it was basically about a giant robot saving, like, the world or something. Oh, wow. And you love robots? No, I just remembered the show was good. It made me tear up. Why did it make you tear up?

I don't know. I was young, and I liked it. I also liked Dave and Goli. I thought that was cool. Oh, the dog and his boy, the talking dog. Yeah, that was cool. What other young shows that I like? I was a big fan of Sid and Marty Croft.

Oh, yeah. Sigmund, the Seam Monster, and Johnny and Scott are our friends. And the Banana Bunch. Remember the Banana Bunch? Yeah. Can I show you? I think I have a clip of one of my favorite shows. Oh, now it's about you.

I thought you were asking me. Well, it's only about you so we can set up and get to me. That's true. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Hang on. This was, this was a, this was the show of shows. Hang on.

Can I show this? Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Elephant boy. You never watched Elephant Boy? No. Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

Look at this. Starring Evwa Cahooka, whatever his name is. Oh, wow. Isn't that great? Amazing. You never watched Elephant Boy. Mm-mm. Dude, can you look at me in the face for real and say you never watched Elephant Boy?

I never saw it. Can you stop picking your nose, please? Go on. No, well, there's one thing you pick your nose, but then you eat it. You don't have to fucking say it. They saw me do it. I know, but there's sort of a podcast etiquette. You let a guest pick their nose, but you don't let them eat it.

Hey, those are my glasses. I went down south to see myself singing in Polly Wallydoodle all the day. My salshi, she's such a spunky gal singing Pollywollahoodle all the day. So when I was a kid, I don't know if you had this. It looks like you might have, but did you ever have elephantitis? No. Be honest. Okay, I did.

Yeah. Do you want to make, because when I watch this show, I would make elephant noises. Are you good at elephant noises? That was a California golden condor. I said elephant. And I learned that from elephant boy. How long have we been doing this? Well, don't say 38 minutes because I'll kill myself.

You're close. 33. oh my god it's a lot of work this podcast dude you just can i tell you something because you might not be you might not be aware of this what when you laugh just now a giant blue vein like appeared in your forehead don't fucking throw shit out about how i look no but it was huge it was i thought there was like a caterpillar on your face like it just was like huge all right let's do you want to do some questions? Yes.

Why don't you see up a question as a guest, as an honored guest, why don't you tee up a question? Well, you know what I'll do it? I'll do it. No one's ever done this before. On a podcast ever, ever, ready? So you know what a mime is? You know where it's like a mine?

No, not a mine, but like a tugger like this or you, where he's a puppet and they talk like that and they ask the questions. Right. Okay, I'm going to do that. Ventriloquist. Yeah, ventriloquists. And I'm going to do the very aggressive, but I'm going to do. Well, do you want a dummy with glasses or not?

Okay. I'm going to do this and then you ask the question. Okay. So is it true that you're going to be doing the Richard Simmons Biobic? You did it very. That was do it more big. Your mouth has got to move big. Dude.

Like a real fucking like this. Okay. Can you be a little sensitive? I had elephantitis when I was a boy. I apologize. But that's when you're a boy. You're an older man now. Here we go.

Take two. Oh, you're really going to... Your mouth is amusing too slow. But my jaw from when I was a boy with elephantitis, I have a shit jaw. Okay. I'll try it again. A little bigger. A little bigger.

Here we go. So is it true that you're really going to... But you got to look at me because now people are finding that it's fake. Okay. So look at me. Be more sincere. Don't be joking. By the way, you're a great director.

Here we go. Is it true? You're really going to do the Richardson's Zio? You know, Harlan, I'm glad you asked me that. I'm trying to put it together right now. I think it's a biopic that American needs. I think the world is really messed up right now. And I think that Richard Simmons, kind of his message of bringing people together

and mental health, I think is a good thing. No, no, no, no. I'm not doing it. I got to do it. I thought I had another question. No, he's responding to it. I think that's really great that you're doing that. I think that's good.

And I know you're talking about mental health. Cool. Next question. Hold on. I can't stop. Oh, shit. Okay, good. Dude, I'm so sorry. I had elephantitis when I was a little boy. And my jaw, have you ever seen an anaconda when it swallows a baby zebra? Do you see how I have one foot out the door right here? Do you see that?

Well, I knew you might be coming out eventually. Okay. But my jaw, no, can I just explain? Because I don't want you to go away feeling disrespected. This is important to me. Okay, let me get another drink. I can't get a drink. Okay, let me settle in.

Talk to them while I get a drink. Well, I don't know if I want to talk to them. I don't know if they deserve it after. This isn't alcohol, is it? No. What is it? It's sort of got natural things in it that gives you a little, like, kick. Is it got some ketamine in it?

I don't know. You could read the ingredients. I don't have my readers. Wow, welcome to the Thunderdome. Next question. Or you want to go into the Elphentitis thing? Well, I just want to, I just want, so you know you're not being disrespected on this podcast.

This isn't a podcast. What is it? This is like a mental, mental patient fucking area. Like a hardcore therapy session thing? You see one for the cuckoo's nest? That's what this is. You got two cuckus here. This has not been a podcast.

A podcast, if you've ever fucking been on a podcast, that podcast person, which is you, ask the fucking questions, and the person on the podcast, which is me, answers the questions. We haven't done shit on this. We don't fucking swear on this podcast, and I got fucking elephant Titus as a boy,

and I tried to tell you my jaw gets misaligned, like a python when it dislocates its jaw to swallow a gazelle or a baby zebra or a wildebeest, and then when you get me doing Daddy don't want to mime no more, whatever your shit Joe's called, my jaw can't stop. Okay, well, now it's stopped And I'll inject

There you go Motherfucker, I'm gonna cash and grab Later on man, I'm gonna take some tide I'm gonna get some pamphers for my baby and shit I'm gonna get some ginger ale And maybe some motherfucking hot spring Doritos dog And you can stop me shit Shit, I got this motherfucker

I got this Dude, I don't say this lightly But you look like you've been molested Behind a Baskin Robbins with that get-up on I mean, you've been full Ben and Jerry's penetrated with that rainbow warrior outfit. I mean, I've, did you just pick your nose and eat it again? Oh, what are you doing? You're doing sucky, sucky, sucky?

Oh, sucky, sucky. Dude. Sorry. You don't do that on a podcast? Second question. Second question. Oh, okay. Mime, mine, here we go.

No, I'm going to. Oh, hang on. Okay. Okay. Is it true you're really going to marry Drew Barrymore? Because I heard Tom Green got really mad about that. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, got it.

Dude, this isn't easy for me, guy. I wouldn't do this for anyone but you. I wouldn't do this for anyone else, but a guy with a creepy van in the valley and a raspberry beret burrito bullshit. Was your favorite comedian growing up Benny Hill? No, it was Benny Hana, the Japanese one? Oh.

Sona. Sona. Sona. That guy, I'd laugh so hard, I'd flip a shrimp across the room. So, yeah, so I don't know. I haven't talked to Tom Green, but if you're out there because he's our friend because we went on that successful tour together, remember the one, Bobby Lee.

What are you doing? Whoa, bro. The mantis don't. Sona time. Tom, we were, we were, we were, we were just, we were investigating, we were experimenting, we were on the show, and we were just having a good time.

Well, you went out with Drew Barrow, Barrymore? No, no, no. No. I was engaged to her and now it... What? Yeah. Me too. When were you engaged to her? A month ago. Are you serial? I'm serial. Wait, well, you never went out with Drew. I did. Well... I think we should wrap it up, dude. I don't have any presents here. What? I don't have anything to wrap up. Wait, when did you go out with Drew Barrymore? Well, I've known her for a long time Because her mom actually was a waitress at the comedy store

Back in the day So I knew her when she was just a little As big as my dog By the way, great name for a serial killer Barrymore Oh, that's a good one Because you get to bury the more in the thing Well, I don't think you need.

On my podcast, you don't need to explain the material. So since you're Canadian, did you ever, did you do a, you know what I mean. I did about four or five of them, but then I got really sick of it. I got bored. And then I moved to Indonesia and then I did seven or eight of the mayor. But your guys' Thanksgiving is like a month later than our and then America's

supposed to tell anyone. Yeah. I mean, let's have a little, we have Christmas on the Halloween. Yes, that's what I'm saying. All right.

So tell people where they could see me. Okay. So where do you, uh, Polyshore is available on bar mitzvahs, birthday parties. I just started doing. Are you doing cruise ships?

I'll give you the agent's names, yeah. I'd love you to do the Carnival Cruise line. All right, listen, I got to get out of here because my friends are texting me. Okay, but can I ask a question before you go? My friend, Eddie. Wait, can I at least ask one? Okay. Can I at least ask one question?

Yeah. Do you, and I think I know the answer by looking at you, do you just love, do you just adore a cauliflower soup? Okay. All right. man, shit. I'll see you down there at Walgreens. Wait, what are you doing? Smash and grab. I got, I got, yo, I got my friends down there, but I put the outfit on.

I turned in the Latiqua on the motherfucking shit. Yo, man, I'm going to be down there. They ain't going to do shit because if I get arrested, ain't not going to throw it out like that, because Proposition A did not go through, so it's not a felony. I'm going to steal some shit. Honey, I'm coming home. I'm going to get some pamper's. I'm going to get some tab.

And also, scoop her eyes. cream for you bitch i'll see you later hollin hollin to hirshy hushy highway dude you look like you're about to break into zigford free to roy's house if cousin it went gay that's what you'd get yo man i'll see i'll see on the back side motherfucker because i'm a motherfucker part of the cash and grab team and we're moving inland and pretty soon we're going to take this shit to arkansas nevada the cameras are this way guy Are you taking another break? Well, there he goes. He's off to the drug store to do what he calls a smashing grab.

He's dressed like, I don't know if you went to a wax museum and melted down. Wait, he's coming back. Are you coming back? No, I heard him yelling. He's just wandering around in the studio, pestering the staff, probably touching people's hair, possibly putting butter. But, oh, I think he's coming back. Are you coming back?

Here he comes, gang. Here he comes. Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Pauly Zachary Shore, ladies and gentlemen, here he come. Thank you for having me on your podcast. Have a seat. Have a seat. We're not in character anymore.

We drop the character, guys. We're good. We're just two gentlemen. We're going to go get a martini down at Franklin Village. Oh. Okay. Yeah, so that was fun. Thanks for having me.

Wait, if we're two gentlemen, should we talk like English gentlemen? We should be talking like this, mate. Well, it's so nice to see you, Paulie Shaw. It's pleasure to see you, my friend, Holland Williams. Oh, look at you. What you've been up to, eh? Bum Russia, bum Russia.

Oh, a bum Russia. What's that then, eh? That's a little bit of. bangers and mash now. Oh, I like that on a frosty Friday night, hey, Polly Shore? Oh, I love the frosty flakes. Oh, I love the frosty flakes.

Oh, I'm in the morning, Polly sure I do. Thank you for having me. Oh, we're just getting started. So first question. Oh, motherfucker. This is it. Dude, I have the right to ask a first question. This is a Harlan Highway podcast.

as I have a moral obligation to these freaks watching these freaks. Freaks! I have a duty as a professional podcast to ask you a question. Okay, ask me a question. God, you make, how does our friendship survive after 25 years? Look at the way we carry on like two old ladies with them. And you know what's cool about is you did some research, Polly Wallydooloolool-Dool-Lad a day.

And he smells like. cheese and he looks like Christ Polly Wolly doodle all the hey all right first question hang on I'll see you later oh wait wait what

and this is the this is you're going to like this one what was one of the and this is for real Polly would you let down the fucking butterscotch guard and talk to the crowd what was one of the most magical moments you ever had with a girl what was one of the most

enchanting moments it could have been a one night stand it have been a relationship. It could have been a marriage. What was one of the standout moments where you just went, this is magical? Well, there was a woman several years ago and she had a strap on a dildo and she was putting it in my butt and I went, ow! And then she said, breathe and I went and then it went in and that was the magical moment. Praise Jesus, Allah. I got to go. I got to go meet my friends. I like you. Yeah, you better go after that. in fact

get the get the fuck out after that oh there he goes ladies and gentlemen Polly Shore he just stood up he walked out

unbelievable interview hard to catch him he's like lightning in a bottle I told you at the intro this guy is like Flash Gordon in a dance skin well I'm doing your exit

you can't come back in I'm ending it. Now, Chinese, tell him to watch my jam in the van show. Oh, why don't you come in and tell them? Well, okay. Go to his van. He's got a van full of jam. And he sleeps in a van.

I think we got that the minute we saw you. I mean, you definitely wearing the fall lineup for dressed in a van guy. But what a guest. We'll have them back one day, folks, and we'll ask him a question. We'll finally get to a question, but in the meantime, folks, check out Pauly Shore at Paulyshore.com. Go see him do stand up. Check out his new line of mascara. He's got a wonderful moisturizer he does.

He has foundation, the fake eyelashes, the lip gloss, the Pauly Shore lip gloss. Don't forget his skiing attire. Polly's heavily into skiing. It's called Polly Shaletware. And he has wonderful full-body ski suits. He has snowboards out. And let's not forget, he's recently jumped into the food industry. Polly's caviar.

Most caviar comes from Russian sturgeons. Polly just skins dead carp on the edge of the L.A. River. And boy, oh, boy, if you want to say delicious, then you have to say Polly Shore. Folks. Wow, what a ride. That's it for today. Until next time, everybody. You've been on the Hala Highway podcast with Pauley Zachary Shore.

And until next time, chicken chamein, baby. You're not still here, are you? Ah, shit. You think you could slip out? Oh, my baby. Oh, my baby. Folks, this is not the way to do sex. I don't know what he's doing in there.

I don't know who it is. That's not. This, folks, this is not the way we do sex. If we've learned anything here, no. this is not the way this is not the way to make this is not how you make love this is not love making ladies and gentlemen this is not how you make love human to human can you finish, please? Okay, I think he's finally achieved, and we're going to sign up.

Okay, I think he's finally finished, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to close the doors on the Harland Highway. The exit ramp is closed. Polly has finished his sexual escapades, and we'll see you next time. right here on the Holland Highway Podcast. Wow, I feel ill. I really feel sick, buddy. Like I'm going to pee a card.